Chapter Text
Joel decides the only way to get through this weekend is to focus on his list. A list of all the things that need to get packed or done before they leave. Before he drives his oldest daughter 162 miles away and leaves her there. That concept alone is foreign to him, dropping her off somewhere without a plan on when she'll be back.
For the past 17 years of her life, anytime he dropped her anywhere, there was a conversation about how she would get home. Am I picking you up? Are you being dropped off? What time are you being dropped off? Call me if you need me to come pick you up.
Then she could drive herself, and the conversation revolved around knowing where she was and when she'd be home. Text me when you leave. Text when you get there. Text me if you'll be late. Don't forget your curfew. Keep your location on in case something happens. An 18-year-long constant conversation around where she was, where she was going, and most importantly when she would be home. Now he's supposed to drop her off with no set time on when he'll see her again.
If he thinks about this for too long, his heart starts to tighten up, and it feels like he can't breathe, and he doesn't have time for that. He can't fall apart as much as he wants to; Sarah doesn't deserve that; she's worked too hard for this, and he knows she feels guilty about leaving him and Ellie. So, he holds it together for her and for Ellie, who, at 13, needs him to both keep his shit together and get his shit together.
So, he sticks to his list.
(He also tries to remind himself that she will be less than 3 hours away at Rice University in Houston. However, if it's not the room next to his, it could be Houston or the moon; the distance feels the same.)
The decision for her to go to Rice had been its own odyssey; she'd considered UT, of course, but then decided that she wanted to stretch her wings a little. She looked at SMU but wasn't completely sold on moving to Dallas. As a lifelong Austinite, she couldn't bring herself to go to A&M. Some of the religious curriculum at Baylor weirded her out, and the universities in San Antonio were a little smaller than she was looking for. Her grandparents were helping fund her college education, so she dutifully considered a few California schools near them but decided she didn't want to go that far. She'd finally settled on Rice, but she's open to transferring to UT if she wants to come home.
Her grandparents helping fund her college was a whole other issue. One that she and Joel had argued about for months. Joel was not eager to let her take their money; he didn't like the implication that he couldn't care for his daughter, especially to the two people who had always disapproved of him. They'd disapproved of many things Michelle did, such as dating Joel, staying with him after high school, attending nursing school instead of medical school, and getting pregnant at 21. They didn't meet Sarah until she was almost 6 months old, despite living less than an hour away in San Antonio. After Michelle died, their disapproval turned to anger, mostly toward Joel. They didn't think he could raise Sarah on his own and suggested several times that they should raise Sarah, the implication being that they could give her a better life. He refused the offer multiple times, but one awful night, he had a moment where it seemed that Sarah would be better off with them and Joel would be better off not around at all. Thank god for Tommy, who talked him down and reminded him that these were two people who had been so angry with their daughter for not following their plan for her that they'd cut her out and refused to meet their granddaughter for months. They're not who should be raising Sarah, and Joel agreed. He told them no one final time, and it looked like they would try to get a lawyer involved for a minute, but thankfully, they backed down and backed away. They moved back to California, where they were from when he retired from the military a year later. In the end, they were angry at themselves for icing out their only child and not being able to make amends with her before she died.
They drifted in and out of Sarah's life after that, sending a birthday card or Christmas gift most years, but that was about it. When Sarah was about 10, they started reaching out more; they said they wanted to make up for lost time. Joel always let Sarah dictate her relationship with them; they're her grandparents. She'd been a little wary at first after years of radio silence, but as she got older, she'd relaxed and let them in more; they're one of the few links to her mother, and she didn't want to make the same mistakes that plagued both sides of her family; cutting people out and not having time to make things right. She started going for visits during summer vacations or for part of her winter break. They visit Texas once a year to see friends and always include a few days in Austin to spend time with Sarah on those trips. They've still never warmed to Joel; too much has happened, and while he is not the drunk driver who ran a light and killed their daughter, he's still tied to the years they didn't see her and to her death. The relationship has been upgraded from openly hostile to civil for Sarah's sake, and Joel figures that's as good as it's going to get.
It was Sarah's idea to ask them about helping her pay for college; she is their only grandchild, and while they're not the Gilmores, as Ellie likes to refer to them, they're very comfortable. The money for her tuition will barely make a dent in their bank account, and Joel still has to worry about paying for Ellie's college tuition. They immediately said yes, and they assured Sarah there were no strings attached to the money; they were just happy to be able to help. As far as Sarah is concerned, it's a win for everyone. Joel still isn't happy with the arrangement or that Sarah did most of it behind his back, knowing he'd try to stop her, but he's decided to hold his peace on the matter.
It's late Saturday, and they've just gotten home from Sarah's goodbye BBQ at Bill and Franks. Tommy and Maria had been there, Denise and her family, the Adlers had made it over for a while, and a few other neighbors who watched Sarah grow up. Joel was pleasantly surprised by the turnout. Some of the neighbors he didn't know very well, but they all seemed to have a story about Sarah, selling Girl Scout cookies during her brief stint in the scouts, candy bars for soccer fundraisers, summer lemonade stands, and winter hot chocolate booths. In the last couple of years, she's become a favorite babysitter for several young families that have moved into the neighborhood. Many of them stopped by to thank her, a few taking notes on dates she plans to be back for visits. Sarah was sent home with gift cards and cash to help get her settled in Houston, which he knows she appreciated. Bill sent her home with a few days of packed meals she could heat up in a dorm room and a stern warning that it was okay to learn but to never stop thinking for herself. Frank slipped her a miniature framed painting of an Owl, the Rice mascot, for her wall that he had painted in purple, her favorite color.
Joel could tell that Sarah was starting to feel overwhelmed as the evening went on, but she managed to keep it together until they walked into the house. She collapsed against him on the couch in tears, second-guessing what appeared to be every decision she'd ever made. "What if I hate Houston?" She cries into his chest. "What if I hate Rice? What if I fail?" "You're not going to fail," Joel says against the top of her head, rubbing firm circles along her back. "If you don't like it, finish the semester, and we'll find something else. There are a lot of colleges in the state, baby girl. If this one doesn't fit, we'll find one that does." "It would be so embarrassing to fail and have to come back and admit that to everyone." I don't want to be a disappointment." Sarah is starting to sound more upset by the second, and Joel is beginning to worry about her developing a migraine. She'd started getting them around 13, and they'd intensified until about 15, seemingly brought on by stress, after a come to Jesus moment for Joel when Sarah was 15, and the changes from that, the migraines eased up a lot. They'd picked back up again in the last 6 months as she made final decisions on school and prepared to leave. "Baby, you're going to be fine; I know…I know it's a huge change, but if anyone can make it work, you can, and I'll still be here for you. You will never disappoint me. No matter what, I'm always team Sarah." Sarah nods, but her tears don't stop, and Joel feels utterly useless as he continues to just squeeze her tighter and rub her back.
Ellie hovers anxiously nearby, unsure of what to do with her big sister not being calm and in control. Joel finally sends her upstairs to get ready for bed; she's working her way up to an anxiety attack, and he can't deal with 2 meltdowns right now.
He's about to tell Sarah that she can change her mind, not do any of it, and they'll come up with a new plan. He'll help her get out of anything she wants, anything to make her feel better. Before he can, she sits up, takes a deep shuddering breath, and whispers, "Enough." She gives Joel a long hug, murmuring, "Sorry for freaking out, I'll be okay." "You have nothing to be sorry for." He assures her, holding on to her for an extra second before releasing her. "You okay?" He asks, moving a strand of hair out of her face. He needs to make sure, and Sarah nods, grabs the things she'd brought home from the party, and heads upstairs.
