Work Text:
Frank adjusted the breaks on his chair as Eddie took his usual seat on the couch in his office.
“So, Firefighter Diaz.” Frank smiled and settled his notepad on his lap “It’s been a few months since we last saw each other, I have to ask, what’s brought this on? I don’t recall anything crossing my desk regarding a call of yours?”
“No, nothing like that. Just like, general housekeeping I guess… I hated this whole therapy thing, but I have to admit a second opinion helps.”
“Second opinion on what?” Frank asked as the pen shot softly across the pad, writing notes in a specific shorthand that only he knew how to 100% decode. “Work or family?”
“Both… I guess. Relationships. I know this isn’t really what you do…” He trailed off.
“Eddie, I service a whole array of first responders, coming to me does not have to be because of something catastrophic. I’m on the books to listen to anything you need me for.”
“My girlfriend left me.” He sighed.
“I see…” Frank furrowed his brow “How has that been effecting you?”
Eddie shrugged “That’s the thing, it hasn’t really meant anything to me. Two months ago I was ready to move in with her, and then I was ready to leave her in the same week. Since then we’ve just been together, not really doing anything but being around each other and going for dinner a few times a week. She rightfully pointed out that my heart didn’t seem to be in it, and it’s not. It wasn’t.”
Frank nodded “That’s normal, not everyone you meet, or date is meant to be.”
“But it is everyone. It feels like everyone” Eddie sighed “My hearts never been in it, not even really with Christopher’s Mother, when she was alive. If it hadn’t been for Chris we wouldn’t have lasted past college.”
“What makes you think it’s everyone?” Frank wrote more notes.
“I don't think I've ever been in love, not fully. Attraction is something else entirely. I can see attraction, I understand the idea of it, but it’s only lately I’ve realised it’s not something I’ve been feeling as much as… I don’t know, accepting? Like it’s a done deal, something I’m supposed to enjoy, it’s like I see the attraction and feel it because it’s what expected but not what’s real. And the sex, it’s just that. Sex. I hear these people talk about making love, and I feel the pleasure but it’s all it really is for me.”
“Hmm.” Frank wrote down more notes.
“I just keep throwing myself into these relationships and lately i’ve realised that they’re not even for me, Marisol pointed that out when she left me. She said she wasn’t there for me and when I asked her what that meant, she said that I knew, but I don’t. Well I didn’t.” Eddie sighed “So I reached out to my ex, I still see her from time to time, she’s my son’s teacher. I asked if she had felt the same way.”
“And had she?”
Eddie nodded “She told me that the relationship never felt like hers and mine, it felt like hers and Christopher’s. She pointed out that it wasn’t until after we were done that she realised I wasn’t looking for a partner, I was looking for a mother for my son.”
Frank nodded “So you think this desire to form a nuclear family has prevented you from entering any real relationships?”
“I don’t know.” Eddie shrugged “I didn’t even know that was what I was doing, I spoke to Bobby about it.” He rolled his shoulders “And he said that he had noticed that whenever I spoke about Marisol, or Ana, Chris was always part of the conversation. I didn’t really talk about them as partners, more like babysitters.”
“And looking back does that analysis make sense to you?” Frank asked carefully.
Eddie nodded and put his head down in defeat “I just hate that I’ve been treating women like this. But it feels right, it didn’t feel like Bobby was lying to me. I don’t know how to have a relationship where I’m not considering Chris.”
“How about one where you’re not only considering Chris? What sort of relationship comes to mind if you think of someone you’d be happy with, not someone picked to be a mother?” Frank set his pen down “In fact, for the purpose of this experiment, pretend Chris isn’t part of the picture.” Frank held his hands up to stop Eddies protest “I know, I know he will always be a part of the picture. But let’s just for five minutes focus on you and not Chris. It’s not selfish to have five minutes.”
Eddie swallowed hard.
“I want you to close your eyes, and picture what you want, not who, but what. Try to see if feeling attraction is even an option to you, and if it is, try to visualise what that attraction is”
Eddie looked hard at Frank before letting his shoulders fall with an exhale, and closed his eyes.
“Now, tell me about sex. You say you enjoy the pleasure, but that the rest of it is just what it is. Is there anything that you think might help improve that?”
Eddie kept his eyes closed, nothing but blackness. “I don’t know. I just have sex because that’s what people in relationships do.”
“Are you ever the one to initiate it? Or is it just something you go along with?”
Eddie shrugs “I haven’t really thought about it. Marisol liked it in the morning so I guess I just got used to that, sex was in the morning.”
“Like a chore in the relationship? The same way you take the trash out to the curb on Thursdays?”
“Fridays.” Eddie corrected, not sure why he felt the need to specify, eyes still closed “But yeah, I guess so. I’ve never really consciously thought about it like that.”
Frank nodded and Eddie could hear the pen scraping across the page. “Now, can you visualise what you would be looking for, if sex was something you wanted to initiate. What would you be looking for in a sexual partner?”
Eddie shrugged “I don’t know.”
“Could you try for me, Eddie?” Frank pushed “Do they look like the women you’ve dated before, like your ex wife?”
Eddie shuffled uncomfortably “I don’t really picture anything.” he said.
