Work Text:
No, no, no, no.
This was not happening.
It's Wednesday.
There's coffee all over Sukuna Ryomen's shirt, and it's Wednesday.
There's coffee all over Sukuna's shirt, and Shoko is just standing there, blubbering apologies and his spare shirt is all the way on the other side of the office, in his bag, at his cubicle, and it's Wednesday.
All eyes in the office are on the spectacle, and it's fucking. Wednesday!
The panic settled into his skin before the burn of scalding hot cappuccino, but before Sukuna could scream, his co-worker was taking his arm, yanking him towards the bathroom.
It was Nanami. Nanami knew that it was Wednesday.
Nanami was the best friend Sukuna could ever ask for.
There was no one else in the bathroom, and Sukuna was shoved into the only stall, before his bag was slid from under the door. He breathed a sigh of relief.
"It just had to be a Wednesday, didn't it?" Nanami grumbled annoyedly from outside the stall, though Sukuna could hear the teasing in it.
"Yeah..."
Every Wednesday, idol duo sensation Kitty Hop did a 12 hour livestream, and every Wednesday, Ryomen wore one of his many custom Kitty Hop tees under his work uniform. If he didn't he felt grumpy, misplaced; wearing the tshirt during work hours made him feel a little less like he was missing his two favorite people in the world chatting up their fans in favor of slaving away for some nameless black market company. While he had his t-shirt on, it felt like he was with them, and not in this droning office hell.
In the stall, his outer button-up came off, and he breathed another sigh of relief, seeing that none of the offending coffee got on his precious Uraume-chan.
He reached down towards his bag.
"Um, Kento-kun..."
"Yes?"
Sukuna's breath shuddered. "This is your bag..."
No sooner than the words left his mouth, the main entrance to the bathroom swung open, and the last two people the friends wanted to see strolled in.
"Ugh, it's you, Nanami," Sukuna heard Satoru Gojo remark with disgust.
They didn't know Sukuna was there too? They must have been out of the office when the whole ordeal happened, maybe too focused on their work to notice something as irrelevant as coffee getting spilled on their arch-nemesis. Sukuna could admit it, he was being kind of dramatic about it, himself.
Quickly, as quietly as he could, Sukuna sat on the seat and made himself small, kicking his feet up so they weren't visible from under the stall. At this angle, Toji-kun's face was scrunched up on his shirt. It would wrinkle.
Sukuna wanted to cry.
He held his breath.
"Move, Nanami," Gojo.
"N-no." Nanami now.
"Ugh, move, asshole."
"No." More stern now.
"What the fuck is your problem? I have to use it!"
"Satoru." A third voice, Gojo's friend, Suguru Geto.
And of course those homos came to the fucking bathroom together. Did they sleep together too? Fucking assholes.
"Calm down," he finished.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Gojo bit back. "Yaga's been on my ass. I waited 30 minutes for this bathroom break, I have to go. " Gojo must have turned back to Sukuna's friend, because now his complaints were more like snarls.
He and Geto never did like Sukuna and Nanami. Probably just jealous that they were the better duo, but Sukuna digressed.
The sweat was dripping down his forehead uncomfortably now, and the position he was in was a real core workout- he tried not to shift on the toilet seat, tried to stay frozen, tried not to make any noise. He didn't know how much longer he could hold out.
"Move out of my way or I'll make you, Nanami."
Sukuna didn't hear Nanami answer, but heard the stall rattle a bit, probably the latter pressing his back firmer against the stall, probably a shake of his head.
Oh, Nanami, Sukuna thought to himself (though, with how close he and Nanami were, he was sure their telepathic link carried his thoughts over). How are we going to make it out of this one?
Sukuna could have sworn he received a 'Don't worry,' back from his friend, in his mind.
What did he do to deserve Kento Nanami?
He bit his fist, a strangled, ‘brother!’ heavy with grateful tears was sent back to his best friend (telepathically, of course).
"I have to fucking. use it." Gojo again.
"Then you'd better find another fucking bathroom," Nanami grit defiantly.
Sukuna tried not to huff, exasperatedly; his legs were shaking with exertion. He knew that no matter how much muscle Nanami had built up over the last few months, Gojo was undoubtedly stronger than him. If he wanted to move Nanami, he would, and it wouldn't even take much effort.
He heard shuffling outside the stall, a small bang. Probably Gojo reaching for his friend, probably Nanami backing into the stall harshly again. The twink wouldn’t really put his hands on the blonde though, right? If he did…
If he did then Sukuna would have to step in, only biting his lip briefly as he thought about the outcome of the fight. If Gojo got serious he might cause him a bit of trouble…He shook his head.
Nah, I’d win.
He gave it a resolute nod, making up his mind. If that prick put his hands on his cute kouhai, Sukuna would have to come to his aid, secret be damned.
Sukuna almost brought his feet down when the blonde took a deep breath that he was sure only he could hear.
"I ALREADY TOOK A SHIT!" Nanami shouted, effectively making both Gojo and Geto take one or two steps away from the stall.
Silence.
What. The. Fuck.
They could hear him gulp down his fluster.
"I- I- " Sukuna heard Nanami stutter. "I... I took a shit," he reiterated, somewhat breathless, embarrassment taking the volume. "It was so bad... that when I stood to flush... it wouldn't."
Sukuna started sobbing in the stall, as silently as he could.
This was fucking torture.
"Um, ew. TMI." Gojo bleugh -ed after.
Annoying bitch.
"No one's going in the stall till it's fixed," Nanami said with conviction. "I’ve already called maintenance," he finished.
"Come on, Satoru," Geto said, washing his hands. "If it's broken you can't use it anyway."
Gojo kissed his teeth, but followed his friend out the bathroom anyway.
As soon as the door closed, Sukuna's legs dropped to the floor loudly, and Nanami slumped down the stall door, careful not to touch the floor on his way down.
"Oh, my god..." Sukuna sobbed. "I hate my fucking life..."
"We are never doing this again," Nanami sighed, taking his phone out.
Sukuna heard the click-clack of typing away, and in no time at all, Nanami was grabbing the correct bag from a co-worker, and passing it to Sukuna from under the stall once more. Then, he was dressed, and the two of them were out the bathroom (not before scoping the scenery to see exactly where Gojo and Geto were, of course).
Once they were seated back at their desks, they heard the commotion.
"Gojo! What took you so long to get me those files?!"
"Ugh, don't get mad at me, Yaga," Gojo said his name with a kind of flippancy. "If it wasn't for Officer Stank over there." He jutted an accusatory finger in Nanami's direction. "I'd have had them to you yesterday."
Sukuna could see the embarrassed frown of his friend from across the room, feeling guilt eat at his throat in swarms. He could see the sweat trickle into his collar as he stood.
"My apologies, sir.” He watched Kento say with a bow. "I'll try to spend company time in a more efficient way."
"Uh... as long as you know..." Yaga brushed him off, not without a look of skepticality.
Sukuna couldn't take this- he was a terrible fucking person.
He stood, pretending to go to the printers. At his best friend's desk, he paused, placing a hand on his shoulder in what he hoped was an apologetic gesture.
"Would you..." He squeezed, finding the words. "Would you like to go out for dinner with me tonight...?"
A breath of silence passed between them, and Sukuna wouldn't blame him if he refused his offer- he'd do the same in his shoes.
"I'd like that..." Nanami ended up mumbling.
Sukuna nodded, a tear threatening to roll down his cheek.
There was no way he could possibly repay his best friend's courageous act of valor, but he'd be damned if he wouldn't try.