Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Today is an amazing day for the Tommy community. Finals are over. (Well midterm finals but THEY WERE STILL FINALS-) After running on fumes, coffee, and nothing but the Night to keep him company, Tommy was free from studying. Free from grinding his nose into paper and breaking multiple pencils. Free from staying after school and having awkward conversations with the smart kids to help with something he didn’t understand. And holy shit did freedom feel amazing.

But there was something he wasn’t free from. Villains.

Well.

Technically.

You see, the big-ass sword in the garden and some villain logo carved into his bench that he didn’t notice until a few weeks later (his property value damn it!!!) may have worked for a while. It still does, with only a few stragglers every other week accidentally crossing over. But the problem starts with the very villains that put it there, to begin with. They think that since they claimed HIS apartment, they can just waltz over and hang out whenever they fucking want. 

How dare they, what happened to respect people's privacy? And since they know his finals are over, they’ll probably come to bug him even more. 

Damnit.

But that was a problem for Night Tommy™

He only got 4 hours of sleep when he took his finals so tonight he’s gonna be an uncanny valley. Right now he’s just trying to get through his last shift at Spacecash before getting the next few days off. 

“Lady please for the sake of everyone in the line behind you take your drink.”

Why must his last day be stained with a middle-aged woman demanding to remove the milk from a latte?

“I am lactose intolerant! Are you trying to kill me?!”

Tommy Internally died inside and his soul climbed away. Dammit he needed that to function. Get back here.

“Miss if you cannot handle Milk there are several different options that you could have ordered. Your options are-“

“I don’t need options! I want a refund! I'm never coming here again!”

Someone cleared their throat behind her in the line but she seemed unfazed. Tommy sent everyone a look to tell them he wasn’t paid enough for this (he really wasn’t) and he’s sorry. Hopefully, they got it.

“Fine. Just take the money. I’m not dealing with you.”

The lady seemed to take offense to that as if she was trying to piss him off. “Excuse me that is no way to talk to a customer! I’m going to leave a bad review for the service, just you wait!”

Yeah yeah, the amount of times he’s heard that is stupid. Who even checks reviews for chain shops?

“Ok sure, have a great day. NEXT!”

Luckily the rest of his shift wasn’t as eventful as that and some customers even tipped him more after witnessing that which is a win in his books. Definitely going to make a point board in the employee office whiteboard. Karen 0, Tommy 1.

When he started wrapping up at 4, things started getting weird. The shop was surprisingly empty, which means either it was that point in the day where everyone’s coffee was kicking in, or everyone was using the drive-thru (it was probably the latter). At this time he usually works the

drinks rather than the cashier but someone had come early to their shift so he was stuck at the register. Exactly 3 minutes before his shift was over, someone walked in.

“Hi, welcome to SpaceCash, what can I- holy shit I know you.”

A tall, buff, and the most noticeable hair color was standing awkwardly at the counter.

“Er-have we met?” The guy looked away to see the menu. Which is dumb since no one looks at the menu unless they are new but no one would stand so close if they were new-

anyways.

“Dude. You have pink hair. I’m surprised no one has caught on yet.”

“I haven’t the slightest what you are talking about.”

“Wait,” Tommy closed his jaw from where it dropped, “do you just have that much plot armor? Are you the main character? Am I just a side character?!”

He slammed his fists into the counter. “Dammit I tried so hard to be a background character and I ended up being the side character!”

The guy in pink hair (aka the freaking Blade) was looking at him funny.

“Why do you want to be a-“

Tommy pointed at him before he could dare question his big man motives.

“When you were born did your parents go ‘Ah shit, our son has anime hair, we 're gonna be the tragic background story for character development’?!”

Blade looked mildly offended at that. “Why would you say that? What if my parents were actually dead?”

Tommy shrugged. “I’d tell them to get good and it’ll prove my point.” Blade rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

“My hair is dyed, idiot.”

Tommy gasped dramatically, he’s been lied to! “So you’re just hiding your insecurities!” He exclaimed. 

Blade sputtered, “W-what, no? H-hey,” he put his hand down on the counter and leaned forward, invading his personal space and making Tommy lean back, “Shouldn’t you be taking my order? This is terrible customer service.”

Tommy took a step back, checked the time, and smiled as he began to unravel his apron. 

“Jokes on you fucker, my shift ended a minute ago.”

Blade looked up at the roof and closed his eyes. “Oh god he’s petty even when it’s not Night,” he muttered. Tommy’s going to pretend he didn’t hear that for the sake of his brand. In his defense, he’s low on sleep so it still counts.

“Ok listen I’ll make you a drink even if it’s after my hours. I’ll take your order.”

Blade rolled his eyes like an ungrateful bitch. “Get me the darkest coffee on your menu.”

Tommy threw his hands in the air. “You act like I got everything here memorized.” He went to prepare it anyway because he did know which it was.

“Yo Blade,” he called out, “You know in the business we like to call this drink the ‘coffee black as a college student's soul’, since it’s mostly college students who get it.”

Blade seemed to become very serious and looming and a bit too intimidating for Tommy as he lowered his voice. “If you say anything about my identity-“ Tommy took that moment to once again insert his charm.

“I don’t mess with people when they have that much Main Character Energy. If you can walk around with pink hair inconspicuously, I don’t stand a chance.”

He grabbed the completed coffee cup and grabbed the Sharpie. “Name?”

Blade gave him a dirty look. “No.”

“I’m not giving you the drink unless you tell me.”

“No.”

“I legally have to put the name of the order.”

Blade groaned. “Write Dave.”

Tommy spun the sharpie around his fingers and gave him a look. “Liar. I’ve been doing this for years man, I can tell when someone’s lying about their name just the way I can tell if you lied about your birthday for free food.”

Blade raised his eyebrows in shock, anger nearly forgotten. “Baristas can tell that?”

Tommy nodded solemnly, doodling little flowers and crowns and swords on the coffee cup. “Yup. We are simply too powerful. If they pay us more the industry would see a vast change in profits.”

A beat of silence stretched between them while Tommy continued to draw bunnies and pigs on the cup.

“Huh.”

“I still need a name for the order.”

“Oh my- just write Techno.”

Tommy smirked. “See now, with a name like that you must be a main character!”

Blade aka Techno scoffed. “And how do you know that’s not just an alias?”

Tommy winked and tapped his head with the marker. “Barista instincts.”

He passed the cup over to Techno who ignored all the drawings and quirked an eyebrow at what Tommy wrote.

“The hells a ‘TechnoBlade.”

“It sounds like a gamertag. Way fucking cooler than whatever the hell dAvE was. This way you collect more plot armor on your way home.”

Techno stared at him. Tommy stared back. He looked into his eyes and glimpsed the soul of a man who was most definitely an anime character. Said Man looked away first, like an antisocial hermit. Take the L.

“You make me uncomfortable. I’m leaving.”

“gasp wheeze-“

“Why are you saying that audibly?,” Techno shifted uncomfortably, “I don’t like you. You’re too much of an unknown.”

Yeah, that sarcasm is so thick you could cut a knife with it. Yeeeeesh tough crowd.

Techno makes his leave while his sanity is still intact which makes Tommy crackle uncontrollably like a total maniac.

“I PRIDE MYSELF IN BEING UNKNOWN!” He called out while following him to the door since, if you remember, his shift ended a while ago which means he’s free to leave.

And conveniently, his ride was nearby.

“Uh-oh, Tommy’s on his evil arc, and he just found his anime rival.”

