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Vash never allowed himself to daydream. Well, there wasn’t much to daydream about. Most of his daydreams were mainly thoughts about the past, thinking about the different people he had met on his travels and how they were doing since he last saw them. Then it would spiral into the inevitable thoughts about his brother. It all started the same, first, he wondered how Nai was doing, and how he was keeping himself well, not that Nai needed human food and drink to survive, Vash wondered regardless. Second, came the guilt, as he thought about the plants Nai took from the towns, still unsure what his older brother had planned to do with the stolen plants, but then his daydreams would spiral into something heavy like the Big Fall, the crash he and his brother caused.
Vash, who carried a tremendous burden, felt he shouldn’t have the luxury to daydream about his own wants and desires. He was not deserving of the notion. One could argue that his life on the run prevented such thoughts. But his guilt from his brother and the catastrophic event of the Big Fall were sometimes too much for Vash to bear, he much rather preferred not to think about anything. For a moment, Vash would like nothing to be on his mind.
Lately, he found himself more distracted than usual. Of course, in light of the persona Vash exuded, this seemed not out of the ordinary for him. To his new companions, Vash hoped they’d think his distracted tendencies were simply a part of his aloof nature, not one driven by the desire for silence in his mind.
But for some reason, under the scorching hot, dry desert sun, Vash started to wonder if the color of Meryl’s hair had a hint of blue in it. Perhaps, it was the way her hair seamlessly blended into the hat’s fabric. And there were only a few times along their journey, Vash had seen Meryl without her signature hat, so it was hard to imagine her without it. Today, Vash concluded Meryl’s hair was black, an ebony color that complimented the blue of her beret. Her beret was paired nicely with a white attire that was too fancy for wandering around No Man’s Land in. Like him, her ensemble had acquired various dirt stains from the desert sands. Except in white, it was much more noticeable, compared to his all black garments. Vash assumed the stains partly came from her own clumsiness or Roberto’s consistent grabbings to escape danger. Meryl however didn’t mind the stains and claimed they were badges of honor and that it reflected her journalistic pursuits. It was from this, Vash noticed her headstrong nature and often wondered how despite the strange things they encountered along this journey, Meryl managed to find a positive to it.
Under the hot dry sun, Meryl’s earrings were more noticeable, especially with the way they shined or how it would move with Meryl’s various moods. He wondered where she had received the earrings from, especially since they were gold, a material that was hard to come by in No Man’s Land. Judging from the gold earrings and neatly pinned attire Meryl wore, he assumed she came from a family that was well-off, perhaps this exertion of theirs was her first time experiencing the harshness of No Man’s Land. He remembered she had gone to university in the city of November and strangely enough, Vash was interested in her stories from that time.
It wasn’t so much the stories that caught his eye but the way Meryl looked when she recalled those times. How quick her expressions changed with each moment she remembered. But he liked the times where she talked deeply about her goals and passions, how alive and animated she looked. For someone who has lived 100+ years, Vash never got tired of seeing people beam about their passions. For just a moment, Vash was able to live through them, even though he felt he was undeserving of any passions of his own. He didn’t even know what he wanted. Only knew what others wanted from him. And seeing Meryl be so determined and sure about her goals, Vash admired her for it. In some ways, he was also a bit jealous of how fortunate she was to freely dream.
She deserved to, unlike him.
He wondered why she and Roberto stuck around him for so long. The longer they stayed, the more Vash feared those dreams and hopes Meryl held were only going to fade and never come into fruition. But Meryl was determined and spoke about how unjustified his reputation and bounty were. Only knowing him for weeks, Meryl never fell into the talk that was said about him. Admittedly, Vash was grateful for her understanding, relieved she didn’t immediately run from him (though he wouldn’t blame her for it). He was stuck in a juxtaposition where he knew it was best for Meryl to separate herself from him but at the same time, was used to her company and willingly wished to remain her presence.
