Archive of Our Own

— “hey, pretty boy.” —

하나: moonlight shining in your eyes

Till thinks he’s a normal person. A normal son. A normal high school student. A normal friend. A normal stranger. He’s just normal. At least— he likes to think he’s normal anyway. He has a normal life, a normal family, a normal group of friends, and other things that can be considered as normal.

What he was feeling right now— was definitely normal. 

Till just got into an argument with his parents. It wasn’t his fault, honestly. He only pulled a prank on one of his younger cousins, and it was a harmless prank. It didn’t even hurt the poor boy. 

Till disliked family gatherings. He disliked crowds and people in general. He didn’t like to table a conversation with people he couldn’t be bothered to familiarize himself with. If his relatives wouldn’t make a move to get to know him better, he believed it was only fair that he returned the favour as well.

Besides, family gatherings were boring. It was the same thing every year: eat, talk, party, and repeat. All the way to midnight. Boring, boring, boring. So, being the restless teenager he was, Till decided to spice things up a bit when his distant relatives came to his house for their annual family gathering.

By pulling a prank on one of his little cousins.

Till would say it was a success. It didn’t even harm the kid. So why was he still being scolded? The kid didn’t even cry, just laughed.

So, Till believed, in every molecule he had in his body, that he most definitely had the right to be angry at his parents.

And the feeling was absolutely normal.

Till grumbled, slamming the door behind him and skipping down the cobblestone stairs at the entrance of the house that was way too lively for Till’s liking. He strolled into the opened garage that was filled with cars, though it was too small to fit all the other vehicles. He pushed his bicycle out of the garage, and began cycling.

The night air was chilly, the freezing air nipping at his skin while he cycled. But Till didn’t mind, he quite liked the cold. It was the middle of spring break, then afterwards school would welcome him with open arms. He was no older than the age of fifteen, but he liked to think he was already mature enough for his age.

Beach, Till said in his clouded mind and pulled up to an old worn gate. He parked his bicycle there. He couldn’t enter the beach from the entrance since it was reserved for some sort of big company party tonight, and he wasn’t on the guest list, that’s for sure. So he disregarded the no trespassing sign, climbed the gate as quietly as he could, and successfully made it to the other side. He hopped over, and ran to the far end of the beach that was secluded and hidden away from the party.

No sooner had he done so, he spotted a figure standing at the shore, facing the ocean. Till narrowed his eyes. No one ever came here. And what was more confusing was that the figure, who Till realized was a boy, looked about his age.

Till didn’t know what compelled him to walk up to the boy, but now, he was standing next to him. The boy didn’t cast him a single glance, not a sign of acknowledgment. Till didn’t know why, but he felt a twinge of disappointment. The boy was still staring at the ocean, like he was captivated by whatever secrets the depths held within them. 

Till had always thought the ocean was beautiful, especially at night. The way the clear blues would turn into a darkened abyss when the sun met the horizon; the way in which the dark waters would reflect the light of the thousands of stars in the sky, making it look like the stars were drowning in the sea. 

Simply beautiful. So, so beautiful.

A cold gust of wind blew against Till’s face, leaving tingly kisses on his skin. Shit, Till cursed in his head. He didn’t bring a jacket in his frustration. But the boy standing beside him didn’t seem bothered by the biting cold air, and stood with his hands in the pockets of his coat. 

Oh, he’s wearing a coat. Till noticed, hugging himself to keep warm. They continued to admire the open waters in front of them, until the boy sighed audibly and suddenly, scaring Till whilst reminding him of his presence.

“…Hi.” Till began. He should be making conversation with the boy, right? “What are you doing here?”

The boy turned his head to look at Till fully, raising an eyebrow. “Is it not obvious?”

Till’s face flushed. “I-I mean— Yes, I know you’re looking at the ocean… But what for?”

The boy hummed. “I could ask you the same thing.”

Till rolled his eyes, but his lips curled into a smile. “I got into an argument with my parents, so I wanted some fresh air, I guess. Family gatherings are so not my thing.”

“That makes you and I the same then.” The boy laughed, “I don’t fancy family gatherings either. Too crowded and too noisy.” 

“For real? I never would have guessed.” Till watched as the boy’s gaze lingered on him for a bit longer then averted his eyes toward the ocean again. He could feel the silence approaching them, but he wouldn't allow that to happen. “Hey, what’s your name?”

The boy froze for a moment, then heaved a sigh. His eyes were still fixated on the ocean, and then, after what seemed like forever— his eyes met Till’s. Under the dim moonlight, Till couldn’t properly distinguish the boy’s features.

It was the eyes that caught Till’s attention first. Frankly, the boy’s eyes were the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. His eyes easily became number one in Till’s list of ‘ Prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen ’. He had black eyes. Till was intrigued, he had never met someone who had an eye colour that was completely coated in black. The boy’s black eyes weren’t the type that turned into a shade of brown under the sunlight. It was the kind of black that no matter how bright the light, it would stay the same colour. 

Till loved that. The boy already became such a wonder to him, yet he was still such a mystery. In all honesty, Till found his eyes beautiful. Especially under the night sky, the stars were reflected in his dark eyes, reminding Till of the sea.

It looked like the stars were drowning in his eyes.

Till could make out the boy’s face in the dark. He realized he had small red pecks in the middle of his piercing black eyes. He had the palest skin Till had ever seen and jet-black hair that resembled the night sky above them.

Till wondered if stardust could fall on top of his head and make it look like even the stars were swimming in his hair— just like how the stars were drowning in his eyes.

“Ivan.” The boy finally said with a smile. Till noticed a tiny fang peek out from the corner of his mouth. What other secrets did he hold? “I’m Ivan. You are?”

“Till.” He replied with a smile of his own. “I’m Till.”

“That’s an unusual name.”

“—What?”

“Ah— What I mean is, that’s a unique name.” 

Till narrowed his eyes. “No way that was just a slip up.”

Ivan grinned. “You’re right. It wasn’t. I was just messing with you.”

“Wow. Thanks, I guess.” Till added in a bit of sarcasm in his voice, hoping Ivan caught on to it. “Hey, can I ask you a question?”

Ivan’s full attention was now on him. ( It always was. ) “Sure.”

“Do you believe in god?”

“ Do I believe in god? ” Ivan repeated the question, a small smile playing on his lips. Till found himself staring at the other boy more than he should, and quickly looked back at the sea. “That’s a weird question, Till.”

“Everything’s weird to you.” 

“Not all.” ( Not you.)

“Sure. But just answer the question.”

“Can I be honest?”

“That’s the whole point of me asking you a question.”

“Well,” Ivan’s eyes were now fixated on the ocean, so Till looked back at him. “I don’t.”

“You don’t?”

“I don’t believe in god.”

“Huh. That’s a funny answer.”

“You told me to be honest.”

“I did, but I didn’t expect that kind of answer. All my other friends believe in god. Even my family and relatives.”

Ivan looked unsurprised. “Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Then do you believe in god, Till?”

Till paused, processing the question. Did he believe in god? He didn’t know, really. But he replied with: “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Hm.” 

“What’s… up?”

“Nothing.” Ivan looked withdrawn now. Till was confused out of his mind, had he said something upsetting? Ivan was an unusual being. He looked mysterious, laidback even. Interesting.

Till wanted to get closer to him, know all of his secrets, his wonders, his likes, his hates— every single part of him until he found Ivan’s truest and purest form.

He started with a simple question. “What do you like?”

“What do I like?”

“No shit, Ivan. Stop replying to my question with another question.”

“I like… I like the ocean.” ( I like you. )

“Well shit, I never would have guessed.” Till teased him.

Ivan laughed, and Till’s entire world stopped for a second. “What about you? What do you like?”

“I like art.”

Ivan grinned. “Well, I never would have guessed.”

Till rolled his eyes, and laughed. “Oh, you’re mocking me now?”

“Just mimicking you.”

“Same thing.”

“I don’t think so.”

Till smiled. Just who the fuck was Ivan? See, Ivan was like the moon in the starry sky above them, and Till was swimming in the ocean in front of them. Ivan lured the ocean waves in, pulling them closer and closer. And Till was trapped in the white caps, but he swam willingly and allowed the current to pull him closer to Ivan.

There was something so alluring about Ivan, the boy he only just met a few minutes ago. The aura he gave off made Till want to get to know all of him. 

Till didn’t realize Ivan had stepped closer to him. “What do you draw?” Ivan asked.

“Things that catch my interest, I guess.”

“And what catches your interest?” ( You. )

“A lot of things. I think the world’s a beautiful place. I try to sketch everything I see, really. I have like— five sketchbooks sitting on my study table at home.” Till answered, holding up his fingers.

Ivan’s lips curled up into a toothy grin. “Do you want to be an artist someday?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I like music too. I play the guitar. I learned how to play by myself, if you must know. I think I got it in the bag, I might pursue music in the future.”

“That’s a coincidence.”

“How so?”

“I’m planning to pursue music when I graduate as well.”

Till’s eyes widened. “Really? I never took you for the musical type. With your looks, you could wing a spot in a model agency, you know.”

“I’m flattered, but I don’t really like posing in front of cameras for hours and hours. But who knows, I might change my mind in the future.”

Ivan was so mysterious. Till thought it was captivating. 

