Chapter Text
It wasn’t often Sora’s thoughts kept him up at night. He had acquired that skill over the years sleeping in the bunk beds of the Gummi Ship; learning over time to quiet his thoughts so his tossing and turning didn’t keep his bunkmates awake. Unless it was something truly daunting, it wasn’t worth the effort. Tonight, however, it was bad enough to raise him from his bed and take him down the stairs of the Mysterious Tower. It’s not like the world was ending or a friend was in danger, though it did concern a friend, perhaps that was the cause of it.
Sora couldn’t understand why something like this couldn’t wait until morning. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. He could understand, it was just difficult to admit. This subject had troubled him for years: Kairi and him. Together. When they were young and she just arrived everything about her was new and exciting. She was just so fascinating and interesting and he loved being around her, surely that was love, right? That’s what everyone called it, anyway. That’s what it was supposed to be. When they carved each other’s portraits into the stone of the secret place he wanted to do something special for her, he just wanted to make her feel as special as Riku made him feel when he showed that place to him. Looking back on it now, Riku probably intended the hideout to be just for the two of them, and sharing it with someone else might have made it feel less special to him. Though he was just a kid, he still felt bad for being so oblivious.
Even if his feelings felt real then, it was undeniable over the past few years he’s started to question how he really feels about Kairi. He’s been to so many worlds and seen so many couples in love, every time he’d think to himself if that was how he was supposed to end up with Kairi one day. Even if the idea of marrying her one day felt wrong, he could still justify to himself that he was probably too young to want a wedding anyway and he still loved her. But he could only keep up the denial so long.
Sora felt like his perception of love was hazy at best. Romantic love, anyway. Love among his friends felt free, there weren’t as many expectations to worry about, he could be as loud and affectionate as he wanted. Romantic love was different, it made him feel uncharacteristically shy. With so many rules and standards, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to define what love looks like for him.
It wasn’t until recently that it finally hit him how much he didn’t want to be with Kairi, and the realization finally made all the denial and excuses from the past make sense. It was upsetting, having something that’s been so true to Sora up until now suddenly become wrong. He’s always been Sora, the boy who’d end up with Kairi one day. But it was also weirdly liberating, knowing he didn’t have to be that anymore.
But the only part of that realization he really cared about now was how it would affect Kairi. This supposed romance had been so important to their relationship for years now. The scene played over and over in his mind, a warm smile and a hand extending a star shaped fruit to share, now with a growing pit of guilt in his stomach. He knew he had to do something about it, he owed it to her to tell her.
He eventually found his way to her room. Summoning his courage, he knocked on the door. “Kairi?” he called quietly, trying to keep his voice down in case she was still asleep. If she was, he might just lose courage and wait until morning after all.
“Come in, Sora,” he heard her voice muffled from behind the door, but he could still tell she sounded groggy. Maybe he did wake her up after all.
He pushed the door open, hesitantly stepping inside. “Sorry to bother you so late. I couldn’t sleep,” he said bashfully, rubbing his hand along the back of his neck.
“No, it’s fine. I was having trouble sleeping too,” she smiled, dismissing his concerns with a fatigued gesture with her hand.
“Well, I wanted to talk to you about something, actually… If you don’t mind,” he said, getting increasingly nervous as the situation became more real to him.
Kairi’s smile faltered, recognizing the austerity of his tone. She sat up in her bed, offering the spot next to her for Sora to sit, “What’s up?”
He carefully made his way over to her, trying to calm his nerves with a deep breath. He sat next to her on the bed, a fair distance between them.
“I… uh… It’s about us…?” he started, making a fair effort to maintain eye contact as much as he could, even if avoiding her gaze was the far more comfortable option for him. Her eyes only grew more focused as he spoke, so he continued, “Kairi, I… don’t think I want to be with you anymore…” Sora made such an effort to get the words out that they sounded more forced than he liked. He elaborated, trying to sound more genuine, “When you offered me the paopu fruit, I was scared at first that it was a confession. Which is weird, since I thought that’s what I wanted. But I don’t think I want it anymore. I think I prefer just being your friend.”
He studied Kairi’s expressions intently, hoping desperately he hadn’t broken her heart. But a look of relief washed over her, relaxing her features, like she’s been waiting to hear this for years. “Ah, thank goodness,” she smiled warmly. “I’m glad I’m not the only one who felt that way.”
Sora wasn’t expecting such a positive response, but it warmed his heart nonetheless. The burden of his anxieties felt so much lighter now. “You mean it?”
“Mhm. I’ve felt this way for a while now, it’s why I didn’t want to put a label on the whole thing. Well, for your sake mostly, but also for me,” she explained.
