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Lloyd felt tired. Exhausted. Drained. His limbs felt so heavy, like he could sink through his sweat soaked mattress at any given moment. He'd been having nightmares every time he was able to drift off. Stealing him away from every rest he so desperately needed. He hadn't gotten out of his room in a day, but it seemed no one had noticed. Lloyd hadn't eaten much either, he should have been hungry, craving food, but he had been robbed of his appetite.
He just felt empty. Numb. Hollow.
And above all that he can't escape his own ruthless thoughts. The thoughts were so loud they drowned out any other sounds. The voice of his father, Garmadon, echoed through his mind. Reminding him of how worthless he is. That no matter how hard he tries, he'll never save everyone.
he'll never be enough.
His mentor, sensei Wu telling him he was wrong about him being the green ninja. That the universe was wrong for giving him these powers. That he'll just turn out evil, just like his father.
Though what was most painful to him, was his brother, Kai, screaming at him until his voice was hoarse. How he should have left him to die in that volcano all those years ago. He tried to argue back, tried to shut the deafening voices out. Reminding himself that these weren't real. Though eventually he gave up and just accepted it. Perhaps they were right all along.
At some point the sound of the alarm finally came through. It sounded far away, muffled. Lloyd knows it's not supposed to sound like that. Usually it blared through the entire monastery. He slowly sat up, dragged his weakened limbs. Knees up, elbows resting on top of them. His dull green eyes focused on his trembling and scarred hands. Anxiety started creeping towards his chest, a tight band forming around his lungs, constricting them. His veins buzzed as if filled with agonizing electricity.
He knew exactly what was happening. And he couldn't handle this. Not right now.
He inhaled deep through his nose, attempting to fill his lungs to its maximum. Except his breathing faltered. His chest ached and a sharp pain shot through his heart.
The boy bit his lip, whimpering. He felt so weak. The dreadful tingling started, like a bunch of tiny needles puncturing his skin. From his damaged fingertips it crawled up his arms, numbing them
Lloyd took another attempt to fill his restricted airways. He ran his fingers over his scars, pointing all his left over concentration toward them. It was a strange habit he had adopted to calm himself down, similar to others rubbing a necklace or ring. But his vision was disfigured, as if he was looking through a fish-eye lens. His heart pounded in his chest, it surprised him it hadn't bursted out somehow.
He knows he should be getting ready by now. The others must be waiting for him already.
He can't.
No matter, the boy tried again, stood up, curled his hands into feeble fists, clenched them to stop the severe shaking. He swallowed hard and took another deep breath. He can do this. He has to do this. Okay. That was one full, although stuttering breath. Now another. But the voice of his father interrupted him, stealing him of his very much needed air.
"Don't even bother. You'll fail. Once again. And you know it's true."
The voice was cold, such as ice running down his spine. And it was confident, it did not once waver. Lloyd can't disagree. He hated it. Despised it. He bit his lip once more, so hard his sharp fangs pierced the skin. He tasted his own metallic blood and shuddered. The boy shook his head as if to shake the voice from his mind. It did not work.
"Pathetic."
It was like Lloyd could sense his fathers menacing figure looming over him from behind. The voice rasped, such as the grating sound of a knife being sharpened against stone. The cruel whispered phrases sent his stomach churning. He repressed a gag as he felt ragged hands clutching his shoulders. Rough nails dug into his skin. A small stream of blood ran down his shoulder. Or was it sweat? He didn't know anymore. The boy spun around, fist balled and ready to fight.
Except, there was nothing there.
Lloyd gasped. His chest heaved. The alarm tuned back in and it was ear-splitting. Every limb felt numb. He was losing his control over them. The jarring voices overlapped in his mind, becoming louder and louder. They were deafening. It was all too much. He stumbled back, hitting the wall. Pain shot through his spine and the boy cried out. He sank down, his hands in his blonde locks. He tugged on them, as hard as he could. It hurt. And that was good. Anything to distract him from own mind.
He couldn't do this.
The boy was full on hyperventilating now.
He made an effort to guide his thoughts towards a time where he was successful as the green ninja. However the only thing his brain supplied him with were the screams of terror. The mass destruction. The overwhelming guilt whenever he saw the excruciating death toll.
He was reminded of the people who worshiped him. The people who thought he would be there to save the day. The green ninja was their hero. Their savior. They all know he's the destined one. They praise Lloyd for it, like a deity.
But he's not a deity. He's not a hero, He is a sixteen year old. And he's cracking beneath the pressure. He couldn't do this again.
He was such a failure. The green ninja shouldn't panic like this. Especially not from his own thoughts or an alarm. It's pathetic. He is pathetic. Perhaps they were right. Maybe Kai should have left him to burn in that volcano.
Broken sobs slipped from his mouth. He choked and hiccupped as he struggled to catch his breath. His lungs wheezed for air. Though nothing seemed to come in. It hurt so much. Blood roared in his ears, drowning out the sounds from the world around him. His eyes burned. Hot tears streamed down his cheeks. He couldn't even be bothered to wipe them away.
-
Kai was wondering where Lloyd was. Usually he was the first one to be ready. Not today though. So, he decided to go to his room, knocking loudly on the door. Could he be asleep? How would anyone sleep through this awful alarm though?