Tommy turns to see the Homie™, THE man of the hour, his friend Tubbo. Of course, Tubbo is in a white van with a lanky ass motherfucker at the wheel, since Tubbo was banned from driving a year ago. His roommate, Ranboo, is a bit of a weirdo driving around a white van (and Tommy knows that he keeps candy in there), but Tubbo refuses to be driven around by any other Person.

“Yooo Big T!”

Tommy jogged up to them and high-fived Tubbo from the window. Ranboo leaned forward to get closer to the window and sheepishly waved. Tommy scoffed.

“Hello, Mr. Boob.”

“Still NOT MY NAME-“

Tubbo climbed to the back like a menace and opened the sliding door. He leaned out and offered a box of chocolates. 

“Hey kid, you want some candy?” He said with a terrible accent that always made Tommy laugh.

“Sure I got nothing else better to do.”

He climbed into the back and sat in the only seat available. Tubbo climbed back to the front and Ranboo began to drive out.

“Tommy I’ve been meaning to ask how you haven’t gotten kidnapped yet. You totally would be the kid at the park who gets offered candy.”

“Shut up sassboo.” When he’s busy not being shy Ranboo is such an asshole. Honestly, the friends Tubbo hangs around with. (Including himself because he knows his flaws.)

Tommy gave up trying to find the seatbelt in the mess of the backseats. Or rather backseat. There’s only one chair left, Tubbo having gutted the entire back part and left it looking like a bunker on wheels complete with a computer capable of hacking the government. Tommy still doesn’t know why he did that or why Ranboo agreed but their friendship follows the rule of ‘let’s not ask too many questions smiley face emoji’.

“So where are we headed, guys?” Tommy asked. Since Tubbo’s finals were also over he requested the ‘friend group’ go out for fun, but didn’t elaborate on where they were going. Surely Ranboo knew if he was the one driving.

“Ok, you're going to turn left here Ranboo, and then go straight for another 2

miles.”

“Where are we going?! And who the fuck still memorizes road Tubbo.”

“Shut up, sleep hoe.”

“WHA-“

Ranboo chose to turn up the radio, like an asshole.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine Tommy!” He yelled over the music.

It was not fine.

“Why would you take us to a kid's park?”

“I need test subjects-“

“TUBBO NO-“

“TUBBO YES-“

Tommy climbed out of the van and ushered the others out. If they were going to spend hours at the park he wanted to take over the jungle gym. He voiced this of course.

“Guys let’s take over the jungle gym and make the other kids do our bidding. If we don’t have complete control over this entire yard I will rage quit life.”

Tubbo cracked his knuckles and stretched.

“That was the plan all along, big man.” He pointed to the opposite side where innocent children were playing unknowing of the havoc to come.

“The plan is I’ll take that side, you take the other side and we start a war. Ranboo collects the stragglers and makes a rebellion on one side while the other takes over. Then we all team up and control the entire yard.”

Ranboo sighed but agreed because this is just how they like to spend their time when they have free time. Simulate humanity through children. Tommy pumped up his fist and jumped up in the air.

 “Alright! I’ll take the rock climbing section and dub it ‘Pogtopia’.” Tubbo shot him a thumbs up. 

“I’ll take the sandbox section and call it ‘L’Sandburg.”

Ranboo grabbed the candy from his car because he’s actually really good at manipulating children and said, “I’ll wait like 10 minutes for you guys to collect your army I guess.”

“Secret meeting point under the slide in 20. Ok, disperse!” Tubbo yelled.

 An hour and a half in and the entire park was theirs. Tommy only got exiled 2 times, which is a record low for him. Ranboo was crowned king as per usual and Tubbo was the one who swore in the new arrivals into their fort. Tommy was the commander of the army. As if they had any more enemies.

While the kids danced around the fire they built under the canopy of the slide singing chants in who knows what language, Tommy’s phone slipped off his pocket. Mildly annoying, but was unimportant.

 Or so he thought.

When he picked it up he had over 40 messages from Instagram. This is weird, cause last time he checked, he hardly had followers who cared to message him that much.

Curious, Tommy opens the messages to see some rando named Wilmblur_scoot or something frantically saying things like:

Techno said you climbed into a white van after they offered you candy.

It’s a joke, right?

Hello?

R u ok?

Do you need help??

Were you kidnapped?!

HELLOOOOO

HELLO

HELOO

HELLO

R U GUD BRO

Seeing how they name-dropped Techno, it’s obviously one of the villains. Deducing that the only one who had the information and guts to internet stalk him is Siren, Tommy is going to guess this is the infamous “i_Munch_Sand_123”.

But answering honestly is no fun. So he decided to fuck around a little.

Tomathy:

Uh, why is a 40-year-old man texting me? Ew, I’m not available, I will block.

Wilmblur:

HOLY SHIT CHULD R U OK I HEARD YOU WERE KIDNAPPED

wait

IM NOT A 40 YEAR OLD MAN WHAT

IM NOT EVEN 30

Tomathy:

First rule of internet. Lie about age. Also, I saw your PFP you are balding so much I know hairless cats who look better than you

“Yo Tommy get over here!”

Tommy looks up at Tubbo who succeeded in having kids learn how to roast marshmallows and interesting bugs they find.

“In a second! I’m cyberbullying!” He called out. Tubbo waved him away and gave him a ‘you got five minutes’ look.

Wilmblur:

Bruh

Why was I even concerned about you

Tomathy:

Idk SIREN why are you stalking me on the internet

Wilmblur:

I

Er

Wait

How did you know it was me???

Tomathy:

You realize how many people can know a Techno right?

If it’s the same one

Only one has pink hair

Like the guy in your posts

Duh

Wilmblur:

This isn’t fair y r u smart

No one is supposed to put the dots together that’s like rule number one of the secret identities

Tomathy:

Bitch when have I ever been normal

Wilmblur:

...

R u safe tho?

Tomathy:

I never realized u care bro

Wilmblur:

I like to keep people who can unease my brother close and alive

Tomathy:

Holy Shit you being brothers with Techno makes so much sense

I bet 5 dollars and some cheerios that Crow is your dad

Wilmblur:

No comment

Where r u

You're not at home

Tomathy:

Rule two of internet, never give location

Besides you’ll come to see me at night like a weirdo anyways

Wilmblur:

Humor me

Tomathy:

Ur a worrying old man

Fine

I’m at a park simulation civilization with children

We took over, dubbed it L’Sandburg, and are currently committing arson

Wilmblur:

I will eat it

Tomathy:

That’s it I’m blocking you

Tommy didn't check what he sent after that, letting the guy wallow in the feeling of being left on delivered. Putting his phone away, he moved to join the group who now began to remove the screws from the slides and under Tubbo’s command, began to create a gigantic mech robot thingy.

An hour or two later the sun began to set and parents finally looked up from their phones to see their children wielding sharp sticks and fire camped around a moving robot made of the jungle gym with Tubbo sitting on the throne (he was crowned king after making the robot).

Families started leaving, dragging kids away despite the children's protests. In the end, each one saluted the members of L’Sandburg and soon it was only Tubbo, Tommy, and Ranboo.

“-so anyways we’ve hit at least 75% of the parks in this city so the manipulation of the next generation is going along smoothly-“

“That’s nice Tubbo.”

“-so when I inevitability become president I will only have to rig half the votes and I'm gonna have my army-“

Tubbo yammered on while Ranboo only half listened to him, poking at the dying fire and half-constructed weapons made from the melted screws the kids removed earlier. Tommy yawned and cracked his back. The sun has nearly set and he wants to head home, lest he stays up and becomes a victim to the chaos of the Night.

“Alright, I say we wrap it up. How about you guys?” Ranboo shot him a thumbs up and Tubbo sighed contently.

“I want some salted peanuts.”

