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When Maomao wakes, it’s with a splitting headache. She presses a hand to her forehead, brushing back her bangs.
Her temperature is no warmer than is normal, so it’s not a fever.
Climbing out of bed makes the room tilt around her and she pauses for a moment, leaning heavily against the bed pillar as she fights not to puke.
What’s wrong with me?
A slow-acting poison is a possibility, though she’s built up an immunity to most. The idea should excite her. It’s been a long time since she tasted poison, but this doesn’t seem like poison.
Still sleeping, Jinshi murmurs something into the pillows and stirs, but he doesn’t wake.
It’s been… it’s been some time since she bled last. She had thought it was simply late, but… combined with the morning sickness…
Could… Could she…?
She claps a hand over her mouth as yet another bout of nausea washes over her.
She can’t be pregnant.
Can she?
“Maomao?” Jinshi stirs again and Maomao glances back to see him peering at her from beneath his bangs.
“Go back to sleep,” she says. He doesn’t look entirely awake yet, so she hopes he’ll simply fall back asleep and forget about this moment by the morning.
She can’t be certain that she’s… pregnant and, until she is, she doesn’t want to raise his hopes or alarm him.
They’ve discussed children before. It’s something they’re both open to, but… later. Certainly not now.
And, while she knows that their precautions had not been a failsafe, this still has managed to take her by surprise.
Jinshi, to her dismay, does not go back to sleep. Instead, he sits upright, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she says a little too quickly.
“You don’t look well.” Her attempts at throwing him off have only made him more alert.
“I’m fine.” She’s not quite ready to accept defeat, but she still throws him a bone. “I have a bit of a headache. That’s all. I’m sure all I need is some water.”
“I’ll get some for you,” Jinshi is quick to offer.
“No.” Maomao is just as quick to refuse. Though they’ve settled into their relationship quite comfortably, she doesn’t like the idea of being thought of as too weak to do something as mundane as get herself some water.
But the moment she tries to take a step, the room tips on its axis and she’s forced to take a seat on the bed or risk sprawling across the floor.
Since she really doesn’t want to experience that humiliation, she drops back onto the bed.
Jinshi scrambles up, kicking off the blanket, and putting a hand on her shoulder. “I’ll get the water,” he says softly, but without room for argument. He leans forward, his curtain of vibrant hair spilling over his shoulder.
Even just woken from sleep with shadows under his eyes, he’s as beautiful as a celestial nymph.
It’s not fair, she thinks. No mortal should be allowed to be this beautiful. It’s an affront to the gods themselves.
…she really ought to tell him.
He should know. Just in case.
And… she doesn’t want to do this alone if she’s being honest.
Maomao shuts her eyes and takes a deep breath, letting her head fall against Jinshi’s shoulder. He freezes in place. “Maomao?”
“Jinshi?” she says quietly. “I think… I think I’m pregnant.”
Jinshi goes completely still against her. Then he breathes, “What?”
“I might not be,” she’s quick to say. “But… there’s a chance.” She tries to imagine herself with an infant. Then she tries to imagine Jinshi.
He would be devoted, she thinks. Though that part would come after the initial fright had worn off.
The thought brings a smile to her face.
“I…” Jinshi seems to need a moment to collect himself as the revelation washes over him and takes its time to sink in. “Oh.” He pushes his hair back and sucks in a breath. “What can I do?”
“You could get me that water,” she says gently, though she bites her lip to hide a smile.
It doesn’t take him long to bring the water back and she accepts it gratefully. She takes small sips and slowly, not wishing to irritate her nausea anymore.
“I guess this means I can’t experiment with poisons anymore,” she says after a moment.
Jinshi chokes beside her. “That’s what you're worried about?” His voice sounds slightly strangled.
Well… yes, because she’s always concerned with poisons, but she can’t exactly continue with those experiments as she is now.
Maomao glances at him. His face has gone white and he still looks shell-shocked by the revelation.
Without saying a word, she pats him on the shoulder.
“Lie down,” he says. “You still look miserable.” He pats his thigh and she obliges him, lying down with her head in his lap. He immediately begins carding his fingers through her hair.
It feels impossibly good and Maomao’s eyes flutter shut.
“Are we ready for this?” he asks eventually.
She opens her eyes again and looks at him. She doesn’t answer him, not at first. Then slowly, she says, “We don’t know for sure yet that it’s a pregnancy.”
Which is true.
She could simply be late this month. Her headache and nausea could simply be a passing virus.
But together they’re indicative of something more.
Maomao is not the type to jump to conclusions, but she also isn’t the type to ignore the evidence that is right before her eyes.
In this case, that evidence is her own body.
“But it’s likely,” he presses because he knows this about her. If she says she might be pregnant, chances are high that she’s right.
She nods slowly, breathing deeply. “Yes.”
A calmness is settling over her, completely at odds with Jinshi’s nerves. Maybe because of his nerves. But she’s not exactly prone to panic.
There’s no point. Not when there isn’t anything she can do to change it.
And a child isn’t a bad thing.
“So…” Jinshi says.
Maomao thinks back to his original question. Are they truly ready for this? She thinks that might be an impossible question to answer.
“I don’t know,” she says softly. There’s no bump yet and there won’t be for a while yet, but she rests her hand over her abdomen. “I think it only matters that we try, right?”
Jinshi doesn’t look entirely satisfied with her answer, which isn’t something she can fault him for when she herself feels the same way, but she doesn’t think there’s any other answer she can give.
In theory, she knows how to look after a child. She’s treated infants in the past. She knows what to avoid feeding them. She knows what foods she needs to avoid because they could potentially harm the developing fetus.
But it’s always been as an outsider and never as some experiencing these things for herself.
It isn’t just about physical needs. There are psychological needs to consider as well.
“Maomao.” She glances back up at him and finds that his expression has grown serious. He takes her hand in his and his thumb brushes over her knuckles. It isn’t unlike him to be so earnest when they’re alone together, but she wonders what brought about this shift when he had seemed so uncertain only moments earlier. “I… I want you to know that I’m happy to be walking this path with you. Wherever it leads.”
Her heart flutters in her chest and a warmth spreads throughout her body. She swallows the lump that rises in her throat and nods. “Me too.”
It’s not something that she would have ever imagined herself saying once upon a time, but her relationship with Jinshi has evolved along with herself.
For better or for worse.