Chapter Text
Hello, I'm that one female character in this story, what's my name again? Oh that's right, it's Bellum, Bellum Olor (4). I suppose you’ve probably heard of me, but you probably haven’t heard of me. I miss my mom, so I’m living with my dad in Spoons.
It was really rainy today because it was raining outside, and the trees were covered in water that was wet. Stupid wet trees. The trees weren’t wet in Arizona. I walked outside glumly and was soaked in the rain found outside. Stupid rain. I wasn’t wet in Arizona. Suddenly a tall, sculpted man wearing an off red shirt that was brick red and tight enough to outline his glistening muscular physique jumped randomly off the hard road made of concrete that was hard, with his dad in one hand, and his hand in the other. It was Jacoff! His long elven dark hair elvenly framed his friendly sternum which smiled back up at me even though it was at eye level. My stupid clumsy face half smiled up at him with the glistening irises in my eyes as my face became red. But don’t be mistaken, I don’t want to have sex with him.
“I brought you something,” Jacoff murmured, his pectorals smiling smirkily, and caressed the off red, bloody skin of the old 1940s Auto Ford Pickup truck. His tough and calloused hands momentarily prevented the inevitable tetanus. I hope he’s vaccinated, I mutter with my voice mutteringly as I trip over my hand and chortle with a frown while my eyeballs smirked.
I clumsily arrived at school on the dismal rainy day that was rainily dragging on. My stupid dumb idiot face walked stupidly into the biology class before I tripped over the ceiling, rupturing two of the lower disks in my back and accidentally caressing two classmates. So embarrassing! And then I saw him. He was sitting in the place or angle where two or more sides or edges meet within the room where it could barely contain his broad, pale white figure. He dressed in a strapping silk button up vest with a collar that creeped up his neck (just like me) and blossomed into exactly 6 layers of lace, with pin striped pantaloons made of skunk and high, leather, button up boots with buttons on them. The white, curly wig he wore emphasized the sheer scope of his dark and mysterious hairline. He dressed so mature for his age.
His three legs walked up to me hauntingly staring up into the eyes of my knees. My knees blushed at his approach, turning a bright blue at his arrival. I looked into his diarrhea coloured eyes as they flung away from his head cutely and delicately. He swore and frowned at me while smiling and telling me to fuck off respectfully. I think I'm in love! His forehead whispered to me, “Greetings, upon mine own word! How would thou happen to be functioning this here sunny and gloomy day, dear mademoiselle?” I tripped over the tumultuous air pocket in the room with my stupid feet, gazing up at his rippling pectorals. Stupid pectorals!
“OH MY WORD! Non sto et pedis et scelesti! (1)”
“You have such a way with words.” I stammer with my voice, which I usually use to talk. My voice is often used for speaking and such. I talk sometimes with my voice.
He sighed with his mouth with a breath and reminisced upon his past. “Ruinam imperii Romani memini. Ludit ego ex Julio Caesare meo. Sem amem Caesarem. Lingua titillat.(2)”
He took a deep breath in through his muscular, flaring nostrils and rolled his eyes at me hungrily with a large smile while his chest happily frowned at the unfortunate salvation.
“Upon mine own word! I hath forgoed mine introduction. My title is Edwardo. Edwardo Colleen Hoover Cullen IV!” he uttered from his utters.
I looked back out at the rainy trees on this day that just seemed to be getting sunnier when I noticed his jaundice eyes fade into a dark black like my soul. “Jawn my jawn! Jawn the jawn has jawn here? Jawn is jawn?! Absolutely ludicrous! Jawn is not jawn, swear jawn will never jawn again! This is jawnsense!(3)” I stuttered, confounded at the situation of his newfound glaucoma.
Edwardo Collen Hoover Cullen IV stared up while he looked down dumbfounded. “I beg thy finest pardon? What utter hullabaloo dost come from that wicked mouth thy possesses? Abhorrent creature!!”
I gazed back at him with both of my three eyeballs, confounded by his change of temper. Suddenly the bell rang, but the bell doesn’t dismiss us, I do. I dismissed the classroom in a fit of love, raging away with my potentially two legs. And then I saw it… First, I thought I had come down with age related macular degeneration, but upon closer examination, I noticed a ringle ray of the sun, which is the star around which the Earth orbits, caress his supple pectorals. His skin shined like the skin of a newborn penguin on a 78 degree F day in Antarctica. I hope to someday visit Antarctica. I just love the warm snow! Snow is when water vapor freezes and falls down to the groundlzjkgfi;hlnk.aljkbbk.
“Wait, snepai!” I said, running after him in his diamond crested skin. His diamond skin shone like diamonds in a diamond mine somewhere where people mine diamonds to make into diamond rings in like the diamond factories.
“You would be worth so much on the black market!”
He picked up his pace of which I could barely keep up with, but I was persistent. He eventually led me up to the dark and brooding woods and in hindsight he might have wanted to kidnap me. He eventually realized I was right behind him and he slung me across the densely wooded forest into a tree, rupturing three of my low intestines and only a couple of ribs. So romantic.
“It’s to protect you…” he muttered in a loud whisper. His blackened eyes gazed back into my soulless soul. Stupid soul! A couple tufts of his hair fluttered away in the wind, revealing a couple bald spots.
I can scarcely make my voice voice,“Of course… you’re a–”
He clung to my throat with his meaty claws. Little did he know I was into that.
“Say it…”
“Malaysian Sun Bear…”