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Buck was tired of being hated.
The lawsuit was supposed to get him back to his family. But all it’s done is push them farther apart.
“You’re exhausting.”
The words keep echoing menacingly in his head and stabbing at his heart.
“They’re right.” He told himself. “Who sues their family? Not someone deserving of one.”
He stood on the balcony, looking out on the city.
He missed the stars.
When he lived in Montana, out on the ranch, there wasn’t much light pollution. You could see dozens of different constellations light up the sky. Buck always thought it was so much more beautiful than the lights of a big city.
Back then, his whole life fit in the back of the jeep.
Maddie’s Jeep.
She’s the only one who can talk to him without getting angry nowadays.
He thought back to all the adventures he’d had before LA, when he was finding himself. Going where the wind would take him. For the first time in what felt like forever,
It was calling him again.
He packed up his essentials as the sun rose. All his important documents, ample amounts of clothes, toiletries, chargers for his phone and laptop, and anything else important he could fit in the two duffles he threw in the back of the jeep.
Maddie’s Jeep.
When she’d given it to him, she told him to go wherever he wanted. He didn’t really know where that was yet, but he figured by the time he reached the airport he’d figure it out.
He thought about calling her. He thought about telling her his plan.
“No.” He told himself. “She’ll just try and stop me. I need to do this.”
After packing up the jeep, he went back inside. He took out a sticky note and a pen and wrote one simple sentence:
‘Don’t come looking for me.’
He left the note on the counter. That should be enough for now. He could email his resignation papers from wherever he ended up. He shuddered. All that work to get back. It meant nothing now.
On his way out, something caught his eye. Hung on the fridge was a colourful drawing. He smiled. Chris gave that to him. It was supposed to be him with Buck and Eddie was the station, but the station looked more like a tilted barn, and the three of them looked like potatoes with twigs sticking out of them. It was the first thing Chris ever gave him.
He felt a pang of sadness in his chest.
‘I hope he’s okay.’ He thought. He hoped his leaving wouldn’t hurt him too much. He knew it wouldn’t hurt anyone else, except maybe Maddie, but Chris was just a kid. He didn’t deserve to be collateral damage in the struggles of their adult lives.
After staring at the drawing for a few minutes, he sighed and gently unpinned it from the fridge. He folded it up neatly and tucked it into his wallet. He then grabbed another sticky note and wrote a second note:
‘Make sure Chris knows this isn’t his fault.’
The stuck the note on the counter next to the first one. He then left the loft and locked the door behind him.
On his way out he stopped at his landlord’s office. He dropped off the next two months of rent and his key. His lease expired after that. He gave his landlord Maddie’s email, telling him she’d get him any other spare keys before the end of his lease. He told him once it was up he could do whatever he wanted with the stuff leftover, he didn’t care.
“Where you gonna go?” His landlord had asked him.
“Don’t know yet, guess i’ll decide at the airport.”
Then he left. A little after 8:00 am, he got in his jeep and drove to the airport, with absolutely no plan on what to do next.
—————————————————————
He knew he couldn’t park directly at the airport, it was too expensive. Instead, he parked in the lot of a nearby hotel. Eventually, probably in a few days, someone would call and report the car abandoned, and they would know he left.
If they didn’t get to his apartment before then.
When he entered the airport, he didn’t really know what to do. He’d always driven in his past runaways, so he wasn’t sure how he would go about it. Did he need to get a ticket online beforehand? Or could he get one somewhere else? He looked around for a while, until he spotted the help desk for one of the airlines.
“Best place to start I guess.”
He walked up to it slowly. his two duffles weighed him down a bit, one was slung around his chest, the other dangling at his side, held in his hand.
“Hello sir, how can I help you?” The woman behind the counter smiled.
“Sorry, this might seem a bit weird, but I don’t really know where to go.” He chuckled.
“Well, baggage check is just to the right over there, and if you head down this way—“
“No, sorry.” He cut her off. “I should have been more specific. I don’t have a ticket for a flight.”
“Oh?” She looked at him, a little confused.
“I sorta decided to take a trip for myself on a whim.” He told her. “I have no idea where to go. Any suggestions? I’m open to anything.”
