Chapter Text
It was the first week of December and the cold, raw wind off the ocean had come and decided it would stay a while. Christmas decorations had been up in the Broadchurch shop windows for several weeks now.(Hardy had wryly observed that they had at least waited until two weeks before Halloween to begin decorating.) Ellie was moving furniture around in their lounge, hopeful to find an arrangement that accommodated the live tree they would be purchasing later. She was fairly bursting with excitement about it, mildly annoying Alec in the early morning hours with her exuberance before he left for work.
Ellie had already brought the colored fairy lights and large plastic tote of ornaments downstairs from the attic storage room. She took some time to plug in the lights, discovering that two strands would only halfway light up no matter how much she shook and wiggled the wires, so those would have to be replaced. Then, even though she didn't have a tree yet, she decided to look through her ornaments.
Ellie had never liked the Christmas trees that were all white lights and matching ornaments with a "theme." In her opinion, your Christmas tree was supposed to be like a scrapbook of your life, all mismatched and overfilled and lit up with big, fat multicolored lights. Her ornaments definitely reflected that. The first small plastic tote in the larger one held old glass ornaments belonging to her Granna, inherited by Ellie because her mother really didn't want them lost and they would never survive the chaos that was Lucy's life. Lucy didn't care about them, but never failed to make a comment about their mother favoring Ellie. Ellie had gotten good at turning a deaf ear. They were old and faded but still beautiful. And definitely going towards the top of the tree, with Fred and (well, honestly) Tom in the house.
She set the tote of fading glass ornaments aside and pulled out a large envelope of decorations made by Tom in primary school. Here was Tom's school picture, age six, framed in macaroni spray painted gold. His chubby handprint turned into a Santa face. Laying that aside, she looked back in the tote and her heart was broken. She pulled out a fish shaped picture frame ornament, the picture was of a younger, shorter Danny and Tom. Both were muddy, grinning widely and holding up small fish they caught. She flipped it over and saw she had written that the boys were eight years old. She remembered that trip. Joe had taken them. They had come back excited, full of life and stories to tell. And because she questioned everything now, Ellie couldn't help wonder if Joe was looking at Danny then. If the seeds for what was to come were planted as long ago as that. She covered her mouth with her palm, stifling the sob that bubbled up.
"Mum?" Tom was leaning on the doorframe, looking concerned.
"Just got blindsided again, sweetie," she sighed. "We really didn't get many decorations out last year, so I must have missed this one."
Tom sat beside her and picked up the fishing ornament. He stared at it. He squeezed his eyes closed for a second and took a deep breath. It had only been a week since Joe had been sentenced to fifteen years for attacking Chloe's boyfriend and holding Ellie hostage, among other things, in a half baked plan to take the boys out of the country. It had gone spectacularly wrong for Joe, to Ellie and Alec's great relief.
Joe deserved a longer sentence, but they took what they could get, and they finally were free of him. It just seemed that little memories would always be popping up like a Jack in the box. She gave Tom a concerned look.
Tom took another deep breath. "I'm fine, Mum. And it's going on the tree. That was a good weekend, and I want to remember it. I caught more fish than Danny," he said with a small smirk.
Ellie chuckled. "And that's what really counts."
"Yep."
Ellie gave her son a little squeeze. He'd grown up so much, especially since Halloween when Joe had shown up. "We had a very small, depressing Christmas last year and I don't think Alec's was much better. So I reckon we should set about making a great Christmas for us all. We have a lot to celebrate," Ellie said with a smile. "Going to be a much better one than last year's. New house, new life and all."
"Oh, Mum, this isn't gonna be like one of those TV shows that says 'it'll be the best Christmas ever', is it?" Tom said with a smirk.
"Yes. Yes it is, son. This place is gonna look like Father Christmas barfed up tinsel and garland all over it." She attempted to say that with a straight face and failed miserably. They were chuckling as she pulled Tom's first Christmas picture ornament out of the tote and showed it to him. "Look, you were all bald head and fat rolls and those Christmas reindeer jimjams were so flattering. When you graduate I'm going to blow this picture up really big and display it at your party."
