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“What is this thing in our stomach called desire?”
Ivan likes to sit by the window of his room, and looks down upon the world below him, fascinated by what he sees. It’s a green patch of land, and there are colorful spots in the grassy fields. Ivan knows they are called flowers, but he’s never ever touched one of them.
There is a park located near his home, and when he opens his windows to filter some fresh air in, his ears will pick up the sound of children's laughter, nature at it’s work, the city bustling with life, the sounds of engines running. It’s all so beautiful to Ivan.
He wants to go out someday. Not for school, not for business meetings he doesn’t care for, and definitely not miserable graduation ceremonies where he is always alone.
Ivan longs to play with the other children, to be able to mingle naturally with people, to be able to blend in with the crowd.
When will he ever get to do that?
A knock on the door startles Ivan out of his thoughts. A manly voice comes through the door, one Ivan knows too well. There goes the rest of his day. “Ivan. I need to talk to you. Be at my office in five minutes. No exceptions, are we clear?”
Ivan sighs, and stands up. He looks back out the window, the life he wants to experience so bad just at the tips of his fingers.
His voice is lifeless as he forces out a reply.
“Yes, father.”
——————
Ivan has always had his needs attended to. He has servants; maids and butlers, though most of them get replaced every few months. They are probably the closest human interaction he can get locked behind closed doors, beside his parents.
He has tried holding onto them, but once when he finally finds a safe place in one of his maids, she abandons him with such abruptness it leaves a gaping hole in his chest. Father says she had to leave because of family matters, and Ivan doesn’t know what to feel.
That’s why, when a new butler comes into play, he doesn’t plan on holding too tight.
“Young master, dinner is ready. Would you like to eat at the dining table or in your room today?”
Ivan looks up at the voice coming from outside his closed door. “Are my parents at home early today?”
There’s a pause at the other side of the door. “I believe not, young master. They will most likely be home at midnight.”
Ivan doesn’t know why he feels disappointment boiling in his chest at those words. It hasn’t been the first time his parents have to work late and never be able to return home for a casual dinner or so. “…Okay. I’ll eat downstairs, then. Thank you, Mr. Isaac.”
He hears a smile in Issac’s voice from outside. “Of course, young master. I’ll let the chefs know.”
Ivan waits for a while, knowing Issac has long left. He hasn’t been working on anything the past few days. He knows he should, he can’t waste his holidays doing nothing valuable.
Isaac is the new butler, and Ivan immediately takes a liking to him. There’s a knowing feeling in his chest that makes him want to know Isaac better, even if the man is just a mere butler and under Ivan’s power.
A knock comes a few moments later. “Dinner’s been served. Are you ready to eat, young master?”
Ivan jumps out of his bed, rushing towards the door. It is getting stuffy in here, after all.
“Yeah. I’m starving. What’s for dinner?”
——————
Ivan has a strange habit. He doesn’t when it’s started, but ever since his mother had told him that his smiles for the camera don’t look genuine enough, he finds himself in the bathroom looking in the mirror more often now.
He looks down at his hands, and they’re trembling. He clenches them to stop the shaking. Why are they shaking?
Ivan looks back up at the reflection in the mirror, and his mouth turns dry.
He forces his lips to quirk upwards, and he holds it for as long as possible. For as long as the duration a couple of photos will take, he endures the same smile until he feels his jaw aching.
But it’s never enough. His strained, practiced smiles are not enough. They don’t look genuine enough, and it throws Ivan off. He can’t even smile genuinely. What is wrong with him?
He glances down at his lips with disgust in his eyes, and distaste on his tongue.
Ivan breathes in deeply before trying again.
He’ll get it right this time.
——————
Ivan’s never seen this much fire until now. This much noise hurts his ears, and he wonders why when he comes home from school his home is on fire.
The building is blazing with flames, and there are firefighter vehicles everywhere putting the fire out. The heat is tense, and Ivan just sits awkwardly in the car his father has sent to fetch him from school everyday, leaving all the work to his servants and bodyguards.