She smiled back at him, and it seemed more genuine then the one she’d given him when he first approached. That one was the forced customer service one, he figured.
“That’s certainly something I don’t hear everyday.” She said. “Most people nowadays plan their trips months in advance.”
“Guess I’m not most people.” Buck laughed. “So, where should I go?” The agent studied him for a moment before responding.
“You probably want somewhere new. Have you travelled before?”
“Quite a bit yeah, but never somewhere I couldn’t get to in a car.”
“Well then,” she said, “how about an island? The Maldives, maybe? Absolutely stunning this time of year.”
“As much as I love a good beach,” he stopped for a moment to think on the suggestion, “I want something different. I've lived in plenty of warm, sunny places.”
“I see.” She turns to the computer at her desk and starts typing something. After looking at the screen for a while, she looks back up at him.
“How about Europe? This time of year lots of countries up there have snow, might be a nice change of pace. So long as you’ve packed something warm.”
Buck looks down at his bag. Thankfully he had an old winter jacket packed away in the larger one.
“That sounds nice, but I’m still not sure where to go. Just Europe doesn’t really narrow it down.”
“Hmm,” she narrows her eyes. “Alright. Brussels.”
“What?”
“Capital of Belgium. Lovely city, lots of smaller areas nearby too, if you want something cosier. Most people there speak English too, so you shouldn’t have to worry about a language barrier. Round trip will cost you,” she paused to glance back at her screen. “Little over $1000.”
He thought it over. Snow did sound nice, and if he left the main city he’d be able to see some of Europe’s constellations. Were they any different from America’s?
Guess he’d find out.
“Make it one way, not sure how long I'll be there or if I'll come straight back.”
‘Or if I’ll ever come back.’ He thought to himself.
“Alright then, let me get you sorted.”
After paying for his ticket and getting through baggage check and security, he sat quietly at his gate. The flight would start boarding soon, but there weren’t nearly as many people waiting as he’d thought. He expected to wait overnight for an open seat, not a few hours. Maybe that's the actual reason the woman had picked it, to fill seats.
But it didn’t matter. Buck was leaving.
Going anywhere but LA.
Anywhere but his Loft.
Anywhere but the 118.
‘Anywhere but to Eddie.’
He grimaced at the thought. Despite how much those words had hurt him, he already missed Eddie so much. He knew the feeling would only get worse once he got on the plane, but he’d get over it eventually.
How would he get over it? Get over Eddie?
Buck wasn’t stupid. He knew his feelings for Eddie ran far deeper than friendship. He loved Eddie, in more than a friend way. In more ways than he’d ever loved anyone before. Chris and Eddie were everything to him.
That's why it hurt so much to leave.
‘That’s why I have to.’ He told himself in his mind. ‘All I've done is make their lives harder. Make their lives exhausting. This is for the best.’
He let himself get lost in his thoughts for a while longer, until a voice from the gate speaker found him.
“This is a message for passengers of flight 9598 with service to Brussels, unfortunately our plane had to reroute to avoid some bad weather, we are expecting a 2-3 hour delay. Please come to the gate with any questions or concerns.”
Buck shrugged. He had been prepared for a longer wait anyway. He could wait a few more hours. He pulled out his phone and put it into airplane mode. He didn’t want to hear from anyone, in case the delay meant they found out before he left. A thought crossed his mind as he put his phone back in his pocket
‘Am I like Abby?’
He shuddered. He’d probably never forget what she did. Leaving him at the airport like that. Was that what he was doing? Taking off like this?
“No.” He mumbled to himself. “She did that for herself. This is best for everyone. They’ll be better off without me in their lives.”
—————————————————————
Eddie felt awful.
He hated how he’d left things with Buck. He was angry with him, sure, but the look in Buck’s eyes when he’d said that? That’ll haunt him for the rest of his life.
‘You’re exhausting.’ He shuddered. It kept replaying in his mind, over and over again. He shouldn’t have said that. It wasn’t even true. He was just trying to push his buttons.
He pushed too hard.
Buck wasn’t exhausting. Sure he was high energy, and loud, and sometimes doesn’t quite know when to quit, but he loves that about Buck.
He loves everything about Buck.
That’s part of the reason he’s been so angry. He loves Buck, and not being able to see him? Chris not being able to see him?
