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Shortly after almost dying for what felt like the millionth time in his life, Eddie Diaz did a few notable things.
First, he changed his will. He went to his lawyer the minute he was given a clean bill of health and added that if he was to die, Evan Buckley would be there to take care of his son. He knew, somewhere, that he would have to tell Buck, but he hoped that he would never have to get to that point.
The next thing he did was go to grieve Shannon. He stood by her grave with the wind bristling against his skin for a few hours, just letting the world around him move. And every time someone walked past him, he felt a need to turn to them and explain what he was doing. But there was no good way to explain it. How do you explain to someone you’re mourning your dead ex-wife who you might have never loved?
And the final thing he did that day, was he went to see Christopher. He went to hold his son, hold him like the world around them was collapsing, because knowing their luck, it was. Held him like any minute he could lose the most important person in his life.
Since that abnormally cold day in April of 2020, a lot of things changed in his life. Namely, for the first time since changing his will, it was getting shoved back into his face.
(Realistically, it had already been in his face once before when he had told Buck about it, against his better judgments.
But since then, the two never brought it up.
Nobody from the one-eighteen knew.
Nobody from either of their ‘real’ families knew.
Nobody had to know.
It was an unspoken promise between them.)
And technically, when it gets shoved in his face again, it wasn’t even Buck that did it. It was his parents. Eddie had been spending days on end in the hospital with the members of the one-eighteen, all of them fearful that Bobby wasn’t going to make it out after a complication with his heart. As Eddie wasn’t family, or particularly close to Bobby, he didn’t have a lot of information but he could tell from Athena’s expression that something was going on behind the scenes that wasn’t looking good for him.
Nonetheless, it shook Eddie to his core when Buck appeared at his side and told him his parents were up front asking for him.
“Hi,” he says simply, crossing his arms.
He had lost track of the last time he had gotten a good night’s sleep, between the situation with Kim/Marisol — which he still hadn’t resolved — and everything with Bobby, he didn’t have time to think about himself. He didn’t have time to be selfish.
His father speaks first. “Edmundo, good to see you. We wish it was under better circumstances.”
“Yeah, circumstances aren’t great.” Eddie snaps. “But then again, when has your timing ever been half decent?”
Helena places her hand on her husband’s shoulder and frowns. “Edmundo, we’re just worried about you.”
I’m worried about you.
I’m worried about me, too.
“Why? I’m not the one in intensive care.” he responds. “My heart didn’t stop.”
His parents share an uncomfortable glance and lean forward. “What is this we hear about a lookalike of Shannon?”
“Excuse me?”
“What is this we—”
“I heard what you said.” Eddie cuts him off. “How the fuck do you know about Kim?” For a split second, his mind goes to Buck, but he knows that Buck would never contact Eddie’s parents, much less spill any information about Kim to them.
His mother shakes her head. “Language, Edmundo.”
“I’m a grown man. Now, how the hell do you know about her?”
Ramon frowns. “So you admit that there is a lookalike running around in our grandchild’s life? Confusing him? That you, his father are unfit—”
“I am not unfit.” he tells them and for a moment, he forgets that there are things about his life that his parents don’t know, so when he opens his mouth once more he says, “If you’re here to take Christopher away from me, know that you will not succeed.”
Helena looks at him warmly. “We just want what’s best for him.”
“What’s best for him is what is written in my will.” Eddie says, his voice slowly rising. There were few moments throughout his life where he actually spoke his mind in front of his parents, and to watch Helena and Ramon react to the volume and tone of his voice was something he had never been so elated by.
“What’s written in your will, Edmundo?”
Eddie’s about to reply when he hears, “I am.”
After a moment of confusion, he turns around to see Buck walking towards them with two cups of coffee in his hands and a determined look on his face that Eddie had only seen a few times before.
Buck arrives next to him and hands him one of the cups, gesturing for him to walk away from the commotion for a minute, but Eddie can’t move his feet even if he wanted to.
While he wanted nothing more than to walk away and go back to the station where he belonged, fighting fires alongside Hen, Chimney, Buck and Bobby, he was stuck.
Planted there, watching Buck stare at his parents and his parents be forced to listen.
“It’s written in his will that I’m Christopher’s legal guardian per anything happen to him.” Buck says evenly. “Whether that be untimely death, especially while Chris is still a minor, or a judge in a legal situation sees him as unfit to raise him.” Eddie wants to applaud Buck’s ability to speak to his parents without falling to the floor, but that would require him moving.
Edmuno looks past Buck and screws his eyes onto Eddie. “Are you insane?”
“Not the last time I checked, no.”
His father rolls his eyes and moves his glare to Buck, but Eddie can feel his words pierce his heart. “You really put him into your will over your own family?”
(To be fair, when Eddie had his will changed, his attorney had her doubts, too.
Realistically, Eddie should have thought about what exactly Buck meant to him at that moment, but his mind was too fogged over that he never really got around to think about it in depth.)