From in the car, he can hear unfamiliar loud voices and the sound of fire crackling. It’s even getting hot in the car, and Ivan folds up his sleeves. It’ll create creases, but he can just ask Isaac to iron his uniform for him later.
Then, he hears a shout.
Ivan whips his head towards the noise, and he feels his heart stop.
Isaac.
The brown-haired butler is getting rushed out of the ablaze building, his eyes squeezed closed. There is a big scar slashed across Isaac’s face, and if Ivan has the voice, he’d scream. Blood trickles down Isaac’s nose, and his arms and legs hang limply off the stretcher.
Ivan doesn’t know what to call the dreadful feeling in his chest, but he knows he wants to rush to Isaac’s side right away.
Isaac can’t be dead. He needs to iron the creases in Ivan’s uniform later. It’ll be selfish and irresponsible of Isaac to leave him when he hasn’t yet completed his duties.
Then, as if Isaac can hear his thoughts, his eyes flutter open and land right on the car Ivan is in. A small smile makes it’s way onto his face, and Ivan doesn’t know what to do.
Isaac gets rushed into the ambulance, and Ivan never sees him again.
——————
Ivan’s new home is not too bad. He has new parents now, and he goes to a different school too. It’s all so new to Ivan, but if there’s one thing he’s good at, he’s good at adjusting to new surroundings.
And, he can finally leave the house as much as he wants. But he has a curfew. He doesn’t care, though. He is finally able to walk beyond weary walls and experience life outside, and it’s everything he can ever want.
“Mom, I’m heading out.” Ivan calls out, kneeling down to tie his shoelaces. He’s seen on the internet that running helps clear the mind, and he wants to try it for the first time.
His mom’s head pokes out from the kitchen, a wide grin on her face. “Of course. Be back home at 6pm. I’m cooking my special chicken rice tonight! I want you to be here to taste it.”
Ivan nods, pulls the door open and walks out with a new but welcomed feeling in his heart.
——————
Ivan has never seen someone so beautiful before. A boy with gray hair, though the colour can be likened to silver. Like jewelry. The boy looks just like jewelry, beautiful and eye-catching. Glittering in the sunlight.
Ivan later learns that the boy’s name is Till. And he’s a music kid, like him. At least they have something in common. That’s a good thing. That’s always a good thing.
He wants to get to know Till better. Perhaps not right now, but maybe in the near future. Till probably thinks he’s a weirdo, and that’s not a good thing. Not at all.
Ivan can wait, he’s great at waiting. He has the patience, or from what his parents told him. You’re always so patient, you never complain! or What a lovely kid. I wish my kid would be as well-behaved as you.
He’s heard them all, the compliments and praises he’s showered in every time his parents bring him out for family gatherings. Ivan has been the center of attention for the past few ones, but it slowly dissolved and he no longer needs to keep a lookout for questions his relatives smother him with.
He can wait. Making friends takes time, doesn’t it? Ivan can wait for a while till he and Till can become friends.
That is, until something ignites in Ivan’s chest when he sees Till throw a punch to someone.
There are two older boys, and Till’s fist lands on the chubbier boy’s face before he collapses onto the ground with a whine.
The other boy roars in anger. “How dare you! You think you’re such a goody two shoes, huh? What are you protecting that frilly little girl for? You like her or something?”
There’s a pink haired girl standing behind Till, and Ivan realizes Till is protecting her from the older boys. He’s seen the girl before. Mizi, the most popular girl in school. Her energy is contagious, and she has tons of friends. It burns something unknown in Ivan’s chest. And it burns even more when he sees her clutching tightly onto Till’s uniform, tears in her eyes.
Till glares up at the boy, the height difference almost comically hilarious. “Real boys don’t bully girls. You’re older than us. Shouldn’t you be ashamed of yourself?”
The taller boy clicks his tongue, before shoving Till away and grabbing Mizi by the sleeve. A gasp escapes her, and Ivan sees something unexplainable in Till’s eyes. Is he angry or concerned? He can’t decipher what it is swimming in Till’s eyes, but he knows it’s not something positive.
“You.” The boy hisses, “You’re lucky to escape this time. I better not see you near my sister ever again.”
