Work Text:
He was sitting on Hen’s couch when it happened. It was like being hit by lightning, but worse. And he’s one of the few people who can actually say that.
He was watching Chris for Eddie who was at therapy, or supposed to be, and they went to Hen and Karen’s so the boys could play video games together. They’d quickly disappeared into Denny’s room while Hen and Buck were sitting on the couch watching Top Chef.
Karen walked into the house with her hands full of groceries, and staring at her phone. “Babe, you will not believe what Eddie is texting me,” She walks past the living room and into the kitchen, she clearly doesn’t know Buck is there. “He’s asking me how he should ask out his crush, can you belie-“ She walks back into the living room and finally registers Buck on the couch. “Buck! Hey! I didn’t know you were here.”
He feels physically sick. Can’t stand to sit there and let them watch him fall apart. He stands abruptly, “I was just heading out actually.”
Hen tried to reach for him, “Buck, you don’t have to-“
“No it’s ok, I have to go to, um, the store! The store, yeah, so just call me when Chris is ready to go or you’re ready for him to go.” He’s headed out the door before they can say another word.
He jogs to the Jeep, determined to get out of there, the weight on his chest immobilizing. Is this what a panic attack felt like? He vaguely remembers something Eddie said about it feeling like a heart attack. Eddie. He loses it. Heaving trying to catch his breath and unable to do so. Tears fall from his eyes without his permission and he feels stupid. Stupid because he has no right to be acting like this.
He knew it was all in good fun. They’d talked about it, how the flirting they were doing was just a game. To see who could get the other to laugh first or blush the hardest. So what if it was never a game to Buck? If every word he’d said was dead serious. That doesn’t mean it was serious to Eddie, despite letting himself believe it was.
He thinks back to all of their texts, that’s how it happened most of the time, Buck was too much of a coward to do anything in person. He can’t believe that their talks of kissing each other and cuddling together were actually all just pretend. It started out innocent enough, Eddie sent him a song, said he thought Buck would like it. Buck listened to the song and was a bit taken aback, partly because it was the prettiest love song he’d ever heard and partly because it was Eddie who sent it.
“I can’t believe you just dropped the most gorgeous love song into my inbox on a random Tuesday”
“Just for you”
Buck stared at the message for a minute, unsure of what to say. How do you respond when your best friend who you are definitely in love with messages you that. He’s still pondering how to respond, considering just liking the message, when his phone vibrates again.
“Sorry, was that too much?”
“No you’re good, just a little surprised”
And then they never stopped.
He knew that Eddie wasn’t serious, but wanted him in any way he’d allow, so he kept going despite knowing deep down it would end with him hurt. He kept himself in check at first, didn’t let himself fall for it, but then came the subtle touches that made it all feel real: the way Eddie’s hand would rest on his back as he moved past him in the kitchen, the brushing of their shoulders when they walked next to each other, the knocking of their knees under the table at meal times.
Followed by Eddie texting him, an arrange of messages, from “You should skip hair gel more often” to “Your biceps look extra biteable today” and “We should adopt a baby together, start a family officially” , and he’d sit across the station and smirk at him while he did. Waiting for Buck’s reaction, the blush raising up his neck or him pulling his phone to his chest making sure no one else saw.
The point being, Buck started to not believe he was crazy anymore. Started to let himself envision a future with Eddie. He thought he was just waiting on Eddie to be ready for commitment. He knows Eddie’s struggled before and he wasn’t going to push him. But now he knows, it’s not that Eddie isn’t ready for a commitment, he just doesn’t want one with him.
~
Buck has been distancing himself since then. Can’t stand the thought of continuing on the game he was playing with Eddie, not when it feels like a twisted knife in the gut. So he stopped the goodmorning and goodnight texts, he stopped asking Eddie for his daily agenda, and overall just backed off.
Besides, if Eddie was starting a new relationship the last thing he’ll want is a constant third wheel.
What he doesn’t stop is seeing Christopher, he could never. It’s not that he stops seeing Eddie either, just now instead of curling up together on the couch after dinner when Chris retreats to his room to play video games, he goes to the loft.
The loft, cold and bleak, he doesn’t remember hating it as much before as he does now. Everytime he walks in the door he grimaces at the industrial architecture, he remembers liking it once, but now he just yearns for shoes piled by the front door, a sink full of dishes, a dining table covered in Chris’ homework, all the things that felt like home.
At the station it’s easy to distract himself, with calls and cooking with Bobby, and it feels somewhat normal between him and Eddie, but there’s no escape from his feelings at the loft. For the last few months, every night spent at the loft, which were admittedly few and far between, he was laying in bed giggling and kicking his feet like a school girl while talking to Eddie.
Finding out he was bisexual should’ve been a big revelation for Buck, he figures it probably is for most men who find out in their 30s, but it wasn’t. It just seemed to fit, like a part of him that never did before finally made sense and that was that.
