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Eddie should’ve known that he would be the one to break down first. It was only a matter of time before all the progress he had made with his panic attacks slipped through his fingers.
It was a typical, if not somewhat infrequent, call. A child had been swimming past the buoys and gotten pulled under by the current, neither the parents nor the lifeguards able to retrieve him safely. Naturally, it was Buck who was tasked with the rescue. After the tsunami, he had taken it upon himself to get the official certification for water rescues, as if he wasn’t already experienced enough with them.
The tsunami was years ago now, but that did nothing to quell Eddie’s panic when Buck dove under the waves to go after the kid while he watched helplessly from the shore, waiting until they got back on dry land to help.
He couldn’t lose Buck. Not again. Not after everything they had gotten through with the lightning strike and Eddie’s breakdown and the shooting and Buck’s stupid parents and the tsunami. Fuck, the tsunami. Buck was probably terrified down there, screaming and swallowing water himself.
No, no—
“Diaz!”
Shit. No one ever called him Diaz unless they had tried getting his attention several times. He looked around, noticing that Bobby and Chim were already unloading the child from the back of the rescue vehicle while Buck removed his gear. Eddie rushed over to help, laying the kid out on the sand and checking his vitals—which were nowhere to be found.
Hen and Chimney had to do CPR for over 20 minutes before they finally got him back for good. Eddie watched on in a daze. Surprisingly not thinking of Christopher, who he knew was safe at school, but of Buck, trapped under waves, gasping for air, failing to get it.
They loaded the kid into the ambulance as soon as he was stable, and Eddie rode in the back with Hen in case he coded again while Buck and Bobby followed in the truck. The second the kid was safely through the hospital doors, Eddie broke.
He rushed to hide behind the ambulance, the world around him swimming unnaturally. His chest was spasming and he couldn’t figure out why. He was breathing. He knew he wasn’t dying. No tightness, no pain, just spasms.
He wasn’t panicking again. It had happened a few more times since the whole Ana debacle, often enough that he had finally told Buck how to help him when he was having an attack. But this wasn’t that. He could still breathe. Right? He tried heaving in breaths, then tried breathing slowly. He felt like he was doing it, so why was his head so fuzzy?
Was this what Buck felt like when he was drowning?
“Eds? Eddie, what’s wrong?”
Eddie heard Buck but he couldn’t breathe or think well enough to respond with much. “W-water,” he stuttered, holding a hand to his chest and trying to breathe like the cardiologist and Frank and their stupid pamphlets said. Why couldn’t he breathe? Was he really crying that hard? He squeezed his eyes shut, only gaining the tiniest bit of calm from the action, and ignoring the wetness that was already dripping off his chin.
“Eddie, it’s okay. Just breathe. In and out. Can you open your eyes for me?”
The brunette shook his head vehemently—the darkness of his closed eyes was the only thing keeping him from losing control completely. His head was so foggy.
“Okay, that’s okay. What are four things you feel?”
“C-can’t—”
“You don’t have to say it. Just think of them, okay? Four things you feel.”
Eddie tried to nod. He didn’t know if he was successful, but he tried to think of four things. He could do that. He could feel his uniform, rough under his fingertips where he was still clutching his chest. The heat of the sun beating on his skin. The sole of his boots when he curled his toes, slightly damp and sandy. Buck’s hand firm on his shoulder, perhaps the most comforting of them all.
He must’ve given some indication that he was done, because Buck moved on to the next item.
“Good, Eddie. Now, three things you can hear.”
His own breathing. The clamor of the ER behind them. God, they were still right there in front of everybody. Buck’s soothing voice, spewing unintelligible praise while Eddie was thinking.
“Two things you can smell.”
Buck. The faint whiff of his sweat and his Old Spice deodorant that Eddie made fun of but secretly loved. And… flowers? Maybe it was just grass.
“One thing you can taste.”
What the fuck? Eddie knew that was what came next but how was he supposed to taste anything? He hadn’t eaten in hours. He didn’t know, his mouth?
It was only when Buck chuckled that Eddie realized he spoke aloud, and he hadn’t even noticed when the panic stopped but he could suddenly breathe again and his tears had stopped.
