Chapter Text
When Shuichi signed his lease, he wasn't informed that there may or may not be a ghost residing in the property. He had checked the paperwork a few times and he was positive there wasn't anything about getting a free roommate with the house.
It's a bit ironic, really- the main reason he had moved out in the first place was so he could experience living on his own for the first time. After living with his Uncle, he spent a few years living with his best friends, and that was great and all but he thought maybe it would be time to have a place just for himself.
Now it had become a place for himself and a stranger who died an unknown length of time ago. He would be more alarmed if it weren't for the fact that the ghost didn't seem to want to cause him any harm, so instead he was just mildly exasperated.
The first time he noticed something was a couple of days after he moved in. He woke up to find his coat hung up neatly when he could have sworn that the previous night he had come home late and thrown it on the floor before going straight to bed. He didn't think much of it, thinking that his half-asleep self must have been tidier than he gave himself credit for.
The second time wasn't long after. He had his friends over for the night and after they left he passed out on the sofa surrounded by empty beer cans and takeout boxes. When he woke up, it was all gone.
Shuichi knew for a fact that he would have remembered clearing up all of that mess. Naturally, he began to panic. For a few hours, he was convinced that he had carbon monoxide poisoning because of a post he saw online once before he remembered the case he solved about carbon monoxide poisoning and realized that he had literally none of the symptoms.
He wasn't too sure what to make of it for a while. However, after a few months of having his messes mysteriously cleaned up for him overnight, he had come to the conclusion that the house was haunted. It was the only logical answer. He'd know, he was a detective, after all.
When he was confident that there was no other possibility, Shuichi told his best friends- and ex-roommates about it one night at their apartment.
"It's kinda crazy but also it isn't at the same time, you know? It's just like, oh neat, there's a ghost living here," He rambled as he leaned forward to pour himself more wine. Because when you're a detective, drinking wine is fancy and a job requirement. It was a stress thing. "It's a bit like having a maid, really."
"You know what you gotta do," Maki said, deadpan as she stroked the magenta hair of a curled-up partner. "You gotta fuck it."
Shuichi's face lit up. "That's a great idea," he said, entirely serious.
"Of course." At first, Maki didn't see the look on Shuichi's face because she was busy staring into her glass as she swirled the wine around. Then, she looked up and blinked her sharp red eyes twice. "Wait, what the fuck. I was joking. Do not fuck the ghost."
"I don't think it'd be very comfortable," Kaito chimed in from Maki's lap, "aren't they meant to be really cold? What if your dick gets frostbite? Or your ass? Wait-" he looked up to Maki and whispered, "is he a top or a bottom? I can't remember."
Shuichi frowned as his friends began to whisper conspiratorially about his sexual preferences. "Why are you asking her when I'm right here?"
Before answering, Kaito opened his mouth and stared at Maki expectantly, who huffed and poured some wine into it. It reminded Shuichi of a mother bird feeding her young but without the whole regurgitating thing... although he wouldn't put that past them. "More fun that way," he said after an unnecessarily loud gulp.
As ridiculous as the idea of having sex with his ghost roommate was, Shuichi thought it sounded promising, as a joke..of course. "I might as well try it, anyway. It'll be a fun story to tell my kids one day."
Maki set her glass on the table so she could put her face in her hand. "I'm torn between wanting you to achieve your whore dreams and wanting you to not try to seduce a fucking ghost. God, this is why we should've encouraged you in college."
"Alright, how about we weigh up the pros and cons?" Shuichi said, counting them on his fingers. "Pros. I get laid. It'll be fun and give me something to do outside of detective work. The sex might be really good. It'll be a cool story to tell. Cons...It's a bit weird. And it might not work."
"You might get kicked out of your house," Maki said. Shuichi put another finger up on the 'cons' hand.
"Guys, why are we putting so much thought into this? Ghosts aren't even real." Kaito said, feeling brave after recently *forcefully* getting over his lifelong fear.
"You might be haunted for the rest of your life," Maki said, although she was grinning as if it was not a big deal, which led Shuichi to believe, wrongly, that it would probably not be a big deal. He put another finger up.
Kaito sighed, being ignored, as he continued. "If the ghost rejects you, even if they don't kick you out it'd be really awkward. You could fall in love with the ghost and get your heart broken."
"Kaito-"
"The ghost could fall in love with you and-"
"Kaito I've got no more fingers left," Shuichi said sulkily, holding up his 'cons' hand with all five fingers up. The 'pros' hand still only having just four fingers up.
Kaito sighed. "The point is that it's really risky business. It's not like there's going to be a WikiHow article on how to do ghost sex." Maki got her phone out and started rapidly typing. Shuichi suspected she was checking to see if there was a WikiHow article on how to have ghost sex.
"I know what you mean, but for all I know it could be a sexy ghost. And I don't wanna live my life with someone who might be very sexy and not make a move on them- I mean, I already did that throughout college and high school."
Maki made a noise of disappointment, staring at her phone screen. "Unfortunately, the space loser was right. There isn't a WikiHow article on how to have ghost sex." She glances at Shuichi. "May I interest you in 'How To Stop Fearing Ghosts and Paranormal Phenomena'?"
"No, I think Kaito might be interested though."
For a second, Kaito didn't know how to respond. "Thanks, but I'm not scared of ghosts...anymore."
