Archive of Our Own

Sometimes none of this feels real, like it's all figments of my imagination. Luz isn’t real and she never has been. I must have conjured her up in a dream, buried so deep in my subconscious that I should never have found her. 

Now I’m living in her home with my friends. At least, I hope they’re my friends. Not so long ago they hated me. They still do. They’re just too polite to say anything. The cracks in my heart have been creating fake people to keep me afloat. That’s the only explanation. They’re just extensions of the parts I like about myself. Any good bits floating around me are desperate to break through the hateful exterior.

I used to think that being alone was a good thing. I was the best of the best, with perfect grades and perfect social status. The throne of supremacy was mine, and my dominion was pure and final. A queen has to stand on her own. No one else to blame if failure strikes.

Then Luz barreled into my life. 

It finally happened. Someone was able to peer deep into my soul and live in all my mistakes and fears. There are so many of each. Still, Luz stepped inside, took a good look around, and simply forgave me. Luz believed there was a good person hiding inside my cold exterior. Somehow, she pulled my mask away.

But I’m still here. Just because my girlfriend absolved me doesn’t mean I’ve absolved myself. This is calamity Amity at her finest. How can I look at myself every morning and be satisfied? Years of my life were dedicated to pushing down anyone in my way. I was a monster, a fiery beast terrorizing the denizens of the burning castle.

I keep waiting for the proverbial “ball” to drop. A moment where I step too far onto the ice and it shatters beneath me. I can’t outrun my awful self. I can’t escape the person I used to be. She’s still there and she’s never going away. That toxicity is still festering, I can feel it. Thoughts will cross my mind and I have to yell at myself that “I’m not that person anymore.” 

I don’t know if I believe that. 

Luz believes I’m a good person. Gus and Willow might. I’m glad Hunter didn’t know me back then, and I certainly hope no one told him who I was. I’m just happy to sit on the sidelines and just be “Luz’s awesome girlfriend.”

Haven’t felt that awesome lately. This is a game I keep playing with myself, one step forward and two steps back. Wherever I go, the old me is still there making it so hard to see all of the good I’ve done. I’m like the layer of fresh paint on an old house, peeling as soon as it dries. It’s a bandage on an open wound.

If I wasn’t worth saving I would have already fallen into my old predilections. I loved isolating myself from everyone. Distrust was my language and I never wanted a translator. I used to see it as victory, but now I understand it was just a stalemate.

I really can’t get a good moment to myself anymore. I always find something to knock me back down. That little voice grows louder and louder:

Don’t speak unless spoken to. You’re horrible at everything you do. Don’t you ever think that you’re good enough because you will always find new and interesting ways to damage yourself. You’re not worth saving, you’re nothing but a burden. Seclusion would be preferable. Seal yourself away so you won’t have to ruin other people’s days.

It’s harder to ignore that voice. Maybe it’s mine, maybe it’s my mother’s. If these are my own thoughts then it's proof that my old self is still in there; only now she’s turned her anger against the “good person” I’m pretending to be. If this is my mother yelling, then it's a trauma that I’m not emotionally intelligent enough to handle. Let’s be honest, it’s probably both.

This whole journal is filled with metaphors about ice and darkness and the color black. I can’t stand it. Why can’t I stop hating myself, and why can’t I just come out free? If I can’t find faith in myself, maybe I’ll be restored to my old sword-wielding self. I’d swing and slice anyone foolish enough to approach. 

Simpler times.

I was fierce. My blade was sharp and no one could stop me. But Luz… she calmed my rage and fear and guided me into the light. Did I deserve it? I had fallen so far and caused so much pain. Redemption was a gift, a new star handed to me by this beautiful human. I think I’m squandering it.

It’s almost cowardly, how I turned away from myself and woke up new. I betrayed the person I was. It’s easier to think of her as a separate person, but I know she’s still within me. The past few months have exacerbated a sort of spiritual collapse within myself. I don’t know if I’ll recover, or who I’ll see in the mirror at the end of it all.

I want to be someone who isn’t angry all the time. I want to stop burying it all deep inside me. Luz sees my growth and loves me for it. I just wish I could see it too. And what does redemption look like, anyway? Will I forget all the bad things I’ve done? Or will I simply not hate myself for doing them? 

And what would a relapse look like? 

I didn’t know I needed redemption until I met Luz. All those years of bullying and scheming seem like such a waste. I found satisfaction in those days so easily: It was pure and simple. Sometimes I long for those days when everything was easy.

And then a thought like that comes down from my brain, shocks through my arm, and the hand puts pen to paper. I betrayed my true self by trying to change. I’m so tired of fighting that person still inside me. I often think of giving up, letting go, and returning to form. Why can’t I see a future where this gets easier?

If Luz wasn’t here with me I’d never have the strength to discover who I’m supposed to be. More importantly, she’s a reminder that I’m better than who I used to be.

I was so cold and always left unanswered. I pity that person I was, while also fearing how she may come back. Some days I count every minute until this feeling comes crashing down. Acceptance and love feel like a veil placed shabbily over my face. It’s nothing more than a mask that hides the truth of it all.

