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At first there weren’t any signs. Or so thought Ratio. Of course, nobody talks about things like this, why would Aventurine? It’s not like Ratio wants to pry either, he has nothing to do with this. But it somehow...irked him.
Ratio always knew how self-destructive Aventurine could be. He drank a lot of alcohol and somehow trouble always found him. He never found good friends.
Ah, Aventurine and his friends. Ratio was now fully committed to the hypothesis that Aventurine in fact, did not know what friends were. A friend loves you and doesn’t want to harm you. A friend is always there for you, not just when it’s convenient. A friend doesn’t beat you, rape you or abuse you.
Having troublesome “friends” is okay. Drinking a lake worth of amount is okay. Not sleeping enough is okay. These were all passive activities that did not necessarily brought harm to Aventurine.
But this.
Ratio didn’t know what to feel. He gripped the small metal box so tight, it became noticeably smaller. He was...flabbergasted. That’s the right word. To think his roommate was doing this for god knows how long and he didn’t notice anything.
Ratio wasn’t angry. He was furious. What was this idiot thinking? He closed his eyes and took deep breaths. In the past few minutes, he went through the five stages of grief.
A lot of things made sense now.
Why Aventurine had to borrow the first aid kit so often, why he wore long sleeves even if it was way too hot for them, why he avoided anyone to come to contact with his arms...It all made sense.
Ratio took a deep breath again, but he was so angry, he slapped himself. And again. And again. It was rare for him to get this worked up over something, but oh boy, when he, was it wasn’t a pretty sight.
He didn’t know whom he was this angry at, Aventurine, himself, the people who made Aventurine do this..?
But then he chuckled darkly.
Aventurine was hurting. Deep down, he knew, Aventurine often felt miserable, when he called him “for no reason”, when he was standing in the doorway of his room with a blanket tightly wrapped around him, saying he can’t sleep, when he texted him, drunk as a sailor saying all that nonsense about death and that he feels like he’d better off death...
He knew it all along.
If something were to happen to Aventurine, it’d be his fault.
Ratio knew Aventurine didn’t have a family and don’t even start with his “friends”. As far as Ratio’s aware...he’s the only one Aventurine has. And not even he cared about the sigonian.
Ratio stood in Aventurine’s room, staring blankly at the bare walls. His room was a mess. Ratio felt like his heart broke into little pieces with every regretful passing second. Why didn’t he notice it earlier?
He sat down onto his bed, contemplating about life and death. Ratio didn’t know how suicidal his roommate was. He knew there were two types of depression: passive and active. Passive is when you lose interest in almost everything and often think about death and how would it be if you were dead. Active is fairly the same, the only exception is that you make plans about killing yourself.
A major sign is when someone becomes overly generous out of the blue and they give away all their dear belongings to other people, friends, family et cetera, et cetera.
Aventurine was always a generous and kind person despite not owning much, but Ratio hasn’t noticed any drastic change in that. He furrowed his brows. What else, what else? Ratio wasn’t interested in psychology but he read a few books about mental health once...
The second sign should be when someone takes unnecessary and dangerous risks such as speeding in the highway or taking purposefully too much medicine. Aventurine was always a ‘thrill seeker’, as he called it and he liked to gamble so Ratio didn’t think much about it. But now it...made perfect sense.
The third sign is drastic changes in someone’s appetite or sleep. The appetite shouldn’t change much since they have breakfast and dinner together, Ratio made sure the other ate at least two meals a day. But as for the sleep...He often found Aventurine still awake in ungodly hours, studying, listening to music or the scariest, when he’s just staring into space. He always said he has assignments and examns or he drank coffee in the evening.
God, he’s such an idiot.
Ratio wanted to smack his face into concrete.
-
“I’m home.” Aventurine said it in a quiet but cheery voice. He was carrying three nylon bags and his backpack. “Ugh, guess what, I went to three stores and none of them had butter. How the hell is there no butter in three stores? Just like ‘Tin said, ragnarök is coming.”
Not even home for a minute and nonsense is already coming out of his mouth like he was getting paid for it.
Ratio was sitting at the kitchen table, shoulders tense, expression cold. Ratio's hold tightened on his book as he realized Aventurine was yet again wearing an oversized hoodie, the sleeve being well over his fingertips. The latter paid no mind to it though, he was used to Ratio being grumpy. He must’ve encountered a particularly moronic idiot throughout the day.
“Aw, not even a hello? I’m hurt.” Aventurine looked at Ratio back as he was packing the groceries into the fridge.
“We need to talk.” Ratio wasn’t the type to beat around the bush. His voice was cold and distant, and it left no space for argument. Though this sentence would make most people uneasy, if Aventurine became anxious he was very good at hiding it.
“Sure. I’ll just pack away these. One sec.” He was humming a quiet melody which was unfamiliar to Ratio. Aventurine liked to hum, he knew that well. He was humming in the shower, when he was cleaning or when he took a walk. Ratio wasn’t sure if the other realized it, but it was kind of...cute.
“Sooo, what is it that you’d like to discuss Ver?” Aventurine supported his head with his hand, the sleeve of his green hoodie covered half of his fingers. Ratio squinted his at the gesture. He tilted his head a little, smiling cheerfully. Upon seeing that smile, Ratio almost forgot why he initiated this conversation at all. It was so hard to imagine that behind this cheerful smile is actually someone way darker.
