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In Buck's defense, he doesn’t mean to ask this question right then. It just slips out. He's lying in the big, strong arms of his very hot, amazing boyfriend, both sweaty and still breathless. He’s blissed out and fucked out, and so content and still dizzy after a mindblowing orgasm. So he doesn’t have a lot of control over his thoughts and words right now. So he surprises even himself when the question flies out of him.
“Do you want to have children?” he asks casually, absentmindedly playing with their intertwined fingers where they’re splayed on his chest, as he lays on his back, Tommy pressed to his side.
“What?” Tommy asks, surprise and even shock evident in his voice, and only then Buck realizes what he said, and he feels his eyes widen and face starts to burn, and he stares at the ceiling, but feels Tommy’s gaze on the side of his head.
“I- I- I mean, like ever, some day, down the line- not like- I mean, you know, I- I just thought we should talk about it if- if- if it’s going where I hope it’s going- because I- we’ve been together for a while and I hope that- I think I-” he starts rambling and stumbling over his words, panicking just a little bit. Fuck, they’ve been doing so good the past few months, it’s honestly his best relationship he’s been in, and now he goes and screws it up by being too much, too soon, too serious- “Sorry, this is fast, I probably just freaked you out, sorry-”
“Evan.” Tommy’s free hand lands on his cheek, and he gently turns Buck’s head towards himself. He meets Tommy’s soft gaze, and relaxes a little instantly. Tommy doesn’t look freaked out, just surprised, but there’s a hint of a smile dancing on his lips. “Hey, it’s okay. You just surprised me a little, that’s all. None of my relationships really got to the stage of talking about it, and if I tried, they freaked out. So I didn’t want to bring it up too soon, but you’re right, it is something to discuss. What spurred this on right now?” he asks, thumb gently moving along Buck’s cheek.
“Uh, I don’t know. I’ve been thinking lately.” Buck shrugs, looking down at their fingers. “With Hen and Karen adopting Mara, and with watching Jee grow up, and Christopher, too, and just- just being with you and thinking about the future, and I just- I don’t know.” he repeats with a sigh. Tommy’s hand is still on his cheek, and Buck brings his eyes back to his face, to that easy smile that always makes him feel right. “It’s been four months, and maybe it’s too early, but I think I just wanna know where you stand on this.” he whispers. The truth is, he can see himself having a future with Tommy, he- he wants to have a future with him. Who knows what’s going to happen, it’s too early to really say anything definitively, but Buck is starting to hope. It’s never happened this quickly with anyone else, he was either too young to consider it, or it felt too early on, or he just couldn’t see that future with his partners – but now he thinks he’s ready to start thinking about it. And he just wants to know if Tommy wants the same thing, because if not… well, turning back now would be heartbreaking, but after lots of thinking, after years of those hidden, concealed feelings, about so many things, he knows what he wants now. Out of this relationship, out of himself, out of life. He’s not willing to compromise it anymore. Come to think of it, they actually should’ve discussed this even sooner, so maybe doing it now is a good idea.
“Well,” Tommy’s smile gets even softer, and Buck turns his whole body to face him, wanting to properly look into his eyes as they talk about this, their still intertwined hands in between them, their legs tangled. Tommy’s thumb is rubbing soothingly over Buck’s knuckles, and it keeps him relaxed. “The answer is, I do want children.” he assures, and Buck can’t help a huge relieved smile. As much as he likes Tommy, this could’ve been a deal breaker, if they weren’t on the same page about their future.
“Yeah?” he breathes out.
“Yeah.” Tommy nods. “How about you?” he asks, a teasing smile on his face, because of course he knows the answer already. Buck is the one who brought it up, after all.
“I want that so much.” Buck whispers, feeling like he’s admitting his deepest secret, like he’s baring his soul. He’s never really had this conversation, none of his relationships went that far, either, or he just didn’t see this kind of future with some of them. This, though? He’s surprised at how fast he can see it with Tommy, how clearly he can imagine it. “I think I want to adopt. Give some child who needs it a home, you know? Safety, security, love, family.” he admits, thinking of all those children like Mara, that went through so much and don’t have a parent to love them, and how he could be that, he could do that, especially with the right partner by his side. “Actually, more than one kid. Siblings, maybe. Did you know that around sixty percent of children in foster care have a sibling in foster care, too? And fifty to eighty percent of them get separated from at least one sibling? That’s- that’s so awful, they’re left all alone with no one familiar, without parents or even siblings-” Buck stops himself before he goes on a rant. He thinks about Maddie, how he doesn’t know what he’d do without her even while living with his parents, let alone what those poor children experience. So if he had a chance to provide a loving home for even just a couple of kids, he’d do it without hesitation. He’s aware it wouldn’t be easy, that being a parent won’t be easy, and still he just has so much love to give, and all his friends who are parents inspire him so much. He really, really wants this.