And he turns, kicking the chubby boy lying on the ground, earning a strangled yelp from him. Till continues to glare at them as they leave, sticking out his tongue when the chubby boy looks back.
Ivan finds it endearing. Till seems so much more than to the naked eye, and a feeling gnaws at Ivan’s chest. Till shines like the shooting stars Ivan loves to see so much, and Till is possibly the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.
He wants Till. And that scares Ivan, because what is that feeling in his stomach that aches so bad?
Ivan watches from afar as Till turns to Mizi, hurriedly checking for any injuries. Mizi smiles, and Till splutters.
Ivan ignores the blush on Till’s cheeks.
Of course.
——————
Ivan finds himself staring at Till more than he wants. But he can’t seem to stop himself. He’s so interested in Till that it terrifies Ivan. He’s never had this kind of feeling before, and it makes him want to discover why. He knows it has something to do with Till.
He can’t tell this to his parents. Not that he doesn’t trust them, but he feels this is something he should handle on his own.
It’s lunch time now, and Ivan is sitting with his group of friends. But Ivan doesn’t really consider them as friends. More like acquaintances. He understands the feeling well. These so-called friends will no longer matter to him once middle school ends. And he is certain that they’re just hanging out with him because he’s popular.
Everyone does everything for fame, and Ivan is just a stepping stone for them, because he’s a popular kid and all the teachers favour him.
It doesn’t matter though. Once middle school ends, these ‘friends’ will no longer be Ivan’s concern.
Ivan seeks Till out in the crowd, the canteen filled with more people than usual. He eventually sees Till sitting at the table near the corner of the room, smiling at Mizi and another girl with black short hair. Just like him.
Huh.
He feels a tap on his shoulder. “Ivan, what are you doing? Your food is going to go cold if you don’t eat!”
Ivan blinks, shifting his gaze away from Till to the girl. “Sorry. I just spaced out for a second. But, I don’t really like eggplants.”
He hears a loud gasp from the other side of the table. “Ivan doesn’t like eggplants?! This is gold! Ava, pay me ten bucks! I won the bet!!”
He hears a groan. “Oh, come on! This is just unfair.”
Ivan tunes out the conversations around him, and he finds Till’s figure again in the corner of the room.
But he is taken by surprise, when he catches Till looking back. Oh. He’s looking at me.
A smile creeps up on Till’s face, before he looks away and replies to something Mizi has said.
Ivan’s friends tell him he seems to be in a good mood for the rest of their classes when school ends.
——————
Ivan never expects himself to be standing in front of Till one day in an empty classroom, but here he is, standing awkwardly as Till inspects him from head to toe, arms crossed and all.
“Hi, Ivan.”
Ivan startles. “Hi.”
There’s a smirk on Till’s face. “All that staring made you a total loser when the real thing is in front of you right now, huh?”
Ivan looks away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I know what I’m talking about. You have the most obvious eyes ever.”
“My eyes aren’t obvious.”
“They are. You always look at me with such awe in them it’s making me a little embarrassed. Like, right now.”
Ivan bites his lower lip. “Is it a problem for you? I just— I don’t know why my eyes always find you. In every room.”
Till smiles, and all of Ivan’s worries vanish in an instant. Till’s smiles always look genuine and so real, not like any of Ivan’s smiles he always practices in front of the mirror. Till looks so human, and Ivan thinks he can never achieve that kind of level being human.
Till steps closer. “Ivan, do you like me?”
Ivan feels his eyes widen. Is that why he feels this aching feeling in his stomach all the time he looks at Till? And that this feeling wants him to get closer to Till?
“I… don’t know.” He admits, because it’s the truth.
Till’s smile softens, and Ivan wants to capture the moment forever. Has smiling ever looked so good on other people?
“That’s okay. Because I know what I like.”
“And… what do you like?”
“I like you, Ivan.”
——————
Till waits for him after class, and Ivan realizes he looks forward to seeing Till after school ends. They walk home together, and sometimes, they go on dates. Till calls them dates, but it confuses Ivan. Don’t couples do that? Does that make him and Till a couple?
Ivan finds himself wanting an answer to that question.
