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Sitting slouched forward on the edge of an old bridge, high above the abyss that stretched between two hilltops, Matt spent the last few hours alone in his sanctuary in the woods. He had found the old bridge on a less popular hiking trail a while back, and deeply enjoyed the scenery. Some time later, after his anxiety reached an all-time high, he took off from their home, and ended up finding his way back here. The place quickly became his go-to spot after that, and now Matt came here every time his thoughts got to loud and he needed everything to be quiet.
The old bridge was his retreat, a place where he could be alone, clear his head and feel at peace. He always sat on the edge, legs dangling above the seemingly endless abyss, a few hundred feet above ground. Matt knew that one unlucky move could cost him his life, but ironically enough, he never felt more alive, more real, than he did as he sat there.
As he gazed at the horizon, watching the sun disappear for the day, a profound sense of emptiness enveloped him. Today was just one of those days, when everything got too much, and he desperately needed to come here to escape, at least for a while.
Ever since he was young, Matt always felt different, less of a person, somehow. Unlike so many people surrounding him, Matt never had his own dream, an actual goal to work towards, a passion to drive him. And it made him feel incomplete, lonely, boring.
He thought back on the people he knew, remembered how they all just knew what they wanted to do in life. There was this classmate from middle school, who dream of becoming a basketball player. Even as young as he was, Matt was mesmerised by the boy’s passion, he noticed how his eyes positively lit up as he talked about it, how he dedicated every free hour that he had to practice, how he refrained from having cake at birthday parties, saying that athletes needed to watch their diet.
Matt wanted to have that fire burning within himself.
He remembered the numerous ‘good’ students from their high school, how they were set on getting into top universities, so they never missed a class, took notes religiously, and always aimed to get the high score. Matt knew they sacrificed a lot for that as well, skipping out on going to parties and enjoying various hobbies, all in the name of working towards their goal.
Matt wanted to want something that badly as well.
His thoughts then drifted to his brothers. Nick, with his deep-rooted passion for photography, his eyes always searching for the perfect shot. He remembered how his brother had begged their parents for a camera all the time, how absolutely overjoyed he was when he finally got it, how he took it with them everywhere ever since. He remembered how Nick started skipping movie nights or gaming sessions with their friends, so he could spend time reading up on the theory behind photography, or to watch online courses, all to improve his skills.
Matt also wanted an interest or skill to work and improve on.
He thought of Chris, whose joy came from connecting with people, making them laugh, his enthusiasm infectious and his creativity boundless. He remembered how his brother had made them film various skits, or pranks, and proudly showed the videos to everyone. He remembered how Chris brimmed with enthusiasm every time he succeeded in making others laugh.
Matt wanted to know that feeling too.
He thought about the countless people chasing their passion, how committed they were, willing to put in hours of work each day, years upon years, sacrificing their social life and god knows what else, all to achieve their goal.
But Matt? He felt like a ship adrift in the dark, no anchor, no direction, just miles and miles of uncharted darkness all around. Unlike them, he had no burning desire, no clear path he yearned to follow. As high school was nearing its end, this realisation had plunged him deeper into the clutches of anxiety and depression. He was surrounded by dreamers, aspiring individuals with clear goals and ambitions, while he struggled even getting out of bed, weighted heavily by uncertainty, his heart devoid of passion.
When the idea of pursuing a YouTube career with his brothers became a serious option, Matt initially jumped at the chance, filled with relief. It meant staying close to Nick and Chris, the two constants in his life, and it gave him time, time he desperately needed to discover his own calling. But years passed, and Matt was no closer to finding what he so desperately wanted.
Their YouTube career, though successful, didn't fill the void within him. It was a path chosen out of convenience, not out of love or passion. And while Matt realised it was infinitely better than working any boring corporate job he may have otherwise settled for, it still wasn’t what he wanted to do, it wasn’t really him. And he slowly started to hate it.
It was fine at first, fun even; he got to spent his days with his best friends, goofing around and laughing together. But the high quickly wore off, and Matt was left dealing with his newfound reality. He would never be completely ‘normal’ again; anything he wore, any social interaction he would have, his every move would be public knowledge, analysed and commented on.
Though he and his brothers were theoretically their own bosses, the reality was that they had certain expectations to meet, like posting on their assigned days, never missing a term. This meant filming even when one of them was sick or feeling bad, physically or mentally – an issue that’s been bothering Matt more and more frequently.
His mental health was getting worse by the day, effecting every aspect of his life. He was stuck in a vicious cycle, one he had no way of escaping. He had trouble falling asleep at night, laying awake for hours on end, staring at the ceiling and overthinking. When he woke up, hours later than he’d like, Matt couldn’t force himself to get up, it was impossible, some days he’d lay in bed for hours after waking up. Showering and brushing his teeth was difficult, eating barely possible and interacting with people practically impossible.
Talking with anyone, even his brothers, was becoming too much for him to handle. He had to use every ounce of strength left in him to muster the energy to film, but the constant struggle left him irritated, quick to anger and generally unamused – something everyone had picked up on. Fans included.