“For my sake?” he echoed, tilting his head to the side.
“Well, yeah. You’ve always been shy about this stuff, I figured you’d just come to me when you’re ready. And hey, maybe this isn’t exactly the outcome either of us expected back then, but I’m still happy. I knew you’d get the courage one day, dumb-dumb,” she teased with a smile.
“That’s… That’s great, Kairi. I’m happy too,” Sora grinned back at her. “It’s been worrying me for a while now. I had no idea you might’ve felt the same.”
She shrugged, looking off to the side wistfully, “I’ve been giving it some thought too. And really? I don’t know if I ever wanted it. Not for myself, anyway. It’s just how stories like that are supposed to go, I guess, and I was too young to know any other way.”
Sora was surprised to hear that. He thought he used to have feelings for Kairi, but what if he never did? What if they were just inventions to serve a narrative they were acting out? What if he was just putting the wrong label on an emotion that didn’t need one? “I get what you mean. I felt like I was always supposed to end up with you, and there was no other option,” he said.
“Exactly. I wish we knew sooner. Could’ve saved us a lotta trouble, huh?” she giggled. “But I don’t regret it.”
“Me neither,” he smiled, all the worries from before felt so far away now. Kairi just had that ability, she always made it easy to smile around her. “Thank you. I’m glad I told you.”
“I’m glad you told me too. But I could always kinda tell there was something up with you,” she added with a smirk.
“C’mon, was I really that obvious?” Sora whined dramatically.
Kairi scoffed, “Dude, you practically had one eye on Riku that whole time, you think I didn’t notice?”
Sora stiffened suddenly. Did he really? Looking back on it, he remembered being preoccupied with how Riku was doing while they were together. He didn’t think it was that noticeable. He started to feel guilty, possibly having ruined the moment for Kairi. “I was worried about him,” he explained weakly, looking down at the floor.
“Well, I didn’t wanna make assumptions or anything, I was gonna wait for you to tell me whenever you were ready, but I could kinda always tell you were more interested in him. You aren’t exactly subtle,” she said with a smirk.
Thoughts ran through his mind so fast the world felt like it was in slow motion. Was Kairi implying he wanted to be with Riku instead of her? How was that possible? “Riku… Uh… I dunno…” he mumbled dumbly.
“Oh… Hey, hey,” she leaned in closer, putting a hand on his back comfortingly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to put you on the spot or anything! I sorta thought you knew… Maybe I was being presumptuous after all.”
“No, it’s okay. You’re alright. It’s just… It’s not about Riku for me… It’s just about us,” Sora struggled to get his point across, head still spinning, he hoped Kairi could parse what he was trying to say.
She nodded in understanding, “Okay. That’s good to know. Well, if you wanna talk about it, I’m here.”
“I’ll let you know,” Sora said, forcing a smile to ease her worries. “Thanks, Kairi.”
“Thank you for telling me how you felt, Sora,” she smiled back, leaning in to give him a tight hug. There was a noticeable lack of guilt that came from affection with her, the pressure of expectations finally gone from their relationship, he could finally fully enjoy her friendship again. He let out a sigh of relief he’s been holding in for a long time.
They exchanged goodnights and Sora exited her room at last, finally able to go back to sleep. However, as he laid in bed, he found new thoughts spinning in his mind preventing him from going to bed. He kept thinking about what Kairi said about Riku, about being more interested in him over her. Was that really true? They were both his best friends, he hated picking favorites. Well, as a kid it was easy, if asked he’d always say Kairi was his favorite. He felt almost proud to say it, like it was him getting back at Riku for teasing him all the time. But deep down he hated choosing between them, feeling like doing so would make the other sad that they weren’t his favorite. As much as he tried to deny it though, a lot of his thoughts were occupied by Riku, always worrying about him, wondering how he’s doing, admiring his courage, his strength, his face, his smile. Donald had also complained on multiple occasions how often he talked about Riku, even when he was making an effort to talk about him less often.
But he knew that’s not what she meant when said he was interested in him. That’s what worried him the most. Was that really possible? He was still learning about the complexities of love and what it looked like for him, but he’s met so many couples on his travels and it’s always been a boy and a girl, a prince and his princess. It seemed like only just now he was starting to notice how that didn’t always have to be the case. New friends who taught him it didn’t always have to be like that. And that maybe he could have his own prince. Maybe it could be Riku.