“Tubbo, what the hell.”

They all laughed a little while they began to head back to the car, totally ignoring the police sirens coming to investigate the park's odd appearance.

After getting some unhealthy takeout and being dropped off, Tommy began to make his way home. To his dismay, he saw atop his apartment building the shadow of a silhouette standing dramatically at the top of his roof.

“Well well, if it isn’t the infamous lanky ass bitch Wilmblur Scoot.” He muttered under his breath, ducking into the building and hoping that the fucker didn’t see him. If you don’t remember from the recap earlier, Siren thinks he owns the place. This means he comes in at random asscrack hours, steals all of Tommy's chocolate, and uses his Netflix. Honestly, he’s such a leech. Tommy can’t seem to shake him. Anytime he does something unnerving or unhinged around Siren purposely, the guy just thinks it’s funny.

Bitch better not bug him tonight, oh no, if he destroys the only night Tommy has free to sleep, he’s going to make sure that bitch would have insomnia for the rest of his short life. He’ll also make sure that both sides of the guy’s pillow are warm and his blankets get untucked. Rule one, don’t fuck with Tommy’s sleep. He’s reached his limit and can now resort to violence. He even has the arsenal for it.

While he’s plotting his foe's slow demise he reaches his apartment and the sun fully dips into the horizon leaving the stars to happily twinkle into the room via the roof window. 

Oh, and Siren's face is squished against the glass. His entire body is lying on the door like some dramatic model atop a car.

Bang bang 

“Let me in!” A muffled yell through the glass.

Tommy rolled his eyes and went to unpack his stuff. That bitch can wait a few more minutes if he’s going to be like that. Or as a matter of fact, he can just stay outside while Tommy sleeps. Hmm, that sounds like a good idea. 

He heads for the safety and comfort of his bedroom and prepares to jump onto the bed face first and become one with it. But before he could do much leap, the freaking stickman of a Villian decided that he wasn’t going to wait anymore, and chose to climb through his bedroom window.

He lifted his lanky legs into the house while Tommy watched him in shock and horror.

“Did Ya miss me, child?”

Siren attempted to stand up all the way but he hit his head on the curtain rod like an idiot. Instant karma for breaking and entering bitch.

Tommy got over his shock and groaned. His hopes for getting sleep tonight have been tied up, thrown out the window, and hit by a bus. He grabbed the nearest pillow and threw it at Siren, checking just in case he was hallucinating. It happened occasionally. Siren raised an eyebrow.

“See if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re not very pleased to see me.”

Tommy buried his face in his hands and leaned against the wall hopelessly.

“I’m sure no one would be pleased to see the one who’s been stalking me on

social media.”

Siren absentmindedly picked up his metal bat and twirled it around. “You should really update your Twitter, it’s been 3 months since you commented anything.”

Tommy cleared his throat. “Don’t deadname Twitter dude.”

“...You just did?” Siren asked after a beat of silence.

“I’m going to have you canceled. I know people that can destroy your online life.”

Siren put down the back and threw his hands up. “Alright alright calm down. Don’t get your pants all twisted.”

“Who still says that-“

“-I'M here with a proposal,” Siren said, raising his voice, “A deal of a lifetime that I’ve been waiting to tell you all day since I’m so generous in letting you enjoy your day.”

“Hmm.” Tommy pursed his lips before exiting his room to look for snacks.

“Hard pass.”

“Wh-wh- I haven’t even-“ Siren stuttered, scampering to follow Tommy down the hall to the living room.

“Listen, dude. You can fuck around or whatever but I’m going to bed.”

Siren sent him a look that was a mix of a kicked puppy and a confused duck. He glanced at the clock on the wall and back.

“Dude.”

“What.”

“It’s fucking 7:00.”

Tommy stuck a bagel in his mouth. “So?”

Siren held out his arm while the other pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Why are you going to sleep so fucking early? What are you 6?”

Tommy rolled his eyes. “I’ll have you know that just because you fuckers installed a sound ordinance doesn’t mean I could still sleep. I had finals- studying took up half my life and I barely finished today.”

Siren shot him a look. “Try hard. I never studied because I value my health over some dumb tests.”

Tommy took another bite of his bagel, (which was plain mind you, just a fucking raw bagel he took out cause b r e a d) and tilted his head side to side.

“That’s probably why you dress up and commit crimes while living with your father.” Insert fog horn air siren and pixel glasses on him because he’s a badass.

Siren furrowed his brows and opened his mouth to reply, but then he closed it again and crossed his arms. Cause Tommy tends to spit facts like that and can’t be argued.

 “No comment.”

Tommy finished the last of his bagel, chugged down some milk (cause if you don’t drink milk before bed you need to get something checked out-), and went towards the glass trap door.

“Alright, this has been nice but I got to get to sleep and you need to, idk, whatever villains do in their free time.”

He opened it and gestured siren to leave the house because fucking hell this guy does not know when to quit. He’s the kind of guy to take ‘no’ as a ‘try harder’.

Siren held up a finger in panic and desperation. “W-wait! Just hear me out ok?!” Tommy closed the trap door and crossed his arms. “You got 20 seconds.”

Siren put a hand on his hair and breathed out harshly. “Right ok, so you’re over 18 right?”

“Siren, do you REALLY want to start it off like that.”

“...”

“...”

“Oh for fuc- shut up gremlin. I want to take you to the Las Nevadas district.”

Huh. Tommy felt his eyes widen a little before smoothing his face to be expressionless. Does he want to take him gambling? He might as well start practicing his poker face and torture Siren.

With an expressionless face, Tommy continued the questioning. “And pray tell, why you wish to take me to the biggest gambling district in the country. And is also infamous for being where 90% of underground deals occur.”

Siren chuckled. “See that I got an explanation for. I made a deal with a friend of mine who heard of a certain urban legend and wanted to see if it was real.”

Tommy groaned, giving up on trying to be cool and emotionless. It wasn’t for him. “Why you do  me dirty like that dude.”

“So you’re not denying it.”

“Have you seen me?”

Siren crossed his arms and dropped down on the couch. “What by the way, what’s up with that?” He gestured vaguely at Tommy like a drunkard. 

“My what?”

“Your whole... aura or whatever. What’s your deal? Do you got like some power or something?”

Now Tommy’s going to break the fourth wall for a hot second and admit to the audience that the author has no fucking clue whether or not this universe has powers. For the sake of a somewhat consistent story, he’s going to pretend it’s a thing for now, and we’ll hash out the details like

how common they are later. Since the sbi villains got the most basic bitch commonly used fanfic villain names for the sake of being recognizable, the author requests (begs) that you leave a comment on what their abilities should be if the universe ends up with a logical system of superpowers.

Cool? Cool. He duct tapes the poor hole in the 4th wall because he can’t leave that open for too long or someone might stick too much lore in a silly crackfic. Continuing on-

Siren raises an eyebrow. “Or are you just not human? Isn't one of the rumors a thing like an eldritch horror or something?” 

“I’m a creature of the night, Laura Brannigan is severely jealous of my Self-control.”

“What does that even mean.”

“It’s pop culture, you wouldn’t understand since you probably dropped out of college.”

“What does that eve-“

Tommy put his finger to Siren's lips and shushed him before he could ask too many questions that revealed Tommy’s secrets. He likes being a secretive mysterious shit. Hell yeah, bitch. He’ll get all the women soon.

“So when are we going to Las Nevada?”

Siren eyes widened. “SHIT!” He jumped off the couch like it was burning hot. “I told him we’d meet at 9!”

He scrambled to collect his things, (it was mostly Tommy’s things that he takes from time to time) and scooped up Tommy with one arm.

