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Tom was ready, he was so ready for this.
It was just like starting a new shift, and the cop inside of him didn’t let him do things by halves. This free day had been asked weeks in advance in order to properly execute the planned strategy, the table had been booked the moment Disventure Camp All-Stars had ended in case of a grumpy health inspector or a nuclear explosion – he had gone pretty mental over it, yes. Heck, even his clothes had been thought over, AKA he had asked for help through Gabs’ powerful girlfriend puppy eyes from the only person he knew that was going to fashion design school – awkward didn’t even scratch the surface of what had happened there.
Now, he was here. Sitting at his favorite Chinese restaurant, on a table for two, with a suit he had bought for this specific occasion. His hair was done – bless you mom –, his mental state was alright – bless you friends –, and he was on its way to make this the best first date ever, confidently.
For sure. Totally. Absolutely. Yeah…
… alright, the jig was up. In reality, he was a pathetic nervous wreck, he forgot to bring tissues, there was a label on the back of his head that was itching like crazy, and he was early.
Tom wasn’t ready, he didn’t feel ready, and it was eating him alive.
“Sir?” Great, the waiter was back. He was young and new, Tom had gone to this joint for years and he had never seen him. Obviously, it was Tom’s fault for being this early, but it felt like this guy was checking on him at very close intervals. “Can I start you with something?” Said kid had dropped the ‘may I’ after coming around the table for the fourth time.
This was already making the mood less than ideal, and Tom didn’t want to think of the current state of his used-to-be spotless white dress shirt underneath the black jacket – hopefully he was smelling some exotic fish and not his armpits right now. Ideally, he didn’t want to be a bother for his favorite restaurant, and he could have ordered a starter or something just to kill the time and not look like a fool – too late for that but still. Unfortunately, each time the thought crossed his mind, he imagined Jake arriving at the specific moment of him gobbling on salad.
Being rude towards the best Chinese place ever or towards the only person he had ever felt something for in his entire life? An easy answer to that, unfortunately. He was trying to look like a somewhat papabile boyfriend here, after all.
Tom scratched the back of his head, the label still bothering him beyond limits.
“Uhm, I think I’m gonna wait a little bit longer.” Tom had seen thugs in jail looking at him better than how this waiter was doing. “I’m just, huh, I’m still waiting for my-”
“If you’ve been stood up, you can just say it.”
“Excuse-me?” Oh no, the waiter was dead serious. Tom swallowed, the sweating doubling, his fists tight under the table. “No, he’s… I’m just early.” And time was infuriatingly slow. Fantastic.
The waiter hummed, clearly not convinced, writing something on his notebook.
“Whatever you say, sir. You reserved the table, and you can do as you please, but I hope you’re not wasting everyone’s time with this little act of yours.” This guy was cheeky for someone looking like a university student. Definitely a newbie, the staff was even too polite here. “Not like I get paid over how many people eat, and it looks like it will be one here.” He smirked, then he left.
Well now, that wasn’t great for his current anxiety. Like Tom wasn’t fretting already over the simple fact that he was a man touching his thirties and this was the very first time he had ever gone on a date, basically a joke on in itself. It had to be common knowledge between the people that knew him, it was written all over his face, and it was probably the reason the waiter seemed so skeptical at the idea that this was actually a date with a guy – hopefully…
That guy was wrong, of course. This was happening. Jake had been so excited for this at the phone, they had texted about it almost every day, one time they both had fallen asleep on the call thinking about it and Tom had never slept better. Jake wasn’t going to bail on him, there was no way, Tom was simply too early and that was all there was to it.
It was a simple rational explanation.
Which, of course, just made his stress scream louder in his head that he was an idiot and delusional and looking ready for a funeral dressed like this – again wrong, he trusted Ellie… on this, at least. If there was an off button to self-doubt, Tom hadn’t found it yet.
Not in a long time. He had a button for emotional support now, though. With shaky fingers he picked up his phone and went over the personal chats.
He was right, because of course Aiden was right. Tom wished that was enough to calm him down, he wished he could take that advice in, toughen up and then move on with the rest of the night. Maybe he was naturally weak, and that was why being a spy was never going to work out. Maybe he was too sensible and wasn’t that a whole joke given his size.
… oh, right, the thing about being early? Yeah, it was something like a couple of hours.
Tom had genuinely pondered his possibilities, he could have totally gotten up and gone to the bar on the other side of the road, just to feel less put on the spot and without a head start of his hair smelling like cabbage. He wasn’t quite sure himself while he was torturing his own soul like this, something on the line of feeling like he deserved this kind of punishment in general, and not wanting to be furtherly judged by the staff when he was going to inevitably come back.
Today Tom just didn’t want to look bad, he couldn’t bear making the usual fool of himself. Maybe he was being prideful for no reason. Maybe he wanted to feel a little bit confident for Jake.