“What about feeling, does it feel like someone like Marisol, or Ana, would be that person.”
“No.” Eddie still had his eyes closed “But I don’t know who would.”
“Alright.” Frank spoke “you can open your eyes.”
Eddie followed directions and sat up straight on the couch. Somehow feeling worse for wear despite not actually uncovering anything. “What was that for?”
Frank put his pen down and placed it and the notepad to the table on his right. “I am not making any assumptions and I apologise if you think this is an inappropriate question, but have you always been secure in your sexuality?”
“My sexuality?” Eddie immediately felt defensive “I’ve always, it’s always been women, they’re it for me.”
“That’s fine, if they’re it for you than that is your truth, I only ask because I have had patients with similar sexual concerns in the past that have had revelations about their sexuality later in life. And sexuality is not just Gay or Straight, or Bisexual, there is a whole spectrum of words that might help you understand why you’re feeling this way.” Frank released the lock on his wheelchair and moved towards a console table near his door that had a rack on pamphlets. He thumbed a few out and wheeled back over to Eddie. “Just take a read of a few of these, and try that exercise again, try to picture what you want sexually, and if you even want anything sexually. Not having those feelings is normal, you don’t have to have sex to be normal.”
Eddie took the pamphlets reluctantly. “What do I do then, if this is how I feel? How can I ever have a normal relationship?”
Frank sighed “Normal was a bad word on my part. I try my best not to use it. Finding the person for you is important, and if they don’t understand that sort of you then they’re not for you.”
“And what if I get it wrong, what if I do want to have sex with someone? I enjoy pleasure.” The pamphlets wrinkle in Eddies palms.
“Do you masturbate?” Frank asked without warning.
“I-What?” Eddie felt blindsided.
“Do you masturbate? Seek out pleasure for yourself? Touch yourself?” Frank asked again.
“I didn’t need a definition.” Eddie grumbled. “Yes. What’s that got to do with it?”
Frank nodded. “So you seek out that pleasure with yourself, it’s not unheard of that people don’t want it with other people. What do you think about when you’re doing it?”
Eddie sat uncomfortably “I don’t know, stuff.”
“The women you’re with? An attractive person you saw in the grocery store? Porn?” Frank retrieved his notes from the table.
“Porn, I guess… I read sometimes.” Eddie admitted.
“And what do you read? What helps you”
“Do I really need to go over this?” Eddie felt like his whole body had gone red.
Frank shook his head “You don’t need to tell me anything, but I can’t help you if you keep it to yourself, it’s how therapy works.”
Eddie sighed “I focus on the stuff I can relate to, men receiving pleasure.”
Frank looked down at his notepad and wrote for what felt like an eternity, but was really only a few seconds. “Do you find yourself wishing, or picturing yourself as the male subject receiving, or giving the pleasure in those scenarios?”
“Both, I guess. It depends how I…” Eddie trailed off. “Why does this matter?”
“I am not a sex therapist, Eddie. But it might be worth seeing one.” Frank admitted “I’ll admit this is not the advice I’m used to giving. I want you to read those pamphlets and let me know next week how it goes. If you want to talk to someone more in depth about this part of you who is experienced, I can refer you to some colleagues, however it won’t be covered by the department the way this one is.”
Eddie nodded “What do I do about Christopher? If I’m like… this? He needs a mother.” Eddie felt defeated.
“Did he tell you that? Or are you simply trying to give him what you think he needs?” Frank closed his notepad.
“I haven’t asked.” Eddie admitted.
“Perhaps you should. It might make the way you approach relationships change if you know what he’s expecting from you.”
Eddie stood up. “Thank you, Frank.”
“It’s no problem.” He smiled “Schedule with Kyle out front for your next session. See you next week.”
>•<>•<
Eddie wasn’t proud of the way he stuffed the pamphlets into his glovebox the moment he left Frank’s office. He was straight, he just kept choosing the wrong woman.
One thing he agreed with was that he needed to speak to Chris, about what he was expecting.
Eddie pulled out his phone and shot a text off to Janie, Logan’s mom, she was due to collect Chris from school today and take him to hers, as Eddie wasn’t sure he’d feel up to doing much after therapy.
‘Change of plans, want chris home this afternoon, apologise to logan. Will let him on PS5 later after homework if they want to game.’
It took Janie eight minutes to reply, and Eddie was already driving towards the school.
The voice of Siri filled his truck “Message From: Janie Porter. It reads: ‘That’s fine, thanks for letting me know.’ Would you like to reply?”
“No thanks.” He spoke to his phone.
“Okay.” Siri closed out.
LA traffic was always a mess this time of day, Eddie just prayed that he would get to the school without witnessing an incident, and get to the school he did at 3:15, with five minutes to spare. He pulled up in a disabled bay that was miraculously empty and hopped out, pulling his phone out of his pocket and shooting off a text to Christopher.
‘Sorry kid, you’re with me today 😎’
He knew Chris would check his phone the second he got out of class, he hated how glued to it the 13 year old was, but getting him a phone this year made him feel so much more secure about him being a teenager in LA.