Joel sits for a few minutes longer, worrying about Sarah. Her being so far away in a city much larger than Austin and being unable to get to her quickly if she needs him. He's moved on to worrying about floods and hurricanes when he realizes he's spiraling and decides he needs to get up and do something, anything. He goes to the kitchen, puts away the food Bill sent for Sarah, and finds other meaningless tasks to complete downstairs before realizing that it's almost midnight.
They'll need to be up early to get everything loaded and drive to Houston. The drive is just under 3 hours, but he knows they'll probably need to stop at least once. Ellie will demand a Buc-ee's visit, and he wants to give them extra time to get down through Houston traffic and make it for when Sarah's 2pm move-in window opens. She could have had one extra night at home, but the second day of freshman move-in falls the day before Ellie's first day of 8th grade. Sarah suggested it would be better for Ellie to have a day between her leaving and starting school. Joel agreed, so they're moving her in on Sunday, and he'd take Monday off to spend with Ellie. Hopefully, she'll be good to go on Tuesday morning.
Ellie will be a bear if she doesn't get enough sleep, so Joel heads up to make sure she is at least moving towards bed if not already there. Before he reaches the top of the stairs, he hears giggles from Sarah's room and sees a soft purple glow. She found colored lightbulbs in middle school and didn't look back, changing as many as she could get away with in the house. Joel finally got tired of turning on the living room light and having it be green, so he banished colored bulbs to the bedrooms. As she got older, that silly purple light became a comfort; it meant Sarah was home. He begins to feel uneasy thinking about all the nights when there's no purple glow of reassurance that his oldest is where she needs to be. He can text her to check in, but that feels more like invading her space; it’s not the comforting purple light.
He peeks his head in and finds both girls crammed in Sarah's bed; Ellie snuggled in close to her sister, playing with her hair and focusing on her like she's afraid she'll disappear if she looks away.
Sarah looks better than she had; her face is still a little puffy from crying, but she's completed her evening skin routine and seems happy to be cuddled up with her sister for the night.
Joel's taken back to so many similar moments over the years. Baby Ellie lying next to Sarah on the living room floor or on the bed. Fingers in her hair, beaming up at her big sister. Sarah was always so excited to help with her baby. She was endlessly patient with tiny hands that pulled at her hair and clothes.
Sarah looked up at him one day when he'd walked into a similar scene; "Daddy, do you think she loves me?"
"I think you're her favorite." he'd told her, and Sarah had glowed with pride.
All these years later, he's sure that's still the case. For all the sisterly bickering and little jealousies, his girls are incredibly close, maybe the one good thing to come out of all the years he worked too much and left them alone together. The thought makes his eyes water, and he tries to sneak away before the girls see him and give him hell. They've been calling him a mush for years.
Sarah spots him before he can back away and beckons him in, "we're having a sister sleepover," she explains. Ellie nods pointedly in agreement, like she knows he's about to tell her to go to bed, daring him to say no to Sarah on her last night at home.
Joel nods as he walks over and pulls the blanket up over them. "Just make sure there is some sleep that happens tonight; we have a big day tomorrow." He gets the eye rolls and sighs he expects, but he knows Sarah won't let it go too long.
He kisses both girls good night, lingering for an extra second with his hand on Sarah's head, focusing on her and not the boxes stacked in the room around him. The walls, previously covered with posters and photos and recently Ellie's drawings, have a few notable gaps where things have been taken down and packed so they can go up again in her dorm room. He's secretly relieved at how small her dorm room is; it means that a lot of her stuff is staying here, and maybe that will make it easier to bear; she's not gone for good; she's coming back. See, her stuff is here!
After saying good night to the girls, he takes his own advice and gets ready for bed. He can't seem to quiet his running mind, full of trying to remember everything they need to do the next day, mixed with memories of Sarah growing up. He's about to give up and go downstairs to try and get some work done when he hears the door squeak open. He pushes himself up, expecting to see Ellie tiptoeing in, but is surprised to see Ellie and Sarah peeking their heads into the room. After a pause and a nod from Joel, both bound onto the bed, pushing him to the middle. Joel grumbles for a second, but it's for show, and the girls know it as they settle in around him.
"We decided we need a family sleepover tonight," Sarah announces, wrapping her arms around his bicep and pressing her forehead into his shoulder. He smiles and kisses the top of her head while Ellie works herself under his other arm.
"When's the last time we all slept in here?" Ellie asks, settling her head on his other shoulder.
"Was it the ice storm last year when we lost power?" Sarah asks, "Or the last time we were both sick?"
"I think it was the ice storm." Joel answers as he presses his nose into the crown of her head, trying to imprint the smell of coconut shampoo and moisturizer into his brain, "Only one night, though; we slept downstairs in front of the fireplace the next night and then spent a night with Bill and Frank when the generator finally died."
The girls hum in agreement, not eager to remember how bitterly cold those nights without power had been. Even with a generator, they had been limited on how much electricity they could use.
"Remember all those times we were both sick and had to stay in here?" Sarah pipes up, laughing a little. "That spring break when it poured rain the whole week, and we both had colds, and Dad read us Harry Potter all day for like 3 days straight."
"About near lost my voice after so much reading." Joel tries to sound grumpy, but it was one of his favorite weeks with the girls. Work had stopped due to the near-constant downpours, so he spent 3 days curled up with his kids, reading and taking long naps. The runny noses and phlegmy coughs hadn't ruined the week; it just made them cuddlier.
"Was it the reading or trying to perfect your Hagrid voice?" Sarah teases him.
He feels Ellie snicker next to him. "Your Hagrid voice is iconic, Dad. You should pull it out more."
"Thanks, baby," he says, giving her a small poke in her side where she's ticklish, "I'll make sure to use it when I meet your teachers on back-to-school night."
"You should!" Ellie burst out laughing, "That would be hilarious."
"Yeah, yeah." Joel shakes his head, regretting the offer.
"Was that the year Ellie's cold was actually pneumonia, and she almost ended up in the hospital?" Sarah asks.
Joel shudders at the memory. "No, that was a couple years later. Ellie, you can't just get a cold like everyone else?"
Ellie shrugs. "Anyone can get a cold; not everyone can get pneumonia."
"I'd prefer you leave that to everyone else from now on, please."
"Why did you make us stay in here when we were both sick?" asks Ellie, changing the subject away from her ability to take any mild illness and make it life threatening. Taking it to Ellievan they like to call it.
"Oh, it was easier to have you contained in one place, less running from room to room, and you kept each other entertained." This is the story Joel always tells them. The truth that both have forgotten or never realized is that it was never a rule; they just started doing it. The winter Ellie was 1, they both came down with awful chest colds and ended up in his bed one night after waking up with coughs and fevers. He had to keep both home the next day, and they never left his bed. He wasn't about to make two sick kids move, so they just stayed all day and the next night.
After that, they migrated to his bed when they were sick because that was the rule. Joel finds it mildly amusing that they strictly adhere to the fake house rule but have little regard for actual house rules.
"Can I still come in here when I'm sick?" Ellie asks, looking up at him, a hint of worry in doe eyes. Joel nods and tugs her closer, pressing his cheek to her forehead, "I expect nothing less." He glances at Sarah, "Same goes for you; you can always come here when you're sick."
"Watch what you offer; I'll call you to come get me anytime I'm stuffed up because I need someone to put Vicks under my nose and rub my back until I fall asleep."
"Anytime." He promises, and suddenly, another worry is added to his list; what if she gets really sick? Who will take care of her? Who else knows that besides Bill's homemade chicken soup, she only likes the H-E-B brand chicken noodle soup and can't take aspirin because it upsets her stomach.
Sarah must notice him tense up because she squeezes his hand and says, "I'll call if I'm sick, and you can come drag me home and fuss over me."
Joel simply squeezes her hand in return and says, "Thank you."
It's quiet for a few minutes, just the low hum of the air conditioning and the soft whir of the ceiling fan overhead.