“You’ve done your research, huh?” Tommy smiles, squeezes Buck’s hand.
“Yeah.” Buck smiles bashfully, looking down again, gaze landing somewhere on Tommy’s adorable cleft. He can’t help reaching out to touch it, brushing his finger over the dip, relishing in the soft but amused smile he gets in response. “I’ve been reading up lately. I just- I think this is something I’ve wanted for a long time, just didn’t let myself even think about it too much, but ever since- well, for a while now I’ve been thinking about it. Having a family.” he shrugs, cutting himself off and shaking his head, not sure if he should finish his thought, but kind of wanting to. He wants everything to be out there, no secrets, especially important stuff like this.
“Ever since what?” Tommy asks gently, perfectly fine with Buck not answering, but encouraging him to, because he can tell Tommy anything, and he’ll always listen, always be here. It’s been just a few months, but Buck doesn’t think he ever felt this secure in a romantic relationship before, not since- not since Abby, probably. He loved Abby, and she was the first woman, the first person, who made him want to settle down eventually, the first person he ever thought he could spend the rest of his life with. Now he knows it would’ve never worked out, there was too large of a gap between them, not only age-wise, but considering what they wanted out of life at that time. But he could always talk to her about anything, that’s what their relationship mostly was, talking about all the important stuff. He maybe could’ve talked to Ali, but with how little time they actually spent together, they couldn't build that trust, and the thing with Natalia was too short-lived. And Taylor… well, he’s not sure he ever fully started to trust her, not enough to see this kind of future with her – he liked her, maybe could even love, but he never thought past here and now, and neither did she. But now, this relationship with Tommy – he has a good feeling about it, and he can see an amazing future with him.
“Uh, yeah, so, I should probably tell you that I was actually a sperm donor for a friend.” Buck says, and glances at Tommy’s face for his reaction. All he gets is a surprised eyebrow raise. But he knows Tommy has a good poker face, so he’s not sure what to think. He doesn’t want to scare him off, and he realizes that he’s a lot, and his life is a lot, and it scared off enough people already. He doesn’t want this to happen again, not with Tommy, but he needs to be upfront. It would all come out eventually if their relationship continues, and Buck hopes it does – hopes this is his forever, actually.
“Oh?”
“Yeah, I have this friend, and he and his wife had trouble conceiving so they asked me.” he shrugs with one arm. “They had a baby boy. He turned one a while ago. Is this- is this weird for you?”
“Why would it be weird?” Tommy frowns, but then smiles softly, gently, almost awed. “I think doing something like this is amazing, selfless, and admirable.”
“I mean, it’s not like my part in it was a lot.” Buck shrugs with one arm again, recalling the whole ordeal and all the delays and just everything getting in the way, and okay, maybe it took a little bit of effort, actually.
“Evan.” Tommy sighs, and it sounds fond and exasperated at the same time. “I can only imagine how difficult the decision must’ve been, having a part in creating a baby, and not really being a part of their life. Just to make someone else’s dream come true, when you- well, you said this is something you’ve wanted. It couldn’t have been easy. You’re pretty awesome, you know?” he’s looking at Buck so fondly and with such awe and fondness it’s almost uncomfortable, Buck’s not used to this. He’s not used to someone just getting it, understanding what he feels without having to explain. There’s not a lot of people who get him like this, and Tommy’s known him for such a short time, and- they really just clicked. “So that prompted the realization that you want this?”
“Kind of? I mean, I tried not to think about it a lot before, but then Kameron was pregnant, and by the end I kinda got involved, and then I delivered the baby-” he starts rambling, and he knows it’s all very vague, and maybe one day soon he’ll tell Tommy the full story in detail, but right now it’s not that important.
