Work Text:
Hiyori waved a hand in their direction, her face open in a warm grin. Shortly in front of her, Kofuku and Daikoku did the same.
“See you tomorrow, Yato-chan!” Kofuku shouted cheerfully, toddling behind Daikoku.
“Goodnight!” simply said Hiyori, before walking around the corner.
It was a quiet night.
Yato breathed in the chilly air, the glimpse of a smile on his lips.
If he thought about all they'd been through in the last few months, it felt surreal to still be able to spend evenings like those, in the company of friends, funny stories and sake. They'd been so close to losing it all, he had been so close to losing it all – Hiyori and Yukine and all he ever knew. But here they were, some more scars on and under their skins, but safe and sound, the moon shining bright over their heads and a cozy reassuring silence surrounding them. And Yato couldn't be more grateful for that.
Next to him, Yukine let out a yawn.
“Ne Yukine, let's go to bed.”
They got inside, the laughs of the evening still echoing in the empty hallway, trailing them off as they climbed up the stairs to their bedroom.
As always, the God lit up the lamp on the little night table that separated his futon from Yukine's, before turning off the main one, leaving the room in a warm smoky light.
“Goodnight Yukine!” he cooed happily, resting his head against the pillow.
“Goodnight Yato.”
It didn’t take long for the god to realize something was off in his hafuri’s voice.
“Something’s wrong?”
“No, everything’s fine,” Yukine replied casually, sounding convincing enough that Yato didn't feel the need to investigate more.
One moment later the god was absently rubbing his chest. He quirked an eyebrow.
“Why are you nervous?”
“I'm not nervous!”
Yukine bit his lips, glancing at Yato who was still rubbing his chest under the blanket. He let out a sigh. “Actually I– I was thinking that you could… turn it off,” he eventually said in one breath, eyes locked somewhere on the covers.
Yato didn't answer immediately. He frowned a little.“You want me to turn off the light?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
It took Yukine a moment to collect the words in his head. “The thing is…” he started, not sure how to go on. He breathed in. “Now that I know why I was so afraid of the dark, I feel like I don’t have to anymore. I don’t want what happened to keep affecting me,” he stopped briefly, blushing slightly. “I want to let it go. I don’t wanna be scared of the dark forever and I know I'm safe here so… I was thinking I could try.”
A sound extremely similar to a sniff made Yukine suddenly lift his head. Yato was looking at him visibly emotional, covering his mouth with a hand, eyes shining in the bright light of the lamp.
“What the– are you seriously crying?!”
“My boy is growing up so fast," Yato mumbled in a high-pitched voice. “I'm so proud of you!”
“Alright, cut it out now!"
Yato nodded, drying out some tears welled up in his eyes. “Are you sure? Can I turn it off?”
“Yes.”
“Alright. Just promise me you'll tell me to turn it on if you don’t feel like it anymore, ok? Whatever it is, just tell me.”
“I will,” Yukine replied, rolling his eyes in annoyance, but secretly glad for the god's thoughtfulness.
Yato smirked and turned off the light.
The room was quickly swallowed by a thick pitch black. Yukine's eyes widened, trying to guess the outlines of objects around him. The faint bluish light filtering through the window cast odd shadows on the wall, deforming the shapes of the furniture and the clothes stacked on the chair near his futon. He lowered his gaze on his hands. He couldn't see anything, not even where the mattress ended and the floor began. It felt like drifting into a dark ocean, fighting to stay afloat, and at the same time like being trapped in a box, walls shrinking around him, leaving no room for air…
He snapped his eyes shut, his heart pounding and cutting off his breath. He had to calm down. He was only hurting Yato that way.
There's nothing to be scared of.
I'm not there.
I'm not there.
It's just dark.
I don’t have to be scared.
How long has it been? Two minutes? Or two hours? There was no way to know it, but it definitely felt like hours.
He clutched his hand in a fist, trying to fight the urge to turn the light on. His heart couldn't stop hammering in his chest. He couldn't bear it one second more. He reached out his fingers in the dark, eyes still firmly closed –he didn't want to dive into that deep black again.
Yukine gritted his teeth. C'mon, where was the light switch? He couldn't reach it…
He felt the tears stinging in his eyes.
Maybe he should call Yato, but knowing the god he was probably already fast asleep and he didn't want to wake him up just because he was too scared to even open his eyes and turn on the light by himself.
He could resist a little longer. He had to. Just a little longer.
Calm down.
I'm not there.
There's nothing to be scared of.
I’m not there.
I’m not–
His breath caught up. His lungs swelled but no air was filling them.
I– I'm there.
A click.
Yukine squeezed his eyes, slowly blinking the darkness away as a warm yellow light bathed him. He took a deep breath, as when resurfacing after fearing drowning. His heartbeat slowed down, the relief spreading inside his chest as his gaze wandered around, recognising the outlines of their room.
“Yukine,” Yato called, a hint of concern sitting in his composed voice. Yukine turned around, meeting Yato's reassuring but slightly furrowed gaze. He passed a hand over his face, wiping away two tears quietly streaming down his cheeks. Embarrassing.
“You good?”
“Y-yeah." He sighed, his mouth dry. “I’m sorry. I woke you up, didn't I?”
“Actually, I wasn't asleep yet.”
“Really?” That was odd. Unless… “How long has it been since you turned off the light?”
“Mm… Five minutes?" he stretched under the blanket. "I guess. Maybe a bit more.”