It was breaking his heart.
Chris kept asking when he could see Buck again, and Eddie can’t tell him anything but “I don’t know.”
He can see how hurt Chris is. He misses Buck so much.
Eddie misses Buck so much.
That’s probably why he’s here. Standing outside the door to the loft. He couldn’t leave things that way. He needs to apologise. So he dropped Chris off with Pépa and drove straight here.
It doesn’t matter how angry he still is with Buck.
It’s Buck.
He loves Buck. He won’t tell him that, at least, he won’t right now, but he does. He probably has since the day they met, since they promised to have each other's back every day. Maybe even before that, somehow.
He knocks gently on the door.
Nothing. Total silence.
He knocks again, a little louder.
“Buck, please open up. It’s me, it’s Eddie.” He knocks louder again.
“I don’t like how we left things. Can we please talk? I promise, no lashing out.” He waits.
Silence.
“Come on Buck.” He pleads to the door. “Evan. Please. We really need to talk. I don’t want things to be this way anymore.”
Nothing still.
Eddie reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small key.
His spare key.
It’ll open this door.
He waits for a moment, letting it hover over the lock, before inserting it into the door. He knocks one more time.
“I’m using my key to come inside.” He says aloud. He’s starting to worry. Buck is never silent like this, never. He hopes everything is okay. Even if it means behind that door is Buck, ready to yell at him and kick him out, so be it. But he needs to know he’s okay.
He turns the key, unlocks the door, and walks inside.
The loft is empty.
No Buck yelling at him. No Buck at all.
“Buck? Evan? You here?” Eddie calls out. He glances over to the area behind the stairs.
Not on the couch
He pushes open the bathroom door.
No one there either.
He walks up the stairs.
Empty bed.
Buck’s not here.
“Of course. I make this whole deal of banging on his door and he isn’t even here.” He muttered to himself as he descended the stairs.
“Guess I dropped off Chris for noth—“ as he walks past the kitchen counter, he stops. He sees two sticky notes, stuck beside each other. He leans over the counter to read them.
‘Don’t come looking for me’
‘Make sure Chris knows this isn’t his fault.’
He stares at the notes for a while, trying to process the information.
‘Don’t come looking for me.’
Eddie’s mind jumped to the worst. Would Evan, would he try something like that?
‘No. He knows how that would affect Maddie.’ He reassured himself silently. ‘Or how it would affect Chris. He wouldn’t.’
But running away?
That was something he knew Buck would do.
He’d done it before, to get away from his parents.
But where would he go to get away from this?
“Oh Evan,” He stared at the notes. “Where did you go?” He could feel tears welling up in his eyes. Their fight had been hours ago, last night. He could be anywhere by now. You can drive a long way in one night.
“Check the airport.”
Eddie jumped. He turned to see Buck’s landlord standing in the entrance to the loft.
“How long have you been standing there?” He asked, still trying to get control of his heartbeat.
“Not too long. Heard you banging on the door, came to check it out. You got one of his spare’s?”
“Oh, uh, yeah.”
“I’m gonna need that, seeing as he won’t be living here anymore.”
Eddie’s frowned. “What? He’s gonna come back.”
“Most people who plan on coming back don’t tell you to ‘do whatever you want’ with the stuff they left behind.” He grumbled, then held out his hand expectantly.
Eddie sighed, then reluctantly handed over the spare key.
“Y’know, he didn’t know where he was going.” The landlord told him, his tone a bit gentler than it has been before.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean if you really wanna stop him that badly,” he rolled his eyes, “he might still be here, waiting for whatever plane he decided on.”
Eddie thought for a moment. He should just let him go. Respect Buck’s wishes. This is what he wants. Buck is an adult who can make adult choices. Eddie has no right to try and dictate his life.
But Eddie’s selfish.
He doesn’t want Chris to lose his Buck.
Eddie doesn’t want to lose his Buck.
He loves him too much.
He can’t let Buck leave without him knowing he is loved.
That Eddie loves him.
So he runs. He pushes past Buck’s landlord and bolts for his car. He barely has his seatbelt on by the time he peels out of the parking lot and starts speeding towards the airport. He kept trying to call, but all he heard was Buck’s voicemail.