What was a big revelation to Buck, was his feelings for Eddie. It just clicked one day that this is not how everyone thinks of their best friend, and that he was completely done for. He panicked, for a minute, but then he realized that nothing has to change because nothing actually has changed. It’s a fact about him, always been true.
My name is Evan Buckley, I’m a firefighter, I have the best big sister in the world, I’m bisexual, I’m in love with Eddie Diaz.
These are things he knows to be true. The core facts about him that he feels everyone should know. Except no one can know the last one.
In a sense he feels like the universe had something to do with this, it feels extremely coincidental that he managed to not realize he needed Eddie like water until he’d already accepted his sexuality. After all, it feels like something he should’ve noticed. Then again, if he had noticed before he probably would’ve been scared of those feelings and ran, so how grateful he is that he’s ready to accept his feelings, despite how much they hurt him.
All of this to say that Buck doesn’t know who he is without loving Eddie. He can’t sleep or eat, everything feels pointless now. He knows that he should talk to someone, maybe his therapist, but he just feels so embarrassed he can’t. How can he face anyone after that, how’s he supposed to expect anyone to understand him when he says I broke my own heart because I convinced myself that my straight best friend was in love with me.
He goes on like that for weeks moping around the station, and he knows everyone notices but is too kind to bring it up. He’s grateful for that. He sees Hen’s knowing looks and they make him squeamish, had he really been that easy to read? Even if he hadn’t before, his grand exit was probably a major clue. Everytime she looks at him it makes him want to throw up, empty the already minimal contents of his stomach onto his shoes. And Eddie, sweet, perfect Eddie, of course he knows Buck isn’t okay, and of course he’s there for him asking everyday if there’s anything he can do, and that makes Buck want to slit his throat. How can he explain to Eddie that he ruined their entire friendship by doing exactly what they agreed they wouldn’t, take anything said as legitimate. So he lies, he tells Eddie he’s in a fight with his parents and deflects everytime he asks more questions. He can’t lie to Eddie is the thing, so he knows that’s not what’s wrong but Eddie pretends he doesn’t know and continues to ask if there’s anything he can do each time they see each other.
Eventually Buck thinks he might be best off in a straight jacket in a padded cell, or maybe a lobotomy would help. But he can’t handle feeling like a crazy person anymore. He’d seen it on so many calls, people driven crazy by love, and he always thought they were just crazy, and he would never understand them. But now he does, he understands the urge to jump from a seven story building or stand naked on a billboard, not that he’d do either, but he understands it now.
~
His knock on Bobby and Athena’s door is hesitant. He doesn’t want to bother them, but he has to do something. He doesn’t feel like he should be working in his current mental state, and wanted to ask for some leave. When the door opens, Athena is not who he expected.
“Buck!” She greets him so warmly he almost starts crying right there. “What’s up?”
“H-hey, ‘Thena, is Bobby around?” He’s nervous to be here, he doesn’t know why, he sees Boby and Athena more as parents than he ever did his own.
Athena gives him a puzzled look, “He’s out with the team, I’m surprised you’re not with them.” Buck thinks back, he vaguely remembers declining an invite as he was changing to go home. “Are you okay, Buck? You don’t look so good?”
The change in Athena’s tone is what gets to him, a sob escapes his body before he can stop it. “Not really, no.”
She immediately reaches out and pulls him into a hug, the kind of hug only moms give, and he completely loses it. It’s not lost on him how ridiculous he must look, a grown man sobbing as he’s being comforted by his mommy. Well not his mommy, but close enough. Despite the fact that he’s much bigger than her, she hugs him tight, and she doesn’t let go.
“Buck, honey, why don’t you come sit down, I’ll get you some water.”
His vision is bleary from the tears, but he makes his way to the couch. Sitting down, he tucks his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around his legs. He’s never felt as small as he does at this very moment.
When Athena returns she has a glass of water and a bowl of Bobby’s baked mac and cheese, Buck’s favorite comfort food, and she sets them both on the coffee table. “You don’t have to eat it, but I figured you might want it. Now why don’t you tell me what’s going on.”
Buck starts at the beginning, as embarrassing as
the whole thing is, and doesn’t leave anything out. By the end a solid stream of tears are running down his face, but he’s not sobbing so he counts it as a win.
“First I want to say thank you for opening up to me, but it’d serve you right for me to hit you upside the head.”
Out of all the things she’d say he was not expecting that.
“You have lived all of your life in fight or flight mode, you forget that you don’t have to anymore. No matter what, Buck, we are your family and we are here for you. And you don’t get to isolate us like this because we care too much about you to see you hurting and for you to not let us help you.”
Buck just nods his head, he suddenly feels really guilty. “I was just so embarrassed I didn’t know how to tell anyone.”
“Oh, Buck, it’s our job to embarrass you.” Athena grabs his hand, and for the first time in weeks he really laughs.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
“I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t. I think you should schedule a therapy appointment, you could use it, and you need to talk to Eddie.”