"Hey, remember at our old apartment when you and I had to share a room?" Sarah asks, laughing to herself, "Right? We only had one bedroom?"
Joel chuckles, "Yeah, you remember right; we were there until you were…maybe almost 4, and then we moved into the apartment with a bedroom and a dining room. You slept in the dining room; we lived there until we moved here, about 6 weeks before Ellie was born."
"Wait," Ellie sits up suddenly, looking annoyed. "I got shipped off to a shrink when I was like 6 because I kept sleeping in here, but Sarah got to share a room with you for 3 whole years?? What the fuck, man!"
"Okay, you were almost 8, not 6, and you had a room. There was nowhere else for Sarah to sleep." Joel attempts to pull her back down next to him, but she remains sitting, her glare evident even in the dark room.
Sarah rolls her eyes at her sisters' dramatics. "Yeah, sorry that by the time you were born, there was like a house with a yard and your own room and, I don't know, consistent childcare."
Ellie grumbles but finally lays back down, still shooting daggers at Joel even as she curls back up against him.
Joel winces a little, remembering how hard it had been when Sarah was little. That tiny apartment in a crappy part of town, a rusted swing set on one side that he was afraid to let her play on and where he was pretty sure he saw a drug deal go down once or twice. While he worked, she bounced between his mom, one of his mom's neighbors, Tommy, a cousin who was close by, and the one neighbor he trusted just enough for emergency backup.
He and Sarah grew up together during those first few years. He'd made mistake after mistake while putting himself back together after Michelle's death and figuring out how to raise a kid when he wasn't much older than one. Sarah seemed to let it all roll off her, accepted this was part of the ride, and adapted when needed, even when it was a new baby that demanded a ton of attention and all the responsibility thrown her way too young. It hadn't been the easiest road, but now she's heading to college. Something neither he nor Tommy had ever managed to do.
For all the mistakes he's made with Ellie, all the ways he feels that he has failed her, all the ways her mom has failed her and continues to do so, she came into the world with one moderately experienced parent. They didn't have much extra money but had been at his job with Servopoulos Construction long enough to earn a couple promotions and pay increases. Thanks to his mom's life insurance, he could buy a house in a nicer neighborhood that came with a neighbor who ran her own daycare and offered a neighbor discount, so childcare was rarely an issue. They'd acquired honorary grandparents in Bill and Frank, and with the Adlers next door always eager to help and Tommy close by, they had their village, and that's the only life Ellie has known.
Ellie has one other thing Sarah didn't, a big sister who took one look at her in her NICU incubator and declared that she was her baby.
The adults had all laughed, "Aww, such a little mama," several nurses commented, but Sarah took it seriously, even more so after Anna left.
It was a hot, sticky September afternoon when Joel finally had to admit Anna wasn't coming back. Ellie was on the floor having tummy time with Sarah lying beside her, waving various toys in front of her face. Ellie was still so tiny; in fact, she'd been back in the NICU a couple weeks earlier due to not eating and losing several ounces, and when you enter the world at not quite 4 pounds, a few ounces is a lot.
Joel thinks that the final NICU stay may have been what pushed Anna over the edge; it had been too much on top of her own postpartum issues.
Sarah gazed up at him solemnly as he explained that Anna had to go away and that Ellie would stay with them. She'd then looked down at her little sister, taken her tiny hands in hers, kissed her forehead, and looked back at Joel with a look of determination he has come to know well; "I'll help take care of her, Daddy, she's my baby too." Joel had assured her that he could take care of her and Ellie, that this was his job, and he was so happy to do it, and she didn't need to worry about anything. It was too late; Sarah had declared she would help and clung to those words like an oath for the past 13 years.
The difference shows; Ellie is less self-reliant and struggles when left alone for too long. While Sarah developed a bit of a stiff upper lip, Ellie cried the previous day when they were out of her favorite cereal. Joel has mixed feelings about these differences; on the one hand, he worries about Ellie being mature enough to handle bigger things as she grows older. Selfishly, he likes that she's been able to be a kid a little longer. The longer she needs him to help her navigate life, the longer he can feel useful. Logically, he knows this is part of being the youngest, and he's overthinking everything.
The girls spend a few more minutes playing, "Do you remember?"
"Do you remember when there was a tornado nearby, and Dad made us hide in the closet downstairs?"
"Do you remember when Uncle Tommy taught us to pop out the window screens, and we dropped water balloons on Dad while he mowed the lawn?"
"Do you remember when dad was gone, and Uncle Tommy let try sliding down the stairs on cardboard boxes, and Sarah hit the banister and got a bloody nose?"
(Joel did not know about the stair sledding or bloody nose, and it was only being pinned in by the girls that kept him from sending a strongly worded text to his brother.)
The girls finally drop off, head on each shoulder, their hands meeting on his chest. He smiles, remembering when Ellie was a baby and would fall asleep on his chest, and Sarah would snuggle on his other side and reach over to stroke Ellie's nose and hands. He also remembers way back to when Sarah would be asleep on top of him, her little body curled in the center of his chest, like a cat, he always thought. Right after Michelle died, Joel would put Sarah to sleep in his bed, more for him than her; the loneliness felt less overwhelming with her there within arm's reach. Finally, just after her first birthday, he started putting her back in her crib.
Now she's going to college.
He lays awake a little longer, soaking in the moment, committing it to memory, something to hold on to when both are out on their own. He manages to drift off a few minutes later, even with Ellie drooling on his shoulder.
Joel's up first the next day, bright and early, and he manages to extract himself from the tangle of arms and legs without waking anyone up. The first order of business is breakfast. He goes out to get kolaches and breakfast tacos from Sarah's favorite neighborhood shop, stopping at a nearby coffee shop for her favorite lavender latte, a black coffee for himself, and some Frappuccino concoction for Ellie that has no caffeine but lots of sugar, basically a milkshake.
He arrives home to find Sarah awake, dressed in shorts and one of his old t-shirts tied up at her waist, hair piled on her head. She's at the kitchen table, and the morning sun pouring in creates a golden backdrop behind her. Her purple notebook and colored pens are in front of her, and she's working on what he assumes is one of several lists she has going.
He remembers their first morning in the house; Sarah was the first one up and had helped herself to a cereal bar and juice box. Joel had come down a few minutes later and found her sitting at that exact spot at the kitchen table, surrounded by boxes, drawing in an old notebook. She'd looked like a little fairy in her flowy pink nightgown with puffy sleeves, her curls loose and glowing in the morning sun.
"Daddy, I'm makin' a list of what I need to do in my room," she announced while he'd fumbled with the coffee maker, the only appliance he had bothered to plug in the night before. Her list had been mostly squiggles with a few words here and there, not bad for a 4-year-old.
From then on, that spot was hers, and when Joel thinks of Sarah, he usually thinks of her first in the kitchen. Sarah, at the kitchen table, "helping" feed Ellie her breakfast, keeping her occupied while Joel made dinner, finishing her homework, or helping Ellie finish hers. Later, when she became the family breakfast maker, he'd come down to find her at the stove, Ellie flitting about helping or hindering; it was tough to say some days. Some mornings, they were bickering about something or other, and he would be greeted with "Daaaad, she…" insert sisterly transgression. However, most mornings, he'd come in to find them laughing together, either at one of Ellie's jokes or something at school or, as was usually the case, at Joel.
It's silly, feeling this maudlin. Sarah will be back; she's just going away to college, only 162 miles away. She'll be home on holidays and some weekends and summer vacations. For how long, though, a nagging voice in his head asks. How long before she's skipping holidays or weekends to spend with friends or boyfriends? How many summers before she's busy with an internship or study abroad? How many mornings will he have with her before she's grown and gone?