Mission failed.
“Sir?” Tom genuinely slipped off his chair, managing to stay up only out of reflexes. Somehow the waiter looked more pissed this time around. Did another half an hour pass? “Listen, my manager told me that it’s fine, but I don’t think you should keep hanging around longer since clearly no one’s coming.” He actually picked the soy sauce from Tom’s table. “I hope you take the hint and leave of your own volition, this shift sucks even without this inconvenience.”
That felt very unnecessary and unpleasant. Then again Tom was already spending a pretty unnecessary and unpleasant hour, so perhaps that was simply his destiny for the night. Not exactly what he had hoped for after the finale of Disventure Camp All-Stars.
This last season had left him physically, emotionally and psychologically exhausted, and perhaps he was a hypocrite at saying that it had been his favorite so far. Because he met some very precious friends. Because he got there more confident in his life and his looks. Because he got to see Jake again, despite his reluctance, despite having to make up for missing out on two years of what they could have done together. Two years of fear and heartbreak and hating himself… a lot. Turning into a person Tom wouldn’t have introduced to his worst enemy, let alone Miriam and Jake.
Talking had always seemed like a recipe for disaster for the two of them, and it was. It took a while to understand that they weren’t the same fragile and smitten people as before. They were growing, making similar mistakes as before but being way more aware of such consequences. They both had fears and baggage. They couldn’t move on from each other. They both didn’t want to.
Tom had left a silly boy behind during his first season, and after coming third at the finale, he had asked out a goofy man, getting the most enthusiastic hug in response.
He hadn’t won a thing at the end… except he had won everything.
Tom exhaled a smile, eyes wondering randomly from his chopsticks, to his glass, to his phone, to find some kind of distraction from this uneasy waiting. The other tables, the beautiful tapestry, the carpet, the door. It opened, the bell of the restaurant rang.
Diversion had been successfully deployed.
It was a bit ridiculous to be honest, Tom had undertaken a full makeover in order to feel even a little decent in order to present himself tonight. He got his usually ruined hair under control, he was wearing something vaguely classic yet enough to make him uncomfortable, and while Gabs was a sweetheart the way she had sprayed perfume right into his face made him wonder if he had cleaned himself enough in the shower. Even with all those details, he knew that there was no hiding a roughed-up cop under the pretense of a charming guy.
Then there was Jake, who looked devastatingly handsome with just his hair down, a loose evergreen dress shirt over white pants and a nice silver necklace. Absurd really, but hey, Tom had resigned at not being surprised by this guy anymore. In the better and the worse, Jake had shaken his life completely. It had simply taken some time to realize the importance of the best over the rest.
His date didn’t wait at the entrance, he actually walked to the table like he knew exactly where it was. That should had given him some suspicions, but then again Tom’s brain wasn’t working right now, able to elaborate only words like ‘gorgeous’ and ‘heart’ and ‘wow’.
Only when Jake crossed his eyes and smiled, he remembered how to talk.
“H-Hi Jake.” Not how to talk smoothly, though. He was already cringing inside, but he tried to hide it, standing up and pull the other chair back for Jake to sit. “How are ya?” Ya? Ya??
“Hey Tom! All good thanks, sorry for the late!” Jake sat, not quite looking at him. “You were right, this place is really nice!” He took the seat in front of him, looking around at the beautiful traditional decorations. “I got so used to takeout that I forgot how nice it is to just sit in a beautiful restaurant.” He noticed a golden cat moving its paw and cooed a little.
It took a consistent moment to recover from that too.
Maybe Tom was getting a bit much, considering how this was supposed to be a brand-new page of their relationship. They had talked about it, several times now, at camp and outside, only to realize that all it mattered was what they wanted for each other from then on and how serious they were about it. Jake wanted Tom’s sincerity, Tom wanted Jake’s trust. With those bases they had decided to start over again, not to wipe away the past but to relearn how to love back to square one. Which should have been a way to relieve the stress of a past relationship.
It did not. In the slightest.
It only meant that everything was so much more delicate.
Thinking of losing the chance again, it made his heart bounce all the way to his head. As Tom realized just how loud it was, it hit him that his eyes were locked on the towel for whatever reason, and Jake was looking at him with worried eyes. Oh no, how long had Tom been quiet?
“Yeah, that’s… yeah.” He swallowed, his throat was so dry he almost coughed. The thought of practicing conversations at the mirror did cross his mind before and he had called himself pathetic over it, but now his brain was blank. “So… how do you like the place?” His desire to bump his head against a wall right now was absolutely unparalleled. Only equal to his wish to get down on his knees and hide under the table, hoping to magically be able to escape this uncomfortable moment he had created for himself.