Eddie can feel his heart in his throat, and for a moment, he fears that if he swallows too sharply he’s going to digest it, but he forces his vocal chords to rub together.
“Yes, I did.” he says thickly. “Because dammit, Buck actually cares about what is best for Christopher. All I ever hear from you both is how you think you know what is best for him, but I never see either of you actually do anything to prove that. I mean, did you spend all day running around Los Angeles during a tsunami desperate to find him? No.”
“Desperate to find him gives the impression he lost him first.”
“That doesn’t matter.” Eddie responds. “What matters is that he would never stop fighting for my son. And, whether you like it or not, Buck is in my will, and you’ll have to pry it from my cold dead fingers before I let you change it. So if you think that I am unfit to raise Chris, then fine. Hand him over to Buck where I want him to be.”
Eddie can tell that his father is crafting the perfect response when the doors to the intensive care unit slam open and Hen walks out, her eyes searching the room before landing on Buck and Eddie.
“I hate to intrude, but can you boys come back here, please?”
Buck places a gentle hand of support on Eddie’s shoulder, and he nods and turns to his parents. “If you want to take Christopher away from me, then fine. But you are insane if you think for a second that you’re getting him when you do.”
The two of them make their way down the hall, but before they face the rest of the one-eighteen, Buck pauses for a minute and looks at Eddie.
“Are you doing okay?”
“Y…yeah, of course.” Eddie responds.
Buck furrows his eyebrows before he can stop himself and frowns, stopping Eddie in the middle of the hallway. “What were they doing here, anyway?”
For a second, Eddie considers lying to him, but he knows better than to try and get a lie by him, they spent too much time together for that to work. “They found out about Kim. Apparently me getting to know and trauma-dumping to a doppelgänger of my late wife is something that raises concern to parents that want to take their grandchild away from their son.”
“Trauma-dumping?” Buck wonders outloud.
Right, Eddie had never managed to tell Buck about the second time he had Kim had spoken since Buck gave him the friendly advice to talk to her.
“I may or may not have told her about how she looked like Shannon.” he admits quietly. “And she came back to me with her hairstyle… and told me to say what I wanted to say to Shannon to her.”
Buck nods. “What, what did you tell her? I mean, if it was something you wanted to tell Shannon, then it must have been important.”
It’s broken. I’m broken. And I can’t fix that.
“It wasn’t anything you have to be concerned with, Buck.” he responds, quickening his pace.
Distantly, Eddie can hear Buck calling his name, but he forces himself to move through the hospital, desperate for a moment of fresh air.
His own skin was constricting him, and he could feel every hair on his skin stick up like he was the next victim in a horror movie that went downstairs in the middle of a blackout while the audience was yelling at him to go out the front door.
Nothing he passed felt real.
Maybe he was too in his own head for the world around him to make sense, but there were no outstanding thoughts running through his skull.
Everything around him was pushing an unbearable weight on his chest and he would have kept going if he hadn’t collided headfirst with a nurse.
“I’m so sorry, oh my God.” he says, the shakiness in his voice seeping through. “I think I got turned around, do you know where Robert Nash is?”
The nurse blinks at him and shakes her head. “Sir, are you okay? Do you need a minute?”
“No, I’m okay.” he replies immediately.
He has to be okay. There are too many people outside of these walls that need him to be okay. As much as he would like to fall to the floor and break down, he can’t.
The emotion is only helped by the fact that he knows his father is roaming the halls somewhere, and if Eddie knew one thing, he knew that he couldn’t appear weak or afraid in front of his father.
“I just need to get to Robert Nash.”
The nurse points down a hallway and frowns. “When was the last time you got some sleep?”
“I don’t know, it’s been a few days, I’d guess.”
She shakes her head. “Well, after you find out the condition of Robert Nash, I would recommend getting some sleep, helps the mind think clearly.”
Eddie had too many people counting on him, too many things to take care of. He could sleep when he was dead.
When Eddie finally does go home, it’s not because anything good happened with Bobby.
Rather, at some point during the stay at the hospital, Chimney did a coffee run and confirmed that Eddie’s parents are no longer in the waiting room with their arms crossed waiting for him to come back.
So, he felt content enough to go home, even if it was just a quick shower.
Truth be told, as he slunk back inside, he felt less like the homeowner who managed to pay for the place for a few years, and more like he was walking into a crime scene.
The couch was still set up with the blanket he had thrown aside when Kim had walked in, there were still dishes in the sink waiting for him to clean them, and the brownies Buck had brought from Kim were still sitting on the counter, untouched.
Eddie rummages through his drawers, resists the urge to talk to Christopher and makes his way into the bathroom.
Slowly, he plugs his phone in and turns on the water, stepping into the heat of it all and breathes it in.
The music he had put on quietly floats into his ears and he runs his hands up and down his body, feeling the comfort the water brings him.
Everywhere outside of his room was pain.
So when, fifteen minutes later, he finishes washing up, he gets out of the shower and throws on some clothes before running a hand through his hair and leaving the bathroom.
