Work Text:
Again.
And again.
And again.
…
Back to the beginning.
Lu Guang has lost count of how many times history repeated itself.
In the end, the result is always the same, no matter what he changes.
Perhaps deep down he had known it would turn out like that all along.
Perhaps hope is, after all, stronger than any logic, rule, reasoning…
There has always been one inevitable thing - an event that is going to take place no matter what. No effort could ever change it because no matter what you alter prior to a key moment in time, as long as that moment is unchanged, the future won’t be affected . And yet…
Is Cheng Xiaoshi really destined to lose his life in every universe?
Is Lu Guang fated to lose the only thing he’s ever cared for, the only person…
No. Lu Guang refuses to believe that. To every rule, there’s an exception. There surely is at least one timeline where…
‘Do not change the past.’
What a hypocrite Lu Guang is! Anytime he dives back, shivers run down his spine at the realization that he is doing precisely what he forbids Cheng Xiaoshi.
But it’s different…
Or is it? How exactly is one life different from all others? Why would one person deserve to be saved from the devastation fate brings, when all the others have to be left to perish?
Lu Guang tries not to think too much about it. He knows perfectly well how selfish he’s been, but it’s all worth it, as long as it’s for Cheng Xiaoshi. No rules apply if it’s for him.
Electricity shoots through him as he does it again.
One last time. One last chance.
He should have taken more photos. More remorse than blood flows through his veins at this point. He should have…
He should have done a lot of things. The speck of hope isn't that bright anymore but Lu Guang’s resolution is stronger than ever before.
He’s going to save Cheng Xiaoshi. Either that or this time… There are two options left and Lu Guang is ready for both. A peculiar calmness has seized his entire being. He is ready.
*click*
Lu Guang stares at the picture in his hands. It’s exactly the same as merely a moment earlier. The only exception - it isn’t on paper anymore. Lu Guang looks up from his phone screen, eyes eagerly searching for his real friend.
“Shall we?” Grinning from across the table, Cheng Xiaoshi wiggles his eyebrows and reaches for one of the beer bottles.
The same photo cannot be reused. This is his last chance. And his last chance begins with his first sip of beer on the first day of their trip abroad. It’s a period of time Lu Guang could never forget; memories he’s been holding so close to his heart that it’s made it impossible for him to use earlier.
His body is moving on its own. The cold glass touches his lips and almost simultaneously, a refreshing malty taste invades his senses. Lu Guang doesn’t have to think about what to do or say. He has already done so years ago, has gone through all the motions. It would have been reminiscent of a puppet on strings; a lightness of not needing to make any effort regarding your words or actions, an opportunity to go with the flow, to simply experience a moment past. Yet Lu Guang’s not here for that. Relaxing or enjoying the past is not exactly what’s on his mind. He’s here for a reason.
However, the past repeats itself to an astonishing degree. Everything is just as Lu Guang recalls, the state of his mind the same, and Lu Guang recognises that, acutely aware of the mess his thoughts are rendered to, thanks to a certain someone. Now, the only thing he is actually able to focus on is none of his plans from merely a moment ago - it is the bright smile of the boy on the other side of the small coffee table.
Cheng Xiaoshi.
Cheng Xiaoshi.
Cheng Xiaoshi.
“Lu Guang!”
His heart’s thumping so loud he nearly misses the familiar voice calling for him. The dull sound of an empty bottle being placed on the table is what ultimately snaps Lu Guang out of his thoughts. Cheng Xiaoshi’s cheeks are flushed a subtle rosy shade and a comical frown mars his handsome face.
“Are you even listening to me?”
“I am.”
“But you know… I’m really bored!” As usual, Cheng Xiaoshi’s whine goes hand in hand with a small, cute pout. Lu Guang barely manages to suppress a chuckle. ‘Do not change the past.’ Or at least, not more than necessary.
Cheng Xiaoshi has his elbow propped on the table, cheek nested in his hand as he stares intently at Lu Guang. Slightly askew, his head slowly tilts to the other side, a few stray locks of raven hair falling in front of his eyes. Cheng Xiaoshi puffs his cheeks and blows out a deep breath in an attempt to remove it.