A few minutes later he heard the bell trill out through the school, parents started getting out of cars for the younger kids, most parents of eighth graders waited in their cars, but Eddie was still clutching to the last threads of Christopher’s childhood before he started high school next year.
Chris was never one of the first out, but he was never last. After the initial flood of kids came out the front doors, Eddie spotted Christopher’s friend group breach the exit of the school, Logan was followed by Penny and Noah, Christopher was flanked by Joseph and Kayla, with Addie and Lucie in the back. Eddie waved at the group, just in case Chris hadn’t seen his text. Noah and Kayla spotted him and waved, patting Christopher’s arm and pointing. Chris waved and continued to speak to his friends for a few minutes before everyone split towards their buses or parents.
“Hey, buddy” Eddie tousled his hair and walked around to the passenger side, opening up the door and taking Chris’ bags and crutches from him, tossing them into the back seat. “How was school?” He stepped out of the way, letting Chris get into the car before shutting the door.
“It was good.” Chris pulled his phone out of his pocket and buckled himself in “Thought you had a work thing?” he unlocked his phone.
“Finished early.” Eddie turned the keys over and the truck rumbled to life. “Figured we could get some food and hang out, where do you wanna go?”
Chris looked up from his phone “Is Buck working?”
“Nah, but I just want it to be you and me tonight, I wanna have a talk.” Eddie indicated left out of the school.
“Oooh a talk.” Christopher teased and smiled “Am I grounded?”
“No,” Eddie laughed “Nothing like that, bud.”
“Okay, then pizza.” Chris said matter-of-factly.
“Order in, or restaurant?” Eddie stopped at the traffic lights.
“The place with the stonebake?” Chris asked
Eddie's brows knitted together before remembering “Oh yeah, Giacomo’s”
“Giacomo’s!” Chris nodded.
“Wanna head there now or go home first and get it a bit later?” Eddie pulled away when the lights went green, both their house and Giacomo’s currently in the same direction.
“Now,” Chris patted his stomach “Fish day at school today” He grimaced “Noah had mine and I just had fries.”
“Alright, but you need to remind me about fish day so I can make you sandwiches. Can’t keep paying for stuff Noah’s eating.” Eddie smiled.
“At least it’s not wasted.” Chris pointed out.
“Don’t be smart.” Eddie couldn’t hold back his smile “Or you get bologna every day.”
“No!” Chris protested. “I’ll ask Miss Kilmer for the schedule.”
“Thanks.” Eddie pushed the boys shoulder gently. “Off to Giacomo's!”
>•<>•<
“So how did it go with your son? Did you find out what he wanted?” Frank began their second session.
Eddie sat opposite Frank again a week later. “Yeah, I took him for pizza and asked him what he expected when I started dating.”
“And how did it go?” Frank poised his pen.
“Well…”
>•<>•<
“So I wanted to talk about Marisol, and Ana…” Eddie said as he pocketed Christopher’s phone, having taken it away for dinner.
The waitress set down two glasses of water and took their order - one large All-Meat Pizza with a size of mac and cheese (that kid couldn’t go anywhere that had mac and cheese without ordering it) and some breadsticks - before leaving them alone.
“What about them?” Chris picked up a warm breadstick and picked it apart, Eddie passed him the olive oil.
“What did you… expect from them when I was with them?”
“I thought you’d marry Ana.” Christopher shrugged “But I was eleven and thought that’s what happened when dads got girlfriends.” he dipped his bread in the olive oil.
“And did you want me to marry Ana?” Eddie asked carefully
Christopher shrugged again “She was nice, still is nice, but you seemed happier without her.” He began to eat his bread.
“How about Marisol?” Eddie took a breadstick and bit down about a 1/3 of it.
Christopher, continuing his theme of shrugging at everything Eddie said “She was just, there.” He chewed on his bread. “I liked her, but she didn’t feel permanent, like family.”
Eddie swallowed his bread, and shuffled the basket out of the way when the waitress arrived with a large pizza and metal stand. He smiled and thanked her.
He cut the pizza into slices before asking “Did you want Marisol to feel like family? Do you want that? Family?”
Chris looked confused and took a slice of pizza “I have family.”
“I mean like, a mom… or someone like that…” Eddie took his own slice of pizza, despite not really having an appetite.
“I have a mom.” Chris put his pizza down “I don’t need another.”
“I know, I don’t mean to replace mom,” Eddie stressed “I just want to make sure you have everything you need, a complete family.”
“I have more family than anyone I know.” Christopher smiled “Abuelita, Tia Pepa, The 118,” He picked up his pizza “Chimney, Hen, Denny.” He mentioned his friend “Bobby and Athena.”
“Yeah I guess you do.” Eddie smiled “But most kids have two parents. Don’t you want me to find someone so that you can have that.”
Chris resumed his shrugging “I feel like I still have two parents.” He bit his pizza “Three including mom.”
“Don’t talk with your mouth full.” Eddie scolded. “Three?”
Christopher smiled and swallowed his food before speaking again, the waitress returned with the bowl of Mac’n’Cheese that Eddie had forgotten about “Bucks chaperoned more school trips than you, dad”
Eddie froze for a second before recovering. “Buck? I didn’t know you… It makes sense I guess.”