“What if I ruin our friendship?”
Athena laughs at that, “From where I’m standing it isn’t looking too good right now anyways, ignoring and lying to him, he’ll always be there for you, but not if you don’t let him.”
~
Buck felt a lot better after talking to Athena, turns out you shouldn’t bottle up your emotions, who knew? He was still sad, but everything felt a lot less end of the world. If nothing else, he had his family, and that was enough. He could handle only having half of Eddie, only getting him as a best friend because he had everyone else. And everyone else was nothing to scoff at, they were the best family he could’ve asked for, so he was being greedy, really, for wanting both them and Eddie.
He came to work his next shift feeling like he might actually enjoy seeing everyone today. That feeling lasted for about 10 minutes before Eddie had him cornered in the locker room. The locker room was never empty when Eddie had sent him a teasing text and he was half hard, so why now is there no one in sight.
“Buck!” The echo of Eddie’s voice breaking him out of his thoughts has him jumping backwards as he’s putting his pants on and tripping over the bench.
“E-Eddie, hey!” Buck knew he had to talk to Eddie but he wasn’t planning on doing it this soon.
“We need to talk.”
“We do? What about” Buck hopes it'll work.
“Oh, come on! Don’t play dumb, Buck.” nope. “Seriously, did I do something? Are you okay? What is going on with you?”
The look in Eddie’s eyes kills Buck, he never meant to make him think it was something he did. He lets out a deep sigh, “No, Eddie you didn’t do anything, but I can’t have this conversation right now.” He looks out the glass to see everyone doing inventory and feels very exposed. “Not here.
Eddie throws his hands into the air, “Then where, Evan? When? ”
He figures he’s avoided this for as long as he can, “After our shift.”
~
Twenty-four hours later, Buck’s remembering the promise he made, and wishing he could take it back. He knows Athena is right, that there’s not any friendship worth trying to save right now, but not being friends because Buck isolated himself and not being friends because Eddie finds Buck to be a gay creep are very different. He’s not sure he’s ready for the rejection but doesn’t have much of an option.
“Do you want to go to my place? Chris is at school for a few hours still. Or we can go out somewhere, you know, neutral ground.” The distance between them walking to their cars is unnatural.
“We don’t need neutral ground, I’ll meet you at your house.”
The 20 minute drive seems like hours where Buck’s stomach is just turning into knots, and yet just mere seconds because he has no time to prepare what he’s going to say.
When he arrives at the front door it feels wrong to just walk in, so he knocks, but that felt wrong too.
“Why are you knocking?”
“I don’t know, it’s just..”
“Different?”
“Yeah.”
“It doesn’t have to be.” There’s silence and Buck doesn’t know what to say. “Why is it?” Eddie’s voice cracks as he says it, and Buck feels his heart shatter into a million pieces right there.
“I think we should probably sit down.”
Eddie leads the way to the living room, and they sit on completely opposite sides of the couch. It's stiff and formal, not like it usually is, when they’re sharing a blanket or Buck is using Eddie’s shoulder as a pillow.
“What happened, Buck?”
“Please don’t hate me.”
“You’re being ridiculous, you're my best friend, I could never hate you.”
“Just let me finish before you say anything or kick me out, or whatever, and once I’m done I’ll go, you don’t have to see me again.” Eddie rolls his eyes and huffs, but nods nonetheless.
“I know the whole flirting thing between us was just some game, some joke that only we were in on, but I fucked up and I actually let myself believe you were being real, that you meant all those things, and I know that’s crazy, but it was just wishful thinking I guess. Because I’ve had feelings for you since forever, so I hoped it was real. And then I was at Hen’s and Karen said you were asking her advice about a crush and it was all too much. It was the worst reality check in the world, and I couldn’t keep going along with the joke only you were in on, so I bolted.” There’s a long moment of silence. “That’s all, so you can tell me you think I’m a freak now.”
Eddie just looks at him, a little incredulous. “That’s what this is about?” Buck just nods and stares at his hands in his lap. He misses Eddie looking up at the ceiling and scrubbing his hand over his face. “You are such an idiot.”
Buck snaps his head up, “What?” Instead of answering, Eddie moves closer to him on the couch, he backs away instinctively. “What are you doing?”
“Would you just hold still?” and he does because Buck will do anything Eddie asks of him. Eddie leans into him and softly presses their lips together.
One hand sits at the nape of Buck’s neck and the other on his waist. Buck takes a minute to process what is happening, but eagerly returns the kiss hands going to Eddie’s waist. After minutes or hours, Eddie pulls back slightly.
“You’re who I was talking to Karen about, by the way. It’s always been you, always gonna be you.”
“I thought it was all just a game?”
“Turns out you’re not the only one who can’t follow the rules.” Buck grins so hard his cheeks hurt, and moves back in towards Eddie. “What are you doing?”
“Would you just hold still?” He whispers fondly before slotting their lips together once more.