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Third shift always seemed to go on forever. It was the early morning hours, and Captain Rogers was sure most of the rest of the ship was asleep. He wished he were among them, but he and Commander Barnes were on the roster to man the bridge. Normally, senior officers weren't required to do so, but Steve felt it wasn't fair to leave it to the ensigns all the time. Naturally, where Steve went, Bucky went.
It had always been that way with them, they'd grown up practically living in each other's pockets. When Steve was little, he'd been a frail child and a target of bullies. When Bucky took a liking to the skinny kid who was always hanging around the ship yards, he'd put a stop to that. And they'd been best friends ever since. When Bucky enlisted in Starfleet, Steve wanted to follow, but was at first unable to due to his health.
With the intervention of a Vulcan doctor by the name of Erskine, Steve was healthy as a horse, and likely strong enough to lift one. At first, people had been afraid, and some had even called for Erskine to be exiled from Earth. Taking a sickly man and through experiments turning him into an Adonis had instilled a lot of fear. Some likened Steve to the old Augments, and feared he and others like him would want to dominate the world as they had in the past.
But thankfully, the Federation council had seen reason, and not only cleared Erskine of any wrongdoing, they were more than happy to have Steve join Starfleet. When he saw Bucky again at the academy, he'd been thrilled. The two were assigned to the USS Avenger right after graduation, and that was where they'd been ever since.
Though of course, it hadn't always been easy. As Steve looked over at his best friend, he was still disturbed by the sight of his metal arm. One year after their appointment on the Avenger, Bucky had gone missing during a mission. They were exploring an uncharted planet, which it turned out was being colonized by the Klingon Empire. Steve, Bucky, Dum Dum Dugan, Gabe Jones, Jim Morita, and Peggy Carter were taken by surprise, and in the ensuing fight, Bucky was thought to be dead and left behind.
Steve would never forgive himself for that. It had been his call to return to the shuttle without looking for Bucky. Peggy had tried to comfort him, of course, but it didn't make a difference. Nearly five years later, when Steve was captain of the USS Avenger, it was discovered that Bucky was alive, and had been first a captive, then a pawn of the Klingons. He'd been rescued, but it was years before he was fit for duty again.
Sometimes, a look would come over Bucky's face, and it killed Steve each time. He knew his friend was haunted by horrors, of things the Klingons did to him, or made him do. And Bucky would blame himself. He felt whatever atrocities Bucky had committed, if anyone was at fault, it was Steve.
Peggy had called them both idiots and had no problem telling them they were being ridiculous. She was a no nonsense woman, and Steve wasn't the least bit surprised she'd been promoted to captain first, and now had her own ship the USS Enforcer. When she'd been appointed, most of the old crew had gone with her. Sometimes Steve missed having her as his CO, and the rest of the Howling Commandos, but he knew they were better off where they were.
He was drawn back to the present by Bucky handing him a cup of coffee and saying, "We're about midway through, thought you could use a pick me up."
"Thanks, Buck," Steve replied as Bucky sat back down. "I'm surprised you're not drooping by now."
"Didn't feel much like sleeping," Bucky replied.
Steve frowned. "Something wrong?" he asked.
"Nah, not really. Just thinkin' about stuff. The old days and this new mission for the most part." Bucky snorted a bit and added, "And that we just took on a couple kids I wouldn't trust with a damn tribble."
"Hey, the Maximoffs are good kids," said Steve.
"Yeah yeah yeah... Just so long as they don't try to murder Stark in his sleep. Or if they do to at least film it for the rest of us." That made Steve laugh, and Bucky smiled in return. "But mostly about the old days, back when we were growing up."
This was a topic that hadn't really come up since Bucky came back, and Steve raised an eyebrow. "Oh yeah? Was it about Lenny Perkins and that ugly green bicycle of his? I was thinking about that today."
Bucky rolled his eyes and said, "No. I was thinking about how you almost never dated. And why that trend is continuing as an adult."
That made Steve's heart race. It was true that when he was a teenager, any dates he had at all were double dates with Bucky, whomever his girlfriend was at the time, and the girlfriend's single friend. Most of those dates ended badly, and Steve hadn't really been interested. Steve had loved two people in his life; one was running her own ship, and the other was staring at him.
"C'mon Bucky, you know me. Pretty much married to my work," Steve replied, chuckling, though it did sound uneasy.
Bucky raised an eyebrow. "You seemed to like Captain Carter well enough."
He shrugged. "It just didn't work out."
"Did you hear she and Martinelli are getting married?" Bucky asked.
Steve's eyes widened a bit. "Really? Huh. I knew they were close, I didn't know they were seeing each other."
"Looks like they've been a thing for a while. Got Martinelli when I was trying to reach Carter yesterday." Bucky smiled a bit. "She was pretty excited."
"Why were you calling Peggy?" Steve was a little surprised by that. Peggy and Bucky were never particularly close, and for a while Steve thought they hated each other. But they were able to work together.
Bucky suddenly looked a bit uncomfortable, and he said, "Just thought she might have some ideas."
"Ideas for what?"
"Someone you might wanna date," Bucky admitted.