Christopher nodded, taking a spoonful of pasta and cheese “You’re my dad, but he’s sort of like one too. Like how Buck calls Bobby ‘Pops’ sometimes, but he’s not his dad.”
“Yeah, I see.” Eddie smirked and snatched a forkful of pasta.
“Dad!” Christopher protested
>•<>•<
“So he doesn’t need you to find him a mother, because he has everything he needs.” Frank pointed out.
“Yeah, I guess so. I just didn’t know he saw Buck like that.” Eddie admitted.
“You must feel good about that, after all you did change your will to include Evan Buckley as his guardian if anything was to happen to you, if I'm remembering correctly?” Frank had remembered Eddie talking about it after the shooting “I suppose this must have been what you were aiming for.”
“I didn’t… It didn’t occur to me that even without it happening, that Christopher saw him as a father figure.”
Frank nodded “And does that bother you? That he see’s another man as a father alongside yourself?”
“No.” Eddie responded fast “Maybe if it had been someone other than Buck,” He trailed off.
“But because it’s Buck, it’s okay?” Frank took more notes.
Eddie nodded.
“So where does this leave you, now that you know you don’t need to find a mother for Christopher, how do you see your dating life playing out from here?”
Eddie looked past Frank, to the pamphlet table.
“Did you take a look at any of the pamphlets?” Frank asked
Eddie shook his head “I don’t really feel like I need anything- Anyone.” Eddie admitted. “I went on tinder to scroll through and see about getting a date after I spoke to Christopher, but none of them appealed to me. They didn’t have anything I was looking for.”
Frank nodded. “Not even sexually?” He asked.
Eddie shrugged again, making a mental note of where Chris got that habit from. “I’ve, you know… Since last week… But I don’t feel like I need a woman to get me there.”
“What about someone who isn’t a woman?” Frank asked carefully.
“I told you last week-“ Eddie started defensively.
“You told me that the pornography you consume to help get yourself there was mostly based on the pleasure of the man.” Frank continued.
“Yeah, because I can relate to it.” Eddie fought back. “I don’t only watch gay porn because that’s what I want, I just-“ Eddie stuttered and flushed, realizing he’d admitted to the porn he watched being exclusively men.
Frank took more notes “I’m not trying to tell you who you are, Eddie.” He looked up from his notepad “I am trying to help you.”
Eddie bit down on his bottom lip, just hard enough that it hurt but not hard enough to draw blood.
“Listen, I am not saying that you’re gay, Eddie. I am saying that sexuality is fluid. Watching gay porn does not make you gay, in fact a large percentage of straight men admit to watching it for exactly the reasons you have described, because it’s relatable. All those stories you hear of men ending up in hospital with shampoo bottles or other things in their rectum that they “slipped and fell on”, a higher percentage of those men are are straight than they are gay.”
“Percentages” Eddie scoffed.
“Nobody can tell you who you are, Firefighter Diaz. And I've said that I'm not qualified in sex therapy, so I’m trying my best to help.”
“I know.” Eddie exhaled shakily. “I just, can’t be.”
“Can’t be what?” Frank put his pen down and notepad to the side.
“Gay. Interested in men like that.” His fingers dug into his thighs.
Frank sighed “And why do you feel that you can’t be?”
“Because of who I am.” Eddie flung a hand out and shouted “I’m Catholic, I’m a third generation Mexican in America, I’m a father.”
“Which one of those things is stopping you?” Frank wove his fingers together in his lap.
“I-“ Eddie looked around the room. “None of them, maybe the Catholic part. I know Mexicans can be gay, I know gay people can have children… Hen is one of my closest friends in the world and I love Karen. And Buck- Buck is bisexual and he’s one of the greatest men I know.”
“Read the pamphlets, Eddie.” Frank asked “This is for you.”
“Okay.” Eddie breathed out.
“Do you need more?” Frank unlocked his chair.
Eddie shook his head “They’re in my glove compartment. I’ll read them.”
Frank smiled “I know this isn’t what you were expecting. But if you want to get to the bottom of why you’re feeling like this in relationships, you need to explore every avenue, even if it just leads to you realizing that you don’t want to be in one.”
Eddie nodded “I’m sorry,” He stood up “For raising my voice.”
“It wasn’t the first time, it won’t be the last.” Frank smiled.
>•<>•<
Eddie pulled up to his house and opened the glove compartment, the semi-scrunched up pamphlets expanding out of the space they were stuck in. He took a deep breath and grabbed them, before racing out of his truck and up to his door, not wanting a neighbor to stop him and see the offending papers. The last thing he needed was for his neighbors to make assumptions about him before he understood anything himself, if there was even anything to understand.
Christopher was staying a Logan’s tonight, Eddie had promised him after cancelling their ‘playdate’ (Christopher kept reminding him that he was too old to call it playdates now, but Eddie refused to let the word go until he finishes Elementary School) last Friday, that he could stay there tonight, and Janie said she didn’t mind taking the boys to the pier tomorrow.
That had given Eddie the house to himself until 6-7pm tomorrow evening to do the assigned homework. He dropped the crumpled pamphlets on his coffee table and headed to his kitchen, grabbing a beer from the fridge and twisting the cap off, throwing it in the trash before walking back into the living room and sitting down onto the couch. He leant forward and spread the papers out, reading the titles one by one.