Tom reached into the tote and pulled out two ornaments. "Got these for you and him a few years ago," he said. One was a police badge, the other a small ambulance. "Olly took me shopping."
"I remember," she smiled.
"What do we do with it?" Tom said, holding out the ambulance ornament.
"Do you want to keep it?"
"I want to chuck it in a bin, Mum. Can we just get rid of the ones with his name or whatever on them? We don't need them. We're not that family anymore."
Ellie nodded. Tom's statement very accurately summed up their entire year. "We've got a half hour before Alec brings Fred home from Beth's. Come on." She grabbed the tote and Tom followed her into the kitchen. She grabbed the bin from under the kitchen sink and set it by the table. She relieved Tom of the ambulance ornament and dropped it in the bin. They had gone through most of the tote by the time Alec and Fred blew in on a gust of frigid winter air.
Alec took in the scene as he helped Fred out of his bright yellow parka. With raised eyebrows he looked in the bin, and then at Ellie, who gave him a brilliant smile. He hadn't expected this scenario at all. He definitely didn't expect her smiling about it.
"We're going to need some more decorations. And more lights," Ellie informed him cheerily.
*******
They had a meal of sandwiches and soup, during which they promised Fred over and over that yes, they would be getting the tree after they ate. Ellie sent Tom upstairs with Fred, instructing Tom to find Fred a warmer jumper. When Tom balked Ellie reminded him, "The faster you move, the sooner we get a tree and even better...you're not having to clean up the dinner mess. Now move it!" He moved it, and she and Alec set about cleaning up.
"So....what I walked in on before....you two okay?"
Ellie gave him a small smile. "It got a little emotional....but yeah, we're okay. We never went through the Christmas decorations when we unpacked boxes. Why would we? Anyways, we found some old family ornaments. Tom said we weren't that family anymore. And he's right. I just want to focus on making this a great Christmas. We deserve it after last year's."
"Aye, you do."
She cupped his cheek. "So do you," she said, kissing him.
"It wouldn't take much to beat last year's. I'd say it already has."
She hugged him tightly. "That's good. You'll have Daisy..."
"And you lot." Ellie grinned widely.
"What's the word on Daisy's plans?"
Alec sighed. Tess was making it so much more difficult than it needed to be. She had first been fine with Christmas Day but Daisy wanted Christmas Eve and day with Alec since they had missed out on so much. "At this point, Daisy's having Christmas with her mum on the twenty-third and I'm picking her up early on Christmas Eve. They've been fighting a lot. Daisy plans to stay until New Year. Tess wants her back for Dave's family party on the twenty-eighth. It could get ugly after Christmas."
"Oh, no. I hope not. I hate that for her. I want her here for as long as we can get her but it's no good, fighting with her mum like that."
"Let's just get through Christmas. Then we'll see what happens."
Ellie kissed Alec's forehead. "Get through it? No, we are going to celebrate. Make it our best..."
Alec groaned. "You're not saying best Christmas ever, are you, like we're on EastEnders or some such rubbish?"
She laughed. "You and Tom are really two peas in a pod, aren't you?" He looked confused for a second , then shrugged. By then, their boys were noisily plodding down the stairs, bundled up and ready for the cold.
*****
Ellie slid into the driver's seat and announced, "I call the radio station!" She merrily switched it from talk radio (Alec's choice) to the station that had been playing all Christmas music since first November. "All I Want For Christmas Is You" burst out of the speakers and Ellie started singing along. So did Fred, who made a valiant attempt at singing what words he could understand. Ellie's "peas in the pod" both groaned.
"Grinches in the car, Fred," Ellie called out.
"I am not a grinch!" Tom argued.
"I am driving on the way home," Alec asserted.
"So should I add Christmas music to the ever growin' and never endin' list of things that cheese you off?" Ellie asked Alec.