He takes a deep breath before going too far down that rabbit hole, remembering his promise to himself not to ruin this for her.
"You know, between you and Ellie, it's a wonder I have any clothes in my closet." He says, dropping a kiss on her head and placing the coffee cup in front of her.
Her eyes light up, and she tilts her head to grin up at him. "Thank you! I was hoping to find time for a latte before I left!"
He smiles and places the paper bag stuffed with breakfast food on the table next to her. "There's more, Kolaches and breakfast tacos from Tacos and Donuts down the street. When I told them you were leaving for college today, they threw in a couple donuts. Sarah cheers as she eagerly reaches for the bag of goodies. "Save a donut for your sister, please." He says as he grabs some plates and paper towels for napkins.
Sarah nods as she pulls out a sausage kolache and an egg and bacon breakfast taco and sets them on one of the plates. "I know she's slept in your room all week." She glances up at him as he walks towards the table. "Is…is she okay?"
"She'll be fine; you know how she is; gets anxious before big changes. Don't worry about it, baby. I'll take care of her."
"She didn't eat much last night either, and she normally devours Bill's brisket."
"Honey, I promise, Ellie will be fine. Just give her a few days to adjust, and she'll be back to her old self." Sarah nods but doesn't look up. "Hey." She looks up to meet his gaze, "I'll make sure she's okay. I've gotten her to 13."
Sarah gives him a small smile, but he can tell she's still worrying. "I also know Anna texted you, and she's left town with her new boyfriend." Sarah purposely avoids eye contact as she puts salsa on her taco. "Does Ellie know?"
Joel lets out a long sigh as he sits down next to her and takes a long sip of coffee; he'd been putting off thinking about that for about a week. "I haven't said anything to her yet, but I'm sure she knows somethings up. Probably another reason she's been a little off all week."
"You know how I feel about it."
"I know, and you're not…wrong, but I… don't want to go there." he shakes his head, taking a large swig of coffee.
"Have you thought about the other…thing?"
"Yeah, and let's just wait for a little bit, get you settled in college before we make any final decisions or make any official changes."
"Why are you being so weird about this? I'm 18; I would be legally allowed to get custody of Ellie if anything happens to you."
"Honey, I know, and it's not that I don't trust you, but if, and that's IF, something happens to me in the next couple of years, I don't want to leave you with a teenager to raise, while you still are one." It's the same argument they've been having since Sarah turned 18 last month.
She presses her lips together into a thin line before responding. "She's my sister, and if, god forbid, something happens to you, I don't trust anyone else to take care of her."
"I'm sure Uncle Tommy will be thrilled to hear that."
"You know what I mean, I'm the best person to—" She's interrupted by the sound of a thump upstairs and footsteps walking around; Joel shakes his head at her; this is the last conversation he wants Ellie to overhear.
"We'll finish this later."
Sarah shrugs and gives him a wry smile; "If you live that long."
Joel rolls his eyes, "Thanks." He rubs his hands over his face. This is not the conversation he wanted to have on Sarah's last morning at home. "What kind of lists are you making?" he asks, changing the subject before Ellie comes down.
"I was going over my packing list and the list of reminders for you."
Joel groans while rolling his eyes, "You have more reminders?" He teases, "On top of the binder of instructions in my office and calendar on the fridge filled in until the end of the year?"
Sarah shrugs, "Can't let you guys fall apart when I'm gone; it always gets crazy when school starts."
"We'll be okay, baby, I swear I can take care of Ellie." She gives him a look. "And myself."
Before he can say more, Ellie comes down the stairs, rubbing sleep out of her eyes. "Why did everyone leave me?" she whines, shuffling over to Joel and leaning on him until he pushes away from the table enough for her to crawl on his lap. He doesn't say anything; he just gently pulls her down and lets her lay her head on his shoulder as he rubs her back. Usually, he'd grump at her that she was getting too big for this. Today, he finds it comforting, a reminder that while he has one daughter leaving the nest, he still has one at home that needs him.
"There's a donut waiting for you," he tells her quietly, and she nods, burying her face in his neck. "One of those all-sugar concoctions from the coffee place, too; you can get all hopped up on sugar before we leave. We have lots of work to do today to get Sarah moved." He feels her nod her head again.
"I need your help this morning," Sarah says, standing up and stacking her notebook and pens; I have final things to pack, and you're going to help me.
Still pressed against his neck, Ellie grumbles, "You just want a last chance to boss me around!" Joel squeezes her side and is rewarded with a long whine and swat at his hand. Someone is not yet in the mood for teasing.
"Well, I won't get to for a while," Sarah responds briskly, undeterred by her sister's mood, "you have 15 minutes to eat and 10 to get dressed and brush your teeth, and then we get to work!"
"When does she leave again?" Ellie asks, scowling, but she does twist around in Joel's lap to grab her donut and Frappuccino before leaning back against him.
"You gonna move so I can finish eating?" He asks her, and she just shakes her head,
"Nope." Ellie says, popping the P extra, "You're comfortable." Joel rolls his eyes but doesn't make her move; he just reaches around her for his taco.
Sarah glances over at them, "You're a weird kid."
"YOU'RE a weird kid," Ellie retorts, slurping her drink.
"You're both weird kids." Joel says, "I have weird kids."
"Yeah," Ellie says, mouth full of donut, "but where do you think we got it from?"
Joel graciously lets this and the following giggles go, simply allowing himself to enjoy the girls laughing together for one last morning, even at his expense.
Tommy arrives a few minutes later just as Joel is nudging Ellie out of his lap and upstairs to get changed. "Don't make your sister come down and get you; she's not playing today."
Ellie obliges grudgingly, passing Tommy as he walks in. He ruffles her hair as she walks by, "Hey, Ellie Mae, you ready to be an only child?"
"That's not my fucking name!" Ellie snaps.
"Ellie!" Joel admonishes her for the early morning cursing at a family member.
"Well, only because your parents didn't let me help name you," Tommy replies good-naturedly flicking her ponytail.
"I guess that's one thing they did right, then." Ellie retorts, spinning back towards the stairs.
"Ellie!" Man, her mood went down hill fast; so much for the sugar rush.
"Eh, let go," Tommy says good-naturedly, as they listen to her stomp up the stairs, "she's not wrong."
"Sorry about her; I don't think she's completely sold on the only-child lifestyle yet."
Tommy grabs a breakfast taco from the bag and starts adding salsa. "Give her a couple days; Ellie was built to be an only child; she's going to love having your undivided attention."
Joel can't argue with that and pulls down three travel mugs and grabs Sarah's creamer from the fridge.
"How's Papa Bear feeling about being down a cub?" Joel doesn't answer. He can't answer without letting everything he's keeping tamped down seep out, and that can't happen now and not in front of his little brother. He just hands Tommy a cup of coffee and heads upstairs to start getting ready. "Drink up; there are lots of boxes to move today."
They are surprisingly fast getting everything packed up, or not, considering it's Sarah, and she had the boxes color-coded and separated into categories. Despite the lack of dorm space, she still has enough stuff to fill Joel's truck and her car, but they get it all loaded and are on the road just after 10, only about 15 minutes later than Joel had planned.
The drive down is relatively smooth, if not dull. How two large cities only 163 miles apart can have nothing interesting between them has always baffled Joel. There isn't even a major highway directly connecting the two cities. Much of the drive is on a 4-lane road that includes stop lights when you hit the small towns that dot the route until you hit I-10, an actual freeway. By then, you're almost to the outermost suburbs of Houston and about to be slowed down by Houston traffic.
Ellie rides with Sarah, which always makes Joel nervous. It's not Sarah's driving; it's the other drivers he doesn't trust, not when his whole heart is in one car going 70 down a highway. Tommy rides with him and, thankfully, keeps up a steady stream of conversation around current work projects, a couple of things they are considering putting in a bid on, and even a little gossip about a few of the guys and their significant others. Joel doesn't pay much attention, but it keeps him from spiraling during the monotonous drive through rural Texas.