Jake blinked, a confused smile on his face. This was obviously karma. It was now Tom’s time to behave uncomfortably, and he was starting to think Jake had been tame in comparison.
“It’s nice? Like I said?” Jake laughed nervously, and it kinda killed Tom inside. “You look a bit weird today, are you okay? Drink some water and take a breath, I’m going to wash my hands real quick.” He touched his shoulder before getting up and getting away.
Tom didn’t see a second date in their future as of now.
He sighed, grabbing a chopstick and making it spin in his hand. He wasn’t going to give up on it, of course, but he didn’t even know how to break the ice. It was ridiculous, sure their past relationship had been rocky, but at times it used to be even too easy being comfortable with each other. They had talked for hours, they had cuddled in the same bed, they had gone through a whole zombie apocalypse for crying out loud – cutting someone’s arm together had to mean something, right?
A date was a first, though. A date outside Disventure Camp too, almost as that made it more real. Perhaps that was it, like saying something out loud that made it actually valid.
Tom was scared of doing that… but he wanted that, at the same time. He want it to be true.
“Are you kidding me?” At the sixth time, the waiter stopped being as much of a surprise, even though he was showcasing double the scowl in comparison with before. “How many hours does it take for you to take the hint? No one is coming, get over it and go!”
Granted that it had indeed been an hour… an hour? Thinking about it now, Jake was actually early as well, not even close at being late. Tom had been too caught up to even notice that.
Maybe Jake had seen him outside? Who knew? And why was the waiter still staring?
“I apologize for my manners, but we’ll be ordering soon.”
“Now you’re seriously pissing me off, I’m calling the staff.”
“What? No, no, my date is here, everything’s good!”
“There is no date here because no one is coming! Seriously, how can you even think that someone would want to see you when you look like you do??” Tom blinked, which seemed to anger the waiter even further. It sounded offensive in some way, but for the life of him Tom couldn’t figure out what he was talking about. “Now enough pretend and get out! I’m tired of you!”
His clothes were great, as much as it pained giving Ellie credit. His hair was perfectly fine. He was pretty sure he smelled alright – armpits still questionable though. Tom didn’t consider himself particularly good-looking, but at the very least he didn’t deserve being told off by a stranger.
“Again, my date just arrived, no need to comment on my fashion style.”
“You could wear all brands in the world, they wouldn’t cover a scar face like you!” Oh. Ah. Right. “Seriously, think before you go out! You’re bothering other customers, doesn’t it matter to you?”
This guy was still talking. Tom didn’t really care about that.
The memory of the day he got those scars was still blurry, he remembered being on the standby monitoring his target, then getting hit in the head. The pain, the shame, everything had made sense around the fact that he was a failure and that his appearance had been the result of his own sloppy skills. When he had joined Disventure Camp to investigate and redeem himself, not once he had thought of addressing those signs of embarrassment all over his body. He deserved to feel uncomfortable, he deserved to feel self-conscious about it. If he had done better, none of that would have happened, and he had been ready to live with that. Those had been his pillars.
When was the last time Tom had given his scars a second thought? It had been at camp two years ago, the day he had thrown away his mask, thinking that since it was all over then better going all out. The day he and Jake were trying to go back at being friends, the day Tom had decided that keeping the story for himself wasn’t worth it.
The day of their first kiss.
Why was he smiling right now? Because even in light of all the awfulness that had followed, that moment was still one of the most precious things of Tom’s life.
Oh man, there had been no hope of moving on from the very beginning, huh?
Tom covered his scarred cheek and smiled. The waiter’s eyes were bloodshot.
“It doesn’t matter at all to me, actually.” Maybe he was being a little too soft over the matter, but suddenly Tom felt infinitely more relaxed than before, and he just wanted to order his favorite dish and have company. “Can I order some drinks, now?”
The waiter actually slammed his hands on the table. Tom was ready to get up.
“Listen here you ugly-”
“Ahem. Newbie?” Finally someone Tom recognized from the staff. The manager was a small woman with the eyes of someone that had gone through war, and she was currently glaring flaming daggers at the waiter. Right behind her, Jake had his arms folded, frowning all the way. “A little birdie told me that my new employee had been bothering one of our regulars for some time now.” She grinned, which looked like a death sentence in itself. “I’m hoping birdie was wrong, especially because it would take enormous guts to try and piss off a local cop.”
It looked like it was dawning on newbie’s face, like he hadn’t started sweating the moment the manage had showed her face. His eyes darted back to Tom.
“C-Cop…?” Tom grinned, making the military salute, and kid’s poor soul left his body. “I-I’m really sorry about…! I didn’t know you were…! You should’ve- I mean, I’ll get you started with some drinks! Right away!” Well now, what a top-notch treatment.
The manager grabbed the waiter’s shoulder, or rather clawed it.
