Archive of Our Own

1. Dear Elliot, 

I hope you're doing well. 

You're probably confused as to why I'm writing to you after all these years; I'm probably the last person you want to hear from. So, I won't blame you if you choose to throw this letter away, burn it, or just never open it at all, but I owe you an explanation that is long overdue. 

I'm sorry that I hurt you. You may not believe me after all these years, but I want you to know that hurting you was never my intention. 

Back then, I was living under my grandmother's control, and she dictated my entire life. She didn't approve of my sexuality and did everything to make sure no one knew. Apparently, if everyone knew that her youngest grandson preferred to roll around with men instead of women, then our family's name would never recover in society. It seems such a silly thing to admit now, but that was my reality back then. 

Attending Oxford was a privilege because, for a few seconds, I could pretend I'd finally escaped her. In those brief seconds, I discovered what freedom tasted like, and I quickly got addicted to it and started chasing the high it brought, I suppose. And meeting you gave me the high I had been looking for since that first taste. It felt so good—the buzz of being with you and the thrill when I thought about how my grandmother could find out any moment, but I was clever enough to hide us from her eyes. But I forgot just how terrible and devastating the crash can be once the high is over, because that's exactly what happened when my grandmother found out about us.

She hinted that if I didn't end things, she'd make sure one of us was removed from Oxford. She might not have explicitly stated it, but I knew she really meant you; she would've never done anything to hurt her or our family's reputation. I couldn't allow her to do that to you, not when your future looked so bright. 

So, I ran. I shouldn't have. I should've stayed; I should've told you everything. But running was the only way I could think of to save us both. And as a result, I hurt you. Nothing I say now will change the past, but to this day I regret the choice I made to run away back then and the consequences it had on our relationship and, more importantly, on you. 

You showed me so much care and patience, and I am sorry that I couldn't do the same for you. 

One day, if our paths cross again, I would like to apologise to you in person. I know it will mean very little coming from me, but I truly wish you all the best in your life, Elliot. 

Thank you for everything. 

Regards, 

Henry

⏱⏱⏱

Henry meets Elliot in a cafe on a Thursday afternoon. Well, he stumbles into Elliot, spilling their drinks on both of them, and he doesn't know that Elliot's called Elliot at the time. 

He splutters a panicked apology, but the stranger interrupts with a soft chuckle, saying it's okay, but if Henry's sorry, then he can buy him another drink. Henry nods eagerly, asking what his order is—desperate to show how sorry he is—but the stranger purrs out a "gin and tonic" with a smirk, then proceeds to laugh at the confused look on Henry's face. 

"Well...I'm not sure if I can get you a gin and tonic at this place." The stranger smirks wider, but all Henry sees is the single dimple on his left cheek.

"Luckily for you, I know a lovely place where you can get me a gin and tonic from." Henry blinks, and the stranger continues, "If you're interested, that is." 

Oh, Lord, the stranger is asking him out. The stranger with the cheek dimple is asking him out. 

"Henry." The stranger grins, the move making the dimple appear again. 

"Nice to meet you, Henry. I'm Elliot." 

Henry has secretly snogged a few boys here and there back in boarding school and sixth-form but they've never been serious enough to be called a relationship. So, being with Elliot is great; he is ever so patient with him, willing to let Henry set the pace of their relationship, unaware of what's really holding Henry back. Even now, in Oxford, the thought of his grandmother finding out about them keeps him from touching Elliot fully in public, only willing to let their hands brush momentarily.

The guilt gnaws inside him, knowing that no matter how amazing and patient Elliot is, Henry will never be able to give Elliot all of him. But he lets himself forget all of that when Elliot pulls him closer to press their lips together inside Henry's large single-student accommodation. 

So, it comes as a shock when his grandmother stops him after their biweekly family lunch to speak to him about something concerning. Bea throws him a questioning look as she leaves, but Henry shrugs back, just as clueless. Once there's only two of them, she spares no second before speaking. 

"I heard that you are going around in public with some boy, Henry. I hope you have a very good explanation for this." Henry licks his lips, feeling the light tremor in his hands. 

"I...I..." His grandmother shakes her head. 

"I allowed you to attend Oxford because you begged me, Henry. I did not send you there so you could gallivant in public with a boy." She spits at him, and the viciousness in her tone cuts through Henry so deeply that he wonders if they've punctured his lungs because he's finding it difficult to breathe. "I am not going to say much. You will put an end to this...this despicable tryst; otherwise, I will not be blamed if one of you ends up losing your place at Oxford. If that happens, it will be on you, Henry." 

Elliot frowns when Henry pulls away from the hug with a weak excuse of being tired from staying up late. He attempts a smile and sighs in relief when Elliot lets the matter go. "Sorry, El, I won't be able to make it to dinner tonight. The deadline for my essay is coming up, and I have a tonne of work to do."

"It's okay, I'll stop by with something for you because I know how you get." They both chuckle, but then Elliot gives him a look that Henry can't comprehend. "Everything's okay with you, right, Hen? We're okay?" Henry wants to say no, he wants to come clean, but he can't, so he nods, leaning to press a quick kiss on the male's cheek.

"Oh yes, I'm fine. Just going crazy because of this essay. We're good, El." 

Then, Henry is distancing himself from Elliot, finding excuses to get out of their dates, keeping their conversation brief, and leaning away from Elliot's hand in public. 

Then, Henry is accepting the offer from NYU, packing his belongings, saying goodbye to Bea, his mum while ignoring his grandmother's rage and Philip's disapproval, and flying across the Atlantic, desperate to forget his life in Oxford. When he lands, Elliot's messaged and called him multiple times.

Elliot 

5:00PM

hen, lol why is oli telling me that you accepted a transfer offer from nyu?

is this a joke? 

4 Missed Calls 

5:30PM

hen, call me pls. this is not funny anymore. i'm coming over to yours now

5:55PM

hen, what the hell is going on?? call me now pls 

2 Missed Calls

6:15PM

you said things were fine between us.

if you wanted to break up then you should have just said so, hen. i wouldn't have minded. 

9 Missed Calls

10:30PM

you're a fucking terrible and a cruel person, hen. 

✉️✉️✉️

2. Dear Dipen, 

I hope things are going great and your upcoming book is coming along wonderfully. 

You're probably wondering why I'm writing to you considering we bumped into each other seven months ago at the alumni dinner, but I owe you an apology and an explanation that's long overdue. You probably don't want to hear it after all these years, but if you do decide to read it, then this is me being honest with you. 

I know I told you I transferred to NYU because I needed a change, and that was correct.  But I also transferred to NYU because my grandmother found out I was in a relationship with a man back in Oxford. She implied that if I didn't break things off, she would have my then-boyfriend removed from the university. And I couldn't let her do that to him. So, instead, I applied for a transfer and ran as soon as I got accepted. I ran across the Atlantic, pretending like I wasn't upheaving my entire life to move to a different country, probably breaking his heart in the process. 

I wasn't looking for another relationship; I just wanted to graduate and get myself on my feet so I wouldn't have to rely on my family financially. But then I met you. And stupidly, I thought this time it would be different. I should have known that she would find out; she always does. Her youngest grandson running off to a different country without her permission was unacceptable, but her youngest grandson locking lips with an Asian man was simply unforgivable. If you've gotten this far, then you are correct; my grandmother is a raging homophobe and a racist. 

When she threatened to jeopardise your future, I couldn't let her. Couldn't risk the possibility of her following through with her threat. Couldn't let her ruin the plans you had made for your future. So, once again, I did what I always do best. I ran. Ran far enough until I was sure that you were out of her reach and she couldn't touch the plans you had for your future. 

I should have explained everything to you back then, but running away has always been easier than staying. Because staying means explaining. I am sorry that I wasn't able to end things properly between us. If I could go back, I would do things differently because you deserved more than just a text. But the one thing I regret the most about letting my grandmother get into my head again is the way I let it affect our friendship. 

You deserved better than me, and I am glad you have someone by your side now who is able to give you everything. My apology and explanation might not mean a lot after all this time, but I hope you understand why I did what I did. 

Perhaps if you ever decide to forgive me, I would like to catch up and mend the friendship that I destroyed.