‘Exploring Your Sexuality: It’s Healthy!’
‘What Does It Mean to Be LGBTQ+’
‘Queer Isn’t A Dirty Word’
‘____ -Sexual. Where Do I Fit?”
Eddie felt a little stick as took another big gulp of beer and moved to pick up the first one, the bold blue title of the one beneath it causing him to freeze.
‘I Think I Might Be Gay?’
Eddie dropped the one in his hand and pushed all of the pamphlets away.
“This is ridiculous,” He muttered to himself “stupid. I like women, I’ve always liked women.”
Buck had always just liked women too. The thought invaded his mind without his consent
He was sure he wasn’t into men, not like that. Not at all. The porn he watched was just to help him get off, to relate to the pleasure they’re feeling not because he wanted that.
Eddie shut his eyes tight and ran his hands over his face. He grabbed the pamphlets back and threw his body against the back of the couch.
‘I Think I Might Be Gay?’
>•<>•<
“So, did you take a look at the pamphlets?” Frank asked as he placed a glass of water on the table in front of Eddie before manoeuvring to his usual spot.
“Yeah, a couple of them.” Eddie picked at the thread of the cushion he’d pulled into his lap.
Frank retrieved his notebook “And did they help?” He clicked the pen.
Eddie shook his head “Not really.”
Frank ‘hmm’d’ and wrote something down. “But I’m sensing something helped?” He didn’t look up from his notes.
Eddie didn’t make a noise and Frank looked up to see him looking out the window.
“Eddie?” Frank nudged.
Without looking away from the view of LA, he responded “Yeah, you weren’t wrong about me.”
>•<>•<
Eddie turned on the shredder and fed the pamphlets through one by one. He had read all of them and hated them way they made him feel.
He glanced up at the clock.
5:25pm blinked back at him.
Flicking the switch off as he stood, he grabbed the keys to his truck from the dish by the door and left.
6:31 changed swiftly to 6:32 on his trucks clock, He had been driving around LA for little over an hour before he pulled into a familiar street, not far from where his Tia Pepa and his Abuela live.
The church came into view fast, its medieval looking spires piercing the sky as the evenings hues changed from bright blues to purples, oranges, and reds.
Eddie indicated into the parking lot, pulling up beside a white Tesla. He cringed as he re-adjusted his truck, trying not to ding the expensive car beside him.
Inside the church was like any church he’d been in, despite Pepa and his Abuela going to this church weekly, he’d never stepped foot in it, apart from dropping Chris off a few times when Abuela had demanded his presence, he’d never really considered it.
He hadn’t been a practicing Catholic since he was a child, but he knew after the nun incident that there was a lot of un-addressed guilt when it came to his faith, and todays therapy session and those fucking pamphlets had brought some of it bubbling to the surface.
A woman was sat in a pew near the back. Eddie had no idea why he was even here. He looked over to the confessionary and swallowed. He had nothing to ask forgiveness for, even if he was that way inclined, it was nothing god needed his apology for. It was nothing that required forgiveness in his eyes.
But then, why did his chest feel crushed at the thought of considering it?
>•<>•<
“So you went to church?” Frank scribbled notes down. “Did that help?”
Eddie shook his head “It confused me more, I didn’t even want to be there. I left fast.”
Frank nodded “So, what was it that helped?”
Eddie swallowed, feeing vulnerable “I went to see Buck.”
>•<>•<
7:45pm flashed off of his trucks clock as he turned the engine off in the parking lot opposite Buck’s apartment building. He exhaled shakily before leaving the truck and making his way out of the lot and across the road, which was exceptionally quiet for a Friday night, especially for the more modern, less suburban area that Buck lived in.
He entered through the stylized outer doors into the secure lobby that housed the mail boxes, and walked up to the more industrial styled internal door, typing in the door code hoping it hadn’t changed since he last used it (Usually Buck texted him when it updated, but the last few times he’d been here he’d arrived with Buck.) The door buzzed loudly signalling the code was right, and Eddie pushed through.
There was nothing special about the internal lobby other than the desk that sat the security guard, he was a newer addition when the door was broken a few months ago, but Eddie had already come to recognise him. He nodded a greeting and headed over to the elevator, pressing the button that would take him up to Bucks floor.
Eddie played with the key on his chain as the elevator landed on the 8th floor, he didn’t often let himself into Bucks, the same way Buck never really let himself into Eddies despite both of them being welcome anytime. He pocketed the key and disembarked the elevator and headed down the hall to Bucks loft.
Knocking three times, it only took Buck a few seconds to get to the door.
In those few seconds, Eddie considered how he hadn’t warned Buck he was coming and had no idea if he had any visitors, or even if he was home. As far as he knew he wasn’t seeing anyone, his relationship with Tommy ended up being short lived purely because of their work schedules, they never seemed to line up and as much as they had enjoyed getting to know each other, they ended up preferring their relationship as a friendship , as that was all they really had time for.
Eddie couldn’t relate, the women he had dated recently had normal schedules, his was always the one that was the problem.
