Work Text:
Work Group Chat
eve
> hello everyone.
> first things first:
eve added konstantin
eve added villanelle
eve
> much better
> @carolyn i am very insulted that you tried to kill me. that was not nice
> it is okay though i am alive
elena
> what kind of bullshit is this eve
eve
> eve is sleeping right now
> we engaged in some very aggressive activity last night
> i won’t bore you with the details
> it was sex
kenny
> isnt eve straight??
eve
> do straight women usually engage in cunnilingus with other women?
elena
> now there’s an image
eve
> i bet you love the thought of us doing filthy dirty things to one another
> we make a very pretty pair
carolyn
> Villanelle is at the bottom of the Thames.
eve
> blood does not suit me
> did you really think i would die in such a disorganised manner
konstantin
> Villanelle.
carolyn
> You’re alive too? Great.
konstantin
> It is nice to see you too, Carolyn. Thank you for the warm welcome.
villanelle
> villanelle what the fuck
elena
> hey girlie how was your night
villanelle
> villanelle you bum now she’s going to try and kill you AGAIN
eve
> i have gone out to buy breakfast
> stay in bed i am cooking
villanelle
> why would you take my phone
eve
> to add myself to your sad little group chat with your sad little work friends
> would you like pancakes or waffles?
villanelle
> idc whichever you prefer
kenny
> you’re letting her in your kitchen??? around knives???
eve
> hey she stabbed me
elena
> that was gay
eve
> you are quite correct
> would anyone else like to come around for breakfast
> not you carolyn because you did try to murder me
elena
> no babe we’ll let you have lesbian waffles in peace
kenny
> maybe bring round your leftovers later?
carolyn
> Don’t you dare invite her to my house.
villanelle
> scared she might try and kill you?
> oh wait no
> thats what you did to her
> attempted murder is never okay
eve
> i tried to kill you once
villanelle
> it was hot when you did it
elena
> carolyn how could you try and end this sweet lesbian love
carolyn
> I suspect Niko would be on my side.
villanelle
> here we go again with the niko guilt tripping
eve
> hey do you remember when i murdered his teacher girlfriend
> would you like banana or strawberries on our waffles?
villanelle
> as long as it wasnt you who impaled him hehe
> strawberries please
kenny
> you’re very desensitised to the death of your husband
villanelle
> ex husband
konstatin
> Eve, I suspect that you’re exactly the kind of person the Twelve would have hired back in the day…
carolyn
> Why do you think I hired her?
konstantin
> You always did have a plan.
carolyn
> Don’t think your compliments will get you anywhere.
elena
> stop with the crusty old person flirting
carolyn
> Oh, but it’s okay when Villanelle and Eve do it?
eve
> we are young and beautiful
> I WILL BE HOME IN TEN MINUTES EVE ❤️
villanelle
> i’ll set up the waffle iron!
kenny
> you guys are cute :)
carolyn
> Be quiet, Kenneth.
elena
> stop bullying kenneth
> he’s just ken
kenny
> i told you to stop saying that
elena
> you’re just ken anywhere else you’d be a ten
> is it your destiny to live and die a life of blonde fragility?
kenny
> i am a brunette
eve
> she got the fragile part right
> this is eve again btw
> sorry for any confusion
> v’s in the kitchen making valentine’s waffles
konstantin
> You are a week late.
eve
> WELL WE WOULDN’T BE IF SOMEONE HADNT SHOT MY GIRLFRIEND.
carolyn
> Here we go again with the murder guilt tripping.
elena
> it must have been so sad that villanelle’s near death meant you couldn’t go to build a bear
villanelle
> who said we couldn’t go to build a bear anyway
> i will be building that bear
> do you think they sell build a bears that look like corpses
kenny
> its a childrens shop
elena
> sorry but i doubt it
carolyn
> If it’s corpses you want, you can just think through your life and all the people you’ve done away with.