Maki nodded. "Yeah, I know. I made sure of it."
Kaito shuttered. "They could be a sexy ghost but they could also be an ugly ghost."
"Looks don't matter anyway," Shuichi said indignantly.
"It's like Schrödinger's ghost." Kaito looked very pleased with himself for comparing the ghost to Schrödinger's cat. "They're both sexy and unsexy like the cat is both alive and dead." He opened his mouth again. "Love..?"
"Get a glass, dumbass," Maki grumbled, as she got the wine bottle to pour some wine into Kaito's mouth anyway.
There's a little silence, and then his friends begin a conversation about something else. Shuichi joined in occasionally, luring them into a false sense of security by pretending that he'd stopped thinking about fucking the ghost when in actuality he was still thinking about fucking the ghost.
Like, yeah, it was the stupidest idea ever. But sometimes stupid ideas are the best ideas.
The ghost clearly didn't dislike Shuichi, or else they wouldn't be putting his stuff away. And maybe if they didn't dislike him, they could like him. And maybe if they like him, they could find him attractive. And maybe if they find him attractive, they could want to have sex with him.
'He'd made up his mind.
"Yeah, I'm gonna fuck the ghost," he said suddenly.
Kaito looked conflicted, but his facial expression eventually settled into acceptance. "If you must. You better give that ghost the best fuck of their life. Or their un-life? I dunno"
"Use protection," Maki said.
.
And that's how Shuichi found himself sitting cross-legged on his bed, staring blankly at a blank page from a notepad. He had decided, after some deliberation, that writing a note would be the best method of communication. Deciding to write a note was the easy part; deciding what to actually write was the not easy part.
How exactly does one ask a ghost if they'd like to have sexual relations with them? As Kaito said, there weren't many online resources that could be used to help.
Now that he was actually acting on his plan, Shuichi's brain had taken the opportunity to do a whole lot more thinking.
There was the very valid concern that the ghost could be a kid and therefore he should definitely not be propositioning them. That being said, it's a risk he was willing to take considering that he doesn't think any kid, ghost or not, would spend every night tidying up for no reason. Kids hate tidying up they would be more likely to create a bigger mess instead.
But, there was also the opposite problem. The ghost could be old, and not old as in they died centuries ago but old as in it could be an old ass man. He didn't think he would mind very much, though; he once considered getting a sugar daddy, and it's not like he needed the money so maybe he had a secret desire to have sex with old people. He made a mental note to check at some point if he had an age kink.
At the moment, there were more pressing matters to attend to. Like the ghost, he may or may not be engaging in sexual relationships within the potentially near future.
To be honest, he wasn't sure how a mortal would go about having sex with a ghost. Either way, he was willing to try.
"Alright, focus," Shuichi muttered to himself, shaking his head slightly as if it would disperse his thoughts. It kind of worked.
He decided to just go for it and write the first thing that came to mind. He remembered from constantly looking up 'how to make your crush like you back' a couple of years ago that being yourself is attractive.
'Hello spirit,
I am Shuichi Saihara, I am 23 and a detective. Now, with great shame, I was wondering if you wanted to have sex sometime. I'm bisexual so I don't care much for what your gender may be.
Alternatively,
If you would like to take it slow we could go on a date. That could be nice too, and it would make my friends stop setting me up with people if I say that I have a date. Win-Win, I believe.
Well, good night, I hope you sleep well. If you sleep? I hope you have a haunting time :)'
He didn't expect to add the second part. The intention had always just been to have sex with a ghost. It was meant to be a wild and spicy experience, but while writing the note Shuichi realized that he also kind of wanted to get to know the ghost he was living with. Maybe he was just a hopeless romantic for thinking about it, but there was always a chance that they could like each other. He thinks he'd be up for dating a ghost?
He sat there for a while, looking at the note. He thinks that he definitely could have done a better job, but if he tries to rewrite it then he'd probably spend the whole night redrafting it.
There were a lot of sensible places where he could have put the note. There were all kinds of surfaces in the house that would be great for placing a note for a ghost. Instead of choosing one of those sensible places, Shuichi takes some tape and sticks the note directly to his chest.
It was to make it 100% clear to the ghost that it was from him.
It did feel a little weird trying to sleep with a piece of paper on his chest- it flapped a little bit every time he exhaled, and if he moved too fast the tape would become weak. But he managed.
.
The first thing that Shuichi noticed when he woke up was the feeling of crumpled paper against his arm. He pulled his head up, squinting at the paper on his bed as memories of the previous night trickled back into his brain.
Wait. Fuck. Did he roll over in his sleep and sleep on the note?
He groaned. How was the ghost meant to see the note if his stupid body had been smushed on top of it?
He sat up, rubbing his eyes with one hand, and turning on the desktop lamp with the other. Light flooded into the room, as it made Shuichi's citrine-yellow eyes hurt for a few seconds before adjusting. He picked up the note, intending to throw it away in embarrassment, but before he does something catches his eye.
A response written in uneven, scratchy letters underneath Shuichi's neat, and elegant handwriting.
'What the fuck'
He stared at the words for a few moments, mouth open. He hadn't expected to get a response. Slowly, his face molded into a grin, as he jumped out of bed.
"That wasn't a no!" He shouted triumphantly through his doorway into the seemingly empty house.