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I had spent an extended period of time shut in my chambers, recovering under layers of bedsheets and sustained by the care of perhaps the most attentive nurse a patient could wish for. This had allowed me to gain back most of my previous strength. Once I was in this state of improved health, I was, as my friend put it, “long overdue for some fresh air and sunshine.” Despite my reluctance, and perhaps against my better judgement, I agreed when he suggested that we go on a walk together; be amongst nature, together. An experience reminiscent of our younger, more carefree days.
Carefree! My existence, being as it is now, the very thought makes me want to laugh. In the confined comfort of my chambers, the anxieties which had been part of the cause for my sickness had quitted me ever so slightly. (More-so when I was not left alone.) However, as I soon came to realise upon being led into a vast, unpredictable world, in which a creature of monstrous proportions could be concealed behind a tree, in a cave, or perhaps behind a particularly large bush, they had not left me entirely. The long treck also reminded me that whilst my strength had recovered somewhat, I was not yet back to my former self. Perhaps I never would be.
“I believe that the hazelnut is coming back into season around this time.” The voice of Henry Clerval cut into my mind, which caused me to realise that I had spent the past few minutes of our stroll staring vacantly into the faraway trees. “If we come across their trees today, I may pick some.”
Although I had processed his statement somewhat, it did not occur to me to respond until I turned my head and realised that he was looking at me. I pursed my dry, cracked lips as I scrambled for something to say. “Oh, yes… Hazelnuts… Why, exactly?”
“To eat, Victor.” Clerval said, patiently as ever. “I’ve always enjoyed them when roasted.”
“Ah. Right, of course. Sorry.” The day was bright and warm, but the sheer density of the forest left plenty of room for dark shadows, and in turn plenty of room for my mind to wander. “What… What do hazelnuts taste like?”
“Well, nutty. Rather earthy, I believe.” Clerval answered, somewhat absently, as he seemed to be gauging my vacant expression. “Might there be something on your mind? You seem distracted.”
I hesitated, risking a glance behind us “I'm remaining wary, that’s all. This forest is… Far more vast than my chambers, I’m sure you can understand.” I said with a wry, humourless laugh.
My friend’s gaze shifted to a soft understanding, although I sorely doubt that he could attempt to understand half of it. “Oh, of course. I recall there being a lake nearby; if we come across it, we could take the chance to sit down.”
“I’d like that very much.” Somewhat relieved, and charmed by the idea that he had the landscape memorised, I linked our arms together and rested my head against his shoulder. Glancing upward, I noticed that my companion’s cheeks had a rose-coloured tint to them, although that may have been nothing more than my own fancy.
Once we made it to Clerval’s aforementioned lake, he made a small, excited noise. To me, it was not dissimilar to the sound of morning birdsong. It made something in my stomach begin to heat up. He broke away from me and made his way to a tree facing the small body of water. With a small grunt, trying to manoeuvre my cane on the uneven ground, I followed after him.
Henry crouched down and pressed his palm into the grass beneath him. He seemed to be murmuring to himself. “Not too wet…” Affirming this, he sat down and rested his back against the tree. He looked over at me and seemed to notice my apparent struggle. “Sorry, my Dear. Do you need help?” He rose slightly.
“No. I'm alright, hold on.” I stumbled over some larger tree roots before slumping down next to him. Since regaining enough of my strength to be able to walk once more, I had found my cane to be of much assistance against weakness. It had been Clerval's suggestion to start with and at first I had denied my need for it. It was only after a week of requiring my arm to be linked with Henry's after so long that I conceeded to it. The tree was just wide enough that if we both have our backs pressed to it, we had to sit with our shoulders pressed up against one another.
The sun was climbing towards its apex, shining down on the small clearing. This, coupled with the cloud-dotted sky, turned the lake a brilliant shade of blue. The grass was slightly damp.
After I had sat down, a silence between the pair of us persisted for a good few seconds. I shifted slightly and cleared my throat. “The-”
“Ssh.” I was sharply cut off.
I frowned and glanced at my friend. His eyes were shut. After a few seconds, I tried again. “The grass is-”
“Shush.” Clerval interrupted again, a trifle more firmly. He pressed a finger to his lips, briefly making me wish he would have done this to mine instead. I obediently quietened down. His chest was rising and falling in slow, steady motions. “Listen.” This time, his voice came out as nothing more than a whisper.
He was so quiet that I briefly wondered if I had just imagined the voice, although I still went along with it. Unlike the bustle of Ingolstadt, there was not the slightest suggestion of human activity all around us. It was as if we were the only souls for miles away. And for the sake of all that was holy, I hoped that was the case.
