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Mischa always claimed he had a great childhood simply because he did. Well he did until he moved to Canada to live with his adoptive parents. There were a lot of differences between his mother Tamara (his birth mom in Ukraine) and his new adoptive parents whom he did not even know the names of. First off, he used to actually have a bedroom with a bed, curtains, bookshelf, and a blanket. At his new “home” all he had was a thin mattress on top of plywood with something too thin to even be considered a blanket. He was always freezing no matter the season. That's really saying something considering Mischa grew up in Ukraine where the winters could get up to -20 degrees Celsius In the bad winters. However then he had a thick blanket plus the comfort of his mother. Some other differences were the fact that his real mother didn’t burst into tears whenever she saw him, or how his father may have been bad but never put his hands on Mischa for messing up, instead he just gave up and left, that was something he couldn't say about his adoptive father.
He liked to beat the shit out of Mischa on the rare occasions they interacted.
Possibly the worst difference was how they fed Mischa. His mother would cook full home-cooked meals and eat with Mischa whenever possible. When they couldn’t eat together because she was working they always had some sort of meal accessible. In the beginning his adoptive parents left food at the top of the stairs three times a day. (It may have been baby food but it was still food) Now to say they even left food would be a lie. Saying this didn’t take a toll on his eating habits would be an understatement, after his adoptive parents stopped providing food Mischa had to buy his own. Since no one would hire him after he had earned the reputation as “Angriest boy in town” he stopped eating unless someone in the choir would give him food. He often ate less than 800 calories a day. It soon got to the point where his body was so used to it that if he ate more than the few calories he would consume he would throw whatever little bit of food he had eaten up and if he went over the 1000 calorie mark he himself would either work off the calories or lock himself in the bathroom and make them go away.
Along with his eating disorder Mischa had a fair share of issues. These consisted of self harming. Alcohol issues (one of the few things he got from his father), and although he hated admitting to it he had Sensory Processing Disorder. These very rarely came up as issues. His uniform was long sleeve, the only thing he really ever drank was vodka so if anyone asked about him just claims it’s water, the choir knew of his SPD so whenever he would be visibly upset for seemingly no reason they knew to tone down their jokes and to be quieter than usual or sometimes Ocean would cut practice short and Mischa would head over to Noel's home and cry softly (loudly) on his shoulder. Noel wouldn't ask what's wrong and would simply just whisper words of comfort in his ear until he calmed down. His alcohol issues were very well known. In fact the way he introduced himself to Noel was by offering him straight vodka. After confessing to Noel he has worked to be better at the whole "Time and Place” thing that people told him and attempts to only drink on special occasions - Like birthdays or holidays. (However that is what he wants Noel and everyone else to think, he will still take a swig whenever he's sad or sometimes just because life is too much). However, one thing absolutely no one knew about, not even his boyfriend, was the many lines that covered almost his entire body. No one knew because he couldn’t be seen as weak by anyone in Uranium. He had been struggling with it for so long Mischa just assumed no one cared. It had gotten to the point where he couldn't get a papercut without wanting to rip the cut open and it just bleed and bleed out. His legs, arms, and stomach were completely covered in scars and red lines. Some so deep he was surprised they even stopped bleeding. It was as if his body was a piece of paper a child had used safety scissors on. He had started around 15 when he first realized his adoptive parents didn’t care about him. When he was 16 he was clean for 7 months. However on his 17th birthday when his “parents” had been yelling upstairs about how when he turned 18 he would be kicked out; he relapsed and since that relapse he hasn’t gone more than 2 days without cutting himself. (On the brightside he did not get kicked out on his 18th birthday.)
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It was Noel's 18th birthday. He didn’t want to do anything special but the choir being the people they are, put together an indoor pool party. Noel was so excited after all he was turning 18! He was finally an adult. Though he claimed he didn’t want to do anything, he was very happy to get away from his job at Taco Bell and relax in the warm pool water. Canadian winters were pretty rough so the group finding an indoor pool was exciting. Noel packed his backpack with a towel, change of clothes (and whatever stuff you bring to a sleepover. He was sleeping at Mischa house), a water bottle (Cause hydrate or diedrate bitches), and his cell phone. Which would not stop going off. Everyone was sending reminders to bring towels, food, stuff to decorate for parties, and good vibes. Noel’s swim trunks were from amazon and had squirrels saying “Caution Contains Nuts’ because he thought they were funny and fitting for a birthday.