Good luck on your upcoming book and take  good care of yourself, Dipen.

Regards, 

Henry

⏱⏱⏱

Henry meets Dipen on a Friday morning. Well, their English Lit professor calls their names out, telling them they are to pair up for a presentation, and gives them their topic, moving on to the next pair immediately. Once she's done putting everyone in pairs and informing them how this presentation will count towards their final grade, Dipen drops into an empty seat next to him with a friendly smile. 

"Hey, nice to meet you." The black eyeliner—later Dipen says it's called kajal back in his home country—he's sporting brings out the colour of his eyes more. "How do you want to split the workload?" 

"Oh..uh..Hi, nice to meet you too. Um...I don't mind how we split the workload."

Dipen smiles at him. "Sorry, my friends are always telling me to slow down when I speak to new people, but I forget. I hope I haven't scared you. Yet." 

"Oh, no, please don't worry. I'm quite an awkward person, so I was just taken aback. You're fine; don't worry, please." Dipen grins. 

"Let's redo this again. I know you know my name, but hi, I'm Dipen." 

Henry grins back. "Henry." 

Slowly, both men bond over the few similarities between them—both men doing the same degree, both men miles away from home, both men comfortable with their sexualities but not out yet, both men finding happiness in reading and writing.

But that's where their similarities end.

Where Henry vaguely talks about his family, Dipen openly tells him how, apart from his brother, the rest of his family are still struggling to come to terms with his sexuality. "They love me, but they can't seem to understand that I like men. They're not bad people, but sometimes it's hard."

Where Henry hides the fact that he's never worried about money, Dipen openly tells him how he worked his ass off back home in Nepal to save money because, while his family is comfortable, they don't come from money. "I pay half of my tuition with the money I saved, and my parents pay the rest. I'm not broke, but I can't afford to get careless about money. Anyyywaays the part-time job at the cafe helps me with extra cash. I can't work too much, though, because otherwise I breach my visa." 

Where Henry knows he never has to worry about racist bigots, Dipen openly tells how many slurs and threats he hears on a regular basis, all because he is a brown man. "Nothing is funnier than entitled racists telling me to go back to my own country and stop stealing jobs. Acting like they're qualified in the first place to be considered for the jobs I'm eyeing." 

By the time Henry and Dipen have their first kiss, they've been close friends for a while and are only two months away from graduation. Naively, Henry thinks the thousands of miles between him and his grandmother will keep them safe. That she wouldn't be able to touch him there. But as Dipen presses a kiss on his neck, he forgets how his grandmother gets when she can't control things. 

She calls him under the pretence of sorting out details for his graduation. He should've known better, but being at NYU, he'd let his guard down so low that her next words hit him like a wave. 

"Henry, when I asked you to break things off with that boy in Oxford, I did not mean you run off to another country and continue to act shamelessly in public with another boy. On top of that, someone whose family background is not acceptable. Did you think that just because you ran off to another country, you were free to act inappropriately and tarnish your family's name?" 

"Gra-" 

"I want you to break things off with that boy this instant. If you want him to graduate with you, then you will be wise to listen to me, Henry. Quite frankly, I am getting tired of repeating myself." 

If Dipen notices Henry start to pull away, then he doesn't say anything. Guilt eats away at Henry, when he feigns courseworks after courseworks to get out of dates. When Dipen nods with an understanding yet hurt smile, Henry places apologetic kisses on his palm with yet another promise that he won't keep. 

Dipen snorts, and the guilt inside him intensifies. "Finish your work, Mr. Shakespeare." 

Three weeks after the phone call with his grandmother, Henry sends the text and ignores the call that follows immediately. 

I don't think this is going to work out, Dipen.

I'm sorry.

Dipen

6:50PM

lmfao 

2 Missed Calls

7:00PM

henry???

wtf is this a joke???

Look, let's not make things difficult for us both.

Please.

We were never going to work out in the end.

Dipen

7:15PM

r u fucking kidding me?? ure trying to break things off through txt 

we kissed each other this morning henry

and now ure telling me how we werent gonna work out in the 1st place???

2 Missed Calls

I think it's best if we attend graduation separately.

Take care, Dipen.

Dipen

8:01PM

ure fucking unbelievable 

even if u wanted to break up, u owed it to me as my friend to do it in person 

✉️✉️✉️

3. Dear Trevor,

It's Henry, the guy you were cheating on Brett (your then-fiancé) with. I hope  you're not cheating on your current partner (if you are even with someone). 

It feels weird to write to you considering what you did, but it's a funny world we live in. You can choose to ignore this letter. Honestly, I don't care, but I just have a few things to get off my chest. 

When I met you, I wasn't looking for a relationship. But you seemed like a nice guy, and I told myself it would be different this time. I must have been really out of practice when it came to dating since I fell for your charm pretty quickly, which I must admit now was quite embarrassing on my part. Looking back, you must have noticed it too, since you asked me out right away. I suppose I was exactly the type of individual you'd been looking for that day. 

When we got together, things were good. It seemed like you cared about me. After all, you told me things I wanted to hear, asked how my day went, and brought me flowers. You did all the things an attentive, loving boyfriend does. Hearing you talk about your work and seeing your dedication made me so proud to be with you. I was grateful whenever you found time to spend with me, despite your busy schedule. 

So, imagine my surprise that night when I found you with another man after I flew out to surprise you. Discovering that I was the mistress. The cherry on top was being told none of your family lived in New York. I don't know if you've ever thought about it, but may I recommend acting if you ever decide to quit medicine? 

You hurt me, but I suppose I deserved it considering I've hurt others in the past. I think that's why I was drawn to you in the first place. My mind was unconsciously looking for someone who would hurt me for a change. I wish I had confronted you and asked for an explanation (which is funny considering I wasn't exactly in the habit of offering one when I hurt people in the past), but once again I ran. Running away was always my forte, just as cheating and lying were yours. 

I can't change the past, but I'm sorry that I ever crossed paths with you. Sorry, because crossing paths with you caused me to become an unknown participant in whatever sick game you were playing. Sorry, because crossing paths with you caused me to hurt yet another person again, albeit indirectly. Brett didn't deserve that. I didn't deserve that. And you didn't deserve us. 

I truly hope you have changed and become a better person. Not just for your own sake but also for the person who decides to take a chance on you.

I'm glad I'm writing to you because, with this letter, I can finally close this chapter. Take care, Trevor.  

Regards, 

Henry 

⏱⏱⏱

Henry meets Trevor at the park on a Saturday afternoon. Well, Trevor approaches him, and he doesn't know Trevor's called Trevor at the time. 

"A cute dog with a cute owner is not something you see every day." Henry freezes, unsure of how to respond back, staring at the male's crooked smile. Is he meant to say a pick-up line back or thank him? 

"Er...that is very kind of you." 

The male raises an eyebrow and smirks. "And he's British. My day's just getting better and better." He offers his hand for a handshake. "I'm Trevor." 

Henry blinks as the gears in his brain start turning. "Henry." 

Even though he enjoys being with Trevor, his grandmother is never far from his mind. He likes to think that he is a lot braver now and that he can confidently stand up to her if she tries to threaten him once again, but that doesn't stop him from shying away from Trevor in public. Trevor nods when Henry informs him that he's not comfortable being touched in public. Shame fills Henry as the lie leaves his lips. 

He must be doing something right this time around, because he never gets a phone call from her telling him to break things off with Trevor. Maybe she's finally gotten tired of it all. 

Trevor is an attending surgeon at a hospital in Baltimore, but he flies out to New York regularly to visit his family. Henry thinks that's sweet of him. Two months into their relationship, on impulse, Henry tells Trevor to stop wasting money on hotels and just stay at his place whenever he's in the city. He has a guest bedroom, after all. 

Trevor talks about his work, and it's clear that he's proud of what he does. There are instances where he comes off as obnoxious, but Henry thinks that's probably normal when you're a surgeon. He remembers Pez telling him how all surgeons think they're above everyone else in society. 

Trevor brings him flowers whenever he visits, pressing a filthy kiss on Henry's lips. Later, they order food and cuddle, satiating their hunger.