“What?!”
Yukine looked away, trying to hide the blush on his cheeks. Five minutes...
“Hey! That's a huge achievement!” Yato slurred through a yawn, still managing to grin widely.
Yukine huffed. “No, it's not. I started to freak out as soon as it got dark. I– I thought I was there…”
Yato stiffened for a moment. It didn’t need other words to know what Yukine was referring too. It still sent shivers down his spine thinking what his regalia went through. If a god could have asked for a wish, he had no doubt what his would have been: make Yukine forget his horrible past and all the hardships he had to endure because of Father – and because of him. Relegate those memories to a bad dream, one of those you forget in the morning when the sun washes away all the terrors of the night and you feel safe and sound from the whole world.
But Gods aren't granted wishes, and he was left to pick up Yukine's shattered pieces after his own mistakes, trying his best to make up for them and not mess it up again. He'd risked losing him so many times already, he'd do anything to make sure he'd never suffer again. He would protect him at any cost. And in the meantime, he would help him heal.
Yato's look softened in an encouraging smile. “Don't beat yourself up, Yukine. It takes time to overcome fears. We'll try again tomorrow night, I'm sure it'll get better.”
But Yukine shook his head firmly and locked his eyes on Yato's. "Turn the light off again now.”
Yato pressed his lips together in a slightly worried look. “Yukine, this has nothing to do with courage. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, especially to me. You know that, right?”
“I know," Yukine muttered.
“Then let's leave the light on. It's okay. We'll get over this together, night by night. Let's–” he let out another yawn. “Let's just go to sleep.”
"Why don't you understand?" Yukine said out loud all of a sudden. "Tomorrow it'll be the same! It doesn’t matter if it's one minute or one hour, it'll never go away. That's why I have to do it." He lowered his gaze and Yato felt the skin below his rib itching slightly; he fought the urge to scratch it. “I'm tired of this stupid fear. I'm tired of feeling like something inside me is broken when I'm finally feeling happy again. I wanna leave it all behind. I–" Something was shining in Yukine's eyes, caught by the soft light of the table lamp and Yato's chest shrinked all over again. "I can't let him win. Not again. Never again. You understand that, right? So turn it off, Yato. Please, turn the light off."
Yato stared at him in silence for a moment. He sighed. “You're really stubborn if you want to, uh?”
Yukine gave him a crooked smile and Yato smirked proudly. “Alright then, I'll turn it off again!" he declared. He stretched out an arm outside of the bed covers, his fingers hovering over the light switch. “Remember that I'm here, whatever you need, we can turn it on whenever you want. You just… close your eyes and think about something funny. Or about Hiyori. I always think about Hiyori before falling asleep, hoping I'll get the chance to dream of–.”
“Yato!”
“Fine! I was trying to be helpful, you know?”
“You weren't!”
Yato shrugged. “Ready?”
Yukine took a deep breath and nodded. “Yes.”
“Then, goodnight again Yukine!”
“‘Goodnight Yato.”
Once again, the room plunged into darkness, but this time Yukine had his eyes already closed. He focused on his breathing, taking small steady gasps of air. He didn't want to bother Yato again, so he had to remain in control of his thoughts and emotions. As soon as his mind drifted away from his breathing, he shifted back to something nice. The little fun story Daikoku told them that evening, Hiyori's sweet laugh, one of Yato's usual nonsense… It worked for a while, and Yukine could feel the tiredness collected during the day finally kicking in, his thoughts mixing together and fading away in his sleep.
It was probably a crack of the wood due to humidity, a quite typical sound he got used to hearing during the night. When the light was on, at least.
His eyes snapped open. Darkness flooded him once again. His heart skipped a beat, before starting racing again. He shut them close swiftly.
Dammit.
He just had to relax, no big deal. He did it before, he could do it again. But this time, his mind didn't seem to respond to his commands, no matter how hard he tried.
Why? Why was he so weak?
He suddenly felt powerless, like those evenings when he was a kid. Small uneven breaths filled the silence as fear swallowed him whole again, pulling at his chest and his throat, a heavy hand squashing him down, leaving no space for air. He shuddered, already starting to sing his litany again – there's nothing to be scared of. I'm not there. He's not here. It's just dark. I'm not there… When he felt something.
He winced back instinctively, but that soft touch reached him again. It felt… familiar. He got closer to it on the edge of his futon and to his surprise his hand was caught in a soothing grip. His lips bent in a grimace of slight disgust: no doubt whose that damp, sticky hand belonged to. By now, he knew by heart every single wrinkle on that skin, every single rough scar that covered it. Yato's hand, wielding him firmly in battle, now holding him with unexpected tenderness.
Blushing a little, he closed his fingers on the back of the god's hand. He centered all his attention on that single contact, a grip on reality, reminding him where he actually was: safe and sound in their room, the warmth of his bed and Yato's secure presence next to him. The past, just a long-distance memory of a lifetime ago – nothing that could hurt him now.
He closed his eyes, feeling Yato's thumb brushing his hand in small, circular movements. His heartbeat paced down again, his breaths getting more and more steady as the tremble that shook his body ceased. He let his mind drift in the nothingness, let the warmth and softness carry him away from any dread.
The glimpse of a smile grazed his lips, as the peaceful breaths of the god lulled him back to sleep.
Dark was starting to feel no longer that scary.
“Ne Yukine, I didn’t know you liked holding hands that much!”
“Shut up!”