"It's not that I don't like it...it just....well, no I don't. I don't like it. A lot of it's cliche and too annoyingly soppy and....."
"Bet if the Proclaimers had a Christmas album you'd listen," she argued.
"It wouldn't be that damn soppy. And if it was it'd be because they were being ironic. You're about to miss the street," Alec pointed out.
She grumbled under her breath, calling him a knob, mainly because he was right. She pulled into an adjacent lot and turned around and they pulled into tree lot's car park in silence.
"Only you two could fight over Christmas carols," Tom commented as he freed Fred from his car seat.
"We're not fighting," Ellie argued.
"We're having a difference of opinion," Alec agreed with her. Tom rolled his eyes and took his little brother's hand. They walked ahead of Alec and Ellie.
Alec gave her a sideways glance, not expecting to catch her doing the same. Her lips quirked into a small smile, and so did his. A second later they were both chuckling. Alec extended his hand to Ellie and she took it. Tom looked back at them incredulously.
They were just weird, Tom decided.
*****
There was still a good selection of trees on the lot, which made for a plethora of choices. Ellie liked the shorter, fatter ones, and Alec, who preferred the taller, skinnier ones, had the unerring ability to find the bare spots and imperfections. So Tom and Fred took matters into their own hands and found one for the grownups. "Over here, Mum," Tom said, pointing out one that was tall, but not too sparse and skinny. Fred was hugging it.
"Decision made, I reckon?" Alec asked.
"I want it," Fred said decisively.
Alec looked at the price tag. "Well, it's not out of the budget. What do you think?"
Ellie smiled at her little boy who was looking up at her with a brilliant smile. "I think if we don't get this one his heart will break."
*****
Alec and Ellie walked around the lot, looking for the attendant. He'd disappeared into thin air, apparently. The boys followed them, content to look at the other trees and Christmas lights hanging up. A speaker was piping out Christmas music. "Is it gettin' on your nerves yet?" Ellie asked with a wry grin.
"No....and I'm not a Scrooge or a grinch or anything like that....and I'm rather liking all this despite the bloody freezing weather. And I know you were just takin' the piss, anyways."
She giggled. "Maybe, maybe not." She leaned in and whispered conspiratorially, "And I saw you tappin' your foot to the song in the car."
He rolled his eyes, barely suppressing a smile. "I was tapping it in annoyance."
Ellie giggled. "Okay, sure, love. Whatever."
"That's my story, and I'm sticking to it." He couldn't suppress the smile now.
She squeezed his hand. "So, apparently you don't hate Christmas trees...."
He snorted laughter. "No, I don't. See, there you go again..."
She stuck her tongue out at him. "S'not my fault you have a bit of a Grinchy reputation now. My question was, how do you like your Christmas tree?"
She asked with the seriousness of someone asking a guest how he liked his tea.
"Is this one of those questions I'll never get right?"
"No, knob. It isn't one of those questions. I'm genuinely wondering. And I won't judge you...too much..by your answer."
Alec rolled his eyes. "Well...when I had Christmas with Tess it was all white lights and a lot of glass baubles." He smiled at a memory. "And the ornaments Daisy made at school or at home. Those were the best. Always liked looking at those."
"Tom has a lot of those. Fred's starting to. Nothing better than those kid decorations." Something occurred to her. "You haven't seen those in a while, have you?"
"Been a long time since I've been with Daisy at Christmas. This will be the first one since Tess and I broke up that we've spent any length of time together."
They sped up a bit to keep Tom and Fred in sight. "Then this will be a good one for you," Ellie said.
"Hoping so," Alec answered with a little smile.
"What did your tree look like when you were a kid? I decorate like my mum did, so you'll see what mine looked like."
Alec thought a moment. Christmas with his parents wasn't really the most wonderful time of the year. They battled most of the time but at least kept it together for Christmas morning. They behaved and Alec opened his gifts. The fireworks usually started up again later, but they usually gave him the gift of a peaceful Christmas morning. He really did like the way his mum decorated the tree.