“Yeah, that one’s always hard isn’t it? You feelin’ better?”
Eddie nodded, this time sure it was actually the right movement, but still didn’t feel like speaking much.
“He’s okay, Eds. Christopher’s okay. We saved this kid, just like we’ve kept Chris safe, alright? They’re both okay.”
What? Buck must have misunderstood.
“C-Chris?”
“Yeah, Eddie. He’s okay. We’re not back there. There’s no tsunami, no more water. He’s fine.”
Eddie shook his head again. He knew Christopher was fine. Christopher was at school, safe, not jumping into the ocean and getting dragged under the current before—no, he needed to stop. He was just panicking again. “You- you…”
“What, Eds?” Buck prodded, ever patient.
“You were in the water.”
Understanding dawned on his face, and Eddie was disappointed to also see surprise. He thought he was getting better at letting Buck know how important he was. How much he worried about him. It was only a moment before Buck’s face softened.
“Yeah, yeah, I was. But I’m okay too, Eddie. I’m okay.”
Eddie knew that. He could see it right in front of him. He should know that. That didn’t stop him from reaching a hand out to cradle Buck’s face, feeling somewhat awkwardly over his facial features as if to check for injury. Not that his face would be injured if he drowned, but Eddie wasn’t exactly thinking logically right now.
“You’re okay?”
“Yes. I’m okay.”
Eddie’s careful exploration of Buck’s face and other exposed skin was halted when Buck gently grabbed his wrists, only to pull Eddie closer into his chest.
“I’m okay. I’m right here, Eds.”
It didn’t take much convincing for Buck to go home with him. Eddie had insisted he wanted to keep an eye on Buck—despite the fact that the rescue was completely by the book and he hadn’t inhaled any water. But after Eddie’s… panic attack in the hospital parking lot, Buck was equally as adamant about following to make sure he was okay.
Buck was relaxing on the couch as Eddie continued to flutter around the house, going between the living room and kitchen aimlessly, pretending to get things ready for Christopher’s school day tomorrow.
“Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t need anything? Blankets, tea. The water was cold,” he pushed.
“Eds, that was hours ago. I’m fine. Perfectly warm.”
“O-okay.”
Fuck, well maybe Buck was physically fine, but there was no way he could go through a rescue like that—so similar to the disaster he was stuck in years ago—and not feel at least a little off kilter. He had come so far and been through even worse since then, and now he was going to be thrown all the way back to the beginning of his recovery. It was okay. Eddie would be there for him this time. No matter how badly Buck’s trauma haunted him, Eddie wouldn’t leave. Not again.
“Are you okay?”
“Uh huh,” Eddie answered absentmindedly, putting Christopher’s lunchbox in his backpack for tomorrow. “I’m fine, Buck. You’re the one who got pulled under the water.”
“Uh huh. And you’re the one whose hands are shaking. And who just took out and put back Christopher’s empty lunchbox for the fourth time.”
Shit, really? Eddie pulled it back out, determined to actually make the lunch this time.
“Eddie, please,” Buck pleaded, standing from the couch and coming over to gently still Eddie’s hands with his own. “Just tell me what’s bothering you.”
The lunchbox was wrestled from Eddie until somehow he was just holding hands with Buck.
“I… I know you’re fine now, that the water didn’t hurt you, but I’m just—still so worried. You got dragged under and the tsunami and I don’t want your nightmares to come back, I know you’ve worked so hard to—”
“That’s what this is all about?” Buck asked. “You’re worried about this rescue bringing up bad memories for me?”
“I- I don’t know. I guess. Yeah.”
“Eddie,” the blonde replied, soft and sad. “I’m okay. I promise you. I got over that a long time ago. Sure, sometimes it still bothers me, but that rescue was fine. It did make me worry about Christopher a little, but I’m okay, Eds. I wasn’t… triggered. But I think maybe you were.”
Eddie scoffed, though the idea did make a little sense in his head. “I wasn’t even there.”
“You might not have been there during the tsunami, but you were still there, Eddie. You saw me and Christopher hurt, and- and I guess maybe you were more worried about me than I thought.”