“What the fu-“

“Time to go!”

Siren opened the trapdoor with his shoulder and carried Tommy out of the house like he was some cardboard cutout. Tommy did not like being carried like a cardboard cutout at all. In fact, he was feeling downright murderous.

“Fucking let go of me you pedo old tall lanky bitchy looking goofy five dollar hair cut regressing hairline-d dollar tree fit bitch.”

Siren ran down the building tops and jumped from top to top with ease, carrying him across the night sky.

“That was awfully creative. Is that the best you got?” He taunted as if he wasn’t legally kidnapping him.

“You’re kidnapping me, you know that right?”

“What are you going to do, call the police? Haha, don’t make me laugh.”

“Oh try me bitch, I get worse the less sleep I get. And I have the feeling you’re going to be begging for sweet release by the time I’m done with you.”

Siren groaned. “Can you PLEASE stop making everything sexual?”

Tommy shrugged, which is hard to do in the arms of some guy, and smacked his lips. “I don’t know dude, you're the one who’s pointing it out, if anything you're the one making it weird. You did stalk me on the internet.”

Siren tripped on one of the building tops and woah they got pretty far, who knew that the lanky bone bitch was actually in shape, and stuttered before responding, “Why do you keep bringing that up? Who doesn’t stalk people on the internet in this day and age? It’s not weird.”

Tommy pursed his lips. “Yeah touché, but by the way, who’s Wilmblur Scoot?”

“Me dumbass.”

“Your name is Wilmblur.”

“It’s actually Wilbur.” He says like he didn’t just reveal his identity to some random college student he kidnapped while parkouring down Main Street towards the entertainment area. Tommy stayed silent for a couple of seconds before breaking the tension.

“I like Wilmblur better.”

“I’ll just call you Tomathy then.”

“Fuck you Mr. Wilbitch. Technoblade was a way more badass name. These names just get worse and worse. Next thing you know, you're going to tell me Crows gonna have some average guy name like Steve or Phil or some shit.”

Siren or Wilbur as Tommy should now know him, suspiciously staying quiet for a wee bit too long after that.

“You’re joking.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Your fucking joking.”

“I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!”

“You just narrowed down my options to like two names!” Tommy laughed because he could feel his sanity slipping away and rather it not be present when he arrived at the place. It’s one of those things you would let happen for a good reason.

“Holy shit I can just look through your Instagram to find out which name it is.”

Siren shook him a little and jammed his elbow into him as a warning but Tommy was too busy laughing to feel it.

“Ha, I’m willing to bet 6 dollars and a box of dark chocolate that it’s the name Phil. Phil sounds like a rich white guy's name and Crow totally gives off that vibe.”

Wilbur sighs, which doesn’t answer the question, but Tommy knows he’ll find out sooner or later.

“Is that it? Is vibe checking just your power.”

“YOLO.”

Before Wilbur could unpack that interaction, Tommy pointed at the haze of colorful light pollution and bustling loud sounds of the entertainment district.

“We’re here.”

As a hard working college student, he can count on one hand the amount of times he’s been here. It’s just as annoying as he remembers it. They have no concept of nighttime. Disgusting. If there’s one place he would love to take down, it would be this one. He’ll add it to the hit list for now, and think of this trip as recon for the night cult.

“So where are we going?” Tommy asked. He did get kidnapped after all.

Wilbur slipped down one of the billboards with one hand and dropped to the ground. They entered an alleyway between buildings. It was your normal sketchy-looking drug-dealing alleyway.

“You’re in luck, I happen to have an entry to all the good spots here and my friend is considered very important too.”

He dropped Tommy to the floor and Tommy landed on his butt. Not fun. Not only that but his whole body was sore from being heaved around like some display.

“Ow. Asshole.”

Siren gestured to what looked like a broken metal door hiding behind a dumpster. Tommy pinched his eyebrows together and groaned.

“Some entrance.” He muttered as he got up from the floor. Siren knocked on the door twice, paused, and then knocked in a pattern that Tommy was 90% sure was that one Spanish jingle “La Cucaracha”.

The door opened wide open and some guy in suspenders and a beanie threw his arms wide at the entrance.

 “EYYYYYYYYY!” 

Siren shot him some finger guns and broke into a stupid smile. “EEEEEAAAAAYYYYY!”

Beanie Guy, whom Tommy immediately decided he didn’t trust because he was friends with Wilbitch, swung his arm around Siren and pulled him inside, leaving Tommy to follow them at their heels. They approached an elevator crammed into the end and the guy dragged them in.

“Siren I haven’t seen you in foreveeeer man.”

Siren gasped dramatically and poked his finger in the Beanie Guy's gut. “Wait omg I know you!”

Beanie guy threw back the exact same energy and gasped just as hard. “OMG I KNOW YOU TOO!”

Then they both squealed like teenage girls which made Tommy want to unalive someone. More importantly, they’re ignoring him. Which is a crime punishable by Death according to himself. The elevators opened on the opposite side which was a weird elevator design but he’s in Richville so it was probably common.

They stepped into an expensive-looking living room that had what looked like multiple weapons hanging on the walls. Oh and rubber ducks. Weird but not going to question the interior design because the guy was clearly rich and had multiple video game consoles connected to 4 flatscreen TVs.

Overkill rich people man.

While the other guy, who clearly had not registered the fact there was someone else with him, got drinks Siren made his way to the couch covered in too many throw pillows. Like seriously they took over the entire couch but that didn’t stop Wilbur from throwing himself atop of them as if they were his throne.

Tommy cleared his throat to grab his attention. “Are you going to introduce me? Or are you going to keep being rude.”

Siren did a double take before slapping his forehead. “I forgot you were here for a second.” He grimaced apologetically. “Sorry, Big Q has that effect on people. Just has to be the center of focus.” He shrugged. Tommy sighed. Attention. Must be nice.

 He sat on the side of the couch’s armrest and raised an eyebrow. “So are you going to or not cause I can just leave to sleep.”

“Don’t you dare,” Wilbur hissed quietly before doing a 180 on the emotions and broke into a malicious grin. This guy. Tommy thinks they’re going to need therapy by the time the night’s over. Siren raised his hand to flag down the Big Q guy.

 “Yo Big Q! I forgot to tell you, I got someone I want you to meet!”

Big Q turned to face them while carrying a box full of drinks before he locked eyes with Tommy. Tommy raised his eyebrows twice and the other twisted his face in horror.

“HIJO DE-“

He dropped the drinks and scrambled to the back of the bar and duck. He popped up a second later with a cross in hand and a Bible in another. “Santa Maria Madre de Dios...”

Tommy yelped and ducked to hide behind Siren's tall lankyness.

“What the fuck what the fuck, is he putting a SPELL on me?!”

Siren threw both his hands up and vaulted over the couch to the bar. 

“Yo yo! Chill! Dude relax. yeeesh.”

Big Q faltered as Wilbur took the Bible from his hand and shoved him over to Tommy the way a parent pushes a kid to pet an animal, but the shorter man still pointed the cross at him like a gun.

Which Tommy doubts could stop him if he got down to business but that’s not important.

“Eyup.”

“Holy fuck he’s real!” Big Q exclaimed, poking Tommy in his side with the cross.

“Ow.”

Wilbur snickered in the background watching the scene unfold. Asshole. He knew this would happen, Tommy can feel it. He flipped him a bird because the brunette needs to seriously start explaining or Tommy’s going to explain with his fist. (Why is he so violent today-)

“-ah that was great anyways Quackity meet Tommy, Tommy meet Quackity, a good friend of mine-“

“This motherfucker shot the number one hero with a gun, Siren! What the fuck were you thinking bringing him here?!”

