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Honestly? Whenever Xisuma went out to ‘fight’ the villain group known as the Hermits, it always felt like he was just getting incessantly harassed by each and every single one of them.
They didn’t even do evil things half of the time, they just wanted to cause as much harmless chaos as possible and give Xisuma as many headaches as they could along the way.
It really was a headache.
But. They were classified as villains, and his job didn’t stop for anything. Not even for adults who acted like toddlers.
“Oh look who’s finally home,” His sibling, Ex, spun dramatically around in their chair. They overshot and spun an extra round with a yelp before steadying themselves.
Xisuma sighed.
“Ex, you know how long they take to take care of,” Xisuma popped off his helmet and slid it onto the coffee table, plopping down exhaustedly onto the couch.
“Take care of as in capture or play house with?” Ex raised an eyebrow. Xisuma gave them a glare. “I’m just saying! You spend an awful lot of time with that Arek villain.”
First of all, what kind of name was Arek? It just sounded like a normal civilian name, not a villain part of the most infamous villain group of all time.
Xisuma’s face reddened, but not in an embarrassed way.
“EX!”
“I’m just saying!” Ex shrugged. “You do seem like a cute couple.”
“Ex, you know I don’t like people in that way!”
“Arek and Xi-su-ma, sitting in a tree.”
Xisuma wiggled a finger at them as if to say ‘Don’t you dare’.
“S-i-t-t-i-n-g,” They gave the most evil grin on planet Craft, so much so that Xisuma almost thought they were one of the Hermits, and leaped out of their chair and skittered off.
Xisuma groaned.
------
Xisuma rubbed his temples. Keralis tilted his head at his roommate.
“Are they bothering you again?”
Xisuma groaned in confirmation.
“Would you like some tea?”
“Yes please.”
Keralis came back four minutes later with a large canteen of steaming hot tea. Xisuma accepted it greatly.
“So what are they up to now?” He sunk onto the couch next to Xisuma.
“They’re screaming about arson. Apparently Grian brought up the idea of burning down that courthouse that declared us insane?” He took a large sip. “Even TFC is joining in.”
“I thought he went dormant?”
“Yeah, well, now he’s back and apparently now campaigning for burning stuff down.”
Keralis contemplated this for a bit.
“I’ll join.”
Xisuma winced as everyone in the system cheered just a bit louder.
“Please don’t.”
“Awwww, Sheshwammy,” Keralis pouted, slouching down and sprawling his legs across Xisuma’s lap. “You know I’ve gotten away with a lot of arson back in the day.”
“I know. You’ve told me. Many times. But I don’t feel much like going to jail today.”
“You're no fun.”
“I know.”
------
“No no no no, Pearl, that is not food,” Xisuma chased the small 6 year old around the daycare.
“Nommie!” She screamed, laughing the entire way with a small, toy construction helmet in her hands.
“And this,” Ex explained to a small gathering of kids while holding up a card with a little fire printed on it. “Is arson.”
“Awson good!” Grian flapped his hands.
Xisuma would have to deal with that headache later.
“Hey!” Tiny toddler Scar rolled his tiny toddler wheelchair to block Pearl from entering his little toy town which he lovingly named Scarland. “You know the wules! Pay up!”
“Gotcha!” Xisuma grabbed Pearl into a gentle hold. “Now let’s-”
Just as Xisuma was about to lecture her on the dangers of eating plastic, Tango banged a toy pot and pan together, causing everyone to look at him.
“THE DUNGEON IS OPEN!”
The daycare was silent for a moment as they processed. Then, kids left and right abandoned whatever they had been doing seconds before and rushed to a single file line in front of the toy ‘dungeon’. Even Pearl managed to wiggle out of his grip, fastening the helmet as she lined up behind Gem.
Xisuma sighed. Where was this orderly queue when it came time for snacks?
------
“Hello everyone!” Xisuma made his character shift on screen. “Welcome back to stream number 942 of my let’s play single player, Hermitcraft!”
Nobody responded. Nobody watched his streams, after all. It really was quite lonely.
“I was thinking about working in the shopping district today. The ninth. It is season 9 after all. HotGuy tower is still unfinished, so why don’t we complete that?” He was already on his way to said district. Each new season brought a new large plot of land on the world, and it now took quite a bit of time to fly all the way from spawn to S9.
And it didn’t take about ten minutes. He narrated his work despite there only being two viewers. One was himself and the other was probably a bot.
Or… maybe not.
Keralis : Hotguy? Like the fictional superhero?
Xisuma jumped at the chat message. He wasn’t used to actual people besides spam bots and trolls.
“Y-yes! It is! I quite enjoy ConCorpComics, are you a fan?”
Keralis : YES YES YES :DDDD
Xisuma smiled. Maybe he wasn’t so alone after all.
------
Was there such a thing as a reverse orphanage? Because that’s exactly what Hermitcraft was.
Just Xisuma, the chaotic one, and the Hermits, who all needed more coffee, more patience, and a forking break.
It was basically like twenty or so people trying to leash and walk it like a dog. Except the worm could also fly, could swim, could kill you, and very much did not like people ruining it’s fun.
Because that was Xisuma. Xisuma was the worm.
Except Xisuma, right now, wasn’t a worm and instead a feral raccoon who had been caught stealing False’s items from her chest monster.
“Hey!” She yelled, pulling away abruptly. “What did we say about biting people!”
“Not to,” Xisuma bit thin air a few times. “Which is why I’m doing it.”
False sighed.
“X- I- Just go to your room.”
“Don’t have one,” He smiled smugly.
“Don’t- what do you mean?” False almost spilled her coffee. Almost. She would never dare spill something so vital to her health.
“I blew it up,” Xisuma, while staring False directly in the eyes, just slipped even more deepslate out of the shulker box he had open. It wasn’t his shulker box though. It was False’s.
“Then go to my room,” She demanded.
Xisuma gave the most pathetic pout under his mask. And glumly headed to her house. He slammed the door (the entire house shook), and a second later very very loud heavy metal music started to play.
False groaned.