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The triplets decided to go on a vacation to the mountains, to get away from it all for a while and just enjoy the healing effects of nature and each other’s company. They also brought their old ice-skates with them, knowing there’s a small-ish lake close-by that would be completely frozen over this time of year.
So now Nick stood on the edge of the frozen lake, his breath visible in the cold mountain air. He watched Matt and Chris lace up their skates, their laughter mingling with the sound of the wind through the trees. "Nick, hurry up you slowpoke!" Chris called out, his voice echoing across the ice.
"I'm coming, hold on," Nick yelled back, pulling on his own skates. The ice felt rough under his feet, a noticeable difference between the one he was used to from his hockey days. He took a deep breath and pushed off, joining his brothers in a clumsy sway across the lake.
He came just in time to catch the end of their conversation, as Matt groaned. “I knew it would be harder without a hockey stick for balance, but damn.”
"Whoa!" Chris exclaimed, almost losing his balance. "Yeah dude, and I’m out of practice as fuuck."
Nick chuckled, trying to keep his own balance. "Just don't fall on your face, that's all I ask. I do not feel like carrying anyone back."
The three of them skated around, sometimes gracefully, sometimes teetering on the edge of disaster, their laughter filling the air. "Hey, check this out!" Chris shouted, trying a spin and ending up on his back with a thud.
Matt rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Of course you’d do that.”
"Bravo, Chris, real graceful," Nick teased sarcastically, but still offered a hand to help Chris up.
Chris stuck his tongue out at them, taking Nick’s hand and letting himself be pulled up. “At least I know how to have fun, watching you ‘skate’ makes me wanna fall asleep.”
Before either of them could respond, a sudden rustling sound coming from the woods caught their attention. “What the-,” Nick started, but was cut off as a herd of deer burst from the forest, sprinting across the lake. There were at least a dozen of them, running barely twenty feet away from the three, making a mad dash over the lake, trying to get to the other side of the forest.
The brothers froze in place, eyes wide with surprise and a hint of fear, remaining completely still as they watched the herd passed them by. "Holy shit!" Chris breathed out as the deer passed by them, their hooves clattering on the ice.
"That was insane," Matt said, once the deer had disappeared into the woods on the other side and they started to relax.
"Yeah, that was actually crazy, I’ve never seen a deer from this close before," Nick agreed, still a little shaken.
“Um, no, yes we have? In the zoo when we-,” Chris started countering, finally turning from where he watched the deer disappear to, but was quickly cut off by Nick, “In the wild, Einstein. We have never seen fucking wild deer this close before.”
“That’s true,” Matt confirmed, “at least Chris got to see his favourite animal in action.”
Chris chuckled and relaxed a bit more at that. “Facts,” he smiled and nodded, “it was a bit freaky though, motherfuckers almost ran us over.”
“No shit,” Nick exhaled, still tense, “let’s head back now, I’m honestly over this.”
Matt and Chris agreed, so they all started making their way back to shore, Nick trailing a bit behind, since he was trying to remain slow and cautious. He looked up from his feet, quietly checking up on how his brothers were faring, when a sudden, chilling crack! from below pulled his attention back to the ice. "Guys, wait!" he yelled, voice laced with panic.
Matt and Chris turned, their expressions turning to horror as they took in the image of Nick, standing completely still, his terrified expression trained on the ice under him, and their minds making the connection as to what was happening. “Nick!” Matt yelled, panic flooding him.
"Nick, don't move!" Chris shouted with barely concealed fear.
"I'm trying," Nick replied, voice shaking. He could see the ice fracturing around him, the little cracks growing larger and spreading like spiderwebs.
"You gotta move away from the cracks before they spread too much," Matt instructed, his voice was trembling, and he had to concentrate to the fullest to keep himself from spiralling. They couldn’t afford him breaking down right now.
“Gee, thanks, and here I was planning on jumping on them, no sense of dragging this out and prolonging my literal impending death!” Nick hissed aggressively, though they all knew it was just the fear talking.
Nick began to inch away, but another loud crack echoed across the lake, sending a jolt of burning fear through all three of them.