“I don’t think so. You’ll go back to the staff room and wait for me, we’re gonna have a serious talk.” Not even the eliminated walking towards the bus in DC had looked this disheartened. The managed made a deep bow. “I apologize for my employee’s manners, he was truly out of line and there is no excusing such a disrespectful behavior.” It was a bit funny and uncomfortable, it felt like a bit of a big scene considering the place. It was reassuring still. “I’ll make sure to deal with him immediately, meanwhile please enjoy your meal on the house.”
Tom gulped. That felt way too much.
“There’s no need for that, everything’s fine! No need to apologize!”
“I see the need.” Jake’s unexpectedly bitter voice manifested, as he sat back down. “I don’t feel comfortable at the idea of a waiter making ableist comments about my date.” Holy glazed donut, was Jake fighting for him? Was he being his knight in shining armor against the world’s injustice? Was Tom the damsel in distress waiting on his hero?
That was all very embarrassing and pathetic, and Tom was doing his best not to grin like an idiot. He had never been much of a romantic before meeting Jake, and now look at him.
The manage nodded again.
“I completely understand, but please let us make up for this mistake. You are free to order whatever you wish for, drinks and desserts included!” She smirked a little at Tom, and yeah, that was more comfortable. “I know the officer is very fond of our shrimp dumplings.” Busted.
Tom snickered. What the heck, maybe they deserved it after all.
“Alright, I’ll take you on that. Can we please get some water first?” The manager bowed again and left. “Hey… thanks.” There was little to wonder who the birdie was.
“Don’t mention it, I’m sorry I noticed only after coming back from the bathroom. Has he been bothering you the entire time you’ve been here?” Considering how out of it Tom had been until now, it was a hard question to answer to, so he simply shrugged. Jake sighed. “That was so infuriating, I can’t believe someone like him got a job. Are you okay?” Another weird question. Just now it occurred to Tom that Jake’s eyebrows were still deeply furrowed. “I don’t think anyone would be okay after being insulted like that.” Oh yeah, the diss or something.
Oh yeah, Tom didn’t care. Not even a little bit.
He grinned, which looked like it was worrying Jake even more, but it was hard to contain. His face was heating up, and ironically words were getting easier to pronounce.
“I’m alright, I didn’t even notice at first. I barely gave it a second thought in these years, so maybe I’m just healing.” Tom swallowed, feeling Jake’s dark eyes focused on him. It was scary. It felt so good. “… and someone once told me I look good like this, so who cares?” He shrugged, like it was a big deal, when it was one of the biggest of his entire life.
Jake widened his eyes, then he laughed, and wasn’t that just the prettiest sound.
“Whoever said that has phenomenal taste.” He was so great. This was so great.
Tom sighed, feeling his shoulders relax, and his voice lighter.
“I’m sorry, Jake.” His date tilted his head. “I know I’ve been a bit weird, or maybe a lot weird, I don’t know, everything’s pretty confusing right now. And that’s because I’m been a bundle of nerves the entire time I’ve been here… which is one hour ago.” Jake blinked. At least he didn’t look too weirded off by it. “I guess I just really want this to work out, but I have no idea what I’m doing and it’s driving me nuts. All I know is that you deserve to have a good time.” If that wasn’t the truest thing that had ever been spoken. It was the least Tom could had done.
Jake didn’t move for a moment, and Tom had all the time to imagine him getting up and leaving without a single word, a disturbed expression on his face. His body shivered at the thought.
Then the fantasy dissipated, and the real deal made a sweet smile that melted Tom’s insides.
“So do you, Tom. This isn’t a one-sided thing, we’re here to have fun together.” He reached to grab his hand. His fingers were soft and warm. “If it’s meant to work out, it will work out and we’ll make it work out, but let’s just appreciate the fact that we managed to get here. You’ve promised me this date for a while, after all!” He smirked with that distinct cheekiness of him.
Tom clenched his hold, biting down a smile. Where did all the worry from before go?
“Right. We’re here. We’re, we’re dating.”
“We are. Let’s see where it takes us and focus on enjoying the night.”
“Yeah… yeah, let’s do that.” Just like that, the giddiness was back. The enthusiasm was back. Tom brought Jake’s palm to his lips and kissed it. “Thank you.” That fluttering in his heart was back, as Jake’s cheeks turned a lovely red.
***
Jake wasn’t ready, he was so not ready for this.
Granted that the last time he had made such a big deal out of something, it had been the latest summer concert of Red Day, to which he had prepared himself military-like with the concentration of a zen master with Aiden – Jake couldn’t believe he had been so mean to a fellow punk brother, the disrespect. This time, he had gone even further. He got his hair done early to make them grow look more natural, he got his clothes chosen by Ellie and Gabby – for Tom for Tom for Tom for Tom – and he had even gone to the gym a bit, just to try and not look completely sloppy.