“Till.”
“Yeah?”
Ivan crouches down near Till, who is feeding the goldfishes in the pond. They’re in a park near Ivan’s home, and he discovers Till always goes here whenever he needs some time alone.
“Why do you always call our hangouts ‘dates’ ?”
Till looks at him, frowning. “Do you not like it?”
Ivan shakes his head. “No, it’s just… Don’t couples do that? Going on dates.”
Till’s smile is like the sun breaking out between the clouds, and Ivan feels warm all over. “Then, I think that makes us a couple.”
Ivan freezes, before spluttering. “ What ? Actually ? You want us to be a couple ?”
“Why? What’s wrong with that? I like you, and you like me. We love each other, couples also love each other.”
“That’s not it, Till. I just…” Ivan sighs.
Till glances at him pointedly. “You just?”
“I don’t know how to be a human. I don’t even understand emotions. How can I be capable of love?”
Till smiles at him.
“Who says you need to understand emotions to learn how to love?”
——————
“You’re Ivan?” Mizi says excitedly, grasping his hands in hers, eyes sparkling with joy.
Till has invited him to have lunch with his group of friends today, and Ivan can’t bring himself to say no. He pretends to be unbothered by the countless eyes burning holes in his back when he sits at Till’s table, and the murmuring from his ‘friends’ .
When Ivan told them he is eating with someone else today, his ‘friends’ didn’t take it too well. But what use were their reactions for? Ivan just needs to let them know and he’ll well be on his way.
So, he finds himself sitting beside Till, eating on the sandwiches he has made.
“It’s specifically for you, don’t tell my friends because they would want me to make them sandwiches. But, I only did it because it’s you, Ivan.”
He remembers the way his cheeks had flared up astronomically that Till chuckled, squeezing his cheeks.
Ivan continues munching on his sandwich. “You’re Mizi, then?”
Mizi nods enthusiastically. “Yeah! How did you know?”
Ivan tilts his head. “We were in the same group for Sports Day.”
At that, Mizi’s mouth forms into an ‘o’ shape in realization. “Oh, yeah! Sorry, I kinda forgot about that…”
“It’s fine, Miz. This year’s Sports Day was shit, anyway.” Till speaks up beside him, “I can’t believe we didn’t win. The judges were obviously biased towards Luka’s class.”
Luka, the light blond one, frowns at Till’s words. “Are we seriously doing this right now?”
“No, we’re not. I’m just saying.”
“I wasn’t even there that day.”
“You always skip Sports Day. You’re not some sick Victorian child, Luka.” Sua pipes up besides Mizi, poking uninterestedly at her salad. No dressing. Ivan grimaces. Yeah, it definitely looks unappetizing.
Luka huffs, adjusting his spectacles. “I just don’t see the point in chasing a ball and sweating under the hot sun for hours.”
Hyuna, the brown-haired girl, rolls her eyes. She gives Luka a hard shove in the side, earning a hiss from the spectacled boy. “You just don’t like fun, Luka. That’s why you’re always so weak when it comes to lifting things.”
Ivan raises an eyebrow at that. Luka is the top student in their grade, and his intelligence is unmatched, earning the admiration from the teachers and the students. As far as Ivan knows, Luka also topped their PE tests too. So he can’t find any truth in Hyuna’s words.
“I am not weak. I go to the gym.”
Mizi gasps loudly. “You go to the gym?!” At the same time, Hyuna exclaims: “THE GYM?!”
Sua narrows her eyes, shoving a cherry tomato in her mouth. “Since when do you go to the gym?”
“Twice a week. I’m not just some nerd, you know. A true powerhouse excels in both academics and sports.” A smirk appears on Luka’s face, and it’s the most vivid expression Ivan has seen him make. Usually, Luka would have a stoned face, even during awards ceremonies, he wouldn’t smile for the camera.
Till scoffs, and Ivan will have mistaken it for a genuine one if a soft smile hasn’t found it’s way on Till’s face seconds later. “So, you lift weights?”
Luka shakes his head. “Not yet. I’m just doing simple exercises for now.”
