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Hikaku winces as his clan head shoves Hashirama-sama to the ground.
Really, this sort of thing should be far beneath Madara-sama's dignity, but of course no one can convince him of that. Hikaku doesn't long for the days of the war, but there were certain side benefits of all the fighting that he misses.
The way the two clan heads didn't turn into little boys at the merest hint of a disagreement, for one.
"Madara!" Hashirama-sama yanks on Madara-sama's hair, unbound even upon the occasion of his brother's wedding. "Stop it! Let me up!"
"No!" Madara-sama makes things even worse by seizing a handful of dirt and stuffing it into his friend's kimono, making Hashirama-sama yelp with both surprise and indignation. "Not until you admit that Tobirama's an Uchiha now!"
"But he's not!" Hashirama-sama yells back, kicking Madara-sama off him and into a tree that wasn't there a moment ago. "The marriage makes Izuna-kun a Senju!"
"I can't believe you two didn't think to ask about this before now," Izuna-sama grabs his brother's elbow, simultaneously hoisting Madara-sama to his feet and holding him back from renewing his attack on Hashirama-sama. "Did either of you even read the contract?"
From the embarrassed looks both clan heads direct at him, the answer is apparently no.
Really, Hikaku doesn't even know why he bothers to write these things up anymore.
Thinking back upon it though, with the way Madara-sama was fussing over the ceremony and Hashirama-sama was fussing over the garden, it should be no surprise that neither of them paid any attention to something they both assumed was obvious.
Only it really wasn't.
"We're a Konohagakure marriage." Tobirama-sama looks up at the heavens, as if beseeching the gods to witness the disaster inflicted upon him by people who don't pay attention to the things they're stamping their hanko on.
Hikaku empathises with him, and is daily thankful that at least one person in the Senju is of a similar mind to himself. It's surprisingly hard to find a shinobi who does, even in a world that runs on contracts and money.
"You are!" Hashirama-sama jumps up and grabs Izuna-sama in an embrace that looks and feels friendly, but is impossible to escape.
Hikaku should know - he was subjected to it once and is determined never to let it happen again.
"Get off me!" Izuna-sama struggles, prying at arms which stubbornly refuse to release him. "Let me go! Nii-san! Help!"
"Oh well." No assistance will be forthcoming apparently, for Madara-sama puts his arm around Tobirama-sama's shoulders instead. "If I can't claim you for my clan, then claiming you for my village will have to be good enough."
"Thank you." Tobirama-sama looks reluctantly amused as Madara-sama releases him when he makes to free himself, quite unlike Hashirama-sama who is laughing at Izuna-sama. "Now please excuse me while I go and save my wife."
"Fuck you!" By Hikaku's estimation, Izuna-sama's enraged yell can probably be heard over most of the village. "I can save myself! And who says I'm the wife?! You can be the wife!"
"Alright." Tobirama-sama grabs Hashirama-sama's wrist and begins to pull. "If I'm the wife, then you can eat my cooking every day."
"Fuck no." Izuna-sama takes advantage of the division in Hashirama-sama's attention to squirm free. "Your cooking is awful!"
"Then you're the wife." Tobirama-sama smirks, as he bends to kiss his new bride. "Yome."
"Fuck you." Izuna-sama takes his defeat with ill grace, pouting angrily. Hikaku once told him the expression was adorable when he was five - words which resulted in much screeching - and it hasn't changed a bit.
"Certainly. Tonight?" Tobirama-sama seems completely unconcerned by the public nature of their discussion, but his brother doesn't share his equanimity.
"Tobirama!" Hashirama-sama lets out a horrified gasp, looking like he might faint. "I don't need to know that!"
"Argh!" Not to be outdone, Madara-sama claws at his eyes. "Why would you say that in front of me! Where I can see you!"
"Revenge." Izuna-sama pokes his brother's cheek. "For starting a fight at my wedding."
Which... is fair.
In Hikaku's opinion at least.
But really, no one should have expected anything else.
This is what Konohagakure seems to be like, after all.