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Fifteen.
There’s an old saying that goes ‘your life will flash before your eyes when faced with imminent death.’
At this point in her life she’s already dealt with far too many brushes with death, but when Taylor felt the warmth of Tyler’s body beginning to leave her side, as she saw her brother starting to fall , that’s the only time when she thinks she finally understood what that saying meant.
She screams.
She screams until her throat is raw and her lungs are on fire. She screams until she feels Ben’s hands tightening around her as he pulls her away from the open door, stopping her from going to where her brother is. He tries to calm her down, but she is desperate and grieving, and her pain is boundless now that Tyler is nowhere in sight.
The realization of what’s happened, of what will become of her brother the longer he stays alone, begins to crush her and she breaks.
There are tears streaming down her cheeks as she begs Ashlyn to turn back, to drive back to where she’d seen Tyler last. Her vision was starting to blur from all the tears, and yet Tyler’s face— so pained and afraid —as he fell remained clear in her mind. She’s never seen her brother look so helpless before, not even after their dad’s passing.
Nothing could have ever described the kind of grief that she felt when they had no other choice but to keep going, leaving her brother behind as they faced off with another monster out to get them.
Despite the logic in Ashlyn’s reason, she couldn’t stand leaving Tyler for even a second, doing so almost felt like betrayal.
After all, Tyler may have promised her all his care and protection, but Taylor had promised him a lifetime of staying together in return.
But she was moving forward while Tyler wasn’t, and his absence will haunt her for the rest of her life.
She’s spent fifteen years of her life living with Tyler next to her at all times, his presence a source of comfort and strength, so the thought of being without her brother now is enough to make her realize how cold she truly is without Tyler by her side.
Fifteen years isn’t enough time, not when she still has so much of her love, her gratitude, and her appreciation to give him.
Taylor understands this, she understands this more than anyone.
Fourteen.
Tyler was like the sun, always burning hot and bright and powerful, a raging fury of fire and fierce loyalty and commitment that would burn anything that would even dare to harm his family.
In moments where her grief starts to weigh in on her, he is the ray of light she will look for to take away all of the darkness inside of her.
On their fourteenth birthday, Tyler takes her to the same ice cream shop their dad used to take them to after work.
Just like their dad, he lets her pick whatever flavor she wants, insisting he’s got enough money to pay for everything.
She doesn’t ask him where he got the money and he doesn’t tell her how. He never does, and she's learned not to pry.
She picks a total of five different flavors and another five for Tyler, making sure she picks all of his favorites.
The walk back home was quiet, with the two of them far too focused on making sure the ice cream doesn’t melt on their fingers.
The silence between them is familiar, comfortable. It leaves her chest feeling warm and her eyes trail back towards her brother out of curiosity.
She hasn’t really found the time to really look at her brother, but what she sees almost breaks her heart. Tyler looks tired, she observes, noting the dark bags under her brother's eyes. He looks paler too, and his cheeks are a bit hallowed like he hasn’t been eating properly in a while. Gone are his easy smiles and laughter, replaced by years of hard work and exhaustion.
Since when did her twin look so worn out, and why is she only noticing now?
Tyler used to joke around with her all the time back then, used to be so carefree to the point where he had gotten one of his ears pierced and had spent all of his allowance buying a brand new baseball bat.
But now, seeing this version of Tyler: with his all too serious eyes and the layers of calluses on his fingertips; he almost looks unrecognizable from the Tyler in her memories who used to get excited about his interests.
Taylor averts her eyes immediately from her brother at the memory of their old life, and opts to just focus on finishing her ice cream, ignoring the sudden ache in her chest.
Sensing her shifting mood, Tyler nudges her with his elbow to get her attention. “What’s wrong?” He asks. There's a worried expression on his face as he looks at her.
He's always looking out for her, she realized. Always so attuned to her needs.
She feels tears pricking at the corner of her eyes and she does her best to repress them before they start to fall.
Here her brother was, spending what little of his time he could to indulge her and celebrate their birthday together, and all she did was make him worry about her in return.
Pulling herself together, Taylor put on her biggest smile to ease her brother’s concern.
“I was just thinking about what yours tastes like.” She lies quickly, deliberately looking at his barely eaten ice cream cone.
“Wanna have mine then?” Tyler asks, easily offering up his own to her.
“I’m good.” She tells him with a shake of her head.
The sun is beginning to set as they make their way over to the park, and she sits herself on an empty swing while Tyler sits next to her.
