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I never felt contempt towards the team. Whether it was after my horrible experiences with Tobias Hankel or the disastrous results of Emily’s “death” or even when I got put into prison, I never hated them. I don’t know if it is even possible to hate these people I have made into my family. Some things, though, irk me to no end. The jokes about my virginity and ineptitude with girls started the minute I started at the BAU. I never blamed the team for assuming; I was a 22 year old kid who wore cardigans for fun and could talk for hours if no one stopped me. I had a hard time even talking to the people on the team and I spent most of my time checking with Gideon to make sure I wasn’t pushing boundaries.
Then we went to LA and I met her. Lila was a nice surprise, but I could barely tamper down the hurt when I realized that everyone thought she was just being nice to me. At first, I barely noticed her flirting, but when we got stuck at her house for the night, waiting for her stalker, I understood that she really liked me. It was an odd thing, someone actually caring for me in that way. When I was a 12 year old high schooler, I had never gotten a girlfriend, which didn’t change much when I got to Caltech. Even when I went to MIT, I was inexperienced at best, horribly lonely at worst.
By the time I was 19, I would have PAID someone to hang out with me. It was a joke with Ethan that he was going to buy me a prostitute to hang out with for my next birthday. I was desperate for the time that I lost my virginity, but I didn’t think I would stoop to that point. Then I got dragged to a concert. Don’t get me wrong, I would have gone on my own, The Foo Fighters had a hold on my heart, but I never would have gone in skinny jeans and a tee shirt. The concert was good, great even, but I could barely pay attention. There was a girl, a skinny blonde girl with bright blue streaks in her hair and a giant smile on her face. Her face was captivating, but it was the easy smile that tugged me in. We got to talking and I didn’t show her my geeky side. We talked about The Foo Fighters and about the world, but I never went on a nervous rant about Doctor Who or the origins of Tomatoes. I felt normal. She seemed to think I was as well. It was my first time. The jokes about prostitutes stopped and the pride I felt about not being a virgin anymore was untamable.
While I had escapades since, as a 24 year old I hadn’t been with someone in almost a year. So when Lila kissed me, I had to force myself to stop. I knew if I continued to let her kiss me, I wouldn’t have been able to. I didn’t want the team to come back to something like that. It would be inappropriate and unprofessional. At that moment, I told her about her agent so that she would stop. I knew it was a low blow and I knew that she would be pissed, but at least she wouldn’t feel my hardening erection under the water.
Once we caught the stalker and left, I started to get teased. Mainly it was Derek, laughing about how he didn’t think I had it in me to “love ‘em and leave ‘em”. The anger had started boiling.
WHEN HE FINALLY HAD IT
It wasn’t even as bad of a joke as I made it out to be. But that didn’t stop me from flying off the handle. I admit, I had been all over the place since Cat Adams. I will never forget throwing her against the wall, my hands wrapping around her neck. I remember the sheer calm that had covered my body when I realized that I was going to kill her. And how okay I was with that revelation.
It was a joke. But not a good one.
“Come on, Pretty Boy, at least she hadn’t commented about your V card being intact.” Derek said as we were putting our stuff at our desks. I froze. My body started buzzing. I had begun getting annoyed about the teasing early on, but I could usually shake it off. None of the teasing was founded and most of the time, I would go out to a bar that night and take my frustrations out on a random woman. Since prison, the teasing had stopped mostly, but whenever it happened, I would start buzzing. Shaking almost. I probably would have been able to pull myself back, maybe sat in the bathroom for the next 15 minutes reciting pi to calm down. But then I heard the murmurs of assent from my team. Even that was not entirely enough to throw me over the edge, but Penelope just had to come over and pat me on the back.
“It’s okay Boy Genius, virginity is a social construct.” She said, obviously oblivious to the electricity flooding my veins. I turned towards her, seething, shoving her hand from my body as I stalked over to the coffee station. I took a few breaths. I don’t need to flip out at work. That won’t do anyone any good, especially after Cat. JJ still looks at me worried whenever I get too annoyed, almost as if she expects to be the next one against the wall with my hands around her neck.
I was actually slightly calming down until I heard footsteps behind me. Heavy footsteps with no heavy breathing. Derek. I don’t turn around. If I turn, the look in his eyes will make me lose it. Surprisingly, I lost it without turning around.