Trevor talks about his friends and family but never offers to introduce Henry to them. Henry doesn't mind, though, since he's not keen on introducing Trevor to his loved ones either. Not yet, anyway. 

Trevor talks about showing Henry around Baltimore but never explicitly invites him. He does, however, mention his address once in passing, and Henry locks it away, the idea already swirling around in his head. 

Henry grins to himself as he knocks on the door, carrying Trevor's favourite wine in one hand and his Burberry weekender in the other. Between rushing through his manuscript, assisting Pez with his newest youth shelter, and planning the surprise trip, he's exhausted. All he wants to do is drink wine, kiss his boyfriend, and sleep. 

As he waits for the door to open, he contemplates how smoothly this relationship is going. Despite Trevor's busy schedule and the distance between them, they're doing just fine. 

The door opens, and he gears himself only to freeze because that's definitely not Trevor standing at the doorway. 

Of course, nothing ever goes right for Henry because he finds out that Trevor is a lying bastard.

Trevor has been cheating on Henry.

Trevor has been in a relationship with Brett for four years, meaning Henry has been his filthy little secret all this time. 

Trevor is engaged to Brett. 

Trevor is not an attending surgeon, only a resident surgeon, and nowhere as important as he claims to be. 

Trevor has no family in New York, and he was only there for a work conference when he approached Henry that day at the park. 

Trevor says nothing when he's asked to explain everything, opting to open and close his mouth in shock. 

Henry apologises to Brett, hoping his sincerity gets through, tells Trevor to never contact him again, and walks out.

Trevor

10:51PM

babe, can we talk? 

please i can explain 

I thought I told you never contact me again.

And what is there to explain, Trevor.

Goodbye.

✉️✉️✉️

4. Dear Alex,

I miss you. I don't deserve to, but I do.

I miss you every day. I missed you yesterday, I miss you today, and I will miss you tomorrow.

I've written a couple of letters today, and for some reason I am struggling to write yours. I am not surprised; you have, after all, always left me with very few words. You probably don't want anything to do with me, and I don't blame you, but I hope you read this letter. There are things I'd like you to know—things I was not able to tell you when we were together. 

When I met you, I was not okay. I remember telling everyone, including myself, that I was, but I really was not okay. Frankly, I am not exactly sure why I was not okay. My therapist thinks it was the culmination of everything that I had just decided to put away for years instead of addressing. I'm inclined to think she is correct. 

Do you remember how I told you that after losing my father, my entire family chose to deal with his loss in our own way? Well, it was all my grandmother needed. She grabbed onto our vulnerability, her vines turning us into her puppets. Everywhere I turned, she was there, taunting me with her presence, and the only thing I could do was run. Run away every time her poisonous vines reached me, consequently destroying that place. Everywhere I went, destruction always followed.  

Between my grandmother and me, I am unsure who's had the privilege of planting the biggest seed of insecurity in my mind. Maybe her. Maybe me. Maybe both. But the fact is, when I met you, my mind was brimming with doubt, self-hatred, grief, anger, frustration, hurt, and pain, and it was only a matter of time before it all exploded. 

When we met, I had given up on relationships. It was my attempt to protect others, but mostly myself.

But you were such an enigma that I was instantly fascinated. How could I not be? You were so loud, sharp, and brazen yet so quiet, soft, and gentle. It used to scare me—realising just how much I wanted you the more I got to know you. You made me so desperate for attention that I clung to every little scrap you threw my way. I knew you'd never like someone as pathetic as me. That was fine, because I was happy to just be your friend, keep my unrequited feelings hidden, and admire you from a distance. Friendships, I've found, are a lot easier to navigate than relationships. And you meant too much to me to let feelings come in between. 

But somehow you wanted me, and I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I kept waiting for the day you would wake up and realise you deserved someone better. Realise that being with me only brings destruction. But that day never came, and I let my guard down just for a second. 

Suddenly, my grandmother was there, poisoning everything again. Her vines were around me once more, squeezing and squeezing until all the emotions were leaking from every pore in my body. And I had to run away before it reached you. You, who should have never been involved with me. O nly when I tried to run were you there, fighting for me the way no one has. Fighting for us when I wasn't. It made me ashamed because you were everything I was not and never would be—brave, strong, loving, lovable, untainted, and bright. 

So, I lied in desperation because I had to protect you. And, Alex, I wish I had never lied. I wish I had never let you go. Because the minute I lied, I realised I'd rather have my breathing cease than have to act like I didn't love you. Alex, my love, I want you to know that my heart remains tethered to you even after all this time. I've had a lot of regrets in my life and never done anything about them, but this time I want to do something. I am going to fight for you, and I'm sorry that I didn't back then. 

You deserve someone better than me, but I want you to choose me. Choose me so I can love you the way you deserve to be loved. I've been a coward my whole life, so for once, I want to fight for what I want. I don't want to think of the "what if's". This time, I'll be brave for both of us; I'll fight for our love, so this is me asking you to choose me. 

But I still have so much I want to tell you. About my family. About my grandmother. About Elliot, Dipen, and Trevor. I want to tell you what my favourite things about you are and how much I want to kiss you, but I'm afraid I will be writing for days. 

I don't deserve your love, but if you still want me, Alex, I am yours. I will wait until you're ready. If you don't want me, then I will stay away. It will destroy me, but I will respect your decision because all I've ever wanted is for you to be happy. 

You have and will always be my Orion. 

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of being and ideal grace.”

- Sonnet 43, Elizabeth Barrett Browning - 

Forever yours,

Henry 

⏱⏱⏱

Henry meets Alex on a Sunday evening when he accompanies Pez to a charity gala. Well, he doesn't know he's called Alex when they bump into each other, tumbling into the champagne tower set. The entire room comes to a halt, with everyone staring at the two men, surrounded by spilled drinks and broken glasses. 

Next thing he knows, he's in a room, a towel being placed in his arms. "Do you think anyone noticed?" 

Henry blinks at the amused look on the man's face, and he hopes the slight inhale he takes goes unnoticed because the man has the most gorgeous set of eyelashes. The man is also extremely attractive. His hair is undone, little curls falling over his forehead. His lips are quirked in a small grin, and that, combined with those fucking eyelashes, renders Henry's throat dry. It's horrifying when he is unable to stop the little noise that escapes his lips as the man removes his tie to undo the top three buttons. The veins on his hand and the slight skin that peeks through make Henry feel like a Victorian man seeing a naked ankle for the first time.

"No, I don't think anyone noticed two ridiculously tall men falling and destroying the very expensive champagne tower set." The man laughs, and even that sounds lovely. It's deep, rich, and soft, causing a shiver to run down his spine. 

"Well, we gave them a show for free, so I hope there won't be any hard feelings." Henry flushes at the sly smirk. "I'm Alex, by the way."

"Er...Henry." Alex grins, and there is a drop of champagne that clings to a clump of eyelashes. Henry is horrified to discover that he wants to lick it off. Good god, this is mortifying. 

"Well, Henry, you use the bathroom first. I'm gonna try and see if I can find us something clean to wear." 

Henry doesn't expect to meet Alex again after the charity gala, but when he comes to the youth shelter, he's surprised to see the man with Pez. He's wearing a suit again, only this time he's sporting a pair of glasses. Henry's brain short circuits right then and there, causing another mortifying sound to escape his lips. It's loud enough to stop their conversation and look his way. Alex blinks, smiling, as recognition takes over his face. And Pez? He gives a sly grin as he beckons Henry to join them. 

"Hazza, darling, I'm sure you're already well acquainted with Alex. His firm is taking over Victoria Álvarez's case." 

Apparently Alex is a lawyer and volunteered to take the lead on Victoria's case when he recognised Pez's name from the charity gala. "Hopefully, this time we won't be tumbling into anymore champagne tower sets." 

Later, Pez tells him it was fun seeing the blush on his face. Great.

"Have you ever had laksa?" The startled yelp Henry lets out is embarrassing. "Fuck sorry, thought you heard me come." Yes, he would quite like to hear Alex come. God, he's going to hell if he continues having these thoughts.