The two of them quietly ate as they watched a bunch of neighborhood kids playing, chasing each other around with their parents watching closely behind. The smiles on their faces are evident, completely untouched by grief.
It takes her a moment to regain her voice.
“Thanks for the ice cream, Ty.” She tells him, meaning every word and more.
“Well I promised you ice cream yesterday, didn't I?” He says after a moment. There’s a tired smile on his lips and the sadness on his eyes is unmistakable.
But there’s also something else there, something hard and burning, a dedication and promise which Taylor can’t help but seek comfort in.
“Yeah, you did.” She answers him with a smile of her own.
Tyler’s never broken a single promise to her in his life, and he wasn’t going to stop now.
Thirteen.
Their old second hand bike finally stopped working on a random Thursday afternoon.
Tyler gave up trying to fix it after a few hours of poking and prodding and insisted that they'd be fine with just walking to school and selling the old bike's usable parts for extra cash even though the old bike was their dad's and it's one of the few things her twin really cherished.
As much as she wanted to surprise her brother with a brand new bike, they couldn't really afford to get a new one at the moment and school was already starting so getting a job wasn’t really something Taylor could do without Tyler finding out.
So with a quick trip to the public library and a few books on basic bike mechanics and maintenance, Taylor sets off to fix the bike before Tyler could take it to the junkyard to try and sell it.
It takes her a few days of sneaking around behind Tyler’s back, but she finally manages to fix the damaged cable without her twin knowing, and the bike is finally able to shift gears no problem.
A part of her is excited to show her brother the result of her efforts, but a bigger part of her feels elated, proud even of her work.
She shows Tyler the bike after school, and she could see some of the old spark returning on her brother's eyes when he sees the bike all polished and working again.
Tyler looked so happy that he immediately spun her around before giving her the tightest hug and taking the bike out for a quick trip to the grocery to make her favorite food.
She couldn't stop smiling after seeing the look on her brother’s face, and for once she felt like she did something to help out, and since Tyler couldn't stop bragging to all of their friends about how great she was at fixing their bike, maybe she should also learn how to get better at fixing other things or even making something for her and her brother.
Because if anything, Tyler deserves to have more for all the things he purposely gave up for her and their mom.
When their homeroom teacher offered her a place in the mechanics club, Taylor didn’t even hesitate to join.
Twelve.
She doesn’t exactly know when she started to rely so much on her brother, but Tyler has always been by her side, always so ready to take all of her pain on top of his own.
When he had promised to take care of her all those years ago, she had been far too young to fully grasp the extent of her brother’s words. Too raw and tender with grief, she had accepted her brother’s offer without realizing what she had truly agreed to.
It takes her years, but Taylor is slowly starting to understand.
After all, she sees less and less of Tyler lately.
She still sees him every day, but ever since Tyler started taking more of their parents’ house work, and as he spends more of his time studying or practicing for tryouts, it almost feels like she hardly gets to spend any time with him.
It’s a selfish thought, to want to take more of Tyler’s time when he hardly has anything for himself. She knows how hard her brother is working for her, but it doesn’t stop her from missing him any less.
She wants to play with her brother again.
Tyler never did anything fun anymore.
Eleven.
She wakes up early to the smell of melted butter and she follows the scent all the way to their kitchen where she spots her brother by the stove. Before she could even greet her brother good morning, Tyler handed her a plate stacked full of pancakes.
“What time did you wake up?” She asks with a mouthful of pancake and syrup.
“Swallow your food first before you accidentally choke on it.” Tyler warns with a point of his spatula to her direction.
Thoroughly reprimanded, she does as she’s told, making sure Tyler sees her swallowing before finally asking him again.
She watches Tyler flip the last pancake towards his own plate before closing the stove and making his way to join her on the dining table.
“Dunno.” He answered her as he sat down. “Probably an hour ago or something?” He adds.
“You could’ve woken me up.” She tells him after another bite. “I can help out.”
Tyler laughs at her offer before shaking his head no.
“I’d rather cook alone than have you burn everything like last time.” He teases.
Heat makes its way to her cheek at the reminder of last week’s failed attempt at making breakfast, where she had secretly tried to make sausage biscuits on her own for her and Tyler.
Tyler came rushing to the kitchen from the smell of the smoke, and she had been banned from entering the kitchen afterwards.
It was embarrassing to have Tyler take the pan and spatula from her hands and usher her out of the kitchen that day.
She hasn’t picked up a spatula ever since.