Steve sighed, shaking his head and saying, "Please don't tell me Romanoff has you on her side too. It's bad enough she has Sam helping her."
"They're kinda right though. You should get out more, date, have something that resembles a life," Bucky pointed out.
"I'm fine, Bucky." Steve leaned in his chair so he was a bit closer to his friend. "I appreciate the effort, I do, but I'm all right."
"Oh come on Stevie, you've been throwing yourself into your work for ages. Sam says you've been like that even before I came back, and it's been getting worse. So what are you trying to avoid?" Bucky fixed him with a stern look and added, "And before you make any excuses, remember that I've known you since you were eight."
Steve rolled his eyes. "Really, I'm fine."
"You're not!" Bucky said, getting up. "Come on, talk to me!" His hand was clenched in a fist, the gears whirring.
"Bucky come on! This isn't the time! We're on watch and--" But Steve was cut off.
"When are we gonna talk about it then? You haven't done much of that since I've been back, either," Bucky pointed out. "You won't talk to me. You pretend everything's fine, but you're wound tighter than a cheap watch! Look, if you want me on another ship, I can put in for a transfer."
"Wait what?! Time out!" Steve said, getting to his feet. "What makes you think that I want you to transfer?"
"Because you've been acting weird since I was reassigned to this ship." Bucky wouldn't look him in the eye now, instead looking at his metal arm. "I know it's not the same as it was. I..." He trailed off.
Steve sighed, and put a hand on Bucky's shoulder. "I don't want you to transfer, and it's not anything that has to do with you. I promise."
"Then what is it?" Bucky asked, looking up at Steve.
In response, he pulled Bucky into a hug. And then, Steve kissed him. But it wasn't what Steve expected. Bucky didn't respond, and Steve himself was out of practice. It didn't seem as though Bucky was into it, but Steve wasn't sure how to stop. It was awkward, and went on for too long. When Steve pulled away, he didn't know what to say. Bucky didn't say anything, and he went to his station and turned away from him.
Steve, sure that he'd just destroyed their friendship, went back to his chair and did his best to concentrate on the monitors for the rest of their watch.
It was the next day that he decided to call Peggy. She was more experienced in dating than he was, and always had good advice. Steve waited patiently for the connection to start, and when it did, upon seeing Captain Carter's face, he couldn't help smiling. "Peggy, long time no see."
Her hair was down, and brown eyes warm. Likely, she had just gotten off duty. But she looked perfectly relaxed, and she was smiling. "Yes, it's been a while," she replied. "To what do I owe the pleasure, Steve?"
"B--Commander Barnes tells me that you and Angie are getting married." Steve smiled, but it was brittle. He was happy for her, but after what had happened with Bucky, it was hard for him to smile. "Congratulations."
"Thank you, we're very excited. Will you and Barnes be attending the ceremony? We're having it on Haven." Peggy was fixing him with a piercing look, however. "I get the feeling that my impending nuptials aren't the real reason for this call."
Steve sighed. "Couldn't even let me pretend, huh?"
"Not for long, at any rate." She leaned forward, looking directly into the camera. "What happened?"
"I think I really screwed things up between myself and my first officer." Steve winced a bit. "I kinda... Kissed him."
"Well it's about time!" Peggy said, her face lighting up.
"Yeah, it didn't go great." He shook his head. "Not sure what I did wrong, but he didn't seem to enjoy it. At all."
"That's surprising." Peggy leaned back, crossing her arms. "He's quite enamored of you."
That made Steve's eyebrows shoot up. "Do you know something I don't?"
"Likely, everyone does," she teased. "Steve, I know how you feel about him. And that he returns it. He's told me so himself when we talked last."
"Wait, why did he tell you? And shouldn't you be keeping that to yourself?" Steve was still shocked.
Peggy waved a hand, saying, "I'm a captain, Steve, not a priest. And even so he didn't make me promise anything. Look, Steve, I feel I should tell you that despite how badly it went, you should try again."
"It was a complete disaster!" Steve exclaimed. "I've never had such a terrible kiss in my life! I don't see how he could possibly return my feelings."
"He does though, I promise you that he does," Peggy assured him. "But you'll need to speak with him. Preferably soon."
"Why?" That had caught Steve off guard.
"If it was as bad as you say it was, he'll likely need reassurance." She was looking at Steve with concern. "You remember what he was like, when he first got back."
Steve remembered all right. Bucky had been part wild animal, part child that needed consoling. There were times when Steve went to visit him that he wasn't sure if Bucky would hold him or strangle him. Sometimes, Bucky would do both, but Steve never gave up on him. Likely, if it hadn't been for his intervention, Bucky never would have been fit to return to duty.
"I do, but I'm not sure what that has to do with anything," he said.
"These sort of incidents have a tendency to fester, it's really best to stop any bad feelings before they spread." Peggy turned, and said to someone off camera, "Is that you my darling?"
"Yeah, it's me, who you talkin' at?" Angie appeared behind Peggy, and she grinned. "Hey Steve! Er, I mean, Captain Rogers."