"Mum had a couple of those strands of fairy lights that bubbled. I remember that. I used to stand and stare at the tree. Or I'd lie on the floor under the tree and stare up through the branches at the lights. Mum even caught me taking naps and reading under the tree a few times."
It warmed her heart in the frigid night air to hear of a happy memory Alec had of his life in Glasgow. There weren't a lot of happy memories for him there, and it saddened her to think that he never really caught a break. Turmoil with Daisy and Tess, turmoil with his parents. She thought she would have loved to have seen him as a boy, all gangly and freckled, lying under a Christmas tree, nose in a book.
Alec caught her staring speculatively at him. "What?" he asked.
"Just thinkin' about how sweet you were under that tree," she said with grin. He rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on. Now you're disgruntled by your past sweetness. That's just silly." She laughed. "Did you ever do anything with extended family?"
"At Christmas? Well...Mum was an only child like me...and Dad had one brother. So we'd visit her mum and my dad's parents. My uncle's family would be there and I'd play with his two."
"So you have cousins your age?"
"Andrew's a bit older, but Carrie and I are the same age. We played together mostly."
"Why haven't you ever mentioned them?"
Why? he thought. Because he lost touch with them. He cut off everyone while he was struggling. They probably wouldn't speak to him at this point anyway.
He didn't tell her that. Instead he said, "I haven't been in touch. Time flies, I guess."
"But that's all the family you have, right? And they weren't here when you....they didn't know, did they? How sick you were then." Her eyes widened with the realization of just how much he had shut down during the worst part of his illness. So many lost opportunities. "Well, that's just bollocks."
Now the conversation was getting uncomfortable and Alec was relieved to see the lot attendant. "I was wondering where the bloody hell he went," Alec muttered.
******
They got the tree home, eventually. They were all out of breath (but not dangerously so, in Alec's case) and Fred was in a frenzy by the time they got it into the stand. Alec was thankful that they didn't have to cut much off of the trunk to get it to fit.
They were both thankful that it was Fred's bedtime but Fred was devastated. "Mumma and Daddy are going to try to get the lights on and then we'll decorate all day tomorrow, sweetie," she told him. "Can you take him up, Alec? I'll be up in a bit, okay?" She looked as though she as planning something. He raised an eyebrow but scooped up Fred, promising him stories from the basket of Christmas books Ellie had brought down from the attic. As soon as Alec and Fred went up and Tom was occupied with the fairy lights, she fished her phone out of her purse and dialed up Daisy.
******
Ellie was up early Saturday morning and ready to go by the time her family had dragged themselves out of bed. Alec was bleary eyed from a late evening of untangling and stringing lights. They had gotten to a point in which Ellie had said it just wouldn't do not to replace the light strands that were malfunctioning so they stopped. They went to bed late and apparently Ellie had risen with the sun, cheery as always.
Alec really had no idea how she managed it. "Off to the shops!" She announced, plopping Fred in his booster seat and kissing Tom's head. He grunted a reply.
"What, now?" Alec managed.
"Lights and baubles to buy," she said with a smile. She kissed him and added, "I'll text you if I'm going to be out long. Let Fred put some of those stuffed cloth ornaments on the bottom of the tree so he won't burst from having to wait." She snatched up her purse and gave them a wave. She left them to their breakfast.
Alec was still blinking the sleep out of his eyes when he accidentally kicked the bin. It made an unusually jingling, rattling noise and he popped open the lid. The remains of a Miller family Christmas littered the bag. "Not that family anymore," he remembered Ellie saying. He thought, if they woke up and got through the morning he might need to make a trip out when Ellie came back.
******
It was nearly lunch before Ellie finally returned, laden with shopping bags. It hadn't taken her long to pick out baubles and find multicolored lights but the one thing she'd wanted had taken some searching. She wouldn't show Alec what she bought. "Nope. Later, when we decorate," she promised, putting the bags in the laundry room. "And no peekin', Hardy. I mean it."