Till knew he shouldn’t trust a stranger, much more someone he just met minutes ago. It was like a moth to a flame situation— Till the moth and Ivan the flame. Till didn’t know if he could trust Ivan or not, but it was just so addicting to want to fall into the depths of his being and explore all of him.

Till stood at the fire’s edge, now that the distance between them was an inch closer. If he got any closer, he’d burn from the fire. But if all he had to endure was being set aflame by the fire Ivan had lit, he would do it a thousand times over and over again until Ivan extinguished the flame. 

“What’s one thing you wish for?” Ivan asks.

“Why the question?”

“Because there’s a shooting star in the sky.”

Till looked heavenwards, and true to Ivan’s words, there was indeed a shooting star flying across the sky. “Oh.”

“Make a wish.”

“Okay.”

And so Till wished. When he opened his eyes, he found Ivan staring at him.

Ivan smiled. “What did you wish for?”

“If I tell you, it won’t come true.”

“Alright, then I’ll tell you mine.” 

“It won’t come true if you do.”

“You believe in shooting stars?”

“Well, yeah. I have proof, I wished for an electric toothbrush once and I got one the next day.”

“I find that hard to believe, Till.”

“Believe what you want. So you really wanna tell me?” 

Ivan nodded. “There’s no harm in telling you.”

“Okay… Shoot. What did you wish for?”

“Happiness.”

“Are you happy now?”

Ivan paused, before whispering: “ Yes. ”

Till smiled, his heart in flames. “See? I told you shooting star wishes come true.”

“But I told you my wish, Till.”

“It still came true, didn’t it?”

“…Yeah, I guess so.” Ivan looked down at his feet. 

In reality, Till lied. (And the electric toothbrush part as well.) Till didn’t believe in shooting stars granting people’s wishes come true. He found it silly. Why do shooting stars have to be anything other than an innocent phenomena? People give so many meanings to shooting stars— a wish, a warning, a sign, a blessing, an omen, a promise, a confession. Till wondered why people do this. 

Were they like him? Hopelessly addicted to almosts and maybes ?

— “you and your eyes.” —

두: the start of forever

Till didn’t see Ivan for the rest of spring break. Well, really, what was he expecting anyway? He only met Ivan on a secluded beach one night, how could he expect to meet Ivan again? 

He did go back to the beach after the night they met, but Ivan wasn’t there. Till wanted to drown himself in the ocean out of embarrassment. Serious, what was he expecting at all? That Ivan would feel a spark and return back to the beach to see him again? No, no. That was too out of pocket, and Ivan didn’t seem like that type of person to Till.

Now that spring break was over, Till had to return back to school for the new school term. 

Till spotted a pink-haired girl in the distance as he approached the school gate. “Mizi!” 

“Till!” Mizi spinned around, her pigtails flying in motion. “Good morning! How was spring break?”

Till shrugged, walking up to her. “Not much happened. Nothing interesting ever happens in my life.” 

Mizi frowned, placing her hands on her hips. “You know that’s not true.”

“Enlighten me, then.”

“Gladly! I remember there was this one time a boy asked for your number and you fumbled so badly, you accidentally gave him Luka’s number instead of yours—” Mizi stopped speaking as she noticed Till’s glare on her. 

If looks could kill, Till would already be at the furniture store picking out nails for her coffin.

He took her by the shoulders and shook her aggressively. “Mizi. Say one more word again and I swear I’ll drop out.”

Mizi gasped. “You wouldn’t.”

“Oh yes, I would.”

“What am I going to do without you?”

“You have Sua.”

“That’s correct.” Sua cut Till off, startling him. He nearly let out a scream as he whipped around and saw that Sua was standing so close to him their bodies were almost touching. “Stop harassing my girlfriend, Till.” 

“I am not harassing your girlfriend, Sua. I would rather hang myself than hurt Mizi.” Till waved his hand defensively as Sua stepped aside and walked toward Mizi, who had her arms wide and open. His eyes softened at the sight of the girls embracing each other. “Well, lovebirds, as much as I would love to chat longer, I have hall monitor duties this morning.”

“I still can’t believe you’re a hall monitor.” Sua commented with a sneer. “Till? A hall monitor? Really?”

“Yes, very much so. Till is a hall monitor, sadly.” Till shot back with a playful glare, which caused Sua to giggle. “I’ll see you two during lunch.” 

“See you, Till!” Mizi shouted, waving her hand vigorously as Till walked away and toward the school entrance. He glanced back with a wave he hoped matched Mizi’s energy, and proceeded his way into the school doors.

Students of first, second and third years, were littered across the hall. Several bunches of them were scattered in friend groups, standing at the lockers and chatting away a storm. Till didn’t know how people could talk so much. He found it more simple to jot down his thoughts in a journal or sketch his feelings out on a piece of paper, rather than ranting to his friends and talking about his very complicated emotions.

It was just so much easier. 

Till strolled down the halls, took a right and walked down another hall that led to the classrooms. He lied about the hall monitor duty, he just wanted to sleep for a few minutes before class started. According to the clock’s hand right now, he had about twenty minutes to catch up on some well-needed rest. 

Till entered his homeroom and plopped down on his designated seat by the window, it gave him a bird’s eye view of the school field outside. When he wasn’t listening to his teachers, Till would be distracted by the gym classes held outside in the field and watch the students play.  

Till removed his bag, hung it off his chair and rested his head in his arms on the table. Then, he shut his eyes and darkness engulfed him.

It was the sound of the classroom becoming louder and louder with more students shuffling in and settling down in their seats that jolted Till awake. He quickly sat upright and rubbed his eyes that were still raw with sleep, not realizing someone had taken a seat beside him. The class quieted down as the sound of footsteps echoed from outside the classroom and Till’s teacher appeared at the doorway.

“Aren’t you all restless today? I could hear the noise all the way from down the hall.” Till’s teacher joked, and it got a few hearty laughs out of his classmates. Till just grinned. He liked his English teacher— he knew how to joke around, never gave too much homework and never force anyone to answer a question if they didn’t want to. “As you all know me, I like to do one thing before we start class. Take out your spring break homework, everyone.”

There were a few groans and grunts, but Till ignored them and took out his homework. Yes , he did his homework. Usually, he’d do it at the last minute or copy Mizi’s, but he took the time during spring break to complete his homework. Yes , he had a character development moment. 

“Oh fuck.” The person sitting beside him muttered, searching his bag for something. Till saw he already had his homework placed on his desk, so what was he looking for? “Shit.”

“You okay?” Till faced the person, and his heart stopped. The person lifted their head up to look at him, and his eyes met Till’s own. Till could never get rid of the memory of the colour of his eyes even if he wanted to. It was forever imprinted in his mind.

“Y— No. I forgot to bring my pencil case.” The person admitted bashfully, his cheeks painted with a sunrise tinge. 

“I could lend you a pen.” Till offered, a crooked smile plastered on his face as he reached for his pencil case. “Want one?”

“I don’t want to bother you—”

“If you think it’d bother me, you’d be surprised by what people are comfortable with bothering others about.”

The person smiled. “Thanks. I’ll return the pen to you after class.”

“No need, keep it.” Till shook his head, and watched the person’s eyebrows shoot up. 

“Okay then. Thanks again.”

“You’re welcome, Ivan.”

Ivan froze at his name, gawking at Till with wide eyes. Till smiled nervously, and ignored the loud pounding of his heart in his chest. “How do y—”

But Till didn’t allow him to speak further. “Your eyes.” He whispered. “I could never forget your eyes.”

Ivan’s face turned beet red, Till almost found it amusing. “O-Oh.”

Neither of them said a word to each other for the rest of the period.

It was only when the bell rang and Ivan stood up to move to another seat, Till abruptly hoisted himself out of his chair and pulled at Ivan’s wrist. The latter froze, staring at Till with those damn eyes he loved so much. “U-Uh—” Till spluttered, “Do you want to join me for lunch later?”

Ivan continued to stare at him, and Till almost regretted asking. Finally, after what seemed like ages (only ten seconds had passed), he finally answered with a quiet “ Yes ”. Till smiled, and let go of his wrist. 

“Okay.”

“…Okay?”

“Okay.” 

Till sat back down in his chair. Ivan continued to stand beside his chair. “O-Okay.” 

When class started, Till realized Ivan had returned back to the seat beside him.

 — “when you love somebody.” —

세: loving you is easy

“What does it mean to love someone?” Ivan asked out of the blue, and Till spitted out the water he was chugging down his throat. They had just finished exercising together, and Till’s throat was parched to a crisp after all that strenuous workout they did.

He turned to gawk at Ivan. “What the fuck?— Why all of a sudden?” 

“I’m just curious.”

“When are you not ?” Till casted a dismissive glance at Ivan as he wiped his mouth with his sleeve. “Do you mean platonic or romantic love?”

Ivan paused, thinking with his brows furrowed. He always did that when he was deep in thought, and honestly? Till found it adorable, and so like Ivan. “In a romantic sense, I guess.”

“Why? You got an eye on someone?” 

“Not really. I just wanted to ask.”

“And you think I’m the right person for this question?”

“Partly, it’s also because I know you won’t lie to me.”

Till’s heart skipped a beat. Wow. “O-Okay then!” He cleared his throat. Goddamn it. “What I think it means to love someone… is to want them by your side for the rest of your life until both of you are six feet under. You think of them constantly, you stare at them as much as possible, you try to get their attention, you dream of them, you want to do romantic things with them— And most importantly, you want to be someone good to them…” 

And Till babbled on, putting his years of reading romance mangas to use. Ivan listened attentively to his words, never interrupting him. When Till realized he was ranting, he quickly stopped with a furious flush on his face. “Shit, sorry. I got carried away.”