“Nick stop! The deer must have jostled the ice too much, don’t make another-,” Chris started shouting, eyes wide with fear, instinctively reaching an arm out towards his brother, when suddenly, without another warning…
… the ice gave way beneath him, plunging Nick into the freezing water, the shock of the cold stealing his breath away. "Nick!", “Niiiick!”
Nick felt the ground disappear beneath him, the cold assaulting him like a million tiny needles stabbing him all over, he heard two distraught voices and their agonised screams, but there was no time to process any of it, the cold water stopped burning and the voices faded as darkness enveloped him. His mind was encompassed with fear and regret, his last conscious thought a desperate hope that his brothers would be safe.
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Nick's consciousness returned to him slowly – he had to fight against the waves of sleepiness that threatened to pull him under again and slowly blink himself into awareness. He registered a dull ache throbbing in his head as he tried to piece together his surroundings. He was in a hospital room, alone, that much was obvious. But as he tried to think back on what happened, Nick drew a blank. What even-…, his heartrate started rising and he was suddenly much more awake, since he noticed that he didn’t remember almost anything else, he couldn’t even think back on the ‘last thing’ he remembered.. What’s going on? Why am I in a hospital?
He looked around and noticed a phone on the nightstand next to the bed, so he reached for it, pushing through the dull pain and aching muscles. He tapped on the screen and was met with an unfamiliar lock-screen—a little dog he couldn't recall ever seeing. Is this my dog?
Whatthefuck, what the fuuuck, why can’t I remember anything? His panic started growing with each passing second. The room felt both familiar and foreign, a contradiction that unsettled him deeply. He knew that this was a hospital, but not how he got here. He could assume he got hurt somehow, but not in which state he was. He knew it was the year 2024, but not where or with who he lived. He could think clearly, knew who the president was, that he was twenty years old, how phones work,… but he couldn’t even remember if he had a family.
His breathing became erratic as he tried desperately to force out any memories, but all that came was a sharp pain in his head and a heart-wrenching sense of loss. What- what is going on? Why can’t I remember anything? Without my memories I’m… I’m nothing. I don’t even know who I am, how am I supposed to deal with anything like this? I want to remember, how can I remember? The heart monitor next to his bed started beeping frantically, mirroring the chaos in his mind.
Suddenly, the door burst open, and a nurse rushed in, her eyes widening in alarm as she saw him awake. "You're awake! This is great new, but sir, please try to stay calm," she said, her voice masked in a forced calm.
But Nick's panic only intensified, “I-I don’t-,” his chest was heaving as he struggled to breathe. The nurse's words were a distant echo as his vision blurred, and he felt a cold sweat break out across his forehead. “W-what is… h-help me, I can’t-“, he barely registered more people rushing in the room, and the following prick of the needle, before darkness claimed him again.
When he awoke for the second time, a sense of dread still clung to him, but his mind was clearer, calmer. By stroke of luck, a nurse was already in the room with him, changing fluids by his side, her expression shifting from relaxed to one of surprise when she noticed him staring at her.
“Oh! I didn’t notice you waking up,” she said with a small smile, “I’ll go call the doctor for you, I’m sure you have lots of questions!”
Nick was too tired to verbally respond, so he just nodded slightly and watched her rush off.
The doctor, a short woman in her fifties, arrived a few minutes later, her demeanour calm and soothing. Her voice was gentle, a comfort as she checked his vitals.
“Hi there, I’m doctor Martin, I’ve been the one looking after you. Can you tell me your name?”
“Nick… My name’s Nicolas Sturniolo.” He answered automatically, it seemed that not all memory of himself was lost.
Dr. Martin smiled softly. “Nice to formally meet you Nicolas. I have to check you over and ask a few questions, to see how you’re healing. Is that okay?”
Nick couldn’t say exactly why, but his eyes filled with tears. He nodded anyway, and proceeded to follow the doctors directions and answered her questions the best he could. It was quickly apparent that they were dealing with some form of memory loss.
“What happened? Why can’t I remember anything?” Nick asked worriedly, voice shaking.
"You've been in an accident," dr. Martin explained softly. "You were in a coma for almost a month. It's normal to feel disoriented."