“Tell me what you hear…” Clerval prompted, still in a hushed tone, after a good few minutes of nothing.
I hesitated, straining again to hear anything that seemed mildly out of the ordinary. “Your breathing?” was all I could come up with.
Clerval chuckled a little and opened his eyes. “What I hear, my Dear… is the sound of nature.” He seemed to lighten up, his voice returning to its usual cadence.
I snorted and rolled my eyes. “Oh, for goodness sake.”
He began to laugh. A truly heavenly sound. “Oh, you have no romance in your heart, my friend.”
“I think you'd be surprised…” A coy smile traced my lips and I reached down to hold his hand. The contact was a warm comfort to the icy coolness of my own skin.
For a moment I seemed to have Henry flustered. He cleared his throat and glanced away, although he did squeeze my hand in return. “Well.. you must admit, the atmosphere is calming.”
I rested the back of my head against the tree, the lumps and grooves of the bark pushing against me ever so slightly. "Well, I couldn't deny that…”
When the light of the sun hit Henry's features, it only served to brighten his rose-tinted cheeks. “Pardon me. What was it you were saying about the grass?”
“Oh. Only that it's slightly damp.” I rested my free hand on its surface, slightly concerned that my clothes would be marked once I stood up. Clerval shifted at this observation, presumably thinking that I was unsatisfied. “Attempting to make conversation, that's all.” I clarified.
A silence fell between us after this. It wasn't uncomfortable, by any means. If anything, it was quite the opposite. As much as I delighted in hearing Clerval ramble to me, whether it be about his day, or other topics in which I was entirely ignorant about, there was something peaceful about being able to sit with him in silence. Henry seemed to have resumed his deep breathing. I absentmindedly turned the handle of my cane with my free hand.
“Often, when I visit places like this…” Clerval started. I looked up at him and saw that his eyes were shut once more. “I will take the time to sit by a tree, listening to the birdsong… or the sound of the leaves in the trees, I suppose I begin to wish that… I could freeze time. To live only in that moment for the rest of my existence.”
“That's a nice thought…" I rested my cheek on his shoulder, where it had been before. A few locks of red hair fell in front of my face. With a sigh, I inhaled their scent. Henry seemed to notice this, because I soon felt the touch of a hand brushing them behind me. “I understand. But if you chose to live out the rest of your existence in solitude within a forest, I may never see you again.” I meant for this idea to sound jovial, to couple along with the absurdity of the idea itself, but the thought only made me feel pensive. More earnestly, I added, “I couldn't bear it.” A couple of years had already proven long enough to be apart from him.
Clerval grasped my hand tighter, reassuringly. “I know. I reckon the idea would be a perfect one, if you could accompany me in my solitude.” He pushed lightly against me, making me open my eyes and causing me to realise that he was watching me now, a smile dazzling his countenance. “Although, I can only imagine that being surrounded by trees for all that time would soon drive you to madness.”
“Well… if it were only you and I, perhaps I could manage it.” I smiled. In response to this, and much to my surprise, Clerval leaned forward and pressed his lips to my forehead. The contact was ever so delicate, as if he were kissing porcelain. My cheeks burned in what I could only assume was the same hue as his hair. I began to wish that he would do more. In the tranquillity of the forest, who could there be to stop us? This newfound desire apparently helped to snuff out my anxieties from earlier.
Clerval seemed pensive now. “I always find the return to be the most difficult part. Return to the world that is far less peaceful, and much less forgiving…” He watched me and I couldn't help but shift under his gaze, hoping that the burning of my cheeks was nothing more than a figment of my imagination, for fear that he would recognise it. “A world where I cannot sit with you like this if I wish to.”
“Well… I’m afraid that you and I do not live in an ideal world, Henry.” I pointed out. “It's most productive to accept that and move on.”
This came off as far colder than I had meant it to, and I could see that the ever optimistic Clerval was disheartened by it. “You are as correct as ever.” He said with a sigh. “I suppose that's part of the appeal of something secluded as a forest.” He seemed more distant now, looking into the trees with faraway eyes.
I began to regret my choice of words and searched for something to remedy it. “Excuse me for being so blunt, I didn't-”
“No, no. It's quite alright, my Dear.” Clerval held up his hand. “Mind you, it may be for the best. If we did live in an ideal world, there wouldn't be anything to fight for.” He said this so nonchalantly, as if he were distracted by something.