Ivan shook his head. “It’s fine. I enjoy hearing you talk. You sound experienced in the topic of romance.” 

Till ignored the first remark Ivan made and jumped to the second, while also trying to cool off the intense heat on his cheeks. “I guess reading tons of romance mangas over the years has helped me a lot.”

“Mind if I borrow some?”

“Sure, just make sure not to damage the covers. I will rip your homework if you do.”

“Rest assured, I won’t do that.” Ivan chuckled.

“You’d better.”

Silence followed as they stood up to gather their things and walk back home. It was nearing evening, now that the sun had long gone past the horizon and the stars arrived in the sky. Till and Ivan had become friends, and their bond strengthened over the years. They were seventeen now, and yet not one thing had changed about Ivan, Till thought. 

Ivan’s eyes were as dark as ever. He was taller and leaner now, towering over Till’s height. In his defense, his height was acceptable for a boy his age. Ivan was just too tall for a seventeen year old. He had grown more handsome as well, much to Till’s dismay. That meant more girls and guys coming up to Ivan for his phone number when they hung out together.

Ivan cut off Till’s train of thoughts with a question. “How hard is it to love someone?”

Till frowned. “Why are you asking such weird questions today?”

“Again, curious.”

“Stop being curious then.”

“I can’t help it.”

“I’m not going to answer your question.”

“I’ll treat you to a meal if you do.”

“…Make that two.”

“Deal. Now answer me.” Ivan said with a grin.

Till rolled his eyes, but felt a wave of fondness wash over him. “I guess it depends on the person you want to love.”

“Huh.” Was what Ivan replied. “ Depends on the person I want to love… ”

“For example, loving Mizi is pretty easy. She’s a good friend, a great person, has a lovely personality and is super easy-going. Loving her is easy.” Till explained hurriedly.

“I guess that’s true.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Ivan stayed silent after, before he spoke: “Say, Till. How hard is it to love me?” 

Till halted in his footsteps, standing rooted to the ground with a surprised expression. Ivan stopped with him, staring at Till with nothing but confusion in his piercing black eyes. 

‘How hard is it to love me?’ Till repeated the question in his mind like a mantra, going over it over and over again. But he decided to be truthful, even if it meant sacrificing his dignity. He couldn’t ever lie to Ivan, anyway. 

“I think it’s pretty easy to love you.” Till said.

Ivan’s face turned unbelievably red at his comment, and Till felt hot all over. “Really?”

“Yeah.” 

“Oh.”

“That’s all you’ve got to say? Oh? ” 

“I’m just processing your answer. Give me a minute.”

“What are you, a machine?!”

Till thought loving Ivan was easy, perhaps the easiest thing he’d ever done. Loving him was easy; like basking in warm summer sunlight; welcoming a gentle breeze on a sunny day; looking at the sun at dawn or the fire glowing bright. Loving him was easy; like breathing in the scent of flowers; running in an open field; gazing at the clear blue sky; hearing the sound of a stream or the waves of the sea. 

Loving Ivan was as natural as the sun rose. Loving Ivan was the easiest thing to ever do, Till believed. Even though they get into fights and don’t tell each other everything, loving Ivan was the best decision Till had ever made in his years of living. If one of the laws of the universe was to love Ivan like it was as easy as breathing, Till found it hard to break. 

Till met Ivan’s eyes, and they held gazes for a while before Ivan lifted his head upwards to look at the stars. He was saying something, but Till couldn’t bother to listen. He was more concentrated on Ivan’s eyes.

Now that Ivan’s gaze was fixated on the sky, and that the stars were shimmering in delight— it looked like the stars were swimming in Ivan’s eyes.

He’s beautiful. Till inhaled shakily.

Loving the boy beside him was the easiest thing Till had ever done.

— “ it’s you, always been.” —

네: unsaid feelings and words

“Till.”

“…What?”

“How did you manage to get injured again this week? This is the fourth time.” 

Till looked away, embarrassed. “I wanted to impress someone…”

Ivan raised an eyebrow while he carefully dabbed Till’s wound on his knee with cotton wool. “By getting injured?”

Till glared. “ No. I got injured while impressing someone. Trying to, anyway.”

Ivan chuckled, nodding. He wrapped up Till’s bandage with a knot and stood up to sit beside him. “Who are you trying to romance this time?”

“ This time? I hope you know I don’t try to romance people all the time.”

“If I remember correctly, you’ve tried to romance four people these past few months.” 

“Why the fuck are you even keeping count?” 

“It’s funny.”

“…Anyway, I wasn’t romancing four different people. I’m offended that you think my feelings are that shallow to switch so easily from one person to another.”

“So they’re all the same person?”

Till blushed. “Y-Yeah.”

“I didn’t know you were a romantic, Till.” Ivan teased, making kissing sounds to annoy Till. 

“I— Well— Maybe I am, but if I’m such a romantic then why hasn’t he noticed my feelings yet?” 

Ivan tilted his head, thinking. “It’s either your efforts are not enough or he thinks you’re lousy.”

Till wanted to laugh, but he couldn’t. His tongue tasted bitter as he processed Ivan’s words. Sure, they’ve been friends for a few years, close as ever, but there were certain things they would never admit to each other no matter what. And one thing Till noticed about the latter, was how secretive he was about his feelings. It was like Ivan locked all his emotions in a safe and only he knew the passcode to unlock it. 

Ivan never spoke of his feelings often, and when asked, he’d changed the subject. That was why— Till was scared. He didn’t know what Ivan truly felt and thought about him, he never told him any of that. Now that Till had feelings for him, he didn’t know what to make of it if Ivan knew. 

He thinks you’re lousy. Till swallowed down a lump in his throat. That was his biggest fear. But he couldn’t break down right in front of the said man he was trying to romance the past few months. No, he couldn’t. 

Till relaxed his expression, or at least, he tried to. “I should try harder then?” 

“That’s up to you.” Ivan said casually. 

Another thing Till forgot to mention was how oblivious Ivan was. It was either he was disgusted and didn’t want to tell Till to seem rude, or he genuinely couldn’t see Till hitting on him. Till hoped it was the latter. 

“…Right.” Till finally replied. Ivan held out a bottle of water, he took it, their fingers barely touching. Till tried not to flinch. He tried, really. His fingers burned, like they were lit up on fire. 

“You still haven’t told me your cru—”

“Shut up.”

— “all the feelings in one.” —

다섯: happiness is where you are

Ivan admired the landscape cased in a large wooden frame hung up on the wall. “It’s beautiful.”

“You think so?” Till ignored the way his heart fluttered. 

“Absolutely.” 

“My great-grandma drew it. I found the original one up in the attic when my mom was cleaning a few days ago, and I decided to replicate it.” Till explained, running his fingers along the wooden frame. “I tried to make it as good as hers, but I couldn’t.”

“It looks good to me though.” Ivan said.

“Maybe to you, not to me.” Till shrugged. “Mom wanted it displayed anyway, so I couldn’t say no.”

“I still think it’s amazing, how you captured the landscape so perfectly.” Ivan took the piece of yellow paper in Till’s occupied hand. “They look the same, don’t they?”

“Yeah, but you know what they say, you can never outdo the doer.” Till rolled his eyes and snatched the paper out of Ivan’s hands to look at it more carefully. “It’s more beautiful than mine.”

“If it’s more beautiful, then why don’t you display that one instead of your own?” 

“Mom wants to keep it. Don’t wanna damage anything ancient.” 

Ivan laughed. “Fair enough.”

“That reminds me… There’s gonna be an art gallery next week featuring my great-grandma’s works, wanna come along?” 

“You didn’t mention your great-grandma was a famous painter.”

“Slipped out of my mind. Sorry. Are you gonna join me or not?”

“I will, I will. I’ve nothing to do next week.” 

Till nodded. “So are we still up for games?”

“Of course, lead the way.” Ivan said, following Till to his room. It was a cozy room, not too big and not too small, just nice enough to fit a bed, a desk, a wardrobe and other necessities. 

They played till the sun exchanged with the moon, till the sky darkened from a light crystal blue to a shade of sapphire, till they were entertained enough, till their eyes were sore from the intensity of the game. Ivan was lying on Till’s bed, staring at him intensely as Till kept their game controllers.

“Stop staring. It’s damn creepy when you do that.”

“Sorry. Can’t help it.” Ivan said, “…Your eyebags look worse than last week.”

Till frowned, walked up to the long mirror standing beside his wardrobe, and studied his face. His expression dropped once he realized how dark his eyes looked with the eyebags. “Shit.”

“Yeah. You should sleep more.”

“Does sleeping in class count?”

“Do you think it helps with your horrible eyebags?”

“…A little.”

“See what I mean?”

“Guess not.” Till sighed, moving away from the mirror to face Ivan. “Any suggestions, wise boy?”

Ivan cracked a toothy grin, his tiny fang popping out in the corner of his mouth. “Sleep earlier.”

“So I’ve been told.” Till rolled his eyes, “Got any advice that I’ve never heard before?”

“Do you have trouble sleeping?”

“What does it look like?”

“Hm,” Ivan hummed, “You can listen to sleeping ASMR, if that helps.”