Siren's cheeky grin slid off his face to replace the pure bamboozled shock that is the actual normal reaction when around Tommy. Good. He’s still got his game. Siren got a little too warmed up to him but he’s yet to see Tommy at his strongest.

“W-wha-“ Siren stuttered. He turned to Tommy who stuck his hands in his pocket and looked at the interesting molecules on the ceiling. “You what?!”

Quackity shook Wilbur’s shoulders violently which was an impressive feat with the height difference. “He shot him with a Nerf gun of all things too!” He cries hysterically, leaving Wilbur in a state of even more bewilderedness. He turned his entire body towards Tommy.

“You what?!”

Uh oh, he’s a broken record. Someone get the duct tape again.

Tommy cleared his throat. “I’m my defense, the intrusive thoughts won over. I was under the influence of no sleep. The voices told me too.”

Quackity made eye contact with Siren and raised an eyebrow. “Is he all there up in the...,” he pointed at his head.

Wilbur blinked. “That’s something I ask myself too.” He muttered.

Tommy rolled his eyes and sat back down on the couch and grabbed the nearest pillow.

“Right, I came, I saw, and I made it awkward, can I please go to sleep now?”

Quackity facepalmed. “That’s not how the quote goes- you know what kid, I don’t even know why this crazy man brought you here but you're more than welcome to leave. I’m not insane enough to stop you.”

Siren snapped his fingers. “Shit, that’s right! I brought him 'cause of the bet we made!”

“You realize how little that narrows it down- we got too many bets going on.”

“The one where you wanted to meet the urban rumor of that one entity that lurks the night.”

Quackity narrowed his eyes and stroked his chin like some underpaid office worker. “This  suddenly makes a lot more sense now.” He turns to Tommy who is trying very hard to rest his eyes just a little bit. Just a little bit? Please? 

 “So are you just an entity?” Quackity questions.

Tommy shrugged. “When I find out I promise you’ll be the 16th to know.”

“Wha-“

“There’s an inquiry list. Get in line.”

Quackity threw up his hands and turned to Wilbur, who was examining his nails like some petty bitch. He technically is so it fits the bill.

“I give up. Fine. Take your stupid bet. How much was it?”

“12 bags of string cheese, 20$, and a tub of Rocky Road ice cream.”

Quackity closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Ay, Por qué yo…” he muttered, trailing off. He walked towards the bar and activated a microphone on the wall.

“Hey Charlie, can you get me 12 bags of string cheese, 20$, and a gallon of Rocky Road ice cream,” he spoke into a small speaker.

He shot Siren a dirty look. “Cabrón. You and your stupid bets.”

Tommy nodded gravely at Wilbur’s stuttering. “I know. Bitch still owes me 11 dollars, some cheerios, and a box of dark chocolate.”

Quackity looked at them both in horror. “Oh my god, they’re the same. They came out of the same gremlin trash can.”

Wilbur gaped at him for a second before getting his ‘I’m about to do something stupid’ face and going over to Tommy. He leaned a little too close and started pinching both his cheeks.

“Look, see he’s not dangerous. He’s so squishable.”

Tommy swatted his hands away and kicked his legs into Wilbur’s gut. Yeah, the illegal sibling move. Kicking.

“Bitch touch me one more time I dare you. I’ll bite your fingers off.” He seethed, baring his teeth at the asshole brunette.

Wilbur cooed at him. “He’s like a feral Racoon!”

Oh no. This is the last straw. Tommy draws the line at fucking ‘cooing’. He jumped up from the couch and scrambled towards Wilbur. Siren, somehow having a chaos radar a mile wide, seemed to know what Tommy was going to do and ran to the other side of the room. Tommy jumped over Quackity, who got frightened and ducked behind the bar. (A/n: get it? Ducked? Ok I’ll leave-)

 Wilbur got him stuck in a standoff on opposite sides of a table. No matter which way Tommy ran, Wilbur just went in the opposite direction. Oh no, they’re playing the chasing game around the room. Fuck. Tommy thinks they just got brother-bonded. Brother coded. whatever.

Lucky for them, (read: lucky for Wilbur cause Tommy was ready to jump over the table-) they were saved from the standoff by a wide door off on the side opening up with two guys wheeling in a box.

“-And you know me, always eager to tamper in a little dark magic-“ the first guy said to the other guy as he pushed the box towards the bar.

He looked just like any other random dude if you ignored the fact that there was literally slime all over him. This guy looked like he crawled out of a giant's nose, as gross as that metaphor sounds. Like seriously, someone needs to get this man a towel.

 “Yo Big Q I got the assortment of um,” the Slimy Guy said, “Dairy products?”

The second guy who Tommy noticed interestingly, was leaning against the doorway but was somehow completely out of view. All Tommy could tell was the guy was wearing a suit, but the rest of him was all covered in shadow like some anime antagonist. Oh, shit is this the anime antagonist to Technoblade’s plot armor?!

“Who the holy fuck orders so much fucking cheese?! What are you gonna do with it, shove it up your ass?!”

Wilbur and Quackity turned to the doorway as the guy stepped out into the light. Cue bottom-to-top camera pan as the suit guy fixed his New York hat on his head.

“Oh, it’s you fuckers. I should’ve known.”

For some fucking reason at that moment audio of a crowd cheering played faintly and some subtitles appeared at the guy’s chest level that said ‘Guest Star: JSchlatt’

Tommy crossed his arms. People from the fucking entertainment district are weird. He thought his lack of sleep was bad but some of these people were built like hallucinations. Still. Gotta respect the effort.

Wilbur looked around confusingly. “Where the hell is that coming from?” 

The slime guy snickered. “Long story involving a very pissed off Archiver spirit and a gun.” (a/n: It’s me, I’m the archiver, I had to watch hours of Schlatt content to get his character right so I cursed him as revenge.)

Schlatt scoffed. “Fucking understatement. It was my gun to begin with so there shouldn’t have been a problem.” (a/n: creating beef with my characters, I'm so lonely-)

Quackity shook off his confusion and lifted some drinks. “Can I interest you men in some beers while you’re here?”

Schlatt smirked and pulled a bottle opener out of his pocket. “Can’t say no to a free beer.” The other guy cleared his throat. “Uh, the box? Hello? This need refrigeration?”

Wilbur got up from checking the bottom of the table for speakers because he clearly didn’t believe in the magic of 2 am and headed over to the box. 

“Ah my precious, my baby.” 

He picked up the box and carried it out, leaving Tommy in the room with 3 weird fucking men.

“Uh dude,” he called out, “You’re really just going to leave me here?” Quackity ducked around and under the bar to get more drinks and waved a bottle at Tommy.

“Be good people and introduce yourselves!”

The Slime guy reached out and shook Tommy’s hand, getting slime all over much to Tommy’s disgust. Ew. He doesn’t even have a napkin.

“Nice to goop you! The name’s Charlie Slimecicle, but you can call me Charlie. I like to eat, sleep, and breathe air.”

He was way too energetic for it being late into the night but hey, for all Tommy knows, the guy’s nocturnal. Most people are in this area. Tommy pulled his hand away and watched the goop slip off his hand. He scrunched up his nose. “Err-“ he said.

Charlie smiled sheepishly while still somehow not looking ashamed at all.

“Sorry, it gets everywhere, non toxic though!”

Tommy wiped it off on his clothes. “I don’t know if I’d want to snort it. I prefer the taste of mud anyways.”

Charlie winked at him obnoxiously which means Tommy probably passed the vibe check. He wasn't worried but glad to know.

 “So who are you, my incredibly blonde friend?”

