Archive of Our Own

Fighting the Lightwardens was a song and dance that Ahn’zem would never learn, even after nearly a century of fighting them. As a young kitten, he had been a skillful dancer- before attempting to master red magic- subsequently losing his ability to channel aether into casting and eventually settling on channeling his inner turmoil into becoming a dark knight. So, despite his musicality and technical prowess when it came to following a rhythm, beings made of Primordial Light always changed the beat at the worst time.

So, as the next Lightwarden was felled, Ahn felt his breath coming out in short gasps, his knees buckling a little as he struggled to get his bearings. He had hardly made it through the deadly duet with the beast- an embarrassing display after he had essentially forced Lillith to let him take on the Light-filled beast, not wanting her to overexert herself after defeating the previous two Lightwardens. 

His side was burning with a newfound injury and keeping it from the others was now going to prove difficult. To ensure he could keep up his façade a little longer, he had actively failed to block an attack as it swung, the thick claws of Eros clawing into his ribs, the ivory talons scratching against his own fragile skin and bone. He knew the gash was deep and his ribs were probably fractured, but he thanked twelve for the fact he was wearing his thicker and darker outing clothes as it kept everything rather hidden under the scruffy cloak.  

"I-I have this one." He wheezed slightly before attempting to righten his stance- vision flashing with stars of every colour he could comprehend as he swallowed down a whine. His tail flicked impatiently at himself- his mind berating the brief display of pain.

Just contain the light and go to the Exarch. Minfilia's charm and the Tower will keep me safe the hit was a guise to let pain slip, sloppy footwork, and an excuse to laugh off. They can’t know the truth. Not yet…

Holding a hand gingerly against the blue pearl that was attached to the choker to affirm his trust in his companions, he started to focus on willing the energy of Light to flow into him. While he had been passively absorbing the Light of lesser Sin Eaters through their travels, it had been some time since he did it for anything of this size... 

The last time was when Minfilia... 

Ears twitching, the last of the Light was absorbed into his already breaking soul and after a small pause- it felt like something was snapping inside of him. 

Cracking like glass as his soul splintered and fractured itself more. 

Eyes rolling back slightly, he pulled his great sword forward and used it to steady himself- a clammy sweat gathering on his forehead and upper-lip. 

"Wicked white!" He hissed, resisting the urge to cough. One silly mistake and the Light that was gathering in his mouth would spill over. And all that would do would frighten the twins and his sister...causing both Y'shtola and Thancred to pull them all away from him. 

Away from the monster that was naught but a wolf in sheep's clothing... ever closer to turning into the very things they were hunting. 

The fight he'd had with Thancred 5 years prior skimmed across his vision as panic rose in his chest. His angry words thundering against his skull and dulling all his other senses.

"You absolute fucking fool! You're really thinking about putting Lillith in this kind of danger- even after you failed to help Minfilia 6... 6 fucking times? All you do is bring calamity upon those who dare to trust you with their lives. First it was Haurchefant and now... now you want to bring your sister down with you…” He started daggers, piercing to Ahn’zem’s very soul. “I can't believe you, Ahn'zem. I guess I was right in the end- you really are a monster, inside and out."

Fray rumbled angrily under his skin- breaking the miqo’te from his dark thoughts by distracting him. This was achieved by the reflection scolding him inwardly for not looking after himself as this was their only vessel. A small shake of his head and Ahn'zem knew that Fray had always hated how 'selfless' he had gotten over the last century. Especially more so since the others had arrived.

Now, now Fray. You helped me fight too- so I’m not the only one to blame... You know we're still strong. I can keep going- and I won't leave you to clean up my mess this time. 

A snort echoed in his brain that signified the end of their conversation and Ahn’zem soon realised that Lillith was in front of his face. Her mouth was moving but he couldn't hear much over the constant noise of Primordial Light ringing in his ears. 

Forcing the Light down his throat- a disgusting thick ichor with a foul taste- he quirked his brow. 

"I'm sorry, I'm afraid I didn't quite catch that, Sister mine?" 

Keeping a steady gaze on Lillith before him, made his heart ache. He felt the thrum of Light under her skin and saw as it wrapped around her brilliant soul… The way it could- would twist her very being like his own. He didn’t want her to suffer because he was too weak, because he had ruined what should’ve been a sure victory with a Warrior at the helm. With the night now returning above them, she turned to him and he saw her eyes flicker with her concern and worry, and that drove the proverbial knife even further into his stomach.