“Believe me, I’ve tried.”

“You can spray your favourite perfume on your pillow case.”

“Who the fuck uses perfume?”

“Sua does. Mizi too.”

“They’re girls. I don’t indulge in make-up.”

“Perfumes only make you smell good though.”

“I’m not buying a whole bottle of perfume just to sleep well. Your advice sucks.”

“What’s your favourite smell then?” 

Till froze. He knew his answer. He knew he couldn’t just directly admit it to Ivan. No, he couldn’t. No way he was going to tell Ivan his smell was his favourite. So, Till lied straight through his pearly whites: “Nothing.”

“Nothing? You’re joking.”

“Maybe.” Till prayed silently in his head that Ivan wouldn’t question him further.

“Is it that bad?”

“Yes, it’s that bad.” Oh god, someone kill me. 

“What’s so bad about your favourite smell?”

“It’s bad because I like it.” 

“Okay, fine. What’s your second favourite smell?”

There it is. Till cursed under his breath, his gaze shying away from Ivan. Ivan and his persistence. He could just drop a subtle hint, right? 

“You know that time I borrowed one of your jerseys during basketball practice? …I liked how it smelt. I wanted to ask you what product you used on your fucking clothes because whenever we’re sitting together on the bus, it’s the same goddamn smell. And it smells great. Like actually.” 

“You… like how my clothes smell?” Ivan’s eyebrows are raised comically high, and his cheeks are dusted light pink. Holy shit. “T-That’s—”

Till’s own face burned. “No shit, genius. Now what?”

“Well,” The colour on Ivan’s face vanished, “I could lend you one of my shirts? Or you can have one of my extra pillows—”

Till grabbed a random plush toy sitting on his bed and chucked it in Ivan’s direction. Face flushed, he hissed out: “Shut up .”

— “it looks ethereal, like you.” —

여섯: a painting of warm yearning

It was no secret that Till loved drawing. His friends knew that, his teachers knew that, his classmates knew that. It was obviously no surprise that Till’s art was displayed on the school board outside of the hall every month. The art teachers loved his works, prioritising him above the rest, which was a bit unfair to the rest but Till liked the compliments that poured in whenever he drew something during class. 

He wasn’t used to random schoolmates walking up to him and asking about his skills and talents. Heck, even love letters came swarming into his locker. 

Today was no exception. As soon as the bell rang, Till hopped out of his chair and dashed right out of the classroom’s back door, sprinting over to his locker. He unlocked the code, and sitting on top of his textbooks are three new letters. Till groaned, shoving the letters into his bag and took out the books in his bag to place them in his locker. 

He wanted to reach home fast. Ivan was coming over, and there was absolutely no way Till was going to let Ivan wait at his doorstep for him. Ivan had been released earlier than he had, so the black-haired boy went home first. 

Before Till could make his way out of the gate, he was stopped by a group of juniors. A group of girls. Till grimaced at the sight of them, their skirts were way above knee-length, showing way too much leg skin. Great, Till thought, glancing at his phone. Absolutely fantastic. 

“You’re Till, right?” One of the girls asked, peering up at him with a lovesick smile. 

Till backed one step away. “…Right in the flesh.”

The girls giggled, and Till contemplated running out of here. The same girl spoke again, “God, I love your humor. The name is Arle, by the way.” Her eyes were devouring Till whole, scrutinizing him head to toe with a seductive look. “Do you want to hang out with us? I promise my girls are nice.”

Till immediately shook his head. When is this going to end? “I’d love to, but I have to get home soon. Sorry.”

Arle’s face contorted into an unreadable expression for a second, before flashing a smile at him. What the fuck is her problem? “Oh, no worries at all! We can always hang out another time, right girls?” The group of girls behind her nod in agreement. “With that being said, do you want to exchange numbers?”

Till wanted to disappear. He thought for a moment. Ivan was popular, he knew that. Was this what Ivan endured every day? Till shuddered, shaking off the thought. “Sorry, I don’t really want t—” 

Before he could finish, a firm grip on his arm yanked him backwards. Till stumbled, before knocking into someone’s chest. “Who the fu—” He paused when he craned his head upwards to see a most familiar face. 

“Ivan?!” Till gawked at him. Ivan was wearing a black turtleneck with a beige coat, and Till wanted to whip out his phone to capture his look. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

Ivan looked down at him, all smiley. “I came to fetch you, so here I am. But you looked like you were being harrassed, so…” His face switched to one Till had never seen before. He looked cold, menacing, and it frightened Till. He would question why, but he realized something else that was more crucial. 

Ivan’s right arm had snaked around Till’s waist, holding him close to his broad chest. Till shrieked, jumping up in shock and hitting Ivan in the chin, earning a yelp from the taller. 

“W-What the fuck, Ivan?!” Till pointed a shaky finger in Ivan’s face. His legs were trembling. That was too close for Till’s liking. 

“Ouch!! What was that for?” Ivan whined, completely ignoring how they were causing a scene in front of the group of girls, who were now casting one another questionable looks. 

“You tell me! Why the fuck were you—” Till stopped, breathing in and collecting himself. “Ah, fuck it. Let’s just go.” He grabbed Ivan’s hand and pulled him out of the school gates, not even glancing back to bid farewell to the girls. 

Ivan obediently followed him, their hands still interlocked together. Only after a few minutes did Till realize he was still holding onto Ivan’s hand tightly, and released his hand like it burned. (It did, in fact, burn Till’s hand like a heated metal block.) 

“Never do that again.” Till warned, shaking his hand aggressively to cool off the heat. His palm was sweaty from holding onto Ivan’s, and he desperately hoped Ivan wasn’t disgusted. 

“I was saving you from the girls.”

“I know. But did you have to manhandle me?”

“Manhandle is a strong word for a light embrace, Till.”

“Alright, fine. Let’s change the word. Did you really have to hold me?”

Till was hoping for some reaction from the latter, but Ivan just shrugged. “It was an immediate reaction. I do the same for Sua whenever a group of boys swarm around her.” 

“That’s different, dude. Sua’s your sister, I’m your best friend. We’re not the same person.”

“What’s the difference? You’re both dear to me.”

“…You know what, let’s change the subject. What are we going to do once we reach my house?”

Ivan gave Till a look. “We agreed to study together, didn’t we?”

Till felt himself deflate. “Oh. Right. Yeah.”

“Also, did you receive any letters today?”

“Yeah. Three letters today.”

Ivan smiled. “I got five today.”

Till narrowed his eyes. “What, is this a competition?”

“We could make it one.”

“No we don’t. We already have a decided winner.”

“You flatter me, Till.”

The rest of the walk to Till’s humble abode was quiet. Till could feel the cold afternoon breeze brush by his skin. It was mid-autumn, his birth season. He loved it when autumn came around, stargazing was always better during this time of the year. He would invite his group of friends out for a night, spending hours under the stars, just talking like they had something to save.

They arrived at Till’s doorstep, and he unlocked the door with his spare key. The house was dark and empty, none of it told Till someone was home. “My parents must have gone out. Come in, Ivan.” Till waved behind his back, walking into the house and slipping off his sneakers. “I’ll go prepare some snacks and drinks for us. Wait upstairs in my room for me.”

Ivan nodded, oddly quiet. But Till knew better than to press him about it. When he was done in the kitchen, he carried the tray of snacks and glasses of grape juice and strolled out into the hallway. Till halted as he spotted Ivan right on the stairs, admiring a painting on the wall. Seriously, what was with Ivan and his house paintings?

“Ivan.” Till said, reaching the bottom of the staircase.

Ivan twisted his head to look at Till, and smiled. “Hey, Till. All good?”

“Yeah. What are you staring at?”

“A painting.” Ivan’s gaze returned back to the painting as Till walked and stood beside him. “It’s beautiful.”

Till snorted. “You say that to every painting in my house.”

“Because they are beautiful. Did you paint everything?”

“No, some of them belong to my great-grandparents.”

“So you got your love for art from them?”

“Probably.”

“Have you drawn anyone before?”

“I have. Why?”

“Just curious. Let’s get started on studying, shall we?” Ivan said as he hopped up the stairs, and Till followed in suit, holding the tray of food.

They talked, studied, and snacked until Ivan had to head home. The sun exchanged with the moon and the stars, and as Till cleaned up, he noticed Ivan concentrated on a portrait hanging above his desk. “What are you looking at now?” Till asked, walking up to Ivan with a trash bag in hand.

“Did you draw that?”

It was now that Till realized Ivan was staring at his painting of the beach they first met. Till felt his cheeks heat. “Y-Yeah, I drew that.”

“ Wow .” Ivan sounded breathless, and Till wanted to faint right there and then. “Isn’t this the beach we met at?”

“It is. Yeah.” 

“I’m surprised you even remember what the beach looks like.”

“I have a photographic memory. Maybe thank my brain for that.”

Ivan chuckled. “Thank you Till’s brain.”

“He says, ‘You’re welcome.’ ” Till grinned cheekily, and Ivan laughed. 

“Seriously though. This is beautiful.” 

“Thanks. I spent half a day on this.”

“Time well spent.”

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t you have to go? It’s getting late. You have a curfew, don’t you?” Till urged Ivan. If he spoke any more compliments, Till might blurt out something dangerous that could threaten their friendship. 