“The name’s Tommy. I’m a creature of the night, who hasn’t got the will to try and fight,” he said, leaning against the bar, watching the surface slowly getting filled with more drinks. Damn, how many does this guy have?

Charlie looked a little off-put at the remark but the Schlatt guy choked on his drink and looked at Tommy dead in the eye.

“Are you fucking quoting Laura Brannigan?!”

Tommy’s jaw dropped. “Someone finally got my reference?! Dude, you are so real for that. Truly one of the boys.” He said, feeling some hope for this dreary situation.

Quackity appeared out of thin air because he’s gonna have some attention in the room and passed out more drinks.

“Eyyy!” Schlatt called out. “Vodka ain’t my first choice but pass that over here. I swear my past life probably died of alcohol poisoning.”

“Big Q you realize he’s driving me home right?” Charlie laughed nervously while eyeing the man in the suit chug down another bottle.

Schlatt waved him off. “Relax, I have yet to get so much as a driving violation, much less a DUI.”

Quackity coughed. “Probably because you pointed guns at them.” Schlatt made a face and shrugged. “Hey all I’m saying is drinking and driving got a bad rap.”

Tommy put both his hands together in a clap and squinted his eyes. “I feel like I know you.” He said to Schlatt, the man lowering his bottle to side-eye the blonde. Since he sat on a bar stool it was less a side eye and more looking down on him. He suddenly felt like an ant but in a slash-pos way.

“I own a suit company? I don’t fucking know kid why would some random kid Wilbur picked off the street recognize my beautiful mug.”

Charlie snickered. “More like a mug shot.”

“Hey!”

Tommy snapped his fingers. “That’s it! You’re a jail uncle!”

“I’m a what.”

Charlie wheezed in the background. “Did you just-“

Tommy nodded his head solemnly at the sentence. “Ma bro Tubbo, you're his uncle. The one that went to jail.”

“What part of ‘I’ve never gotten so much of a traffic violation’ do you not underst- oh wait you talking about the Turbo kid? Oh yeah, I know him.”

Quackity choked on a drink. “W-wha-“ he stuttered, “you have a nephew?!” Schlatt shrugged. “I’m not good with kids, pretty sure he’s adopted.” He took a sip.

 “I just know he exists 'cause he hacked me a couple of times and did some under-the-table shit for me.”

Tommy nodded. Sounds like Tubbo. He grabbed his phone and took a picture of Schlatt while the guy took another swig and sent it to Tubbo.

Big Man:

*insert image*

Is this your uncle?

Bee boi:

WHAT-

Tommy decided to leave that on delivered, seeing how it was late and he wouldn’t ruin someone’s sleep on purpose. Totally the reason.

The room was quiet as everyone was in denial that Schlatt could ever be an uncle, so Tommy cleared his throat. “ I have a question I’ve been wanting to ask for a while, where did you get that suit?”

Schlatt looked down and huffed. “This bad boy is legendary. It’s seen it all. From failed funny bits to downing multiple quarts of alcohol while smuggling guns. The sheer power that comes in a suit cannot be defined by any other article of clothing-“

“He bought it at some store down by the 5th street to kick start his business back in ‘16.”

“Hey- I was in the middle of giving my autobiography! Anyways-“

Wilbur chose that moment to walk back in. “Miss me?”

“No.” The entire room says.

“You’re all so mean :(“

Quackity popped another drink and tossed it to Wilbur as Charlie lifted a drink and leaned towards Tommy.

“We’ve reached a point where you can start to hear sad faces.”

Tommy pushed the 7th drink he was offered away. He doesn't drink alcohol when he can see the moon out. 

 “I don’t need to get drunk to hear those, I already hear whispers in my ear whenever I don’t get sleep.”

Wilbur elbowed a suspicious Schlatt with a cheeky grin. “It’s true, sometimes when I’ve visited, I’ve heard him talking to himself. He sounds creepy as hell.”

“You were probably sleep-talking,” Charlie said nonchalantly even though Quackity looked horrified at the idea.

“Do I need to get the rosary again?”

Schlatt barked out a laugh. “Did you splash this kid with holy water?! Holy shit man, you’re pulling all the stops.”

Quackity tapped his forehead. “I haven't tried that yet.”

Schlatt made a noise of disbelief and waved in the direction of Tommy. “Look at him! You could probably take him with one arm!”

Tommy coughed into his hand. As much as he doesn’t like getting thrown under the bus, he can’t say much around these people while the night is still young.

“Can you buy me a suit like yours?” Tommy asked, changing the subject. It works, seeing how they all suddenly looked at Schlatt.

“Heh, no.”

“Please.”

“No.”

“Why not.”

“Because I don’t want to.”

Tommy crossed his arms and looked over to Charlie.

“Charlie, roll for persuasion.”

Charlie winked, pulled out a dice, and rolled it on the table.

“20.” perks of having friends above. When you lose all rational thoughts in the dead of night, somebody's making sure you don't get your ass murdered.

“Ah, fuck.” Schlatt groaned. “Fine, I’ll buy you one.”

Tommy grinned and leaned against a wall. “And that my friend is how you win friends and influence people.”

Wilbur smacked him on the head. “Oh please, I bet you’ve never even read the book.”

“Ow!” Tommy rubbed his head. “Bully. Big Q! Sirens bullying me!”

Quackity nervously looked back and forth between the two. “Uh,” he said tugging at his collar, “What am I supposed to do?”

“Buy me a real gun.”

Wilbur hit him in the arm this time. “Nobody is buying you a gun on my watch.”

Tommy looked at Charlie, who pulled out his dice again like a true Chad committed to a bit, but Wilbur stopped him. “Nuh-uh. Uno reverse,” he said, breaking the table Charlie was rolling on. 

Everyone ignored the broken table.

Schlatt threw his arms around Tommy. “Listen, kid, having a gun is nice, but do you know how to shoot one? That’s way more important.”

Tommy wiggled his eyebrows. “Just ask Big Q over there how good of a shot I am.” Schlatt looked over. Quackity grimaced and solemnly nodded. 

“He sniped the number one hero with a Nerf gun.” He confessed begrudgingly.

Schlatt whistled. “Remind me to take you to the shooting range sometime.”

Wilbur pulled the two apart. “No one is going to the shooting range. Tommy’s banned from using guns on my watch.”

Tommy pouted. “But why.”

“You’re already too dangerous with that cast iron skillet.”

“Okay fair.”

Schlatt flashed him a winning smile and winked behind Wilbur’s back, which told Tommy he should probably expect a suit and a gun package at his front door tomorrow.

Fuck yeah. Free shit.

Charlie checked his goopy watch and threw Tommy his dice which he caught with one hand.

“It’s been really fun and you can keep these, I gotta head out if I wanna finish collecting some less-than-legal items for the sake of capitalism.”

“Thanks for contributing to the bit man,” Tommy metaphorically tipped his hat to him, “True dedication right there.”

Charlie sent him a goopy wave to him and the rest of the room. “No problem, anytime, peace!”

Wilbur watched him walk out of the room. “I like that guy, he once did a southern accent with me for 2 hours straight on a whim.”

Quackity poured another glass of wine. “Yeah, my go-to bit guy. The professional pun guy of the house. Won’t find any other like him.”

Tommy saluted the direction in which Charlie left. “Where’s all the slime from though.” He wondered aloud.

Schlatt snorted. “You don’t wanna know.” He put his bottle down. “But what you do wanna know is he’s got mason jars full of that shit in case you’re interested in buying. Claims it has many uses.”

Quackity coughed. “He could sell you bath water if he wanted to honestly.”