"Don't worry, I wasn't paying attention."

Alex grins, running his hand through his curls once before sliding it into his trouser pocket. "So, you ever tried laksa, Henry?" And the way his name rolls off Alex's tongue makes something unknown curl deep inside him. 

"I'm afraid I haven't." 

"I thought so. You don't look like someone who's tried it before." Henry splutters, offended. "Relax; you just look like you do regular afternoon teas with the Queen of England." 

"Pardon? Because I'm British?" 

"Nope. Because you have that fuckass pompous accent going on. Bet you're called Lord Henry or something too." 

"Erm...I-" 

"Oh my gosh, I'm right, aren't I? You do have a title." 

"No, only my brother gets the title...since he is the eldest and the heir." Alex raises an eyebrow. "It's not what you think. He just gets the first dibs on the family home and family savings." 

Alex snorts. "Alright. If he gets the title and the first dibs on everything, what do you get?" 

"Erm...access to family privilege and a courtesy title?" Alex snorts louder, and Henry smiles. 

"Let's hear it, then, your courtesy title." 

"Well...I'm not sure th-"

Alex raises an eyebrow. "Henry, we ruined an entire charity gala together; don't shy away from me now." 

"Right...well...it...I'm going to regret this, but it's The Honourable Henry George Edward James Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor, but it's just for formality, honestly." 

"Sorry, tryna get my head around the fact that you actually do have a title and a mouthful of a name on top of that." Alex pauses, looking at him curiously. "Are you related to the Queen?"

"No, I'm not, and no, I've never met her." 

"Suurree. I know a place that does amazing laksa. You up for a culinary adventure?" Henry spares a second thought to his to-do list before nodding. Alex smiles before doing a terrible bow. "Shall we then, The Honourable Hen-"

"Please, I beg you not. And the courtesy title is exactly that. I'm actually just Mr." He chuckles when he gets an eye roll.

Laksa is amazing. The moan Henry lets out after the first bite immediately has him wishing the floor would crack open and swallow him. He can't make out what the look Alex gives him means. 

Suddenly, Alex is offering to take Henry on more culinary adventures, and Henry is just a simple man, so he agrees every time. Occasionally, when Pez joins them, he throws those infuriating sly grins at Henry.

It takes Henry a month to finally be brave enough to invite Alex to join him for dinner at a small dim sum spot nearby. Only when he makes his way over to the temporary makeshift office Alex has occupied for the past month, whenever he stops by the youth shelter to work on the case, he finds the man packing everything away. He must feel Henry's presence because he looks up. "Gracing me with your presence, Your Majesty?" 

Henry rolls his eyes so hard that he is sure he can see the interior of his skull. "Your Majesty is reserved for the Queen. If I were an heir to the throne, then it would actually be Your Royal Highness." 

"Oh, thank you for the etiquette lesson." 

"You're desperately in need of one." He grins at the small ball of paper chucked his way. "Are you moving rooms or something?" 

"Moving rooms? Oh, no, Victoria's case is over, soooo you'll be pleased to know that I'll be out of your hair." Oh. "Buuut, you won't be getting rid of me that easily. Now that the case is over, I can bug you 24/7 without having to be professional." 

"You and professional in the same sentence can only mean that the apocalypse is here." 

"Blah, blah, blah, fuck you. I have a law degree, so say whatever you want, sweetheart, but you're dealing with a professional here." Heat curls up in his gut at the way Alex says sweetheart, and he desperately wants to be Alex's sweetheart. "Anyway, what tickles your pickle today? I've been busy today, so I haven't thought of a place."

"Oh, right...erm...I actually came over to invite you out for a change. There is a...erm...a lovely dim sum spot nearby...Pez took me there, and I liked it. If you prefer some-"

"I love dim sum; you liked that place. I'm hungry, and you're probably too, so I'm down for it. Whisk me away, Your Royal Highness." Once again, Henry rolls his eyes so hard he almost sees the back of his head. 

Before they part ways, Alex hands Henry his phone and demands he put his number down. "Calling me Your Royal Highness only to order me around, you need to be tied up and punished." 

"You don't need to tie me up to punish me. I can be a good boy." Henry stops, blinks, and decides not to respond back because he's not sure he can trust his mouth right now. "Anyways, no booty calls. I'm a professional lawyer who is all about business."

"I'm going to regret giving you my number, aren't I?"

Conversing with Alex through text is no different than conversing with him in person. He is just as crazy in text as he is in person. Texting Henry about everything and anything. Henry finds that he enjoys texting Alex. He's hilarious. 

"Someone asked me out for brunch, yet is actively ignoring me. I'm hurt, Hazza." Pez has a devious smile on his face, and Henry blushes, trying to think of an excuse.

"It was just David's sitter...sending me an update."

"Yeah, and Mary is the world's best grandmother." Henry huffs and sticks his chin out. "It's been a while since I've seen you this relaxed. I like it. I also like our dear friend Alex." Pez winks at him, biting his bruschetta. 

"It's not like-"

"I'm not blind, Haz. Let yourself have something for once." 

"Pez-"

"Alright, alright, but I just want you to be happy." 

They are unable to meet up for a while. Henry, busy with his writing and helping out in the youth shelter, and Alex, swamped with new cases. Pez tells him he looks like a mediaeval wife waiting for her husband to return from the war. He pointedly ignores Pez and makes his best friend's coffee without sugar. 

Alex meets him at a Tibetan place for dinner, and as they tuck into their thukpa, they talk about Henry's writing, Alex's work, and the youth shelter. 

"Bug and Nora staged an intervention, threw me out of my own apartment, and said not to return until 10 p.m. Can you believe it?" 

"I'm sorry...bug?" 

"My sister, June. And Nora, my best friend. I love them, and they're fucking insane. When you meet them, make sure you stay behind me because they have claws." When not if? There is a little flutter in his chest. "Are your siblings as crazy as mine?"

"Erm...probably. When you grow up with my grandmother, one has a hard time not being crazy." Alex lets the spoon stop right before his lips and tilts his head. "It's a story for another day. Ideally accompanied by something stronger than this iced tea."

"Luckily for you, I've been given strict orders not to return until at least 10 p.m., and I know a great cocktail bar."

"I'm afraid I'll have to decline. I need to go home to David; he's waiting for me." Henry tries not to have any thoughts about the way Alex's shoulders drop just enough. "My dog. I need to take him out for his evening walk because his sitter cancelled at the last minute." The shoulders perk back up, and Henry really tries not to have any thoughts. 

"You named your dog David? Does he do his own tax refund as well?" Henry harrumphs and sticks his nose out. 

"He's named after Bowie." Alex stares at him, and Henry knows exactly what the lawyer is about to say, so he cuts him off before he even gets the chance. "Yes, Alex, I know I could have named him Bowie, but it felt a bit on the nose." 

His mouth is opening again before his brain is able to catch up. "Would you like to join us? Since you're allowed to return home until much later." 

David loves Alex. In fact, David loves Alex so much that Henry gets demoted to simply being the leash holder. But he can't bring himself to be jealous when he watches his beagle trot after the male. 

The next day, Pez goads him into admitting that he was a little jealous. Hmph, whatever.

Henry is confident that he and Alex have become quite good friends, but after the park, there is an unspoken shift in them because they get even closer. In fact, they are so close that Alex makes a regular habit of calling Henry and asking him to help make a choice between his collection of lucky underwear to wear the night before the court hearings of some of his harder cases. 

And because Alex has no shame whatsoever, on more than one occasion he's shirtless when he FaceTimes Henry. The first time this happens, Hnery promptly chokes on his chamomile tea, scrambling to the bathroom as it drips from his mouth and nose. 

"H, you good?" No! What a sick man to be asking if Henry's good in that gentle, worried voice. 

"Sorry, David started me, so I accidentally swallowed my tea wrong." David lifts his head up from his cushion and gives his owner a very unimpressed look. Apparently, he can't even lie in the comfort of his own home. 

Alex loves living in New York, but nothing will ever bring him the joy that Texas does.

Alex regularly turns up to his house—unannounced—demanding to pet David, who is just happy for extra belly rubs and treats. 