He was wearing the perfume his brother Shawn and his girlfriend had sent him from Brazil, he had gotten a special necklace from Miriam belonging to her late son, and Ashley had given him a pretty amazing pep talk despite him having a weak moment and spazzing out in chat.
No way he was going to make a fool of himself tonight. He was going to nail this… he thought.
Then the first thing Tom did upon seeing him was pulling back the chair for him like freaking gentleman. The cop got insulted for his scars and let it slide because he still kept what Jake had told him long into his heart. He had revealed that he was crazy nervous about this date, and that wanted to make this a good night for Jake.
Then he had kissed his hand. His hand.
Who did this in this era? How old were they? What year was this? And how did it not feel infinitely embarrassing and instead was the smoothest thing Jake had ever witnessed in his life?
Jake was ready… he was so ready to be not ready.
“Now, I know we had several full-blown discussions about this, and I hope you’re ready to admit that you were wrong!” Tom’s joyful ‘ha!’ woke him up from those dark thoughts, as the dumplings were served. Despite Jake’s nerves, the prospect of his favorite comfort food along with his favorite person was too much to even ponder keeping a frown. “Try and see if they’re not the best. No cheating though, cut them and deep them in the sauce! The whole treatment!”
“Yes I know the way of the dumpling, master!” Jake laughed, trying to cut the dumpling in half with the chopstick but ending up squishing the whole filling out. “… alright, I might be a bit rusty over the technique.” There was the possibility he had avoided Chinese restaurants waiting on Tom. There was a slim chance he had waited for this specific moment.
How gone was he for this man for thinking it had been worth it, just to see Tom carefully dipping the dumpling while keeping his tongue out for concentration? A whole lot, probably.
Man if he cared. Tom blinked at him and his unsuccessful efforts.
“It has really been that long? Can you do it?”
“Eh, I’ll get the hang of it soon enough. Not a fan of cold dumplings, though.”
“You and me both. Here.” Jake looked up and decided that this wasn’t real. This wasn’t actually happening, Tom was not extending his dumpling and he was not trying to feed him. “There’s nothing better than juicy hot and dripping in sauce, come on.” It was real.
Jake pondered the consequences of indulging this much in such an idyllic scenario and lose sense of reality, only to lean forward and take the bite, trying not to spit it because of a dreamy giggle.
Man it was good. It was really good. He grinned.
“Pretty alright.”
“Pretty alri- that was the best dang dumpling you’ve ever had, and you know it!” Again, it was hard keeping food in his mouth. Jake was probably never going to shake the guilt of being a part at making Tom lose his old job, but spy Tom would have never made such a goofy indignant face. “I’ve travelled quite a bit, I know what I’m talking about. What happened to the ‘phenomenal taste’ from before?” Goofy Tom was also unexpectedly petty sometimes.
It was a blessing each moment of it. Jake simply worked the chopsticks and finally managed to pick one up, this time feeding it to Tom.
“Maybe I’m more into things that wow me at first glance. Too bad.” It came out as a joke, with no actual thought behind it. Then Tom’s pretty eyes captured his glance, and they never looked away, not even when Tom moved and ate the piece. They stood there, and his words became suddenly meaningful. Jake was entranced. “… how is it?”
Tom chewed slowly, maybe savoring it, maybe he knew Jake’s face was growing hotter. He smiled.
“Perfect.” It was all so good. All so much. “Jake?”
Jake cleared his voice, covering himself with the menu, out of Tom’s sight.
“Uhm, if I order the fried noodles with seafood, will you share it with me? I tend not to finish it all, it fills me up immediately.” That was true but also Jake had lived through two years of basically being Miriam’s neighbor, which involved three full meals of a pretty consistent size – he felt pretty capable of finishing the noodles and order some more. “And some beef with mushroom and bamboo, that also looks good.” Alright, maybe the way he was subtly trying to relieve the romance wasn’t exactly going above the radar, it had never been his specialty.
Why was he, though? He wasn’t quite sure himself. Something was pressing inside of him, a weight that was making it hard to think about food. A stomp in the middle of his stomach.
Tom lowered the menu. He was still smiling.
“Can I have a bit of the bamboo? It’s the only part of that dish that I actually like.” Oh. Maybe it didn’t really matter. Whatever it was, it was going to leave on its own. Did Jake really have the time to think about something other than his handsome date? “We can split some spring rolls too?”
Jake snickered, putting down the shield and grabbing the glass of water instead.
“Officer Tom, I believe we have reached an agreement.” They toasted. His tummy relaxed.
In retrospect, a Chinese restaurant wasn’t exactly a romantic place, and it was inevitable exiting feeling at least double the size. The food was delicious and the atmosphere too, although when Jake used to have takeout, it was always knowing beforehand that he was likely going to spend the rest of the evening laying in bed in fetal position – ah, his high school days. That being said, he would have done this again immediately.