"You can call me Steve, Angie, it's all right." He assured her, and she grinned again.
"Great. How're ya doin'?" She asked.
"Okay, everything's fine."
Angie raised an eyebrow, clearly she didn't believe him. "Uh huh." She then knelt by Peggy and said, "Dinner's ready, doll face."
"Great, thank you Angie," she replied, kissing Angie's cheek. She turned back and said, "Sorry Steve, I've got to dash."
"Hey, it's fine, enjoy your dinner you two." Steve smiled, and waved at them both.
"Really, talk to him," Peggy urged, then bid goodbye.
Steve cut the video feed, but didn't move. So Bucky did like him. But if that was the case, why had everything gone so wrong?
Two weeks later, they were on third shift again. Steve had decided that tonight was the night, and he was going to talk to Bucky.
Things had been different between them, and it was obvious to all the senior officers. No one had mentioned it, but Steve had been getting significant looks from Sam and Tony, and seen Natasha talking quietly with Bucky a few times in Russian.
Steve was going to apologize. Clearly, he'd read things wrong, despite what Peggy had said. Bucky probably wasn't interested in men. Or maybe he didn't think of Steve as anything more than a friend. But either way, it was to the point they needed to act like the adults they were and talk about it.
This was going to be the first time they were alone together since Steve had kissed him. Steve could only hope that Bucky would be willing to listen to him.
And when Bucky came onto the bridge, Steve smiled, greeting him with a wave of his hand. Bucky didn't react, instead he went to the monitoring station and turned his back on Steve. It made Steve's heart clench. He started to rethink his plan to talk this out. Maybe they weren't ready for it.
As the shift went on, the tension became palpable, and Steve could tell that one of them was going to have to say something. Steve had started to pace the bridge in front of the view port, unsure of how to proceed, but determined to fix this. He thought he would be the one to break the silence, but it was Bucky.
"I'm sorry," Bucky said, which made Steve whirl around to face him.
"What?" Steve asked, bewildered.
"I'm sorry that... Look, I don't know why you kissed me, but I can tell you were grossed out, okay? So, I'm sorry." Bucky was avoiding his gaze again, he was staring intently at one of the radar screens.
Steve approached him, confusion still clear on his face. "Why would you think that?"
Bucky scoffed. "You were kissing like a virgin on his wedding night. Kinda obvious I don't do it for you. Can't say I'm surprised." His tone was bitter now.
"What the hell does that mean?" Steve pressed, startled. He'd never heard Bucky talk like this before. He walked over to his friend, saying, "Look at me and tell me what the hell that's supposed to mean."
Bucky did, and Steve was taken aback. Bucky looked terrible; he likely hadn't been sleeping, and he definitely wasn't eating, at least not as much as he should be. Steve was reminded of when they'd had to lock him in the brig after they'd reclaimed him from the Klingons. He'd been malnourished with long hair, and covered in battle scars. Steve had seen confusion and hunger in him, and he was seeing it in Bucky now.
It was his eyes that were most arresting. There was something sharp and broken in them, like glass on the highway. Something beautiful, but sad, and possibly dangerous. Bucky's eyes narrowed, and he said to Steve, "Come on, Captain, admit it. You aren't attracted to me. Not with this!" He gestured to his left arm.
"Bucky... Is that really what you think?" Steve asked. It was stating the obviously, but he couldn't help it. He took Bucky's cold, metal hand in his own. "I'm sorry, I know it wasn't good, but I was nervous. Then when you didn't kiss me back, I thought you didn't want me in that way."
Bucky didn't seem to know what to say, but he surged forward, his free hand grabbing the front of Steve's uniform to pull him down. Bucky's lips attacked Steve's, and Steve offered no resistance. Bucky kissed him fiercely, and Steve kissed back. He wrapped an arm around Bucky's shoulders, and cupped the side of his face.
They practically attacked each other, and Steve couldn't describe how he was feeling. It was a mix of love and relief tinged with despair and sorrow. Steve pulled away, but didn't let go of Bucky. "You're the most beautiful person I know, inside and out. I want you, in every way possible."
Bucky smiled at that, and kissed Steve's cheek. "Then how about, once we're done with third shift, we go back to your quarters?"
"Don't waste any time do you?" Steve teased.
"Don't wanna waste any more time, more like it." Bucky kissed him again, and Steve smiled against his lips.
"I'm all for it. But we should probably stop." Steve didn't want to, but he knew that more crew members would arrive soon, since it was getting late. And he'd rather they didn't see the captain and first officer making out on the bridge, as it would set a pretty bad example.
"Then make me," Bucky teased.
"Stop or we're not doing anything in my quarters later. And that's an order."
Bucky rolled his eyes, but pulled away. "So bossy. Okay, no hanky panky on duty. Happy?"
"Thrilled." Steve tried to look stern, but he couldn't manage it. Instead, he laughed. He felt better than he had in years. A weight had been lifted from him, one that wouldn't exist if not for their own stupidity.
But they had each other now, not for the first time, but definitely the last. They had their ship, their friends, and the stars. Everything wasn't perfect, but it would be. They'd make sure of it, together.