Eddie makes his way back to his room and throws his dirty clothes away before turning to Christopher’s door.
He was going to have to talk to him, eventually.
So, he steps forward and knocks, and waits.
And waits.
And waits.
Until he hears a “Dad?” come from inside.
Eddie takes a deep breath and walks head first into the room, walking to join his son on his bed.
“Hey bud.” he says. “How are you doing?”
Chris turns to him and frowns. “I’m doing good, dad.”
“You know, we can talk about it. We don’t have to pretend like it didn’t happen.” Eddie tells him. “I mean I know the whole situation wasn’t ideal.”
It takes a minute for Chris to say anything and for a second, Eddie fears his worst fear has come true.
“When… when did you meet her?”
“A few weeks ago.”
“Why did she look like mom?”
“Her actual appearance I couldn’t tell you, bud. The hairstyle and everything, she did that for me, in a way.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t know how to tell you.”
Chris pauses, then, and Eddie watches as his son thinks before speaking again. “Did they go to the hospital?”
“Who, kid?”
“Abuela and abuelo,” he says. “They said they were going to when they called earlier.”
Eddie frowns. “They called?”
“Yeah, I told them you were at the hospital.” Chris recounts. “They said you haven’t been answering their calls.”
“Chris, did you tell them about her?”
Chris thinks. “I mentioned that I haven’t seen you since I walked in on you talking to a woman that looked like mom. They hung up after that.”
“Yeah, I’ll bet they did.”
“Am I in trouble?”
“No, of course not, kid.”
Eddie wraps his arms around his son then, and hugs him tight.
Suddenly them mentioning Kim with such a negative light made sense. They didn’t think he was fit to be there for Chris, because he wasn’t.
He got slightly bad news and ran.
Even before he heard about Bobby’s condition, he had pushed past Kim, Marisol and even his son, running to Buck’s when he had gotten the call.
He was bolting, whenever he was doing anything.
He disconnects from the hug and looks at Chris for a minute. He can feel his son looking up to him for answers.
Hell, Eddie had already tried to give him the answers when he asked him a few minutes before. But now, he didn’t know, nothing made sense to him.
“Chris… pack a bag, okay?”
His son, bless his heart, jumps up immediately and walks to his dresser, putting some clothes in a bag. “Why? Where are we going?”
Eddie frowns. “I’m going to go somewhere and I need you to be safe.”
“I’m safe with you, dad.” Chris says, pausing.
“I don’t know if you are, kid.”
Chris shakes his head. “Where are you going?”
“Somewhere I swore I wouldn’t go.” Eddie says evenly. “First, though, I’m going to take care of you, okay?”
Chris nods. “Alright, I trust you, dad.”
Through the brain fog, Eddie gathers Chris into his car, packed with a pillow and a bag full of clothes for however long Eddie ends up being gone.
As he drove forward, he prayed that maybe he would realize his decision was crazy and decide to do something different.
However, he made it to the firehouse and got out of the car, leading Chris into the building. He was comfortable enough that as they approached, he just ran inside and made himself at home.
He was comfortable and Eddie felt at peace.
So, he walked forward and found Ravi standing by a few of the fire trucks, wiping them down.
“Ravi.” Eddie says quietly, not wanting to call attention to him being there.
He turns his head to him and smiles wide. “Oh hey Eddie! Has anything changed with Bobby?”
“No, not that I know of.” Eddie responds. “I just, I need a favor.”
Ravi nods. “Alright.”
“When you see Buck, give this to him, okay?” he tells him, handing him a piece of paper. “And if you don’t see him soon, try and find him, please.”
“Eddie, are you okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. I just need to get some stuff sorted out.” he says. “And I need to make sure Chris is safe.”
Before Ravi can say anything else, Eddie is gone.
05/28/2024
I meant what I said the other day. I’m worried about me too, Buck. I don’t know how much I can tell you here, mostly because I don’t know a lot myself. I need you to know that I’m going to be okay, and if Chris ever asks about me, tell him the same thing. I’m not abandoning you him, I’m going to come home eventually. And no, you don’t have to be concerned or start racing around the country trying to find me. I’m going to be okay. For now, I know he’s safe with you, safer than he ever was with me.
CALIFORNIA, UNITED STATES
The first thing Eddie does after leaving the firehouse is he drives, he pushes his foot on the pedal and goes.
Distantly, he knows he’s breaking a multitude of laws.
But at that moment, the only thing he wanted to do was go. He wanted to move in a direction and never stop.
Eventually, as all things in his life, he stops.
His vehicle comes to a slow stop and he’s greeted with the ocean in front of him.
It had been so long since he had been there, and the last time he had been, it was the middle of its busy season.
Realistically, since it was May, it should have been the prime time for the beach to be packed with people, but in his haze, Eddie had driven to a secluded part.
The only person nearby was someone sitting in the car, a teenager maybe, who seemed like they were hiding out.
So, before he can think about his actions for a second too long, he gets out of his car and walks.