The thought made him jolt up in bed, holding a hand to his head as he started to feel dizzy. He used to have a crush on him as a kid (though he never admitted this to anyone), but after he told Sora he didn’t want to be a girl anymore, he just assumed that was it for them, that they couldn’t be together anymore. He never considered him to be an option again after that and assumed his feelings had faded. As if enough things in Sora’s life hadn’t been called into question, now he wasn’t sure if his feelings for Riku faded at all. Has he loved him all along?
The pieces started to fall into place without much he could do to stop them, thoughts tumbling in one after the other making his head spin more and more. He’d convinced himself he’d loved Kairi for so long, when did he let his guard down enough to let those feelings for Riku fester in his heart again? Perhaps when he spent all that time searching for him across the worlds, focused solely on him and getting him back. Or being alone with him in the Realm of Darkness, finally being able to open up with each other and heal their relationship made Sora’s heart feel whole with him in his life again. Being woken up by Riku, being saved by Riku, always by Riku. Always so kind, so selfless, so strong. He’s always admired him so much, that younger Sora who was impressed by everything Riku did still lived in his heart. And perhaps it was that same younger Sora – who knew his feelings for Riku back then – who made his heart cry out with relief, finally being heard after all this time. I love Riku… I love him…! It felt so right when he heard it, like the missing piece of a puzzle, finally making his life make sense. It was Riku all along. The world around him came into focus at last.
He couldn’t get himself to stop smiling, repeating his newly discovered truth to his empty room a few times with laughter to follow it. He fell asleep with his Gummiphone in hand, looking at older text messages from Riku, photos he’s taken, whatever he could hold onto for now until he’d see him next.
Waking up, Sora realized he had no idea what he’d do when he saw Riku next, if he were to do anything at all. He knew well how the script of the love stories went, having been playing in one so long with a role that didn’t suit him. But could he confess? Did he want to at all?
Surely Kairi knew what he was supposed to be doing. Not that she had an active relationship or anything, but if anyone he could talk to about love, surely it was Kairi. (Who else was he supposed to ask, Lea? They aren’t that good of friends and according to Roxas’ endless complaining, he and Isa have still been too shy to get back together.)
Sora!: Kairi, I know we just talked last night but I need you again…
Kairi: Oh no, what happened
Sora!: Nothing bad!!!!!!!!
Sora!: I’m just an idiot.
Kairi: Hey, leave the insults to me! I’ll be the final judge of how dumb you are, got it?
Sora!: Sounds fair.
Sora!: Let’s talk after breakfasy, okay?
Sora!: Breakfst
Sora!: Brekfast
Kairi: Put those typing bubbles away I know what you were trying to say
Sora!: It’s not my fault my thumbs are too big for the buttons!!!!!!!!
Kairi: No, it is. Get smaller thumbs. See you after brekfast
Sora, impatient as ever, then tried to make breakfast go by as quickly as possible. He paced around the kitchen waiting for his toast, and sloppily spread a layer of peanut butter across both slices and he hurried up back to his room to finish it. Not that this would make Kairi come any faster, but if he could convince himself that it eased his antsy heart, it didn’t matter.
Soon after he finished his toast, he heard footsteps up the stairs to his room, and he sat up expectantly. Maybe she rushed through her own breakfast. Kairi flung open the door without knocking and quickly seated herself next to him on his bed. “Sora! Are you okay? What’s wrong?” she fretted as she grabbed his upper arms.
“I’m fine, I’m fine! I told you it was no big deal,” he whined as he wiggled out of her grasp, all this urgency on the subject was gonna make him even more embarrassed to confess it.
“Sorry! After last night being so serious, I was worried something else came up with you. Like you changed your mind or something,” Kairi admitted, snickering a little at the absurdity of it.
“I’m not that wishy-washy!” he pouted. “Well, actually. You’re half right. I did change my mind about something from last night, but not that…” he admitted.
Kairi’s expression grew serious again as she looked at him quietly, ushering him to go on. Sora swallowed, suddenly feeling very unprepared.
“I… I love Riku. I do love him, I mean. You asked me if I did, and I said no. But then I spent all night thinking about it and I think I really really do like him,” the nervousness started to fade from him as the confession left his lips, with the truth out in the open, it was almost liberating, like his heart could take flight at last.
Kairi stared at him dumbfounded for a moment, long enough to make Sora wonder if he said anything wrong, before she snickered. “Oh, maybe you are a dumb-dumb… That was so quick… And here you had me thinking ‘Oh, maybe he doesn’t like Riku after all, how presumptuous of me,’ how could I have ever doubted myself…” she said with a laugh.
“What!? You knew before me!?” his heart faltered, the smile dropping from his face to make him pout once again.