Maybe, under different circumstances, there’d be a chance to pursue something. In this lifetime, Vash came to the conclusion that romance and relationships were not in the cards dealt to him. He didn’t deserve to be loved in that way nor had time for commitment, especially with a bounty on his head. No one deserved to be put through that. Or be with someone who caused humans their miserable plight on this deserted planet, relying and often extorting his own kind to no end for their survival. Then there was his delicate, complicated relationship with his older brother, a relationship because of blood relations, Vash remained tied to. As a result he was often looked at with scorn, which he in return, took on willingly and without argument.
There was no use thinking about the what-ifs because that’s all they were, simply what-ifs that will never come true. Of course, it’d be a lie if Vash had said he hadn’t thought about it a few times, especially since the addition of Meryl and Roberto, the thought appeared more often than he would have liked. These would only remain thoughts but never into something solidified, as Vash was unsure if Meryl felt anything on her end. He doubted it, as she seemed very intent in providing him justice and fulfilling her dreams of becoming a well-known journalist. This journey together would remain the only remnant they would have of each other. After they go their separate ways, they will look back at this time with fondness and nostalgia.
It ached Vash to think this. In the span of his 150 years of living, he never really had traveling companions, outside of his time with Nai, Rem, and his home on ship three, but those moments seem so long ago, compared to his solitary life. But it would be selfish of him to believe his new companions all felt the same way. After all, somehow their interests all aligned in the moment, and once Vash reunites with his brother in Julai, this journey would come to an end. And they would never see each other again. No use in building unnecessary attachments.
Nonetheless, avoiding unnecessary attachments was easier said than done. Even though Vash was a plant in a biological sense, the desire for closeness and connection were hard to ignore, a trait of his that was uniquely human. It was hard to deny it, for the person that occupied his mind was electrifying and magnetic, drawing him to her. Often, Vash found himself above and adrift in places unknown, wanting his head to be filled with silence, but with Meryl around, he found himself grounded, desiring to be present wherever she was. No longer haunted by moments of his past, Vash was allowed to be engulfed in her passion, as conversations drift to questions about him, and things he desired. For now, they were temporal things, like good food and drinks, things beyond it were far from his reach, undeserving to him. But to Meryl, for some reason, things like that mattered. Almost like she believed he deserved more than the life he allowed himself to have.
Because of Meryl, Vash found himself believing in her words, more than once. Because of her, Vash found himself wanting to protect humans more. There were people who were like her, altruistic and good, willing to go the distance for others, even strangers. It was the reason he wanted to believe in the good in humanity rather than the bad. Because of her, Vash believed he could have a place within them. Because of her, Vash was able to see the results of Rem’s sacrifice. Meryl was living proof of that.
Rem was the only other person in Vash’s life who held an unwavering belief in him. She remained consistent in Vash’s core values. Rem created his unyielding belief in humanity despite all the bad he’s seen. Her hopes and dreams continued to live on inside of him and Vash desired nothing more than to see her dreams come into fruition.
And as he continued to spend time with Meryl, the more he saw bits and pieces of Rem, within her. Almost as if she too carried Rem’s spirit within her, even though Meryl didn’t know much about her or ever met her. Besides the spiritual similarity, Meryl and Rem also shared a liking for stories. The difference was Meryl preferred to read books and Rem was a big movie lover. But both women loved romance stories, which was a surprise to Vash, he didn’t think of Meryl as a hopeless romantic.
While he hadn’t read stories of romance, thanks to Rem, Vash had seen a few romantic movies. It wasn’t necessarily his cup of tea, he mainly enjoyed being in Rem’s company and the excitement in her voice when she shared the movies with him. He also remembered seeing Rem cry, one of the few times he’s seen her do so, but over sad endings and impactful scenes. He had often wondered about those times Rem cried during the movies, if she felt similar feelings to the protagonists they see on screen. Rem had her own version of a tragic romance, a lover she had to leave behind on Earth, to become a participant in Project Seeds. Vash was confused as to why Rem enjoyed watching those kinds of movies since they could bring about memories of her own tragic love. But Rem never saw her story as tragic and romance stories were a way she can relive those memories with her lover.
Vash wondered if Meryl shared similar feelings to Rem about romance stories. Was she holding on to remnants of a lover left behind or experienced a breakup that she relied on those stories to help her believe in the idea of romance again? Or was she simply a hopeless romantic, daydreaming of moments like the ones she’d read in her stories. Of what-ifs?