For a moment, he just lets the water hit his jeans, soaking right through the fabric, causing them to grip onto his legs like they were begging to stay alive.
Another moment goes by and he walks forward, feeling the water travel up his waist and hit his chest.
His heart is beating, he can feel it. It’s evenly pounding against his rib cage, and he can feel panic setting into his system.
But Eddie Diaz doesn’t panic.
So he moves forward until his entire body is underwater.
The waves are brushing against him and he closes his mouth and plugs his nose, effectively stopping airflow.
The only thing entering his body now is water.
The sweet relief of water is hitting him everywhere it can and Eddie, for a moment, can breathe.
Other than the fact that he can feel his heart slowing and his head throb, he has no complaints, not really.
You act like you’re expendable, but you’re wrong.
Hell yeah, you can have my back any day.
You’re a survivor, Eddie. And that’s nothing to be ashamed of. You lived and that means something.
The world around him is fuzzy.
Everything is blurry, and for a moment, he wonders what it would be like if he allowed himself to sink to the bottom of the ocean, the elements eating him alive.
Would he make it to the bottom or would the world eat him from the inside out first?
What are you scared of, Eddie?
My son almost died in this ocean.
I’m really glad you’re my kid.
You have a kid? I love kids!
Eddie’s mouth flies open as he pushes himself up.
The sky above him has gotten darker, he notices, as he slinks onto land.
He glances around nervously, coughing out water that had been constricting his lungs. Nobody was there.
He was lying alone on a beach, alive and lonely.
He should be floating underwater, dead and alone.
So, he pushes himself up, and makes his way back to the car, pressing the gas once more.
If he was running, sue him.
If he was terrified of the weird feeling in his chest relating to his best friend, then that was in his imagination.
If he felt sick to his stomach, then that was his business.
06/01/2024
I’m not going to send this, obviously. This just feels like something Frank would tell me to do, so I’m going to address some letters to you whenever I feel like I need to get something off my chest.
Not being at the one-eighteen has been hard.
But I’ve been bouncing from shitty motel to shitty motel for a few days. I’m not really sure where I’m going. I just know that I’m going somewhere. I’m not running, either. I’m just going.
I think I’m in Colorado.
It’s pretty here, I think I might have to take you and Chris here someday. I can already picture how you’d pose in front of some of the landmarks.
I hope Bobby has been doing better, too.
I’ve gotten a few texts from Hen about him and in general, but I’ve noticed I haven’t heard from you.
I mean, I know I dumped a teenager on you when the man who is practically your father was in intensive care, but good timing has never been the Diaz’s family’s strong suit.
I hope one day I come home and we can talk.
I also hope that this whole thing doesn’t change us. I need to know you’re still there for me, Buck.
COLORADO, UNITED STATES
Eddie hated bars.
So, naturally, when he leaves his motel June first, he ends up at the nearest park and sits down, people-watching. His eyes land on a couple, who are coming near him on the bench.
One of them has blonde curly hair — if he sees Buck in their appearance then that’s his business and something he should definitely bring up in therapy when he goes home — striking green eyes and a pride flag wrapped around their shoulders. The other person, presumably their partner, has dark brown hair with light brown eyes with their own pride flags painted on their cheeks and is smiling fondly at them, the two are engulfed in a conversation, like nobody else exists in the world.
Until Eddie does.
Because the blonde person stops in front of him and smiles. “Hey! Would you be okay taking some pictures for us?”
“Yeah, of course!” he says. “I’m Eddie.”
The brunette one extends their hands. “Hi, Eddie! My name is Tess, this is my partner Wally.”
“Nice to meet you both. I love your outfits!”
Tess smiles. “Aren’t you a sweetheart!”
Wally playfully shoves Tess as the two walk under a tree, the two of them covered by the shade.
Eddie snaps a few photos of the pair with Wally’s phone and smiles. “So tell me your story.”
Tess turns to Wally, smiling. “Well, I met them in high school, eons ago. They didn’t notice me immediately, but of course they didn’t. They never do. Eventually, we ended up working together in publishing and we reconnected.”
Every time Tess looks at Wally or Wally looks at Tess, Eddie snaps a new photo.
“That’s so sweet!” Eddie replies. Snap. “Wally, how did you not notice Tess before? She…” he waits a moment, waiting for Tess to give some kind of indication that he was addressing her correctly, so when she nods subtly, he proceeds. “Is so cute!”
Tess shakes her head. “Oh god, don’t get them on this rampage, Eddie. Please. I really can’t handl—”
“The universe screamed.”
“The universe doesn’t scream” Eddie had said once.
Tess turns her head to Wally, her eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean the universe screamed?”
Her partner frowns. “I met someone named Jess, I think, at some college party. I ended up talking about you the entire time, even while other people flirted with me and she helped me realize you were the one I was supposed to be with.”
Eddie smiles at the pair. “So if you hadn’t met Jess, do you still think you would’ve ended up with her?”
“I think so, yes.” Wally replies easily. “I love her.”
Snap.