When they stepped out, a breeze caught Jake off guard. It was only September, but this night was particularly freezing. It made him regret not taking the coat Miriam had suggested – yes she was right once again and yes she was going to be smug about it all week.
Tom had his own shiver, looking up.
“Of course we get a cold night after weeks of scorching hot sleeping in open nature.” He took off his jacket and- oh was this guy for real?! “Here, before you get sick in the stomach.”
He was for real. Jake barely had the time to jump when Tom got closer.
“There’s no need for… oh, okay.” Oh man. The jacket was larger than him, almost enveloping completely, especially around the shoulders. Oh man. It was insanely warm, in a soft, unintrusive way. Oh man. After Tom put it on Jake’s shoulders, he rubbed them a little. Oh man. He couldn’t stop smiling. Oh man. Was this perfume? “You really like being all gentlemanly with your dates, huh? Bet you made lots of people happy.” Jealousy was still a bit of a problem for him, but right now, he was genuinely a bit curious. How was Tom with other interests?
Tom hummed, his hands still around Jake’s shoulders. He was such a strong, rough man, yet his touch was always unbelievably gentle. It was perhaps the one thing that got Jake to fall for him at first, the way he always held him like he was precious.
It still made his heart flutter. He almost whined when Tom took his hands off. Jake turned, and suddenly Tom looked pretty flushed. Cute.
“I wouldn’t really know. I didn’t get that many chances.”
“I wasn’t super popular either. At least a couple?”
“… less.” Tom cleared his voice, and it dawned on Jake, to such a level that he almost pondered hitting his head against the wall. Of course, it was so obvious that Tom was at his first date. If stakes weren’t high before, they were in space now. “Unless you count third wheeling for Aiden and James a couple of times, but it feels more like I’m a monocycle and they’re a plane.”
Jake snickered. He wore the jacket properly, and immediately Tom was trying not to stare. Aww.
“Been there, Ashley and Will are on their own lane when I’m around.” They both laughed a little. The night was shining just a little bit more. “Well then, better make this date worthwhile.”
Tom smiled. He slowly took Jake’s hand, intertwining their fingers.
“Couldn’t agree more.” Jake’s body was feeling the warmth.
That pinch was still there.
They walked for a while, holding hands, the cold breeze getting less and less noticeable. Jake found himself leaning against Tom more and more, just to steal a couple of glances at his appearance in white dress shirt only. Hot didn’t even begin to describe him. There were a thousand and more reasons why Jake was head over heels, and he could understand people calling him superficial and arrogant to list this, but he was the one dating a hunk of a man so how about that. A Tom dressed for the occasion was a rare sight, he wanted to enjoy it.
They stayed quiet for most of the time, with only a couple of cars passing on the road, a faraway disco playing some sort of techno music that from that far, muffled into the first noises of the nocturnal animals, almost seemed soothing. Tom casually raised their jointed hands and made Jake pass under his arm in a dance step, making him laugh.
This was a dream, everything was a dream. This splendid night, this moment between them. Tom running to him right after losing the finale, all drenched in sweat, panting his way to ask him on a date, wanting this to be different. Wanting them to be different, because they were, and accepting it had been the first brick to this new path of them. Jake shouting yes in a hug had been a dream, Tom hugging back with all of his might had been a dream. Right?
When was the last time Jake had felt this nice around another person? When was the last time he had reached such a comfortable feeling with someone? When was the last time he had been taken care of like this?
… not in the past, that was for sure.
The stomachache caught him off guard, it almost made him nauseous, and he found himself slowing down a bit. He didn’t want to think about it, definitely not about him. Not his name, not their time together, nor the way he cheated on him and made it sound like it was Jake’s fault. Years had been, literal years, and yes Jake still had massive troubled getting over people. At least, this time, it happened with someone worth fighting a heartbreak for.
Was Jake worth battling the same way, though? The wince was stronger now.
Jake blinked, he was feeling hot and disoriented all of the sudden. He clenched his hold on Tom’s hand, who stopped. They were near the shore, there was a bench. Jake swallowed.
“Can we sit down for a moment? I feel a bit dizzy.”
“Really? Sure, of course!” This man was seriously unreal, he led him to the bench with a hand over his back and made him sit down. “You don’t feel well? I guess we did go a little overboard with the dumplings in there.” The last one had been the twelfth one, yes.
Jake smiled and shook his head. He kept a hand on his stomach.
“I’m good, I just needed a break I guess.” Not believable, they had been walking only for ten minutes. He swallowed. “Maybe it’s low blood sugar?” Also a poor excuse.
Maybe enough for Tom. He was a really good and honest guy, but not super bright sometimes.