After all, he was putting her through, she didn’t have to be so worried… so caring.

“You’d think with ears as big as yours you’d be better at listening.” She quipped as she rolled her eyes at him. Ahn’zem’s tail flickered- this time with a faux annoyance. The air cleared a little between them and for a moment he could breathe a little easier. Deep down, he knew they were both playing at the charade that nothing was wrong, and that everything was okay despite the time they had been apart. But, he could feel Lillith was practically bursting with questions he could not answer. Not yet… Not while he was still a liability to her. So for now, he would bask in the fragile camaraderie they shared.

Once the Light is gone, and my plan is successful- you won’t be left wanting for an explanation, even if I am not there to give it to you, I promise.

The whistle to summon Sessamaru pierced the air around his thoughts and Ahn looked up at his sister, still somewhat confused.

“I said, you look dead on your feet, Little Claw.” She ruffled his hair a bit in a way she hadn’t done for months (a touch he sorely missed). “Come on, he’ll bare you back to the tower. I can handle things here, but I saw you got hit during your fight. So, while I’d love to have you here with us, you should go back and get looked over. I know you only let the Exarch study your wounds.” Her voice was soft but clipped despite the attempts at banter Ahn’zem gathered that he had lost his touch with acting as if she was summoning one of her mounts to transport him. His face must look as tired as he felt.

Nonetheless, relief flooded through him. To not have to stumble to an amaro and struggle on that flight to keep it on course… He didn’t deserve his sister in the end.

Masking a wave of pain behind a cough he made sure to wipe his mouth (relieved when he didn’t see any Light) and winced as he turned to the mighty wolf. A sudden wave and want to argue washed over him. An urge to explain that he didn’t actually want to potentially dirty such pristine fur and unsettle the ancient wolf, so he should simply settle with an amaro. But before he could mumble out a proper excuse Lillith cut across him again, her tone desperate and pleading. “You’ve done most of the work. Trust me to do this for you, yeah?” She paused then, genuine concern settling upon her dirty brow before murmuring amusedly, “Or I’ll tell the Exarch on you, so you have to sit through one of his lectures again .”

Stammering slightly, Ahn’zem’s face burned with embarrassment before he ducked his head to hide himself. “You traitor.” It wasn’t a dig, but filled with warmth when siblings would tease each other, like Alphinaud and Alisaie’s ‘bickering’. After taking in a semi-shallow breath, Ahn forced himself onto the mount, hissing out low before waving away his sisters concerns. “Thanks… Tell the people of Slitherbough that everything is okay now. You helped save them and I’m so proud of you! And tell Runar-” He paused for a moment. The otherwise gentle hrothgar was just as weary of him as Y’shtola and the rest of the Night’s Blessed were, so it was best for him to leave now so everyone wouldn’t be unsettled by his presence. “Tell Runar I am sorry to miss his meal. I’m sure it would’ve been great.”

“Alright, you sulky pragmatist.” She sang back, her teeth flashing fangs in a bright smile that eased his fears somewhat.

With a quirk of his mouth up turning into a slight smile, he waved at his sister. “I’ll see you later then. Be safe, Fuzzy Dragon.”

And with that, the journey began.

☽────✧˖°˖☆˖°˖✧────☾•

As he started returning to the Crystarium on the back of Sessamaru, Ahn’zem started going over the mantra he’d created the third time he’d lost Minfilia to the Wardens. A mantra he had made to keep himself sane and aware in moments of extreme torment by both wounds and Light. 

When fighting, there are four principles I must always follow. One , never involve civilians. Always try and save them first lest they be caught in the crossfire. Two , my body is but a tool for others to use. With the power I both wield and hold back, I can use it to the advantage of all those around me, even if it hurts. 

As they flew over some late afternoon turbulence, he stumbled to gain purchase on the mount, the pulsating pain raiding through his body like a vicious wave. One of his hands came up to his chest and he started to clutch at it- willing the grasp to somehow lessen the storm raging within from engulfing him whole. 

Focus... focus.

Three , people die. It’s a hard fact to swallow, but if I get lost in grief, then they end up dying for naught. I can grieve and make sure I continue to fight for them- I will always avenge them. For those we have lost, and for those we can yet save.

