Work Text:
Smokey has to deal with a lot, a lot of gross injurys, he sees what the war is really like.
But on the other side of that, he has to deal with grown men who turn into toddlers, when they have allergies or a cold.
It's ridiculous.
So before Smokey lets anyone who's not burned to shit, has a limb falling off, and or actively bleeding out into his office.
He hands them a binder, and tells them to go through it.
So lets go through it shall we.
Number one Office hours are from the time the base wakes up in the morning, till the time the base goes to sleep at night. Please for the love of god, stop coming into my room crying because you threw up, I will ignore you.
Number two: I can not help with allergies, so I don't care how many times you sneeze in my face, I can not help you.
Number three: Blakely stop making out with sick privates, and then proceeding to make out with everyone and calling it the "Blakely STD" it stopped being funny after the Laryngitis outbreak of 43.
Number four: If you have Laryngitis please don't throw things at people, okay I'm getting tired of treating people with head injurys, there is better ways of communication.
Number five: No I will not kiss your scrapes better, I am not your mother.
Number six: No I will not make you a glass of warm milk, again I am not your mother.
Number seven: Stop assuming your pregnant, it's not possible you are all men.
Number eight: Bucky for the last time you do not feel kicking, it's gas, you have gas.
Number nine: Ham you are not giving birth, you just have kidney stones.
Number ten: Buck please stop climbing into Buckys bed when he is sick, especially when you a few days later come complaining to me that you are sick, it's getting old.
Number eleven: No I will not sing you to sleep.
Number twelve: I'll sing you to sleep, if you look pitiful enough. But don't expect this special treatment all the time.
Number thirteen: stop worshiping your warts, you weirdos, I get the navy men do it. But that's because they don't get oxygen to their brains.
Number fourteen: No I will not spoon feed you your medication.
Number fifteen: No here comes the airplane either.
Number sixteen: DeMarco I'm a doctor, not a veterinarian, stop bringing Meatball.
Number seventeen: I'm not a dentist either, the only thing I will do involving teeth is taking a pair of pliers and ripping a tooth out of your stupid head.
Number eighteen: Douglass it's just a needle, stop fainting you are worse then a dam goat.
Number nineteen: Bubbles is my favorite patient and I'm not explaining why.
Number twenty: Curt and Buck, stop bringing Dickie and Bucky for every little sniffle, they just have bad sinuses.
Number twenty one: You can not just get asthma, you have to be born with it, so please stop scaring the replacements with this not true fact.
Number twenty two: If your chest hurts your most likely not having a heartattack, you either have heartburn or you need to stop smoking six packs a day.
Number twenty three: I'm not looking at your penis no matter how many times you ask, I don't get payed enough for that.
Number twenty four: Helen I'm not a lady doctor, I can not help you with lady related issues. But I do have a heating pad, and some chocolate stashed away, if you need one or both.
Number twenty five: I, for the last time don't have lollipops so stopped asking for them.
Number twenty six: I don't have stickers either, mostly after Ken and Winks complained to me that you guys were putting them on the glass of your B-17s, so stickers have gone bye bye.
Number twenty seven: I will not cuddle you under any circumstances, so stop looking at me like that.
Number twenty eight: I will not put your pills in the Jell-O, be men and swallow with water like the rest of us.
Number twenty nine: No you can't pick your Jell-O flavor, be happy your getting Jell-O at all.
Number thirty: No you can't have your medicine in liquid form, again be men.
Number thirty one: Brady you don't have fleas from Meatball, the bad news is you have bed bugs, so please stay ten feet away from me.
Number thirty two: Babyface you have poison ivy because you keep gallivanting in the woods with Quinn during downtime, go scratch somewhere else.
Number thirty three: I will put mittens like you do with a baby, on people who keeping pealing their skin off to the point they make themselves bleed, don't test me.
Number thirty four: DeMarco you have mouth sores, because you keep letting Meatball lick the inside of your mouth.
Number thirty five: I will not be helping you with your toenail fungus, you are so on your own.