Alex takes him to secret hidden spots in the city, serving some of the best foods Henry's had in his life. Pez shares the same sentiment when he joins them. 

Alex yaps about June and Nora so much that Henry feels like he personally knows them. It's clear that the of three are very close, and it's moments like this when he misses Bea even more. 

Alex doesn't mention his parents a lot, but he talks about them enough for Henry to know that they're divorced, living in separate states, his mum is married to someone called Leo, and that his parents argue more than they get along but still deeply care for each other. 

Alex likes his coffee with one sugar and a bit of cinnamon, and Henry stares in horror as the male tells him that if he could, he would inject the liquid into his veins for a more direct effect. 

Alex is attentive to others but bad at taking care of himself. This leads to June and Nora staging an intervention. 

Alex calls him sweetheart so regularly that Henry is appalled to catch himself pouting whenever the male calls him by his name instead. 

Alex leans all of his weight on the person next to him when he laughs—Henry knows since he's been crushed by the male quite frequently. But he doesn't mind much since he finds out that Alex smells divine. 

Alex came out as bisexual four years ago, but apparently everyone had already gotten the memo before him. As he dips his dosa in the mint chutney, he tells Henry he should've realised it earlier when he and his college best friend used to "play with each other's dicks." The elderly couple seated next to them look at them with so much disdain that Henry feels compelled to stutter out a quick apology.

Henry tells Alex that his dad passed away when he was quite young, that sometimes he has a hard time picturing his dad's face from memories alone. 

Henry tells Alex that although he misses his family, he prefers living in New York, but chooses not to delve into details as to why he feels that way. 

Henry tells about how strict his grandmother can get, but doesn't explain more despite the curious look the male throws him. 

Henry talks about how he thinks Bea and Pez would be great friends with June and Nora. He doesn't mention his brother, and Alex never pushes him.

Henry invites Alex to join him and David in the park whenever he's free. He catches his reflection in the hall mirror and is embarrassed to notice that he's beaming.

Henry makes sure there is a steaming cup of coffee waiting for Alex whenever he pops by his brownstone or the youth shelter. Pez throws him a knowing look each time. 

Henry introduces Alex to Jaffa Cakes and Bake Off, then promptly wishes he hadn't because the male just does not appreciate them enough.

Henry feels his cheeks heat up whenever he arrives at their regular cafe to find Alex already in their spot, sipping on his coffee and typing away on his phone. There's always an Earl Grey next to his coffee, ready to greet Henry. 

Henry is aware of the feelings blooming in his chest, and as each bud blooms, the more helpless he becomes. He knows he needs to snip them before they become uncontrollable. Alex could never love someone like him—a damaged product bearing years of scars. No, Alex needs to love someone as bright and untainted as himself. 

"The 27th is Bug's birthday. Wear something blue. That's the theme."

Henry pauses. His gyros is threatening to fall apart. "Pardon?" 

"Bug's birthday is on the 27th, and you two are invited. Make sure to wear blue. Otherwise, you will be turned away at the door." 

"And...you just assumed that we would be free. That I wouldn't have something else planned?"

"Do you..." Alex gives him a smug look, and Henry wants to wipe it away, preferably with his own lips. "Have something planned then, sweetheart?" 

Henry sniffs, sticking his chin out. 

June and Nora are absolutely lovely, and in no time, Henry finds himself trading jokes with them. He misses Bea so much because now he is definitely confident that she would get along great with the two. He makes a mental note to FaceTime her later and convince her to visit him soon. 

Bea visits him three months later, and just as he predicted, she fits right in. She also takes one look at him and Alex, and a knowing smile graces her pretty face. 

"I like him, Hen." Henry pretends like he doesn't know what she's talking about. 

"Hopefully, we don't tumble into the cake considering we don't have a good track record." Henry snorts as he sips his drink, spilling it slightly when someone bumps into him. Alex places his hand on the small of his back, directing him closer, allowing Henry to get a whiff of his friend's perfume.Heat coils in his stomach because he wants Alex. 

"Track record? We fell into the expensive centrepiece one time." 

"Yeah, and how many people can brag about that, H?" 

"You're ridiculous." Before Alex can retort back, Pez slides next to them with a grin. 

"If you boys tumble into the cake and destroy my charity event, I will personally see to it that there is no evidence left when you two disappear." Then he is floating off, kissing another guest. 

Alex drags him to a club. Someone drags Alex ten minutes into stepping inside the stuffy venue. Henry huddles at the corner, where he can keep an eye on Alex. 

Alex is truly a sight to behold. His curls are flying around as he throws his head back in a laugh. And when he looks over to Henry and smiles at him so gently, Henry aches. Aches because he knows his heart stood no chance against the male from the start. Aches because one day Alex will find someone else to call sweetheart, but only this time he will actually mean it. 

Suddenly, overcome with his thoughts, he finds himself rushing out of the club—missing the frown on Alex's face—taking refuge in the crisp air outside. 

Alex follows him out. Alex looks worried. Alex is talking. 

Henry talks back. Alex looks confused. Henry feels frustration pour out of him because why can't Alex understand what he's trying to say?

"I am so confused right now. What do you mean, you ca-"

Henry swallows his words up with a kiss. Alex kisses back. Alex kisses back.

"So...does this...mean you like me back...?" Alex gives him an unimpressed look. 

"I just sucked your dick and rolled your balls around in my mouth, so you tell me what this means, sweetheart." Henry opens and closes his mouth, and he must look pitiful because Alex leans over to press the lips together. "You're an idiot." 

"I'm sorry, how was I meant to know you liked me back?" 

"Uhh...since I call you sweetheart, I take you out for meals, I FaceTime you shirtless, I flirt with you, I come-" His brain stutters to a stop. 

"Wait, all this time you were shirtless on purpose?" Alex nods. "And how was I supposed to know you were flirting with me? You're a terrible flirt, Alex!" 

Alex splutters indignantly. "You think I'm in the habit of doing all that for all my friends?" Henry huffs.

"You told me you used to play with your friend's dick, so yes, I believe you would do all that for a friend, actually."

"We're both idiots, Jesus. Bug and Nora are never gonna let me live this down." He lays back on the sofa, pulling Henry with him. "We gotta come up with a different story on how we got together." 

Being with Alex, Henry pleasantly finds out, is not much different to their usual relationship. Except now, he can kiss Alex or hold his hands all he wants. It's great.

The first morning after Alex stays over, he calls Henry baby in his raspy, sleep-induced voice and Henry's entire body short circuits. Alex must notice his body going still because he is alert immediately. When he finds out what happened, he laughs so hard that Henry has to kick him out of bed. 

"H, baby, you like that, huh?" 

There are days when Henry lets his insecurity take over. Allows the thoughts to beat him into submission until all he can do is sob and dig his nails into his palm in a desperate attempt to ground himself.

There are days when his grandmother haunts him to the point that he has to call Bea with shaking hands, desperate to find out if she's succeeded in suffocating his entire family back in England. 

There are days when he can't bring himself to get out of bed, despite David whining for his walk and breakfast. All he can do is whimper out an apology to the beagle and call Pez. 

There are days when he ignores all of Alex's attempts to reach him, his mind taunting him about how Alex could never want someone like him. But his sweet, lovely Alex, who rushes over to his brownstone in worry, makes those dark clouds of doubt disappear momentarily.

There are days when Henry wakes up hating himself and goes to bed hating himself. He thinks about Elliot, Dipen, and Trevor, and how it's only a matter of time before he'll need to run again. 

These days are few, but they're there nonetheless. 

Alex fucks all of Henry's thoughts into incoherence, teasing him until he is shaking and whining for release, then screaming his boyfriend's name when he finally does. God, Henry loves getting dicked down by Alex. 

"Pizza?" All Henry can manage is a confused noise. "Shall we get pizza?"

"Love, you just fucked my brains out and are talking about pizza?"

"Uhh yeah...? So, pizza?" He loves this man.

"Margherita for me, please." 

Alex loves cooking. He cooks for Henry every chance he gets. He tells Henry how he learned to cook from his dad because his mum's a disaster in the kitchen. And Henry adores watching him cook. He adores the little stories and histories his boyfriend tells behind each dish he chooses to make that day.