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Mischa was freaking out. Actually, ‘freaking out’ was a severe understatement. He was on the verge of a panic attack over a swimsuit. Tears pricked the corner of his eyes. He tried on the singular swimsuit he owned and the sight of himself in it wasn’t that great. His stomach was so sunken in that his ribs poked out. Scars littered his chest, arms, and the small bit of exposed leg area. Although most of them were just long thin light brown and white lines there were a few wide purple cuts and fresh red cuts that were visible.
Mischa, after having a debate with his thoughts, he decides to just not swim as he doesn’t want to cause any concern; it’s Noel's special day, not his. In the end he puts on jeans, some shirt with a band he didn't listen to on it, and throws a sweatshirt over top of that. Getting up he grabs water, fixes up his “room” because Noel was coming over, grabs his car keys, slips out his basement window, goes to his car, enters in an address to the GPS and gets going.
He swallows down all his doubts and fears of the conversations he, the choir, and Noel will be bound to have. A blanket of worry still thick on his chest about the fact that his friends were all very clever and there is an extremely high chance of them asking a myriad of questions that he wasn't ready to answer.
Mischa really hoped that wasn’t the case.
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The choir was set to meet at 12:30. Ocean being Ocean showed up at 10:00. She brought towels, candles, a lighter, water jugs, pool stuff, and a birthday gift. Constance showed up at 11:45 bringing other desert items from the cafe (Including a red velvet cake- Noel’s favorite) and a birthday present. Ricky and Penny carpooled and ended up arriving at 12:15 bringing drinks, fruit, presents, and streamers. Mischa, being the one who lived closest to Noel picked him up at 12:00 and they ended up arriving at 12:25.
The choir enjoyed the party; well most of them did. Mischa tried to enjoy it but when you go to a pool party without a swimsuit and a horrible mental state it’s kind of hard to enjoy yourself. He tried - he REALLY tried. The pool being heated and science being science caused the air to be really hot making him sweat buckets and have a headache from dehydration. It was sensory hell but he didn’t dare complain.
He also almost burst into tears when it was time for cake. Even though he knew it was coming he couldn’t get the thought about how many Calories and how bloated he would get or how his clothes were clinging to him from being so sweaty and you could clearly see his figure or how ugly he was and the sticky feeling from being sweaty or the feeling of his head pounding and how his mouth was so dry and gross
Then something snapped him out of his panic.
“Hey Mischa, are you good? I grabbed you a slice of cake.”
He looks up and sees Noel; Smiling widely but clearly had a tint of worry in his eyes.
“Oh yeah, I'm fine” Grabbing the cake from his hands. “Thanks”
Mischa wasn’t the slightest bit fine.
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Everyone had been swimming, talking, and eating, Mischa got up to use the bathroom around 1:45. This gave Noel and the choir an opportunity to express their concerns with each other.
“Has anything seemed off about Mischa lately to you guys or am I going crazy?” Noel stated.
“Yeah he’s been extra pitchy lately” Ocean said in a way that was her sad attempt at sarcasm.
“If anyone here has been pitchy it's you. However that is not what I meant. Like has he seemed more closed off and on edge?” Noel said, eyeing Ocean.
“Oh in that case. He’s been getting overwhelmed easier. He has not directly stated it but I can tell. I've noticed he always looks on the verge of tears.” Ocean pointed out.
“Yeah, he hasn’t been as eager to take me and my moms cupcakes lately. Which is weird because he LOVES our cupcakes” Constance chimed in. “Has something been wrong with our cupcakes lately??”
“No Connie, they’ve been wonderful” Noel responded diverting the conversation back to Mischa.
“I have noticed he has been quieter lately.” Penny said in her soft but concerned fashion.
Ricky, who also didn’t end up swimming, signed, “While I was over there watching you guy’s swim I could hear him start breathing quicker. He was also spaced out and, like Ocean said, looked on the verge of tears. It also isn't the first time I’ve noticed this behavior from him. Something is definitely up.”
“While on the topic of Mischa, why didn’t he swim today?” Constance asked.
“He said he didn’t have a swimsuit. I offered for him to borrow one of mine but he kept saying he didn’t want to cause trouble” Noel responded. Then he saw Mischa walking back from the restroom and added on. “Shit, he’s coming back and I don't want to pressure him right now. I’ll discuss it with him later.”