Then, time stops. Or at least it seems so, to Lu Guang. A rare moment of serenity granting him a sanctuary where he’s allowed to enjoy the present. The past … Regardless, he’s here now. In a hotel room, in a foreign country, drinking a brand of beer he’s never tried before. And yet, he feels at home. He would always be home, as long as he sees that smile.
It’s already early evening. The sky outside has caught fire, soft oranges and wild reds clashing in a violent attempt to defy the heavens. The splendid battle’s effect is softened by the translucent curtains; a set of rose petals fluttering with each quiet breeze coming in through the window.
Every now and then, a wandering ray of light would drift in through them, landing on Cheng Xiaoshi’s face. It would sway there, moving with unmatched grace in its quiet dance, in perfect harmony with each of Cheng Xiaoshi’s movements, before melting away as the sun lazily takes its refuge below the horizon.
“So,” Cheng Xiaoshi mumbles, eyeing Lu Guang’s phone. “Won’t you show me?”
Before Lu Guang knows it, he’s grabbed it off the table, his knuckles turning white around it. He blinks at Cheng Xiaoshi’s amused face, realizing that his reaction might have seemed overly defensive.
“GuangGuang!” A teasing grin appears on Cheng Xiaoshi’s face and Lu Guang can feel his own hair standing on end. “What is it? You have something to hide? From me?”
He sounds almost offended.
Suddenly, he’s so close: all Lu Guang can see and feel. The weight of a warm hand resting on his shoulder; the faint scent of shampoo, fabric softener, and that of the alcohol they've just shared merging together. With quick, elegant movements, he has cornered Lu Guang, trapping him and invading all of his senses. His curiosity and playfulness have always reminded Lu Guang of an affectionate fluffy dog. Once again, he barely manages to resist the urge to pat the soft inky hair in front of his eyes as Cheng Xiaoshi pokes his head in between Lu Guang’s and the phone, trying to see.
“You really do?”Cheng Xiaoshi muses aloud. “Is it the person you like?... C’mon! I swear I won’t do anything! I just wanna see my picture, that’s all.”
Big puppy eyes stare at Lu Guang. It’s so hard to say no. He hates how much influence Cheng Xiaoshi has over him, able to control him with but a simple plea, making his heart go wild with the tiniest of smiles. Lu Guang’s afraid he’d try to achieve the impossible if Cheng Xiaoshi so much as hints at it. No - he knows he’d do anything for him, even if-
“Ah! All right, all right, I get it!” Raising his hands in defeat, Cheng Xiaoshi withdraws from Lu Guang’s personal space. Not by much. “Why don’t we play a game then?”
Mischief sparkles in the pair of brown eyes. This is precisely what leads to most of the issues they (Lu Guang) must spend their precious free time dealing with. Lu Guang realizes he needs to nip the genius idea in the bud but it’s already blossomed, basking in the warmth of Cheng Xiaoshi’s smile. It’s too late; now Lu Guang is merely a spectator in his friend’s play.
Nope. Wrong. It involves audience participation. But by the time Cheng Xiaoshi decides to play his ace, Lu Guang has forgotten all about it because this time , it is different. This time Lu Guang needs to make himself forget. All the rules - those he has obeyed, or those he has never; all the tricks he’s tried to pull; all the photos he’s taken, and those he’s entered… None of that matters anymore. This is his last chance. And if Lu Guang has learned something from all those useless attempts, what matters isn’t the end result. Somewhere along the neverending patchwork of timelines he’s created, he has lost not only his dearest friend, but himself as well. And like that, he’s reached the end, the last photo that could take him back to Cheng Xiaoshi .
Now that he ’s here, from flesh and blood, alive like he had been at the very beginning, Lu Guang realizes that what matters most in the end is precisely this: that they’re together. Alive. There are no more chances, no turning back time anymore. The lump stuck in his throat is threatening to choke him; the claws of despair, grief, and remorse piercing his soul to the point he doesn’t remember what else he’s supposed to feel. His hopes have been shattered time and time again, just when he saw the faint light at the end of the eternal path of agony and devastation.