Hearing the wolf’s disgruntled snort made his chest ache more. Mumbling a small apology he loosened his grip on the coarse fur and chose to carefully dig his hand into the thick scruff of his neck instead, taking a few shaky breaths before it seemed to hasten its speed. Almost as if it knew he needed to get back to the Exarch as soon as possible. 

Finally, four , the most important rule. I am expendable. I am not the true Warrior of Light. I may have the Echo, but I am no hero. I am simply fighting to make sure that Lillith and the others can live a better life. Whether I’m there or not. 

The distaste for the final principle always made his heart ache. Deep down he knew that constantly telling himself that he was something to be easily replaced was not healthy (and something that Fray constantly tried to get him to change). But after a century of fighting- of always causing pain to others and failing time and time and fucking time again to save those that he was meant to...

I am a liability. It was a fact even before my immortality became apparent. Back when I died in the Praetorium, maybe I should’ve stayed- 

A flash of pain wound up his spine and made him hunch over the great wolf, clasping a hand tightly around his mouth as he started to cough. He was more worried about getting Light on the poor creature beneath him than his own clothes. Though with the wound that was still seeping sluggishly beneath his cloak, he gathered both he and his current ride were somewhat sodden with the disgusting concoction that was his tainted blood.

“Sorry… I might have stained… stained your fur.” He mumbled behind his hand with great difficulty.

Wicked white… Lilith is going to murder me for getting her mount dirty because I failed to tell her how hurt I was. I hope she won’t be too worried for me right now…  She deserves a break. Maybe Sessamaru will accept an offering in kind to apologise for my misdeeds.

Fuck...

He hoped the ride wouldn’t take much longer. 

☽────✧˖°˖☆˖°˖✧────☾•

Seemingly having the Great Serpent on his side, Ahn’zem arrived at the Crystarium not a bell too soon. He stumbled off the wolf, biting his lip so hard to stifle a cry that his fang punctured the plump flesh. Some of the guards nearby gave him a concerned look and he wearily waved him off, petting the head of Sessamaru before mumbling that he was off to see the Exarch and brief him of his and his companion's progress.


“Return to Lillith now… I can make it from here.”


With a disgruntled snort and a shake of it’s fur, the beast disappeared into the sky, it’s fur seemingly clean- much to the miqo’te’s relief.

And with that worry quelled, came the next hurdle.. the stairs leading up to the Tower. 

Letting out a little whine while no one was around him, he felt his head spin at the effort of clambering up each stone step. 

I adore him, but I will always hate him for making me agree to this many steps. Were we so lost in the grandeur of design that we forgot that after so many years, our bones would come to hate us for extending this much effort after missions? 

Holding his side, he went to lift his leg to start the climb and found himself stumbling into the stone banister, hissing and feeling his mind momentarily blackout as the pain became white hot. The sweat on his brow doubled and Ahn could feel the pressure in his soul growing tighter. 

He couldn’t- wouldn’t turn into a Sin Eater. He was strong. It was just some Primordial Light for fuck sake! After being corrupted for so many years, surely he could hold onto a little more- last a bit longer until he could witness Lillith saving this realm and in turn- the Source?

“-?” 

Blinking a few times, the Miqo’te tried to clear his vision, but it failed to fully regain his sight. Voices rang out around him, rife with concern and a familiar bark of orders. It wasn’t until a blurry mass of black, white, red, and blue was close to him- a cool crystal hand touching his burning skin, that he realised who was now trying to get his attention. 

He was home, and a small slither of his strength returned from his own bond with the crystal structure. The powerful thrum of the Tower running through his veins pulsated in his own- a calming thrum that stilled his anxious heart a little. 

“E-Exarch,” He breathed with a newfound repose.

“The guards saw you stumble and sent for me after you failed to respond to their questions.” His voice was terse and Ahn guessed that if he could see, his lover's gorgeous eyes, they would be rife with concern- a concern that added a hint of sorrow that appeared more and more every time he looked upon his love.

Wrapping his flesh hand around Ahn’zem’s waist to support him, the dark knight hissed, stars blooming in his vision and his knees buckling as the mage accidentally put too much pressure on the open wound to his side. He used the wall to help capture himself, his ears laying flat against his head in trepidation- tail hanging low between his legs. 

“Ahn’zem?!” 