"Lloyd? We've gotta g-" he paused as he heard something. It sounded a bit like a sob? That couldn't be right, surely Lloyd would come to him if he wasn't alright. He liked to think he's like a big brother to him. "..Lloyd?"
The door creaked as he slowly opened it. Kai froze as he saw Lloyd curled up on the ground. His heart shattered. "Oh kid.." he muttered, his voice cracking. He rushed over, brows furrowed as he struggled to figure out how to deal with this. How to calm his little brother down.
"Lloyd, can you hear me?" The kid gave a small nod. "Alright That's- That's good." Kai reached out for him, but hesitated and pulled back. "Are you okay with touch?" Lloyd gave another small nod. Gently, Kai took his hand, rubbing comforting circles into it.
"We've got to calm your breathing okay? I'm going to pinch you when you need to breathe in, and when I let go you'll breathe out. We'll do it together." Lloyd attempted to breathe in with him but struggled. "Kai- I can't- I can't-" He gasped, his voice sore and throat hoarse. Kai bit his lip, tears forming in his eyes.
"No, you can do it, bud. We'll just try again and again until you succeed. I-" His voice faltered, he took a deep breath and continued. "I've been there. And I know it'll be hard. But I believe in you, kid. I always will."
A choked out sob released from Lloyd's aching lungs as he's called 'kid'. He's sixteen, and even though that's technically still a kid, he hasn't been one for some while now. He lost his childhood the moment he became the green ninja. Kai's only a few years older, barely an adult, but he knows what it's like to grow up too fast. And Kai seems to be the only one to see Lloyd for what he really is, a child in soldier's armor.
"C'mon. Try again with me. Breathe in.. Breathe out.." His breathing stuttered, but went a little bit better. They kept going until his breathing calmed down enough. Kai helped Lloyd to sit up, and he immediately slumped into his big brother's arms, wrapping his arms around his neck as he buried his face into the crook of his shoulder.
"I can't do it." Lloyd whispered, he sounded so young like this. "I can't do this, Kai.." Even with his voice soft, it cracked. Kai was holding him close, softly playing with his hair. "Can't do what..?" Lloyd shook his head, tears threatening to spill once more. "It's too much."
Kai gently lifted Lloyd's head from his shoulder, cupping his cheek. He saw the boy's puffed up, dulled eyes. They used to be so bright.
"What's too much, Lloyd?"
"The pressure."
Oh.
Kai knew exactly what he meant. He's had his own fair share of nightmares and panic attacks from the pressure. He knew he should've expected it, but he would've done anything to save Lloyd from this destiny. No one deserved this.
"The pressure of being a ninja, being the green ninja." He paused, swallowing hard, tears rolled down his cheeks. "I can't save everyone." His voice cracked and a sob followed. He put his hands up his mouth, attempting to stop it.
"Kid.. no one can save everyone. No matter how hard we try, it's impossible. And it is not your fault." He couldn't help but tear up himself too. "This burden.. you don't have to do this alone. You shouldn't do this all alone." He took a breath, and made sure Lloyd was looking him in his eyes as he said this.
"You are not alone."
Gently he put their foreheads together, closing his eyes. "I'm here for you. I always will be."
"Always?"
"Always, Lloyd. And so will Nya be. She may not say it often, but she loves you, and so do I. Never forget that." Slowly Kai moved his head away, then giving Lloyd a soft kiss on his forehead.
"You know I'd burn down the world if it meant saving you. And you know it's true." His blackened fingertips were proof of that. He's over-used his elemental power many times. It hurt, damaged, and it scarred. Though that didn't matter to him. As long as his loved ones were safe.
This made Lloyd chuckle and made his heavy chest bloom with warmth. He often felt worthless. Kai somehow always managed to prove him otherwise. "You know, I’d rather not have the world burnt down. We've had enough ‘near end of the world times’ already.”
"Really now? No burnt marshmallows? No shitty campfire songs?" Kai joked, giving Lloyd a playful shove. “Don't you think I have an amaaazing singing voice?”
"The world is not one big campfire." He said flatly as he pushed Kai's head away with his palm. “And no. Absolutely not.” He snorted. In all honesty he did actually like his singing voice. In the past Lloyd had struggled with insomnia, Kai would help by singing lullabies. He missed that. Though he would never admit that out loud.
"It could be! And hey, hey! Be careful you'll ruin my hair!" He groaned.
"You always ruin mine." He smacked Kai's hand away as he reached for Lloyd's hair. It was a frequent occurrence, unfortunately for Lloyd.
"Because you're my little bro and it's my job to do that."
"It's your job to save people!"
Kai shrugged, grinning like an idiot. "Eh. I think teasing you is more important than that. But," His smile faltered, face filling with concern. "You're good now, right? And next time you better come to me if you're struggling, okay, kid?"
"I'm alright now, thanks. And I can't promise that-"
"Lloyd."
"Fine."
"Great! Now let's beat some ass!" He shot up and held his battered hand out for Lloyd. He then yanked the boy up with so much force they got slammed into each other. And of course, he ruffled his hair.
“Why must you always do that?” Lloyd huffed.
An idea popped up in his mind, as if a light bulb lit up. He swiped his right leg beneath Kai's. Kai, who was unprepared for this, fell to the floor with a crash.
“Ow.”
Lloyd stepped over him and headed towards the door.
“You deserved that. You coming yet?”
“Yeah, yeah.”