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Zeb started heading to the gangplank before they had even fully landed. “Hot date?” Sabine asked as he passed.
He paused for a moment, debating if he should ignore her and just go on. His curiosity stopped him. “What?”
She smirked, leaning against the doorframe to the galley. “Just sayin’ you seem to be runnin’ out of here like your fur’s on fire. Meeting someone special?”
This was a trap, this had to be a trap. But Zeb couldn’t quite see how. “I just was gonna go check in with Kallus,” he said, “We’ve gotten into like a little ritual thing when I get back from a mission to get some lunch.”
“Hmm,” Sabine said, “Sounds like a date to me.”
Ah. There’s the trap. “We’re just friends,” Zeb said, but didn’t fully believe it.
She hummed, walking around him. “Well then. Guess you better rush then.”
He turned and saw the door had already opened. Zeb scowled at her. She had just been stalling him. He scowled and jumped out, heading for Kallus’ office.
Nine times out of ten, ex-ISB agent Kallus was in his office. He was a workaholic, he said due to how he was expected to work in the empire. Now the rebellion highly valued him for that, because he got an amazing amount of output, analyzing imperial data logs and decrypting codes, and with the vastness of the empire there was no shortage of work to do. However, he had been ordered on multiple occasions to leave his desk because he had forgotten to eat or sleep, or on one memorable occasion, bathe.
Zeb had taken it as his personal duty to help pull him away before he reached critical. Thus they weren’t surprised when they saw Zeb entering the intelligence office. “Zeb! You’re back!” Loz, one of Kallus’ colleagues smiled at him, “Kallus was getting worried. Andor had to take over for you to make sure he took breaks. He should be in his quarters right now.”
Zeb smirked and raised his hand, “Thanks Loz, see ya.”
So, Kallus had other people looking out for him. That was good, Zeb told himself. Kallus had mentioned Andor before, another spy. Kallus respected him. Maybe that meant they were friends now. That was also good, Kallus needed more friends.
He felt like he was cycling around in his mind, waiting for his body to catch up with his brain that this was good and find and its all fine and….
And he wasn’t thinking. If he was thinking, he’d knock or call out or do something but instead as he arrived at Kallus’ quarters, he just opened the door.
He was not prepared for what was on the other side.
Kallus was in his bed with his sheets down around his waist, his chest bare (the chest Zeb had seen once before for a mission) and standing off to the side was Cassian Andor, clearly putting his clothing back on.
The pair of them looked up at them, all three freezing as they absorbed what exactly was going on.
Kallus broke first, sitting up, “Garazeb!” he cried out and half fell out of bed trying to get up and keep himself covered with the sheet (because he was clearly not covered by anything else) at the same time.
His words hit Zeb’s ears at the same time the smell of what they were CLEARLY doing in there hit his nose, and it jogged something loose in Zeb’s brain as he went on survival instincts.
He ran.
He wasn’t sure if he had a location in mind but he ended up down at the mess hall. Maybe because he thought that was where he’d be taking Kallus to so it was just in his mind, maybe he just needed food.
Well, when on Coruscant.
He made his way to the line, looking to get food, and tried to process what he’d seen.
Kallus and Andor. Kallus and Andor?! Kallus was…but Andor was…and then Zeb…
Ok, clearly processing this wasn’t really working. He was upset, but if he started to think about why he was going to spiral until he shut down. So, instead, he shut it all down deep and far away.
Kallus arrived in the mess hall as Zeb got his food and looked for a place to sit. He met his eyes across the room. Kallus was never sloppy, never unkempt. Sure, his hair had been growing out, but he still kept it neat. Now it was definitely strewn, buttons were undone and not everything was prim like usual. Every bit of it was just a reminder of how Zeb had found him.
Zeb broke the eye contact to walk for the door. He’d eat his food on the Ghost, it was just easier.
It was also predictable and Kallus cut him off easily, “Hey, uh, Zeb.” Kallus said. Zeb came to a stop. He still smelled like… “Look, look I’m sorry,” he said, “That…Sorry you had to see that I just. I wasn’t…I mean, I get it’s embarrassing, but…” Kallus looked sheepish. That was the only way to describe it. “But…I hope…everything is fine?”