Taking a few moments to choke back bile and Light, he was finally able to clear the dancing spots in his vision. “S-Sorry... W-Wound on my... side. Got hit… Hurts!” 

“I see... I’ll be careful this time. My apologies for not noticing before now.” 

Hearing G’raha apologise made the guilt twist in his gut, but he held off from responding until they were in the closed quarters of the Ocular. It took them almost half a bell to climb all the steps, but eventually, Ahn tipped forward, letting himself fall to the steps at the back of the room and letting out the pained yelps he’d been forcing down the whole time as every breath became labored. 

“I’m sorry.” He cried out, his heart pounding painfully in time with the throbbing behind his eyes. 

“ Sune in ba-um .” G’raha soothed as he crouched down before him- the use of his fae pet name bringing Ahn a moment of peace. “You may have wanted to fight the Light Warden to protect Lillith and absorb its Light, but why are you apologising for getting hurt?” He paused for a moment, holding up his hands to ask if Ahn’zem needed help with undressing his upper half, and after a nod from Ahn’zem, he started unwinding the cape to reveal the grizzly wound. “I know you worry for my aether, but after a century of patching you up I really don’t-” He cut off briefly as Ahn felt the cool air finally make contact against his torso. G’raha’s voice broke in pitch as he fumbled to pull his staff closer. “Wicked white! How did you survive your journey back with this?” 

Looking down, Ahn’zem choked on his own breath (thankful for the moment that it wasn’t Light). His left side just barely above his hip and up to his ribs was gouged deeply. Blood poisoned with Light was now freely bleeding having been let out of the flimsy confines of its cloth prison, the rest of the skin around it was swollen and dark- clearly not just a wound one could simply walk off…

“This...” G’raha’s voice quivered as he pulled himself closer- bringing Ahn’zem to him gingerly and making sure he sat with his lover’s back against him. “Ahn’zem, this wound is near fatal . I know you’ve come back from wounds like this before, but-”

Trying to suppress a cough, Ahn ran a hand through his own fringe- cringing slightly at how matted it was as sweat and moisture of the lush Rak’tika forest clung to it. “It’s... you know what this is.” He had to try and take a deep breath- the trembling that had started to settle in his hands was now spreading up to his shoulders and down his spine. “Despite being immortal from Hydaelyn, it was my frankly idiotic decision of drinking the blood of a mad tyrant prince that caused my aether to warp with his resonant and merge with the resonant that had already poisoned my blood from when I was reduced to Garlean Experimentation by my mother. I.. mortal wounds can’t kill me. My blood has made me unkillable.” Taking a moment to rasp through his words, Ahn’zem continued. “R-Raha, I’ve... I’ve admitted this to you before, why do you act like it’s new news?” 

“Because I still find it hard to believe. Not what you did or your past... we’ve talked about that decision at length.” The mage’s hands cradled him closer before he carried on. “It’s the fact that I know you should’ve died halfway back from The Greatwood to here and... no one stopped you from going? Not even Lillith?” G’raha gently hovered his hand above the wound, his ears flicking back with sadness as he tilted his head down slightly letting aether thrum underneath his fingertips- the Tower glowing ever so slightly brighter as it channeled more power through its Keeper. 

Looking away from him, Ahn’zem decided to keep his gaze on his hands instead. Now free of their gloves he let himself become lost in their crystalline appearance. His right arm was far worse than his left;  the crystal reaching to his elbow while his other was only at his fingertips- but steadily growing. “They know I was hit, but I didn’t tell them how bad it was. I took the Light and told them to check on the people of Slitherbough... I let them know I’d come here to... debrief you and get healing. I’m sure Runar and the others would rather celebrate in peace than-” He had to stop talking as more pain shot through him like he had taken a Monk’s punch to the gut. Soft cries left chapped lips and Ahn could once again taste his own blood as he attempted to bite down on them. 

“I’m sorry Sune in ba-um. I always hate how much pain this causes you... Please remember, it will help with keeping the Light at bay. By sealing the wound, we can also renew the seal the Tower gave you...” 