“I can learn, you know.” She grumbled, trying her best to hide her embarrassment. “I’ll practice and get better eventually.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you will.” Tyler is quick to agree, putting an extra pancake on her plate as a peace offering from his earlier teasing. “But I like cooking for you and mom, so this is no big deal.”
“But you’ll still call me if you need help, right?” She asks, just to be sure her presence was still welcome in their kitchen.
Tyler smiles fondly at her.
“Only if I need it.” He says bore ruffling her hair.
Ten.
“I’m fine,” Tyler muttered, stepping away from her touch when she moved closer to inspect the harsh bruise on his left cheek. “It’s not as bad as it looks, really."
"What happened?" She asked, trying her best to keep her voice even. There’s dried up blood on her brother’s nose and she stomps away at the anger boiling inside of her from the sight. Her brother needed her right now, she’ll deal with whoever hurt him tomorrow.
"A stray ball hit me." Tyler lies, dismissing her concern with a wave of his hand as he makes his way to the bathroom for the first-aid kit.
She pushes him to sit down on the kitchen stool instead while she runs off to grab the kit herself.
Thankfully her brother was too tired to fight her off when she offered to clean his wound, and she made quick work on her task.
"Tell me who did it." She tries again, hoping to get an answer as she finishes her work on his face.
“Some asshole fifth grader.” She hears him say at last. “I took care of him already, so don’t get yourself involved.”
"Why shouldn't I?"
“Cause I already took care of it, Tay.” Tyler tells her, meeting her gaze.
She frowns, grabbing her brother’s hand in a tight grip. There are calluses all over his fingertips, hardened by years of hard work, and when she turns them to the side, she could feel freshly healed cuts on his knuckles.
Tyler tries to hide the wince on his expression when she gently runs her fingers over his injury.
“You need to stop getting into fights. Whatever he said isn’t worth it.” She says before meeting Tyler's eyes, unflinchingly.
It was the third time this week where her brother got into a fight, and the more he showed up covered in bruises, the more she could feel him slipping away from her grasp.
Taylor doesn’t know what she’d do if he ends up getting even more hurt just because some stupid kid couldn’t keep their mouth closed.
It takes Tyler an eternity to reply, but when he does, the anger she saw earlier in his eyes is no longer there.
Tyler sighed, about to reach up and rub his face with his hands, but remembering the still very tender bruise on his cheek, thought better of it. Seeing this action sent a pang of ache through Taylor’s chest.
“I’m sorry for worrying you.” Tyler adds, squeezing her hand in apology. “But you’re wrong, Tay. What I did was worth it.”
She’s about to tell him how stupid he sounds, but Tyler pulls her into a hug and she could feel his hands shaking around her. She lets herself be held, giving her brother enough time to calm down until he could speak to her without his voice shaking.
“If it means assholes like him will stop talking about you and mom, then it’s worth it. You’re worth it, Tay. Always.”
She pulls herself from Tyler’s hug to look at him properly, doing her best to meet those explosive brown eyes. And she would understand what Tyler meant years later, as they faced off with shadowed creatures in a world she could barely comprehend.
But for now, she simply nods her head; trusting in her brother’s words without understanding at all.
She has all the time in the world to understand what he said after all.
Nine.
Taylor used to love going home after school.
She looked forward to counting down as the clock inched forward, wishing for the seconds to tick faster until the bell would ring and the familiar sound of their dad’s old sedan would greet them by the parking lot.
Their dad used to play all his favorite songs as they drove home, singing along despite Tyler’s insistence for him to quiet down before any of their classmates heard, to which their dad would answer by singing even louder, much to her twin’s frustration.
Taylor never minded listening to their dad sing, she always thought he had a nice voice, and she would always tell him she thought so just to see his smile get even wider, handsome and infectious. She especially loved it, when the song playing is something she knew cause it meant being able to sing along with her dad the whole ride home.
All of their car rides had been so full of music and laughter.
Coming home was no different.
Dinner was always a loud and music filled affair, with their dad’s vinyl player cranked up at the loudest volume as it played album after album of every artist their dad claims to be the best of the best.
She would watch in awe as their dad swept their mom off her feet and into a dance as soon as dinner was finished. She would clap her hands as they twirled and spun in each other’s arms.
She wasn’t much of a dancer, not like her mom, but she loved it when she got to spring around in her father’s embrace when it was her turn.
Tyler would complain about their insistence to get him to join them, but he’d still do it eventually. He would even let their mother teach him the steps when she asked.
Their home had been so full of light and laughter that not a single day went by where Taylor had ever thought it wouldn’t be without.
Entering their house now felt so vastly different from her memories that she fought the urge to physically recoil.
