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It started with the brothers all catching up at Bruce’s home. Just talking about all that happened in the past 20+ years since the band split. Particularly the fact that Grandma got eaten. (And then little Branch was left alone gray and colorless for more than two decades. But all the guilt and such about that were already brought out earlier.)
They’re all trying hard to avoid the heavy, emotional talk about this for a later time, but they were all still curious. How did he manage mostly on his own? Did someone at least try looking after him after Grandma got eaten? How did he get started on building his bunker? How did he get started on it? Any other question about how Branch grew up that could keep things relatively lighthearted.
But one of them, at least, has a burning question. He really hopes it doesn’t ruin the mood. It could probably be kept lighthearted, right. “Hey, I was wondering, Branch,” Clay starts, “If Grandma died when you were three… who ended up giving you The Talk?”
Everyone seems to pause what they’re doing. The two oldest brothers share a look. Branch may not have been the most popular troll in the village, being colorless, worrying about Bergens, building a bunker. Even so, if the other trolls cared enough to make sure he still escaped the Troll Tree, surely someone cared enough to make sure he was informed.
“What talk?” Oh no.
“Are… are you joking right now?”
“Ah no?” Branch furrows his brows. “What talk?” Oh no.
John Dory steps in the elaborate. “The Talk. The birds and the bees. Changes your body goes through. Where babies come from. Please tell me Uncle Kevin didn’t give you The Talk.”
“No, Uncle Kevin died just before Branch was born, didn’t he?” Floyd reminds him.
“Oh Yeah. Thank god.”
Branch shrugs. “Sounds like that talk Poppy’s dad tried to have with me that one time.”
“Tried. Tried to have.” Bruce looks at him in disbelief. “Branch.”
“What? I was finishing up the bunker! I wasn’t in the mood for whatever awkward conversation the king was trying to have!” Branch looks around the kitchen. “Where’s the coffee?”
“Branch,” Clay stresses, trying to step into his youngest brother’s focus. “Branch, you’re 25. You can’t be 25 and not know where babies come from.”
“I know where babies come from! They come from eggs!”
“And where do the eggs come from?”
Branch blinks and says nothing.
John Dory sighs and drags his hands down his face. “Branch, you have a girlfriend.”
“So?”
“So?! Oh my god—” Bruce runs a hand through his hair. “I thought I had a few years before I had to give anyone The Talk.”
“I mean, do we have to have this talk right now?” Floyd asks, fidgeting in his seat. “Is it really that important?”
“Are you kidding? We don’t want our baby brother to make a baby on accident just because he doesn’t know how it happens!”
Floyd blinks. “It… it can happen on accident?”
The three oldest brothers whip their heads to face the second youngest. “Oh God.” A sort of horror dons on John Dory. “Oh God, you were five. ”
John Dory realizes just then how young they all were when they went their separate ways. That on its own is something to think about later. But in this situation, Floyd was the only one of them too young to get The Talk before going off for a solo career. He was off on his own, going through puberty without any one to explain things to him.
Floyd feels the need to defend himself. “There are trolls in the Indie Mountains! I know a thing or two!”
“So, some random mystery troll just decided to give you a lacking explanation on where babies come from?” Bruce crosses his arms. Just imagining some troll out there coming across his kid brother, deciding to give him the talk, and apparently leaving out some important bits. He can’t even begin to imagine what reason this stranger would have to leave parts out, because then his mind will go to terrible things.
“Alright! We need to fix this, obviously!” Clay starts moving. “I think there was a slideshow for this somewhere. It might have been kept in the admin building, so I might have it with my stuff.”
Bruce does a double take. “Wait, did you bring trolls sex–ed materials into my house? My kids are too young for that stuff!”
As soon as “sex-ed” leaves the heartthrob’s mouth, Branch gets up and starts walking out of the room. John Dory rushes over and picks him up. He’s a bit lighter than you’d expect the average troll to be, so it’s not too hard a feat. “Nope! You’re not going anywhere.”
“Put me down!”
“No way! You’ve been going around way too long missing crucial information!”
“I’m not having this weird-butt conversation! You guys are all being awkward as heck!” Branch wiggles in his eldest brother's hold. He’ll get a charlie’s horse or pull a muscle eventually.
“Hey!” John Dory doesn’t put his youngest brother down, even as he struggles. He goes so far as to hold him up with his hair while Clay slips around them to leave the room. “It’s hard to see you and Floyd as grown-ups if neither of you understand how babies are made!”
Bruce sighs. “Man, I’m glad the kids are at school today.”
It’s lucky that the slideshow just happened to be in the things Clay brought over from the mini-golf course. And that it was all so well put together! Better than Grandma awkwardly trying to explain things. Bruce considers maybe showing it to Brandy, since she never seemed to quite get a hold on how the troll part of things worked.
“So, any questions?”
Branch fidgets in his seat. “So… it just comes out of—”
“Yep.”
“But sometimes it comes out of—”
“Yep.”
“And— Oh. Huh.” Branch honestly wants to curl in on himself. He is realizing a LOT of stuff about his early teens in hindsight. And— and who the heck did Guy Diamond do THAT with? There doesn’t seem to be anyone else in the picture. Was it someone who left? Was it— Oh fuck, he hopes it wasn’t Creek, of all trolls.
Floyd is quiet. He taps his fingers on his knees, lost in thought. He has something to say. Or something he should say. But all of his brothers have been particularly protective of him. They were protective because he was the youngest before Branch was born. They were protective because he was the most sensitive out of all of them. And now they’re protective because he had the life drained out of him for over two months.
“Floyd? Are you good? Any questions from you?”
“I think…” he starts slowly. “Is… is there a way to make a phone call or something to the Indie Mountains?”
All four of his brothers slowly turn towards him with wide eyes, looks mixed with horror and shock and maybe a bit of confusion. “Okay… Why do you need to talk to someone in the Indie Mountains?”
“Well, I didn’t know kids could happen on accident before, and…” Floyd trails off. A blush is forming on his face. “It’d be nice to talk to the Indie Trolls again, too. They’re nice people.”
“Hm. Yeah. Nice people.” John Dory huffs. “Nice people, that just left out some stuff of the puberty talk. Nice people who—”
“You guys are making a bigger deal about this than you need to. It was just a fling. I just wanna make sure.” Floyd tries to stop this protective brother, avenging-younger-brother’s-honor mission before it happens. “I’ll just call someone at the prison, have them make sure there’s no egg, then it’ll all be good.”
“PRISON!?!”
Branch has one possible saving grace in all of this. One thing that can get him out of this horrible, mortifying conversation. He eyes the clock. “Hey Bruce, what time do your kids get off of school again?”
This snaps the second oldest’s attention. “Ah, shoot! Put the sex-ed away. Put it away, my oldest isn’t getting The Talk until Brandy and I figure out how to give it!” He waves his arms as though it’ll sweep the slideshow away. Clay catches the urgency and frantically starts putting the slideshow and related materials away. John Dory breathes out his nose. He leans over to Floyd and whispers, “I have a radio, but don’t think we’re done talking about this.”
Floyd nods to Branch in thanks. Branch actually sighs in relief. Oh god, this has been a day. “Do I even dare ask about what happened with this prison guy?”
The second youngest thinks for a moment. He starts in a quiet voice, “There was this guy named Creek—”
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!”