I don’t think I knew what real hardship was until I met Luz. I worked so hard to be the best witch in Hexside, I clawed and scraped my way to the top. Everything became so trivial when Luz saw behind my mask. I was screaming and desperate to get out of myself and I didn’t even know it. Somehow she recognized it and wouldn’t let me go. Finally, something to challenge my search for perfection.

I love her, there’s no denying that. I’m so happy we’re together. Maybe that’s the simplicity I need to focus on. Yes, being vengeful and corrosive was easy , and back then it was even satisfying. I know better now, I know what love is. She lights up whenever I come into the room, and she’s always finding little ways to surprise me. 

I still shiver on the days I don’t feel so bright, but I’ve been redeemed. I’m cold and rescued, and I squint to find the good in that. So why do I still feel like a failure? Or that I’m a disappointment to Luz, after all the hard work she’s put in?

I can’t just… enjoy this, can I? That person I used to be is crawling up my spine, stabbing her knives into different parts of me. She’s screaming to get out. Kind of the same way I was trying to break free of my chains when that nasty bully was in command. 

Is this just cyclical? Will she emerge, bury all the good I’ve done, and take over with spite and malice? Is this a possession, or am I just broken?

I’d love to solve this puzzle before the next cycle starts. The security and power of my old life fell away at the first sight of a light glyph. I emerged bright and better and, despite what these pages say, I’m happy for that change. It’s been a little terrifying, but I can’t imagine my life without Luz and the friends I have now.

But will it all collapse? I keep thinking about my past and my regrets and I just, I don’t know. Did Luz really save me? Or am I just holding onto the hope that there’s something worth saving?

I don’t want to feel alone ever again. I’d have power over everything, but an empty kingdom is like a hollowed out tree: Dead but still standing. Reliance is a weakness, but I’ve found strength in it too. It can’t be easy, it can’t just be one or the other.

It’s so hard to focus. There’s too much happening all the time that I often go numb to it. We’ve been searching for a way to open the portal door and haven’t been lucky. Luz is so defeated and I try to stay strong for her. I think I’m helping but it's so hard to tell. Sometimes she seems so distant, like she’s lost. 

I’m so tired of thinking like this. I see Luz falling deeper into a depression and nothing I do helps. She probably wishes I wasn’t here at all. I would wish the same if I had to see myself daily. 

I just want to save her. She did the same for me and I’m trying so hard. Maybe I can’t save us both. Maybe we have to keep saving each other. Maybe I just have to try a little harder to pull her out of this. 

Maybe it gets easier, but the hard part is doing it every day. My “friendships” with Boscha and Skara were so different from this. I’m making mistakes, I know it. Luz and Willow and Gus and Hunter: they’ll leave me. I’ll watch it happen, I’ll make it happen. I can’t keep pretending I’m okay. 

But I can’t give up because I’ve barely started. Going back to my old self wouldn’t be worthwhile. I might be betraying that person, but I’ve seen the other side. A glimpse of a new life fills my heart with splendor.

I just wish the price wasn’t so high. I’m not decomposing anymore: but my home and my family might be dead. If I could go back, if sacrificing my newfound happiness could save the Demon Realm, I’d do it in a heartbeat. It doesn’t make sense, and there’s no bargain to strike. But if it was that easy, I’d give up all of this. I’d even give up Luz.

It hurts to say that. Maybe that’s proof that I’m not a selfish person anymore. I don’t know how much I would have sacrificed a year ago to save everyone. Not like I can do anything about it now. It's just very difficult feeling so helpless.

I’ve watched the light drain from her face when she thinks no one is looking, and in those moments I become worthless. For the past few months I’ve tried so hard but I can’t save her like she did for me. So instead I stay reliant, disappointing myself and probably her too. 

The portal door has been such a challenge. When I look at my friends as they stand in the charred debris of our latest experiment, I have to stay hopeful. They look to me for strength, and I would give it to them. But it's so draining. After each failure, I have to face the girl I love and tell her “it’s going to be okay” without bursting into tears.

I once shielded myself from the world. Now that I’ve let people inside, my armor is starting to crack. But I keep finding ways to push myself forward. I don’t think I’ve ever been more brave.

I hate this. Why is being reliant on others a problem? It shouldn’t be. Maybe it isn’t. So instead, the question is this: Why do I think it’s a problem?

I’m using the stress of the past month to fuel the fires of self-pity and hatred. Does that make sense? The fact that I feel bad about a thing that shouldn’t make me feel bad makes me feel even worse.

I’m sorry, I’m rambling. And now I’m apologizing. To paper. Or maybe to myself? Not much I can forgive, again I rely on others to forgive me. It’s like they’re in command of my happiness, and that’s a good thing.

I’ve relinquished the right to control my own happiness. After all those wasted years stomping on those “beneath me,” I have absolutely no right to it. And that’s okay, it takes the burden off of me. 

Right now my only job is keeping Luz safe. Perhaps I’m doing it well. But I feel like I’m just lighting myself on fire. I’m burning too brightly thinking that it’ll help keep her happy. 