eve
> bitch ur not morally superior you shot her in the chest
villanelle
> murder is only hot and slay when i do it
elena
> crimes are gay
konstantin
> Does that not make all of us gay?
elena
> your words not mine
carolyn
> If Konstantin is gay, how does Kenny exist?
kenny
> MOTHER NO
elena
> clearly you’re a trans man
> if you want us to start calling you clive just say the word
villanelle
> happy valentine’s day all
> these are our waffles
> Image
kenny
> they look a little… burnt?
villanelle
> everyone is a critic
elena
> they look like charcoal
> why are they so black
eve
> i can’t believe you’re being racist to our waffles in this day and age
> it’s 2024 elena
elena
> bitch im the same colour as the waffle
kenny
> have decided i don’t want the waffles anymore
> thanks though
konstantin
> Villanelle, out of love, I’m asking that you please don’t eat those.
carolyn
> How have you burned the strawberries?
villanelle
> DO YOU THINK IT WAS INTENTIONAL CAROLYN
villanelle renamed the chat carolyn martens is a sadist ratbag with bad taste in waffles and also in men
eve
> what happened to playing nice so she wouldnt shoot you again
villanelle
> she insulted our cooking
carolyn
> I could shoot her anyway. I think it would be good for Eve.
eve
> STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME MARRY A MAN
> I DONT WANT REBIRTH
> I WANT KNIVES HELD AGAINST MY THROAT AND ALSO TO BE FUCKED SENSELESS BY A SERIAL KILLER.
elena
> maybe niko will resurrect from the grave and reconvert you to heterosexuality
eve
> HA no thank you
> niko and i had our time
> he was impaled while im getting railed and i’d like to keep it that way
villanelle
> niko impale count: 1
> eve rail count: ∞
kenny
> that is possibly the least empathetical use of a rhyming couplet i’ve ever seen
villanelle
> i stole her morals
> also i ate a bite of waffle and it dissolved in my mouth into dust
> i suspect it may have been burned a little
elena
> WHOS WAFFLE RACIST NOW BITCH
villanelle
> that isn’t very nice
elena
> neither is murder
villanelle
> i have never murdered anyone in my life
eve
> SAME GIRLIE
> we’re going to build a bear now
> i think i’m going to get a duck
elena
> keep us posted!
> and kenny keep an eye on carolyn
> dont let her assassinate villanelle again
carolyn
> But I have to go to the shops today.
konstantin
> I will get what you need. You are not allowed.
carolyn
> I need private things.
konstantin
> Then tell me privately.
eve
> carolyn martens what the fuck is joseph doing in build a bear with a pistol.
carolyn
> I simply haven’t a clue.
kenny
> mom!
> you promised you wouldn’t
carolyn
> I arranged it hours ago! I can’t cancel on him now! It would be rude.
villanelle
> its rude to shoot people!
kenny
> right now mom
carolyn
> Oh, fine. He’s stood down.
villanelle
> i really think i should murder you before you have the chance to murder me
> not today though
> today i am buying a pink elephant wearing blue pyjamas
> i have named him frederick
eve
> i’ve got a REALLY hideous duck
> named carolyn
carolyn
> How dare you.
eve
> oh shush you JUST tried to murder my wife
konstantin
> Villanelle cannot legally get married in the US.
elena
> since when have those two ever cared about the law
konstantin
> Excellent point. Continue.
elena
> eve am i going to assume you’re not coming into work today?
villanelle
> she is very worn out from our strenuous activities last night
> also we have dating to be done so no
eve
> what she said
> also there will be more strenuous activity tonight
> may not be in tomorrow either
kenny
> what if we make it bring your girlfriend into work day?
eve
> because then it would be get your girlfriend shot day
elena
> what if we lock carolyn in a cupboard
konstantin
> She would get out. You know how clever she is.
elena
> ffs i want to see villanelle
> she always has the best gossip about famous people
konstantin
> That is confidential information! You’re not meant to share it.