Hyuna laughs, and it’s a soothing sound. Too soothing. “How about we all hit the gym together? Sua, you could work on your physical fitness!”
Sua huffs. “No way. I refuse. You can go to the gym yourselves.”
Whines erupt at Sua’s words, and Ivan finds himself wanting to stick to these people he can call friends forever.
If fate will allow him, of course. But fate is always a cruel thing, so Ivan doesn’t expect much when their middle school graduation arrives.
——————
“What school are you going to attend, Ivan?” Till asks the day before their middle school graduation. Ivan freezes at the question, because it’s something he’s been dreading the past few weeks.
In three months' time, he will never see his friends again. The people he forged a genuine friendship with and it’s all so special to Ivan, that it hurts when he remembers they’ll all be going to different high schools once they graduate.
Is this what it feels like? Like how the people on the internet say they feel sad when they graduate and part with their closest friends?
Ivan discovers that feeling, and it ruins his entire belief system.
“…I don’t know yet. I’m just going to let my parents handle it.” He winces at the smallness in his voice. Way to go, Ivan. Just perfect. Now Till is going to ask what’s wrong and know your selfish thoughts.
“Really? Well, I’m planning to go to Anakt Garden High School. The rest are going too.” Ivan can hear the smile in Till’s voice, and his heart skips a beat.
“The rest?”
“Yeah. Mizi, Sua, Luka, and Hyuna.”
That’s a first. Ivan blinks. All of them?
“Really?”
Till nods, a smile playing on his lips. “Yeah. We made a promise to each other during the first year of middle school that we’d attend the same high school no matter what.”
Ivan’s never heard of anything like this before. It’s a first for him, hearing this sort of thing happen in real life. “Oh.”
“Now we’re just waiting for you.”
Ivan flinches at that. No way. “Waiting for me?”
“Yeah,” Till’s voice is soft and gentle like a mother’s touch, and Ivan’s breath hitches at that. “You’re a part of our friend group now. And the promise applies to you too.”
Ivan tries hard to blink the heat away from his eyes, the burning sensation unfamiliar to him. He was never much of a crier, so why now?
“…Okay.”
Till’s eyes light up, and Ivan knows he’s made the right choice. The grin on the younger boy’s face makes it all worth it.
“Okay.”
——————
“I didn’t know you’re an artist.” Ivan says as he brushes his fingers across the canvas, admiring the paint strokes of Till’s hard work.
Till chuckles, holding a piece of charcoal in his hand and a sketchbook in another. “I don’t tell anyone about it. It’s nothing worth mentioning.”
“What? Doing art is a wonderful thing.”
Till hums. “Maybe.”
“It is. I can’t draw as well as you can.”
“Yeah, yeah. I get it, wise boy. Come over here.”
Ivan does, because it’s Till. He finds it easy to be himself when he’s around the boy, and there’s a sense of peace pooling in his stomach everytime.
“What are you drawing?”
“Trust.”
Ivan frowns. “ Trust?”
Till nods. “Yeah.”
“That doesn’t look like trust.”
“What do you think trust looks like, then?”
Ivan purses his lips. He has no artistic talent, but he can visualize things a bit or two. “It’s like… giving power to someone else over you.”
Till blinks, before he bursts out laughing. “We have such different perspectives! God, Ivan. You’re so weird.”
“I get that a lot.”
Till grins. “Smart ass. But, my view on trust is different than yours. Like, really different.”
“Really different?”
“Really, really different.”
This cracks a smile out of Ivan. “How different?”
Till chuckles, closing his sketchbook. “I think trust is giving someone the chance to enter your heart and settle inside there forever.”
“That’s very different.”
“Yeah, it is. But, why? Is trusting so hard for you, Ivan?”
Ivan pauses. He thinks it is. People always come and go in his life, and no one has ever stayed by his side for more than a year. He slowly comes to the conclusion that keeping relationships is an inconvenience, so he never expects more from people when they come up to him and ask for his number.
It’s either they have a crush on him or they just want to use him. The same thing happens every time, and it repeats itself over and over until Ivan learns that trust is not a real thing.