I’m reminded of something Boscha once told me. We were talking about some kids we were bullying, or maybe it was a Grudgby match. I don’t care to remember. But she said that she never regretted anything she had ever done. I agreed with her. 

Now that Luz found me, I pity Boscha. Either she has an enviable memory or a pitiable life, to know nothing of regret. I used to be her. I used to live there in the sinking hallows of perfection. I used to know myself. Uncertainty has brought so much happiness, but I know what I was.

Why am I putting myself through this? Am I really still a terrible person? Is my past self lying in the dark, waiting for the right climate to flourish? The people closest to me, closer than my own family, are telling me how amazing I am and how much they love me. Why can’t I find comfort in that? Why can’t I believe them?

There's a constant ringing in my ears that won’t go away. It gets stronger when I write or when I think about everything horrible that I’ve ever done. I think of that green-haired Amity frozen in a snowstorm she conjured herself. She’s alone and in control of her emotions. I envy her ignorance. Sometimes I even miss her.

I shouldn’t be worrying about the person I’m leaving behind. I have to focus on the person I am now . But it's hard to let go of the past when it's gnawing at my ankles, shadowing my every step in the summer sun. So much has happened in the past few months and I don’t know how to process it all.

I didn’t start hating myself until Luz rescued me. I don’t think that’s her fault and I’d never blame her for coming into my life. But there’s no progression here and I’m still frozen in place. I’m pretty sure the only way to go from here is up , but I have no idea how to start climbing. 

I’m always uncomfortable, always anxious, and always hiding it. I smile and then I remember that I have no right to be happy. I know what I’ve done, and I know what I deserve. 

Some mornings I turn and look at Willow, and I just feel so depressed. Regret carries me through those mornings. I betrayed her like I’m betraying myself. She was my best friend and I turned my back on her. I don’t care how my parents justified it, I cut the ties between us.

I want to shake her awake and apologize for everything. I want to scream how sorry I am to her and Gus and everyone. I want to beg for their forgiveness. 

What could I even say to Willow? “I’m sorry for making your life miserable for so long?” How could she forgive me? Luz would give me advice, or probably say something sweet like “Willow wouldn’t be your friend now if she didn’t already forgive you.”

I’ve gotten to the point where I just don’t believe my friends. I don’t trust them when they smile around me, and everything they say is a lie . I’m so selfish. The rational side of me says “Why would Luz stay with you if she didn’t love you?”

Then there’s the rest of me. “No,” it says, “You’re here by chance and they all can’t wait for you to leave. You were toxic: You can’t get rid of that so easily.” I’m torturing myself because I deserve it. And I hate that I can’t stop . 

I’m so tired of fantasizing suicide. I don’t want to die, but thinking of a world without me is such a comfort. I’m so tired of hating everything I used to be, and I hate that I can’t let it go. I’ve been working so hard to change, but this is evidence that it wasn’t enough. Just thinking about who I used to be brings out the worst in me. 

Maybe I’ll get back into knives. I had quite the collection back home. But that would be admitting defeat, and I will not stand for that. 

Maybe I should just leave. It would almost be easy: In the dark corners of the Human Realm I could spread my wings and be born again. I’d leave behind all the frightening changes and open doors. I could drift between clouds as though I’d never felt the wind before. I’d be in command once more, escaping the fantasy because my old self demands it. It suits me to abandon hope and smile when an eerie chill swims in the air. 

But I can’t surrender to that feeling. I found the light and I can’t lose it again. The risk to myself would be too great, and loneliness can cost a great deal. My surface thoughts are influenced by that old darkness, but I can’t go back knowing what I know now. 

Everything I do to myself is so unfair, yet I just keep doing this. Day after day I find reasons to stop being happy. And you know what? All of this pain is just an echo of my old self. That person knew how gratifying hate can be. I feel comfort when I’m at my worst because I know those depths so well.

It’s a stalemate I’m losing ground in. The ice is melting and the drops spread away from me. I can’t keep track of the person I used to be, and now she’s running around in my head unchecked. She gets her fingers into every good thing I do and she taints them. I can’t have a good day without a reminder of who I was.

There are so many days where I feel I can do no wrong. Perhaps I’ve slipped here and there, but I should expect that. I’m a beginner in my first romantic relationship. But now in the moment of truth, when all hope of returning home is lost, all my hours with Luz seem trivial. I can’t make her happy like she used to be, not until we stop Belos. 

When that day finally comes, there will be no celebration on the homefront. Just a long and well-deserved rest for both of us. 

If I could just get that portal door open, maybe I can move past this fear and doubt. I don’t know, but I feel so responsible. I have to get us all home. Luz has been through so much more than I have, she deserves to let someone else take the risks. 

There’s no shocking reveal at the end of the page. No grand revelation, no secret that has eluded me, and no simple solution. All that’s left is me in the state I’m in. I don’t know how to move forward, but the first step is the door. I can’t give up. Compartmentalization is the safest answer here. Stay strong for them, get home, beat Belos, save everyone. Then I can work on myself. 

I deserve at least that much…right?