villanelle
> if they tell it to me it is confidential no longer
kenny
> sometimes she tells me things but they’re usually not true
> she told me joe biden was pregnant and that it was her baby
villanelle
> it is going to be a boy
eve
> congratulations
> what are you naming it
villanelle
> donald, after our sexual partner
konstantin
> Villanelle, that’s unpleasant.
villanelle
> once again i am the victim of bigotry
> you would not be saying this if i was a man
elena
> PREACH SISTER
> dont let his misogyny go unpunished
carolyn
> It has less to do with misogyny and more to do with the allusions to seducing presidents.
villanelle
> you’re just jealous because i am experiencing the miracle of fatherhood
carolyn
> I’ll have you shot if you keep on like this.
kenny
> dont worry guys ive stolen her work phone
> villanelle’s safe until she gets through me
villanelle
> i would estimate i have about six seconds
> it has been nice knowing you
> i leave my sex toy collection to eve
carolyn
> Give it back, Kenneth.
elena
> no. he’s just ken and he would never
kenny
> if you make another barbie pun, i will give my mother the phone back
villanelle
> WHY ARE YOU BRINGING ME INTO THIS
> IT IS NOT MY FAULT ELENA BULLIES YOU
kenny
> yes but you’re leverage
villanelle
> is that all i am to you
eve
> how dare you kenneth
> i’m gonna have you shot and drowned in the thames
kenny
> i hate that i work with you people
> four inbreeding criminals and one barbie enthusiast
elena
> and one inbred child 🥰
eve
> DONT SAY THAT WE'RE INBREEDING KENNY
> THAT DOES NOT MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT DOES
villanelle
> i would like to clarify that i am not related to eve in any capacity
> we fuck with clear consciences
carolyn
> Clear consciences are not something you or Eve will ever have.
eve
> dw we’ll live
villanelle
> you will not either carolyn
carolyn
> I don’t have a conscience.
kenny
> oh good that’s always something i love to hear my parent saying
konstantin
> She is joking, she has a conscience. Remember Paris, 2008?
carolyn
> We do not talk about Paris 2008.
villanelle
> what happened in paris 2008?
elena
> carolyn pegged konstantin
kenny
> I’M SORRY???
elena
> oh come on
> you take one look at konstantin and tell me he doesnt like it up the bum
villanelle
> dont talk about my papa like that
> KONSTANTIN DID YOU BIRTH ME AFTER BANGING CAROLYN???
carolyn
> Don’t be ridiculous, Villanelle. That would make you a fifteen year old, and Konstantin a woman.
villanelle
> i aged badly
eve
> always knew he was hiding tiddies
elena
> massive pendulous breasts
eve
> is that what ur into carolyn
> konstantin’s enormous boobs
konstantin
> This is so stupid.
villanelle
> i accept you as my mother
konstantin
> You killed your mother.
villanelle
> not my real one <3
elena
> thought eve was your mommy
carolyn
> STOP making trouble, Elena.
kenny
> villanelle does this mean youre my sister
eve
> yasss
> you’re my brother in law now ken
kenny
> dont start calling me that too
eve
> sorry its catching
villanelle
> so is measles
elena
> thank you for that information
konstantin
> @Carolyn I just found some pictures from Paris 2008, we should look over them together.
villanelle
> pegging photos?
kenny
> dont you dare look at them while i’m in the house
carolyn
> We do not talk about Paris 2008, Konstantin.
eve
> we wont judge you for getting kinky on the eiffel tower
> this is a safe space xoxo
carolyn
> I am your boss! Where is your workplace respect?
eve
> probably at the bottom of the thames with about 5 pints of villanelle’s blood
villanelle
> i cannot believe my own father tried to have me shot
carolyn
> I am not your father and I did not peg Konstantin in Paris, 2008.
elena
> so what i’m getting from this is that you pegged him some other time
kenny
> i think i hate you
elena
> it’s just the kenergy
> can you feel it?
kenny
> i can feel rage
> will that do