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Nic realized that most people might not care that they were turning 38. It wasn’t a milestone birthday, like 30 or 40, and not to mention, no one liked to be reminded they were getting older. Perhaps someone else turning 38 may dread their impending 40s.
She didn’t, though. This was the age when her mother had died, and here she was on her 38th birthday, alive and well. For that, she was extremely grateful. After all, she’d overcome two brushes with death, a miscarriage, and given birth to Gigi four years earlier and was currently deciding whether to have another baby before it would be too risky to do so. Gabbi had told her at her last gynecologist visit that she was in good health, and while she may not want to wait too much longer to try and get pregnant again if that’s what she wanted, she assured Nic she was in good physical health that would enable her to handle a pregnancy and have a safe delivery.
She wasn’t going to focus on that tonight, though. Conrad was taking her out for a birthday dinner, and Gigi was going over to Kit and Randolph’s house to spend time with Sammie. Couple time was still a rarity with a toddler, so Gigi had already given Nic a card she made in preschool and a present from her and Mr. Waffles. Conrad promised her they’d have cake after dinner at home tomorrow to keep the celebration going. He knew this birthday was special and wanted to do a little something extra.
“I never get tired of us getting to go out and have time together as adults,” Nic said to him once they were sitting down at their table. “I know we don’t do it a lot, but you always think of me and know when I need it. So thank you. I wish I could know when you felt the same, but you’re always running, so it’s hard to tell.”
“Age is just a number for me,” Conrad said. “But…tonight it’s not just a number for you. What’s going through your mind?”
“I’m thinking of Mom a lot more. You know, when she had her 38th birthday, she didn’t know that would be her last one. At the same time, none of us know when we’ll die or how it will happen. I remembered some of my past trauma and was just like…wow, I could’ve had my last birthday at 34 or 35 and you’d be on your own with Gigi. So, I don’t want to dwell on that because even just pondering it brought tears to my eyes. I’d rather express how happy I am that I’m here and we have a beautiful family and so many friends, and that Gigi has two loving grandfathers.”
“I’m happy it’s your 38th birthday too,” he told her. “For me, time goes so fast because we’re always jumping from patient to patient at work, and when we’re home, we’re focused on Gigi and pet care and everything we have to do around the house. This is going to be a deep thought, and definitely a cliche, but when she was a baby, I’d hold her and wish time would slow down or stop. That’s not possible, of course, but you know…I wanted the baby stage to last forever, in a way.”
“OK then, if we can ever make that happen, you’re going to be getting up in the middle of the night a lot more.”
“I knew you’d say something like that.”
“But no, I get what you mean,” Nic said with a smile. “Even with the wedding, we got so caught up in planning, and then COVID put everything on hold. It was so upsetting for me, even though we knew it was necessary to postpone, but I realized it gave us a chance to spend more time together and comfort each other when we needed it the most. Even if we did fight a little more often because we had nowhere to go and couldn’t hang out with other people, plus we were under stress from work.
“Still, I wouldn’t trade that time for anything. It ended up making us stronger. Of course, though, the other thing about the wedding day is that we spent so much time going around to everyone’s tables and talking to them. I was happy to see everyone and have our friends back together, but the whole time, I was secretly eager to sit at our sweetheart table and have dinner with you. Then I could relax, but also look around and soak in the atmosphere. If we’re fortunate, we get a lot of birthdays, but you usually only get one wedding day. And you only get to have one first-born baby. You have to find time to enjoy things even when you’re caught up in details or stressed out.”
“I’m not sure I’ll be a philosopher after tonight, but you’re right.” Conrad agreed. “So it sounds like your birthday is a reflection time for you?”
“Yeah, definitely. This isn’t the 18th or 19th century anymore; 38 is way too young for someone to die. The most important thing is, though, I want to live out the full year that my mom didn’t get to experience. I don’t know what one does when they’re 38, but I can’t wait to think of life differently. Time isn’t slowing down, and we can’t do anything about that, but we can control how we spend it. As morbid as it sounds, maybe we should try to live as if tomorrow is our last day.”
“I imagine you’re not thinking in the sense of skinny dipping in the ocean or going skydiving, right?” he joked. Even though they were having a somewhat serious discussion, she laughed. She was never super adventurous anyway; that was one area of life where she and Conrad were complete opposites.
“Very funny. And no. What I mean is, let’s not waste too much more time deciding if we want to have another baby. Find new things to do with Gigi and take more pictures with her. We’re so often behind our phones making sure we get the perfect shot that we don’t sit next to her while someone else takes the picture. Even when she was born, looking back, I thought maybe we were too in a rush to have everyone come to the room. If we have a second child, we should take more time to enjoy him or her by ourselves before we have visitors. Let’s face it…I think if we have another one, we’re going to call it quits after that. Not like we’re getting younger.” She shrugged and smiled at her own half-hearted attempt to amuse Conrad.
“I love the way you’re thinking about this,” he said. “I’m always on the run. Slowing down hasn’t even been in my vocabulary; it didn’t even occur to me after Gigi was born. I was just so happy she was here that I couldn’t wait to show her off.”
“Don’t worry about that now; it didn’t bother me at the time. But you live and learn.”
“You’re not afraid or sad at all about your birthday?”
“Not in the least.”
The next morning, Nic was in Gigi’s room helping her pick out an outfit. It was their usual morning routine now that Gigi was getting older and wanted a say in what she’d be wearing each day. She also liked to have Nic do her hair, often choosing to keep it down with a headband or having pigtail braids.
“Mommy, why do you keep looking at me funny?” Gigi asked.
“I’m looking at you funny?” Nic asked her back. “What do you mean? I know when I’m making a silly face at you.”
“No, but you keep stopping to stare at me. I can mostly get dressed by myself now.”
“I know. But I want to make memories so one day, we can share stories about all the nice things we did together and what you were like at this age. You’re getting to be a big girl, and you’re going to be in school next year. It’s not that I’ll forget what you look like, but more that we won’t be spending as much time together during the day. Besides, you’ll always be my first baby, even though you won’t be little forever.”
“You’re not sad, right? Because you said we’d have cake later for your birthday. I told Daddy we should have chocolate because it’s your favorite.”
“It is. I’m glad you remembered.”
Gigi gave Nic a hug. “Happy birthday again. I love you.”
“Thank you, sweetie. I love you too.”
That night, over dessert, Conrad was the one who stood behind the phone so he could take a picture of Nic and Gigi before they dug into their chocolate cake and ice cream. Then, he stood next to them and held out his phone, fitting all three of them in the frame for a celebratory selfie. They had their birthday hats on, and she noticed that Gigi had a little bit of a chocolate cake on her face. Normally, Nic would make sure that her daughter looked presentable for any family photos or be tempted to edit out any flaws before posting the pictures, but this time, the little smudge didn’t even have an affect on her. It really didn’t make the picture worse, and what mattered is that they were all together.
That was the mindset she needed to make her 38th year her best one yet.