"I'm heading out to the shops after soup and a sandwich. And you can't see what I'll buy either, " Alec announced, as he steered Fred away from the tree and into the kitchen.
*****
By the time Alec returned home from his much shorter trip to the shops Fred was down for a nap. Ellie was stringing some lights. "I think we might finally be ready for this, took us long enough."
"Well, you and your marathon mystery shopping trips," Alec pointed out.
"You'll be happy when you see why, I hope." She handed him a shopping bag. "Happy tree decorating day. Or something. I don't do wrapping, by the way. You'll at least get a festive bag or two at Christmas." She was babbling and he realized she was a bit nervous about whatever was in the bag. He gave her a quizzical look and then opened the bag to find two boxes of bubble fairy lights. "Didn't think I was going to find any in the shops. Thought I might have to go online or somethin'."
Alec thought that Daisy would find him horribly soppy to be speechless over a box of lights, but he was gobsmacked. He was sure of Ellie's love, and of his love for her. But these gestures she made still caught him off guard. She was looking at him expectantly and he gave her his wide, eye crinkling smile that she loved so much. He kissed her and said, "Thank you, love."
"Not too corny then?" She actually looked relieved. He pulled a small package out of his coat pocket.
"I don't think it is. Hope you don't think this is, either." He handed her the package. "I don't wrap gifts either. And sometimes you're lucky if you get a festive bag. I'll try to make an effort for Christmas, though."
She took out a small Christmas ornament, a little polymer clay Christmas tree with five little baubles, each labeled with a name. Alec, Ellie, Daisy, Tom and Fred. "That's the least soppy one there. There was a booth at the Christmas tree lot, saw it last night. Couldn't see us as five little snowmen or heads pokin' out of a sleigh....." He was emphatically interrupted by her lips on his. When they surfaced for air, he said, "It's a start, I suppose. One doesn't replace all you tossed, but..we're this family now, right?"
"Absolutely," she said, beaming. She hugged him tightly. She could feel a tradition being started. She hoped it was.
*****
Fred's eyes goggled when he saw the lights on the tree. "Oh, bubbles! We got bubbles! Where we get those? Wow!" Alec laughed. He thought that maybe, he could vaguely remember feeling that way when he saw the Christmas tree as a boy.
Ellie left her fellows in the kitchen long enough to pour four mugs of steaming hot chocolate. When she returned, two pairs of feet were sticking out from under it. Giggles rang out from under it, one high pitched and the other deep. Tom walked in from the hallway and looked at his brother and Alec, laying on the floor heads under the tree. He shrugged. "Got room?" Tom asked.
"Yeah!" Fred squealed. Tom joined them. Ellie burst out laughing. She set the mugs down and grabbed her phone. She snapped several pictures and texted them to Daisy.
*******
In Sandbrook, Daisy lay on her bed, trying to sleep, but feeling restless. The harsh voices downstairs and slamming doors weren't helping the screaming headache she had. Normally she'd be out on a Saturday night but she called her friends and begged off, feeling ill. She wished she had gone, because cause anything would be better than this, even if she was probably running a low grade fever.
She'd been scrolling through Twitter on her phone, but even that hurt her head to read. She pulled her warm quilt over her and snuggled into her bed.
Her phone buzzed on the pillow next to her, and she opened one eye. If it had been one of her friends she wouldn't have picked it up, but it was Ellie's text alert sound. The screen displayed a picture of a Christmas tree in her dad and Ellie's living room, and she could just make out in the light of the tree three pairs of feet sticking out. The text read "Look what they're getting up to. Can't wait for your feet to join them. Love you!"
She gave a small smile, but tears were burning behind her eyes. She texted back a smiling face, then placed her phone on the nightstand. She wiped her eyes, feeling utterly forgotten by the people arguing downstairs. A loud door slam reverberated up the stairs.
She could not wait until Christmas.