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The two sit side by side, silence accompanying them in the awkward atmosphere shared between them both.
It was something. Not nothing, for sure, but it was something that Leo couldn’t put his finger on to figure out.
What is there to say anyway? And how does he say it? He’s pretty sure he’s going to be stuck here sitting and thinking and hesitating for a long while; Leonardo’s sure of it too, as he’s also stuck in that loop.
“So...” Leo starts slowly, trailing off as he tries to find his next words.
“So?” Leonardo repeats. A subtle confirmation to continue, and so he does.
“There’s something between us that’s making this awkward, right?”
An amused scoff. “Obviously.”
“Well excuse me for stating it out loud, but it was driving me crazy with nothing being said!”
“I was aware of that before you said it,” Leonardo remarks as Leo scoffs this time, crossing his arms with his shoulders tensing upwards. “But that doesn’t mean you’re the only one hesitating, too.”
“You think I’m hesitating?”
“We’re kinda the same person, you know; some things stay the same even with an age difference. Like our stupidity-“
“-Hey!”
“And with our hesitation to talk about stuff.”
Leonardo was staring right at him with a set gaze, focused and silent that it had him shift uncomfortably, feeling as if he was being seen through easily. Too easily.
“Okay, and?”
“ And. I’d like to talk about it with you.”
“What’s there to talk about?” He scoffs, dismissing it easily.
“You should be aware of that by now,” Leonardo replies with patience to his words.
“You don’t know if it’s the same as what I’m thinking.”
“Really? I’m sure I can make a good guess on that.”
“Yeah?” He turns himself to face his gaze — still unwavering and firm, his own eyes narrowed back at him.
It’s an unreasonable expression to be responding with, something Leonardo takes notice of as his eyes soften, but Leo’s doesn’t.
“So you’re thinking about how I could’ve changed what I’ve done in the past, that I could’ve listened to Raph and let him get that key, and instead of doing that, I’ve gone and got him kidnapped to become this messed up super soldier for the Krang. That I wouldn’t have had to put my brothers through that for being stupid to think I can fix everything, but it only was worse until I listened.”
“If anything, Casey was right about me on many things, and wrong about me on one.” Leo ignores how Leonardo’s eyes widened in shock, continuing despite how choked up his voice was.
He’s told this much, he’s gotten this far; in the end, this is all of his emotions spilling out at once, confessing to things he’d divert away from, and he’s telling it to a wiser, more capable person that is himself when he’s most vulnerable.
“I’m not you. I’m not some great leader — I’m not even capable of being one in the first place!”
Tears drip down his face as his voice chokes up on his emotions, his eyes stuck in place to watch Leonardo’s reactions, forced to see the eyes of this man — the man he never could become — softening further and further into something akin to sympathy. Yet, he feels as if he’s being pitied.
“And yet, all my brothers got was me. ”
“And that was all they needed. All who they wanted and wouldn’t ever trade you for anything else.” Leonardo cuts in sternly. His hands are placed onto Leo’s shoulders firmly as he continues looking at him, and he doesn’t dare look away. “A leader was what they could’ve had, someone who wasn’t you. Someone like me, right? That’s what you’re thinking.”
“But you’re forgetting we’re similar in things. One is our stupidity and god… I was so stupid when I was your age that I’m surprised you see me to be more capable of who I am now.” The joke doesn’t land as much as he’d expect it to, but not like he’s looking for a chuckle. He’s trying to distract himself to not cry, too.
“I didn’t get the key. The Krang overruled the world. I had to step up to be a leader I was terrified to be. I didn’t have a clue on what to do, and I was terrified and confused, yet I still pushed through to do it-“
“And that’s the thing! You still did what you had to while I continued to keep screwing up!-“
“I’m not done,” Leonardo cuts in firmly, sighing as he wraps his arm around Leo, giving him a hug that was loose, fearing that if he were to hug him tighter, he’d retreat from this conversation that they need to happen. “I went through so much shit in my time, kid. I lost a lot of stuff, many people, and I lost…” He doesn’t finish the sentence, but with a glance at Leo, seeing his eyes show his understanding despite his pity party, he continues. “It makes you toughen up in the wrong ways. You lock away the parts of you to not be hurt again by what you lost, what you went through.”
“I don’t see myself as capable as you are,” Leonardo admits honestly.
“I’m not-“
“You are. And I’m kinda getting sick of you not getting that yet, kid.” He hugs him tighter in response.
“That I can be the leader I’m supposed to be?” He lets himself be comforted, letting his forehead rest against his shoulder as he tries to keep his tears at bay. He fails at that, much to his frustration.
“Yes. Because you were more of a leader with what you’ve done. I had to choose a sacrifice that killed my motive to continue. You still had hope, and so did I. And he came to give you hope, too.”
“…You mean Casey, right?”
“Yeah… he’s a good kid.”
Leo pauses for a while, his eyes cast downwards to the floor before he speaks again. “You’re proud of him, right?”
“I am. I’m proud of you, too.” Leonardo answers, his words sincere which makes Leo go quiet once more.
“…Please, don’t say that. Don’t say that to me.”
“Why not?” He questions.
“You don’t mean it. Don’t lie to me, please,” Leo repeats, already a broken record with his words.
“I’m not lying-“
“You are!” Leo cuts him off, only contradicting his desperation to hear those words again when he hugs Leonardo tighter, his face buried in his shoulder as he sobs. “You can’t mean that. I’ve done so many things that ruined everything. I wasn’t taking anything seriously and it made things worse; it was all going wrong!”
“I do mean it, Leo. I mean every word I’m saying right now, and if I have to repeat it a million times over till I’m old… or old enough, just to get it through your dumb head,” he taps at the side of Leo’s head a few times for emphasis before hugging him back softly, “then I will.”
“I could’ve been you,” Leo whispers with grief in his tone.
“You could’ve,” Leonardo replies, sighing softly. “But you became more than who I wished to be, too.”