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Ellen loved them.
Not like how she imagined she would, back when she was younger and the Earth was still unscorched.
When she was a child she’d dream of love, flipping his fingers idly through a million fairytales about princes courting their princesses, tales of forbidden, true and enthralling love and romance.
When she grew to a teenager her love of reading did not diminish, but it matured. She pressed the words of Jane Austen and Emily Brontë and Dickens through her mind and couldn’t help but dream towards her own story. She used to lie in bed at night, dreaming up her own knight in shining armour, losing herself in the details of what he’d look like, how he’d walk, talk and how the two would meet. She could never quite make up her mind completely on any of the details; she was a prey to indecision in that way. However, there was always one detail that remained constant- the two would fall blissfully in love and live happily ever after. That was how she planned it.
There were willing men enough - but none of them quite her knight, none quite possessing the chivalry, the honour, the intention as she wanted and so she refused them - maintaining herself for the day that her beloved would finally be delivered unto her.
But, that wasn’t quite what ended up happening. When the wars had begun there was no time for romance - there was a different priority, dodging artillery shells and focusing on manufacturing. She served her country, looking eagerly towards the war’s end, paying little attention to the developments in AI that the government seemed to be focusing more and more on.
Well, she paid little attention until she had to, which came sooner than anyone expected, but when AM took over, everyone knew that the game was well and truly over. Bombs fired and fell, just as they had before, but they had targets now, and they fell accurately. AM withered every blade of grass and ripped every living creature apart in its anguish and it terrified her. She ceased immediately praying for love and prayed only for life- her life.
She received it and Ellen lived. Everyone was dead, but her and her four others. There was no more knight coming to rescue her- no hope of love anymore and so there was no use maintaining herself either. She was the first one to suggest she stop doing that. The four men had agreed readily enough - but Ted never let her forget it was she who suggested it first.
But, what he never seemed to understand was that it was not much of a choice - it was an inevitability- something bound to happen sooner or later. Ellen chose sooner even if only to spare herself the agony of having to hear one of them ask her for the one thing most precious to her. The four of them were chivalrous enough to wait, but she was wise enough to know that they wouldn’t be able to wait for long and certainly not for forever.
So, she did what the group needed her to do. She hadn’t particularly wanted to - but want was a luxury in this new, desolate world. But, though she was now so close with her four male companions she couldn’t help but feel so distant.
There was Benny, sweet Benny. Ellen loved Benny with a pure and maternal heart. His mind had regressed to that of a toddler, but Ellen’s had stayed as that of a woman in her prime and her instinct to mother had certainly not disappeared with the rest of the human race. So, she wiped his mouth when he drooled, kissed him goodnight and attempted to call him back every time he wandered a little too close to danger’s perennial edge. He was her son and he loved her like a mother - though of course that was all the more blurred in a primates brain, with the line between parent and mate thinner than the tufts of hair that had sprouted all over his body. He was certainly not her true love.
There was Gorrister, who was dear to her heart. He had given up - completely. Not in the stubborn way that Ted had- but in such a total way that he had given up being stubborn at all. He agreed to everything, too tired to ever fight and obliged every request. He never spoke unless she asked him a question. It was unfortunate and an awful shame, especially in light of his past. He used to be a fighter before AM wasted him, someone who never gave up on his relentless mission to better the world. Ellen couldn’t help but feel admiration at that noble mission. She often wondered if the two had them had met before, perhaps he couldn’t have been her true love. But, not now, not when he was nothing more than a dead body still able to move, just about. He was certainly not her true love.
There was Nimdok, unless there wasn’t. He left the group so often it was incredibly easy to forget he was ever apart of the group to begin with, but he always returned just when the group was sure he wouldn’t. Even so, these prolonged periods of absence meant, even after 109 years, Ellen hardly knew Nimdok. In fact, that wasn’t even his real name. He seemed kind enough, but, try though she did, there was never any connection. He was certainly not her true love.
She supposed then, if she had to choose from her limited selection - she’d have to chose Ted. Ted was deathly paranoid; AM had done that to ruin him. AM had ruined all of them. Well, Ellen wasn’t sure exactly what AM had done to her- she didn’t really feel affected at all- but then none of them seemed to think it had affected them either, so, just like all of them, Ellen must’ve herself been wrong too. Yet, despite her love, Ted didn’t seem to like her very much. He called her such horrible words, though never to her face. He did it underneath his breath and seemed to believe that she couldn’t hear, but she could, all of them could.
She cried often enough as it was. It was a habit she thought 109 years of agony would help to shift, that maybe she’d build up a tolerance for pain, enough that she’d have strength instead of oceans in those ebony eyes of hers. Yet, at every pain, her anguish painted itself in salted water down her face. It was embarrassing, and though Ted held her, murmuring words of comfort, he could see the lack of sympathy in his eyes- in any of their eyes.
Perhaps Ted was jealous. Jealous that Ellen still had a heart - but Ellen tried to avoid self flattering decisions such as that. She’d tried to ask him why once- but he had denied it all, called her crazy, accused her of imagining things and told her he didn’t hate her at all. That wasn’t true. Ellen knew what she’d heard; Ted knew what he’d said. Surely? She had flitted her eyes between the other two (for Nimdok had been on one of his absences at this time) desperately begging for silent help and defence in the argument, but none came. The two other men had simply averted their eyes so they wouldn’t have to see the fallout. She submitted and the four continued on- mentally making the note to never ask again.
He had said he didn’t hate her, it was a thought that caused her heart to flutter slightly, which even she, optimistic though she was, would admit was a silly thing to get so excited about. That, however, left her with so many questions. Why then did he look at her as cruel as he did? Why did he insist on causing her so much pain when she did all she could to cause him joy?
His joy brought her pain but she kept silent through it, expressing it only through how she pushed and pulled on his dark brown hair. He mistook that of course and would never believe her when she told him she took no pleasure in it. That she could try to understand. The thought of causing another human pain was never a pleasant one and if she was in Ted’s position- she too would rather believe she was lying than realise what agony he caused her, that all of them caused her, every time. And really - it did bring her some sense of joy, in his happiness. Well, happiness was a bit of an overstatement, but in how it calmed him and seemed to make him just that slight measure more at peace. It was a joy Ellen could only hope to one day possess herself, but even so, it gladdened her generous heart that she could give it to someone else - even at the sacrifice of herself.
And who knew? Perhaps one day Ted would repay that favour- even if he did hate her.