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Take my face, and desecrate (and take my hands, they'll understand)

Summary:

Life has always been shitty, at least more than not, but the last thing Cale expected was for it to be kind enough to free him from his curse... as much as it could.

Or, Cale is finally able to touch his body with his own two hands without panicking for the first time in years.

Notes:

Title from "Body" by Mother Mother!

Also there's the rest of the lyrics bc it's just summarize the fic so well:

Take my eyes, take them aside
Take my face, and desecrate
My arms and legs, they get in the way
And take my hands, they'll understand
Take my heart, pull it apart
And take my brain, or what remains
And throw it all away

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

It must be something to do with the fact that the brain is a muscle, taking its shape and defining itself over years, there's no other reasonable explanation in his mind as to why he's not panicking and crying at the sensation of his (new) hands against the body he's now inhabiting.

(It must also be what's keeping him from feeling like that body doesn't belong to him.)

Whatever it is, Cale— no, Kim Rok Soo can't help but touch in the most delighted awe, a shiver running down his back as her fingers trace a line between a pair of freckles on his shoulder.

A part of him is still puzzled, after all this body is almost completely different from his original one, almost like a blank canvas, with no major blemishes or scars or any sign of previous injuries. The latter is not entirely a surprise, the original Cale had not yet crossed paths with Choi Han or had been beaten to a pulp by him.

A part of him feels strange to be touching a body, even though it is he who is inhabiting it, but he is really unable to stop himself. He avoids many places though, he doesn't want to push his own luck and end up triggering a nasty reaction, nor does he want to ruin the fantastic of the moment.

He can't even remember the last time he clasped his cold hands together without starting to hyperventilate after he lost his concentration for a couple of seconds and his brain stopped recognizing his limbs as a part of him.

It must all be over in a moment, of course, and Kim Rok Soo knows that, which doesn't stop him from almost whimpering when he hears Ron knocking on the bathroom door.

Notes:

Ok so, I wrote this basing it on my experience as a SA survivor (that's what the "avoiding touching certain parts" is referring too) but then I realized that it could work really well for the abuse on the canon and the experience I got with dissociation

I'm okay now guys, it's been a long time since all of this. If you relate with this, hope you're okay and safe too!

Is a hopeful kind of fic btw, being able to touch myself (and I mean as in all sort of touch, like just putting clothes on and accidentally brushing my hands on my skin) without feeling sick was the biggest sign of healing I got!

I have tumblr, retrospring, and a carrd

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