The door swung open and Buck looked momentarily confused, Eddie felt bad in the milliseconds it took Bucks eyebrows to unfurrow and his lips to curl into a smile.
“Eddie,” He greeted “did I forget we had plans?” suddenly concern passed his features.
“Nah.” Eddie said, quieter than he normally would “I just, I don’t know.”
“You good?” Buck stepped to the side and let Eddie in, closing the door behind him.
Eddie shrugged and made his way over to Bucks liquor cart, picking up the tequila and walking over to where buck kept his glasses.
“Guess that’s a no.” Buck walked over as Eddie poured out a double into one of the glasses and drank it down. Buck took the bottle of tequila and capped it.
“I’m fine.” Eddie put the glass into the sink. “Just don’t know if I can talk about this sober, is all.”
“Talk about what?” Buck furrowed his brow and leant against the kitchen island.
“I’ve been talking to Frank the past two weeks.”
>•<>•<
“So you told him about our sessions?” Frank crossed his hands over each other.
“I didn’t go into detail. I just wanted to know.” He picked at the thread he’d pulled loose from the seam of the cushion he kept on his lap.
“Know?” Frank questioned.
“How it felt.” He breathed shakily.
>•<>•<
“So, you think you might..?” Buck asked after Eddie went over the basics "Be into more than just women?"
“I don’t know, I don’t think so?” Eddie was sat at the breakfast bar now “I’ve never even thought about it.”
“I hadn’t either, I actually said to Maddie about checking out hot guys asses being normal.” He chuckled. “Which is normal by the way, if you like guys. I didn't know until Tommy kissed me” He swallowed. "Other than what Frank said, is there anything else that might indicate?"
“I, I don’t know. Until last week I didn’t even think about it” Eddie put his head in his hands.
Buck sighed and sat beside him on the breakfast bar “Listen, I'm not an expert in any of this, I don’t know how to help.” Buck admitted. “But I’m here for you, and I can try my best.”
“Did you watch… do you watch…” Eddie stuttered.
“Watch?” Buck prodded the question.
“It’s so embarrassing.” Eddie sighed.
Buck chuckled “Safe space, I’m not here to judge.”
Eddie looked at the wall.
“Would more tequila help?” Buck joked.
Eddie shook his head “Nah,” He took a deep breath. “I just, I spoke to Frank about attraction, I don’t think I have that, at least I didn’t really for Marisol, or even Ana. I couldn’t tell you with Shannon, maybe during school but after, when we drifted apart… I really don’t know.”
“Attraction?” Buck explored “To women?”
Eddie shook his head “I can see that they’re attractive, I know they’re attractive.” He explained “But… Sexually…” Eddie said shakily “I think I’m broken, Buck.”
>•<>•<
“Broken?” Frank queried “In what way?”
“I don’t think I’m gay.” Eddie admitted “I considered it, I read the pamphlet.”
“That’s fine, as I said I wasn’t saying you were.” Frank reminded him “Did Buck help?”
Eddie nodded.
>•<>•<
“You’re not broken because you’re not sexually attracted to people.” Buck put us hand on Eddies shoulder.
“But that’s the thing, I think I am, just not…” Eddie swallowed “Not who I’m supposed to be attracted to.”
“What do you mean?” Concern still plastered on Bucks face as he squeezed his friend’s shoulder again.
Eddie shut his eyes and tried to regulate his breathing. He needed Buck to stop touching him.
Eddie stood up, shaking Bucks hand off his shoulder and heading towards the door. “I need to go home.”
Buck was quick to stand and follow him “You can’t drive, Eddie.”
“I’ll call an Uber, I’m sorry. I’ll see you at work.” Eddie opened Bucks apartment door and left.
>•<>•<
“Why do you think you needed him to stop touching you?” Frank settled his pen on his pad.
“I don’t think anything,” Eddie admitted “I know why.”
“Do you want to tell me why?” Frank picked up the pen again.
Eddie had ruined the cushion at this point, a small hole appearing where he pulled at the thread. He’d take it to Abuela if Frank allowed him, to have her repair it.
“I think I’m attracted to Buck.” The room felt smaller, it wasn’t the first time he’d realised it, but it was the first time saying it out loud. "No, I know I am"
“I have to ask,” Frank said as he wrote notes “Do you think this is because of Christopher?”
“Christopher?” Eddie looked confused “What would he have to do with it?”
Frank spoke carefully “You have said yourself that in the past, you’ve chosen your romantic relationships based on looking for a parent for Christopher, two weeks ago he told you that he thinks of Evan Buckley as a parent, last week you discovered that you’re attracted to him, and today you're saying it out loud. You see how these things might connect?”
Eddie nodded. “You had this idea of me in our first session, that I wasn’t 100% straight. And now you’re telling me that realizing I have feelings for my best friend is because of Christopher?”
“You didn’t say you had feelings for him.” Frank pointed out “You said you were attracted to him.”
Eddie’s eyes widened slightly “I-“
“I’d like to try our experiment from a few weeks ago again.”
“Close my eyes?” Eddie assumed.
“Yes.” Frank confirmed and Eddie obeyed. “This time I would like to you picture Buck,” Eddie nodded “What immediately comes to your mind when you think of him?”