With great effort, Lu Guang gulps, pushing all those thoughts to the back of his mind; to the past, where they belong. He’s resolved to stay in the present, to enjoy life as it is, one last time, with the boy by his side.
So, back to the present. Cheng Xiaoshi, after several unsuccessful attempts, is yet to see the picture Lu Guang had snapped of him earlier. At this point, it’s a useless one, Lu Guang knows it, but he takes immense delight in watching his friend’s antics.
Night has long since fallen and now the hotel room is illuminated not by the setting sun’s cheerful glow, but by the dim, soothing yellowish light of the bedside lamps. Sitting cross-legged on the ground, Lu Guang has his back rested against the bed, not really paying attention to the impression Cheng Xiaoshi performs on stage (aka the small free space in front of him). Lu Guang doesn’t even quite remember what he had asked of Cheng Xiaoshi moments ago. The dare game has long turned into an infinite loop he can’t bring himself to quite care to follow.
Unfocused eyes stare in the direction of his friend - bold gestures and bright voice resonating in the room, yet Lu Guang cannot clearly see nor hear any of it. He can only lean back, head tilting to the side. It’s comfortable like this, Lu Guang thinks he could easily fall asleep. Perhaps he has had one too many, the effect of the alcohol adding to the exhaustion from the long travel. Perhaps it’s time to end their game and go to bed…
That’s the last thing Lu Guang can recall passing through his mind before waking up the next morning.
Or at least, that’s how it’s supposed to go.
It takes him a moment to come to his senses.
He’s met with Cheng Xiaoshi’s face, merely inches from his own, still bathed in the soft lamplight. His friend reaches to gently poke Lu Guang’s cheek, giggling. One wouldn’t be able to tell he’s had a drink if not for his slightly slurred speech and the rosy tint spread across his cheeks. And yet, he has the gall to say:
“Aww! GuangGuang’s so cute when he’s blushing!”
Lu Guang doesn’t know what has gone wrong while he was out of it, but suddenly the room feels at least a hundred degrees hotter and he can barely resist the urge to scream, take off all of his clothes, and run to take a freezing cold shower. Foreign beer seems to be one of those things that don’t exactly have the best effect on his body, but most of the time Lu Guang tends to ignore what his body is trying to tell him anyway.
The world in a picture represents the past. Anything you change may warp space and time and rewrite the future. Even the smallest of actions can rewrite history, the gentle flutter of translucent wings setting a new string of events in action as Lu Guang’s world takes an unexpected turn.
By this time, Lu Guang’s an expert in unexpected turns though. Whatever happens, it could hardly surprise him because unfortunately, he’s seen too much already. However, now his stomach is swamped with butterflies, mind overwhelmed as it struggles to comprehend what exactly is going on in Cheng Xiaoshi’s mind.
He shouldn’t be so hard to read. Lu Guang should have already predicted his next move, but with the way Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes flick down to Lu Guang’s lips, the latter doesn’t want to ‘predict’ anything just to be left disappointed in the end. He resolves to leave foretelling the future for when he’s at least a bit more clear-headed.
Next thing he knows though, Cheng Xiaoshi’s breath is tickling his skin, and then, there’s a feather-light touch on his lips. He can barely make out the warmth seeping through his skin before it’s gone.
“C-cheng-”
“Don’t get mad at me, alright? I only did it cause you left me no choice.”
At first, Lu Guang fails to comprehend what his friend is saying. What those words mean is beyond him, his brain apparently suffering the after-effects of a short circuit. The room starts to spin wildly. Lu Guang closes his eyes, squeezing them tight, and tries to catch his breath.
“Sorry.” Cheng Xiaoshi smiles sheepishly, rubbing his neck. He’s holding Lu Guang’s phone. “Um, it won’t-”
He’s interrupted by Lu Guang, who reaches to cup his face. Hopefully, Cheng Xiaoshi won’t notice the slight trembling of his hand. Their lips meet again when Lu Guang leans forward. Their second kiss is almost as short-lived as the first one. Lu Guang pauses, seeking confirmation in Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes.