Zeb stared him down. Kallus slumped in his shoulders looking up at him. Zeb felt…mean. He knew he was hurting Kallus. But he wanted to, a sick part of him wanted Kallus to feel awful and guilty about what he’d done. As awful as Zeb felt right now.
“‘S fine,” Zeb said, keeping his voice neutral, “Do whatever you want, Kallus. I don’t care.”
Zeb pushed past him to continue his way to the Ghost. He didn’t dare look back at Kallus.
Avoiding Kallus should really have been easier. Kallus was lucky if he saw fresh air once a week or so, and it wasn’t just his attitude. Draven pushed him hard. Sure, Kallus had briefed everyone about Empire protocols and codes but it couldn’t replace his first hand knowledge.
But now, Kallus was suddenly near everywhere Zeb was. If Zeb was in the mess hall, he was there, if he in a mission briefing, he was suddenly invited, if Zeb was just walking through the halls Kallus just happened to pass by.
Zeb kept his answers curt whenever Kallus started conversation. Every time, Kallus looked crushed, and Zeb felt like the worst monster in the galaxy. How the hell did a former imperial somehow look exactly like a starved Lothkitten?
But Zeb still couldn’t process this, couldn’t face it. Because if he did it, if he really looked inside, he was worried about what he’d find.
Unfortunately his friends were extremely nosy and wouldn’t allow him to just isolate and wallow forever. “Hey, Zeb,” Hera said, “Come take a walk with me.”
“I’m busy,” Zeb said, plugging and unplugging wires. He was not, but Hera didn’t need to know that.
“It wasn’t a request,” Hera said, and headed for the gang plank.
Zeb sighed and followed her.
The good news about walking with Hera was he could take one step for every two of hers. Still, she was speedy. “You know what stinks about having two jedi on your ship?” Hera asked, “You can’t keep secrets. Ever.”
Zeb groans at her, “It ain’t that big a deal,” he said, “Just let me be and I’ll get over it.”
“You might,” Hera said, “Or you’ll sulk more. I need everyone on their A-game, Zeb.”
“This ain’t gonna affect my work,” Zeb said, stopping short, “Rebellion comes first, we all know that.”
Hera stopped as well, and actually looked a little off. “No. I know. I shouldn’t have questioned that.” She tilted her head to try and push them both on, “But we’re more than a rebel sect, Zeb. We’re friends, family even. And you’re upset.” Zeb growled, more too himself than at her. “If you can’t talk to us, who can you?”
Zeb thought. The only person other than the crew he’d consider talking to was Kallus. And he clearly couldn’t do that. He sighed. “I can’t talk about it.”
“Why not?” Hera asked.
“Because,” he sighed, “Because it doesn’t matter.”
“Why?” Hera grilled harder.
“Because he’s already with….” He physically bit his tongue as he realized what he was going to say, but it was too late, the thought had finally formed, “Because he’s already with someone else.”
“Kallus?” Hera asked. Zeb looked up at her, panicked, “Sweetheart, the only person who doesn’t really know is Kallus himself.”
Zeb’s ears went down. He felt more naked than if he’d been stripped in front of the whole senate. He hadn’t even admitted it to himself, not really, but there was no avoiding it: He had feelings for Kallus.
“I don’t…” Zeb started, not sure what he was going to say, “It feels…weird.”
“It is weird,” Hera said, “Look, Zeb…there’s a lot of history there. Kanan and I…well, maybe I shouldn’t be saying this,” She took a breath, “When I saw how friendly you two were getting after Atollon, I called Kanan on Mandalore asking how I should warn you away from him. I mean, he’s Kallus. We went up against him a number of times, and he was cruel.”
“He’s proven himself time and again,” Zeb said, sharper than he meant. Hera smiled at him and he realized he needed to hear that too.