"There's a rope that keeps me attached to you, and every time we stray away, it brings me back to you. Tethering me to you." Alex tells him as they both watch David chase after the ball. 

Henry's throat stings, and he leans closer, unable to trust his voice. When he lifts their entwined hands to press a kiss on the male's knuckles, he prays it conveys his feelings back. 

Alex introduces him to his parents, and right away Henry can recognise traits of them in his boyfriend. Determination that can be taken for bullheaded arrogance from Ellen. Loud humour that can be mistaken for sharp insults from Oscar. Quiet observation that can be seen as shrewd scrutinisation from Leo. 

Alex gives him a sharp look when he flinches when Ellen and Oscar snap at each other, only to start sharing a joke in the next second. He shakes his head and smiles. "Just got startled, love; I'm okay." 

Alex nods, but he knows Alex doesn't believe him. 

"What made you want to start writing?" They're lying in the shade, their stomachs full from the picnic Alex had packed. They can hear David yelp at the birds. 

"My parents. They gave me a Jane Austen book for my tenth birthday, and when I read it, I wanted to create something equally beautiful."

"Has Gran mentioned me recently?" Does she know about Alex? remains unspoken, but he knows his sister can decipher his words. 

"No. I reckon she's grown tired of persuading you to come back to jolly old England." Henry stays quiet. "Is everything alright, Hen?" 

"Yes, and that's what worries me. Things are going a little too smoothly." 

"I know Gran's done a number on all of us, but Hen, love, don't think too much about it. Everything's going to be fine." 

"I know bu-" 

"Hen, if you keep waiting for Gran to appear, you're going to worry yourself sick. Don't let her get into your head, love." 

"Okay." 

He does his best to keep his grandmother out of his head. But as his relationship with Alex enters its sixth month, he keeps waiting for her vines to touch them. Because the damage she's inflicted is far too great to have healed completely, even after all this time. 

"Baby, these muffins are delicious. My talented little baker." Henry puffs his chest out proudly and walks around the rest of the day with a grin on his face. 

There is a package waiting for Henry when he returns from the youth shelter. He's confused because he hasn't ordered anything and is even more confused when he sees that it's from England. With a frown marring his face, he opens it quickly, gaping when he looks at the boxes of Jaffa Cakes. What in the world? 

His phone pings, and it's his boyfriend. enjoy your jabba cakes, sweetheart. noticed ure stock was running low. And fuck, he loves this man so much. 

The next day, when he goes over to Alex's apartment, he makes sure to thank his boyfriend properly by riding him until he's crying against Henry's mouth. 

"You're gonna have to keep quiet, sweetheart; people might hear your filthy moans." Henry nods, hands over his mouth, as he pleads with Alex silently to continue. Alex smirks, pressing a light kiss on the tip of his cock before taking his entire length in his mouth. The warmth of his mouth and the vibrations from the small hums have his knees buckling.

A noise slips past his hands, and Alex stops. He pulls away, eliciting a wanton whine from Henry, and purrs. "Gotta be quiet, baby, if you wanna come down my throat. You want that, don't you?" Henry nods, desperate to have the male's mouth back on him. "If you be a good boy and stay quiet, when we get home, I'll let you fuck my mouth and come down my throat again." Yes, yes, fuck, Henry can definitely be a good boy. 

It takes less than five minutes for Henry to spill down Alex's throat. Alex laps up every drop and presses yet another light kiss.

"Good boy, as a reward, you get to fuck my mouth again later." Alex rasps quietly, lips swollen, eyes slightly teary, looking thoroughly fucked out from their recent activity, and Henry wishes he could will the time to go faster. 

June takes one look at them and gags. "You two couldn't hold it in your pants for one evening? 

"I don't think you want to know the answer to that, Bug." June throws her arms up in defeat and walks back to the party. 

Later, as they converse with the guests, Henry thinks about Alex's words. When we get home. We. Home. 

For Henry's birthday, they plan a small getaway to Texas. They spend a blissful two days in Alex's family lake house before their friends join them for the rest of the week to celebrate Henry's birthday. Henry gapes when he spies Bea exiting the car.

"Surprise, baby." He turns towards his boyfriend, still gaping. "I know you miss your family. I don't know the rest of your family, but I know Bea, so I thought having her here for your birthday might make you feel more at home."

Henry feels the familiar sting in his eyes as he nods and speaks shakily, his voice thick with emotion. "I...I...Thank you, Alex."

It's the best birthday he's had in a very long time. He's with his love, and his sister and friends are all here. Ellen, Leo, and Oscar surprise him on the evening of his birthday with a barbecue. He only wishes his own parents were here. 

His mum calls him in the morning briefly. 

His brother sends him a simple message and signs it off with both his and Martha's names. 

He doesn't receive anything from his grandmother, and he finds that he doesn't care much. Not when he's surrounded by love. 

Then it all goes wrong. Henry's not allowed to be happy. Not when his grandmother's vines are still on the lookout for him. It was only a matter of time before they caught him again. 

"All these years, I have sat back and let you make a mockery of our family's name. I have protected you; let you do as you please, continuously holding onto the hope that one day you will come to your senses." She pauses. 

"And I thought you finally had. But I was wrong, it seems. You might not be a popular writer, Henry, but you are not unknown. Your small group of admirers have noticed you galloping around with a man and posted pictures of you on the internet. And what is worse are the repulsive lies that engaged man said about you." 

Henry goes cold, his mind reeling over this revelation. What? Photos? Internet? Engaged man? Trevor?

"Our lawyers tried to take the pictures and the article down, but the damage has been done. This is my final warning to you, Henry, if you wish to continue writing and protecting this man, you will do as I say and return home. Immediately. I cannot sit here idly anymore." 

"Wha-"

"You might think that since I am in England, I have no influence or connections to destroy that boy's life. But you are wrong, my dear, and I can make it so that that boy is never able to practice law in the entire country."

Henry feels bile rising in his throat. "You have no righ-"

"I do, and I always will, when it comes to the preservation of this family, Henry. And you will be smart enough to remember that. You have until the end of next month to sort everything out and return. You can continue writing from home, and this is final. Take care." 

He doesn't make it to the bathroom in time, puking just inches away from the toilet. How fitting.

Later, he types up his name on the search bar. There's not much—mostly old, miscellaneous articles about his books and reviews on random websites. He clicks on images, and not much pops up. An image catches his eye; it's him in an embrace with a man whose face is turned away from the camera. Alex.

He clicks on the link, and it leads him to Twitter. There are a few people under the post wondering who the other man is.

He notices a tag with his name and clicks on it, freezing when he sees his own face in multiple pictures. And he feels bile rising in his throat again because, in a lot of them, Alex is clearly visible.

the guy who wrote the book about men fighting like rabid dogs over a girl likes sucking cocks??? #henryfmw #yoursforeternity

a cute guy like him deserves a cute bf! #henryfmw #betweenthesewalls

he's gay?? wtf??? #henryfmw #yoursforeternity

ppl acting ??? finding out henry likes men when he's always hinted at it lmfao #henryfmw

anyone know who the bf is?? he's fucking hot #henryfmw

want to climb both of them! #henryfmw 

screenshot this article but i think its been deleted but it's kinda insane idk #henryfmw

He clicks on the pictures and reads as the writer, Miguel Ramos, talks about Henry's upcoming book and how he seems to be in a relationship based on pictures floating around. Thankfully, nothing points to Alex's identity. But as he clicks on the next picture, he finds a quote from someone called Troy. Trevor. 

"He writes about romance all the time, but in reality, he wasn't a good lover. He's a nice guy, don't get me wrong, but he's not cut out for love. He can be very dismissive of his partner; I would know, considering I was with him for four months. He would always make excuses and flirt wi-"

Henry closes the window and rushes to the bathroom. 

"Have you noticed anything odd recently?" He asks, nonchalant, like there isn't a storm raging inside him. Alex frowns, tilting his head in confusion. "It's just that my editor informed me that some of my readers have posted pictures of him online. There was an article...it's been taken down now...I mean, thankfully, I'm not very well known, so it didn't get much traction. But still, I don't want you to-" 

"H, sweetheart, relax. No, I haven't noticed anything weird. This is New York; no one has time for anyone."