It was so nonchalant that I felt surprised by how much the statement struck me. What a romantic way to view suffering. Indeed, how very typical of him! It made me wonder… How, in this terrible, wretched world, could a life so shadowed by tragedy and misfortune as mine possibly find a way to connect with a bright, loving and bountiful soul such as his? And not just to connect, but to cherish, to revere… to love? Looking at the idea on the face of it, that seemed unlikely, even impossible altogether. And yet, here we were: sitting on damp grass, wishing that we could remain in each other's company forever. Perhaps that counted as one of the world's imperfections. If it did, then I was glad for it. As Henry would observe, there was something rather beautiful in it.
This statement seemed to carry little weight to its speaker, however, as Clerval still appeared distracted. I frowned at him. “What on Earth has captured your attention so?”
Without response, Henry abruptly stood up, which forced me to shift my weight to support myself. He made his way behind a tree. Watching him amble away caused me to realise that the grass really was rather damp, as evidenced by the state of his clothes. I snorted at this, though I made sure to keep a close eye on him. “What are you doing?” I asked. “You had best not be intending to leave me here, you knave!” I gripped the handle of my cane once more, intending to follow him, but the action was interrupted by an exclamation of delight coming from behind the tree. This only worked to pique my curiosity further, whilst reassuring me that I hadn't lost him.
When I managed to notice Clerval, he was standing next to one of the further away trees, regarding it proudly. His countenance was positively glowing. “Hazelnuts! Just as I said!” He appeared to be holding two handfuls.
As he made his way back, carrying the nuts as if they were a prize, I smiled fondly. “Well, fancy that.” I never ceased to be charmed by how easily he was pleased when it came to nature.
Henry knelt down in front of me. “I ought to have brought a pouch with me...” He set them down on his lap and opened up his coat pocket. “We can roast them later.”
He lifted each hazelnut one at a time to place them in his pocket, taking care to make sure that none were wasted. I watched him do this with some amount of fascination. How could a being so great, so divine, concern himself so deeply with a task so simple, so ultimately meaningless? The idea that he even thought to apply so much gentleness and care to it… Perhaps that was nothing more than the way of the divine; something far beyond the understanding of a soul wretched as my own. There was something familiar about the manner of his care. For a moment, I felt as if I were a larger, though infinitely more fragile hazelnut. In that moment, my soul seemed to speak of its own accord. “I love you.”
Henry started. The nut he was holding fell onto the grass before being quickly picked up. He returned my gaze with an expression of surprise, which soon shifted to an infinite warmth. “I love you too, Victor.” He said softly.
Once he had finished, he closed his pocket and began to rise. I continued to watch him, the adoration presumably clear on my face. He met my look on one knee. We stared at one another in silence for a few moments before he lifted my hand and took it in his own. “I am truly overjoyed that you are feeling better.” He bowed his head and pressed a kiss to the back of my hand, making my breath hitch. “Being able to share a moment like this with you makes me all the more grateful to have a man like you by my side.”
My eyes widened slightly. Although romantic declarations such as this were not out of the ordinary for him, they never failed to have an impact on me. “Likewise.” Was all I could find to respond with. I looked down at my hand, at the space his lips had touched, where our skin had made brief contact, and turned it to cup his face. The warmth of his cheek pooled into my hand, colouring it slightly. “Henry. Your chastity would be enough to drive any man to insanity.”
Clerval frowned at me, although it was with good humour. “That is an exaggeration.” His expression then shifted to a coy smile. “We've been alone this whole time, and you have not even attempted to kiss me once.” In that remark he almost seemed to dare me. If I had loved him less, I would surely have become annoyed. However, at that moment I could not contain myself. I withdrew my hand and used it instead to grasp his collar, pulling him in and closing the distance between our lips. Henry seemed to have been expecting this, as he soon cupped my face with both hands, thumbs resting comfortably in the dips of my cheekbones. My lips were chapped and dry. They pressed harshly against his, which were warm and soft. Even if he noticed this, he seemed not to mind. His touch was as gentle as it had ever been, as was his kiss.
After what seemed like a small eternity, Henry pulled away. His expression glistened with a coy smile. “There we are. That wasn't so difficult, was it?” I scoffed and made an attempt to swat his shoulder, but he pushed himself upwards before I could get the chance. He then held his hand out to me, which I took, and pulled me up. Once I was steadily on my feet, I took the opportunity to nudge him on the shoulder. In response, Henry flicked me on the nose, which made me blink. “Keep that up and you’re finding the way back on your own.” He turned his back on me and began to make his way out of the clearing.