“Trust, reliability.” Eddie smiled slightly “Fear.” his smile faltered.
“Fear for yourself, or for Buck?” Eddie could hear the pen scratching.
“Both, my stomach hurts” He clenched the cushion “Three minutes and seventeen seconds.” Eddie said shakily. “I lost him.”
“When he was struck by lightning last year?” Frank asked, Eddie nodded.
“So, this fear is based around losing him?” Eddie nodded again “Alright. And your feelings for him, what are those translating to?”
“My chest aches.” Eddie admitted “It’s like somethings in there and I can’t get to it.”
“And when you think of his hand on your shoulder?” Frank probed.
Eddie could feel his neck warm up “I don’t…” He opened his eyes and looked at Frank “I think I want him to keep touching me.”
Frank nodded and wrote more notes, before putting the pad on the table beside him.
“I admit, this has been very out of my realm of expertise, Eddie. But I've spoken to a colleague who specialises in sex therapy. There’s a lot about sexuality that I don’t understand and don’t know about, but from what you’re describing, it sounds like something called Demisexuality. It’s on the spectrum of asexuality and only recently been recognised more.”
“Demisexuality?” Eddie questioned. “I’ve heard of asexuality, it was in one of the pamphlets” He confirmed
“It’s when someone does feel sexual attraction, but it takes a deep personal bond to feel it. A bond like you share with your best friend.”
“So it’s not real?” Eddie felt somewhat defeated. “It’s just because he’s my friend?”
“No,” Frank shook his head “It might just be the most real thing you’ve ever experienced in terms of sexuality and relationships.”
“How do I get over it?” Eddie sighed.
“Get over it?” Frank looked confused.
“He’s my best friend, my partner. I’m not risking everything we have just because I finally want someone to touch me.” Eddie said firmly.
Frank sighed deeply “I think you need to talk to him.”
“I’m not going to.” Eddie laughed, painfully. “He’s too important to me, to Christopher.”
“And you don’t think there’s any chance the feelings could be mutual?” Frank unlocked his chair and moved over to his desk.
“I, I don’t think it’s worth finding out.”
“You will make your own choices regardless of what I say, Eddie.” Frank shuffled items around in his desk drawer and made a sound of success, before wheeling back over.
“What’s that?” Eddie questioned.
“A sewing kit.” he motioned to the cushion Eddie had carved a hole in “I’ve become good at sewing.” He put it down on the table. “Things around here get broken all the time, but I find they can almost always be fixed.”
Eddie rolled his eyes “Some things aren’t as easy as stitching a cushion.” Eddie threw it to the side “This could change my life, my son’s life, and if it doesn’t go well… I couldn’t even handle the thought of losing him for three minutes and seventeen seconds. I can’t imagine a lifetime without him, it’s selfish.”
Frank nodded “And what is a lifetime with him, if you’re denying yourself?”
>•<>•<
Eddie hung up his turnouts as the B-Shift filtered into the firehouse. He hadn’t been back to Frank for 3 weeks, deciding to stop wasting his department issued therapy allowance on something he couldn’t fix about himself.
He hadn’t even looked into Demisexuality after their last session, it didn’t matter. He would find someone he could be fine with, if he could form this connection once, twice if he included his original relationship with Shannon, he could find it again with someone that wouldn’t destroy him if it failed. If they didn’t feel that way back.
“Hey Eddie,” Buck slung his gym bag across his body “Wanna grab a beer?”
Eddie picked up his own bag “Nah not tonight, sorry bud” He put on a smile “Maybe another time.”
“You avoiding me?” Buck sounded hurt “It’s been weeks since we’ve hung out, just us.”
Eddie shook his head “I’m not, I just have plans with Christopher. Life’s busy, Buck.”
“But you don’t,” Hurt was still on Buck’s tone “have plans with Chris, that is. I know he’s in El Paso with Pepa this week.”
“Buck, I…” Eddie felt like running. “I just can’t.”
“Fine.” Buck grunted and turned around to leave “I’ll stop asking.”
“Buck.” Eddies voice came out hoarse, but the younger man didn’t turn back.
Eddie hit his palm against the red metal mesh of his turnout cubby and cursed under his breath. “Fuck.”
Three minutes and seventeen seconds.
The digital display on his alarm clock felt like it was lighting up his bedroom room at 3:17am. He couldn’t sleep, he hadn’t been sleeping.
He shut his eyes tight and pictured Buck. A habit that was all too frequent in the last three weeks since he’d revealed to Frank that he was attracted to his best friend. His hand snaked under the comforter and rested atop his boxers. He hadn’t let himself touch himself properly, it felt wrong and intrusive to touch himself whilst thinking of his best friend, violating almost. But it didn’t stop him wishing the hand that ghosted atop his boxers belonged to someone else. The desire almost hurt.
3:18am
He opened his eyes, and grabbed his phone, shooting a text off to Buck before he could think twice.
‘I’m so sorry.’
He turned his phone off and let his hand rip his boxers off, kicking them down his legs just enough to take himself in his hand and start stroking. He shut his eyes tight and thought of Buck, thought of his blue eyes and the shape of his jaw. He thought of him shirtless, he’d seen him shirtless enough times to remember where each muscle dimpled, the black ink that snaked around his body. It wasn’t long before Eddie reached his climax. He breathed hard into his pillow, trying not to think of the mess on his sheets and shirt.