Wilbur waved them off. “Yeah yeah whatever, enough praising him I want to

gamble.”

14 rounds of Texas Hold 'em, 10 rounds of Blackjack, and 15 other miscellaneous gambling games later, Tommy sat leaning back on his chair crossing one leg over the other and laughing evilly at the now moneyless cleaned-out men in front of him.

“This is ridiculous! This is outrageous! How the fuck did you flip a coin on heads 14 times in a row?!” Schlatt shouted, waving his arms around.

Quackity cried softly in the corner, cradling his bottle of wine. “Mi pobre dinero. Este niño es un diablo.”

Wilbur was the only one who was resigned to his fate. Which was funny, seeing how he lost the most money. He leaned forward and rested his head on his hands with a sigh.

“I gotta ask, how did you beat us so many times? Big Q is the king of cheating and dumb luck, yet you manage to get 5,000 out of him.”

Tommy took off the sunglasses that he put on halfway through to look cool.

“It’s called needing to pay tuition somehow.”

Schlatt leaned back with an exasperated noise. “There’s no fucking way you pay tuition with gambling.”

Tommy shrugged. “When the job doesn’t cover all the expenses I gotta get creative. I’m banned from like 4 different casinos though so I can’t do it often. True story.”

Quackity lifted his head. “You’re banned from las Nevadas.” Tommy laughed. 

“Yolo.”

Schlatt absentmindedly shuffled the card deck. “Seriously what the fuck did you do?”

Tommy started counting the comically large stack of chips by his side. “Oh, that's easy. It’s nighttime.”

Wilbur made a ‘go on’ motion.

“See it’s because Lady Luck is Salon Besties with the Night and Death. I just call on a few favors because they love me.”

Schlatt made an ‘ah’ shape with his mouth and patted Tommy on the shoulder. “It’s ok if you’re wasted, I figured you’d be a lightweight.”

Wilbur threw back another cup. “Cheers to that virgin liver.”

Tommy smacked his forehead. “There is nothing worse in the world than drunk men at night.” He muttered. No one will believe him. Or them for that matter.

An awkward silence carried through as Tommy counted the rest of his chips.

“53,069$. Cough up.”

“Fucking hell man.”

“I have Venmo.”

Wilbur nodded. “A wins a win,” he said as he pulled out his phone to send the money.

Schlatt reached over to double-count the money. “Where the hell did the 69 come from?!”

“Random number generator, if you can believe it.”

Wilbur sent the money while Tommy looked over at his screen like a little nosy bitch. The guy had a pretty normal-looking phone if you could believe it. Other than the fact he had multiple clickbait ad games, you wouldn't suspect it was the phone of a villain.

“So what did you end up doing with the wax statue I made,” Tommy pondered aloud. Quackity was drunk enough that he swung his arms around Tommy without fear. Small wonders he supposes.

“That was you? I saw Big Boy over there put it in his office. It’s so atrocious. I love it. Can you make me one of me?”

Tommy passed him the Venmo account. “Hell, why not.”

Schlatt watched the transaction with amused interest. “Why are we buying wax statues? Cmon. At least have the common sense to get one of the David statues.”

Tommy side-eyed him with a raised eyebrow. “The naked one?”

“Yes.”

“Ah.”

The silence that followed while everyone was exchanging money digitally was extremely awkward.

Pppppssssssttttt

Wilbur coughed. “So how about we chuck some empty bottles out the window at passing cars-”

PST.

“Shhhhhh!” Tommy shushed him by covering his mouth. The atrocious bitch licked his mouth but Tommy was too distracted to care. “Do you hear that?”

Schlatt raised an eyebrow. “Too much to drink? If you wanna pass out on the couch, I'm not promising we’ll let you sleep in peace-”

“Sh-shush!” Tommy furrowed his eyebrows. “Someone's calling me,” he says. He's got an inkling of suspicion as to what he's hearing but the men all around him were drunk anyway so he doubts they'll remember this.

“Oh great, he's finally lost his marbles. You guys pushed him over.” Quackity complained, cleaning a glass cup with a towel he found in the seemingly never-ending bar storage.

Tommy wandered to the other side of the room where a mediocre-looking window that most definitely was a fire hazard. He opened the window up to the confusion of the drunk men behind him. He looked out to the sky and it just so happened that the big bright white circle was a full moon.

“You rang?” He quirked an eyebrow. The night usually kept to itself and was very shy, so something must be important if he could hear it with other people who had at least 6 hours of sleep.

“What the fuck is he yapping about.” Quackity slurred, leaning into Wilbur to invade every personal space the other has. Neither seemed to care, too busy watching the events unfold.

Tttttttoooooooo-mmeeeeeeeeyyyyy a female voice sang quietly.

“Bruh I’m here I’m listening, what.” Tommy crossed his arms. Here he looks like a crazy person and the creepy sing-song voice doesn’t help his case.

“Who you talking to there buddy?” Wilbur quirked happily. Like the happy drunk he is.

“The Night. Now shut up, she’s shy,” he explained impatiently. He’s in the middle of something for goodness’ sake.

Yoooooouurr beingggg caaaaaalled

“Called? Called by who?” He said ignoring the confused and probably not as concerned as they should be background comments. He’s used to it. Sadly. More importantly, he's not running some magic phone call system so it begs the question of who’s calling.

Cliccccckbaiterssssss

The voice paused

They muuuuust beee

The wind whipped around harshly through the window and blew the curtains away. The three villains behind him dropped asleep. They’ll be fine. Wilbur starts snoring.  He thinks. More importantly-

Taken care oooooof

“Ah.” 

Tommy’s not dumb. Contrary to popular belief. He’s heard plenty of rumors around his side of the city about him being an eldritch horror entity (fair) and taking out people who disrupt the silence at night. (Somewhat true) Even more of him being some sandman or whatever. He’s not a sandcruncher. That’s Siren. But The Night thinks it’s funny and loves feeding more rumors despite his protest.

But it makes sense that there would be someone trying to do one of those clickbait 2 am pranks, thinking it wouldn’t work. The Night has a terrible sense of humor and the poor victims are about to find out how terrible it is.

Then again, she also tends to do things like this to people she doesn’t like. People who disrupt the Night are the sort of thing the rumors say he takes out. He would never let people ruin the ambiance if given an option. 

And here it is.

“Alright.” He said, sitting down on the floor with his legs crossed and arms folded, “I’ll take care of it. But you gotta help a little if you want it done right.”

Oooooof couuuurse she giggled like a small child.

The sound of a finger snap rang echoed in his mind and Tommy blinked.

One second he was sitting on concrete, the next he was sitting in the middle of what looked like a summoning circle, complete with candles and ambient lighting.

“WHAT THE FUUUUU-“

“I TOLD YOU IT WOULD WORK-“

“HOLY SHIT ARE YOU SEEING THAT-“

Despite this being a comedy, Tommy has to respect how dramatic and angsty Night could be. He’s dressed in long layered glimmering robes that look like the night sky and he could feel his cast iron skillet tied to his waist. Lots of little things hung from everywhere from head to toe and his hair was probably looking better than how it normally looks. Still crossed-legged, misty smoke spanned around him, putting out the candles before hanging in the air. Freaking theatrics man. He feels like an anime character, damn it. Or worse. He’s turned into a cringy high schooler’s OC. Except it’s the Night’s.

Well, it could be worse. At least he doesn’t have cat ears.

Wait. She wouldn’t.

He raised his arm and tried to find the opening for his hand under all the layers of clothing. His hand appeared and he patted the top of his head. 

Good. No ears. But he’s felt some sort of crown and has a feeling he’s covered in silver jewelry. 