“Can’t I look at it a bit longer?” Ivan slurred his words, slumping his shoulders as Till pushed him out of his room and down the stairs. “You’re so mean, Till.”

“You can come to admire it another day.”

“But—”

“I’ll shove you down the stairs if I hear another word out of your mouth.”

Ivan didn’t say a word for the rest of the way down. They reached the front door, and Till waited silently as Ivan slipped on his shoes.

“See you tomorrow, Till.” 

“See you.” 

The house was quiet as Till closed the door after Ivan left. He walked up to his room, and looked at the beach painting they were staring at a few minutes before. 

Till didn’t tell Ivan there was a date in each of the paintings he had done, and the beach painting was created the day after they had met. The memory was so vivid in his mind, he had the sudden burst of motivation to paint out a whole landscape in honor of their fated meeting. 

There were other paintings Till had done, ones that weren’t hung up on the walls, instead they were kept away in a box somewhere in his closet. Till cracked open his closet and crouched down, opening a box. There was a date on each of his paintings.

And all of the paintings were of the places Till and Ivan had visited together before over the years. 

Till smiled softly, taking his paintings and placing them on his carpeted bedroom floor. There were fifteen in total, and each was significant to Till.

He wouldn’t say they were paintings of yearning, it was more like a placeholder for all the memories he had made with Ivan over the years. But he had never done this sort of thing with his other friends before, only Ivan.

… Shit, I’m so in love. 

— “diagnosed sickness named love.” —

일곱: before and after the storm

“It’s raining.”

“Anyone with eyes can see that, Ivan.”

“Did you bring an umbrella?”

“Hm. Did I?”

“I have a spare.”

“You know me so well, Ivan. I might just have to stop speaking to you for a few weeks.” Till grinned.

Ivan returned a grin of his own. “It won’t change anything. I’d still remember.” And he took out a black umbrella from his bag.

Till opened it. “Thanks. Let’s go… home?”

Ivan opened his own umbrella. “What else do you think we can do other than go home?” He had a lopsided grin on his face, his tone teasing.

“I don’t know. Maybe we can dance in the rain like kids do.” 

“Still a boy at heart, aren’t you?”

“Mm, yeah. I know a place. Follow me.”

And Ivan followed him. At first they were walking at a slow pace, wary of the rain drenching their school uniforms. Then, Till didn’t know when and how, but he started running. Ivan shouted something behind him, but he couldn’t hear it from the elements drowning them out. And then, Ivan was chasing him. Till listened to the heavy pounding of shoes against concrete pavement and his heart was threatening to jump out of his chest.

Having someone chase after you while the rain poured down was so blissful. 

This moment right now, seemed a bit too intimate. Till swallowed, and spared a glance backwards. His breath caught in his throat at Ivan’s laughing face, his hair soaked and his clothes dripping wet. His eyes. God, his eyes. They gleamed and twinkled. Ivan was running after him with mirth in his eyes.

Ivan laughed again, and Till found himself laughing along. Somehow, the rain hadn’t drowned out their laughter, and Till wondered if this was a law of the universe— to hear the voice of someone you love even when in the loudest and rowdiest place.

They had long abandoned their umbrellas, clenching them at their sides and focusing on their cat and mouse chase instead. They ran, ran, ran until the downpour stopped. Until all the sounds in the world disappeared and they could only hear each other.

“Fuck, I’m wet head to toe.”

“You’re not the only one.”

“Who told you to chase after me?”

“Because I wanted to.” Ivan said it with such straightforwardness Till wanted to ask if he got a degree in Blunt and Unnerved professionalism. “Are you touched?”

“Nah. Try harder. Maybe I’ll fall in love with you.”

Ivan chuckled. “Maybe.”

“Yeah. Maybe.” Till said. 

They squeezed their clothes dry in silence. Till couldn’t tell if it was a comfortable or uncomfortable silence. He hoped it was the first. 

“Where is the place?”

“What?”

“The place you wanted to show me. That’s why I followed you.”

“Oh. Right.” Till looked around, and miraculously, he recognized his surroundings. “It’s around here. We can go, after we dry our clothes first.”

“Okay.” 

And they did just that. When they finish, their clothes still wet but not that uncomfortable to walk in, they set off. Till turned a corner, Ivan did the same. Till stopped at a squirrel passing by, Ivan did the same. Till waved at the elderly people who lived in the area, Ivan did the same. They walked, until Till made a right and stopped at the bottom of a long flight of stairs. 

Ivan stood behind him, confused. “Are we going to climb up?”

“Yeah.” Till answered, and climbed up the stairs. “Follow.”

Ivan was clutching both of their umbrellas in his hands, him wanting to be a gentleman and all, Till found his innocence adorable. “What’s up there?”

“Why don’t you climb and find out?”

“A surprise. I like that.”

“Of course you do.”

“Of course I do.”

“Wiseass. Climb faster.”

“You expect me to climb faster after we literally just ran a marathon?”

“You have the build of a bodybuilder. And your stamina is better than mine.”

“Can’t I just say I’m tired?”

“I don’t know. I’m not stopping you. Why didn’t you just say you are?”

“I like to beat around the bush, let people guess.”

“You’re the weirdest person I’ve ever met.” Till said.

“I’ll hold on to that. At—” Ivan peeked at his watch on his wrist, “5.04pm on 6th May 2024, Till told me: ‘ You’re the weirdest person I’ve ever met. ’”

Till laughed. “Never letting that go?”

Ivan laughed. “Never.”

They reached the top of the stairs, and the view nearly knocked the breath right out of Till’s lungs. Has the scenery ever been this beautiful? Till glanced at Ivan, and the boy’s eyes were brighter than any bright object in the universe. And Till wondered, if the reason why Ivan’s eyes always shone and lit up like a bonfire whenever he was captivated by something, was a law of the universe.

It seemed that every law of the universe applied to Ivan. Every secret the universe held, always began with Ivan. Was this also another law of the universe? And, it seemed that all of Till’s questions of the universe were always left unanswered. Typical. The universe hated him and favoured his best friend. The irony was a punch to Till’s guts.

If every secret of the universe began with Ivan, when was he going to allow Till in and answer the curiosity he always had of the universe?

“Are you going to draw?” Ivan asked him. 

Till looked at him questionably. “I didn’t bring my sketchbook today. What made you think I wanted to come up here to draw?”

“Well, for starters,” Ivan smiled, and pointed to the view laid out in front of them. “The scenery up here is gorgeous. And don’t you draw things that catch your interest? Does this not catch your eye?”

Till rolled his eyes, pinching Ivan’s cheek playfully. “Aren’t you a smartass? I already drew this view before, for your information.”

“Oh.” Till could hear disappointment in Ivan’s voice. And he wanted to laugh. 

Ivan. Ivan seemed to always know how to make him laugh. No matter how. And Till couldn’t help but ask himself— just how many universal laws was Ivan following?

“Don’t be like that.”

“Be like what?”

“Don’t get all sad on me now, asshat. I brought you up here to do something more fun than drawing.”

“I never thought I’d ever hear you say anything was better than drawing.”

“Now you have. Keep those umbrellas.” Till reached for two more sturdy umbrellas in his bag, and Ivan raised an eyebrow. 

“You had two umbrellas on you the entire time and you didn’t tell me?”

“These umbrellas aren’t for keeping yourself dry from the rain, thank you very much.” Till opened one of the umbrellas. “They’re made of a special material. My grandfather made them. We would come here and we’d bring these umbrellas each time.”

Ivan looked more confused than ever. “And why would we need these umbrellas?”

Till grinned. “Watch me.” 

He gripped the handle of his umbrella tightly, closed his eyes and leapt off the concrete edge. He heard Ivan loudly gasping behind him, and he could feel Ivan reaching out to him. But why would he need to worry?

Till opened his eyes. His teal eyes gleaming with childhood-like joy as he floated in the air, his grip firm and unrelenting on his umbrella. He stayed in the air, feeling the wind brushing against his skin and the sunlight kissing his cheeks. He felt so happy. He turned his head to look at Ivan, and there the boy was, staring at him wide-eyed with astonishment and not fear. 

Till loved that. Fear never should belong on Ivan’s face. And that fear should never come from him. And that was another law of the universe.

He twisted and turned to float down slowly and carefully, and finally relaxed once his feet landed on solid ground. Till lifted his head up heavenwards, and saw Ivan’s smile, his signature fang peeked out from the corner of his lips. He headed right back up where Ivan was waiting, smiling all the same.

“That was so cool, Till.” Ivan said with awe, and Till felt happier than ever. 

“Cooler than drawing.” Till said.

“Cooler than drawing.” Ivan replied. “Can I try?”

Till smiled. “I didn’t bring two damn umbrellas for no fucking reason, you piece of shit.” Wow, he cursed a lot in one sentence.

Ivan laughed, and it was like the whole world shut them out for a moment— all Till could hear was Ivan, and all Ivan could hear was Till. “What if I drop straight down?”

“Do you have health insurance?”

“I sure as hell don’t.”

“Well then, I might have to pay for your hospital bills.”

Ivan threw his head back and laughed. “ Might? Where’s the reassurance, Till?”

“Shut up and go fly in the air. I’ll watch you.” 

“I don’t think I have as much trust as you do in these umbrellas.”

“Trust those umbrellas as much as you trust me.”

“That’ll work. You watching?”

“Always.”