This was why Vash avoided entertaining such thoughts. Meryl deserved to be with someone who can keep her safe in this desolate land, not one who brought danger and destruction at every turn. One who can provide all the romantic gestures she dreamed about from her romance books, not one who had blood on his hands from countless lives he couldn’t save. For now, until the journey came to an end, Vash was satisfied with the way things were between them. In fact, in his mind, there shouldn’t be anything more between them.
In need of a distraction from his thoughts and a way to pass time since he and his companions decided to rest for the night from their travels, Vash sought for something to do. The sun was still up and Vash concluded it was a little early for alcohol so drinking was out of the question in terms of activities. Plus, he didn’t want to bring unwanted attention to him or his companions. They needed the rest and Vash didn’t want the whole town coming for their necks because of the bounty on his head. They managed to slip by without any incident and peaceful moments were always welcomed in Vash’s book.
After a few minutes pondering what time consuming and not so attention seeking activity Vash could do, a notepad got his attention. He brought the notepad to his open window with a view of the town the group settled in. The rundown homes and makeshift buildings reminded Vash of humans’ desire to survive despite the planet’s conditions, but the semi bittersweet feeling of knowing where those materials had come from soon followed.
Desiring to empty his mind of such thoughts, Vash found himself absently crafting an object with the paper. He carefully folded the creases, not knowing what he was making in particular, simply folding with precision. During his time in ship three, Vash, in between his excursions with Brad, developed a new hobby of creating shapes with paper. He often gave them out to Luida or other members of the crew, a warm feeling would follow whenever he saw their reactions to his creations. Sometimes, he’d get requests and often, these shapes would be an object a crew member had seen back in their time on Earth or from stories they heard. Vash didn’t mind the requests as he found the hobby to be a way to relax him and allowed minimal effort on his part.
It was through these requests, he learned about objects of flight that were called planes, a method of transportation similar to the ships they made home in. There were also animals Vash had never heard of, one that hopped and croaked, or bugs that transformed into beautiful creatures with intricate details on their wings. Luida allowed Vash to read about these creatures, his reasoning being he wanted to craft a paper object as close to the real thing as possible, in order to fulfill the request given to him.
This time, there was no request, no person to give his paper gift to. Vash only wanted to distract himself from his never ending myriad of thoughts and the feelings that closely followed.
“Ah, Vash!” A familiar voice chirped from below.
His attention was drawn, following the source of the voice right below him. He found Meryl holding small bags of items, remembering she was the next one in charge of restocking the group’s travel supplies, looking up with curious eyes and a hint of concern. Vash gave a silent wave and a friendly smile. He must have looked quite strange from her view, sitting by his window, one leg out of it while the other remained inside, and in his hand an unfamiliar paper object.
“Thanks for restocking the supplies. It’s a huge help.”
Meryl waved a hand in dismissal before placing the supply bags on the ground. Her arms crossed against her chest as she slightly tilted her head in curiosity, eyes focused on the paper object Vash held in his hand.
“I hope you weren’t getting into any trouble while I was out.”
Vash flashed a cheeky smile with a hand over his heart in mock display of hurt, “What do you mean trouble? I’m a model citizen.”
“What’s that in your hand?”
Vash looked over at his creation, realizing what he had built during his mindless frenzy, an object Meryl wouldn’t be familiar with, of course she’d be curious. His gaze turned from the paper object then to her in the ground below as an idea formed in his head. Vash raised a finger to find wind presence, finding only a slight breeze, but that was enough for him.
“Meryl, stay where you are!”
“Huh? What are you trying to do?”
“Try and catch this, okay?”
“Catch what? Vash, you’re not making any sense.”
Vash pointed to his paper creation then to Meryl, showing what she had to catch. In response, she raised her hands above her head, signaling she understood (somewhat), what he was getting at. Vash waited a few seconds for the perfect breeze to kick in before he released the paper object from his hand. It flew with the wind’s gust, its path was graceful and smooth, compared to Meryl’s frantic attempt to catch it. Her attempt elicited a chuckle from Vash, finding the action to be cute and charming. It was a side of her he wanted to see more of. Her hands clapped the sides of the object and Meryl’s eyes changed quickly from a look of confusion to curiosity the moment her eyes laid on the paper plane. She held the plane in her hand and raised it above her, a small smile formed on her lips.