Guess the Night felt like playing dress up. Ugh. women. Slash pos.

Tuning back into the present, there seems to be multiple people running around like headless chickens in the room. The doors seem to be locked and the only lighting is coming from him, a silvery glow. Neat. To be fair, if he was a normal person who summoned something without realizing it would work and got an eldritch god looking thing, he would be panicking too.

“ Who hast summoned me ,” He asked, seeing how it’s a reasonable thing to ask when you’ve been summoned. His voice sounded like it echoed, which just added to the dramatics even more.

“KARL WHAT THE HELL I DIDN'T ACTUALLY WANT YOU TO SUMMON ANYTHING-“

Some guy dressed in white with  flame-patterned pjs is yelling at another guy in purple. It would seem like just another old guy sleepover until the other two caught his eye.

One of them looked suspiciously familiar and using his amazing powers of deduction he realized that the guy in the green hoodie was that Hero Dream from the first story. (The Night's ability to break the fourth wall is rubbing off of him and he is feeling very uncomfortable-)

Anyways, said Hero jumped into the arms of the 4th guy in blue pjs wearing glasses. And they were both yelling.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-“ 

“AEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-“

Yeah that yelling was getting annoying. Tommy got up, dusted, and straightened his robes,(he didn’t want to trip on them seeing how that would ruin the mood) and approached the two in each other's arms. 

“ Silence mortals .” He boomed, cause it was fucking hilarious. If the Night wanted entertainment, he was going to give it to her. 

The two silenced immediately, but the one in blue looked like a whiner and seemed like the first to fall asleep in a sleepover, so Tommy decided to do him a favor.

Grabbing his cast iron skillet whilst staring them in the eyes, he threw it across the room, watching in amusement as the now overpowered item wreaked havoc on the room and left a trail of mess, before hitting the guy square on the head with a satisfying ringing sound. The guy’s eyes widened and he shook like a cartoon character for a second before dropping to the ground. The Hero, who was still in the other’s arms, also fell to the floor with a yelp.

“ Sweet Dreams. Return to me .” 

Tommy figured if he makes bullshit up it’ll be in his favor. No matter how cringy it sounded, even to him. but what do you know, his cast iron skillet flew back to him. He caught it with one hand. Like a badass. And Sweet Dreams is a total kickass name for his cast iron skillet. Man, he’s good at this. It's like roleplay but he’s the DM.

The three still awake men trembled in awe and probably fear at him. Which makes sense, since he just hit their friend with a hunk of metal.

“The rumors are true?!” The flame guy said like a nonbeliever. The other two seemed kinda mad at him so they seemed to be blaming him. Huh.

“Sapnap, this is all your fault!” Dream whispered angrily as if Tommy couldn’t hear him. 

“What do you mean? How was I supposed to know there really was some entity going around making people sleep?! Karl’s the skeptic, not me!” Sapnap whispered back just as angrily.

“I literally told you about the time I was fighting and got hit! You know I never get tired, that wasn’t normal!”

Ah. It’s a simple case of a nonbeliever, a witness, and a skeptic. He can deal with this. He slowly approached the corner they were huddled in while they continued to argue.

“You told me that was some barista!”

“There’s something unnerving about him though! He can't possibly be human!”

“Relax! Even if he isn’t, I pulled the panic button, help is on the way!”

“Idiot! The organization will find out I’m having a sleepover as a grown man playing with summoning circles!”

“Uh, guys?” Karl said weakly, looking up at Tommy who got so close to them he was looming on top of them, “He’s right here.”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-“

Bonk

Tommy took them out one by one with his skillet, starting with the skeptic, who probably was the one with the idea. Then he took out the nonbeliever who attempted to fight back but the sheer presence of power Tommy was borrowing drowned out whatever the guy was trying to do. Lastly, he leaned close to the hero, got all up in the guys personal space and tried to keep a straight face. 

“ If you dare to test me a third time It shall be your last. ”

There. Edgy sounding sentence. That ought to have checked all the boxes for a cringy high schooler OC character.

The hero guy didn’t seem very heroic when Tommy hit him square in the chest with a skillet, knocking him out. They should all stay asleep til morning, lucky them. 

The still-glowing smoke started pushing him back toward the center of the summoning circle like an excited child. 

“W-wha-“ he said, cringing at how weird that sounded with an echo. Without the screaming, he could hear police sirens outside that seemed to be getting closer.

“Oh.” He said aloud. “Those idiots called the police.”

Wasn’t one of them a hero? Have they no shame? Who’s going to believe them?

Well, sounds like a them problem. He placed himself in the center of the circle and the smoke circled the drawing on the floor but nothing else happened. 

“Uh, Night?” He called aloud hesitantly. She’s playing tricks on him. He can’t act like he’s falling for it. “Can I go now?”

No response but he did hear a giggle faintly in between all the police sirens. He jumped when a loud banging came from the door. 

“Police! Open up!”

Right. She wants the police to see him. Bruh. Obligatory spreading rumors. He sighs as the police break down the door and 3 police officers with drawn weapons enter the room to see it in shambles with 4 unconscious men in pjs and a Tommy waving goodbye to them. The smoke surrounds him and he disappears in a flash of light.

“Did you see-“

“I have no idea-“

“What just happened?”

Can we get an o7 to these underpaid police officers who cannot compete with this bullshit?

Tommy returned to where he was sitting before the Night whisked him away, luckily without all the crazy clothes and jewelry cause that would have been hard to explain. The villains were still sleeping for who knows how long he was gone, but they all began to come to their senses when he arrived.

“Gyaaahh- wha-” Schlatt stuttered. 

“T-Tommy?” Wilbur rolled up from where he was lying on Quackity. “Why are you on the floor? Wait, did I hear you talk to someone?”

Tommy rolled his eyes. It’s time for his getaway. “No one, I spiked your drinks, you’re all high.”

“What-”

Tommy got up from the floor and Yawned. The contagious kind of yawning to make the others sleepy. He wants this night over already. “I don’t know about you but I have nothing of importance to do for the next 24 hours so I’m off to take the longest sleep of my life.”

Tommy sent a peace sign and walked away from the still-drunk and confused guys. “Now how the fuck do I get out,” he muttered, getting into the elevator.

Causing Chaos for the Night was something he never really figured would look good in a resume. He’s got to keep his eldritch activities to a low and his sleep up if he doesn’t want to give the Night any more ideas. Or make his companions suspicious. Or just be able to sleep well. Whatever, that’s a Morning Tommy™  problem.

“Good night, Night.” He muttered, walking out the metal door into the empty alleyway. Better call an Uber because he has no idea where the fuck he is. 

 The bustling road reflected the sky from the rain puddles. Despite the light pollution, the stars twinkled back at him brightly as he made his way to a bus stop.

Goooood night Tommy 

Chapter Text

ok people so i got an idea.

you guys want more of Night!Tommy content.

i wanna keep writing cause it's fun lol.

I've decided that I will make multiple little short stories in the next story. the thing is I want to know what YOU guys want to see. what interactions, what problems, and what funny things can happen. you guys fuel half the story's ideas anyways, I can SEE you all plotting and scheming from here.

Since AO3 isn't exactly the greatest communication I have created a Google doc where you can add your ideas and prompts of what you wanna see. if you are unable to put it there, you can always write in the comment section, and ill add it manually.

i hope I don't sound desperate for ideas (I'm not I have plenty dw) but I want to know what you guys will love to see to spread the fun around :)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-wGBH-jX8sONxojINyg0U9lZrwAcwonGv1itLRbNDHU/edit?usp=sharing

^let me know if this doesn't work because technology cannot be trusted to work first try lmao