“That’s really sweet! How long have you guys been together?” Eddie asks them, snapping a few more photos.
“Four years.”
“And three months!”
“You know the months?”
“You don’t?”
Eddie shakes his head. “If it helps, I could never tell you how many months I was with my ex-wife,” Wally and Tess pause, staring at him, confusion laced in each of their expressions. “What?”
“Ex-wife?” Wally questions.
“Wally.” Tess says, slightly hitting them on the shoulder.
“What? I’m just surprised.”
“Surprised?”
Tess steps in front of them and frowns. “Don’t mind them! They just thought you were with the man in that picture.” she says, pointing to his phone.
Oh.
A few months ago, Buck had insisted on putting a picture of the one-eighteen inside of his see-through phone case. The picture, true to Buck’s nature, was one that he had taken that had him front and center.
He was smiling warmly, and even now, miles away from the real man, Eddie could feel the comfort his smile radiated.
“Oh, no, no, no.” he says, trying to keep his voice straight. “That’s just my best friend, Buck.”
Tess furrows her eyebrows. “Well, on that awkward note, thank you for the help, Eddie!” she says, taking her phone from his hand. “Wally, I’m going to go drive the car over, okay?”
Her partner nods. “Sorry about that, dude.”
“It’s fine. I mean, my wife is dead and divorced me and I’ve had no luck with any relationships since my wife.”
“Interesting.” they say. “Good luck.”
Eddie watches as Wally and Tess walk away, smiling at how comfortable the two of them felt.
He stays there for a little longer before he lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding and stands up, heading back to the motel for one night more.
On the walk, he considers texting Buck, but as he had been experiencing radio silence since he left, he figures it would be wise to just let Buck live without the burden of dealing with him and whatever would spew out of his mouth if the two talked.
TEXAS, UNITED STATES
As Eddie entered Texas on June seventh, he was taken aback by his phone buzzing under his thigh.
He hadn’t heard from anyone since going on his little journey other than the occasional text from Hen, so to hear that someone was calling him brought him to a state of confusion he hadn’t reached in a while.
He was even more confused when the name Maddie was going across the screen, her contact photo a picture of her, him and Buck the trio had taken in a photo booth over the previous summer.
Regardless of his shock, he answers the phone, waiting for the elder Buckley sibling to yell at him.
(Why? He’s not entirely sure, it just feels like the circumstances he deserved.)
“Eddie! Hi!” she says warmly. “How are you doing?”
He smiles at the sound of her voice. “Hey, Maddie. I’m doing pretty good… um…”
Maddie sucks in a breath. “Have you heard from my brother?”
“Not since leaving, no.”
He wanted nothing more than to hear from Buck, but that was just not in the cards for him, not yet.
“Might I ask why that is?”
“If you want to, yes.”
She sighs. “Don’t be difficult, Eddie.”
“I’m not being difficult!”
“Yeah, sure you aren’t.” Maddie replies, and Eddie can almost see her rubbing her temple. “And I’m not a 911 dispatcher.”
“Maddie…” he says, his voice straining. “I don’t know why I haven’t spoken to him. I just haven’t.”
“Eddie, he’s your best friend. Do you honestly think whatever you’re doing is more important than being a good friend?”
Considering I tried to kill myself and feel like I’m not suitable to be around my own son, yes. Yes, I do.
“You did something like this.” Eddie recounts.
A pause, and Maddie sighs. “Yes, I did.”
“And, I didn’t give you a hard time for not talking to Chimney.”
“I didn’t talk to Chimney because I needed to fix myself without him. What’s your excuse?”
Every emotion bubbles to the surface and Eddie feels his heart in his chest — not because he’s scared, just because he’s tired of this conversation. “And I tried to kill myself.” he snaps without thinking.
Eddie can practically hear Maddie suck in a breath, her voice shaking. “So did I. I guess I didn’t tell you. But, are you okay, Eddie? Are you safe?”
“Okay? I have no idea. I’m safe, though.”
“Did you tell Buck?”
“No, I haven’t. I haven’t spoken to him.”
Maddie takes a second. “This was recent?”
“Yes. This was a few weeks ago.”
“Where are you, Eddie?”
“I was in Colorado for a few days and I just drove into Texas,” he says. “I’ve just been going on a little accidental roadtrip.”
“Chris didn’t mention you packed that many bags.”
“Chris?”
Maddie pauses. “Yes? Your son?”
“You’ve spoken to Chris?”
“Yes?” she says. “That’s kind of what happens when you put my brother in your will, and when you drop him off at the firehouse for Buck to look after.”
“He’s okay?”
“Of course he is, Eddie.” You left him with Buck. He would never let anything happen to your son.” she pauses. “Listen, I’m sorry, but I have to get to work, but just… consider texting me. Or Buck.”
“We’ll see.”
Maddie says her goodbyes, and Eddie pushes forward. Before leaving the gas station he had been parked in, he pulls out his phone once more and texts Chimney.
Do you know if my parents left?
I think they left shortly after you.