“I-I,” Ahn’zem went to respond but one particular wave of aetheric charge made his back arch against the Exarch in a near bone-breaking twist- his body feeling as if it was snapping and breaking from deep within. Light flooded his mouth and he started to choke, rivulets dribbling down his chin as his eyes rolled back in his head. With how agonizing each wave of pain was as the Tower and the Exarch worked to seal the bane in his soul, Ahn briefly thought that this was how he would finally die. In the arms of his lover as the others were probably celebrating their hard-won victory in the Greatwood, enjoying a hearty meal he would never be able to taste. The dark knight could hear G’raha whispering, his voice breaking further as he gently rocked Ahn’zem back and forth when the pain and spell reached a crescendo, tearing a gut-wrenching scream from the shorter male, gargled and wet as he still couldn’t keep down the Light. Crystal began to blossom across the wound, sealing it as if it was being cauterized... 

With another brilliant flash, the crystal solidified and spread from just behind his back- wrapping around his hip and up to where the wound finished- half an ilm above his ribs. It was wide... but the wound had been healed- the seal restored and the soul-splitting pain receded back to the constant dull ache that Ahn had grown accustomed to.

Slowly but surely, the dark knight’s choked attempts at breathing turned wheezy as he could finally breathe again. Though after a few seconds, he turned his head to the side and promptly threw up more Light onto the ground, the sound a vile squelch interlaced with his hiccuping sobs. 

“You did it.. as I knew you would.” G’raha pulled him back to his chest, not caring as his love continued to hack and force up all the Light he’d been trying to keep down. Clothes could be washed and replaced, Ahn’s comfort was fragile and he needed a tether to this reality lest he be lost within his own mind again. The mage was aware that this was a pain not even his lover’s dark reflection could handle- often retreating to the furthest recesses of his mind to save himself.

Weakly clutching to the front of his robes, Ahn’zem breathed in as best he could between heavy heaves, letting his other senses become filled with the comforting scent that was G’raha Tia- The All Powerful Exarch. It always began with the soft aroma of lavender from the lilac Forrests of Lakeland, the hint of parchment interlaced with harcot ink from having to fill out too many forms for trade and bookkeeping alike... and the one scent he always adored, that of the sweet asylum flower. True to its name, it always made Ahn’zem feel safe and protected- like he could be granted a semblance of peace away from his endless struggles in those strong and loving arms. Even the soul of the mage burned bright behind Ahn’zem’s closed eyes- the beautiful red and orange- flecked with aqua and gold. He loved watching it dance around his body before seeping its love into his own dulled and twisted one.

“I’m sorry, isne fil-um! It won’t happen again-” Ahn tried to cover his mouth, his tail wrapping around the man before him as a silent apology for the mess he was creating between them. 

G’raha pulled him close peppering kisses on the top of his sweat-soaked crown. “Why must you apologize so? You’re breaking and you keep trying to hold it back... We can always clean up after, focus on yourself first, my love.” 

Seeming to have found a moment to gather himself, the heaving turning into the occasional dry choke- Ahn’zem shook his head, tears of that beautiful cursed ichor flowing down his cheeks. “I caused you... you more pain because... I got hurt...” he shook his head, shoulders heaving as he buried his face closed into his chest. “And all… because I did it on purpose.” 

The pause that stretched out between them lasted almost as long as the century they had lived together. Ahn dared not to look up lest he see disgust and betrayal in those eyes. 

Instead, the broken voice that wobbled out made him wish that he had plummeted into the lands between Rak’tika and Lakeland- into the frigid lake of The Source. 

“Why?” 

Still keeping the Exarch’s now drenched robes in his white-knuckled grasp, Ahn’zem tried to keep his hold from dissociating entirely, aware that without Fray, he would be lost for twelve knew how long. “D-Didn’t want Lillith to find out how bad my corruption was... how deep the degradation went... I-I thought if I let myself get lightly hit by the Warden, that I’d be able to brush off any pain from... from the Light. I-I didn’t know just how hard that hit was... I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Wicked White I just put you through-” 

Mind starting to spiral, Ahn’zem pulled back as if he had been burned, slipping and shaking as he tried to put distance between himself and the Exarch. 

“You used more aether to heal me, you’re going to hurt more too! I should’ve just- but if Lillith finds out- if I can’t- stupid fucking! I just wanted to- n-no I needed to take on the Light- if she died because of me t-then Thancred and Y’shtola were right and I-”

G’raha carefully made an attempt to pull him back- carefully wrapping his arms around Ahn’zem’s torso- above the newly formed crystal wound that was still in its final stages of development. 