Kairi laughed harder, wiping a tear from her eye. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, it’s not that funny, I know. You’re not stupid, it’s just silly how oblivious you can be… I love you, Sora, I’m really happy you’ve found this out,” the sincerity coming from her after just having laughed at him stilled Sora. Kairi was always good at that, knowing just when to tease him, and when to take him seriously so he didn’t feel neglected, but the shift between those states was always surprising anyway.
He smiled warmly in return, his honesty matching hers, “Thank you, Kairi.”
After a beat, her smile faltered and she looked at him with curiosity. “Is… that all you needed me for?”
“Oh! Right. No, I wanted to ask your advice about it actually,” Sora looked off to the side, suddenly embarrassed again. “Now that I know how I feel, what should I do?”
“You don’t know yet?” Kairi blinked in surprise. “You’re the one who’s always following his heart, why are you asking me?”
“Well, I’ve never really felt like this before!” Sora blurted defensively. “Not this seriously, anyway. I’m not saying you have either, but you’re always good at helping me figure out stuff, y’know?”
“Yeah, I guess neither of us have much experience with this kinda stuff outside of what we had,” she mused with a sigh. She paused, then looked at him with a shyness he hadn't seen on her in a while. “Did you ever know I had a crush on Olette?”
Sora let out a small gasp. “You… you’re gay too?!” he asked without thinking. That probably wasn’t what she wanted to hear.
She laughed, “Maybe? All I know is that I do like girls.”
“That’s how I feel too! I mean, I guess I only figured out last night that I liked guys, but still. I have so much to learn!” he rambled excitedly, before getting back to the topic at hand. “But, uh. No, I never knew you felt that way…”
Kairi smiled at him sweetly. She was always so kind, letting him ramble on about whatever. She must be happy he’s gotten better at keeping himself on track over the years. “I really connected with her when I was in Twilight Town. I didn’t ever really get to think about it again until after we got back home. But it used to keep me up at night a lot, wondering if I’d get to see her again, if she felt the same, and what I’d do about my feelings. Some nights, I’d just forget all about you, and feel terrible in the morning, cause I knew it was you I was supposed to like… Later on was when I realized I didn’t want to be with you anymore. It eventually slipped my mind after a while, I was just trying to let it go and focus on the more important stuff. But I dunno, now that things are different, I’d like to see her again.”
He smiled warmly at her as she spoke. They both knew well enough how hard it was to lock your true feelings away, it was nice to hear her be so honest about emotions with him. “Do you know what you’re gonna do when you see her?”
“Well, I’ve spoken to her a bit since she and everyone else visited Destiny Islands… But I was too shy to really do anything other than ask how she was doing. I’d just like to see her again, maybe ask to show her around her hometown, take me somewhere nice where we can talk again. I just wanna get to know her better, y’know?” Kairi said, her voice was low and wistful as she spoke, smiling fondly as she looked back at Sora.
“That sounds perfect,” Sora smiled back.
“I guess my point is, I don’t really know either. I guess it’s not really the same, I’m still getting to know Olette, and you’ve known Riku since you were both toddlers… Just go with your heart. What’s it telling you?” Kairi offered.
Despite catching onto the metaphor, he put a hand over his heart, trying to listen to it. Not that it was actually useful for this kind of thing, but the gesture helped him think. “I’d like to be with him… I just don’t know how,” he said softly after a moment of thinking. “I guess I’ll start by… figuring out how to tell him.”
“That’s as good a start as any,” Kairi grinned enthusiastically.
They talked for a while longer before they both had to head out on their respective missions. Sora had been excited for his mission with Riku all day up until it was about to become real, packing his essentials before leaving his room to meet up with him. Knowing now how he really feels about him, how was he supposed to act? Keeping everything inside all the time was exhausting. Riku was better at it than he was, but he could admit to himself that was a weird thing to be envious of. Sora always had his heart on full display, having to tone down this grand, earthshaking love that was pounding from inside his ribs was going to be near impossible. But his friendship with Riku was on the line, after all, and there are few things in his life more important than that.
But what after that? He couldn’t just keep trying to act normal around him forever. He needed to have an end goal. Ideally, he wanted to eventually confess, but it’s not like he’d just wake up one day with the confidence to say how he felt. It was no secret Sora was sensitive to rejection, he was just a very sensitive person overall. Even just being let down easily would eat him up inside, agonizing over if Riku still wanted to be friends at all after knowing Sora had feelings for him. No, he could never be prepared for that.
If he wanted to confess to Riku one day, he had to know he’d feel the same. He wanted to be with him after all, and this was as good a way to go about it as any.
He rose to his feet, duffel in hand, driven by a new purpose. If he was going to confess, he had to get Riku to like him back. And that’s what he was gonna try to do from now on.