“Of course you did.” Tommy shakes his head fondly, and then leans in to press a sweet kiss to the tip of Buck’s nose. “You’re incredible.”
“I- she gave birth on my couch.” Buck just says, face burning from the affection. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to the effect Tommy has on him. “It was cheaper to buy a new one instead of clean it. But it was an awful couch, anyway.” he adds, like it matters to the topic, and Tommy chuckles. “But it- it felt good. To be able to help them, to- to give them this, you know? But when I held that baby, their baby, I just thought, huh, I think I want this, too. Like, it hit me then, you know?” he frowns, not sure if he’s conveying it exactly how he feels. “I really want to be a parent one day. At the right time, with the right person. I want this.”
“Yeah, I get it.” Tommy says, and Buck knows he does. Once they clicked, they’ve been so in sync, and Tommy’s one of the people who just get Buck now. It feels pretty great to have a romantic partner who actually sees him. “So do I.”
“But like I said, I- I think I’d like to adopt. I really want to have a family, and to give a family to some kids who don’t have one. And I want- I want a big family.” he says almost dreamily, imagining a house full of noise and chaos and laughter, and love – almost like what he found at the 118, but more, his own, being a dad, create his own home… Something opposite to how he grew up, in silence and grief he wasn’t even aware of, haunted by a ghost he didn’t even realize was there, always present, but never acknowledged, his parents turning into ghosts stuck in the past as well. He’ll do it differently, better, just like Maddie always has, now with Jee, and even when he was still a kid and had only her to count on. He’ll make sure his own kids will always feel loved and safe, just like Maddie always made him feel. He kind of can’t wait. But there’s no rush, he and Tommy just started dating, it’s still a long time until that. It’s nice to know they both want to head in that direction, though.
“Alright.” Tommy whispers, his eyes shiny and awed, and there’s something else in his eyes Buck can’t quite decipher. “That honestly sounds like a dream, I’m in.” he smiles softly, and Buck’s breath catches a little. This is all hypothetical, for now, but- but Tommy wants the same things, and Buck starts to really let himself fantasize about it now. “I want this, exactly what you said, with you. One day.” he adds, as if to reassure Buck, looking him straight in the eyes, expression not wavering, as sure and confident as always.
“Okay. One day, eventually, in a couple years.” he can’t help a fond smile, looking at their hands again, gently moving his thumb over Tommy’s hand. “There’s time to talk about all this whe- if it gets there.” he clears his throat. “Anyway, I’d like to get married first.” The words fly out of him, and he wants to facepalm immediately, because what is he saying, it’s been four months. He’s gonna scare Tommy off before they seriously start considering that.
“Married, huh?” Buck can hear the smirk in Tommy’s voice, and when he looks up at him again, there it is, teasing and accompanied by a raised eyebrow, and he looks so cute. “You want to marry me someday?” Tommy whispers, grinning, and Buck’s heart is racing, just hearing those words filling him with such happiness and hope. Someday. He can have this. For the first time in his life, this feels like a real possibility, something tangible he can expect at some point. Not just a dream, not something he’s chasing but doubted he’d ever find. He can have this with Tommy.
“Well, yeah, of course.” Buck answers easily, his heartbeat speeding up. He’s a little anxious about putting too much pressure, too many expectations out there, but he also knows that even if he did, they’d get back on track, they’d be fine. And besides, Tommy’s smiling, he doesn’t seem freaked out at all. And that’s after Buck brought up children. But if they’re moving forward with their relationship, they need to know what they want out of life. It seems reasonable to have this conversation this early on.
“Good.” he responds, grinning widely, nose scrunching and eyes crinkling in that adorable way. “Now I won't have to stress about your answer when I ask.” he adds, and Buck feels himself blush, butterflies in his stomach going wild. Oh. Oh . This is- this is real. They’re talking about it, and maybe someday soon- he might marry this man. He will marry this man. Tommy wants him forever. Tommy wants him. Tommy wants to marry him and have children with him, and just be with him. Sometimes it’s still so shocking to Buck that someone as great and amazing as Tommy wants him, but he does. Buck’s not sure he remembers the last time he felt this wanted.
“How- how do you know I won’t ask first?” Buck asks, moving his head slightly closer to Tommy, just enough to look into his beautiful blue eyes. It feels surreal, talking about this, when they only dated for a few months, but it also feels… right. It feels like they’re on the right track to get there one day.