“ Sune i isne in ba-um, ” he spoke softly- a small whisper. “I need you to steady that breathing. If you lose yourself now, you could lose yourself to the Tower or to the Light. It will be hard to pull you out of a trance if it’s to the Tower...” 

And being lost to the Light was a death sentence. 

Shaking his head, Ahn tried to pull away, contorting his body to try and escape his loving grasp. It was too soft and considerate, something he didn’t deserve. “I’ll hurt you. It’s all I do... I hurt everyone! I made you suffer because I can’t tell Lillith... I can’t admit I... I...” 

I can’t admit to her that the Light will kill me- turn me into a Lightw Warden she may have to slay instead if I fail to continue to keep this poisonous creature inside of me contained. 

“I thought I could... c-could handle pain. Getting a small hit. Exarch, it was supposed to be a graze, not a gouge!” 

The last part of his sentence was near-screamed as he pulled his knees to his chest, burying his face in his hands and not caring at the twinge of pain that shuddered through his body at the action of the crystal tugging against his freshly healed skin. 

Pain is grounding. Pain means I’m still alive and not losing myself just yet. 

“Please Sune i isne in ba-um . I need you to match my breathing, can you do that for me?” 

With his tone still bursting with love, the mage pulled free Ahn’s right hand and pushed it against the expanse of his own chest- starting to take exaggerated breaths. “My sweet Warrior, can you copy me?” 

Not wanting to hurt him anymore, Ahn’zem nodded eagerly and attempted to match his breaths, sometimes hiccuping or coughing as he tried to steady his racing pulse. His nerves were raw and aching- his emotions were running rampant and he found himself pleading for his love to stay- even when he himself had tried to escape his loving ways.

I can do this- I promise. Please don’t leave me too . Don't hate me like the others do...
 

Yet more time seemed to pass and Ahn’zem was finally back in his body- or best he could after almost losing himself.

“I’m proud of you sune i isne in ba-um. I...” G’raha was now stroking his hair again, Ahn’zem had reassumed the more relaxed position in his lap, looking down at his new addition the growing collection of crystal formations on his body. “I’m not going to say it’s all okay. I’m upset . But not at you specifically- more your actions. I understand your reservation to tell your Sister about how deep the Light is affecting you... but your reckless actions are becoming more numerous and I fear that you keep pushing the boundaries of the powers you’ve been given.” He took a moment- thinking over his words carefully before uttering one question. “I know you still push yourself for the sake of keeping this realm alive... sacrificing more of yourself every time, but I thought we had gotten to the root of the... needing to die to prove yourself. What happened?”

A soft and resigned sigh left Ahn’zem and he pulled the Exarch’s hand down to kiss at the knuckles before letting them resume in the lazy scratching behind his ears. “I... you’re right. I used to think that even though I was failing to be the Warrior of Darkness, that as long as I continue to stop Norvrandt from becoming a wasteland filled with Light- if I kept the hoards from overthrowing what we built... then I would’ve been at least the good person I always wanted to be .” His waist was squeezed and Ahn’zem felt his lip wobble as he forced himself to continue. He owed his love this much at least. “But ever since we accidentally Called the others... I knew there was no other way to prove to them that I wasn’t...” he closed his eyes, resting his own hand on the new crystal, it was still burning and ached, but he didn’t care. 

Stay in the present. Stay with Raha.

“Wasn’t what?” The Exarch patiently prompted. 

“That I wasn’t a fucking monster. ” Ahn spat the words out in one breath, with venom only aimed at himself. “Thancred... I mean- you remember the argument we had- when he heard our plan to get Lillith. He said I only hurt everyone around me. That I should’ve tried harder to protect Minfilia. And guess what, he was right!” Laughter, mania, and melancholy bubbled out of him. “ I failed Minfilia 6 times. 6 reincarnations are dead because of me. I almost killed my sister in a fit of a nightmare because I didn’t lock my door like I usually do. I got my other sister killed because she had to protect me from Him . I-I got Haurchefant killed because he protected me from an attack… All I do, ever since I was fucking born was cause anyone who dared get close to me pain and misfortune.” His breathing hitched and he slammed his fist on the stair in frustration, the high-pitched trill of crystal against marble echoing in the impressive chamber. “I don’t want you, the twins, or Lillith to get killed because of me! You’ve already been hurt by me- using your power to heal me when white magic continues to fail. In the end, all the other Scions continue to be weary of me because of something that happened over a century ago. Because for Lillith, being gutted by the one who promised to protect her is still only recent. They all say I’m dangerous- Y’shtola actively wants me to keep as far away from the rest of the group as much she can. They all treat me like a bomb ready to explode and the worst part is... they have every right to. I always wanted to make them proud of me, ever since they risked their lives to save me from Garlemald. Now I know deep down that I really am just... just...” 

