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It had been about four months since the bathroom. Adam had sworn up and down he would never go to any kind of group therapy. It was all he could stand to open himself up to an individual therapist, but after only a couple of weeks of nightmares after escaping, he accepted that it was necessary. When his therapist had given him the information on a Jigsaw survivors support group a month into their sessions, he’d shoved the paper in his pocket and forgotten about it immediately. He’d gotten home, emptied his pockets onto the dresser before changing into his sweatpants, and let the crumpled post-it collect dust there for weeks. It would occasionally catch his eye, but until the nightmares came back, he never considered it an option.
“This is stupid.” A cigarette bobbed between his lips as Adam mumbled out loud to himself, standing across the street from the church rec center. He double checked the address and time on the note, hoping to himself that he’d misread it and maybe he was mistaken and could just go home. He watched a couple other people walk in before stubbing his cigarette out against the sole of his sneaker, tossing the butt in the trash, and crossing the street with a heavy sigh.
There were more people than he expected, and Adam wasn’t sure if that made him feel better or worse. He’d been told plenty of times that grief was complicated, but the only reason he was here was to try to get back to something resembling normal and simple. “Welcome! What’s your name?” A friendly looking woman was standing at a folding table as Adam walked in. She had on a small silver crucifix necklace and a laminated “Volunteer” name badge, certainly a parishioner of the church. He glanced at the table and saw an assortment of markers, “hi my name is” stickers, and bottles of water. He looked up and met the lady’s eyes.
“Adam.”
“Well Adam, I’m glad you’re joining us today. Have you been to a meeting here before?” He shook his head, turning to glance at the crowd gathering. “There’s no pressure at all. You’re more than welcome to just sit back and listen, but you’ll have an opportunity to speak if that’s something you feel inclined to do.”
He turned back to the table and slid one of the stickers toward himself, letting his fingers rest on it for a moment before grabbing a marker. He scribbled his name on it and grabbed a bottle of water. “Thanks.”
There were twenty or so chairs set up in a circle, probably about half of them occupied. Adam adjusted the strap of his messenger bag, shifted his weight back and forth on his feet, fidgeted with the water bottle, anything to keep himself too occupied to pick a seat. His eyes scanned the room, and he saw some extra chairs folded up and leaning against a wall a few yards behind the circle. He walked over to them, set one up in a shadowy corner, and sat down, dropping his bag between his feet. He opened the bottle and took a drink, bouncing his knee and fighting his instinct to light up a cigarette. He grabbed a ballpoint pen out of his bag and held it between his fingers before digging through it again, finding a pack of nicotine gum and popping a piece in his mouth.
Adam kept his eyes on his feet, wiggling the pen between his fingers, bouncing his knees, considering leaving every time he heard the door open and saw the shadow of another person walk in. He allowed himself to glance up briefly, exhaling hard and shaky when he saw the size of the group. “This was a stupid idea…” He planted his palm on his knee, ready to stand, when he heard footsteps approaching the folded up chairs next to him. Footsteps, but also a soft tapping in sync with every-other step. He brought his eyes up enough to look at the stranger’s feet. Smart brown loafers and matching slacks, and the source of the tapping: a bronze-tipped cane. Adam’s gaze drifted upward, following the man’s frame all the way up to his face. He was looking at the chairs, reaching for one, but Adam would recognize him anywhere. It was all he could do to be here, there was no way he was prepared to actually interact with anyone, let alone… He grabbed his bag and stood quickly, dropping his bottle and pen in the process. He instinctively tried to catch them, dropping his bag while doing so. It spilled open, sending notebooks and photographs spilling onto the floor. “Shit!”
“Let me-”
“I got it, thanks.” Adam kept his head down, shoveling everything back into his bag and standing quickly, keeping his back to the man next to him and hoisting the strap over his good shoulder.
”…Adam?” Adam stopped moving. He couldn’t move. The seconds passed like hours, and Adam still couldn’t force himself to budge. Finally he did, a flinch, when he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. “If you don’t want to talk to me, I understand. I’m just glad you’re okay.”
Adam scoffed, dropping his head but not turning around. “‘Okay’ is a strong word. Let’s go with ‘alive’.”
”I’m glad you’re alive.”
“Did you send him for me? Logan?” Adam couldn’t bring himself to turn around, instead keeping his eyes on his feet.
“I did. But I never found out if he was successful. I never saw him again, so I couldn’t be sure.”
”He drove me to the hospital. Dropped me off at the ER entrance. Never saw him again either.”