Everyone nods in agreement and get’s back to what they were doing. The party itself was set to end at 2:00 and Mischa had come back at 1:55. Once it struck 2:00 the choir parted ways. Ocean was sleeping at Constances, Penny at Ricky’s and Noel at Mischa’s. Everyone but Mischa sent Noel looks that said “Please talk to him. We’re really worried” Noel had no clue how he would but he definitely would make Mischa talk.
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The drive back was weird.
Mischa could tell Noel had something on his mind. Noel wasn’t normally this quiet. Even on the way there they talked. Now that he looked back on it, maybe he had done most of the talking? Mischa’s thoughts were racing again. Did that upset Noel? Is that why he wasn’t talking to Mischa? Because he had annoyed him too much. That was probably it. Why couldn’t he just shut up for 5 seconds! Noel said something snapping him out of it.
“Misch, we just passed your neighborhood”
“Oh shit you're right” Mischa really needed to get himself together.
Mischa soon pulled up to the curb of his house, disappointed to see that his “father’s” car was in the driveway. This
meant they had to get into his “room” through the window that was above the grass. It was a tight squeeze and he was worried Noel would end up getting hurt. Noticing Noel getting out of the car and heading up to the door. Mischa quickly stated “Sorry we have to go through window” Mischa saw Noel’s confused look, oh RIGHT the times he had come over they just walked in. “They are home and I am not allowed to use door when they are here”
Noel was surprised. He knew Mischa's adoptive parents were pretty bad. But not allowing their kid to come inside? That was crazy!
“They seriously don’t let you use the front door when they’re home?” Noel said in disbelief.
“Not unless I want him to beat me.” Mischa responded. Noel continued to stare in disbelief.
“Mischa, who will beat you?”
“How you say, not really father but father- ish? He doesn’t really consider me an actual son. He want small child not me. Just father by papers”
“Misch, you do realize that isn't okay, right?”
“What do you mean? Father back in Ukraine, hit mother before he left. Isn’t that how adults discipline others when they mess up?” Mischa added.
“Mischa, I think we should go to your room now. I want to talk.” Noel said. If he was not concerned about Mischa before, he definently was now.
“Okay, window is around the corner.” Mischa led Noel to a small window on the side of the house. Kneeling down Mischa slipped open it and climbed in. It made Noel extremely sad to see that this was not the first time he’d gone into the house this way. No one deserves to be treated this way. Noel followed Mischa into his basement- room.
Mischa helps Noel into his “room” and invited him to sit on the bed. Noel agrees to his offer and sits down next to him.
“поет, what did you want to talk to me about?” Noel still blushes at the nickname Mischa had given him, sure it had been months since he started calling Noel poet, but it was cute and made his heart flutter.
“So, has anything been up lately? I have noticed you’ve seemed off lately. Not in a bad way or anything, just different!” Noel was not going to waste any time. He had Mischa’s attention and wanted to take advantage of that.
“No, nothing has been up lately. I don’t think I’ve been acting differently. But if I have, what's the problem? Maybe I just want to change things up a bit. Now it's your birthday. Let’s watch a movie. How about ‘The Blue Angel’?” Mischa said, reaching over to grab his laptop and find the movie. Maybe he was being defensive, but what’s the issue with that? It is NOEL’S special day, not his. He deserves to relax and have fun. Mischa just doesn’t want to ruin that.
“Misch, I know it's my birthday but I can’t have a good time until I know that you are doing okay. I’m here to listen. We can watch a movie and relax anytime we want. I am not going to stop pestering you no matter how hard you try and make me stop. So please, tell me what's wrong?” Noel was tearful at this point. It was just getting more and more obvious how much Mischa’s health was declining. It’s crazy Noel didn’t pick it up sooner. The fact Mischa was always close to crying, the only wearing long sleeves, how exhausted he always looked, refusing food,the clothes that weren’t baggy before were baggy now, bruises from fights that no one could recall hearing about, Mischa almost always insisting hanging out anywhere but his house, the thinning hair, everything just added up, it was sickening to think about.
“I just don’t want you to feel like you have to look out for me. I am Real man. I'm fine.”
“Mischa for fucks sake cut it out!” Noel accidentally raised his voice. Seeing Mischa flinch back he lowered his volume. “I'm sorry it's just that you’re obviously suffering. Talk to me. Doesn’t matter how strong you think you are, everyone needs help sometimes. I’m not going to Judge you, I'm here to help you, so c’mon, spill the tea, what's up?” Noel sees something flash across Misha's face. He couldn’t quite tell what it was. It looked something like fear, nervousness, and finally something he couldn’t quite wrap his mind around. What he could tell is he was going to reach into his brain for words and comfort his boyfriend. He was also going to have to talk to his mother and see if they could arrange a better living situation.