He thinks maybe his grandmother was just trying to scare him, but then he sees the plane ticket in his inbox. And he knows that she isn't. Her vines are around him, and it's only a matter of time before they reach Alex. All he can think about are his grandmother's words from their last phone call.

I can make it so that that boy is never able to practice law in the entire country.

It starts becoming too much. His mind starts spiralling again, trapping him with no escape. 

He starts making excuses, using his upcoming deadline to get out of their dates. Bitterly, he thinks there is something nostalgic about doing this again.

He uses the same excuses for not replying to his boyfriend's texts or picking up his calls as much. 

He feigns headaches to cut their dates short and rush home, telling Alex to get home safely. 

He starts pulling away from Alex's touch in public, giving the male an apologetic smile. 

But he should have known that with Alex, things would never be that easy. It's just as Alex said—the rope tying Alex to Henry keeps them bound to one another because Alex refuses to be pushed away. Every attempt Henry makes to pull away, Alex pushes right back, closing the distance once again. 

"You're pushing me away, sweetheart. What's wrong?" 

"Nothing; you're being ridiculous, love." 

It all blows over when he makes another pathetic attempt to get out of yet another date. 

"Okay, that's it. What's going on? You can deny it all you want, but we both know that you're pulling away."

"Noth-" 

Alex scoffs. "Yeah, we're not doing this. We're done running around in circles. Sweetheart, talk to me. Please."

And Henry is so tired. Tired of trying to keep everything together to the point where the seams holding his life together are fraying apart. 

"You can't do anything." Alex takes his face in his hand, smiling gently. 

"I disagree. Whatever is bothering you, we can face it. Together, baby, you and I."

Henry feels his eyes sting because he wants that. Wants together. But he can't because Henry never gets what he wants. So he steps away from Alex, steeling himself before speaking. 

"There is no together, Alex." Alex smiles, hesitant. 

"What are you saying?" 

"I'm saying that I'm afraid we've run our course, and it's time to put this relationship to rest." 

'No." 

"Excuse me?"

Alex clenches his jaw, and all Henry wants to do is press kisses on it to ease the tension there. "I said no. I'm not letting us break up. Not when you're it for me, and I know I'm it for you too."

Henry sticks his chin out slightly. 

"You're not. You're not it for me, Alex." Alex takes a step towards him, tears forming, and it tears Henry apart to take a step back. "I'm tired, Alex. I'm tired of turning my head left and right, wondering if one of my readers is taking a picture of us. I'm tired of wondering if it's always going to be like this. I can't do this anymore because being with you is becoming a burden."

He breathes shakily, "And I don't think I have the strength to shoulder it anymore. Our love has become a burden for me." 

Alex flinches back, pain etched on his beautiful face. "Baby, plea-"

"I'm sorry, Alex. We've had a good run, so I'd like us to end on a good note too. Please, leave." 

"H-Henry....please...you don't mean that. If you're having a hard time, we can both take a little break. That sounds good, right, baby?" Alex chokes out, pleading. "How long do you want to take a break for? Till next month? Or do you want more?" 

Henry closes his eyes, tears falling. 

"I'm moving back to England, Alex. I'm going back home, because no matter what I do, I can't outrun my reality." 

"What about your home here?"

"I have no home here. I'm done with New York, with you, and with my life here."

"You have a home in me, sweetheart. You'll always have a home with me." 

Pez hugs him, helps him pack, and stays quiet. 

"Are you not going to say anything?" Pez shakes his head, smiling at him. Henry's lips tremble.

"I want you to be happy, Haz." He presses a kiss on Henry's forehead before filling the box with Henry's books.

"Are June and Nora mad at me?"

"No, darling. They're confused, but they're not mad." Pez looks at him, contemplating. "And neither is Alex. He's hurt, heartbroken, and upset, but not angry. So, you need to stop being angry at yourself too."

Henry stares at the traces of Alex in his home. All piled up in one small box, ready to go with Pez so he can return them to their rightful owner. 

Alex, who in such a short time has carved his way into Henry's heart and found a permanent place there.

Alex, whom Henry let go, because being with Henry will only destroy Alex. 

Alex, who's ruined every man for Henry. 

Henry takes out Alex's hoodie and stuffs it away before Pez takes the box. 

He lands at Heathrow on Wednesday morning. He's home, yet he feels like he doesn't belong here. 

Philip looks surprised to see him. "Henry, what are you doing here?"

"Hello, Pip, I'm back. Gran asked me to return home." His brother frowns, utterly confused. "I'm exhausted, so I'll see you later." 

He ignores his brother calling after him. 

He's giving David extra treats for being a good boy during the flight when Bea barges in. He shakily smiles at her, bracing himself for the hug as she rushes up to him. God, he had missed her so much.

Their mum calls to welcome him, confusion clear in her voice as to why he'd returned, but it's a whole week before she actually greets him in person. 

Their grandmother doesn't acknowledge his return right away, and Henry's thankful for that. He has a lot of wounds to lick in silence. But three weeks after his return, she requests that everyone join her for lunch. It goes exactly as Henry thought it would. Terrible.

Alex texts him, leaves him voicemail, and calls him, and it takes Henry every drop of strength in his body to not open them or respond back. He slips up and opens a voicemail by mistake, and his ex-lover's soft voice rings out. It lacks the usual jovial tone, and Henry finds himself hating himself even more because he did that. He caused the anguish in Alex's voice. He always destroys everything around him. 

"Henry, I'm not mad. I just want us to sit down and talk properly....an-and if you still can't l-love me...or picture me in your future...then I'll ge-get out of your hair. H, sweetheart...pl-please just talk to me." 

Bea finds him wiping his tears, his heart crying out for its lost love. "I really hurt him, Bea." 

"Oh, love, it's okay. I'm here. We'll work things out. Distance doesn't mean anything if b-" A sob rips through his lips, and he shakes his head. He pulls out of her arms, getting up to pace around.

"No, I can't get back with him. I ruined it; she poisoned it again. Every-" He doesn't hear the sharp inhale his sister takes; he is too caught up in his own thoughts.

"Henry." He flinches at his name, slightly taken aback by the firm tone. Bea beckons him to join her again. "I need you to tell me everything. Who poisoned everything, love?" He trembles, fatigue wrecking his entire body. "Please, Hen, tell me what happened."

As the tears run down his face, he explains everything. 

His mum requests everyone join her for dinner. He thinks about making an excuse to get out, but Bea implores him to come. Henry's only taken his first bite when all hell breaks loose. 

"Mum, I know that you've been threatening Henry." 

Henry freezes, a buzzing sound filling his ears. Huh?

He is unaware of what is being exchanged, his own mind choosing to blank out. When he finally tunes back in, his mum is spitting at his grandmother, who looks livid and terrified. What an interesting sight. 

"If you wish to keep your position as the head of the family, then you'll leave my children alone. After you, I'm the biggest shareholder, so I imagine it won't be that hard to convince the entire board that you're getting a tad bit too old for your position."

His mum's apologising, but all he can think is how she's too late. It's painful to think that just one threat from her was enough to crumble their grandmother. 

"Thanks, mum, but it's too late. You're too late. I needed you back then; we all needed you back then, and I understand you were hurting. You lost dad after all, but we lost him too. Thanks for fighting my battles for me now, but I've already lost in case you haven't noticed." He digs his nails in his palm, swallowing the lump in his throat as he thinks about Elliot, Dipen, and Alex. Alex, his sweet, beautiful Alex. 

"I had to let go of people I loved, people I love, and people I'll always love, so yeah, I'm afraid you're too late, mum." 

Bea tells him he can go back to New York now. But he can't. Not when New York means Alex, and he can't have Alex anymore. He doesn't want New York without Alex. 

June and Nora occasionally message him. Sharing little rants and anecdotes and tell him they miss him. 

His lovely Pez calls him every day, talking about the youth shelter and how much the kids miss him. He promises to fly out soon so he can take Henry out on a date. Henry smiles, thankful to have Pez in his life.