“Don’t take your anger about being a virgin out on Penelope, man. She was just trying–” Derek started. I fucking snapped. In a split second, I was turned around, a dull aching in my fist and a hole in the wall to my left. Derek had taken a step back. His eyes were wide and hands were up in a placating gesture that we usually reserve for unsubs.
“When you joked at first. It was about Lila Archer. I was a kid, I was nervous. I didn’t care how you saw me, as long as you saw me. Hell, I was used to the bullying and the teasing, it barely fazed me. Then, it was after Hankel, which hurt. I understood that you didn’t care about the Dilaudid. Hell, I agreed. At that point even I didn't care about the downward spiral that was being caused by that stupid little bottle. But that was a lot to feel. It was a lot to realize that you thought the best move to help me out of an addiction was to get me a girl. But then-” I took a deep breath, wiping my hand down my face, scratching lightly down my cheek. “Next you did it after Maeve. Now that shit!” I had started out softly talking, which caused a worried look on Derek’s face, the rest of the team crowding behind him as my voice slowly rose in pitch. When I let out a jagged laugh, peeling my hands from my face and curling them back into fists, I saw JJ flinch slightly. “Maybe you hadn’t seen me with a woman, but that didn’t mean I was inept. I had never met her. I never met her, never kissed her, never even fucking touched her until it was her dead body in my fucking hands.” I held my shaking hands out, staring down at them. I remember the blood that had coated every inch of skin, resting under my nails and in my cuticles. I washed my hands over 200 times that night and I still couldn’t get the feeling of her blood off of them. “And for you to think it was a good idea to throw that in my face after her death. It was almost too much, but I held back because I had just seen another person in my life leave, only this time she didn’t leave me voluntarily, she was taken. She was taken by Diane Turner just like how my mom has been slowly taken by her own mind. I shoved down the anger at you because I was so focused on making sure I didn’t shoot up again since I was positive that if I got that needle in my arm again, I wouldn’t be coming out alive. I knew that if I put anything into my veins, I would put enough that I wouldn’t have to live without Maeve. The last time you did it was with Kate Kallahan. She was new, she didn’t understand my anger. But she was the only one to pick up on it. And the only one to take me home afterwards to make sure I wasn’t going to break.”I had started spitting out the words, my hands shaking in fists back by my side. The whole team stood in front of me with expressions ranging from confusion, to anger, to sadness. JJ had tears flowing down her face and Morgan looked like he had been punched in the stomach.
“But that wasn’t enough, was it? It was bad enough that you let me deal with the shit that I had dealt with all alone. It was bad enough that you chose every bad time in my life to bring up such a painful lie. It was even worse that I just let it happen. I didn’t care. It was a joke. Yeah, it hurt that you guys saw me as a fool with no chance with anyone, but I was used to the thought. I was a child in high school, I didn’t have any chances throughout my life to lead a happy relationship with my own parents, let alone a girl. But now? You think I’m still a fucking virgin?” My voice had raised a little too high, so I took a deep breath, turning back around slightly. I needed to not be looking at my so-called family or the anger that was clawing its way up my throat was going to end in flames.
“You’re not?” I spun around, the anger pulling right back up past the boiling point. It was Derek again.
“You think after 13 fucking years I wouldn’t have gotten laid once?!” I had started yelling again. I could feel the tension in the room, but I could feel the harsher tension around my heart. Everyone flinched and leaned back, shock and anger on each of their faces.
“Spencer.” Emily called out, her voice placating. Hands raised just like Morgan’s had been.
“No, Emily.” My voice had taken on a calm tone, which I think scared them more than anything. It scared me too, honestly. I had bridged the explosive anger to a rippling calmness. “13 years of saying nothing. I understood. I could have been a virgin, I could have had that little experience. Maybe it was even expected, with how I acted around you guys. It would have been odd, but I would have understood. I couldn’t blame you.” I scoffed, flexing my hands as everyone looked at me. I didn’t have the careful control that I had pulled along with me like a ball and chain. No, I had left that in the wall with my fist print. “And then I went to prison. Maybe it was naive for me to think that you guys would have figured it out. You never seemed to figure out the extent of my drug use or the suicidal ideation that had plagued me after Maeve and the situation with Emily. But I thought, maybe with what we know about prisons and what little was told about what went on inside that you would put the /goddamn/ pieces together.”