Nick's heart sank with each word. "I don't remember anything... not even my own life," he complained, a lump forming in his throat.
The doctor gave him a sympathetic look. "It's not uncommon after what you've been through.”
“Will I get them back?” Nick asked hopefully, fearing the answer but needing to know.
She sighed, then explained, choosing her words carefully. “Head trauma is extremely complex, it’s impossible to accurately predict how recovery will go. It varies from patient to patient; some get their memories back all at once, some get them over time, little by little. For some, they never return. I’m afraid we just won’t know until it happens, but there is always hope. You will be slowly exposed to more and more facts about your life, but it’s important not to overwhelm yourself. For now, just focus on healing."
He nodded, a mix of fear and hope battling within him. "Do you know if I… have someone important in my life? Any friends or family?" Again, he was nervous to find out, but also eager to know.
The doctor looked at him warmly at that. "’Important’ might be putting it lightly in your case… You have loving parents, an older brother, and two, very devoted and adoring brothers, who you also live with.”
At the mention of his brothers, a flicker of excitement and curiosity sparked in Nick, his eyes alight with a newfound hope. “I live with my brothers? So we’re close?”
She chuckled. “I think you should ask them that. All I can say is, they’ve been here every day during visiting hours, start to finish. I swear they could both graduate nursing school with the amount of research they did on your injuries, the nurses even nicknamed them ‘head nurse’ and ‘the director’, since they questioned their every move around you.” She finished and shook her head fondly.
Warmth bloomed in Nick’s chest, along with love so familiar, yet no faces to connect it to. "Can I see them?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Of course," dr. Martin replied, her smile reassuring. "I'll call and let them know you're awake."
Nick let out a big exhale, positively giddy at the prospect of meeting his brothers, especially after hearing how much they apparently cared for him. He still felt a sense of loss and was worried about his future and lack of memories, but at least he won’t be alone to deal with the mess of it.
“Oh, one more thing, a word of advice, if you will,” she paused by the door, Nick looking back up to meet her gaze, “I know you’re going through a lot, I can’t begin to imagine how scary this must be for you…,” she hesitated for a bit, trying to find the right words, “and going forward, you’ll undoubtedly have your brothers’ full support. Just try to remember that they’re dealing with their own issues and trauma as well… these past couple of weeks, the accident,… it hasn’t been easy on them. I’d keep that in mind, when times inevitably get tough.”
As she left the room, Nick was left momentarily stunned, speechless and pondering her words. Their trauma? I guess that makes sense yeah, they were the ones who had to go through almost losing a brother…
So Nick laid back, a whirlwind of emotions swirling inside him. Fear, confusion, excitement and a budding sense of anticipation filled him as he awaited the arrival of the brothers he couldn't remember. What if I don’t even feel anything when I see them? I want to remember them…
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Nick disregarded that last thought the second his eyes landed on the two identical, but still distinct young men, who Nick recognised, without a shadow of a doubt, as his brothers. He may not remember them, but he felt it. He instantly knew he loved these two individuals more than he could ever love anything else.
The two burst in the room, freezing by the door as they locked eyes, a thousand unspoken conversations passing between them in an instant, a deep connection and understanding one could not understand unless they’ve felt it themselves.
“Nick…,” Chris sighed, appearing out of breath, as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.
"Nick, oh my god," Matt choked out, eyes brimming with unshed tears.
Nick straightened up, pushing himself upwards with his arms, watching as the two closed the short distance between them.
They both reached out to grab him, desperate to touch and feel him alive. Nick allowed them both to hug him, even hugged back, but he felt a bit awkward and too nervous to be able to enjoy it – do they know I don’t remember them?
They eventually pulled back, but held onto his arms and hands.
Matt was looking him over, trying to find any signs of discomfort. "Nick, oh fuck, you’re really awake. Are you okay? Does anything hurt?"
Chris was by his other side, clutching Nick's hand. "Holy shit, Nick, oh my god,” Chris was struggling to speak, too overcome by emotions, “I love you so much, kid, you have no idea, I love you more than life, I need you to know that… I thought… when I watched you fall, my world ended, bro, I thought it was over… I’m so glad you’re okay, you can’t even imagine, I couldn’t have done this without you…”
His voice broke as he spoke, and by the end Chris was crying freely, barely getting his words out between sobs.