“…Yeah, it is.” He answers quietly, staring at his twitching fingers. Strange. His fingers always twitch when he’s like this, hesitant.
Ivan feels Till’s stare on him, and he doesn’t dare look up. Until Till presses his side on Ivan and interlocks their fingers together. Ivan blinks rapidly at their hands.
Huh?
“That’s okay. I won’t ever leave you, or make fun of your bad sides. And you can tell me all about you, and I won’t judge.”
“I have a lot of bad sides.”
Till snorts. “You get what I mean.”
Ivan looks down. “Yeah, I do. But why? Why are you doing this much for someone like me?”
Till hums, squeezing Ivan’s hand. Ivan notices that Till’s hand is very warm, and it’s strangely comforting to him. It makes Ivan want this warmth more than anything.
“Because that’s what trust is. It's about giving someone else permission to take care of you. It’s about knowing you for who you are, what kind of person you are, and how beautiful you as a human being are. It’s about allowing someone else the right to care for you and see all of you, even your darkest secrets. and, the trust will never grow dark. No, it won’t. It will glow brighter than any star in the sky and I want the trust between us to be the brightest out there. Let it echo to the ends of earth, ivan. That's what trust is, giving up the most sacred parts of us to each other. And I trust you with my whole heart.”
——————
“Let’s compose a song together.” Till shows up at his house one day, with his guitar case and some paper and pens. It catches Ivan off guard, because Till’s visit is unexpected. It’s not like it’s anything bad, but Ivan just wants some time to mentally prepare himself before seeing Till.
Obviously, he can’t do anything like that right now. Till is standing on his doorstep with a big grin on and Ivan will rather drown than disappoint that face.
“Okay.” He replies awkwardly, and opens the door wide to let Till in. He notices the dark blue hoodie the boy’s wearing.
Wait. That’s the same hoodie he’s been searching for the past few days.
“Is that mine?” Ivan asks, smiling. He finds it easier to smile every time he’s with Till, and he no longer stands in front of the mirror to practice his forced smiles anymore.
Till sticks a playful tongue out. “No. It’s mine.”
Ivan chuckles and follows Till up to his room, letting the boy have his way. It’s cute, to see Till in his clothes.
“Here,” Till passes some sheets of paper to him, and Ivan blinks down at the lyrics. “I had some time, so I came up with some lyrics. They’re not that finalized yet, I just want you to take a look through them first.”
Ivan reads the lyrics.
Allow me, to the tips of your fingers
Allow me, to the ends of your feet
Dissolve me in your gaze
I don’t want to let you go
Please, leave me scars
Please, hurt me so that
Not a single drop of me remains
Let me drown in you
Until these falling stars
Are buried in the blur of time
On your icy lips
Read my soul
Yes, my soul
“Your songs always remind me of something.” Ivan says, settling down beside Till. Till’s guitar case is unzipped, and Till holds his guitar gently like how a mother would handle her baby.
Till strums a few chords. “Like what?”
“Like a pure love between a couple. It’s always related to love.”
“Really? Maybe it’s because of my hand.”
Ivan frowns, staring at Till’s skinny hands. They are calloused and worn out, most likely because of playing the guitar and drawing every day. “Your hand? Why?”
“Because I write with the same hand I hold you with. Maybe that’s why there’s always an essence of love in every song I write.”
“Really?” Ivan ignores the way his heart picks up speed, thumping loud and hard against his chest. “Maybe I should do the same. I always write using my computer.”
Ivan always loves it when he says something that makes Till smile.
——————
Ivan has always spent his birthday in solitude, since his parents were always busy and he disliked his birthday. So, when he made up his mind, he asked his current parents that he very much prefers, to change his birthday to the 14th of February.
Valentine's Day, the day of love.
Ivan thinks it’s a special day, and he looks forward to that day.
Mizi will give him a large present, Sua will hand him a shopping voucher and some stationery, Hyuna will do some bizarre act in class and earn a day's worth of detention for it; Ivan loves it nonetheless, and Luka will just give him some candy.
But, he will always look forward to Till’s birthday, where he will get a day’s worth of kisses and presents along the way, ranging from small love notes and handmade gifts.