“He has,” Hera said, “Which is what Kanan told me. He said that a friendship with you would be good for Kallus. And maybe that being friends with Kallus would be good for you.” Zeb raised an eyebrow at her. “You carry way too much guilt for what happened to Lasan.”
Zeb felt the air come out of him, “I don’t–Ever since Lira San, I haven’t–”
“You have, and you know it,” Hera said, “But if you can forgive Kallus? I think you can forgive yourself too. And maybe you can both move on.”
Zeb looked to the floor, considering. He had…felt lighter lately. The pain of Lasan was always going to sit with him, it had its own place in his chest. But Hera was right, he didn’t dwell on it as much anymore. And Kallus… “It’s…good. He’s good. I mean he…he’s passionate. He really believed in the Empire, thought it was for the good of people, not like Pryce or Thrawn who just want power and whatever. I’m glad to have him as a friend.”
“And…more?” Hera asked. Zeb bit his tongue. “It’s ok, you know.”
“I know,” he said. He did not, “It still…I know he’s really trying to make up for it, and I HAVE forgiven him, really. More than he has himself. But I. Every time I think about it, I just feel like…what would my family think of me?” He shrugs, “Whatever, like I said, doesn’t matter anymore.”
Hera squeezes his arm as they walk, “Just…hold off on that. No matter how he feels, your feelings do matter. They matter to me, for one.” Zeb smirked. “Look, I didn’t know your family. But I know that no matter how you live your life, no matter how much love you give…It doesn’t make your love for them any less.” She squeezes him again, “Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting.”
Zeb sighed, and even if he hated to admit it, he felt a bit better talking to her. He wasn’t sure if he really believed it, but now he could put a label on the feelings, and maybe they were a bit less scary.
“Now who’s this ‘someone else’ Kallus is supposedly with?” Hera asked.
Zeb instantly soured. Images of Kallus in bed flashed through his mind, “Ah. Andor.”
“Cassian?” Hera asked, screwing up her face.
“Yeah,” Zeb said, “Caught ‘em together.” He realized he was growling.
“Did he SAY they were together?” Hera asked.
“What does that matter?” Zeb demanded.
Hera shrugged, “I dunno. Ask him yourself.”
Zeb was about to ask what she meant when he realized where she had lead him. They were right out front of the Intelligence office. And as he looked up, he met Kallus eyes.
He froze again. He was so ready to run again, but Hera’s hand on his arm grounded him, just enough. “Just…talk to him. For me? If it goes bad I’ll make you meiloorun stew myself.”
“Start cooking,” Zeb muttered. She shook her head and headed out.
Zeb waited until Kallus came and caught up with him, nearly tripping over himself to get in front of him. “Hi,” Kallus said, looking at him with those big gold eyes. “Can we…can we talk?”
Zeb sighed. “Yeah. Yeah, uh…” He looked over to the intelligence desk. Loz ducked her head, clearly trying to not show she was watching them. “Can it be in private?”
“I think that’s best, yes,” Kallus said. He nodded his head over to an empty meeting room. Zeb nodded in turn and they headed in, closing the door behind them. “So. I want you to know first of all, I value you deeply as a friend,” Kallus looked at his hands, like he had rehearsed this, “Which is why it pains me to say you haven’t been treating me fairly.”
“Yeah, ‘spose I haven’t,” Zeb said, rubbing the back of his head, “I’m sorry.”
Kallus looked up, clearly not expecting that response. “Ah,” he said, mouth forming words that didn’t make it out of his throat, “Well. I understand you have every reason to dislike me,” he said, clearly continuing on with his speech, “but…but you’ve looked past that, for which I can never repay you. I have done my best to atone for my past actions, though I know I will never make up for it all.”
“You don’t have to,” Zeb decided to interrupt, “It isn’t about making up for the past, it’s about doing your best.”
“Right,” Kallus said, thrown off once again, “That’s. That’s right. I mean,” He sighed trying to collect himself, “I…maybe I don’t deserve to be happy, but I–”
“Of course you deserve to be happy, Kallus,” Zeb said.