Nick’s heart clutched at the sight. Though, before he could say or do anything, Matt continued. “You scared us so bad, Nick, we were so scared. We love you so much, I love you with every fibre of my being. Please, never, ever do something like that again, my heart can’t take it, I need both of you with me to function."
Nick's throat tightened, and he felt overwhelmed. "I... I can't remember," he stammered, his voice breaking. They obviously loved him so much, they were breaking in front of him, but despite feeling the same, Nick didn’t know them, he felt like he was lying to them, betraying them, even.
Chris squeezed his hand reassuringly. "We know honey, we know. Dr. Martin told us everything.”
“You know? And you still…,” Nick left the sentence hang in the air, in slight disbelief.
“Shhh, it’s okay bud, don’t worry about that right now. We’re just beyond grateful that you’re alive and well, everything else comes second to that,” Matt reassured.
Nick looked between them with wide, hopeful eyes, and they could clearly see his tears beginning to build up.
“We're here, now and always, we'll help you remember. We'll do whatever it takes, I promise.” Matt said gently, but seriously.
Nick sniffled, looking down, unable to meet their gaze, voice small and unsure. "But what if my memories never come back?"
Chris brushed a tear from Nick's cheek, his own still running freely. "Then we'll make new memories together. As long as you’re okay, nothing else matters.”
The dam broke, Nick’s emotions spilling over. He pulled them both in for another hug, holding onto them tightly, as they cried their hearts out.
Despite his amnesia, Nick felt an indescribable love for Matt and Chris. Memories or no, this love was something that could never be taken away from them.
"Even though I can't remember," Nick whispered, "I know you both. I feel it. I love you both so much. I couldn’t do this without you either."
Matt and Chris cried again, holding Nick closer. In that moment, the weight of the past weeks seemed to lift slightly, replaced by a renewed sense of hope and love.
"I know you Nick, so I know this situation is scary as fuck, not knowing what’s going on, feeling like you don’t have things under control terrifies you," Chris said, his voice firm yet gentle, “but we won’t let you go through this alone. We’ll tell you everything you need to know, we’ll tell you everything and about everyone, nothing’s gonna catch you off-guard, not with us around.”
"Yeah," Matt added, "you’re lucky we know you so well, we’ll answer questions you didn’t even know you had."
Nick nodded, smiling softly, feeling a sense of peace despite the uncertainty. Chris hit the nail on the head with his last remark, and while that might be scary in and of itself, it just proved their point all the more.
While Nick longed to be in control, always needed all the facts, making his own conclusions and assessments on how to react in any given situation… he’d be fine trusting his brothers and their judgement. They knew him best, after all.
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The weeks that followed were intense, to say the least.
Waking up each day in a familiar yet unknown world, Nick felt like he was living in a strange dream. The house he supposedly called home was a maze of memories he couldn’t grasp. He felt a sick sense of déjà vu every time he entered a room or got ‘re-introduced’ to someone he apparently already knew, and it was messing with his head.
Eventually, it drove him to a small break down, where he locked himself in the bathroom, cried hysterically and pulled at his hair, feeling like he was losing control of his body. Matt and Chris were equally panicked, not knowing what to do, no matter how much they begged and pleaded, they couldn’t get Nick to open the door. Left with no other options, Chris took a chair and used it to break down the door, which only made Nick more terrified.
It took a long time to calm him down, and when he finally did, Nick was so exhausted he slept for almost ten hours.
They had a serious talk afterwards, and they agreed they may have been too eager to get Nick ‘up to speed’, needlessly overwhelming him and halting his progress. So they reassessed their situation and made a plan to take it more slowly.
They began from the start, with the basics – explaining their YouTube career, the friends they cherished, and the people they kept at arm's length. Each explanation was another piece of a puzzle, slowly forming a picture of a life Nick couldn’t remember living.