“I caught it!”
Meryl curiously held the paper plane as her eyes scanned each folded part, amazed that such a small object can take flight with just a bit of air. Vash felt prompted to create another one for her to catch, creating a mini game for the two of them to play. He lifted a hand to signal her to wait where she was and quickly created a different style of plane.
“Try catching this one!”
Before Meryl could respond, Vash released the thinner plane toward the air. The wind was just right and the lightness of the plane rode seamlessly along it. Meryl still kept the other plane in her hand as she scrambled to catch the other, only this time she was chuckling at her uncoordinated attempt. The sound of her laughs created a warm feeling inside of Vash. It became a sound he wanted to hear more often.
“I caught the other one.” Meryl looked at the different planes. “How do you make these?”
It’s been a while since Vash had taught someone how to create his paper constructions. Sometimes, to pass time during his brief stints in different towns, Vash would teach the children and entertain them with races and flight practices. He grabbed a few pieces of paper from the notepad before joining Meryl at the patio of the inn. She was carefully taking the first paper plane apart, following the folds to recreate it.
“That’s one way to learn how to do it.” Vash chuckled, sitting beside her.
Meryl jumped slightly at the sound of his voice, unaware he was next to her, with the paper plane in hand.
“Ah, Vash! Uhm, what are these?”
“Paper planes.”
“Planes? Like one of those flying things that took people places on Earth?”
Vash nodded, not surprised Meryl knew what planes were, presumably learning them from her books or studies at the university. He held out a piece of paper and began to explain where to start folding. For a beginner, the simple style of plane would do, just like the first one he had created. Her eyes closely followed every step with some “Ohs” and “Ahs” as the paper transformed into a crafted work. To some, the act may seem silly and a waste of time, but like all things involving him, Meryl didn’t see it that way. When she looked earnestly, Vash felt the sudden urge to turn away, knowing if she looked any further, her discerning eye may uncover things Vash desperately wanted to keep hidden. For many years, he hadn’t encountered someone like this. Many never bothered to look and simply went along with rumors and ideas that floated around him. Some were embellishments and others held truth to them, but no other person sought to bring the truth about him like Meryl did.
When Vash finished his instruction, Meryl pressed her hands together in genuine amazement.
“Ah, I see! Can I try?”
He softly nodded and gave her a piece of paper, watching closely as she tried her best to recall the steps he had just shown. Meryl muttered things to herself and tilted her head in deep concentration, if only she had seen how adorable she looked in Vash’s eyes. He rested the side of his cheek against the knuckle of his prosthetic arm with a fond smile, making note to keep this image of Meryl in his memories, a simple moment of peace Vash would argue he didn’t deserve. But knew he craved more than anything. The chaotic, solitary life he led may seem exciting to a common adventurer but it was the quiet, mundane moments Vash wished for the most.
“Vash, I’m stuck, I forgot what comes next.” Meryl scratched the back of her sheepishly, “It doesn’t look like yours.”
Vash looked at her paper object, trying his best to determine what step she had left off on before calling for his help.
“Could you show me what you did before?”
Meryl took the paper and showed her previous step before she looked at him in silent questioning. Vash had done this many times, it was purely muscle memory at this point, so as soon as she showed where she left off previously, Vash understood quickly. He lifted a finger to direct where she needed to fold next, lightly making contact with the knuckle of her small hands. Meryl did as she was instructed and suggested he continue to show the next folds. They continued this process until Meryl finally finished her own paper creation. She quickly turned to Vash with a prideful smile.
“I did it! Thank you Vash!”
The feeling of gratitude always filled Vash with such warmth, especially being the recipient of one’s appreciation. It was the least Vash could do. Being helpful not only was driven by his innate instincts but also eased the guilt in his heart. He made peace knowing the guilt that resided in his heart would never go away, for as long as he lived, but he vowed to offset this with helping anyone, no matter how small or large the request may be.