Ivan smiled, and Till smiled back. Because— fuck, what was he supposed to even do in this moment anyway? He was no good with words. He expressed himself in the melody of music and the beauty of art, never vowels in the wind or letters on paper. Well, probably except the journal he’d kept since twelve.

He watched keenly as Ivan opened his umbrella. His hands shook as he held the handle. Till noticed, and he laughed. “Idiot. If you tremble, you’ll fall with that grip.”

“I’m mentally preparing myself, Till.”

“Are you done mentally preparing yourself?”

“Maybe. Not sure.”

“If you don’t start soon, the sun is gonna set and all you’re gonna see is void underneath you while you fly. Don’t want that, do you?”

“…Guess not.”

Ivan hesitated. 

Till heaved himself up and walked over to the boy. “Hey. If you don’t want to do this, you don’t need to. Don’t force yourself.”

“No,” Ivan shook his head, hand clenching the handle of his umbrella tighter until his knuckles turned sheet white. “I can do it. Just— can you do it with me?”

Till smiled, sighing. “You’re a piece of work, you know that?” His hand returned to his own umbrella. 

Ivan grinned. “I try to be. Glad you finally noticed.”

“I’m not. Now, are you ready?” 

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”

“And how ready are you?”

“Nowhere close to the ready you are at.”

“That makes no sense.”

“I know.”

“You’re impossible.”

“I know. I’m possible.”

Till rolled his eyes, laughing. “Alright, wise guy. Show me what you got. You just jump and let the wind and umbrella do all the work for you, got that?”

“I only got one part.”

“And what’s that?”

“When you called me a wise guy.”

“Oh gods, you’re truly impossible.” Till could die from all the laughter that was bubbling out of his throat right now, “On the count of 3—”

“—2,”

“1!”

Till shut his eyes closed. When he finally reopened them, laughter filled his ears. “Till! Look! Holy shit— I’m actually floating in the air!” Ivan called out from in front of him, twisting his umbrella in all directions, seeing what there was to see. He had the happiest look on his face right now, and Till’s wide grin paled in comparison to his. 

Ivan was happy, and so was Till. And they floated in the air for god knows how long. 

By the time they touched the ground and the wind had grown stronger, the sun had already begun dipping into the horizon. 

Ivan was restless. “Can we go again, Till? That was so fucking awesome .”

Till chuckled. Sometimes, he swore he could see the child in Ivan take over whenever he was excited. It was like giving a child a candy and promising there’ll be more to come. “Another day. The wind’s picking up, and it’s getting dark.”

“Well, it’s only getting dark. The sun’s still out. And so what if the wind’s picking up? Isn’t that a good thing?” 

“Sometimes you can be so damn stupid for a guy who gets straight As every semester. If the wind’s too strong, we’ll get blown away into a faraway place.”

“Oh.” Ivan paused, “We’ll get blown far, far away?”

“Yeah,” Till answered, “We’ll get blown far, far away.”

“But that doesn’t seem so bad, does it?”

“How so?”

“We could get blown to a faraway place, where there’s no people— maybe there is but no one knows us— and the surroundings are nature, just flowers and trees and animals, and it’s just the both of us. I’d really like that.”

— “it was never me, was it?” —

여덟: hope across the years

Till knew what jealousy felt like. Of course he did. It was a common emotion, it wasn’t unheard of. Though, he would never really expect that his jealousy over Ivan would be this immense. 

Sure, he’d get fussy over the fact the girls in his school get to be all over Ivan, some even trying to touch his arms and hands, which annoyed the hell out of Till. 

And yet, Ivan didn’t bat an eye. He treated all the girls as normal and the day went on. Usually, whenever girls would crowd around Ivan during lunch break or in the hallways, Till would dip and escape, leaving Ivan alone to deal with the fangirls. 

But today, in particular, there was something amiss in Ivan’s eyes as some female students pulled him away from Till.

Till blinked. His feet were rooted to the ground. There was a girl standing beside Ivan, and she linked her arm around his. And Ivan—

Ivan was smiling, blushing, laughing as if he was having the time of his life talking with the group of girls. Till felt his ears ringing. 

When lunch time ended, Till decided to question Ivan. “You didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend.” 

Ivan flinched. “No— She isn’t my girlfriend. Okay, well, she probably is.”

“What do you mean you don’t know if she’s your girlfriend or not?”

“It’s more of a… contract thing.”

Till frowned. “What contract thing?”

Ivan’s voice was uncharacteristically quiet as he spoke. “My parents… They arranged for me to marry a girl when I turn 20.” 

“Oh.” Till struggled to form a response. Did Ivan want comfort now or what? “Then… Is she your type?”

“Not really.”

“So what’s your type?”

Ivan laughed. “We’re seriously discussing this now?”

“Yeah we are. What’s your type?”

“Probably someone who knows their stuff, is nice but isn’t afraid to say snarky remarks, can play at least one instrument or be able to sing— I wanna make a song with them one day, kind to everyone they see… That’s about it.”

“That’s complicated.”

“Sure is. Only one person has achieved to fit my type.”

“And who’s that? Another girl I don’t know of?”

Ivan sighed fondly. “Till, has it never occurred to you that I am bisexual?”

Till froze, gaping at Ivan with wide eyes and mouth hung open. “You’re bisexual?!”

“I thought that would be pretty obvious by now.”

“Or maybe I’m just stupid. Fuck. I didn’t know you like boys and girls. Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“So who’s that one person who fits your type?”

Ivan lowered his head, staring at his feet. He closed his eyes, lifted his head up and smiled at Till. “A boy.”

“What’s his name?”

“Find out for yourself.”

“Oh, come on. Just tell me his name. I probably won’t even know that dude anyway.” 

“That’s the issue. You know this dude well, so I’m not telling you.”

“Ivan, I don’t even know half the student population in school. And I literally have zero friends.”

“If you have zero friends, what am I?”

“My best friend.” Till grinned.

Ivan laughed. “Then what about Mizi and the others?”

“They’re my close friends. You’re different from them.”

“Aren’t they the same thing?”

“No. You’re my best friend, they’re my close friends. You’re the best out of all of them.”

Till didn’t remember the rest of their conversation from there, but he was positive Ivan had not changed his decision in not telling his crush. He reached home with a sour taste on his tongue, and he knew exactly why.

— “would we be together forever?” —

아홉: serenity by the shore

Ivan and Till strolled side by side along the deserted beach, the soft sand squishing between their toes like clay. They were at the same beach they met at, and somehow, Till felt more nervous than ever. The sky above was painted in shades of pink and orange as the sun began it’s descent, casting a warm glow over the beach. 

Till breathed in the tranquility of the beach. “Sea air smells good. Smells salty, but clear.”

Ivan chuckled, holding Till’s hand with his own and led him down to the water. “Take in as much air as you like.”

With each step down, Till felt the gentle lull of the ocean waves washing up against the shore. Till kicked off his sandals and dipped his toes into the cool water, Ivan following in suit. They stood fully in the waters, laughing at the odd but refreshing sensation of the sea enveloping their feet. Their laughter mingled with the splashing of the soft waves as they danced around each other in the shallows. 

Till’s heart soared. It felt like it had cut itself into thousands of more small hearts that beat at the same time. He looked at Ivan, and— god , he looked so carefree. 

“The ocean looks so clear at this time.” Ivan said. He yelped as Till kicked sand towards him, and he chased him until they were even. 

“We can see each other.” Till said.

“We can, and—” Ivan tackled him in a bear hug, “We can see who hugs who.”

Till laughed. On the outside, he wore a neutral face. On the inside, his chest had bursted into millions and millions of colours. His stomach grew warm as Ivan’s arms lingered around his stomach for a bit too long, and he found himself hugging the black-haired boy back.

Ivan let him go, and Till fought back the urge to pull him back into his arms but he held himself back. “Let’s go on a walk.”

“I don’t think we can go for a walk in these clothes.” Till pointed down to their soiled clothes.

“Correction. Let’s go on a walk by the beach.” 

“Gladly. Let’s get out of the water.”

“No we’re not. We’re walking in the water.”

“In your dreams. We’re getting out.”

“No we’re not. We’re walking in the water, and that’s final.”

Till sighed. “Who’s winning this argument?”

“Me. Ivan. The one and only. We’re walking in the water.” Ivan grinned, feeling accomplished and he grabbed Till’s hand with his own. 

Their fingers intertwined, and Ivan pulled Till along as they strolled in the water quietly. A sense of peace washed over Till. The world seemed to stand still in that moment, as the both of them walked in comfortable silence, Till’s hand in Ivan’s. They occasionally stopped to collect seashells or watch a flock of seabirds soared overhead.

“Are you gonna hold my hand forever?” Till asked playfully. Ivan glanced back, an unreadable expression on his face. 

“I won’t if you don’t get out of the water when I let go.”

“I won’t.”

“Okay.” Ivan let go of his hand. “I’m thinking right now.”

“Alright. Where are you now?”

“Thinking about whether I could ask you a question.”

“Are you going to ask me right now?”

“I’m thinking about it.”

“Okay. Take your time.” And they lapsed into silence. The silence stretched on, until Till couldn’t handle any longer without hearing Ivan’s occasional hum or random science fact nonsense, he nudged Ivan’s shoulder.

“Oi. Are you done thinking?”

Ivan nudged back. “Give me five more seconds.”

Till groaned, but his heartbeat spiked up at the touch. “Fine. Five,”

Thump.