“But you’ll hate me….” Mischa’s eyes were brimming with tears as he decides what he’s plans to do.
“I could never hate you. I love you no matter what that voice in your head says. I'm here to help and that is exactly what I'm going to do.”
“Okay.. Could I um- I show you? That might be easier… It just might look bad.” Tears were falling from both of their eyes at this point.
“Misch, you can show me anything. I doubt it looks that bad.” Noel didn’t really believe the second part of that statement. Mischa was always very open and hiding things was very unusual.
“Okay….” Mischa is scared shitless. “Could you turn around? I’ll let you know when to turn back around.”
“Of course” Noel shifts around.
Mischa walks to his mirror taking off his shirt and his pants, leaving just his boxers. Seeing the state his body is in causes him to cringe. The only time he ever looks at himself is on the rare occasions he feels up for changing his clothes but even then he chooses to do it far away from mirrors and not look down until he’s fully clothed.
“Okay, You can look. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Mischa said shakily, turning around.
Noel opened his eyes. I don't think anything could have prepared him for the sight. Hence the very audible gasp he let out taking in the sight.Scar’s littered his entire body, an array of white,brown, purple, and red lines thick and thin, some faded, some fresh, long and small, his stomach was sunken in causing his ribs to look as if they were sticking out of his skin, his knees looked like they were about to collapse from the weight of his upper body, seemingly surprising him he could even stand, the taller boy (although at the moment you wouldn’t believe he was taller) looked like he was about to cry even harder .
“Mischa, oh baby, how long has this been going on?” Noel said it with so much concern, love, and worriness (Is that a word idk?) It sounded like he was talking to a wounded animal but frankly that's what Mischa looked like at the moment.
This caused Mischa to break down. He couldn't take it anymore. Once the tears hit, they wouldn’t stop. Sliding down the wall, pulling his knees to his chest, hands going up to pull his hair, no one had ever seen him this weak before, come to think of it he didn’t think he'd ever felt this weak before. His mind was racing again. You should’ve hidden it better dumbass. Noel shouldn't have to worry about you. This is why everyone always leaves. You ruined his birthday. Loser. No one will ever love you. He’s going to leave just like Talia. You useless piece of shit.
Noel knew what was going on the second Mischa started to slide down his wall. Mischa was having a panic attack. At this moment Noel was glad he had them before, this meant he could attempt to comfort Mischa. He walked over and kneeled down in front of the boy.
“Hey, Misch. Can you do me a favor?” Noel was checking to see if Mischa was semi-verbal.
“Ye-Yea-Yeah.” It was barely audible but it was better than nothing.
“Okay, I'm going to start by asking two things, okay?” This earned a weak nod. “The first is to listen to my breathing and attempt to follow it, ready?” Noel can hear the ragged and struggled breaths even out slightly. “Secondly, this might sound silly, but I need you to list 5 things you can see.”
Breathing out a heavy breath Mischa starts. “Поет, bedframe, tears, the window, clothes.”
Noel, letting out a long breath of relief, adds, ”Good job, baby! Next list four things you can touch, okay?”
“Cold floor, wall, hair, boxer fabric” Mischa’s breathing was becoming less struggled and more healthy as Noel went on.
Smiling softly Noel continued on. “Good job hun! Now can you tell me three things you can hear?”
Mischa smiled at Noel through his tears and whispered back, “You, that loud fucking radiator, and I have ‘Rap God’ stuck in my head.”
“Yes, baby just like that, two things you can smell?” Mischa was calming down a little at this point, Looking up at Noel and untucking his head from his knees.
“Uhm.. Chlorine and that Body..uh whats the word.. you use” Mischa struggled to think of the word in english but god he loves how Noel smells.
“Last one sweetheart, whats one thing you can taste?” Mischa had moved into Noels embrace and was still softly crying.
“I taste minty gum” Mischa whispers into Noels shoulder now seemingly dosing off.
“Misch, hun, do you want to move to your bed and take a nap?”
Mischa nods softly in agreement, that Panic attack had taken a lot out of him.
He stands up and pulls on a large t shirt while Noel lays down making the bed just how Mischa likes it before he crawls in and rests his head on Noels shoulder.
He falls asleep almost instantly while Noel watches him with so much love. Gently running his fingers through Mischas hair. Staring at the boy whom he has fallen in love with. Who he will Always help. No matter the cost.