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Aaron stared down at the notebook, analysing the written words. He tilted his head slightly to one side, thinking. Then clicking his tongue in disgust and scratching fiercely, he threw the notebook across the room. He leaned with his elbows on the table, took off his glasses and massaged his temples, closing his eyes. He sighed ruefully, his restless mind proclaiming a self-deprecating monologue in a voice very similar to his mother's.
Useless, Aaron Minyard. That's what you are. Useless. A waste of space, of oxygen. You don't do anything right, you are worth nothing. Your cousin thinks you're an asshole who's not worth keeping company with, he'd rather go back to his boyfriend in Germany and never look back. Your brother doesn't need you, he never did. He's kept you around because you're weak just like Day. He's got Josten now, motherfucking Josten. You're worthless. Your own mother would rather have had an abortion, remember? An abortion was better than the agony you put her through. An abortion wouldn't be any trouble. You shouldn't exist. Remember? You weren't meant to exist. Your unknown father always knew that, why do you think he never showed up? Scum. What kind of human being can't do a simple scribble? An illiterate child can, but you can’t. Not you. You're not capable of anything, you don't fit in anywhere. You have no friends, nobody wants to waste their time with you. You can't hold anyone's interest, you're not liked by anyone, how could you ever think of being loved-
His mobile rang, interrupting his thoughts. Aaron opened his eyes and smiled lightly when he saw who was calling. Well, shit.
"Hey, beautiful," he answered softly.
"What were you up to?" asked Katelyn, after a few heartbeats.
"What do you mean?"
"Your voice sounds strange." Damn, how could she always tell? He could practically see the expression on her face: the frown, the pout on her lips, the eyes half-closed with suspicion.
"If I say 'studying' with enough conviction, will you believe me?". Aaron could almost hear her roll her eyes and laughed softly. He loved to tease her.
"Aaron Michael Minyard," she said quietly. "You were making yourself miserable again, weren't you?" she asked sadly.
Aaron found that funny, in a sick sort of way. He was miserable. How could a miserable person deliberately make himself miserable? It made no sense. But he didn’t say any of this to Kate. He didn't think that being funny a second time would be a good way out.
"I... I was writing some things down and I had a few thoughts... Nothing much," he said, trying to dismiss his feelings so that Kate wouldn't worry even more.
He knew he didn't deserve her. He knew it from the first moment he layed eyes on her, from the first spark of interest. From the first time he asked her out, and she accepted. He knew it from the first hug, the first kiss, their first time with each other. These are some of his happiest memories: him admiring her at his very first game, her auburn hair swaying with the choreography, some red reflections standing out due to the stadium lights; her walking towards him after the third game, handing him a note with her name and phone number; him asking her out during the class they had together, the picnic in a distant park; the countless written notes they had exchanged, from the simple "you're beautiful" to the profound "I want you to be the mother of our future children", his neat handwriting decorating the wall next to her bed. But, like everything else in his life, these memories were tainted. He could still clearly remember the look on her face when he said that their relationship had to be a secret, that Andrew could never find out. The hurt she couldn't hide, followed by the reluctant understanding. Aaron had tried to smooth over the situation, claiming it was for her own safety, but what kind of boyfriend would make such a humiliating request? A worthless idiot like him. No wonder Kate's friends whispered shamelessly that he wasn't worth her time, that she should break up with him and find someone better.
"Oh, sweetie..." began Kate, affectionately. God, I love her so much! "Here's what we’re gonna do: you'll meet me in the cafeteria and after we've eaten, we'll go to my dorm, and we'll spend the rest of the afternoon looking for our future home"
Aaron smiled openly, since Nicky wasn't there to see him, the freshmen also busy with their own tasks. Alone, as always, he considered with an afterthought.
"That’s a plan. Meet you there." Aaron waited for Kate to say goodbye before hanging up, and heard the door open. There was only one other person with a free period like him at that time, someone who didn't have a key to his room - not that that was going to stop him from getting in.
Aaron turned round with a neutral expression and faced his brother. Andrew was staring at something above his head, uninterested. Aaron still didn't understand why Andrew showed up there. He had started doing it a few weeks ago. Aaron had tried to start up a conversation at first, but it had become clear that Andrew wouldn't respond, favouring the silence. Their relationship had improved, but they still weren't brothers. Aaron didn't think they would ever be. They were too broken; too many things unsaid, things unresolved.
Years have passed and I still have that same childish hope that my brother will be happy to have a brother. What a jerk! By now I should have realised that we are strangers forced to tolerate each other because we share the same DNA. Pathetic Aaron, you're pathetic.
Their deadline was coming to an end, with graduation approaching for both. They would go their separate ways and become nothing more than a bittersweet memory.
Aaron saw the exact moment when Andrew, eyes wandering around the room, spotted the discarded notebook, and froze in terror. Andrew, of course, noticed the slight change in Aaron. He stared at him deeply, picking up the notebook from the floor, as if hoping to trigger another reaction. Aaron remained impassive, his heart racing, hammering in his ears with a deafening noise. Andrew lowered his gaze to the notebook and considered the content. Aaron knew exactly what his brother was seeing and was paralysed. His mother's voice filled him again, and he felt short of breath.
Well done, you piece of shit. Now your brother will be sure that you really are incapable of doing even the most banal, simple things. He'll look at your scribbles, your vain attempts to belong to something, and he'll despise you. Because you don't belong, you see. You don't deserve to belong, you're the leftover that nobody wants. A failure. Dispensable. Do you really think the medical community will accept you just because you've decided to pretend to have bad handwriting? What do you want, a pat on the back for your pretence of genius? It's fake, it's all fake. Ugly letters won't make you fit in. Useless, Aaron Minyard. You're useless.
"This one," said Andrew, pointing at something in the notebook.
It took Aaron a few seconds to realise that his brother was talking. That he was talking to him. He blinked, confused. Andrew rolled his eyes impatiently and turned the notebook round so that Aaron could see where his finger was resting.
"This one," he repeated, and Aaron could see his name written over and over again in several different handwritings, all crossed out, previously discarded. Andrew pointed to one in the top right-hand corner.
He abruptly threw the notebook at Aaron and left the room, closing the door with an unusual softness that was incompatible with his previous action. Aaron looked at the writing chosen by his brother, and a wave of heat went through his body, a whirlwind of emotions battling against each other. Of course, Andrew had understood the desperate attempts, the frustrated scratches. Andrew always understood everything. But more than that, he had chosen a handwriting for Aaron's future job. He had spoken. He had even repeated himself, and Andrew never repeated himself. But, he did it for Aaron.
Resting the notebook on the table, he thought that maybe, just maybe, their deadline could extend beyond graduation, and with that little hint of hope, he hurried off to meet Katelyn.