”Maybe that was his out.”
A silence fell between them, but Adam couldn’t manage to use it as his own out. Instead he took a deep breath, steeled himself, and turned around, looking up to meet the man’s eyes. “I’ve thought a lot about you, Lawrence. I didn’t know if I should try to get in touch with you, so I didn’t, but I wanted to. I didn’t know if you’d made it or if you even would’ve wanted anything to do with me. I wasn’t exactly the best person… I’m not doing the PI, stalker thing anymore. I’m actually just volunteering, I’m on disabil-” He dropped his eyes. “Sorry, I’m-”
“No, no, it’s fine. I, uh… I wanted to reach out, too, but I didn’t know how. I realized after the fact that I didn’t even know your last name. I… might’ve done some ethically dubious things and looked through patient files for every Adam that came through looking for one with a gunshot wound in the shoulder. Speaking of-”
“Don’t apologize. You did what you had to do.”
“How is it?”
Adam rolled his shoulder. “Uh, I mean, nerve damage is really the main thing. Neuropathy in my arm. The scar is still kinda sensitive. How’s your leg?”
“Learning to get around on a prosthesis. The phantom limb pain is odd. It’s one thing to be familiar with it from an academic standpoint, but experiencing it is-” He was cut off by someone speaking up, announcing that they were about to get started with the meeting.
“Wanna sit with me? For the record, I’m staying here. I’m not ready for” Adam gestured toward the circle of chairs, now fully occupied “all of that.”
”I’d love to.”
It had been a year since the bathroom. Adam had only ever attended the one survivors’ support group meeting about six months ago. Lawrence had attended several, but the one where he reconnected with Adam was his last; he’d only been going in hopes of Adam showing up eventually.
They’d exchanged numbers that evening. They started out with a couple of phone calls a week and meeting up for coffee on Sundays. After about a month, they got dinner, which became a weekly routine. A couple of months in, Lawrence asked Adam over the phone if wanted to go to a movie after dinner. Adam laughed. “You asking me on a date, doctor?”
“And if I am?”
That date turned into several more, eventually moving from nights out to nights in. Lawrence’s apartment was nice, and his cooking was even better. And he loved cooking for Adam. He’d been so small when they met, and despite his own dire circumstances, Lawrence distinctly remembered worrying that he was underweight when he’d lifted his shirt, panicking over having his kidneys stolen.
Adam was helping Lawrence clear the table when he reached over and grabbed his hand. “Hey Larry?”
”Yes Adam?”
”Are you my… I mean, are we…”
Lawrence squeezed Adam’s hand and looked up at him. “I consider you my boyfriend, if that’s what you’re asking. Assuming that’s what you meant and what you want.”
“That’s... yeah, that’s what I was… I’m glad. I, uh, I have therapy tomorrow, and I’ve not really known what to call you when you come up.” They exchanged a smile, and Lawrence brought Adam’s hand to his mouth, kissing his knuckles before letting go and moving to the sink with a pile of dishes. “Hey Lar?”
”Yes darling?” Lawrence’s eyes were on the sink, focused on rinsing the dishes off so that he could load the dishwasher. When Adam didn’t respond, he turned around, grabbing a towel to dry his hands. Adam was agitated and looked to be on the verge of tears. Lawrence thought for sure he saw his lip quiver. “Adam what’s wrong?”
”I mean, nothing really, I just… fuck, um…” He turned his eyes toward the ceiling briefly before closing them, forcing tears to spill out onto his cheeks. When he opened them, Lawrence was looking at him, concern and confusion spread across his face. “I’m, uh…” Finally a small sob broke through his throat, almost stealing his voice, his next words coming in a whisper. “I’m in love with you, Lawrence.”
”Oh god, sweetheart.” Lawrence moved around the table to Adam, pulling him into his arms and against his chest. “I’m in love with you, too. Had I known it was going to effect you like this I’d have said it a while ago. I just didn’t want to scare you off.”
”I didn’t want to scare you off.” Adam laughed, relieved, sniffling and grabbing a napkin to wipe his nose. “I was afraid you’d think I was clingy.”
Lawrence grabbed his shoulders and leaned his head down to look the younger man directly in the eyes. “Cling to me, sweetheart. I want you to. You’re not going to scare me off.” Adam nodded, sniffling again, before pressing a kiss to Lawrence’s lips. “What would I even do without you?”
Adam chuckled. “Probably put away your own leftovers. Pass me the Tupperware?”