Meryl quickly stood, the sound of the wood board beneath drew Vash back to the present. He was here, this time, helping Meryl out with the simple task of creating her very own paper plane. Now, she was excited to test her plane’s ability to fly. He smiled and again, thought Meryl’s excitement and fascination over an elementary object was quite adorable, even though she came from a prestigious university, Meryl held such an unjaded view of life. He hoped this slight naivety would continue to stick with her as she experienced more of life’s mysteries.
She was just like her. Just like Rem.
“Vash, stand there! Let me see if my plane can fly like yours!”
Vash chuckled and followed obediently to where she had wanted him to be. It was a short distance but Vash complied and even lifted a finger to test the wind’s presence. Meryl did the same as her earrings swayed with her head’s movements. When the wind made itself known, they both looked directly at each other with a smile. Immediately, Meryl released the plane with eyes focused on its path. While her plane’s path was not as smooth as his, it was able to fly for a couple seconds.
Because both of their attention was focused on the little plane, they were not aware of the imminent collision that was to come. Meryl followed her plane’s movements, body seeking to follow its path, while Vash watched her plane in quiet concentration, thinking about the changes they could make to improve the plane’s flight. It wasn’t until the plane began its descent that Vash was immediately made aware of Meryl’s tiny body bumping into him.
“Mer–”
Because of her short frame, her weight didn’t catch him too off guard. But his hands promptly secured themselves around her body, hoping to prevent her from harming herself when bumping against him. He was quite sturdy and Meryl would be the one affected more than him. In fact, Vash realized if he hadn’t stood where he was, Meryl surely would have fallen over trying to catch her plane. Teal eyes looked down at the young journalist in his arms, breath hitched from the sudden contact and the warm feeling of her body.
It had seemed that Meryl hadn’t fully noticed their sudden closeness until she found her paper plane in between their bodies. The way her eyes looked in confusion at the contrast of the plane’s white color against his black turtleneck. Once Meryl took hold of the situation, she let out a tiny gasp as her eyes looked up at Vash's. Her cheeks flushed furiously red, realizing how close they were because Vash had enveloped her tiny body into a polite embrace.
Unsure on how to ease the awkward tension that had risen, Vash’s hands left her back and Meryl briskly distanced herself. It was undeniable of how sensitive the moment had become and Vash sought to diffuse the situation with a nervous chuckle. He sheepishly scratched the back of his head. Meryl looked downcast, face still beet red from their contact, her mind also trying to find a way to calm the situation. The plane laid immobile on the ground between them, seemingly forgotten.
“Ah, sorry about that, Meryl! I should have warned you sooner or moved out of the way quicker.”
Meryl’s head shot up as she shook her head, “No, Vash! It was my fault, I was too focused on the plane.”
She didn’t need to apologize. He should have been quicker to prevent their collision.
“I should have at least warned you…”
“I was the one who wanted to fly the plane to you. I didn’t need to move.”
“You were excited, that’s all. Nothing wrong with that.”
“But–” Meryl began to counter but stopped when she saw Vash pick up the plane. He brushed the dirt off the plane’s edges and handed it to her with a smile.
“Not bad for your plane’s first flight. Not many stay up as high as yours did.”
Meryl looked at him again, the same analytical look she’d make, the look that Vash knew was attempting to decipher something about him. Before she could look further, Vash quietly walked back into the inn, waving behind him. But the warmth of Meryl’s body continued to linger, even if their contact was a brief moment. He had to excuse himself from the situation, not knowing what might have happened if he allowed himself to stay further. Maybe, she would have figured something out, maybe had him believe that those small moments with her was something he deserved.
But for now, there was no truth to the sentiment. No use in entertaining the idea. For he was Vash the Stampede, a man whose life was meant to be done in solitude. He was capable of giving life to a small paper but at the same time, had the ability to destroy anything he touched. Like a paper plane, Vash the Stampede’s path went in all sorts of directions, and sometimes, the descent wasn’t always a smooth landing. Unlike his paper plane game with Meryl where his planes had someplace to land, Vash was the opposite. No place or someone to fall back on. A lonely life Vash believed he resigned to.