Chapter Text
Leo is 16 years old when he remembers.
It's been months since the Kraang invasion and despite the scars that the battle left behind, things are good.
Raph has trouble seeing out of his bad eye and some rough scars but his nightmares have become a lot less frequent and he's finally letting them leave the lair without him.
Donnie has started to be comfortable with physical touch again. His shell still aches on bad days but when it doesn't, he lets Leo trace patterns on the leather carapace.
Mikey hands still have mild tremors but the compression gloves that Donnie made him have helped a lot. He’s still struggling to focus on his own issues but its a work in progress.
Leo is…coping. He hasn't told anyone but honestly he can barely remember what happened with the Kraang. He figures he must've put those memories away in the box he doesn't touch.
Anyway! Movie night had been Mikey's suggestion, something about getting Donnie out of his lab and Raph to relax. Leo is sure that his little brother had some secret reason for him to join as well but Mikey didnt say.
He's watching some random Sci-Fi movie with his brothers and the smell of clove incense permeates the air.
The lair is just the right temperature this time of year but Mikey still insists on bundling up with his favorite orange blanket as they pack together on the couch.
Leo's just finished laughing at another one of Donnie's scathing critiques on the CGI when he remembers.
He remembers being young, less than ten. Leo doesn't know the exact age but he knows he was too young.
The memories are grainy, black and white. Burnt around the edges and in third person.
Leo remembers someone he trusted, someone he wanted to be just like when he grew up.
She was older than him by a few years, cool and confident. Everything he wasn't.
He wanted her to like him so bad.
It wasn't romantic, Leo was too young to really care about that kind of thing. It was admiration, he admired her.
He copied everything she did, much to her annoyance.
Anything she wanted, he would give.
He doesn't remember how it starts, only how it ends.
He remembers touching and licking and pushing and pressure and sweat-
A particularly loud sound effect from the movie pulls him back to the present.
Leo blinks and he's right back in the living room.
He looks numbly around at his brothers, they're still watching the movie like nothing happened because nothing happened.
Nothing happened to them. Something happened to him.
They don't know, he realizes.
They dont know because he didnt even know until just now. They can go back to their rooms and sleep. Leo could just never say anything.
They could never know.
He looks down at his hands before letting his wide eyes drift back to the screen, it feels surreal. The juxstaposition of his laughing family and the bright colors of the TV with the abject horror of his memories.
Isn't this the part where he's supposed to cry? Shouldn't he be breaking down or saying something? Anything?
Instead, laughter rips itself from his chest.
It's kind of funny, right?
Funny how desperate he was for attention as a child, funny how distant their father was, funny how easy it was to sneak out of the lair to see his secret friend.
The funny thing about being raped, Leo thinks, is that sometimes you don't even realize it's happened until you're 16 years old and watching a movie with your brothers almost a decade after the fact.
No one questions his laughter, he assumes the movie must be pretty bad.
Leo stumbles off the couch on shaking legs, feeling too much like a child learning to walk. Feeling too much like a child in general.
He doesnt move beyond that, frozen like a deer in headlights.
"Leo?" Raph asks.
He can feel the questioning gazes of his younger brothers burning into his back but he only looks to his big brother, his protecter. Raph wouldn't blame him, right?
This is the part where you're supposed to say something.
He opens his mouth and all that comes out is more laughter.
Raph doesn't look worried, just confused. Which is scary, Leo decides.
Raph is always worried, he's supposed to be worried about Leo right now. Why isn't he concerned? Why is Leo still laughing?
He has to leave, he thinks deliriously. He has to go, right fucking now.
Leo shakes his head, a sickeningly huge smile on his face as he desperately reaches for his katanas.
Raph frowns, "What are you-" He cuts himself off and his eyes widen as Leo's fingers catch the hilt of his katana by the side of the couch. He doesn't even bother grabbing the second one as he blindly slashes through the air and makes what he's sure is his worst portal yet, judging by the ragged edges and navy blue color.
He barely has time to hear Mikey shout, "Wait, Leo!" before he free falls backwards into his exit.
Leo comes to on the floor of an abandoned gas station in what he can only assume is Utah. It's a pretty big assumption considering how rough that portal was but it feels shitty enough to be Utah.
He must've hit his head on the way down because damn does that hurt.
There's a blissful few seconds where he can't remember that particular fun fact about his childhood or why he's here but it comes back to him quickly. Too quickly, if you ask Leo.
He also comes to the realization that he is royally screwed. He just broke a cardinal rule in the Hamato household. Two actually, if you're counting.
Never go out alone and don't let Leo portal away to avoid an emotional confrontation.