He has to focus once they reach Houston and its 6-lane highways and bumper-to-bumper traffic, even at 1pm on a Sunday. He's white-knuckling it by the time they enter the Rice campus in downtown Houston and is happy the girls weren't with him to hear the long string of curse words he'd uttered during the last 45 minutes.
(It wouldn't have upset them; they would have just enjoyed it way too much, especially Ellie.)
"How many fucking freeways does one city need?" He grumps to Tommy as they begin fighting through the on-campus traffic and trying not to hit the many, many excited 18-year-olds more interested in exploring their new home than paying attention to the large moving vehicles having to slam on their breaks each time one darted across the road with little prior warning.
"Bigger city, what do you exp- Oooh, watch it!"
Joel grunts in reply.
They get a spot near Sarah's building through luck and start unloading. Sarah's color-coding system includes the order items are to be unloaded, which Joel tries to adhere to, Tommy pretends to, and Ellie flat-out ignores, grabbing the smallest items she can reach without assistance.
"Dad!!" Ellie exclaims when she sees him, "I forgot that the Zoo and the Natural History Museum are right next to campus! That's it, I'm coming to Rice too!"
While happy to see Ellie's mood had improved from the morning, most likely assisted by the Beaver Nuggets and giant slushie she'd gotten at Buc-ee's (only because Sarah bought them for her before Joel could get inside and veto this snack combination.), Joel isn't in a headspace to contemplate both of his kids leaving home."
"You don't need to start thinking about colleges yet; I'll make sure you get to visit plenty." Ellie shrugs and goes on her way, but he notices Sarah giving him a knowing look and a small smile as she grabs more items to load onto the carts provided.
Sarah's roommate arrives about 30 minutes after they do, a sweet girl from Dallas named Molly. She's with her mom, stepdad, and 2 younger brothers, one the same age as Ellie and the other a couple of years younger. Molly, also being the oldest child, had been one of the things that had jumped out to Sarah when going through the roommate matching portal and what the girls had bonded over immediately. Sarah had been relieved to find her; "I just don't know if I could deal with an only child," she'd told Joel seriously as she'd started the housing process. "I need someone that… you know, gets it."
The girls had met over the summer to discuss their room and get to know each other, so they greet each other happily and get to work putting their plans into action. The four adults are tasked with getting the heavy stuff moved in and in place, and the 3 younger siblings are tasked with bringing in smaller items and then staying out of the way.
The rooms are divided into suites, with 2 double rooms and a bathroom in between, so while it's not a completely private bathroom, at least she doesn't have to share with 10 other people.
The other girls in her suite arrive soon after they do; Caroline is from Louisiana and comes with just her mom, and Cristina is from near Corpus Christi and arrives with her mom and dad. Cristina is the youngest of 4, and her parents seem almost shell-shocked at sending their last kid away to school. Joel finds himself thankful that he still has Ellie at home and vows to get her another slushie on the way home if she wants one.
The afternoon goes quickly; Tommy and Joel find themselves being pressed into service several times to assist other kids on the floor who need help with minor fixes and putting furniture together. Molly's stepdad, an engineer, is called upon several times to help get electronics hooked up. Ellie keeps herself busy helping Sarah get her pictures on the wall. She also surprises Sarah with a new drawing of their house to add to the collection.
"So, you know, you don't forget where you really live," Ellie says awkwardly as Sarah stares tearfully at the drawing.
"It's perfect." She tells Ellie and goes to hang right over the bed.
"Frank had to help me with parts of it," Ellie mumbles, looking at her shoes.
Joel feels himself get emotional as he looks at the simple pencil drawing of their house. "You should make one of these for us, Ellie; it's really something."
Ellie narrows her eyes at him, "Why? We live there. If you forget what our house looks like, just walk outside, dude."
Sarah snorts with laughter, and Joel pinches the bridge of his nose; "That's true, thank you, baby."
There's a campus tour for family members, but they decided to skip that; no one feels the need to spend more time outdoors when it's over 100 degrees with 65% humidity. Instead, they have a late lunch with Molly's family before heading home.
"Daaad," Ellie whines as they walk to a nearby burger restaurant, "How is it the same temperature as Austin but so much more miserable?"
"That's the humidity, kiddo; something to consider if you want to come here for college as well."
"Ugh!" Ellie moans, "forget it, I'll stay in Austin, this is awful."
Joel manages not to smile but mentally plans as many summer trips as needed to remind Ellie of the misery of Houston's humidity.
Molly's family leaves as soon as they finish eating; their younger kids start school the next day, and they're over 4 hours from home.
Joel and Tommy help the girls set up a few final items, and then it's time to go. Molly and Sarah are already making plans with their suitemates and the girls from the next suite over to explore the campus more that evening. Later in the evening, there's a party in the common room of their building for all floors that they're excited to attend.
It feels good to see Sarah so excited and settling into her new life and world, especially after her meltdown last night. It would be 10X harder to leave her if she were still upset and unsure about her decision. But it also pulls at something inside Joel, watching her take this step away from him, her childhood, and their life together. She'll come home; she's still his daughter, Ellie's sister. Her home is still with them in Austin, but each time, she'll be a little more grown and a little more independent of him. It's exciting to see who she becomes, but it also stings.
Sarah walks out with them, and Tommy pulls her into a hug first. "I'm so proud of you, Sare Bear, but I'll miss my buddy. Make sure you have some fun, okay?" Sarah nods into his chest. "Do a few things that will turn your old man's hair grey." Sarah lets out a laugh at that and squeezes him tight.
"I will." She promises, "Check in on those 2 for me." She nods toward Joel and Ellie, "You know how they get."
"Yes, ma'am," Tommy promises, "I'll keep them in line for you."
When they finally part, he kisses her cheek and then takes the keys from Joel's hand; "I'm going to go get the AC going so we don't die trying to get out of here." Joel doesn't miss that his eyes are red even as he tries to hide behind his sunglasses.
Ellie steps up to her next; the girls share a long look before Sarah pulls her in for a hug. "Call or text me if you need anything. I'm going to find the coolest stuff to do around here, and in a few weeks, you can come and spend a weekend with me without Dad, a sister weekend." Ellie nods, her head smushed onto Sarah's shoulder. "I love you, Ellie." He hears Sarah tell her quietly, "No matter where I go, you're still my baby sister, and I'm always here if you need me. I swear." Joel feels his heart seize and wants to jump in and hug them both and take both back to Austin with him, but he manages to stay put and give them their moment. Ellie squeezes her tighter, and he barely hears her whimper, "I love you too." They finally pull apart, wiping away tears, and Sarah mock whispers, "Take care of Dad; he's getting old."
Ellie gives a watery laugh, "He really is; we may finally need to get him those diapers." They giggle, and Joel gives them a theatrical eye roll before flicking Ellie lightly on the nose and sending her to Tommy at the truck.
Then it's just him and Sarah and a hundred other families currently doing the same thing they are, but all he sees is her, his Sarah, his first baby. For a second, he doesn't see the 18-year-old in athletic shorts and a tank top, hair on top of her head held in place with a pencil. He sees 5-year-old Sarah on her first day of kindergarten, in a purple skirt and a butterfly t-shirt, hair in a ponytail, held in place with a purple scrunchie.
"I guess this is it." Sarah looks up at him, and her face twists a little.
"Yeah, I guess so." Joel takes a breath; this is the moment he's been dreading for 18 years. "Sarah-"
"Thank -"
"You go first." Joel encourages her.
"Just...thank you for, you know…" she waves her hand, "the raising and the stuff."