“Hm. Good point. I guess we’ll have to see.” he kisses Buck’s lips again, chaste and sweet, and then moves to start leaving feather-light kisses along Buck’s jaw, as far as he can get without having to sit up. “Point is, I want all of that, too. With you.” Tommy whispers, lips brushing Buck’s skin, letting go of Buck’s hand, his arm moving to rest across Buck’s waist, but then his other hand finds Buck’s again under the covers. This is something they do a lot, just hold hands, all the time, and Buck feels like a giddy high schooler in his first ever relationship every single time. “House, kids, marriage, all of it. Eventually. Someday, down the line, no rush.” he quickly adds, as if afraid he’d freak Buck out with this. But he should know that Buck is all in already, he did just ramble about adopting a bunch of kids together. He’s all in – not to the point of marriage just yet, but- but he wants it someday, with Tommy. He’s more sure of that than anything.
“Great.” Buck beams, brings his free hand into Tommy’s soft, fluffy, product-free curls, playing with the strands the way Tommy likes, earning a satisfied sigh. “Because I-” he stops himself, feeling those three little words try to push their way out of his throat. It’s too soon to say, too soon to feel.
“You what?” Tommy asks, looking at Buck curiously.
“I think I-” Buck’s voice trembles, but as he looks into Tommy’s eyes, he feels secure, confident, and he thinks he can say it. Well, maybe not it just yet, but maybe just a bit of it. “I’m really falling for you, and it’s-” he takes a breath, watching Tommy’s smile melt into something soft and happy, and, oh, maybe it’s fine to say now. He should’ve known Tommy wouldn’t get scared off and run. “It’s a little scary with how fast and intense it’s happening. But I- I am going to marry you someday.” he says decisively, and somehow Tommy’s smile gets even bigger and softer. Truth is, Buck thinks he might be already there, in love, so gone already after a short but intense fall, landing safely in Tommy’s strong arms that he knows will always be there to catch him. “Sorry if it’s too quick, too much, I just-”
“Evan.” Tommy says in that way that makes Buck’s heart do cartwheels and his stomach flutter. “I’m falling for you, too. So hard.” he shakes his head. “I didn’t think it was possible for this to happen this quickly.”
“Yeah.” Buck breathes out. He feels light. He’s lying here, enveloped in Tommy’s warmth, big, strong arms around him, those blue eyes looking into his, feeling safe and comfortable and cared for, and he’s falling in love, and talking about kids and marriage sometime in the future. And he’s happier than he ever thought he could be. “Yeah, it’s pretty crazy. We agreed to take it slow, and here we are.” Buck shakes his head with a chuckle.
“Hey, we can still take it at our own pace, but those conversations are important early on.” Tommy shrugs with one arm, then smiles. “At least we know we’re on the same page about where we want this to go. But still, no pressure, let’s see where it takes us.” he adds, but Buck already knows where it’ll take them. Not putting any pressure or expectations might be more difficult than he thought, actually. But as long as they’re both equally in, they’ll be fine.
“Yeah.” Buck repeats, then leans in to kiss Tommy again, slowly and sweetly. “I want a dog, too.” he suddenly adds, breaking the kiss.
“Huh?” Tommy blinks, licks his lips, as if distracted by the kiss, and it makes Buck feel all fuzzy. He has this effect on Tommy, just like Tommy does on him.
“I want a house, marriage and kids, and a dog.” Buck clarifies, smiling shyly, thumb moving along Tommy’s jaw. “I’ve always wanted a dog, but my parents never agreed, and then I traveled a lot, and then I moved in here and pets aren’t allowed, and I just- I want a dog.” he explains, just wanting to put it all out there, and hoping he won’t scare Tommy off with how detailed those hypothetical scenarios get in his mind. But, well, if kids didn’t scare him off…
“Okay. I love dogs.” Tommy chuckles lightly, happily, hot breath ghosting over Buck’s lips with how close they still are. “So it’s a plan.”