The first one is an actual rule, put in place by splinter when they were tots. The second is an unspoken rule that became common sense in their home after Leo got his odachi and realized he could go to Hueso's instead of being vulnerable with his brothers.
Leo's been getting better about responsibility and following rules but something about unrepressing childhood trauma will make you a bit irrational, who knew?
He sits up, wincing at the pain in his head and the griminess of the floor. Clearly this place has been abandoned for years.
He wraps his arms around his legs and presses his forehead into his knees, trying to think of a way out of this.
Donnie definitely knows where he is, given the fact that he has a tendency to put a tracker in anything he even remotely cares about. If he is actually in Utah, he's more than an entire days worth of driving away from New York. Luckily, he still has his katana with him so he can easily just portal home.
The problem, he thinks, is what comes after getting home.
How the hell is he going to explain laughing like a freak and portaling to Utah in the middle of movie night?
Pizza.
Leo pops back into the lair with a stack of pizzas and a smile, determined to lie his ass off.
Hes almost immediately tackled by a tearful little brother and fumbles to catch the pizzas before they fall, "Leo!" Mikey cries.
"Woah! Wheres the fire, Miguel?" Leo asks.
“Where were you?” Mikey pulls back from the hug and levels him with a glare.
“Uh, isn't in obvious? Just getting dinner, dude.” Leo lies easily, gesturing towards the stack of pizzas.
“You could've just said that when you left, you know.” Mikey huffs.
“And wheres the fun it that, little brother? Gotta keep the mystery alive.” The words slide off Leo's tongue far easier than he’d like to admit. Lyings always come easy to him but that doesnt mean he likes to do it.
He looks away from a sufficently convinced Mikey to give Raph and Donnie a smile. He hands them all a box of pizza and searches their expressions.
Raph looks like he’s almost buying it but Leo suspects his big brother sense is going off. Raph's always had a knack for knowing when any of them are upset. It really gets on Leos nerves when he's trying to put his problems in the box and never think about them again, thank you very much.
The set to Raph's jaw gives him away. He's concerned. Not good. Time for Leo to up his game.
“That movie was awful by the way, next time I get to pick. I think I might actually die if I have to see another horrible CGI nightmare.” He says casually, eating a slice of pizza.
Raph crosses his arms, concern momentarily forgotten. “Raph always picks the best movies!”
“Objectively false.” Donnie supplies, but his eyes are calculating. His gaze is locked on Leo's katana.
Definitely not good.
Raph squawks in offense and Mikey continues to rib him for his taste in movies. Leo grits his teeth and tries to shove everything back in the box but its practically overflowing.
Put it in the box, Leo. Don't think about it. Don't think-
He's brought back to the conversation when Raph says his name, Leo looks up at him.
“But seriously, you okay bud?” Raph asks.
The nickname makes Leo's eyes water but he's quick to blink back the tears.
“Never better, big guy.” He smiles.
"If you say so." Raph doesn't push it, thank god.
He puts his hand on Leo's head, just likes he's done hundreds of times before. It's a comforting gesture, despite the fact that they dont have any hair to ruffle. Or it would be comforting, if Leo hadn't remembered.
Leo feels his blood run cold as the memories of pushing flood his senses and for one horrifying and irrational moment, he thinks its going to happen again. Raph is older than him. He’s so much bigger than him, so much stronger, he could-
But he doesn't. Of course he doesn't.
Raph moves his hand away and grabs a slice of pizza, saying something to Mikey. Leo can't hear it over the ringing in his ears.
He feels sick.
Did he really think his big brother would ever do that to him? How fucked up is he?
Leo is quick to fumble out some excuse about being tired and having to use the bathroom or something.
He stumbles into his bedroom, knocking something over as he collapses on the floor.
Leo stifles his sobs as tears flow down his cheeks. He shakes his head wildly, gritting his teeth and squeezing his eyes shut.
Make it stop, please, make it stop.
The memories come regardless. They don't care if he doesnt want to remember. They have been repressed for years, clawing at the walls of his mind. Leo can no longer hold them back.
”Come on, I helped you. Why can't you help me?”
What did he say back? Did he fight? Did he scream and yell and say no?
Leo can't remember. He doesn't think so.
With a dawning horror, Leo realizes there's a chance that he could've wanted it. He might have asked for it. Might have begged until she gave in. She never wanted anything to do with him, why would she want him like that?
Unless he asked.
Suddenly, other memories start clicking into place. Things start to make sense. His hypersexuality as a child, knowing things that he was too young to know, his sexual intrusive thoughts.