This is a look he had never expected to see on his face. Lu Guang doesn’t really know what exactly he’d expected since for as long as he can remember, he’s tried to stay as far from his friend as possible. Experience has taught him that being close to Cheng Xiaoshi inevitably leads to the worst outcomes. So, even in his dreams, Lu Guang has always tried to put a certain distance between the two of them; a wall he had built himself ages ago and had always hidden behind, refusing to let something as simple as desire potentially harm his friend.
Now, all that’s been suppressed threatens to break free, to compel Lu Guang to finally lose control. As if trying to convince him that it wouldn't actually be such a bad thing, his own mind betrays him, replaying ruminations from earlier.
Last chance… Together... Alive…
Memories of Cheng Xiaoshi’s bubbly, contagious laughter and his cheeky smile flash through Lu Guang’s head, the contrast to what’s in front of him at present rather amusing. Cheng Xiaoshi’s watching him with bated breath and half-lidded eyes. Lu Guang doubts he’s ever seen him so still and quiet.
In an instant, he’s hovering above him, taking in the sight of burning skin and messy black hair haloing his face. He wants to stare until he’s able to recall the smallest of details when he closes his eyes; he wants to keep the image of Cheng Xiaoshi like that burned into his memory. It’s a precious moment he’s going to cherish forever.
But it’s a fleeting one as well; it passes way too fast just like all nice things in life tend to do. It’s gone as soon as Lu Guang dives in to connect his lips with Cheng Xiaoshi’s again, threading carefully at first, but soon the growing desire to devour what he has been deprived of for so long overcomes him.
Amidst the rapture, there’s a pang in his chest. His heart is beating so loud he’s sure Cheng Xiaoshi can hear it. Their mouths clash in a heated kiss, all tongues and teeth, desperate, pain and insatiable craving making them lose their minds. Lu Guang can swear that Cheng Xiaoshi’s whine is the sweetest melody he’s ever heard.
Insistent pressure against his chest makes Lu Guang stop, nipping Cheng Xiaoshi’s bottom lip one last time before propping himself up on his elbows. He’s still close enough to feel the inviting heat of the body underneath. It’s impossible to take his eyes off Cheng Xiaoshi. His lips are cherry red and bitten, and his pupils - so dilated, his eyes are practically black, just like the long eyelashes encircling them, fluttering each time he tries to blink back unshed tears. One escapes and idly rolls down his cheek. Lu Guang reaches to wipe it away.
But then, another one lands on his hand, scorching hot, and Lu Guang belatedly realizes that it’s actually him who’s crying, not Cheng Xiaoshi. With each ragged breath he takes and each tick of his wristwatch, more and more tears land on his friend’s face. Lu Guang wants to run away, to hide, to prevent Cheng Xiaoshi from catching sight of this pathetic state of his. He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. No matter how hard he tries to slow down the tears, he doesn’t seem to be able to do so.
“Hey,” Cheng Xiaoshi whispers, voice full of tenderness. He pries Lu Guang’s hands open where they have been covering his face, and takes hold of it instead, thumbs caressing his puffy cheeks. “GuangGuang? Shh, don’t... I’m here… It’s fine.” Words of solace alternate with soft pecks, as Cheng Xiaoshi gently kisses the tears away.
Lu Guang is enveloped in warmth. He feels so small wrapped by his friend’s arms, face buried in his chest. He wants to stay there forever, to spend the rest of eternity like this, with those incomparable comfort and pressure their embrace brings.
The quiet sobs continue well into the night. For the first time in his life, Lu Guang is crying not because of grief but from happiness. His heart still feels as if it’s about to burst and his whole body hurts so bad, refusing to obey him as the incessant stream of tears threatens to submerge the world around. Even so, he's cuddled up against Cheng Xiaoshi - held, loved, and protected by the one who makes life worth living.
At some point, under the soft moonlight, Lu Guang drifts off to sleep with an unusual lightness in his heart. He has an entire lifetime to get used to it.