He tried to force it out. To finally lay bare the truth that he had always repeated. The final part of his mantra. 

“ I’m just expendable to them. I’m not worthy of being known as a Warrior of Light or Dark. I deserve this pain that I feel because it’s only a mere fraction of what I’ve put everyone around me through. Why should they treat me with kindness when I really am the bane of their very existence. ” 

The words echoed in his mind and Ahn’zem guessed that the Exarch was trying to process them himself. His own breathing was slightly rugged, the Light still burning in the back of his throat. The dark knight was exhausted- his fingers idly scratching against the crystal formation on his stomach. 

“Have you...” the Exarch began slowly, taking Ahn’s hand away from his hip and clutching it tight. “How long have you been feeling this way?” 

Gaze cast down as a pallid blush of shame dusted his cheeks, Ahn’zem tried to give a noncommittal shrug. “It’s always been in the back of my mind, even you saved me from those students that said much of the same because of my heritage when we were both in Sharlyan, but more so... since the fight in Ala Mhigo when I was still one of the Warriors of Light.” Ahn tried to still his breathing and continued, voice trembling. “Then, you helped me with it as we built the Crystarium, and you showed me that I was capable of having someone love me as you do- so the thoughts got quieter. They never went away, but I could ignore them… they didn’t have any hold on me.” His eyes brimmed with tears once more and Ahn’zem cursed himself internally- he’d cried so much already he was surprised he still had anything left to give. “But with everyone returning- wounds still too new to them and the... Light that is wearing away at me, it all just keeps coming back. And they don’t try to hide just how much they loathe to be around me- only enough for Lillith not to notice. So then I continued to wonder: maybe if I keep telling myself I’m just a mere footnote in their stories, that while I helped them win a battle here and there, I was nothing more than a weapon that will eventually grow too dull and fade out… to be tossed away. If I agree that I am nothing more than what my mother and He tried to make of me, maybe it’ll hurt less when they all celebrate my life’s end...” 

Letting out a wet sigh, G’raha wrapped both arms across Ahn’zem’s chest nuzzling the top of his head. Steadily, Ahn could feel his hair growing wet with tears, his own heart breaking in two. “Oh... my poor light. My dearest radiance. I should’ve asked if you were alright sooner. To see you hurt like this... to willingly take these kinds of injuries and suffering in an aim to quell the fears that others wrongfully judge you for. I am truly sorry.” He squeezed him tight, and Ahn wished that he would increase his grip hard enough that he could morph into that bright soul and be protected from himself and his own pain forever. “While we’ve been together for more than a few lifetimes, I can say with certainty that you have never made me feel unsafe- even with the Light in your soul. You have protected me more times than I care to admit, especially when I was lost in my own power and turmoil... must I remind you of the first time I tried to Call someone again?” 

Ahn’zem tried to shake his head. The day the renowned Crystal Exarch called forth Thancred was the day he almost was lost to the Tower. If Ahn hadn’t been there to pull him back from the Mirror… he could’ve been completely absorbed by the Crystal Tower. The crystal lumps that had formed around Ahn’zem’s eye were a reminder that he had been able to save the love of his life from eternal damnation as nothing more than a spirit of aether and Allagan blood.

G’raha continued to speak, his voice soft and filled with pride and gratitude. “You have also helped me in times where my grief would weigh me down when I too failed those around me... would it be known that I wish I had done more for you before it got to this. I’m sorry that in all my infinite power, I failed to see just how much you were hurting.” 

A choked laugh bubbled out of Ahn as he held onto both of his lover's arms. “I actively avoided telling you. I didn’t want you to see me going backward and be disappointed. That’s why you didn’t see- even with that amazing mirror of yours, Isne fil-um .” Hot tears tainted with Light washed down his face anew. “I’m sorry I didn’t seek you out sooner. I know you said to come to you when it was all getting too loud… But as I said, I was scared. Your love means everything to me and I couldn’t bear even the slightest possibility that you would grow to agree with Thancred and Y’shtola.”