I huffed and followed after him. “Try that again and I might rather.” I grasped his shoulder once I had caught up. “I try to have an earnest moment with you and all you do is tease me.”
“Well, since you’ve identified me as so chaste, I suppose that could only be expected.” Henry lifted his chin and shut his eyes in a haughty fashion, although he eventually opened one to catch my annoyed expression. He began to laugh at the sight of me.
I rolled my eyes, although a similar laugh was beginning to escape me. “Alright. That may have been an exaggeration. Can we call it a draw?”
Henry sniffed. Keeping up with his act, he looked down at me as though I was far beneath him. “Oh. Very well, if you insist.” At which point he ceased walking and held out his hand to me. “Be a good man and shake on it, then.”
I stopped in my tracks and frowned. Just to humour him, I sighed and grasped his hand to shake. Having successfully casted the bait, Henry took the opportunity to pull me into him by the hand, pressing our lips together once more as our chests made contact.
In my surprise, I grunted loudly and pressed my free hand to his chest to steady myself. However, I was quick to reciprocate, shutting my eyes and moving said hand to rub his shoulder. I could feel one of Clerval's arms hooking around my waist, comfortable as if it was always meant to be there.
Once Henry broke it he kept our faces tantalisingly close. When we made eye contact, my eyes were wide and he made sure to squeeze me closer to him. “I don't suppose that was chaste enough for you?”
Feeling as if the breath had been taken out of me, I had to gain my bearings before responding. “I… sincerely hope you don't close all your deals like that.” My hand moved upwards and into his locks of red hair.
“Well, only in private.” I succeeded in swatting him on the shoulder that time, which only made him laugh. He released his hold on me to clap both hands together. “Now that's settled, we'd best be getting back. We have hazelnuts to eat! Soup to prepare, perhaps!”
I stayed put for a moment, slightly dazed. His more romantic tendencies always suceeded in getting the better of me. “You don't suppose that we could return here soon? I've… rather enjoyed myself.” I proposed as I caught up to him.
Henry seemed pleased by this. “Well, it's good to hear that you've taken to it. Quite frankly, I'd like nothing more.” As we walked, he tilted his head upwards, where you could hardly see the sky for leaves. “It's far too easy to forget how calm the world truly is when you spend all your days in such a vast city.” He looked down at me with a smile. “You do seem more like yourself now. If you don't mind me saying so, it seemed like something was troubling you earlier.”
I hesitated, knowing this to be accurate. Although I did not want to let on that it was, or at least the full extent of it. “I was… tired, that's all. At the present moment, the only thing troubling me is you.” I joked, jabbing him in the side.
Henry gasped at me in mock offence. “Right. That does it. I hope you know the way back to Ingolstadt, because you certainly won't be getting my help finding it.” With that, he began to laugh and made a show of bounding away from me.
I started, beginning to laugh as well. “You knave! Get back here!” Figuring I'd be able to take the strain for a little while, I tucked my cane under my arm and went after him, although I was unsteady on my feet.
Even in my best health, my stride was no match for Henry's. Knowing this, he eventually took mercy and began to slow down. Once I managed to catch up with him, I pushed myself upwards and hooked my arms around his shoulder, lassoing them around his neck.
Henry laughed and grasped one arm. “Victor! Get off!” He exclaimed, although he made no attempt to move me. I loosened my hold to make us both more comfortable. Almost on cue, he hooked both hands around the backs of my legs and pulled me up, allowing him to carry me on his back. I squeaked, making sure that my cane was secure. “You are… ridiculous.” He huffed before beginning to walk again. “And your clothes are damp.”
I began to chuckle, choosing not to respond to either statement. “Will you manage to carry me like this all the way to Ingolstadt?”
He considered this. “Well, perhaps I could make it out of this forest. But if you refer to me as a ‘knave’ again, I can't guarantee I won't lose my grip.”
I rolled my eyes, pressing against his hair. “Well, hurry up. Or else it'll be dark before we get back. And we have hazelnuts to peel.”
“Yes, your excellence.” Henry remarked dryly, speeding his step.
“Thank you.” I smiled and pressed a kiss to the back of his head, satisfied. Each tree passed us by at walking pace. The surrounding area was filled with nothing but the sound of leaves, the breeze, nature running its course, whilst my arms remained slung around him and I was held in his secure grip. I truly began to feel as if Clerval and I were the only two people on Earth. It was peace the likes of which I had not felt in a long time and perhaps never would again. “Knave.”