”Anything for you.” Lawrence laughed and handed Adam a small stack of containers.
As he started packing away the food, Adam cleared his throat and spoke up again. “You excited for my date?”
For the past couple of months, Lawrence and Adam had taken turns planning dates. Lawrence’s dates tended to wax traditional. Dinner, movies, plays, orchestra performances, things Adam would’ve not only been uninterested in but would’ve scoffed at prior to Lawrence. And while he wasn’t particularly invested in Shakespeare or Beethoven or restaurants with dress codes, he was invested in Lawrence, and seeing the joy on Lawrence’s face during their Lawrence Dates made Adam love those things. He’d love anything that brought a smile to Lawrence’s face.
And while Lawrence Dates always came with a carefully planned itinerary, Adam Dates were always a surprise to Lawrence. It’s not that they weren’t planned; since slowing down his smoking, going to therapy, and getting properly medicated for his depression and a surprise adult diagnosis of ADHD, Adam was actually an excellent planner. But the biggest factor that lead to the back-and-forth date planning was Lawrence telling Adam that he needed more spontaneity. He’d always been very regimented, but Lawrence and his therapist agreed that he needed to get comfortable letting things happen with or without his own direct involvement.
Knowing this, Adam had gone easy on Lawrence the first couple of dates. Going to a food truck at a nearby park and watching an intramural softball game. Loading up the car with blankets and snacks and going to a drive-in double feature. Then one day they got in the car and Adam handed him earplugs. “I know you, so I’m sure you’re going to want these.”
Lawrence took the earplugs tentatively. “What are we…”
“You don’t totally hate my taste in music right? I promise it isn’t metal. More indie rock.”
Lawrence had actually had a good time, and soon enough he was adding new CDs to his collection, cherishing every new thing he came to love that came from the man he loved, excited to tell anyone who would listen about whatever new-to-him song he was listening to on repeat, if only to say “My partner Adam turned me on to them, he has great taste”.
It was their one year anniversary. Or at least one year to the day when Adam had first asked Lawrence what they were and the “I love you” dam had finally burst. It was also an Adam Date week. He’d asked Lawrence if he wanted to collaborate this week since it was significant. Lawrence had only smiled and shook his head. “I trust you. I know you’ll come up with something great.”
Adam had insisted Lawrence wear a blindfold in the car. “I don’t want you to know where we’re going til we get there. It’s a surprise.”
Lawrence quirked his eyebrow, tentatively pulling the eye mask over his face has Adam started the engine. “This better be good.”
”It’s gonna be great, babe, I swear.” The drive felt like it took forever, despite being only about twenty minutes. It was unusual for them to be going out on a Thursday afternoon -typically their dates were reserved for the weekends and evenings- but Adam had begged Lawrence weeks ago to request the day off. Of course he’d already intended to, being their anniversary, but Adam insisted their date had to be today. Finally the car came to a stop and Adam shut off the engine. “We’re here. You can take it off.” Adam’s voice was a little shaky, and Lawrence looked to him before even taking in their surroundings.
“You okay, darling? Where are we?” Adam was smiling, but clearly nervous. His eyes darted between Lawrence and the windshield, trying to guide the older man’s gaze out the window. “Wait, are you…”
”Look, I have a backup plan if you want to do something else. I’m not gonna be upset if you want to do something else. I just thought with today being what it is…”
Lawrence opened and closed his mouth a couple times before speaking. “There’s so much stuff we-”
Adam leaned over to the backseat and patted his messenger bag. “I’ve got it all planned out and everything we need is right here. Even brought us both a change of clothes just in case you wanted to get dolled up.”
“I mean, what about… we’ll need someone to…”
Adam held up his phone. “Thought of that, too. Alison knows to expect a call from me.” Lawrence’s heart was going a mile a minute, beat out only by this thoughts. “Lar, this is entirely up to you, okay? I love you more than anything on this planet, and I won’t love you any less if you want to-”
“Call Ali.” Lawrence took Adam’s face in his hands, kissing him soft and slow. “Let’s do this.”
”Daddy!” Diana’s shoes clicked on the tile floor, echoing as she ran toward Lawrence.
“Hello, sweetheart! You look so pretty!” He took her hand, spinning her around.
“Mommy bought it for me especially for today! My shoes are new, too!”
Alison approached, and Adam pulled her into a hug. “Thank you so much, Alison.”