As days turned into weeks, they delved deeper, bringing out old photos and videos. “This is from our trip to the Grand Canyon,” Matt would say, pointing at a picture, his voice tinged with nostalgia. “Aww, this is a good one, we were so cute here,” Chris cued, happily showing Nick another childhood photograph. Nick would listen, captivated, yet inside, a storm of sadness and frustration brewed. He wanted nothing more than to remember, but with each piece of information he had learnt, he only felt more and more like a stranger in his own body.
An additional struggle emerged at nights. Nightmares started to plague Nick, abstract and chilling, leaving him gasping for air. One night, the intensity of a dream jolted him awake, his heart racing, a sensation of icy coldness clinging to his skin. He sat up, trying to steady his breathing, the memory of his dream fading but leaving behind a profound sense of dread.
Chris was next to him, his face etched with worry. “Nick, hey, it’s okay, you’re safe, you’re okay,” he soothed, sitting beside him on the bed, rubbing his back.
But Nick was far from okay. He honestly thought he’d get his memories back by now, at least some of them, or even start ‘instinctively’ acting like himself, falling back into his mannerisms. But it didn’t work like that. Although he still made jokes, was sarcastic and complained a lot, that wasn’t all Nick was. He lost his confidence, second-guessing every step he took, always wondering what the ‘old Nick’ would’ve done.
When they watched old videos, Nick felt like he was watching someone else’s life through a window. He watched himself talk, laugh, yell, move around, … but he didn’t recognise himself. It didn’t feel real. And he didn’t know what to do about it.
One night, Nick was waiting outside in the parking lot, leaning against their car, scrolling aimlessly on his phone, while he waited for his brothers to finish up inside the store. It was just a few minutes until closing time, and there weren’t many people around, so he knew they wouldn’t be long.
Out of the corner of his eye, Nick noticed a figure moving around and looked up to see a relatively handsome guy, probably in his early twenties, approaching him with an angry expression. “Well if it isn’t mr. Hotshot himself, think you look mighty fine don’t ya? You useless fuck,” he sneered.
“Um, excuse you, literally watch your fucking mouth. I’m here minding my own business and you try disturbing my day by insulting me? Don’t you have anything better to do? Seems like the useless fuck between us is you,” Nick was honestly a bit caught off guard, but recovered quickly enough to fire back.
The guys eyebrows shot far back in surprise, looking completely shocked at Nick’s response. The surprise quickly turned to anger though, and he took another step forward as he growled his next insults. “Ooh, what’s with the attitude there, Nicky? What, you think you’re some kind of tough guy now? Pretending to be all brave and strong, a little bitch is what you are! Trying so hard to be confident, not so easy now that I got you alone eh? No little bitchy brothers to hide behind.”
Nick’s expression shifted from annoyed to genuinely angry, he was done with this guy’s shit. “Listen here you sad excuse of human fucking garbage, I don’t know who you are or what your fucking problem is, but back the fuck off right now, it’s not my fault I’m the most interesting part of your pathetic, worthless existence, so stop making it my problem and kindly remove yourself from my face and crawl back to the sewage drain you oh so obviously escaped from!”
Something in the guys expression shifted at that, it was like something in his mind snapped. He practically growled and lunged himself at Nick, tackling them both to the ground.
Nick kind of saw it coming, but wasn’t able to react fast enough to side-step him. He did manage to cover his face with his arms though, protecting himself from the punches the guy started throwing as he pulled himself up.
“You. Mother. Fucking. Usele-,” he started spitting in-between hits, but Nick wasn’t going to just lay there and take it, he caught the guy’s arm mid-hit and yanked it to the side, throwing him off of him. Nick didn’t waste any time and followed up, going to pin the guy down with his knee, while delivering punch after punch to the fuckers flabbergasted face.
“Niiick!”, “Nick, oh my god!”, Chris and Matt started screaming from the distance, having witnessed the last few movements as they exited the store.
Nick paused and looked up, seeing his brothers running up to him. He was breathing heavily, filled with adrenaline from his brief, but shocking fight. He (a bit) reluctantly stepped away from the guy, who was now holding his head and groaning on the ground.
“What the fuck is going on?!” Chris shouted as they got closer.
“Nick, fuck, what happened, are you okay?” Matt asked, eyes already scanning him for any signs of injuries.