“It’s a plan.” Buck repeats, a little breathless. Because it is a plan. Their plan for the future, when the time is right, when they’ve been together long enough to make a concrete move. They plan to move in this direction, they want it all to happen one day. There’s someone who plans to spend the rest of their life with Buck, who wants everything with him, who wants to give Buck everything he wants, and isn’t afraid to talk about it openly like this – and that’s just such a new thing for Buck, it feels almost unreal. He’s pretty sure he’s falling more and more in love with each passing second. His heart is beating so loudly he knows Tommy can hear and feel it with how he’s pressed against Buck’s chest.
Tommy kisses him again, both smiling into the kiss, and Buck replays the whole conversation in his head, giddy excitement filling him head to toe. He told Tommy about his hopes for the future, and about his past, and he’s still here, just as supportive as always, sharing those hopes and wants, and not weirded out. Buck really wants Tommy to know everything about him, he wants to bare his soul to him, wants him to know him better than anyone. He never wanted to share his whole self with someone this badly. Maybe except for Eddie, his best friend who knows Buck pretty much inside out. Actually, the thought of Eddie makes Buck remember one more thing that he probably should put out there, just so it’s clear, while they’re still on this subject. When they part next time, the words just bubble out of Buck, before he can think how to approach it.
“Eddie put me in his will.”
“O-okay?” Tommy says questioningly, a gentle prompt to explain if Buck wants to, confusion evident in his face as he pulls away slightly.
“Uh, yeah, so that if- if something happens to him, I- I can take care of Christopher. As in, be his legal guardian.” Buck says, and sees understanding take over Tommy’s expression. “It’s- you know, he- a well collapsed on top of him.” Buck blurts out, wanting to explain everything to Tommy. Just thinking of that situation makes him shiver, though, he doesn’t like to think about all the times he almost lost his best friend. Those were- those were the worst days of his life. He’s not sure he could survive without Eddie, it’s too tragic and surreal to even think about. “He made it out, of course, but he- he could’ve- could’ve died in there. And I guess that made him think about that, about what would happen to Christopher if- and he went and changed his will. He- he didn’t even tell me until like a year later, when he-” Buck takes a sharp breath, an even more unpleasant memory replacing the previous one. Suddenly he can feel the metallic taste of his best friend’s blood in his mouth, and the rough asphalt scraping his hands, and he needs to take a deep breath. Tommy tightens his arm around him, maybe he can feel Buck tensing up, can sense that whatever he's about to say is upsetting. “After he got shot.” Buck finally whispers.
“You know,” Tommy starts, his tone bright and casual but gentle, clearly wanting to lighten the mood, always just knowing what Buck needs, and Buck’s so grateful. He doesn’t want to talk about all those traumatic things now, that’s a whole other topic, that they scratched the surface of already, and soon they’d go deeper, but not today. Today it’s just for context for the other important conversation they’re having. “I’m starting to think I lucked out that I left the 118. You guys seem to be cursed or something.” he teases, pressing a gentle kiss to Buck’s temple, and an easy, breathy laugh bubbles out of Buck, tension leaving his body, as he melts against his boyfriend.
“I mean, at this point it’s possible.” Buck looks up at Tommy with a grin. “Maybe you were the 118’s good luck charm, and once you left you took all the luck with you.” he jokes.
“Oh, I highly doubt that.” Tommy laughs loudly, shaking his head. “You didn’t know me then.” he adds, something bitter and embarrassed slipping into his tone, and Buck releases his hand that’s still intertwined with Tommy’s, to put it on Tommy’s cheek. Buck gets it. He’s not proud of his old self, either. He’s kinda glad Tommy never met Buck 1.0, because they might not have ended up here. Not like this, anyway, with a whole (hypothetical) plan for their future together. “Anyway.” Tommy smiles again. “Do you wanna talk about it?” he asks quietly, softly, getting back to the subject.
“No, not really.” Buck swallows hard. He can barely talk to Eddie about it, he doesn’t think he’s ready to talk about it to anyone yet, not in detail. Not about how he felt, at least. “But, uh, I was there. When it- when it happened. And then I stayed with Christopher when Eddie was in the hospital.” he continues, his hand absentmindedly playing with Tommy’s hair, putting his focus on the soft strands between his fingers, trying to stick to vague facts, just enough to explain. “It was- it was ine of the scariest things that’s ever happened to me. And I died.” he tries to joke, but only feels Tommy bring him closer, leave a loving, gentle kiss on his forehead, and releases an involuntary sigh. Tommy’s presence makes talking about it much easier. “I didn’t know how to deal with it and still be strong for Chris, and- and he needed Eddie, not me, I just-” he cuts off, feels Tommy’s hand start soothingly caress his skin where it’s splayed on his ribs now. “And after everything, when Eddie was about to come home, he- he told me that he put me in his will.” he repeats. “I think he only finally told me because I was- well, I was feeling kinda-” he pauses, not sure how to put it into words.