Ivan receives much love on his birthday now, and he never wants that to change. Maybe changing his birthday to the day of love was the best thing he’s ever done.
——————
“Luka, your sense of colour is just horrible.” Sua throws a colour pencil at Luka’s head with precise aim, and Luka narrowly dodges just in time. “Who pairs up neon green with orange?”
Luka scoffs, picking up the colour pencil. “It’s a great pair. You just don’t see my vision.”
“I sure as hell don’t want to.”
Hyuna cackles, and Ivan thinks it sounds like an evil witch’s laugh. “Neon green with orange? That’s not even the worst part.”
“Yeah, because you’re even worse than Luka! Who pairs up brown with bright red?!” Mizi rolls her eyes, dabbing her paintbrush in a cup of diluted water.
They’ve been painting a group portrait— not really a portrait, just a fun activity to pass the time. Exams have been throwing the group left and right lately, and they just need some time to relax. Till suggested they paint, and it somehow led to this.
Till has been quiet the whole time, concentrating on the painting. Ivan knows the boy is always serious when it comes to art, and now is no exception even when it’s just something to do to burn away all the stress.
Luka turns to Ivan. “Ivan, which colour do you think suits light pink better? Light blue or light green?”
“…Light blue?” Ivan replies weakly, catching Hyuna’s livid expression.
“Hah! I told you, Hyuna! Who would pair green with pink?” Luka turns back to Hyuna, who is seething. “Horrible pairing, Hyuna dear.”
Ivan turns away before he gets in the middle of a crossfire that’s about to happen, and he focuses on what Till is painting.
“We’re all a little weird.” Till chuckles suddenly, and Ivan nearly jumps out of his seat. He breathes in, meeting Till’s eyes.
“You’re not weird, Till. I’m probably more weird.”
“You’ve just never seen the times where my sugar rush was at it’s peak.”
Ivan chuckles, cocking his head to the side. “Should I look forward to that?”
Till grins, intertwining their fingers together. “You should. It happens every once in a while, so be prepared.”
Ivan hums, staring at their hands. “And it’s weird?”
Till glances at him, a small smile on his face, one that Ivan only sees when they’re alone together.
“Yes, it’s weird. People will always be a little weird, Ivan. Life is also a bit weird, too. But when we find people whose weirdness is compatible with our own, we join them and fall into mutually dumb weirdness. It's called love, Ivan. True love.”
Ivan cranes his head up to look at the others, who are now arguing over colour pairings which Ivan finds really amusing, that teenagers are debating over which colours suit which better.
And in that moment, Ivan knows that he’ll love all of these people with his life.
( “You have an uncle named Isaac?” Ivan says, gawking at Hyuna. Isaac? His butler? That Isaac?
“Yeah! Why?” Hyuna chews on her pocky stick.
“…Nothing.”)
——————
Today, Till’s mind falls on Ivan. The Ivan he adores, the Ivan he has known for years, the Ivan who is his boyfriend, and the Ivan who used to think he is incapable of love.
Frankly, Till thinks Ivan is perfectly capable of love. He thinks Ivan’s love for him is already what crosses that argument out, because Ivan is the only person who has ever seen him for who he is. And he hasn’t abandoned Till’s side even when he’s seen all the dirty and ugly parts of him.
So, why does Ivan think that way? That he’s incapable of love? Is it because he longs to be part of the scenery people call life? Is it because he’s always had to stand in front of the mirror and practice how to smile? Is it because he’s always known to never expect more and keep a professional front and satisfy others? Is it because he’s never discovered the real meaning of love that he thinks he will never learn how to?
“I don’t know how to be like a human. I don’t even understand emotions. How can I be capable of love?”
“Who says you need to understand emotions to learn how to love?”
Till looks at the scene in front of him. The people he calls his closest friends, people who he will trust until the stars blur into a supernova, people whose smiles he will forever protect and cherish.
Mizi is bubbly as ever, emitting more energy than usual. A smile on her face coaxes one out of Sua, who is walking slightly in front of Till, no doubt admiring the pink-haired girl.