“It’s nothing.” She pressed a kiss to Adam’s temple. “It’s an honor, really. And honestly, it was only a matter of ti-”
A well dressed man, probably in his fifties, poked his head into the lobby. “Adam and Lawrence?” Adam turned his head.
“That’s us.”
The man smiled, opening up the door to allow them into the room. “Come with me, folks.”
The room was modest. A small podium, a simple archway in front of it, laced with artificial greenery and flowers. There were a couple of desks, in use but unoccupied, and filing cabinets on the edges of the room. It was clearly a clerk’s office and not a chapel.
Lawrence never imagined he’d remarry, and if he did, he wouldn’t have dreamed of eloping. He and Alison’s wedding had been extravagant. A huge wedding party and a traditional Catholic ceremony, despite them both being lapsed Catholics just appeasing their families. There was catering and an open bar and a reception that went all hours of the night, and Lawrence swore he’d never do it again. But then Adam happened, and he couldn’t imagine not being tied up in him in every possible way for the rest of his life. They’d talked about marriage in an abstract sense, but never in terms of how or when. It just felt inevitable.
Adam had never imagined he would marry ever. But then Lawrence happened. He knew when he first saw him in the survivors’s group that if he didn’t leave he’d stumble headfirst into a fever he wouldn’t be able to simply sweat out. But it seemed like no time passed at all before they were falling in love and packing up Adam’s meager belongings to move them into Lawrence’s apartment and adopting a cat. Despite everything, Adam and Alison had hit it off right away, and Diana was immediately smitten with Daddy’s new boyfriend, who she decided was, as she put it, her best bff.
Adam and Lawrence stood in front of the arch, facing one another. Alison stood behind Adam, and Diana was at Lawrence’s side, fidgety with excitement. The chaplain stepped up to the podium. “It’s my understanding we’re being a bit unconventional today. My role is essentially just to sign off on everything and make it official. Adam tells me you’ve prepared your own vows and the ceremony will be more or less self directed.” He smiled at both men warmly. “Congratulations, gentlemen.”
Lawrence’s eyes grew wide and his voice dropped to a whisper. “Sweetheart, I don’t have my vows with me.”
“With you? You’ve already written them? You didn’t even realize we were-”
“They’ve been written for a year. The day you told me you were in love with me I wrote them after you went to bed.”
Adam’s eyes were already welling up. “Shut up, I can’t cry yet, I’ve not even started.” They shared a laugh and Adam took Lawrence’s hands. “Just… say whatever feels right. You’re better with words than me. You could say anything to me, and I’m going to fucking melt.”
“Me first?”
“Yeah.”
Lawrence let out a heavy sigh, squeezing Adam’s hands in his own. “Wow, um. Adam, you’re amazing. The fact that you put this together, the way that you’ve bonded with Ali, with Diana… Every day you do or say or create or share with me something that makes me fall in love with you more than I even knew was possible. There was not a day that went by before we reunited that you weren’t on my mind. It wasn’t love yet, but I knew there was something about your spirit that was attached to mine in a way that meant I was no longer whole without you near me.” He looked up to Alison. “Jesus, Ali, I’m so sorry, I know we were still-”
Alison laughed and shook her head. “Don’t… It’s fine, Larry. Swear to god, you two were meant for each other. I could tell the first time I saw you look at him, and I made peace with it a long time ago.”
He squeezed Adam’s hand again, looking back to him. “I’ve not been a spiritual person in many years at this point. And you’d think everything we went through, the bathroom, that that would drive me even further from feeling there was any Christ or meaning or fate to be found in the universe. But the intensity of the love I feel for you, Adam, is lifetimes in the making. I’m not sure about god or heaven or hell, but knowing and loving you has made me certain that I have loved you time and time again, and I swear to you, I will continue to find you and love you in every iteration of ourselves beyond this one.”