“Why didn’t you say so? I made us skip desserts at the Chinese place specifically for this!” He looked around, then he pointed at a direction, where a little stand was attracting a little crowd. It was a crepe stand. “One time the bakery we got the donuts from closed for family reasons for a week, so we basically raid whatever other sweet shop we could’ve found. My partner on the force found this place, and the crepes are to die for.” The review of a cop who unironically loved donuts had to be worth something. “You wanna give it a go?”
That wasn’t going to solve anything, but Jake decided it didn’t matter. Especially since he loved crepes, and he was wondering if this was a coincidence or Tom was actually remembering the times they used to talk for hours going fishing.
Maybe that was pushing it. It had been a while.
“Sounds perfect.”
“Alright, stay here, I’ll be right back. Chocolate and banana, right?” Oh holy chocobanana, he did remember. Jake’s heart felt it all. “I’ll get some water too, be right back!” And he was off.
Tom was perfect. He obviously wasn’t, yet he also kinda was. He was stubbornly reserved to the point of becoming a problem, and he had been trying to be more sincere and open to people. He had avoided calling him and Miriam for two years over doubts and guilt and self-doubt, only to make it his personal mission making up for all the wasted time – Miriam had the most embarrassing apron for him each time he visited, just for a little petty revenge. He had flaws that made life hard. He had pros that made life wonderful.
He was awkward and he was sweet, he was infuriating and he was passionate, he was aggressive and he was loving. Someone that had caused him such a heartache and was the problem and the solution at the same time, and Jake wouldn’t had it any other way.
Because he loved him. He loved Tom. Even if it was too soon.
Did Jake deserve to love someone like thim, though? Did he?
Jake wrapped himself in the jacket even further, hoping to disappear in it, to have this weight inside disappear. It didn’t happen, and he found himself trying to hold back the urge to cry. It was so ridiculous. Finally, after getting back the man he had wanted for years, with that stupid show behind his back, with friends that supported him and this relationship, why was he feeling so conflicted still? Why was there always a voice inside his head telling him that happiness was a luxury and that he was too poor to afford it? Why did it always sound like his stupid ex, that had stopped throwing insults at him only after Jake had blocked his number?
Maybe because this really wasn’t for him. Maybe he should had gotten the hint for real, back then. What was the point into trying when Tom was amazingly Tom and Jake was awfully Jake?
He sighed, bumping his own head like it was malfunctioning.
“Stop thinking.” Easier said and done. He sighed again. The night seemed darker than before.
It livened up when Tom grabbed his hands, green beautiful eyes big of worry.
“I should bring you back home.” He was warming his hands. Tom’s hands were big and tough. It made Jake smile a little. “I’ve been calling your name for a while, maybe you’re coming up with something.” Did he now? Jake didn’t even perceive him. The crepes were in a box next to him. He didn’t feel like having one anymore. “Do you feel feverish?” He didn’t feel like having anything.
Jake leaned forward, just to lean his forehead on Tom’s shoulder. The man didn’t move.
“I feel bad. Because I know you could do so much better than me.”
“Jake?”
“You think you’re nervous? I’ve been monitoring the restaurant from the bar on the other side of the road since five. I thought I severely underdress and had a meltdown over it.” It sounded a thousand times more embarrassing out loud. “Last night I didn’t sleep at all, today I freaked out to Ashley over nothing, and I still feel inadequate. I still feel like I’m not good enough, but I don’t want it to be, I want to be what you deserve to have. Because… I want it to work out too.” Jake slowly placed his hands over Tom’s chest, hoping not to get pushed away. “And I don’t know what I’m doing as well. I’m at loss, and I hate it.” It wasn’t Jake’s first rodeo, and he was dissociating. It was Tom’s first date, and he was killing it.
Was that a good different, or just a different different?
For a moment, it was only silent. Jake dreaded the moment he was going to lose this contact, he almost tightened his hold on Tom’s shirt. Then it slipped from his fingers, and Jake felt himself cold, only to be enveloped by those strong arms, pulling him even closer. A pleasant shiver shushed away all of those thoughts.
Tom inhaled strongly, like he was preparing for something.
“I noticed something was off, but again, my mind was too busy panicking.” He got a little laugh out of him. “You know what I thought when I saw you getting through that door?” Jake shook his head. Tom’s heart was beating fast. “I thought… what is someone gorgeous like that still doing with me?”
Jake made an incredulous laugh, slowly hugging back.
“Don’t go stealing my lines. You’re the stud looking like James Bond.”
“I’d rather not look like a spy still, and I don’t think we’re gonna agree on this dispute, popstar idol.” Seriously, where was the cringe and why was Jake genuinely flattered? There had to be a limit at being this lost for someone. “So, let me start another argument: we both changed, inside and out, since the last time we did something this romantic. We still have much to work on.” Tom turned him and looked at him with a shimmer in his eyes. “But right now, I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. Maybe it can be this simple, for now.”