Hyuna is cackling about something Mizi has said, and cackles even harder when Luka comments on Mizi’s words. There’s a faint smile on Luka’s face, his wonky spectacles’ lens glittering under the sun. Till has told him multiple times that he should switch out of them, that he looks funny with the spectacles. Luka never listens to him, though.
And, Ivan.
Ivan is grinning from ear to ear, the toothy kind that Till loves so much. It’s nothing compared to the soft smile he always gives him when they’re alone together, but Till loves his other smiles all the same.
Ivan is laughing, then. Probably at something Sua has said, and it also coaxes out laughs from the others. Till realizes then, that these are the moments he will forever be grateful for till the end of time.
Till looks at the friends he has made, and he knows nothing will ever amount to the love he feels for them.
Especially Ivan.
Ivan was introduced to the world at a later age than most children, and he longs to be a part of what is beyond closed doors. The scenery he longs for so desperately, the understanding that he knows other people also share what he feels, the feeling of what love truly is.
Love is unknown to Ivan, Till knows this. He knows this too well. That’s why, Ivan loves quietly and secretly. He loves in different ways, and the first time Till caught Ivan looking, Ivan was staring at him with such awe in his eyes it cracked a smile out of Till.
Love doesn’t come easy to Ivan, Till knows this. He knows the things Ivan has gone through, and it burns an aching hole in Till’s chest knowing he can never heal the pain Ivan buries deep in his chest. Ivan was lonely in the past, and Till wants to change his present by always being there for him.
Ivan has never held a hand until Till. Ivan finds people who reach their hands out, whether it’s news hands, or old, warm, cold, familiar ones. And each time, with tentative hands, he lets himself be pulled forward with this desire in him to know what love is. But he doesn’t, he doesn’t hold onto the hands too tight.
He’s found people who are able to feel as much as he does, but they are able to achieve something better than him and rise up, leaving him on the cracked ground. And Ivan discovers the feeling of being left out, knowing there’s no other person that feels the same way he does.
What if something goes wrong? What if he experiences the same ‘betrayal’ again and again? It’s much easier to let go when you already have a loose grip. It’s less painful this way.
But overtime, things change. And just like all those things, Ivan changes as well.
Step by step, Ivan realizes there are people out there who are just like him and yet so much different than him. Those people inspire so much love in him that it challenges his own belief system because he doesn’t want to let go. He wants to hold on tightly forever, and Till thinks he'll always reserve a spare hand for Ivan to hold onto.
Till hopes that one day, Ivan will learn that he has always been capable of loving. His birthday being on the 14 of February, on the holiday best known for love. Ivan is born out of love, and he will carry it everywhere he goes.
And one day, Ivan is able to look at the people he loves so much in the eyes and believe— just believe that these are the people he’s waited for his entire life. The people the universe has sent to him, a heaven’s gift to him. And Ivan will never let go of their hands, no matter the scars they all share.
Those once wavering hands are now steady and ready. Full of passion and so much love that Ivan sparkles with it. They are filled with life and wonder, and the things Ivan always had questions off but is limited with sufficient answers are now accessible to him.
A spark has been ignited and the hands hold on so tight, it hurts.
Till accidentally steps into a splash of water, now that it’s stopped raining. Mizi giggles at him, Sua rolls her eyes with undeniable fondness; he’s sure of it, Hyuna makes fun of him, and Luka tells him off for splashing water onto his shoes.
And, Ivan. Ivan is looking at him with soft, tender eyes that give off so much love it makes Till’s heart jump. Ivan smiles cheekily, looks down at the puddle of water beside him and steps into it, laughing. Giggles and shouts erupt all around, but Till finds himself looking at Ivan.
There’s a reflection in the water. And dancing in the puddle of water is not Ivan who has been forced to stay behind white walls, Ivan whose hands were always shaking with hesitation, Ivan who has always wanted to know what love is.
Instead, there is Ivan who is full of love. There is Ivan who is deeply loved by the people around him. There is Ivan who has found a home in people he trusts. There is Ivan who is happier than he can ever possibly be.
There is Ivan who is capable of love.