Thus started the comments. Matt knew it wasn’t smart, but he couldn’t stop himself from reading what their viewers were saying; some joked around and liked to call him ‘tuff’, a lot of them were saying he looked tired, like filming was a chore for him, and the meaner ones just straight up said that the channel would be better without Matt, that he was annoying and boring.
Matt couldn’t even be mad, since he agreed. He was tired, filming was a chore and he did feel annoying and boring.
But see, although Matt had stopped denying it and making excuses, finally admitting to himself that this whole YouTube thing was a mistake and he regretted it, it wasn’t something he could ever, ever say out loud. Not to anyone, his brothers least of all.
He might have been too young and naïve to know what he was agreeing to, but the moment he said ‘yes’ to doing this, his fate was sealed nonetheless. Since anything one of them said or did affected all three of them now, their whole career and future on the line.
Although Matt wanted nothing more than to quit and be free of this life, feeling this job sucking the remaining energy out of him, he could never bring himself to say anything. No matter what anyone said or thought, Matt knew that any one of them, himself included, leaving the channel would eventually lead to their downfall. It would destroy his brothers’ dreams. And Matt couldn’t do that to them. He couldn't allow himself to be this selfish. Not now, not ever.
So Matt swallowed down his true feelings, resigning himself to his fate.
Sitting there on the bridge, with the void beneath him mirroring the void within, Matt couldn't help but feel melancholic. He imagined briefly how it’d be like if he just leaned forward a little bit more… would he be scared? Or would it feel freeing? I guess I’ll never know, he sighed.
The tranquillity of his surroundings, usually so comforting, did nothing to ease the deep pain in his heart. The vast expanse of the forest, with its natural beauty and serenity, the freedom it represented, all seemed to mock his personal prison. The setting sun, with its promise of endings and new beginnings, only highlighted the resigned stagnation he felt in his soul.
As darkness began to envelop the woods, Matt remained motionless, his eyes a window to his broken, empty soul.
He once again thought of his brothers and wondered what they’d say if they knew how much he was actually struggling with this; would they take him seriously, put his well-being and happiness first and set him free, freeing him from the channel effective immediately, while remaining by his side? Or would their disappointment and heart-break tilt the scale the other way, making them (openly or privately) resent him for ruining their chances at achieving their dreams?
At the end, it didn’t matter how they’d react. They’d be destroyed either way. Matt couldn’t and wouldn’t risk it. Neither his brothers’ happiness, nor their bond.
When he arrived home that night, hours later, Nick and Chris were already downstair waiting for him, filming equipment in hand.
“Well, well, well, look who finally decided to show up,” Nick rolled his eyes fondly.
“There you are, kid, we’ve been waiting for ages,” Chris groaned dramatically.
Matt made his way closer towards them, eyebrows raised in confusion. “Waiting for what?”
Chris laughed happily, shaking slightly due to his excitement. “Come on Matty, we’re filming today, we’re finally reviewing our viewers’ sibling stories!”
Nick huffed out a small laugh. “How did you forget this one? We’ve been looking forward to it for ages.”
“Oh, right…,” Matt exhaled quietly. Tension setting in in his stomach at the realisation.
The two didn’t notice though, too caught up in their excitement.
Chris came to stand between Matt and Nick, flinging an arm around each of their shoulders, pulling them closer, in an awkward, one-armed hug, smiling so wide it almost hurt. “I am so, so excited for this one, I read a few already and some of these motherfuckers are craaazy, I can’t wait to talk about it!”
“Oh I bet they are,” Nick laughed, “and there’s this new feature I saw for editing that I can’t wait to try, you’ll have to tell me if you notice a difference though.”
They are both so happy…, Matt thought, feeling a small pang in his heart.
“Ohh yeah, for sure,” Chris agreed readily, then stepped forward and eagerly motioned for the two to follow him, “now comeee oonnn, move you slow ass slugs, let’s go, go, go!”
“Alright, relax, kid,” Nick laughed and moved to follow Chris towards the car, “the job’s not going anywhere, we’ve got all the time in the world.”
The two lead the way, exiting their home and practically skipping towards their car, eager to start filming.
Matt felt his heart clench, there was a lump in his throat and he had to turn his head up and carefully blink away tears.
He knew there and then that he would never be able to tell them the truth, whatever little hope he had left was now erased.
This was Nick and Chris’ dream, what they really, truly wanted to do in life, what he’d agreed to do as well.
His choices affected everyone. He couldn’t betray them like that and take this away from them. He would just have to swallow that lump in his throat, breathe through his constricting chest and ignore the screaming in his head.
He would sacrifice his chance at happiness, for his brothers to live out their dreams.
A ‘one for all’ type of thing, and all that.
Matt couldn’t say anything, it was already too late. He had made his choice long ago, now he had to live with it.
Matt couldn’t say anything, so he wouldn’t.
So he just sighed, steeled himself and slowly followed after them, mentally preparing himself to go through the motions.
Matt would continue lying and pretending for his brothers’ sake.
Even if his depression eventually got the best of him.