3:26am
He couldn’t sleep like this. He needed to find the energy to get out of bed.
3:42am
Sheets stripped, shirt off and boxers back on, Eddie made his way into the bathroom, twisting the knob on his shower, turning the second knob down to cold.
His thumbs hooked the waistband of his boxers and began to pull them down when the thumping started at his door.
“Eddie” He heard the muffled voice “I’m coming in.”
Eddie panicked as he heard keys in his door, he pulled his boxers back up looked around the bathroom desperately for something to cover up.
He heard the door open.
“Eddie?!” Bucks panicked voice echoed through his house as he called his name "Eddie?"
In a panic, Eddie slammed the bathroom door shut and pushed against it.
“I’m in the bathroom” He choked out as he heard Buck get closer to the door
“Are you okay?” Bucks voice sounded worse up close, scared.
“Why are you here?” He was shaking.
“What the hell do you mean ‘Why am I here?’” The voice, though still sounding scared, now sounded angry.
“I- I don’t know.” The shower was still running behind him.
“You text me ‘I’m so sorry’ at 3am Eddie, why wouldn’t I be here?!” He sounded even angrier.
Eddie exhaled and turned around, shutting the shower off. His hand was still shaking as he twisted the knob. “I’m sorry.”
Buck looked him up and down, taking in his appearance. “You’re okay?” He let out a shaky breath.
Eddie nodded and moved past him, towards the bedroom. Buck followed. Eddie grabbed some sweats from the floor and pulled them on, along with a clean shirt from his dresser. He turned around to see Buck looking somewhat confused at his stripped bed and pile of sheets beside it.
“I didn’t mean to worry you.” Eddie wanted to get out of the bedroom, away from naked bed and the stained sheets on the floor. He tried to get past Buck who was stood in the doorway, but was stopped by a hand on his chest.
“Why the hell did you text me that at 3am and expect not to worry me?” Buck laughed, painfully “That’s the kind of shit suicidal people do, Eddie.”
Eddie took a step back, he hadn't even considered that the text could have been read like that. He looked properly at Buck and saw the dark rings around his eyes, his eyelids red.
“I- I didn’t.” Eddie stuttered “I would never.”
“That’s a relief.” Buck raised his hand to his messy hair, which was curly without product in it, and ran his fingers through it. Eddie could smell the sandalwood soap from here. He rarely got to see Buck like this, ungroomed. “Why were you apologising?”
“I… Can we please go through to the kitchen, please?” Eddie knew he sounded like he was begging.
“Yeah, sure. Anything.” Buck moved out of the way, eyes still lingering on the bed, the sheets.
“I really didn’t mean to scare you.” Eddie put a glass under the facet and filled it up, before gulping the entire glass down instantly.
“Are you going to tell me why you decided to make me break at least 500 traffic laws at 3am?” Buck smiled and sat down.
“I’m sorry.” Eddie filled the glass again.
“Yeah, we’ve covered that.” Eddie could hear the slight irritation in Bucks tone. “Why are you feeling so apologetic in the middle of the night?”
Eddie could just say nothing, ask Buck to leave and forget about it. But it was in that moment that he realised that doing that would be the same as telling him why. Either way he risks losing him. Losing him for longer than three minutes and seventeen seconds.
“It was a violation, an abuse of our friendship.” He said into the sink, not turning to look at Buck.
“What was?” Buck asked carefully.
“I should never have gone to Frank.” Eddie said quietly.
“Frank?” Buck sounded confused “What does going to Frank have to do with…” He heard Buck take a sharp intake of breath. “Not who you were supposed to be attracted to.” He recalled what Eddie had said weeks before.
“I’ve tried to ignore it.” Eddie continued to speak to the sink. “But tonight, I just needed to feel it.”
“Me?” Buck said quietly, and watched as Eddie nodded “Why didn’t you say anything?” Buck swallowed.
“I couldn’t. I can’t lose you.” Eddie turned to Buck. “It’s selfish.”
Buck nodded “I care about you, Eddie.”
“I love you, Buck.” Eddie said before he realised what he was really saying. He felt the blood rush from his face when it registered.
“You… Love?” Buck swallowed dryly “Love?”
Eddie didn’t react. Buck stood up.
“Eddie…” Buck carefully touched his hand, taking it carefully. “Speak, please.”
“I’m sorry.” Eddie spoke
“Stop fucking apologising.” Buck pushed forward and kissed him.
>•<>•<
“It’s been two months since I last saw you, Firefighter Diaz.” Frank smiled. “How have you been doing?”
“Better.” Eddie smiled “I decided to take your advice.”
“Oh?” Frank queried.
“Well, not intentionally.” Eddie admitted.
Frank nodded “And what advice was that?”
Eddie gently ran his finger across the stitching that closed the hole he’d bore into the cushion at his last session. “I spoke to Buck.”
Frank smiled “And how did that go?”
Eddie looked up from the cushion and smiled “I don’t think I’m broken anymore.”