Alison reached over Adam’s shoulder, handing tissues to both him and Lawrence. Adam wiped his eyes and smiled. “See, I knew you could do it. And I know I’m not supposed to kiss you yet, but Jesus I want to after that.” They shared a laugh and Adam reached into his pocket, pulling out two folded up pieces of paper. “I actually have two to read. So first…” He reached into another pocket and pulled out a long, thin jewelry box. He knelt down to get eye level with Diana and opened the box toward her. Inside was a delicate white gold chain with a matching heart locket, a small blue jewel embedded in it. “Diana, you are the single coolest kid I have ever met in my life. You are smart and silly and funny and a ray of sunshine. When I was your age, my mommy and daddy weren’t always very nice to me, and I am so excited that you have a mommy and daddy who love you and respect you and tell you how special you are all the time, because every kid deserves to have parents that treat them well, and now you have not only two but three parents who absolutely adore you. And I want to give you this necklace today, because not only am I marrying your daddy and giving him a ring, but I get to be your stepdad, and there is no one in the world I’d rather get to have as my stepdaughter. I promise you to always be there for you and remind you how much you’re loved and how important and smart and special you are and to do my best to be the kind of parent every kid should get to have. That sound good to you?” Diana nodded enthusiastically. “Would you like me to help you put your necklace on?” She nodded again, bouncing on the balls of her feet in excitement. Lawrence bent down to hold her hair up off of her nape as Adam hooked the clasp around her neck. Lawrence let her hair fall down and smoothed his palm over it, leaning down to kiss the top of her head.
“Does this mean I can call you Dad now?”
Adam’s hand immediately went to his chest, and he heard Lawrence let out a soft sob. “If that’s what you want to do, then absolutely, yes.”
”Okay, because I already told my best friend Leah that you’re my dad when she asked who was picking me up from school the other day.”
Adam wiped his cheeks with the heel of his hand and smiled. “Can I have a hug, kiddo?” Diana threw her arms around Adam’s shoulders. He wrapped his arms around her and picked her up, swinging her around a couple of times before setting her down. “I love you, sweetie.”
”Love you too, Dad.”
Adam let out a puff of air and shook his head. “I can’t even believe this is my life right now.” He looked up at Lawrence. “You.” His voice was already cracking as he shakily unfolded the piece of paper. “I… there’s no way I’m making it through this without bawling, so be patient with me.” Lawrence reached out and took his hand, pulling it to his lips and kissing it. “I’ve spent my whole life wondering if I’m capable of receiving unconditional love, either because I’m unable to receive it or unable to accept it. I’ve never had a romantic relationship last past a few months. My relationship with my parents is nonexistent at this point. Most of my friendships have been shallow and toxic and fleeting. And all of that disappointment and deep, tangible loneliness lead to me ending up chained to a pipe in a shithole bathroom across from kindest heart and sweetest soul and bluest eyes I’ve ever had the honor of even sharing air with. And it was a nightmare. I had never been so emotionally stripped down and vulnerable and terrified in my life. And when the dust had settled and I felt like having hope was not only foolish but childish, there you were, bleeding to death but still crawling toward me. And the selfless thing to do, the thing I wanted to do, would’ve been to tell you to turn around and get help. But selfishly, I didn’t want to die without knowing the feel of a gentle hand, and selfishly I couldn’t ask you to leave, because all I had ever wanted was for someone to stay, and I knew you were my someone. Even when there was a bullet in my shoulder it felt like love, because it could’ve gone through my head instead. And when” Adam brought his fist to his mouth, biting his knuckles and pushing back against his tears. “When you finally touched me, it was like the world fell into place. I saw us, here, in this moment. I knew we would make it, because I’d decided we were. You deserved to live, and I was too stubborn to die without touching you again. Before you left, you turned to me and you promised you’d send someone back for me. You promised me my life, and you delivered. So today I’m promising it back to you. For as long as you’ll have me, Lawrence Gordon, I am yours. You are the most fiercely, courageously selfless person I have ever met, and to be loved by you is an honor. The pride I have in calling you mine is enough to move mountains, and I would if that’s what you asked. You are the reason I know what love is and can be. You’ve been saving my life every day since the day I met you, and I promise you I will love you to the farthest extent to which my heart can reach and then some every day for the rest of my life, and if there’s something beyond, I will continue to love only you until all of the something that’s left blinks into nothing.” Adam reached into his pocket and pulled out another jewelry box, opening it and pulling out two matching rings. “If you don’t like them, I can get you something diff-”
“They’re perfect.” Lawrence took Adam’s ring in his hand and looked it over: a simple white gold band with a blue stone, embedded flush with the ring. He looked over at Diana and back to Adam. “They all match.”
Adam nodded and held his hand out. “Come on, let’s make this official already.” Lawrence laughed, sliding the ring on Adam’s finger before holding his hand out for Adam to do this same. As soon as the chaplain began to speak, Lawrence pulled Adam in by the hips, kissing him slow and soft, not waiting for pronouncements or permission. He suddenly felt free of the regimented coping mechanisms that he had leaned on for so long to keep his anxiety in check. He was alive and in love and reborn and brand new. And never again would he do anything short of celebrate spontaneity.