“Four.”

Thump.

“Three.”

Thump.

“Two.”

Thump.

“One.” Till finished counting at the same time as Ivan whispered: “Do you think we’d be together in every universe?”

“What?” 

“I said, do you think we’d be together in every universe?” 

“Obviously. What kind of fucking question is that?”

“Really? Even in the cruelest ones?”

“Would you still be an idiot in the rest of them?”

“I’m not an idiot.”

“Sure you aren’t.”

“I’m sure.” Ivan didn’t push for more, and Till relaxed. 

Do you think we’d be together in every universe?  

Somehow, Till thought, he would still fall in love with Ivan in every universe.

If the universe and Ivan would let him, of course.

— “내 부드러움은 당신만을 위한 것입니다.” —

열: languages of the flora

“What the fuck are these names.” Till deadpanned, eyeing the long list of flowers Hyuna was holding. 

“Right? I can’t believe Miz wants to be a florist in the future. These fucking names are so hard to pronounce.”

“What the hell is Amaryllis ?”

“You know what I think?”

“What?”

“We should just say fuck it and head back and tell Mizi we’re not going to buy these flowers for her.”

“Just say it’s too much work, you asshole. We’re not doing that. Seeing Mizi disappointed is like shooting me in the chest.”

“If we’re doing this hunting-flower-searching thing, you’re the one leading.”

“Then you’re the one paying.”

“Oh hell no.”

“No takebacks.”

Hyuna threw a punch at Till’s shoulder, and he laughed.

————

“What are you looking at?” Ivan leaned over Till’s shoulder as the silver-haired boy tried to decipher flower languages. Till was sitting at his desk, doing perfectly fine with his research alone until Ivan showed up at his house uninvited and now he couldn’t concentrate. 

“Helping Mizi.” Till replied as he balanced a pencil on his upper lip. He shuffled through the papers Mizi had given him the day before, and unfortunately, he was tasked with researching the meanings of the flowers listed on the papers. 

“Flower languages?” Ivan straightened and took a piece of paper to look at it closely, “Why would Mizi want you to do this?”

“Well, Mizi and Sua’s three year anniversary is in two months, and Mizi wants to do something special for Sua. So she roped me and Hyuna in and now I’m here.” Till squinted at his laptop screen. “I can’t figure out this shit.”

“Ah, the meaning of flowers… Mizi is quite a romantic, isn’t she?” Ivan chuckled. “Is she doing a bouquet of flowers for Sua?”

“She hasn’t told me in full detail what she’s going to do yet, but probably.”

“Well, Sua doesn’t really like flowers.”

A beat passed between them.

“Shit.”

“Yeah. I just thought you needed to know that.”

“Crap. Ah, fuck it. Whatever. As long as it’s Mizi’s doing, Sua’s going to like it. Who gives a shit.”

“I mean, Sua is crazy over Mizi. I can see that happening.”

“ Crazy? For fuck’s sake, she’s more than crazy.” 

Ivan laughed, and Till smiled. Ivan’s laughter was an infectious, contagious, life-threatening disease, and Till was a victim. 

“Since you’re stuck in this mess, I’m gonna use your kitchen. You haven’t eaten yet, right?”

“You came all the way to my house just to cook?”

“I like your kitchen. And there’s this one recipe I found that I want to try.” Ivan scooted to the door, and winked at Till. “And also because I want you to be the first person to taste test it.” 

He shut the door and the room went quiet. 

Till should be more productive now that the source of noise was gone, but it seemed like the universe was against him today. He sighed, taking off his headphones. He decided to key in one last search for the day. He looked at the paper, squinting at it slightly before his fingers began typing on his keyboard. 

The answer he was looking for popped up in seconds. Till read his laptop screen. “ Myrtaceae , native to Australia…” Till pronounced, “ Blue Gum - The gentlest tree in the world.”

Because of the toxicity it contained, Blue Gum killed all the plants around it and only allowed a bird called the Long Mountain Magpie to perch on it. That was why it’s flower language was: My tenderness is for you alone.

Till raised his head at once when there came a knock on his door, and Ivan appeared behind it, wearing a silly apron and one side of his hair clipped up. He was saying something, probably asking about his food preference for tonight. 

Till just nodded and Ivan was gone. 

He didn’t know why he got out of his chair and exited his room and headed for the living room. He sat down on the sofa and looked at Ivan. 

From where he was sitting, he was given a clear view of the kitchen and the boy in his childhood apron standing in front of the stove. 

Till watched Ivan bend over, rolling meatballs on the counter that didn't quite match his height, throwing them into the frying pan and deep-frying them, the pan emitting the sound of crackling oil popping, mixed with the noise of the whirring range hood.

At that moment, Till realized that Ivan was incredibly in tune with the plant, Blue Gum .

A gentle smile crept up to his face, and he continued to watch the boy— wearing his stupid pokka dotted apron—  have the time of his life in his small kitchen.

— “let’s see the cherry blossoms again next year.” —

일레븐: on cherry blossoms

The cherry blossoms had fully bloomed around March 27th, then passed and gone on April 5th. Seasons changing always seemed so interesting to Till. Happy to watch the seasons change, he often caught himself looking at the trees far more than he should have.

Ivan and Till went on dates at various places whenever they walked home together.

Everytime they passed the park near the school, they would stop and grin at each other before entering the park to catch the cherry blossoms. The cherry trees extended their branches over the pavement, creating flowered eaves that hung in the sky. It was a sight to behold, and Till felt a sense of euphoria tingle his mind and body.

They were eighteen, and they were going to graduate in a few months. They could go anywhere they wanted. So, Till found himself dragging Ivan through the route from their school to the park to walk under the cherry trees, even on the days where Ivan whined about wanting to go home straight away.

They walked side by side beneath the cherry trees. There were countless petals strewn across the pavement like confetti. The air smelled pink. Odd, but not unwelcomed as Till lifted his head slightly to take in deep breaths. The branches spotted the pavement they were walking on in silence with their shadows, if it were not day right now, Till would have probably ran out of here.

Ivan was the one to break the silence. “I’m going to say something.”

“You’re already saying something.” Till answered him.

“I’m going to say another something.”

“Okay.” Till smiled.

Ivan smiled. “Cherry blossoms fall at five centimeters per second.”

“Another one of your science facts?”

“Yeah. But this one caught my eye.”

“People really calculate the speed of falling cherry blossoms?”

“Of course. People are bored humans.”

Till tossed his head back and laughed. “They are. You’re living proof of that.”

“I take full offense to that.”

“Tell me someone else who reads children science magazines when they’re bored?”

“A lot of people. Luka, for example.”

“No way. Luka reads children science magazines during his free time?”

“You’d be surprised. I introduced him to it.”

“Of course you did.”

“Of course I did.”

The petals rained down fiercely, as if they were walking through a storm. Till reached out for a cherry blossom, yet it slipped through the gaps of his fingers and escaped out of his hand. Till sighed, and Ivan laughed. 

At that moment, Till felt like his being was the most blessed in the world. And Ivan was the one who made him feel like he was worth all the beauty in the world.

Frankly, Ivan was the beautiful one, not Till, but Ivan would argue with him about the matter until their graves so he decided to accept the fact he was pretty. 

“I want to run.” Ivan said.

“What’s stopping you?” Was Till’s response. 

They looked each other in the eye, and just like that, they took off. They looked like idiots, running through the tunnel of cherry blossoms with their backpacks bouncing behind their backs. But if Till were to look like an idiot now, at least Ivan looked like an idiot with him. 

The shadows of the branches and the sunlight that shone between them ran alternately over Till’s eyes as he chased Ivan down the pavement. He was pretty sure he called out to Ivan, and Ivan called back, but he couldn’t hear anything above the sound of their feet crunching against the dead cherry petals on the ground and the sound of their heavy breathing. 

That was odd. Wasn’t hearing Ivan clearly even above the loudest of noise a law of the universe? 

Before Till could think further, he spotted Ivan running towards a railroad in front of them. The train line appeared to run through the very center of the park. The signal started to clang, and Till saw the crossing gate slowly began it’s descent.

Ivan crossed the tracks before the gate came down. And even though the cherry trees had stopped a while back— Till realized now there weren’t any cherry trees around them— wind-tossed petals came fluttering onto the tracks.

Anxiety filled Till. He stood in front of the crossing gate, his legs wobbled and his hands trembled as he fought for air. He wanted to shout Ivan’s name.

Before he could do that, a deafening train came hurtling between them. Ivan was on the other side. Till was on this side. And that was all it took to fill his mind with negative thoughts.

What if Ivan wasn’t there anymore?

Ivan was a runner. He would be running off by now, wouldn’t he?

Till inhaled a sharp breath, and waited anxiously for the train to leave. It did, and the ear-splitting noise died down as the crossing gate started to rise. 

Ivan was still there on the other side of the tracks. And that was all the confirmation he needed that Ivan wasn’t going anywhere. 

Till hurried forward, and Ivan moved forward to meet him in the middle of the train tracks. Spring afternoon sunlight shone down on them, the thick air of spring surrounded them like fog, and the cherry blossoms were scattered all around them. 

Ivan smiled, so Till smiled. Then Ivan laughed, and Till laughed. They stood on the tracks and just laughed their hearts out. It was only until the crossing gate creaked and slowly came down did they stop their laughter and got off the railroad. 