“Damnit.” He slammed his hands on the steering wheel as he stopped at a light. Why was Buck doing this?
‘You’re exhausting.’
Those words. Of course. Buck was leaving because he thought everyone hated him.
He thought Eddie hated him.
He started to cry. He couldn’t let Buck leave thinking he hated him. He couldn’t.
He channelled his feelings into his driving, hoping to get to the airport in time.
He had to get there in time.
—————————————————————
Buck can’t stop staring at the drawing.
He had pulled it out of wallet 45 minutes ago, just for a quick look, but he was still staring at it. He let his eyes trace every line over and over again.
Chris poured his heart into every line on that paper.
He hopes Chris will forgive him.
“This is a final boarding call for flight 9598 with service to Brussels.” A voice came over the speakers at the gate. He decided to wait until the last call for boarding. He didn’t like small spaces too much, especially after the ladder truck, and he was happy to spend as little time as possible cramped on that plane. LAX to BRU was a long enough flight as it is. He stood up, taking a moment to stretch out his leg, before grabbing the smaller duffle, the one he hadn’t checked at arrivals before security, and started walking towards the gate agent.
He was holding his passport and driver’s licence in his left hand, Chris’s drawing pinned behind them with his ring finger. He was the last in line, and patiently waited as the line slowly crept up towards the gate. He got lost in his thoughts again, thinking about Chris, and Eddie, so he didn’t immediately hear the commotion behind him.
“Buck!” He thought he heard his name. He thought maybe it was a gate agent.
‘No, they’ll use Evan, it's my legal name.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m just hearing things.’
“Buck!” There it was again. He must be tired. He didn’t sleep at all last night, and now it was close to 2:00 pm. He’d have to nap on the plane.
“EVAN BUCKLEY!”
That one was unmistakable. It was loud. So loud the people in front of him turned to look at the source of the sound.
He knew that voice. He’d know it anywhere.
Buck slowly turned around.
“Eddie?”
“Evan Buckley, don't you dare get on that plane.” Eddie marched towards him and pulled him to the side, out of the line. His eyes were red, and Buck could see half dried tear streaks on his cheeks.
“How did you find me?” He asked quietly.
“Your landlord let it slip you were skipping town. Why Buck?” He lowered his voice. “Were you seriously gonna leave like that? No goodbye? Just two sticky notes in an empty apartment?”
Buck looked away from him. “Since when do you care.”
“Since always!”
“I thought I was too exhausting.” Buck hissed.
There it was again. Eddie’s biggest mistake. Those awful words.
“Buck, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lashed out like that. I didn’t mean it, I was just being mean.”
“Sure sounded like you meant it.”
Eddie grabbed Buck’s shoulders.
“I never should have said that. It was cruel and untrue and I truly am sorry Buck. Please, think this over. Don’t leave.” Eddie pleaded with him. Buck shrugged Eddie’s hands off his shoulders.
“No, you were right. I'm too much, Eddie. Everyone’s better off without me.” He pushed past Eddie to get back into the line. It was shorter now. Buck was just a few people away from being gone forever.
Eddie couldn’t let that happen.
“Better off? That's bullshit!” He pulled on Buck’s arm to spin him around so they were facing each other again. “No one is better off without you, Evan. Bobby sees you as his son, that’s why he was so hard on you! You know he blames himself for your injury. Or Maddie? You were the only person she could come to when she ran from Doug. Hell, think of all the lives you’ve saved by being a firefighter!” He paused to take a breath and step a bit closer. This time, Buck didn’t move away, but his eyes remain glued to the floor.
“And me? You made my life so much better. You introduced me to Carla, you help me take care of Chris. I would be lost without you. My parents probably would’ve taken Chris if you hadn’t helped me balance my work with my life. Chris adores you, and you love him like a father loves his son. And he loves you, so much. I love you so much. Don’t leave us, please.” Eddie pleaded
Buck’s eyes shot up to meet Eddie’s, tears starting to form.
“You love me?”
Eddie smiled.
“Soy mucho, cariño. I’ve been in love with you since the first day I met you. You and Chris are my world, Evan.” He grabbed his hands and leaned his forehead against Bucks. Buck let his bag drop to the ground.