He shakes his head and squeezes her shoulder. "I didn't do much; you practically had to raise yourself and your sister."
"Shut up, I did not! I hate when you say that. You raised me almost all alone; you raised me and Ellie. My mom died, and you could have given me to my grandparents, yeah, I know about that, or just checked out, but you didn't. You made us a life and showed me that you go on for family. You think I only remember the nights you worked late, or when I had to watch Ellie for hours, or we argued about that, and yeah, that was hard sometimes, but that's not what I remember most. What I remember most are movie nights on the couch, backyard soccer games, trips to the beach, and late-night snow cones in our PJs during the summer. I remember when it got bad when we started to break, how hard you worked to make it better. So don't… don't say you didn't do anything. You did everything, and you still do.
Joel is left speechless and looks down for a second to try and gather his thoughts. He is so overwhelmed by what she's just told him, confirmed for him. All he can give her is a small smile and shake his head. Sarah seems to understand. She just smiles back and squeezes his hand. "You go now."
Suddenly, what he wants to tell her seems insufficient and too small, and he struggles to begin.
"Let me guess," Sarah says. "Make good decisions and make you proud."
Joel finally finds his voice; he needs to tell her something he should have said years ago.
"You, Sarah Charlotte Miller, have been making me proud since the minute you were born. I am so goddamn proud of you every day, so don't worry about that, it's done." She takes a surprised stuttering breath, and fresh tears start to form. He takes her face in his hands, "Make yourself happy." He tells her gently, and she sniffles, dropping her face in his hands. He gently forces it back up so that she looks at him; he needs to know she hears him if he's going to feel okay driving away and leaving her 162 miles away.
"Don't worry about me and your sister. I'm the parent, and contrary to my actions sometimes, I can take care of us; your watch is done." He leans his forehead against hers and continues quietly, trying to ignore the tears now pooling in his own eyes and the ones running down her cheek. "Live your life and be happy. I will always, always be here when you need me, but don't live your life just worrying about Ellie and me. You've done that for too many years. Make yourself happy. And I'll be happy."
Sarah lets out a small sob and leans her head onto his shoulder. He wraps his arms around her, and rocks her gently. They stand there in the swampy Texas heat, sweat pooling on their backs and foreheads, really everywhere, and cry.
Sarah finally pulls back, wiping her eyes. If I'm going to make myself happy, then I need you to…not be so hard on yourself. Seriously, you are the best dad ever. I know that, and Ellie knows that too, but she's 13, so sometimes she forgets."
Joel nods and tries to respond, but the words are stuck in his chest. He wants to tell her thank you. Thank you for taking the hit and being the first, being the guinea pig, and having to teach me how to be a parent. Thank you for accepting a baby sister and loving her so fiercely. Thank you for becoming my right hand even when you shouldn't have had to. Thank you for calling me on my shit. Thank you for being my Sarah. He can't get that out, though. So, he holds her tightly and kisses her temple, lingering for a second, "I love you, baby girl," he murmurs before he finally lets her go.
"I'll see you in a couple weeks," Sarah promises, and he nods, cups her cheek one last time, wiping away a stray tear and goes to the truck where Ellie and Tommy are waiting.
He takes maybe 10 steps when he turns back, "Don't forget to change the oil in your car!"
Sarah nods patiently. "I know, and never let them change the filters; it's a rip-off, and you'll do that for me, and if they try and talk me into anything else, call you immediately."
"Keep your pepper spray and alarm on you at night and call someone if you're walking alone. This isn't Austin, baby; you need to be careful."
"Got it; never leave my room; if I do, be fully armed."
"Alright, alright. Humor me and be safe, okay?"
He gets to the truck, where Ellie is slumped against Tommy, face buried in his chest despite the oppressive heat. He touches her shoulder gently. "C'mon, kiddo, time to head home." Ellie starts to get in the truck but then darts past him back to Sarah, whispering something in her ear. Sarah laughs and throws her arms around her. After a moment, he notices her lean down and whisper something in Ellie's ear; Ellie burst out laughing and yells, "Fuck yeah! Thank you, Rah!" Giving her sister one last squeeze, Ellie returns to the truck and climbs in the backseat.
"What did you tell her?" Joel can't resist asking. Ellie grins.
"I told her a joke, and then she told me where she keeps one of your credit cards for food and incidentals when you're not home. It's mine now!"
"Wait, what?" Joel turns back to Sarah, who gives him a little wave and then laughs, "That did make me happy!"
Joel gives her an unimpressed look.
"I think that should come back to me, Ellie."
"Nope, mine now! Sarah said! I'm ordering Whataburger for delivery this week!" Ellie announces, snapping the seat belt and pulling a comic book and Switch out of her backpack, settling in for the 3-hour drive home.
"Your dad's credit card and all you can think of is Whataburger?" Tommy teases, text me when you decide to use it, and we'll get something much more expensive."
"Deal!" Ellie says a little too enthusiastically.
"Thanks, Tommy," Joel grumbles.
The ride back is quiet; Ellie's enthusiasm fades the further away from Sarah they get, and for a while, the radio is the only sound besides the occasional sniffle coming from the backseat. Tommy tries to make conversation. He and Maria want to have a barbeque soon to celebrate their engagement, and he thinks they should plan something big for Joel's birthday, his 40th. Joel avoids that conversation by claiming they need gas, pulling over to fill the gas tank, and getting himself a cup of coffee and Ellie a soda.
They don't stop after that, but it's still after nine when they get back to Austin. Joel offers to order something for dinner, but Ellie says she's not hungry, and Tommy doesn't even come in saying he wants to meet up with Maria.
He hugs Ellie, and Joel hears him tell her, "You're in charge now; keep your ol' man in line and call me if you need help." That gets a smile from Ellie, and she gives him a tight squeeze before heading inside.
Joel and Tommy chat for a second, Joel giving him some final reminders about work the next day, and just as Joel heads inside, Tommy calls out after him, "You did good, Joel. She's a kind and smart kid; that's due to you."
Joel waves him away, "Yeah, yeah."
"Look at it this way; you're 2 for 2 so far on raising teenagers, and that little one is going to give you a run for your money, but you'll make it."
"2 for 2?" Joel asks, and then it dawns on him, and he feels tears prickle between his eyes for the 10th time that day.
Tommy grins, "Love you, big brother; call me if you need anything."
Joel walks into the house and goes to the kitchen first; he finds a note on the counter from Frank telling him to check the fridge. Bill made them sandwiches, a salad, and Ellie's favorite chocolate chip cookies, figuring they'd get back late and not be in the mood to go out or make something for themselves.
Joel sends a quick thank you text and makes a note to invite them over or something in the next couple of weeks. He looks around for Ellie, who is nowhere to be seen or heard, which is unlike her.
"ELLIE!" he calls out as he checks the living room and office.
He runs upstairs to check in the bedrooms and bathroom. "Ellie!"
Damn it, he thinks; I've been down to one kid at home for less than 5 minutes, and I've already lost her.
"ELLIE!" He tries one more time when he gets downstairs, trying not to panic, and this time, a faint "I'm outside" answers him.
He steps out the back door but can't see much in the quickly darkening night, but a small flashlight beam draws his eyes up, and he finally sees her sitting on the little "porch" of her tree house.
"What are you doing up there? Come eat, kiddo; Bill left us sandwiches. We can eat in the living room and watch something. Anything you want, even one of those Star Wars cartoons."
Ellie rolls her eyes, "It's an animated series. I'm not hungry, I think I'd like to stay here for a while."
Joel sighs, "It's late, Ellie. You don't need to be out here, and you only picked at your lunch. I'd like you to eat something that isn't pure sugar today."
"Are you ordering me to come down?" She asks flatly, and that's when he notices how red-rimmed her eyes are, and some of the fight goes out of him. She's upset about Sarah being gone; her treehouse is probably the one place without Sarah haunting it.