Kallus fully got frustrated and scowled at me, “Why were you so mad, then?”
“What?” Zeb asked. Now he was lost. “Kal, did you…” He started stringing things together in his head, “Did you think I was upset because I didn’t want you to be happy?”
“Of course,” Kallus said, “I mean, like I said, you’d have every right to think that.”
“No I wouldn’t,” Zeb said, and he reached to take his arm but he wasn’t sure if he should, “Kal…I’m not going to lie to you and say the things you’ve done weren’t so bad. I’m not going to say that just…being on the right side now magically makes up for it. But as long as it's not hurting anyone…everyone deserves to be happy Kal. And that means you too.”
Kallus’ eyes literally teared up. “I–thank you. Garazeb.” Something warmed in Zeb’s heart.
Zeb swallowed, “If…if Andor’s what makes you happy–”
“It’s not,” Kallus stopped him, “He’s…we’re not…” Kallus shook his head, “I was…very anxious when the Ghost didn’t check in on its scheduled time. And I know…I know things happen, but I couldn’t get it out of my head and…Cassian…volunteered to help take my mind off things.” He swallowed, and looked at his feet. “Wait,” he frowned, looking back to Zeb, “Why were you upset, then?”
Zeb sighed, realizing he was on the chopping block. He had only barely admitted this to himself, how could he admit it to Kallus? But he owed Kallus the truth after the week of ignoring him. “I….I was jealous,” he said, and dropped his head.
Kallus was silent for a long moment, and Zeb worried he’d lost him. He peeked up, to see Kallus staring blankly. “You…” he said, “You like…Andor?”
“Wha? No!” Zeb said, “You, ya kriffin’ idiot!” He said it, out loud. He hadn’t even done that with Hera. “I…I wanna be with you.”
Kallus still stared blankly. He blinked a couple times, like that would clear up what he was looking at. “No you don’t.”
Zeb wasn’t sure he’d heard right. But he went over his memory, and yeah, that’s what Kallus had said, “Wha–yeah, I do!”
“No, you don’t,” Kallus responded just as firmly, “You…you can’t be.”
“I think you’ll find I very much can,” Zeb said, crossing his arms.
“I tried to kill you,” Kallus said, “Multiple…multiple times.”
“Yeah, I got over it,” Zeb said.
“I helped commit genocide,” Kallus said, “Against YOUR people!”
Zeb took a deep breath. “Kal. I told you. I’m not saying it’s alright, or that anything can ever change what happened. But…you’re honest. You’re trying. That’s what matters to me.”
Kallus mouth fell open, “I’m…I’m a workaholic. I don’t make friends and I don’t go out. I’m just a fully disagreeable person and I can’t even properly take care of myself, and you…you’re far too good for me.”
“Holy Ashla,” Zeb said, shaking his head at the barrage of reasons he shouldn’t feel how he does and leaned in to kiss him.
Zeb backed away a moment after his lips made contact. He hadn’t really meant to do that, he was just so frustrated, and Kallus kept talking bad about himself and…he just…wanted to. “Sorry,” he said.
Kallus swallowed. “Can you do it again?”
Zeb’s smile twitched. He leaned in again, a hand reaching up on instinct to cup the back of Kallus head.
This time, Kallus responded, melting his body up against Zeb’s. Zeb inhaled, taking in the scent of Kallus here in his arms. Kallus grabbed onto him, clutching his arms, and Zeb felt Kallus’ tongue in his mouth.
Zeb could feel his fur rub against Kallus’ cheek as he gently pulled away. Kallus looked drunk as he slowly opened his eyes. “Believe me now?” Zeb asked.
Kallus blinked a couple of times, breathing heavily even though Zeb knew the man exercised enough he was rarely out of breath. “Not quite,” he said, “Leading theory is I was severely injured recently and this is all a bacta induced hallucination.”
Zeb snorted and nudged him for another soft kiss. Kallus was pulling him back into something much dirtier. “Quarters?” Zeb asked.
Kallus shuddered, “Quarters,” and they headed off.