“This fucker just straight up came out of nowhere and attacked me, I don’t know what his problem is, but I wasn’t gonna-“, Nick started explaining, but noticed how his brothers’ expressions turned absolutely murderous when they saw the guy from up close.
“You…,” Matt growled, eyes narrowed in anger as he glared daggers at the guy on the ground.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?!” Chris seethed, shaking in anger.
What the-, do we know him? Nick thought, watching in confusion.
When the guy didn’t answer, Chris walked up and leaned over him, grabbing him by the front of his shirt with both hands, pulling him up just a bit, to stare directly into his eyes. “If I ever, ever, catch you near my brother again, your nose won’t be the only thing that ends up broken, you disgusting waste of space.” He glared at him until the guy nodded pathetically, indicating he understood. Then Chris let go, letting him fall back to the ground with a small thud.
As Chris stepped away, Matt took his place, crouching down next to the guy, expression blank, though his eyes shined with barely restrained insanity. The guy could barely meet his eyes, shaking both from pain and fear. For a moment that seemed to stretch forever, Matt just held his gaze. Nobody spoke.
Nick was confused and more than a little frightened by now, but felt the thick tension in the air and had enough sense to know this wasn’t the time to ask, so he bit his tongue and waited.
“As long as you get it,” Matt muttered lowly, stood up, glaring at the guy all the while. He then spit on him, before the three of them turned around to leave.
“Let’s go,” Matt said roughly as he passed Nick, going straight towards their car a few feet away.
Nick felt an arm drape over his back, and Chris was gently, but firmly, guiding him away from the scene and to the car, getting in the back after him.
“Show me your hand,” Chris instructed, taking Nick’s hand in his and inspecting his bruised knuckles.
They drove in silence for a while, their expression and posture tense, before Nick couldn’t take it anymore. “Okay seriously, what was up back there? We obviously know the guy, I just can’t imagine what could’ve led to this whole fucked up situation!”
“Nick.” Matt’s tone was serious, as if warning him to leave it alone.
“Don’t ‘Nick’ me, it concerns me too, I have a right to know!” Nick argued, feeling helpless and hating his amnesia even more than before.
Chris, knowing he wouldn’t let it go, just sighed and explained. “The asshole’s name is Alex. He’s your ex.”
Nick reeled his head back, blinking a few times in surprise. Of all things he’d been expecting, this wasn’t one of them. “What?! I was with that piece of shit?! Willingly? Did I use to do drugs or have been hit on the head before?!”
“That would’ve made more sense, actually. The guy’s a douche, always has been. Never knew what you saw in him,” Matt huffed from the front, tightening his hold on the steering wheel.
“Ugh, ew, I feel…icky just thinking about him touching me,” Nick made a disgusted expression, hating the images his mind came up with.
“Yeah well, you’re not the only one,” Chris spit out angrily, “we’ve hated him since the beginning, but looked passed it for your sake.”
“Why or how was I with him then? And how did it end for it to turn out like that?” Nick asked, implying to the recent confrontation.
Chris sighed again. “He was fun at first, I guess. Knew a lot about the ‘ins and outs’ of LA, always came up with spontaneous ideas, made you go out of your comfort zone just enough for you to like it,” he looked away, unable to look him in the eyes, “he showed his true colours soon enough though. He started manipulating you, guilt tripping you to spend more time away from us, to do things you wouldn’t normally. When you stood up to him, he hit you, and when you wanted to break up with him…” Chris had to take a big breath, “he revealed that he took some…indecent photos of you when you weren’t aware, so he blackmailed you into staying with him… we had no idea this was going on until Matt happened to see the bruises over your body on accident.”
Nick was stunned, left speechless. That happened to me? What the fuck?? How did I let it come to this, I’d never just accept that situation, what am I missing?
“Wh- what happened then?” Nick was almost too afraid to ask.
Matt took over, giving Chris a break from explaining. “I confronted you, didn’t let the issue drop until you broke down and told me. I filled in Chris and we took care of it… we knew we couldn’t risk the photos getting out, so we had to resort to some… less than ideal options to get his password and phone. Once we deleted everything and made sure there were no copies… we got him back, for every time he laid his hands on you.”