Silence greets her entrance, not her mother’s warm and loving smile.
Her fathers old vinyl records were no longer playing, Tyler had stored all of them, along with their father's other belongings, inside a spare room where their mother wouldn’t be able to see them.
Quietly, she makes her way inside her bedroom making sure to cover her ears when she passes by her parent’s bedroom to avoid hearing her mother’s muffled sobbing.
Once inside her room, she lets herself sink into the floor. Tyler had insisted she go home first after school ended while he bought their groceries. Without her brother next to her, she finally lets her smile slip, allowing her mask of normality to break as she lets herself wallow in her own grief.
She cries for the things she misses, for the things she lost, for the things that were taken from her. She cried until she could hardly breathe and her chest started to ache.
She doesn’t know how long she stayed curled up on herself, but once she finally couldn’t cry any further, she picked herself back up.
She couldn’t possibly let Tyler see her like this, not after what she saw her brother endure.
So with a bit of fuzzing, she pulls herself out of her room just in time to hear their front door opening.
When Tyler calls out for her, she puts on her brightest smile and welcomes her brother home.
She pretends he doesn’t notice the puffiness of her eyes when he offers to make them dinner.
Eight.
Ever since Taylor could remember, Tyler had always been really, really, brave.
Tyler may have been born only a few minutes earlier than her, but he took his role as her older brother with a fierce sense of loyalty and dedication one would expect from someone years older than they were. Tyler wasn’t always as strict or as responsible for her back when they were a lot younger, but he had always been strong.
He was strong when their father had been diagnosed with a sickness no amount of their mother’s tears could cure. And he was even stronger when their father gave them his final breath and passed away, leaving his family behind to pick up the pieces.
He stood tall while she held onto their mother's side as they began to lower their father’s casket to the ground, his face was hard as stone and his cheeks were free of tears. He held her hand in a tight grip after the funeral, grounding her as she cried her heart out at the realization that they were never going to see their father’s smiling face ever again.
Tyler had set all of his grief aside, offered to take all of their parents' responsibility in the house, and took care of her the best way he could, because he was the bravest person she knew, ever.
So at times when she was scared, really, truly scared, Taylor thought of her brother.
When she wakes up from another nightmare, she lets her mind wander towards her brother. The thought of Tyler sleeping soundly in the other room relaxes her.
She was safe, she reminded herself.
Tyler had promised her he’d protect her.
Her breath finally even out, and by the next second she was fast asleep once again.
Seven.
She wakes up with unshed tears on her eyes and a loud cry of her brother’s name.
Tyler is immediately awake and alert as he searches for her within the darkness of their room. She notices the relief as it washes over his expression first as soon as he spots her completely unharmed.
And right away, she starts to feel embarrassed for waking him up because of another nightmare.
But Tyler never says a word, even when he watches her climbing down the upper bunk to join him in his bed, he simply lifts his blanket up and allows her to curl up against his chest, wrapping his arms around her in a protective hug.
Their parents are still at the hospital, and Tyler hasn’t told her why yet.
She misses their mom and dad a lot, but she promised them she'd be good and wait for them to get back.
Still, she wants to ask him what’s wrong, wants to tell him that her nightmares are always waking up in a hospital bed alone, but she sees the bags under his eyes and decides to keep her worries to herself.
She can always tell him some other time, and besides Tyler was with her now and she always sleeps a lot better knowing that he’s there to keep her safe.
No one's ever beaten Tyler in a fight before, not even the scariest of monsters.
Six.
It was always a special occasion when their dad was home early. Days like this meant a trip to the park and stuffing their faces with so much food their stomach aches.
Tyler is already out of their room, baseball bat in hand as he shouts for her to hurry.
She scrambles to grab her favorite plushie before running after her brother.
They spend the whole afternoon at the park, running around in the grass and playing catch. She lets their mom tie her hair for her while she watches Tyler hit as many of their dad’s pitches with a big grin on his face.
Tyler told her once that he dreams of going pro one day.
As she watches Tyler send the baseball flying up in the air once again, she sees the carefree smile on her brother’s face and thinks it’s a good look on him.
Taylor may not know much about baseball, but if there’s one thing she knows with any certainty, it’s that her brother would be able to do anything he’s set his mind to.
She could see it all too clearly, years from now her brother would be playing in the biggest stadium in the world, with thousands of people chanting his name. He’d be glowing like a solar fire the entire time and she couldn’t wait to see it happen with her own two eyes.
Tyler was definitely going to shine brighter than any star one day.