Back to Texas, I imagine?
I would imagine. Buck was pretty adamant that they didn’t take Chris, so after they realized they were not winning that battle, I think they headed out.
06/07/2024
And I’m back. Not back back, but I’m back to writing these letters.
It’s been a minute since I’ve done this, and if you could see the situation I’m in right now, I think you’d laugh.
You’d laugh the laugh I’ve come to love.
While yes, I am in the state of Texas and yes, my parents are home, which I’ve confirmed with your brother-in-law. However, instead of seeing them, I’m sitting outside of a church.
Like a coward.
It’s a Friday night, nobody is going to church.
I also know you aren’t religious, but I was taught that if I was unsure of anything there was one place I could turn without being turned away. People keep walking out of the building, giving me a side eye.
Like I’m some fraud.
Which is fair.
I mean, I’m a thirty-two year-old man, scared to walk into a church building.
So instead of doing that, I’m writing to you. This is the third letter, and all three of them will sit in my backpack, shoved into a pocket where they will lay vacant there for the rest of my life.
Okay another woman just stared at me like I murdered her child so I guess I’m going to have to go in.
If anything happens and you never hear from me, check the front pocket of my backpack and read this. You’ll know where I died and what I did to deserve the eternal hell I will inevitably face.
Eddie shoves the letter in his back pocket and stands up, walking into the church.
The air conditioning hits him like a truck, and he breathes it in, knowing that soon his throat is going to constrict.
The same way it always did when he was younger.
Instead of lingering, he walks forward and finds the enclosure for confession.
His hands are shaky, but he slides open the door and walks in, side eyeing the man on the other side of the partition.
“Sir,” he says shortly.
The priest nods. “Are you new here?”
“Yes, technically.”
“And you would like to confess?”
Eddie pauses. “Yes.”
The priest pauses for a moment. “Are you comfortable?”
“Are you going to stop asking me vague questions?”
“I can, if you give me a straight-forward reply.”
Eddie sucks in a breath. “I said that I’d like to confess. I’m sorry I’m not super into this or very familiar with it, but I have some things I want to talk about. And… this is where I was taught you go when you have something to talk about.”
“Alright.” he replies. “Well it’s nice to meet you.”
Eddie relaxes. “It’s nice to meet you, too.”
“Are you comfortable in here, though? We can go sit in one of the pews if you would be happier.”
“Isn’t that unethical?”
“What would make it unethical?”
“I mean…” he says shortly. “aren’t you not supposed to know who I am? Hence the partition?”
The man takes a minute. “Usually, yes. But I’m a little hot, the Texan summers are rough and for some reason they don’t have AC in here.”
“A little ironic since you’re supposed to relax and feel comfortable talking to whoever you are.”
“So, would you like to leave and sit in a pew?”
“Absolutely.” Eddie says immediately, sliding the door open.
He exits, and is greeted by a man who seems to be around Bobby’s age, which gives Eddie an ache in his chest. He really should check on his captain (ex captain? He honestly wasn’t sure of the protocol).
He’s smiling warmly at Eddie, extending a hand. “Hi.” he says easily. “For legal reasons, I can’t give you my actual name, but you can call me Stephen. It’s nice to meet you.”
Eddie takes his hand and nods. “Hi, Stephen. My name is Eddie. I can tell you that, right?”
Stephen nods. “Yes, you can. Now, come on!”
He follows as Stephen walks off, sitting down in the middle of a long pew. Somewhere down the line, there’s a woman with whom Eddie assumes is her husband, praying.
Stephen turns to him.
Eddie stares through him.
Stephen moves his head.
Eddie moves in the opposite direction.
“If you aren’t comfortable doing this…”
“No, I am.” he insists. “I’m comfortable.”
“Alright.” Stephen says. “Whenever you’re ready, you can start… confessing.”
Eddie breathes in.
Breathes out.
He stares at Stephen, focusing on his features. He stares into his eyes, deep into the middle.
For a minute, he sees Buck in his eyes.
The friendly curve of his smile. Encouraging him.
The same smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He’s tired, exhausted, even. But he’s open.
Ready to help.
He stares deeper.
Stephen, bless his heart, doesn’t say anything and just lets Eddie gaze at him before he lets out a breath.
“I met this woman, who looked exactly like my late wife. And I felt safe with her. Safer than I’ve felt with a lot of people in my life. And my parents ended up finding out about her. Said I’m not fit to raise my son because he walked in on us hugging. I ran. I left him with my best friend and I ran.”
“This woman.” Stephen says immediately. “What about her makes you feel safe? It can’t just be that she looks like your late wife, right?”
Eddie pauses.
So, what do you want? Buck had said to him.
What did he want?
What did he ever want from a partner?
He imagined most people in romantic relationships wanted comfort, someone to have their back.
Someone there.
But he was never there.
When he was with Shannon, he was always running from something. He was running to the army, he was running back to the army, he was running to LA.
He was always running until it was too late. All of his running caught up to him.
He wasn’t sure what about Kim made him feel safe.