“Let me guess, guilty for not being the one who got shot instead?” Tommy asks quietly. “Like it would be better for Christopher if it was you instead of Eddie?” He’s so spot on Buck can’t help a small chuckle.
“How do you know me so well after just a few months?” he asks, looking at his boyfriend with what he’s sure is pure awe in his eyes.
“I’m attentive.” Tommy smiles, shrugging with one arm.
“You really are.” Buck sighs, short and affectionate, as his eyes roam over Tommy’s pretty face. He always puts so much effort into understanding Buck, and other people, too, and pays attention to and remembers even the smallest details, and he does it so effortlessly. “Well, that’s exactly it. So when I was being all self-deprecating and I said that to Eddie, he decided to let me know about his will. And listen, I know it’s- it’s not usual, and probably a little weird, and Eddie could’ve chosen just about anyone else, he has so much family, his parents and sisters, and his tía and abuela, and cousins, a lot of them have kids of their own, and would be better fit for this, and- and he still chose me, and- but it’s not like it’s gonna affect our lives in any way, Eddie’s not- I just wanted it out there because we’re planning a future together, and I- I know it’s weird-” Buck starts rambling, just now realizing he’s never actually talked to anyone about this but also didn’t think about it that much, tried not to, and actually he and Eddie should probably discuss this, too, because what the hell was he thinking. He’s still shocked that Eddie would trust him with his son like this, and it means the world to him, but he can’t help but feel inadequate. Well, hopefully he’ll never find out if he actually is. He refuses to even entertain the thought of a world without his best friend.
“Evan.” Tommy interrupts his spiraling. “Why would it be weird?” he frowns, seeming genuinely confused. “Okay, yes, picking someone who he works with and is in just as much danger every day, especially with that 118 curse,” he smiles and Buck huffs out a laugh, “might be a bit questionable, maybe?” he chuckles, scrunching his nose in that adorable way. “But picking you, his best friend, above anyone else? That’s not weird. It might not happen often, but it happens. And, look, I see the way you are with Christopher. It makes all the sense in the world that Eddie would pick you.” his smile is wide, genuine, and reassuring, and now Buck’s the one confused.
“What do you mean?”
“Evan.” Tommy says again, a little disbelief seeping in. Buck just loves the way his name sounds in Tommy’s voice. He never liked it as much as he does when Tommy says it. “There's no hiding you're a really huge part of his life. You're really helping Eddie raise him.”
“But I’m- I’m not. I love him, more than anything, he’s- you know, he’s the best kid ever, and I help out whenever I can, but it's not-” he shakes his head. He’s starting to panic a little, because if he’s overstepping and doing too much, and it comes across as trying to be- but he’s not. God, he hopes Eddie would tell him if he ever overstepped. "It's not raising him. I'm not his parent."
“Baby.” Tommy’s smile softens. And that’s another thing Buck loves being called by Tommy. He just melts every time it’s directed at him, and instantly makes him calm down. “Still, you're always there for them, and you're a huge part of Christopher's life, and from what I hear, it’s been like that for years.”
“You hear from who?” Buck frowns.
“I do hang out with Eddie quite often, you know?” Tommy grins. Right, somehow Buck keeps forgetting Tommy is not just his, that he does see his friends, including Eddie, without Buck sometimes. Buck doesn’t feel jealous or left out anymore, though, because he’s the only one who gets Tommy like this, and he’s the one who’s Eddie's best friend, and he doesn’t have to worry about being replaced by either of them. He’s been working through those irrational feelings and he’s good now, genuinely.
“And you talk about me?”