Five.
There’s a deep cut on her knee and blood is slowly dripping down to her favorite shorts. She hates how the blood is going to her clothes, but she hates the pain even more.
One moment she was playing tag with the neighborhood kids near the swing set at the park, and the next second, she had tripped and fallen over, getting dirt all over her face and hands.
The pain was unbearable and she couldn’t stop her tears as soon as they started to fall.
She cries for their mom, but Tyler is next to her in a heartbeat.
She hears her twin’s worried voice before she even sees him.
"What happened?" He asked worriedly, his eyes frantically inspecting the open wound on her knee with a deep frown.
"Don't worry, Tay." She hears Tyler telling her, trying to sound as reassuring as he can despite the shakiness of his voice. He’s only ever been the one getting hurt between them and seeing her injury has left him in a state Taylor has never seen before. "I’m here. I got you."
She feels him place something on top of the wound, and when she starts to open her eyes to inspect what it was, she sees a bright yellow sun-themed band aid over her cut.
"Pretty cool huh?" Tyler says, noticing her fascination towards the cartoon sun printed on the band aid. He gives her injured knee a soft pat before adding, "I was saving that for baseball practice with dad, but I think it looks a lot better on you than me."
Tyler gives her a reassuring smile, and for a moment, she’s forgotten about the pain.
The band aid stays on her knee the rest of the day, only taken out when their mom sees the extent of her injury and has Taylor sitting down on the kitchen stool as she applies antibiotics on the dried cut.
Tyler got an earful from their mom about treating injuries and infections, but at least they both got ice cream afterwards for looking out for each other.
Four.
Tyler is already able to say a lot of things, and he could read really fast too.
He writes his name in big and bold strokes the exact same way their dad taught him how, and he would always write her name right next to his.
Unlike her brother, Taylor prefers coloring and drawing around her notebooks in class. She likes making up stories about her and her family, and she’d always take inspiration from all the stories her mom would sing to them before they slept.
Taylor especially loved stories about the sun and moon because of how often their mother called them her little sun and moon, and she would often draw herself as the moon while her brother would be the sun.
She especially took great care in making sure the sun in her drawing shined just as brightly as her brother.
Tyler doesn’t really share her love for drawing, but he would always keep all of the cards she made for him in his notebook. The latest card she had given him, the one where she drew his face as the sun, is taped on his side of their room, with a small written note at the bottom that read, ‘From Tay’ in her brother’s neat handwriting, and that means the whole world to her.
She keeps drawing for Tyler and her parents, happy to see her art plastered around their house like the many paintings farmed all over their wall.
Three.
She’s been trying to keep up with Tyler whenever the two of them are able to play outside in the garden while their parents sit back to watch them from the picnic table.
Tyler’s always been fast, and he’s even faster now as she watches him try to catch a butterfly fluttering across their mom’s favorite flower bed.
She watches him in amazement before finally running off to follow him. She’s still a few feet behind when she hears him shout in glee, triumphant as he waves his free hand to her. She scrambles to reach him faster and once she’s finally next to him, he opens his hand up for her to take a peek at his priceless catch.
Unfortunately, the butterfly manages to escape from the opening and the two of them quickly run after it, screaming and laughing the entire time. They ran until they felt their legs give out from the exertion and they both ended up flopped side by side on the grass exhausted, still laughing together.
The sun is high up in the sky, casting its golden light all around them, bathing the world in something Taylor can only describe as beauty and wonder.
When the light touches Tyler’s face, it makes him look golden, larger than life.
And in that moment, Taylor truly believes he is.
Two.
She’s been placed right next to Tyler inside the same crib, but she doesn’t like being apart from her mother for too long.
She cries and shouts to get their mother's attention, but Tyler stays quiet the entire time, watching her with curious brown eyes.
In the next second, she sees Tyler's hand slowly reaching forward to grab hold of hers.
Her twin brother’s hands are as small and clumsy as her own, but he holds her with all the gentleness a two year old boy is able to muster.
Tyler’s touch manages to calm her down until she stops crying altogether. Slowly, she begins to settle next to her twin, happy and content to be in her brother’s arms.
Taylor doesn’t truly understand this yet, but with Tyler by her side, she’s never felt, not even for a second, alone .
One.
Right now, she only knows two things about this brand new life with any kind of certainty.
The first one is that her name is Taylor Hernández.
The second is that she’s not alone, not really.
Because she has her older twin brother right next to her, and he will hold her hand as they both try to conquer this wonderful and strange new world together.