He just knew there was a warmth in his chest whenever he facetimed her. He knew there was a magnetic pull, lulling him to talk to her. He knew that when he couldn’t talk to her, it hurt.
He knew—
Oh.
“I don’t know.”
Stephen frowns. “Have you talked to your friend? I mean, if you left your child with them, they must mean enough that you feel comfortable doing that before leaving.”
“Yeah, he’s my best friend. He has my back, I have his.”
Stephen thinks. “So, what do you want to confess? I mean, saying the backstory of your late wife’s lookalike is interesting and everything, but I feel like that’s a query for a therapist.”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Eddie says quietly.
If he remembered anything from his numerous experiences going to church, the echo was unbearable. And he didn’t need anyone else in this church in the middle-of-nowhere Texas to know how broken he felt.
“Because you felt comfortable with a lookalike of your late wife?” Stephen wonders.
Eddie shakes his head. “Because I don’t think I ever loved her, not the way I was supposed to.”
“And how were you supposed to love her?”
“I mean, we were young,” he says. “she got pregnant. We felt like we had to get married, do the whole thing.”
“So you loved her as a child.”
It feels like a question, but he phrases it like a fact. Like Eddie wasn’t in the position to deny it.
“I guess so. Is that different from loving her as an adult?”
“Who have you loved as an adult?”
Eddie pauses. “My son, my team, Buck.”
“How does that feel?”
“It feels easy. Like I was put on this earth to be there for them. I was put on this earth for my son. I was put on this earth to have Buck’s side.”
Stephen nods. “Buck.”
“Yes. He’s the one with my son.”
“The friend.”
“The friend.” The word feels wrong on his tongue, but he can’t place what the problem with it is.
Stephen contemplates. “Eddie, I might not be a therapist, or a licensed professional in anything, but if you consistently find Buck at the root of your solutions, could you possibly also find him at the root of some of your problems?”
“Are you saying Buck is the problem?”
“No. You clearly care for him. And he clearly cares for you. What I am saying that you might have some unresolved feelings for him which is causing a war inside of you. That, unfortunately, is something you can’t solve with God.”
“How do I solve it then?”
“With him, if anyone.” Stephen says. “If you don’t go to him… then you might be on your own, kid.”
Where are you nowadays?
hi to you too, edmundo
Just answer the question please. The woman who owns the bookstore is eyeing me like I did something to her in a past life.
the bookstore?? who knew you could read
Considering I taught you how to read…
irrelevant. i’m in ohio, though
Give me the address.
eddie are you okay?? is chris okay??
Please give me the address, Soph.
When his sister does, he jumps into his car once more, praying that this is the last time he heads to an unknown state.
OHIO, UNITED STATES
Since moving to California, one thing Eddie really regretted was leaving his sisters behind.
While he would send them both Christmas cards to the last address he had and prayed it was still up to date, he missed the closeness he had with them when they were growing up.
He had spent a good portion of his childhood raising them, preparing them for the world ahead of them.
So, as he drove into Ohio’s anti-climactic territory and approached the address Sophia gave him, he smiled. Since leaving Texas, he thought about a few different paths to go down, but the one that made the most sense to him was to see her.
She was who he went to when things didn’t make sense and all he needed was a shoulder to cry on and a hug that made him feel like the world around him wasn’t important. Like they were in their little world and nothing and no one could hurt them.
He parks his car lazily in front of a small house, secluded from the rest of the area and runs to the front door, pounding on it until an all too familiar face comes out.
When they were growing up, people always confused Sophia and Eddie for twins, which didn’t work since he was older, but neither of them commented on it.
Her black hair is slicked back in a high ponytail and her eyes are staring at him with determination, but her face melts the minute he holds his arms out.
“It’s been too long!” she says, wrapping her arms around him. He mumbles something, lifts her and spins her around. “Okay woah woah woah!”
He sets her down and smiles. “I’m resisting the urge to make a Twilight joke.” he comments.
Sophia pauses. “Twilight? You taught you…”
“It was Buck.” he admits, gesturing toward the door.
“Good to know someone is educating you on classic literature and the gold standard for film making.” Sophia turns on her heels and leads Eddie into her house, making comments about design throughout. “So what are you doing in this timezone?”
He frowns. “Already?”
“I’m your sister. It’s my job to grill you.”
She leads him to her living room and the pair get situated on the couch, her eyes stuck on him.
“Do you want to ask me questions or…?”
“Sure, I’d love to!” she says, clapping. “Where’s Buck? And in the same vein, where Chris? I know you three travel like a family.”
Travel like a family.
Eddie is met with the image of starting and growing a family with Buck and he feels a warmth inside of him that he had never felt in his life.
Oh God.
“They’re in California.” he responds, trying to keep his voice as straight as possible. He can feel tears threatening to pour. “I’m solo.”
Sophia pauses. “Eddie, are you okay?” He locks watery eyes with her. “Oh, my God, Eddie.” she says, hugging him from the side. “What’s going on?”