“Spencer, what are you–” Emily started. Everyone around her had concern starting to mix with their fear. I could see the dawning realization on Luke’s face, which finally pushed me over the edge.
“How the fuck do you think I lasted that long? What the fuck did you think I was doing in there? Reading books? Writing fucking poetry? I was being tossed around by anyone with a working dick. Scratch that, anyone with fucking hands, in exchange for silence. They didn’t peep that I was a federal agent and I let them do whatever they wanted.” I picked up the coffee machine with the boiling coffee still in it and ripped the plug from the wall. I threw it as hard as I could at the opposite wall. My voice had risen to an almost screaming quality and everyone on the team was looking at me like I was an unstable unsub with a hostage. Only I was both the unsub and the hostage. “You didn’t think about how I have barely slept a wink since I came out? Or how none of you have seen me without my shirt off since then? Not even sparing a thought about how I can’t stand being in a room with any male apart from the team and how fucking everything sets me off!” Another hole in the wall, a heavier throbbing from my hand and now my wrist. Derek is looking at me in horror. Everyone else has the same expression on their faces.
“A virgin. I. Fucking. Wish.” I stalked out of the room, just walking through the halls until I came to the stairs. Once inside, I sat down on the steps, burying my face in my hands. The tension and anger that had built up and been let out slowly formed into pain. Tears started falling down my face as sobs wracked my body.
EVERYONE ELSE.
The whole team stood by the opening of the kitchen in shock. Derek finally broke the silence as he walked over to the holes in the walls.
“How did we not realize?” He asked, his voice uncharacteristically small. He traced the edge of the plaster with a shaky hand.
“It wasn’t on his prison records. We wouldn’t have known unless he told us.” Emily states, the shock lacing her voice. There was a moment of silence.
“We’re profilers.” JJ started, “Not even that, we’re his friends. And we didn’t notice. Not when it was going on, not when it was over, not when he was out.” She started shaking. “We didn’t notice that Spencer was being raped.” It was like the gates finally opened. Penelope and JJ started sobbing, clinging onto each other. Derek had tears running down his face, same as Emily, who took that moment to walk after Spencer. Luke and Matt looked shocked. Tara disappeared and Rossi set his face before taking a picture frame off the wall and walking over to the holes in the walls.
“We need to hang this over the holes or there’s going to be a big incident report.” He notes.
“Why did you say anything, Morgan? We all knew he was going to break, but that was too much. You pushed too hard.” Luke looks at Derek in disgust before walking back out to the Bullpen.
SPENCER
I heard someone walking up behind me, coming to sit next to me. I shuffled over, giving them room. I had long since stopped sobbing, but I couldn’t help shaking like a leaf. I feel Emily’s hand on my shoulder.
“I’m not gay. I’m not Bisexual. I have only ever been attracted to girls. I did everything I could to get out of there. To get back to you guys. I did everything. Anything.” Emily rubs my shoulder as I let out a sigh. Too many thoughts are running through my mind to be able to express the fact that I might be attracted to not only a man, but someone on the team.
“We make a living from what we get. We make a life by what we give.” She says. I can hear the smile in her voice. I lift my head from my lap to look at her, smiling slightly.
“Winston Churchill.” I look at the tears that are falling down her face. “You guys are my family. I would do it again if it meant I got to come home to all of you.” I stand, offering her a hand and pulling her up.
“You can say that, but you never should have had to do it. You never should have gone through any of that alone. I’m so sorry, Spencer.” She said, pulling me down for a hug. I nod shakily and she wipes her face off with her sleeve before pulling me through the door. We make our way through the halls, back to the office. Everyone had gone back to their desks, Penelope and Luke hanging out at Matt Simmons’ desk.
“I lost my virginity at 19 to a girl at a rock concert. And before you ask, yes it was something I chose to go to.” I looked directly at Penelope. “I’m sorry for yelling.” She smiled slightly, her eyes rimmed with red and her lip trembling. She slowly moves forward, looking worried. I open my arms, which makes her smile fully and wrap her arms around me.
“What was it?” I heard from behind me. I let Penelope go and turn around, seeing Derek walk up towards me. “The concert. Who was it for?”
“The Foo Fighters.” I said, chuckling.
“My man.” He said, putting a hand on my shoulder.
Maybe I didn’t have a good time in prison, maybe I did things I regret and that I shouldn’t have done. But I would do it all over again anytime as long as I could get back to my friends. My family.