(The treehouse had been built for both girls to play in, and Sarah played in it for a few months, but then her interest waned. Over time, it became Ellie's personal hideout, where she'd run to if she was mad or upset about things. Joel keeps thinking she'll grow out of it, and then he can take it down and reclaim the tree it's built on, but it remains one of her favorite places to go when she wants to be alone.)
(It almost came down when Ellie was 7 and fell off the ladder while trying to come down, holding several stuffies, a comic book, and a melting bowl of ice cream. Joel had been doing yard work and turned around just in time to see Ellie tumble to the ground. She walked away with a dislocated shoulder and mild concussion, and Joel walked away with several years shaved off his life.)
"You have 30 minutes," he tells her, "Then I want you to come down and eat something. You should shower as well; I can smell you from here." He goes for levity, but it falls flat from the look on her face.
"It's not like you smell that great either." She snaps, scooting back to sit against the railing.
"Fair enough; I'll get showered, and then you can come down and eat." He gets a mumbled response that he's pretty sure contained a several swear words, but it's better than nothing.
"30 minutes." He repeats and goes back inside.
Ellie waits 20 minutes before she comes down, flushed and sweaty. The sun may have set, but it's still well over 90 outside with little breeze. Joel has just enough time to shower, and even if it's after 10, he wants Ellie to eat some real food, so he makes them each a plate with a sandwich and some salad. He feels guilty withholding the cookies, but she's had enough sweets today; she can dig into those tomorrow. They settle on the couch, and he hands her the TV remote, "Whatever you want, kiddo, but keep it to 30 minutes; you need a shower; seriously, I can smell Houston on you." She responds with an eye roll but pulls up Star Wars Rebels and picks at her sandwich while the show plays.
When the episode ends, Joel notices most of her sandwich is still on her plate. "You going to finish that, or keep pushing it around your plate?
"I didn't want it in the first place; you forced it on me." Ellie snaps, slamming the plate down on the coffee table with enough force that it bounces, and part of the sandwich and most of the salad fall onto the table and floor.
"Seriously, Ellie?" Joel jumps up and starts picking up bits of spinach and strawberries off the floor.
"I'll grab the vacuum for the crumbs," Ellie mumbles, but Joel stops her.
"Go get in the shower; it's late; I'll take care of this mess."
Ellie glares at him, spins on her heel, and then stomps up the stairs as loudly as she can, which he hates. She yells at the top of the stairs, "Fine, but just so you know, a shower won't make me a different person?"
Joel blinks, confused, "what the hell are you talking about?" he calls after her, "Ellie? Come back here!" He gets a bathroom door slammed in response.
For a minute, he debates going after her but thinks better of it; it would just make it worse, and he doesn't want their first evening with just the two of them to be him doling out punishments. Instead, he cleans up the dinner remnants and grabs his laptop from the office. He has a few things to take care of for work that can be done upstairs. He's hoping if Ellie sees his door open, she'll come in and talk, get out some of what's bothering her.
Ellie's been a bedtime talker since before she could even talk. When putting her to bed as a baby, she'd ignore her bottle for a good 10 minutes and just babble away to him. He started calling it their nighttime chats. As she got older and knew actual words, he learned to pad her bedtime to give her time to bring up whatever was on her mind, which continues to this day. Sometimes, she just wants to tell him what she did that day or something funny that happened, but some nights, she'll bring up bigger things that worry her. Once she's talked them out, she usually sleeps better for a couple nights, and Joel hopes this will be one of those nights.
He can hear the shower still running, so he changes into sleep shorts and settles on the bed with his laptop and phone next to him in case Sarah texts. She's already texted several times over the evening. She sent several photos from around campus to their family group chat, mostly marking them as places they should go when they come to visit. Joel had fielded several texts asking him to find a few miscellaneous items that had been forgotten for her to get in a couple weeks. He'd seen Ellie respond to several messages as well; the few times he saw her smile, no doubt Sarah sending her his bank account information or social security number for her own nefarious purposes.
"I'm not Sarah. I can't be Sarah. I don't know how to be her. I'm sorry."
Joel looks up; he's been wrapped up in a few emails and hadn't heard the shower turn off, and Ellie head to her room. Now, she's standing awkwardly in his doorway, hair still wet, in sleep shorts and one of Sarah's high school t-shirts. She's clutching her phone in one hand and her old stuffed giraffe in the other.
"What's that baby?"
"I… I'm not Sarah. Sarah doesn't live here anymore, and I'm not Sarah, and soon you'll start to feel like you lost the good kid, and you're stuck with me an—"
"No, ma'am, you're my daughter; I'm not stuck with you. C'mere." He pats the spot next to him on the bed; Ellie sniffs and looks like she wants to turn and flee, but she comes over and crawls on the end of the bed, sits cross-legged, and rests her chin in her hands. Joel sets his laptop on his nightstand and sits to face her, mimicking her chin-in-hand posture. "Now, start over; what's going in that head of yours? What do you mean you're not Sarah? I'm a little dense, but I can tell my daughters apart. I sometimes call the wrong name, but that's just a parent thing.
"Ellie takes a deep breath, "I just…Sarah is like the perfect daughter, and I'm…not perfect. I can't make coffee or keep lists of things we need and make grocery orders, and my handwriting isn't pretty, so any notes I leave you are just confusing. I never remember to update the calendar; I get in trouble at school sometimes—" Joel finally cuts her off as she starts to get really worked up.
"Hey, baby, just stop. It's okay." He leans forward and squeezes her bicep gently, pulling her towards him and settling back against the headboard Ellie falling against his chest. "I know you're not Sarah. You're Ellie, my Ellie, our family Ellie, and that is the only person you need to be."
Ellie shakes her head and wipes her eyes on his shirt, "It's just…" she pauses and then takes a shaky breath, "Sarah… makes everything beautiful, and… I just make a mess. You're going to get tired of my mess without Sarah around to…to make beauty."
Joel takes a beat; several statements need to be unpacked and corrected; he just doesn't know where to start.
"Ellie." Joel says reaching out to tip her chin up a little so that she is looking at him, "Ellie, that… that's not true. You make lots of beautiful things. All your drawings hanging around the house are beautiful, and your Lego creations are very cool; I love seeing what you create."
Ellie shrugs and pulls her chin away, letting her still damp hair fall in her face, "It's not the same, and I know I leave messes everywhere, like my sandwich."
Joel pushes her hair back to see her, "Sarah made some real messes, too. The spots on the coffee table, the kitchen table, and the one on my desk are all from her nail polish remover and I'm scared to even look at the desk in her room to see what the make up nail polish damage is there. I'm pretty sure the coffee stain on the carpet in the hall is from her. She ruined several pans over the years, trying to cook breakfast and text with her friends. Let's not forget my dented bumper from when the brake and gas pedal 'switched places' when she pulled into the garage."
He gets a laugh from Ellie with the last one, "Oh man, that was so funny! You were so mad, and she kept saying, 'I swear they just switched.'"
Joel hasn't gotten to the laughing about it stage yet, but he can't help smiling a little at the memory; Sarah was so insistent that the pedals magically switched while she was driving.
He rests his cheek against the top of Ellie's head and pulls her closer. "You don't make that much of a mess, Ellie; you leave your shoes around, but so do probably 98% of teenagers, including Sarah; I tripped over soccer cleats more times than she will ever admit. Your room could use a cleaning, but that's true of almost every teenager everywhere. Sarah got used to picking her stuff off the floor to keep it out of your mouth as a baby, and it stuck. Hell, she used to threaten to come pick up my room."
Ellie's face twitches into a half smile but she still looks unconvinced.