“Only always.” Tommy leans in to kiss his lips, just a soft, barely there press. “But my point is, I see the way you act with him, with both of them, how Christopher talks about you, listens to you, and talks to you, about stuff he doesn’t with Eddie, and- and didn’t Eddie specifically ask you to talk to him when he was dating multiple girls recently?” he raises an eyebrow, having heard this story from both Buck and Eddie at some point. Buck opens his mouth to respond, to tell Tommy that it was just because Buck could talk from experience, explain it all well – but Tommy continues, “Plus, you know, you always make time for him, you guys hang out one-on-one all the time, outside of Eddie or just watching him when Eddie’s out. You take him to cool places, you help with homework, you’re always there. I know you’d drop everything to be there if either of them needed you, and that’s great, Evan. You and Eddie and Christopher have a very special relationship, you guys are a family, and it’s beautiful. You’re just such an amazing person, you’re so good, and smart, and patient, and you clearly love Christopher so much, and Eddie knows all this, and he surely knows you’d do a good job raising him if anything happened to him. So, yeah, I get it, I get why Eddie chose you, and it’s not surprising.” he smiles softly, and Buck looks intently at his face, anxiously looking for any sign that Tommy’s not okay with this, but there’s none. "“It’s actually really amazing to see.”
“Huh. I guess- I guess that’s true. But, uh, you’re- you’re sure you’re not weirded out by all this?” he asks, nervous that maybe now that he laid it all out there, Tommy could change his mind, could realize how unusual this all is.
“I’m sure.” Tommy smiles, but then there’s a hint of something, a doubt, hesitation, before he adds, half-jokingly, with an echo of fear, “Unless there’s something more between you and Eddie on top of all that.” he chuckles weakly.
“What?” Buck can’t help a laugh bursting out of him. Because, seriously, what? He can acknowledge that Eddie is attractive, but that’s about it. He has thought about it, because once he realized he’s bi, he kept himself up at night overanalyzing every single interaction with every single man he could remember, and especially things people said about him and Eddie, and he can’t even imagine himself and Eddie together. That’s a strictly platonic, familial bond – honestly, he feels like Eddie might be his soulmate, if those things exist, but it’s entirely platonic. “No, Tommy, of course not.” he adds gently, still amused. “He’s my best friend. The best I ever had, and okay, maybe we’re technically raising his kid together, but that’s not- there’s no romantic feelings whatsoever, I promise.”
“Okay.” Tommy whispers, a genuine smile on his face, and Buck’s honestly a little taken aback, because- because Tommy trusts him and believes him, there’s not even a hint of a doubt about it. He’s so sure of them, and Buck is, too, and it’s just so unfamiliar but so amazing. “Then no, I don’t think it’s weird.” Tommy’s hand moves to cup his cheek. “Helping a best friend take care of his kid is not the weirdest thing in the world, you know? It actually happens more often than you’d think. It’s- it’s wonderful seeing you with them, and I hope that maybe one day I’ll get to be a part of it in even the smallest way, if you ever want to let me in. You know, as your husband.” he teases, though he sounds like he’s admitting a secret, a hope he didn’t dare voice before. Buck’s breath hitches at the words husband, because in all the talk about marriage, he didn’t even think about that, but now- oh, now he really can’t wait to be married and to call Tommy his husband at every single opportunity. This is my husband, Tommy – oh, he can’t wait to be able to say those words out loud, over and over and over again. One day.
“Tommy, you already are.” Buck smiles, reassuring. He doesn’t think he ever felt this kind of connection with a partner, to consider them family, especially this early on, to talk to them about Chris. This is all so new, but it feels so right. “Christopher loves you, and you’re friends with Eddie, and, most importantly, you’re my boyfriend, and that makes you part of the family.” he grins, and sees that awed smile on Tommy’s face again, disbelief, wonder, surprise. Buck doesn’t know details of Tommy’s background, but he knows enough – just like Tommy doesn’t know everything about Buck’s, they’re still getting there, preferring to spend the first few months of getting to know each other on discussing things other than childhood trauma – but Buck knows how badly Tommy wants a family, how he wants to belong, to be loved, to be wanted, to be a part of something so special. Actually, he should’ve known what Tommy would say to wanting a family, to Buck wanting to adopt a bunch of kids. Their fucked up childhoods make them want to give someone else a better one, and they will, together. They’ll do so much better than their parents ever could. “And whenever we- when we get there, this family will just expand, and grow, and it’s gonna be really a dream come true.” Buck says, smiling widely, and leaning in to press a soft kiss to Tommy’s lips. “I want you, Tommy. I want everything with you.” he whispers, bumping their noses together, and sees that gorgeous smile on Tommy’s face, eyes crinkling. Buck wants to say more, wants to say how he wants Tommy to be his forever and ever – but he did say that, in a way. He’s just not sure if they’re ready for those kinds of declarations beyond semi-hypothetical conversations. He’ll say it all soon. Very soon, the words already pressing on the tip of his tongue, wanting to get released.