“Yeah…” he trailed off. Of course Buck didn’t know how worried he was, because Eddie wasn’t even there to take care of him. He barely had any time to heal before the stupid lawsuit and Eddie couldn’t even talk to him and make sure he was okay, and then he had to fuck things up more by fighting with Buck in that grocery store, saying exactly what he knew would hurt Buck the most.
You’re exhausting.
“I’m so sorry, Buck. I wasn’t there for the tsunami, and I wasn’t even there after. I know I couldn’t talk to you for a while, but then I was the one who pushed you away. You were just doing what you needed to do, and I- I knew I hurt you and I’m sorry. You’re not exhausting. You’re never exhausting and you didn’t deserve to hear that. Especially from me.”
Buck looked a little taken aback, though Eddie could admit he was a little all over the place right now. He seemed to gather himself and spoke with more strength this time. “Eddie, I forgive you. That was years ago. Yeah, it- it hurt, but I know you didn’t mean it. You were hurting too, and I didn’t know about it either. I think we both needed to work on communication a little back then.”
“Understatement,” Eddie chuckled.
“But I’m okay now. I promise, Eds. I hardly think about the tsunami anymore. But if you— if you need to talk about it, we can. It’s okay for you to have trauma too.”
“Thanks,” he agreed faintly. “I think I’m… okay, now that I know you’re okay. But I might need a little reassurance sometimes.”
“Whatever you need,” Buck replied in the same hushed tone, sliding his hands from Eddie’s wrists up his arms to settle on his neck.
Their eyes met and as had happened countless times before, Eddie was ensnared in sparkling blue. He took one more tiny step forward.
“Evan, what are we doing?” the brunette whispered, standing close enough to hear the way Buck’s breath flowed in and out, stuttering but steady. Alive.
“I don’t- I don’t know, Eddie. What do you want us to be doing?” Buck was just as quiet and hadn’t moved a single step away. He gave no indication he was uncomfortable, in fact he seemed rather at peace in Eddie’s space, and yet fear licked at Eddie’s heart like flames.
“Buck…”
“Fine. Let me tell you what I want then. I want to be with you, Eddie.”
Eddie’s heart raced at the declaration, eyes glued to Buck’s, but he kept quiet and let the blonde continue.
“You’ve already given me so much and I can’t help feeling selfish, but I want more. I want all of you, if you’ll have me.”
“Buck, you— you’re already my partner in all the ways that matter. Of course— of course I want all of you. I’m just scared,” Eddie confessed. “I’ve already lost you so many times. If we… I can’t lose you like this too, if someday you decide you don’t want this anymore. Don’t want us.”
“You said it yourself, Eds. We’re partners in all the ways that matter,” Buck soothed, running his palm further up Eddie’s neck and thumbing across his jaw. “We’d just be adding one other little part. And I’d be lying if I said I haven’t wanted that since the moment I saw you.”
“Really?”
“Yes. You don’t need to be scared, Eddie. You’re it for me. You know I love you.”
“God, Buck,” Eddie cracked, after staring in shocked silence for several seconds. “I love you too. I love you so much.” He pitched forward, Buck’s hands falling to the side and making room for Eddie to fall into his arms.
When they finally kissed, it wasn’t necessarily groundbreaking. Like Buck said, this was only a small part they were adding to their relationship, but in some ways it still felt monumental.
Eddie had pictured this more than he’d like to admit, and though it had been easy to imagine Buck’s lips on his own, slightly rough from the dry heat of the city, he had never quite been able to envision all the little details…
Buck’s stubble against his own, such a different sensation from every kiss he had had before, creating a pleasant friction that was doing just as much to send shivers down his spine as the delicate hand on the back of his neck.
The soft hums Buck made with each new kiss, that theoretically should’ve been awkward, but that Eddie loved because he wanted every part of Buck.
It wasn’t like breathing fresh air—he had felt that relief the moment Buck walked into his life. Well, maybe a day after Buck walked into his life and stopped his manly posturing.
It wasn’t like breathing fresh air, but it was like knowing that he wouldn’t have to struggle for breath any longer, like knowing that Buck wouldn’t struggle alone. Knowing that they would both be okay, that they wouldn’t get swept under the current as long as they kept breathing together.