“These things are never seldom easy. You came to me in the end. And for that... I’m thankful but know that their opinion of you will never taint my own. This here is proof of that.” G’raha then started to pepper kisses on his head and drifted down, landing on the thick scar on the back of his neck- where a bonding site lay just above the ribbon seal- a deep but meaningful promise of their love eternal. Kissing it made Ahn draw in a sharp breath an excited shudder flicking down his spine and out of his tail.

“ Isne fil-um, you’ve already made your claim there- it’s held... are you trying to bond me again?” 

“If it will show you that your worth is more than the very mineral from which this Tower was built, then yes. I would do so as many times as it takes for you to see your own value, Sune i isne in ba-um. ” 

With another kiss and a gentle nip to the nape of his neck, Ahn let out a contented sigh, the love, and pride that G’raha felt when he saw him flowing between their bond filling his chest with feeling a warmth he’d forgotten he could feel when he was with him. It made him feel more like his old self again- un-corrupted and un-burdened. Talking frankly with him made his shoulders feel lighter. It was easier to breathe again knowing that his beloved Exarch still loved him. And Ahn’zem let his love and affection flow back making sure his love knew that while he sometimes struggled to express it, he adored the man behind him with every fiber of his being.

Hands sliding up the scarred expanse of his exposed chest, the Exarch made his way around to Ahn’s back, resting them against his scapula. “I wanted to bring this up if it’s alright with you... these wings forming on your back? I know you’ve had them a while, but they’re taking shape even more so than when I last saw them two days ago.”

The exhaustion was beginning to settle deep into his bones, his knees screaming for rest and a long bath. Despite the fog that was trying to settle over his brain Ahn’zem shook his head minutely to dispel it. He could rest soon to recover what little spoons he had remaining. 

“Ah, I thought they had grown- I almost knocked over a rather nice vase in my room in the Pendants with them the other day. I wonder if as my corruption gets worse, I’ll get more like the other Sin-Eaters? I like the crystal instead of the feathers... it means the seals both you and Minfilia put on me are holding.” One of his own hands came to rest on the charm on his choker. He still found it a little amusing that Minfilia had left the back slightly open for the bond site... though at that point she had already known of the relationship between himself and the Exarch. 

She had been overjoyed for him. 

“I’m glad you found some light in the dark world you’ve had to walk, my dearest friend. I hope he continues to be a beacon for you so that you may never forget that you too, are worthy of love.”

“ Isne fil?” Ahn spoke softly once more, his crystal wings laying heavy on his back- he hadn’t tried focusing on the energy to move them yet, but enjoyed the warmth that spread up them as the deft hands of his dearest divine explored them will all the curiosity of a wondrous mage. His lover hummed and extended the wing. “I’m sorry... I really am, for how I’ve been acting and may continue to act in the coming days. I care for you and Lillith so deeply, but it was wrong of me to push my limits like this… to not realize how bad my injury really was… it was irresponsible and put everyone at risk.” 

Slowly, the Exarch started rubbing the skin between the two wings in a soothing manner, making Ahn shudder at the sensitivity amplified by the scaring that rested underneath. “It’s alright, in ba-um . You gave me a fright but we’ve talked it through. I know you’ll come to me and one day... things won’t be this hard on you. Recognizing you needed help was a big step forward again... I’m proud of you.” 

“D-Don’t say such things! I hardly deserve praise after making a mess of your coveted chambers.” While the blush dusted his checks once more, Ahn’zem’s tail flicked happily before wrapping around the Exarch’s waist once more. “I do promise not to pull a stunt like that again. I don’t want you to hurt too.”

“Thank you, Ahn. I appreciate your promise.”

They took a few moments to let themselves get lost in each other’s company, a comfortable silence now forming between them as Ahn relished in the feeling of G’raha still exploring his crystal wings- soon muttering streams of facts about the formations as he tried to fathom their current wingspan… the smells of sweet asylum filled his senses again and Ahn finally felt his guard being let down, being able to feel vulnerable in the best way when he was along with the one he’d promise his life to over and over again.

Vacate et scito quod amor semper manere apud te - Be still and know that love will always stay with you.