Till thought Ivan was as pretty as the cherry blossoms that day.

— “we can’t be together forever, can we?” —

열두: the idea of selfishness

“What college or university would you be applying to after graduation?” Ivan asked him one chilly night as they laid on the blankets they placed on the grass in his backyard. They decided to stargaze together one last time before their examinations began. 

“I want to attend Springfield University of Fine Arts. It’s the uni I’ve always wanted to go to.”

“Springfield… That’s pretty far. Isn’t that overseas?”

“Yeah. I figured I’d get out of home for a while and travel out. Learn more about the world and the cultures and all. What about you?”

“I’m not sure yet. I’m fine with any uni. My degree probably won’t even matter since I’m inheriting my father’s company anyway.”

“Rich kid activities.”

“Do I look like I enjoy doing rich kid activities?”

“Sometimes.”

“You must know me more than I do because never in my life have I remembered I enjoyed doing rich kid activities.”

“Maybe. Hey. It’s Lyra.” Till raised his arm and pointed to the sky, his other arm buried under his head. 

“Look to your right. That’s Aquila.” Ivan replied, and for the rest of the night, they talked about the stars, the sky, and the universe. 

Ivan quietened down and Till noticed. He noticed a lot of things, and many of them came from Ivan. “Where is your head now, Ivan?”

“I’m thinking about something.”

“You keep thinking any more and your head might just explode from all the thinking you’re doing.”

“Sounds nice.”

“Are you a masochist?”

“I’m considering it.”

“Being a masochist isn’t something you need to consider.”

“Anyway, aren’t you gonna ask me what I was thinking?”

“Fine. What about?” Till prompted.

“You know, lying under the night sky, looking up at the stars— it makes the universe look so big and frightening. Like there’s a whole other world out there we don’t know of, and what secrets they hold.” Ivan breathed in, “…It makes me feel so small. Insignificant.”

“Me too.” Till whispered. He didn’t know what else to say, so he didn’t say anything after that. Ivan continued to ramble, and Till didn’t stop him. It was sort of a win-win situation, listening to Ivan talk. But the words lingered in his mind.

The universe was big, Till would give it that. It was mysterious how the stars would only appear at night. If the sun, a bright object, could enter the day sky, why couldn’t the moon and the stars? 

Secrets, secrets, secrets. Till was tired of secrets, especially the ones the universe was holding. He believed all his life he would one day find the secrets of the universe, the meaning of it all. 

Ivan startled him by shaking his shoulder. “Till! Look, a shooting star! Quick, make a wish!” It was funny, how Ivan used to not believe in shooting stars.

Till closed his eyes and made two wishes. When he reopened them, he found Ivan’s black ones. Ivan smiled, so Till smiled. Ivan turned his head away and stared up at the stars in the sky. As always, the stars were drowning in his eyes.

Till believed people could find the secrets of the universe by staring into someone’s eyes. And, he guessed, he wasn’t wrong. Ivan’s eyes were beautiful.

Till’s wishes :

1 - Get into Springfield University of Fine Arts after graduation.

2 - Ivan.

— “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” —

열세: on top of the world

“I can’t believe you.” Till hissed groggily, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he leaned on the front doorway. Standing on his doorstep was Ivan, dressed casually in a white t-shirt and jeans and a jacket thrown over his shoulders. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Some people— Fuck, no. Everyone, in fact, is trying to sleep now. It’s two in the fucking morning, Ivan.”

“Well, you’re awake now for me, aren’t you? I’m here to bring you out.”

“At two in the morning? I’m slamming this door right now.”

“Hey, wait! Come now, just throw on some shirt and long pants and we’ll be good to go.”

Till groaned, walking back into the house. “You’re lucky I tolerate your bullshit, you dick.” He flipped him off and headed up the stairs. Ivan smiled and remained where he was, and patiently waited for the other boy to get a change of clothes.

Till finished after a few minutes, and before he could get another complaint out, Ivan grabbed him by the hand, locked the door for him, and hopped down the doorstep stairs. Till grumbled, and didn’t bother wasting his breath asking where Ivan was bringing him. 

They walked for a good while until Ivan stopped in his tracks. Till raised an eyebrow. It was way too dark and he couldn’t see what expression Ivan was making. “Why’d you stop?”

“We’re almost there. Pretty much there, actually.”

“We’re in the middle of a sidewalk, Ivan. I don’t see anything up ahead.”

“That’s why I said we’re almost there.”

“Define almost.”

“Getting you out of bed at two in the morning gives you a shitty mood, huh?”

“Yeah and it’s a miracle how I didn’t slam the door in your face when you showed up.”

“But you didn’t, and that’s what matters. Over there.” Ivan made a hand motion to the right of them, and Till twisted his head to see a hill.

“Please tell me we’re not climbing.”

“I can carry you.”

“I’m heading back home.”

“Wait! Hold on, I really want to show you something.” 

Till contemplated for a moment, before agreeing with a grunt. “It’d better be worth it for waking me up at two in the damn morning.”

Ivan smiled. “I promise it’s worth it.”

“Keep that promise if not I’m going home this instant.”

“Don’t be such a pessimist, Till. Light up a little.”

“I don’t think anyone would appreciate being woken up to banging on their front door, Ivan.”

“Sorry. You weren’t answering my calls.”

“I was sleeping and my phone was on silent. Like how a normal person would do.”

“Well, I’m not a normal person.”

“Yeah, you’re a fucking weirdo.” 

“You’re following a weirdo right now. Let’s start climbing.”

“I’m making this a race.” Till rolled up his sleeves, “If I reach up there first, you buy me food. If you reach up there first, you buy us food.”

Ivan shook his head and sighed fondly. Times like this could never get old. “Fine. I woke you up at an ungodly hour anyway.”

“Self-awareness is a good thing.” 

And they began climbing. Their climb up was anything but silence, Till cursing as he climbed and Ivan saying random things to prevent the silence from happening. When they finally reached the top, they forgot all about the race.

At the top of the hill, it wasn’t a large space. You could easily fit three people on here, five if you really tried. It was small, Till should be worried if they accidentally tripped and fell off. But instead, something else caught his attention. The full view of the entire city below his feet.

Till’s breath caught in his throat, and suddenly he was breathless. Oh wow. “This is beautiful.”

“I know.” Ivan’s voice was small, and suddenly, Till saw the boy in him take over again. “It’s really beautiful.”

“How’d you know of this place?” Till decided to ask. He couldn’t allow the silence to approach again, that’d be too awkward.

“I found it when I was a child. I liked to climb things. So one day I escaped the house late at night and came here. I would climb and sit here until the sun rises.”

“That’s…” Till couldn’t find a word to say. He, instead, said something else. “Why’d you bring me here?”

“Remember when we stargazed in your backyard before our exams started?”

“Yeah.”

“And I told you the stars made me feel small?”

“Vividly. I replied with a ‘Me too. ’” 

“Yeah. You did.” Ivan smiled. “That’s why I brought you up here. To show you this.”

“That doesn’t answer the question.”

“I’m getting to it.”

“Okay.”

“Don’t you think looking down upon the city is exciting?”

“I guess. It’s cool.”

“Exactly, it makes me feel like I’m on top of the world, looking down on everything and anything. It makes me feel so large, like the universe is.” Ivan said softly, his voice gentle. “You felt small under the stars that time. So, I want you to have a piece of this too.”

Till was speechless. He sucked in a breath. “Oh.”

They didn’t say anything after that. Till’s cheeks burned. He was feeling so warm on a supposedly cold night. Weird. 

“Hey, Ivan?”

“Yeah?” Ivan turned his head to look at him, and his look was expectant. Like he was begging Till for something, but what for?

The words lingered on Till’s tongue. He just needed to say it. Those three damn words he’d been trying to confess the past few years. 

Instead, he said: “Let’s go home.”

“Okay.” Ivan nodded, not fighting back. Why wasn’t he doing anything? Till got annoyed. But he didn’t allow himself to.

On their way home, Till felt like his heart was slowly losing it’s beat. He was tired. So tired. Exhausted. Sleep was starting to get to him, but all of it disappeared when he felt a hand in his. Till snapped his gaze away from the sidewalk and to Ivan, who was looking straight ahead.

Hold on, was Ivan blushing? 

Till’s breath hitched. His hand went weak in Ivan’s own, but he found the strength in them to squeeze Ivan’s hand anyway. He listened to Ivan’s small gasp, and smiled.

He rarely felt like he had much. Being unloved and having no friends from a young age tend to inspire the worst in a person, and he knew from a young age that he had many desires, and the early wisdom of Till was engulfed and taken over by a sense of loneliness. 

There were many things he wanted, those that he could not have, those that belonged to another world, he wanted them all. But there were some things that would always be in short supply for him, not materially, but spiritually.

However, in this moment, he felt he had everything.

Like snow in a volcano, his heart melted gently. 

Till was like the stars in the sky, only appearing in the night when the sun— the brightest object in the universe— was gone, so he could shine the brightest with all the darkness surrounding him. Ivan was an otherworldly being from the universe who suddenly entered his life. 

Ivan came to the earth for a trip and from there, he picked up a star in the night sky. And that star was Till.

Till felt Ivan squeeze his hand back, and his smile grew wide. He felt like he knew all of the secrets of the universe now as he held Ivan’s hand. Ivan finally let him in.

There was no moon tonight, but his heart was full of moonlight.