Does it even count as sexual assault if you wanted it? Leo has no idea. He wants his big brother. He wants to go home.
Leo can't tell anyone. He knows that. He knows.
But god does he want to. The knowledge gnaws at him, scratching and clawing at his chest.
He wants someone to know. He wants someone to hold him and promise that they would never do that.
There's a little voice in his head, louder than his own shame, that urges him to tell someone. Anyone.
He attempts to shove it down like everything else, this neediness. This wanting. But the box is simply too full. There's no where else for it to go but out.
This is how he finds himself at his Raph's curtain door.
Leo isn't even entirely sure what he's here for. Whether its guidance or protection. Neither or both. Regardless, he knows he'll find it here.
He takes a breath, steels himself, and brushes past the curtain into Raph's bedroom.
Raph is sitting on his bed lifting weights, focused.
There's a split second where Leo just stands there, silent.
He briefly wonders if it's possible for him to be comforted without having to say the words, to tell the story without being in it, for Raph to just know.
He could leave, Raph hasn't noticed him yet.
Leo could leave, never say a word to anyone.
He takes a step back, determined not to burden him, and thats when Raph looks up.
“Hey, buddy.” Raph smiles.
Leo stays.
He spends a moment rehearsing his script, how he'll say it. If he'll say it.
Leo realizes he's been silent too long and opens his mouth to speak, to say something, anything.
Nothing.
Leo always has something to say, some dumb joke or quip. Some ridiculous pun or rehearsed line to make his brothers smile.
His entire script evaporates like smoke.
Instead, he shakes. His entire body starts to tremble with the force of his anxiety.
He bites his tongue, wishing it would bleed so he could taste something other than bile. It doesn't.
Raph is standing now, weights forgotten. His mouth is twisted in a concerned frown, chasm on full display.
Leo looks up at him. eyes wide, pupils dilated.
In the dim light of his brothers bedroom, Leo admits something that he hasn't let himself think in years.
“I'm scared, Raphie.” he breathes.
That's all Raph needs to hear. In one big practiced movement, Leo is swept up into Raph's arms. The snapper squeezes him tightly, the soothing pressure swallows his anxieties whole.
Leo clings to Raph like its the only thing keeping him alive. He presses his forehead against raphs plastron and can't help the sob that escapes his throat.
“Hey hey hey, it's okay. I've got you, pal.” Raph assures.
“Raph- Raph, I'm so gross. Its my fault, it's all my fault.” Leo mutters through tears, almost incoherent.
“Woah, what's goin’ on?” Raph asks, concerned.
Leo shakes his head, he can't say it. He doesn't know if it counts, he doesn't know anything anymore.
“...I think I wanted it.” He whispers, honest in the only way he knows how. Raw and real and confused.
“Wanted what, Leo?” Raph asks, horror slowly overcoming him. Still, he asks the question he's not sure he wants an answer to.
“Wanted her to- to touch me.” Leo chokes out.
Raph inhales sharply, squeezes his little brother even tighter, rubs his shell in circular motions. He knows there's more Leo wants to say.
“And- And I cant remember, Raph. I was so young. Raph I can't- can't remember. She wasn't an adult either. What if it doesn't count? I don't know. I don't like remembering. I hate this. I hate this so much. I'm so disgusting. I bet I wanted it. I can't believe I wanted attention that bad-” He rants, getting angrier and angrier by the second.
All Leo can do is watch helplessly as every terrible thought and every horrible secret he's ever shoved in the box spills out of his mouth unbidden.
“Leo, look at me.” Raph cuts him off, firm but not unkind. He pulls back from the hug slightly, just so he can look him in the eye.
Of course, Leo remembers. Larger than life, steady. His big brother. His Atlas.
“What she did to you was not your fault. It doesn't matter if she wasn't an adult, it was still wrong. You're allowed to be upset about what was done to you.” Raphs voice waivers and tears fill his eyes but his gaze is strong and secure. Confident.
“But what if I wanted it?” Leo asks, still scared. Still disgusted by the child he once was.
“How old were you when this happened?” Raph asks, instead of answering.
“Seven or Eight, if I had to guess.” He shrugs, like its no big deal. looks away because it is.
Raph sighs shakily, closes his eyes for a second to push down his anger at whoever did this. She's not important, Leo is.
“Leo, a kid that young doesn't even know what sex is. Of course you didn't want it.” He reassures, like its obvious. like it hasn't kept Leo up at night.
"You sure?" He pleads, just to hear it again.
"You didn't want it, bud. It wasn't your fault." Raph affirms.
“I love you.” Leo sniffs, clinging onto Raph again.
“Love you too, little brother.” Raph sighs.