This man. Jake had risked losing this man because of doubts and mistrust, then because of questions and stubbornness. He could have lost these special moments of them being in each other’s arms, at ease and comfortable, because they both knew that this was meant to happen.
Jake beamed at him. His throat hurt wonderfully.
“Me too, I… all I want is to be with you.” They hugged again. The weight dissolved. Tom smelled of a strong perfume. It suited him. “Thank you.”
“I’m just giving back the suggestion you gave me. Just enjoy the now, do what you wanna do.”
With the weight gone, with the bliss back, something clicked.
“… whatever I want?” Maybe Jake was pushing it. They both were into this, but they were still relatively new into this relationship, and everything had the potential to fall apart. But if what he was feeling was true like he knew it was, and he was really allowed to desire, then the answer to that question was one. “There is something I want to do. I’ve been wanting to do it for years, actually.” Today Jake had not woken up thinking he was going to expose himself as the absolute romantic he was, but this mood felt too intimate to do anything to kill it.
And he wanted, man if he wanted it. Jake scooted closer to Tom and looked at him, right into those lovely eyes of his, only to slowly and very evidently let his gaze wonder below, onto his lips. A swallow came automatic, which turned Tom red, as he probably realized his intentions.
Tom gaped for a moment, looking away, making Jake froze inside. Then he smiled, timidly, letting a hand cover his. His eyes were shaking.
“It has been a while, I’m warning you.”
Jake exhaled, leaning forward with his eyes half-closed.
“Then follow my lead, officer.” As his eyelids closed, Tom leaned back.
As soon as their lips touched, Jake almost broke them apart because of an uncontainable relieved laughter. Ecstasy, satisfaction, mixing inside of him as Tom’s hand bashfully went over Jake’s back, bringing him closer, sighing as the kiss got slower yet somehow more intense. His lips were tough, chapped, and they tickled Jake’s in a wonderfully teasing way that was making it hard to even begin to have a thought. Jake’s hands naturally fell on Tom’s wide chest, and his heart was beating like a rabbit, harmonizing with his. Feeling the same fearful joy.
Jake wanted to keep going, heck, he wanted to make this the rest of their night. But then again, this was still very new, and making Tom uncomfortable was the last thing he would have wanted. So he broke the kiss first, enjoying Tom’s warm breath over his face and the way his lips felt reshaped. Despite himself, he gave one slow caress at that scarred cheek.
It was like a flip.
Next thing he knew, Jake trapped into another, much more passionate kiss, and he didn’t have the time to react before meeting that energy, muffling a gulp between their lips. His flushed cheeks made his head all fuzzy, and he barely managed to hold Tom’s face. He felt a shiver underneath.
For him. This mightiness was for him. This adoration was for him.
When Tom licked his lip, Jake wished to for the world to end around this. He kept caressing Tom’s face, and Tom kept shivering, kissing more and more like that was his switch, his week point, and Jake wanted to absolutely abuse it. Then, when his hands slowly went onto his neck and then into his black hair, another flip turned, and Tom pushed him down onto the bench. Even in the rush of the moment, Tom was holding his body, accompanying him down.
This time, Tom pulled away first. Red didn’t even begin to describe how he looked.
“Huh… I…” He swallowed, and Jake was three second away from pulling him down to continue. Too bad Tom looked close to combust. “… you were not the only one wanting this for a while.” He helped him up, suddenly evading his eyes.
Jake felt like a mess, his hair was all over the place, his face was a furnace. He felt wonderful, so wonderful. He grabbed the crepe, suddenly really hungry. They looked great.
Jake snickered, taking a bite, as Tom was still diverting his gaze.
“I can confidently say you’re not rusty at all.”
“I was just really eager, that’s all. I think I got too carried away too.” What a bunch of excuse for a lovely kiss. Hopefully only the first of many. Tom grabbed his crepe, again without looking, looking more ashamed than embarrassed. “… c-can I walk you home after this?”
Jake sighed, taking in just the realization of how truly and genuinely nervous Tom was to ponder such a question after a moment like this. The stars seemed more splendid than before, and perhaps not only because it was getting really late. The crepe was deliciously sweet and creamy, even if a bit cold, and the way Tom was trying to give him space yet his leg still remained stubbornly next to his was beyond heartwarming. This was it, this was how happiness felt like.
He was going to cultivate it with care. Jake leaned his head on Tom’s shoulder, making him jump.
“Only if I get to organize our next date.”
Another jump. Then, slowly, Tom brought a hand behind Jake’s back and onto his side, bringing him closer. His eyes were lucid, his smile was blinding.
“Deal.”
Truly a beautiful night.
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