Ratio wondered how many people he passed by in the streets who struggled exactly like Aventurine. Right, when someone kills themselves, their family and friends always say ‘Oh, he was such a joyful thing, I can’t even imagine why he did this’ or ‘I had no idea she was going through all of this, such a terrible thing...’ It’s not like if someone is dealing with suicidal thoughts they will talk about it. At least in most cases.
“I want to see your arms.” Aventurine’s expression changed for that of confusion.
“What?” He was no longer leaning against the table, instead he began to fidget with his sleeves. Gotcha.
“Did you not hear me? Let me see your hands.”
“Why?” Aventurine became defensive, his body language suggested that he closed himself.
Ratio sighed and pulled out the little metal box from his pocket and slid it in front of Aventurine. Aventurine froze and just stared at the box. He slowly lifted his gaze which was cold and anxious.
“Familiar?”
“What is this?” Ratio sighed and leaned in closer.
“I think you know what this is.” Ratio sucked in his breath and with a more painful voice he let out his thoughts. “Aventurine. How long have you been doing this?” Aventurine’s eyes widened impossibly big, full of fear. He quickly stood up, snatched the box from the table and hurried to his room.
“Aventurine!” Ratio stood up with such force that the chair behind him fell to the ground with a loud thud. He grabbed Aventurine’s upper arm, careful not to grab too harshly. Aventurine tried to shake his iron grip off but it was in vein. “Ven, please, look at me.” Aventurine sucked in his breath and slowly turned away, tears already in the corners of his eyes.
“What is there to talk about? This is my problem, this doesn’t concern you at all. Leave yourself out of this, Ratio.” His voice was cold as hard like when you want to shatter thick ice with a hammer. “Let me go.”
“No.” Ratio inched closer, his hold gradually softening. He slowly tilted the blonde’s head by his chin. His heart broke when he was met with those beautiful teary eyes yet again.
He was so pretty when he cried.
“Hey. It’s okay. You...don’t have to talk about this now. But promise me you will. Please.” It was so out of character for him to say please or comfort someone. Ratio knew he sucked at comforting, he felt awkward and didn’t know what to say to make it better. Alright, he needs to borrow a book from the library about it.
Aventurine’s labored breathing hitched and more tears streamed down his face. He sucked in his breath and looked at Ratio. He was...smiling. A wide and bright smile, tears staining his face, not a single spark in those beautiful eyes.
“I’m fine.” His voice cracked in the middle of the sentence. It was the most painful thing Ratio ever heard. Aventurine’s smile softened and he wiped his eyes with his sleeves. Ratio froze. “C’mon, it’s no big deal. Though I appreciate the worry, trust me it’s nothing I can’t deal with. I’m fi-”
“Cut the act already!” Ratio snapped with a loud yell. Aventurine flinched. “Please. Talk to me Ven. I hurts to see you like this. To see you lying on the couch while your life being sucked away by a cigarette, to see you staring into space blankly, to see you smiling through your tears...Please. I’m begging you.” Aventurine become really quiet. He looked down and stilled. They stayed like this for a few minutes before the smaller moved. He breathed in deeply and looked up.
“But it hurts.” He whispered, his voice cracking with crying. He sniffed loudly. “I-it hurts so much, Veritas. Every day, it hurts. I-I think about death before sleeping every night, I...I don’t think I can hold on much longer.” He whispered the last sentence, pain radiating from his voice.
“Every day, I think about t-them. I miss them so much, I just can’t comprehend that they are gone. They don’t exist anymore, that’s it. I-I want to go with them. I don’t want to suffer anymore. I just wan to sleep.”
It was incredibly painful to listen to Aventurine. Every passing second, it was pure agony to listen to this. To think the other was feeling this way for so long, yet Ratio did nothing. He let the other down.
Ratio could gradually imagine Aventurine laying on his side, crying, silently screaming and nobody’s there for him. Something uncomfortable cruled in his stomach.
“Ver...I-I think I want to die.”
Ratio hugged Aventurine tighter. Even the thought of Aventurine dying made him nauseous. He couldn’t imagine living without the joyful chirps and flirty teases of the other. He couldn’t imagine living without the sight of a sleepy Aventurine in the morning with his messy strands and his favorite shawl draped over his small shoulders, the seeping light giving his golden hair a halo.
He couldn’t imagine going home into a quiet apartment. He couldn’t imagine living like this.
“Please don’t. Aventurine, please don’t...please don’t do anything.” It was so hard to say, Ratio never would’ve imagined he’d say these words. “Think about all the people who love you, there’s Topaz, Caelus and Stelle then Robin and Sunday and...me. I understand that it’s hard and I want to help. I want you to live a life that you consider worth living.”
Ratio was never an affectionate person, but somehow it came naturally in this situation. He let Aventurine soak his sweater, even though it was his favorite. Ratio caressed the blonde hair softly, hugging him impossibly tight.
He Aventurine till he passed out. He didn’t want to carry the other, he know how much of a light sleeper he was. Ratio grabbed a blanket and tucked Aventurine tightly into it – he also knew how easily he got cold.
Ratio looked at Aventurine’s tortured figure. Tears strained his ghostly pale face, his ethereal golden hair that somehow lost its former glow...He was looking at a tortured soul who just wanted peace and quiet. Ratio wanted to shield Aventurine from all the bad things in the world. He wanted Aventurine to never leave his side so that nothing can hurt him.
Ratio wiped the skin below his eyes with his thumb – the delicate skin was still a little wet with tears. They will need to talk about this tomorrow and the day after and the day after. But for now, they held each other, and it was enough.