“Please stay, Evan. Please.”
Instead of saying anything, Buck just cupped Eddie’s face and pulled him into a desperate kiss. Eddie wasted no time kissing him back with just as much fervour. He could feel how much love was behind the desperation as their lips slotted together perfectly, like they were made for each other.
Because they were.
It felt like home.
Buck broke away with a small gasp.
“I love you too, Eddie, so much. I’m so sorry.” He pulled Eddie into a tight embrace.
“No, I'm sorry.” Eddie hugged him back even tighter. Buck let out a small laugh as he pulled back, letting his hands rest on Eddie’s waist. A tear fell down his cheek. Eddie wiped it away.
“We really need to get better at talking to each other.” Buck laughed. “We should have been kissing like that forever ago.”
Eddie smiled. “We’ll make up for lost time.” He leaned closer and placed a soft kiss on Buck’s birthmark.
“Excuse me, sirs.” A voice cut through the silence, making both men look to the desk behind them. “I hate to ruin the moment, but are you getting on the plane or can we close the walkway?” The gate agent looked at Buck.
“Oh right! Yeah, go ahead.” He turned back towards Eddie. “I’m not going anywhere.”
They headed back towards the entrance, hand in hand.
“It was nice of the agent to get your checked bag off the plane.” Eddie remarked.
“Just got lucky. It was loaded on with the last few, so it wasn’t hard to get to. Otherwise I’d have to wait for the return flight. It’s been loaded with the others from the arrival flight.” He smiled, enjoying having Eddie’s hand in his own. They continued to walk in silence for a while until Buck stopped quite suddenly.
“What is it?” Eddie asked.
“How did you get to me? You need a plane ticket to get through security.”
Eddie turned visibly red. He broke eye contact, looking out to the nearby escalators.
“I, uh, sorta bought one when I got here.”
“What?”
“I was in a rush! I didn’t have the first clue where you would go, and I didn’t want to waste time figuring it out, so I just bought a random cheap flight so I could get through security. I spent the rest of the time running around the airport looking for you. Took me half an hour to find your gate, by the way. Did not expect I’d be running through the international flights wing. Brussels?”
“The agent by bag check helped me pick it.” Buck smiled. “Where was your ticket for?”
“Uhh,” Eddie pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened up the emailed receipt. “Denver. Leaves in 45 minutes. Guess they’ll be short a passenger.”
“Aww,” Buck leaned against Eddie, pushing him affectionately. “You would fly all the way to Denver to find me?”
“Love, I would fly across the world to find you.” He planted a kiss on Buck’s cheek. “But right now, I just wanna go home.”
“Oh shit, my landlord!” The revelation came to him as they descended the escalators towards baggage claim. “He’s definitely not gonna let me renew my lease after the show I made this morning.” Buck scrunched his face. “Guess I’m going apartment hunting.”
“You could,” Eddie started, “or we could get the rest of your stuff today, and you can just come home with me.”
“Eds, I don’t want to impose on you and Chris.”
“Shut up. Chris loves you, I think we just established I love you, so why waste any more time? Just move in with us. You belong at home with me and Chris, not in that loft all alone.” Buck smiled, another tear forming in his eye. He looked over at the now moving bag conveyor, then back at Eddie.
“Would Chris be okay with it?”
Eddie just laughed. “Are you kidding? With you around every day, he wouldn’t be subject to my cooking. He’ll be thrilled.”
“But we should ask him first, to be sure.”
“Alright.I’ll go pick him up from Pépa’s and Ill meet you at home.” He made a point to highlight that last word. “We’ll tell him together. I assume the jeep is somewhere nearby?”
“Yeah, the hotel down the street.” He looked back towards the conveyor. “Ah nice!” He let go of Eddie’s hand to grab the bag off the conveyor. Eddie immediately missed the warmth, and was relieved when Buck intertwined their fingers again after securing the bag over his chest.
“That’s everything. Ill go get the jeep and meet you?”
Eddie planted a quick kiss on Buck’s lips as they left the airport.
“Perfect, Ill see you at home.” They let go of each other's hands and walked off in separate directions to their cars, both beaming.
Home.
Home with Chris,
Home with Eddie.
Right here, nowhere else.
Buck could get used to that.