Alex doesn't call or text him anymore. There are no more voicemails, either. It's only been three months since he left, but he's probably forgotten Henry. He doesn't mind it because Henry's not a memorable guy. Not like Alex. 

On the fifth month of returning to England, Bea suggests that he see a therapist. She says she's been seeing one regularly, and it's helped her a lot. A week after she suggests it, he asks her for the number. 

He has his first appointment on the second week of his sixth month back home. Therapy is hard, exhausting, and leaves him raw and drained. He feels naked, the way his therapist throws a dart at every single one of his thoughts, hitting bullseye right away. It's scary. It's liberating. 

"Why do you feel like you can't be happy, Henry?" 

"I don't deserve it." She stares at him with a thoughtful look on her face and smiles. 

"I disagree. You've always deserved it. And you still deserve it. You will always deserve it." 

Bea echoes his therapist's words. It's uncanny. "You deserve this, Hen. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve Alex. Just as Alex deserves you." 

He completes his new book, seven months after returning to England. It's a lot of work—changing the entire premise of the book and convincing his team to trust him. There are slight grumbles, but they cave in to his requests because they believe in him. 

"A Tyrst in Pompeii" 

- for my lost love, let us sing our song to the world - 

Bea throws a celebratory lunch, and for the first time in a long time, Henry doesn't feel like using an excuse. Things are still slightly awkward between him, their mum and his brother, but he can tell the ice is thawing. Their grandmother declines the invitation, but he doesn't care. 

There are texts from his friends and photos of his new book in their hands, and he smiles. Even across the ocean, they believe in him. 

At the end of the day, as David snuggles into his chest, his phone pings. congrats, the book is amazing. you're amazing, H. 

On his eighth month back home, he starts looking up places in New York. Another brownstone with a parking space. Three bedrooms, a big kitchen, close to a park, decent walking distance to the youth shelter, and good distance from a law office. 

On his ninth month back home, he closes the deal on a brownstone that ticks all of his checklists. He tells his therapist before he tells his family. 

"Moving can be daunting. Moving back to a place that holds so many memories can be scary, considering things might not be the same anymore. But that's okay. You fight one battle at a time, crossing one hurdle after another." 

"I'm going back to New York." 

His family smiles like they've been waiting for this announcement for a while. He smiles back. 

On his tenth month back home, he asks Pez to help him shop for furniture. Pez blinks at him. 

"Haz, is this you telling me you're coming back?" Henry grins back. 

"I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I don't know how to rectify them. I don't know if I ever will." 

"That's okay. Mistakes are inevitable, and we can't rectify every single one of them." 

"Letters?"

"Yes. You said you had a lot of regrets when it came to certain people, and you don't know how to cope with the guilt. You're a writer, so voice your thoughts through them."

"Do...do I send it to them afterwards?"

"I only listen to you and suggest the best ways to address your current feelings, Henry. What you do with them is entirely up to you." 

On his eleventh month back home, he writes the letters. It's funny. He's a writer, yet he struggles. He debates a lot and ultimately decides to post the letters before he chickens out. 

On his twelfth month back home, he visits his dad's grave. He talks and talks until his voice is hoarse. 

"Take care of yourself, old man. I love you." 

A week before he flies out, he receives a letter.

It's from Alex. 

It's Tuesday afternoon when he says goodbye to England once again.

✉️✉️✉️

5. Dear Henry, 

You are the final person I'm writing to today. I've written a lot today, so I think I've run out of words to write. Or maybe I just don't know what to say to you. I'm going to keep this letter very brief. 

Out of all the regrets in my life, you've been my biggest one.

Frankly, I hated you for a long time. Hated that you were not brave or strong enough to stand up against our grandmother. Hated that you never fought for yourself and ruined everything you touched. 

You always ran away at the slightest inconvenience, like a coward, choosing to run instead of facing the world. You ran away, hurting a lot of people and, in turn, hurting yourself. 

But the reason I hated you so much was because I couldn't protect you; I couldn't protect us.

I was so blinded by this self-loathing that I never noticed just how brave you were when you chose to move to another country where you knew no one. The strength it takes to walk away from people you love each time, knowing making yourself the villain is the only way to protect them. But you still did it anyway, without complaining and letting pieces of you get chipped away every time. 

So, I want to apologise even though I’m quite overdue on my apologies. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to protect you from grandmother. And I want you to know that it was never you. It was her. She destroyed everything. She ruined everything. She played a sick game with our mind for years, but I won't let her anymore. I won't let her poison touch you. I'm here to fight for you. 

I want to tell you that it's okay. You were a coward, but it's okay. I should have fought harder for us, but it's okay.

Everyone has their bad days and you just happened to experience quite a few of them. 

Let yourself fall; I'll catch you; I promise, Henry. I won't leave you on your own this time.

You're going to be alright, love. I'll take care of us. I promise.

Love,

Henry

✉️✉️✉️

+1. Dear Henry, 

It's good to hear from you. I don't have much to say, so it will be a short response, I'm afraid. Between us two, you've always been better with words.

After you left, I went through a lot of emotions, but as I said before, I was never mad, and I'm still not mad. I probably should be angry, considering how the love of my life broke my heart and left me with no traces of him. And I couldn't even chase after you since I didn't know where you were. I thought about asking Pez or Bea, but I decided against it. Because for you to up and leave so suddenly, something must have really terrified you. So, after thinking about it, I realised anger would not solve anything.

You're a fool if you think there could ever be someone else for me. Not when you're everywhere. You're there whenever I go out to our favourite spots to eat; you're there whenever I go to the park; you're there whenever I decide what to wear to court; and you're there whenever I lay in bed. You're everywhere. And I'm not even mad about it. 

Do you remember the rope in my chest that kept pulling me towards you? It's still there, keeping me tied to you, and I like being tied to you.

I'm not perfect like you think I am, H, but I'm flattered that you think so. We both have flaws, but we both have a lot of positive attributes. We both have a lot of growing up and learning to do. But it takes time, and we have plenty of time.

You hurt me, and that will never change, but I've forgiven you. I also know that you hurt yourself back then, so I hope you forgive yourself. Your happiness is what matters to me, but I think you won't be able to find it unless you start loving yourself, sweetheart. So, before you love me, I want you to love and be kind to yourself. 

I'm not ready for a relationship yet, and I'm sure you understand this more than anyone. It took a long time for me to accept our breakup and come to terms with the fact that you didn't want me. I know now that you were lying and that you've always loved me. But even so, I'm not mentally ready to jump back in yet. If we jump back in right away, I'm afraid it will be my turn to destroy everything. I'm sorry.

If you are willing to wait, and I hope that you are willing to, because when I'm ready, I want it all. I love you so much, H, because even after everything that's happened, it's hard to contain the feelings I have for you. I meant it when I said you're it for me, baby. 

When we meet again, I want to hear about everything—your family, grandmother, Elliot, Dipen, and Trevor. Your favourite things about me and how much you want to kiss me. I want to hear it all. 

You've always been deserving of my love, H, and that will never change. You're mine, and I'm yours. It's going to be a slow climb to our happy ending, sweetheart, but we will get there. Together, you and I, I promise. Just give me time, okay?

“Soul meets soul on lovers’ lips.”

- Prometheus Unbound, Percy Bysshe Shelley - 

Yours,

Alex

⏱⏱⏱

Alex kisses Henry on a Monday morning. And just like their first kiss a year and five months ago, there are no fireworks, no spark, and no tingling. But, like with their first kiss a year and five months ago, there is warmth, security, a sense of assurance, a sense of belonging, and something Henry recognises very clearly.

A feeling of being home. Because, like Alex had said, Henry would always have a home in Alex. 

They pull away, grinning at each other, both teary-eyed. David is barking. 

"Hi, baby."

"Hello, love." 

"Forever starts now."

✉️✉️✉️

++2. Dear Henry, 

I hope you come across more things to smile about.

I love you. Always. 

“Love starts as a feeling, but to continue is a choice. And I find myself choosing you, more and more every day.” 

- Bending The Universe by Justin Wetch - 

Love,

Henry

fin.