Nick leaned back in his seat, closing his eyes. This sounds too complicated, he thought, it still doesn’t explain everything, why did I let it go that far, it doesn’t feel like something I’d do… Who even am I?!
The rest of the car ride was filled with tense silence, each triplet lost in their own thoughts.
Maybe I don’t want my memories back…
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It all came to a head one random Wednesday evening, a two weeks after the incident in the parking lot.
Nick was still struggling, his identity crisis was getting worse, his doubt and confusion growing with each piece of information he learnt about himself. He watched videos, analysing his every move and listened to the stories other people gave him, but it all just drove the point home – that he was an impostor. He didn’t understand or feel like the ‘Nick’ everyone was describing, it was as if he was in someone else’s body, living someone else’s life.
Every time he thought he enjoyed something, even something as simple as a song or a movie, he started doubting whether he really liked it, or was it just his subconscious/others trying to convince him of that, because the ‘old Nick’ had.
That was another thing, in his mind, Nick had started to refer to himself as two different people, the ‘old’ and the ‘current’ Nick. It sounded completely insane, even to himself, so he never brought any of this up to anyone else.
But the truth was, he didn’t feel like the ‘old’ Nick, and he didn’t know what the ‘current’ him was like.
He was slowly reaching another breaking point, constantly feeling like two different people, but knowing neither of them.
His friends and family knew that there was something wrong, but didn’t know how or if to bring it up; maybe he just needed more time to adjust, maybe he was frustrated about not having his memories, maybe that’s just how he was like now.
Then, as fate would have it, that random Wednesday evening, Nick returned home early from his daily walk. He entered their house and went upstairs to shower, but heard voices coming from Chris’s room down the hall. He went there, intending to say ‘hi’ and inform his brothers that he was back, but what he heard made him stop in his tracks.
“I miss him, ya know? Am I a bad person for wishing he’d be here instead?” That’s Matt’s voice.
“No, kid, you’re not. I miss him too.” And that’s Chris…
“I just wish there was something more we could do…”
“Trust me, I know… but there’s literally nothing left to say, he’s happy like that, and I guess that’ll have to be good enough for us.”
“Yeah… it’s just a lot to get used to…”
A single tear made its way down Nick’s cheek. He turned around and quietly walked away, not wanting to hear any more.
Though it’s a shame he didn’t stay to hear the full conversation, if he did, he’d have known that the person his brothers were talking about was their older brother Justin, who had just recently informed them of his plans of continuing his studies abroad, of moving to another country to pursue his own dreams.
As it were, Nick only confirmed to himself that he really was too different now, he really was someone else, an impostor, a fake. Even his brothers, the two people who knew him best, had agreed.
So he made a plan that night, swallowing down his pain, doubt, fears,… and he packed a bag, went to sleep early, woke up at the crack of dawn, hours before either of his brothers would wake up, and left their home unnoticed.
When Chris went to check on him some hours later, his heart broke, unable to grasp the reality of what happened. It felt like he was doused with a lake’s worth of ice-cold water.
Matt rushed in after he heard his hysteric screams, but was quick to join Chris in his pain.
There was a letter left behind for them to find, it wasn’t much, but it was all they had left from their brother, who was now officially missing.
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To Matt and Chris,
Sorry to say this, but by the time you read this, I’ll already be too far away to catch up to. You won’t find me, trust me, so do yourselves a favour and don’t waste your time trying.
I’m sorry I left like this, I really am, but I feel like this is something I have to do.
It’s hard to explain, but I haven’t felt like myself in a long while. I feel like two different people, though I don’t know either of them. I’m not the Nick you knew, I never could be, and I know it’s been killing you as well – you’re allowed to miss your brother. But this situation isn’t fair to any one of us, you can’t mourn freely, you have to watch a stranger wear your brother’s face, and I can’t figure out who I am with his ghost constantly looming over my shoulder.
I don’t know the person I am now, but decided to do the right thing and find out for myself. When I get that answer, if you’ll still want me, I’ll come back to try and be your brother again.
Take care,
Nick