“Okay.” Tommy responds, leaning closer. “And I want everything with you.” his hand is softly caressing Buck’s bare skin on his side, the warmth spreading through Buck’s entire body. “So hopefully the universe will get us there.” he grins.
“Baby, we’ll make it get us there.” Buck responds, recalling the words that changed the way he looked at love forever. You don’t find it, son, you make it. He thinks he found it anyway, but now it’s only up to them to tend to those feelings, this relationship, let it grow and bloom, while they nurture and cherish it as best they can. Buck truly believes it’ll be his forever.
“Alright.” Tommy chuckles quietly, fondly. “So, we discussed our future, and now I know about you being a sperm donor, and being in Eddie’s will. Any more big surprises?” he raises an eyebrow, a teasing smirk on his face. Buck knows even if he had something more and didn’t say, that’d be fine, Tommy would be just his usual understanding self. Not everything at once, they’re still getting to know and learning each other, they can take it at their own pace.
“No.” Buck shakes his head. He can’t think of anything equally important right now, anyway. “You know, I never talked about Eddie’s will with anyone, not even Eddie aside from him telling me.” he admits quietly. “I just wanted you to know.”
“I appreciate that. And I’m honored that you trust me this much.” Tommy responds, voice soft and genuine as ever, and Buck thinks he’d trust him with his life and the lives of everyone he loves. It’s scary how quickly that trust grew, how quickly he just gave it to him. After being burned so many times, it would be reasonable to be hesitant, worried. But he knows, deep in his gut, that he’ll never regret it.
“Of course I do.” he smiles. “You’re my future, Tommy Kinard.” he beams, and Tommy takes a shaky breath. “I trust you.” he says, and it kind of feels like a different set of three words that he so wants to say.
“Evan.” Tommy breathes out, blush tinting his cheeks. He looks like he’s at a loss for words, which is unusual for him, but Buck can see everything in his eyes, anyway. The affection, adoration, trust, love. The ‘I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together’ that presses itself onto Buck’s tongue, too, but it’s too early for this. Even if it’s not, he wants to take his time, there’s no rush.
So instead of saying anything more, Buck just kisses Tommy again, propping himself up for a better angle, and Tommy uses that to pull him on top of himself, turning on his back again. So here Buck is, splayed on top of his boyfriend, the man he’s going to marry and have kids with one day, kissing him deep but sweetly and gently, just for the sake of kissing, one hand tangled in Tommy’s hair, the other just happens to lay above Tommy’s heart, as he feels Tommy’s warm, big hands slide over his back, and he’s over the moon – he honestly can’t remember the last time he was this happy. And as he’s kissing Tommy, he realizes that, hell, he really has fallen so hard and deep already, he’s so gone on him. Buck’s pretty sure his heart is beating out a steady ‘I love you, I love you, I love you’ against his ribs. He thinks Tommy can hear it, can feel it where their chests are pressed against each other. He’s pretty sure Tommy’s own heart, beating under Buck’s palm, is responding right back. ‘I love you, I love you, I love you’.
And then he wonders what the hell is he even waiting for? He knows better than anyone how short life is, how every moment counts. So what if it’s too soon? Who cares, right? So, he whispers those three words against Tommy’s lips, once, twice, three times, and hears Tommy giggle, a sound that fills his heart up, before he’s responding right back, flipping them over to press Buck against the bed, peppering his body in soft kisses, pressing the words against every inch of his skin. The room is filled by the sounds of happy laughter, kisses, and more ‘I love you ’s than Buck’s heard in his whole life. He’s in love, he’s happy, and for the first time in his life, he can see his future so clearly, with such certainty, in the man currently showering him in kisses and love. Buck’s never felt more settled and secure, and loved. Tommy is it for him, and he really can’t wait for their whole journey together.