"I don't know where you got the idea that you're "the bad one" and Sarah is "the good one. I have never once thought that. You are both great kids that I am so proud of every day. I get a few more calls about your mouth than I did about Sarah. Usually, you're running your mouth to defend yourself or someone else, so I can't be too mad; you take after Uncle Tommy there. I would prefer it if you toned down the cussing at school, but the middle school seems not to care as much as your elementary school, so I guess it doesn't matter much anymore."
"It would be easier if there weren't so many assholes running that place." Ellie grumps and Joel can't help but chuckle; he's felt that way about several administrators he's dealt with there over the years.
"You know, I got several calls about Sarah correcting her teachers in class over the years and she was real chatty in elementary school and that used to get her in some trouble. You were here for the times she missed curfew or came in after drinking with her friends."
"I'm pretty sure she smelled like something other than alcohol at least one of those times," Ellie says smirking, and Joel pretends he didn't hear her.
"Look, Sarah made some mistakes, you'll make some mistakes, and that's okay. It doesn't mean you're bad. It means you're human, and it doesn't make me any less proud of you or…or love you any less. Okay? "He gives her a little shake, "OKAY?"
"Okay." Ellie finally says, and they sit quietly for a few minutes. Joel runs his hand over her arm, and Ellie presses herself closer to his side. He decides it's a good time to fess up to Ellie his own fears.
"You know, I'm not Sarah either. I'm not great at getting out of bed early enough to make breakfast or knowing which Taylor Swift song goes with which situation. I stopped understanding most of your homework when you were in 6th grade. I've been faking it for at least 2 years now." This gets a small laugh out of Ellie. "You think you're scared of letting me down, kiddo? I'm terrified of letting you down."
Ellie shakes her head and takes the hand resting on her arm and rubbing it against her cheek like she used to do when she was little, "It's okay; I'm usually good with cereal bars for breakfast; Frank can usually help with homework; he has been for a while now, and Sarah made several Taylor Swift playlists with instructions on when to listen."
Joel laughs, "I shoulda known. I think," Joel says slowly after a pause, "that we're both going to have to take on a few new things, and some things will change, but then we'll find a new normal that works for us, for Dad and Ellie."
"Is this your way of telling me I have to do more chores?" Ellie asks warily.
"Sorry, kiddo, you may have to pick up a few things, but I will, too. We're a team, and we'll figure this out together."
"Okay." Ellie agrees, "We've always been a good team." She puts her hand up for a high five which he happily returns. "Team Miller. Austin division."
"Team Miller." Joel agrees as she settles back against him. "You know, you might find there are things you like about being the only kid at home…you now have your own bathroom." He feels her perk up a little against his arm, "Which means," he continues, "that I get to have my own bathroom again. You have until tomorrow at noon to get your stuff off my sink and out of my shower." He digs a finger into her neck, and she laughs as she squirms to move away.
"Man, I was a refugee, pushed out of my own bathroom by a 7-step skincare routine, and whatever the fuck contouring is, I had nowhere else to go." Joel smooths a few stray hairs from her face, "Sure baby, whatever you say." She responds with a half-hearted elbow to the stomach.
"Anything else?" Ellie asks, leaning back against him.
"You only have to fight me for the good snacks now."
"I think you mean I get all the good snacks now. You always give in and let me have them."
"Hmmm...Maybe I need to start fighting you then; I can't have you going soft as an only child."
Ellie tsks, "Not cool, dude."
"You now have full control of the TV."
Ellie jerks her head up, smiling at the realization, "No more SVU or Criminal Minds or those creepy true crime documentaries."
Joel shakes his head, "Nope, what will we do without a horrifying crime drama before bed?"
"She is so weird," Ellie exclaims, "for someone covered in pink and glitter, girl likes her TV shows dark. I dunno, man; I think you may have raised, like, a psychopath or something."
"She says they're comforting." Joel chuckles at the memory of many conversations with Sarah, trying to determine why she was so hooked on crime dramas.
"Yeah, psychopath." Ellie shudders before turning on to her stomach and resting on her elbows, her chin on his sternum. She pulls his hand up to her head. Joel obliges and starts running his fingers through her hair. "Anything else?"
"Well, now that we won't have soccer games on weekends, we can do more camping or day trips around the area.
"Yeah," Ellie agrees softly, "camping sounds fun, but..." her face falls a little, "I did like watching Sarah play soccer; I liked cheering for her. What will I do with all my Sarah's #1 Fan shirts?"
"I miss watching her play as well; I think she's going to look into finding an intermural or rec team; maybe we'll still have a chance to see her play." Joel assures her, "And it's okay to find things we like to do when it's just the two of us. It doesn't mean we don't love Sarah and miss having her home with us."
Ellie nods her head thoughtfully. "What if she doesn't come back? Joel doesn't say anything for a minute, not wanting to admit he's also had that fear on and off.
"Why wouldn't she come back?" Ellie shrugs. "What if she decides that she likes being on her own or runs off with a cult leader like in those documentaries. What if that's why she watched them? To get tips on how to find one."
Joel snorts, "Okay. I don't think that is going to happen. I suspect she'll do one load of laundry in that communal laundry room with those old machines and decide she'd much rather drive home every few weeks and use that fancy front-loading washer and dryer she talked me into buying last year."
Ellie nods, "She does love that washer and dryer a lot. Like an almost weird amount."
"Right?" They both smile, thinking about Sarah and the obsessive research she did when Joel told her they could finally replace their 20-year-old washer and dryer that had been hand-me-downs from his mom.
Ellie lays her head down where her chin had been propped, and Joel enjoys running his hands over her head for a few minutes and listens as her breath starts to even out. He can't believe she'd thought he would get tired of her when he's spent all day feeling grateful she's still here, still needing a parent, still needing him.
"What should we do tomorrow?" Joel asks as he eases her off him and onto the spot next to him.
"Hmmm…I want to go to the arcade and the comic bookstore."
"We can do that." Joel agrees; neither are his favorite places, but it's Ellie's day, so he'll suck it up and play along. He can tell that she's starting to dose off, so he moves his hand down to rub her back, "sounds like a fun day."
"Fuck yeah." She mumbles, and Joel smiles, little trash mouth; he doesn't say anything, just rubs circles on her back until it seems she's out. He reaches for his laptop; he wants to get these emails sent tonight instead of getting up early to send them. Ellie will sleep in tomorrow, and he is hoping to be able to do the same.
"Hamburgers," Ellie suddenly murmurs, lifting her head slightly and then laying back down. "Hamburgers at the place by the comic bookstore."
"Hamburgers it is," Joel promises, choosing not to point out they had hamburgers earlier today; she just decided to pick at hers. He runs his fingers over her forehead and notices that she has a bit of sunburn from earlier in the day right along her hairline. He reminds himself to get aloe on her tomorrow. She wrinkles her nose and presses herself a little closer against his thigh. He notices her phone sticking out under her elbow and slips it out, setting it on his nightstand. He pulls the blanket over her and returns to his laptop, Ellie sleeping soundly.
He feels some semblance of peace in himself for the first time in a month; in trying to reassure Ellie, he had managed to reassure himself that it would be okay, they would be okay. Life is full of changes, and while this one feels massive, it was inevitable, and they'll adapt just like they always have.
He glances over to his dresser, where a small 18-year-old framed photo sits; he feels a tug in his chest. "I got our baby to college, Michelle," he thinks, "that baby in your arms is a college freshman. Mostly due to the parts of you in her, but I helped a little. She's the best; I hope you know that."
He finally finishes up with work and sets his laptop on the floor next to the bed, careful not to jostle Ellie, and his phone vibrates.
Sarah: Don't worry, I didn't tell her where you keep your Oreos stash! 😉
Joel smiles, hearts the message, and sets his phone on the nightstand. Good girl.