“I think there might be something wrong with me.”
She shakes her head. “With you? With Edmundo Diaz? With my favorite brother? Are you crazy?”
He frowns. “I’m not kidding, Soph.”
“I know you aren’t.” she tells him. “Neither am I.”
“I just don’t know what to do.”
His sister wipes underneath his eyes, taking his tears off of his skin. “What’s going on? What…”
“I went to church.” he says, quieting her. “I did confession and everything. I think…” he pauses, refusing to let the words come out of his mouth. Them coming out would make them real. “I think I might have been falling for Buck for years.”
Sophia stops.
He stops.
The world stops.
Every sound is gone, and Eddie is almost convinced to grab a pin just to hear it drop.
“Romantically?”
“Romantically.” he repeats. “I think.”
“You think?”
He stands up, facing her. “Just tell me I’m wrong! Tell me I’m crazy. Send me somewhere to fix me. Show me so many naked women that I’ll never think about laying in bed with Buck early in the morning ever again. Do whatever you have to. I can’t live with this pain.”
“Wh—”
“I can’t fall asleep in a shitty motel again, dreaming of him. I can’t stare at this damn photo of him and wish he was laying with me. I can’t stare at his little birthmark every day wishing I could kiss it.”
“Ed—”
“I can’t see him cry, wishing I could hug him and tell him the world is ready for him. Ready to love him. That I’m ready to love him. Because I’m not. I’m not ready to love him the way he needs to be loved.”
“Eddie.” Sophia says louder. He pauses, not realizing how loud he had gotten or how worked up he was. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Say I’m a freak.”
“You’re not a freak.”
“Say I’m an abomination!”
“God, that’s a big word.”
He rolls his eyes. “Soph.”
She shakes her head, rising to her feet. “You’re not a freak. You’re not broken. You’re perfect. You’re my brother, Eddie. You’ve always been by my side. You’ve always been everything for everyone else, when is it your turn to be everything for yourself?”
“I don’t know what to do. I can’t face him.”
“It’ll take you a few days to get back. That should give you plenty of time to think of the perfect thing to say.”
Eddie looks at her. “Can I say it to you first?”
“That you love me? Yeah, I got that.”
“No.” he responds immediately. “The other thing.”
Sophia blinks, nods.
Eddie sucks in a breath.
Exhales.
Inhale—
Exhale.
“I’m gay.”
Sophia lunges forward, hugging her brother, not wanting to let go until she stops air from filling his lungs.
“I love you so much.” she says, her words muffled by both his shoulder and her unfallen tears. “And if anyone on the one-eighteen has any problems, send them my way.”
Eddie frowns. “You can’t take them.”
“Watch me.” Sophia responds. “They make my brother feel like shit? They get to meet my little friends.”
He nods. “I’m just scared, Soph.”
“I know you are.” she tells him. “And do you want to know how I know?” he nods weakly. “Because you, Edmundo Diaz, just admitted to it. You’ve never said that you were scared, ever.”
“Yeah, I’m trying to get better at that. Frank helps.”
“Your side piece?”
“My therapist.” he says, laughing.
“You have a therapist?” Sophia questions. “Who do I have to thank for that?”
“That would be Bobby and Buck.”
Sophia smiles. “I’ll thank Buck at the wedding.”
“Okay woah.”
“Stop stalling, okay? Go on your little drive of self discovery or whatever this has been, and go home.”
“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” Eddie hugs his sister once more and turns away, making his way to the door. “Maybe the next time I come, I’ll bring Buck and Chris.”
It’s a promise.
The next time he comes he’s going to be on better terms with both of them and the three of them are going to go on a road trip, even if it is to Ohio.
06/18/2024
I don’t recommend driving from Ohio to California.
It’s not for the weak. Even with stopping at motels, hotels, gas stations etc it’s been hell. But it’s okay. I’m sitting on a bench right now, just outside of Los Angeles. If you think I’m scared to cross into Los Angeles, you’re probably right.
God I go on one road trip and I’m admitting to being scared. Frank is going to have a field day with this.
I also have been lying awake at night wondering what’s changed since I’ve been gone.
I know that Hen mentioned some stuff with Mara wasn’t going well, but she texted me some pictures recently? They seem to have sorted that out! That’s good. Her and Karen deserve that.
Hell, I don’t even know how Bobby’s doing. I considered texting someone from the team and asking, but that felt like a conversation you have in person. I haven’t had the heart to bother you guys with that. I also could have just googled him, I guess. It’s been over a month, if he died and had a funeral his obituary would be public. Hm.
I also don’t know what’s going on with you. The last thing I heard, you had gone on a few dates with Tommy. I hope that’s going well for you, Buck. And if it’s not then good riddance I want to kiss you I’m sorry. You seemed to really like him from what I saw.
I should be home tomorrow or late tonight. Thank you for everything, Buck.
I still haven’t heard from you, so hopefully you haven’t learned how terrible of a human being I am and have decided to ditch my son and run away from me. See you soon, Buck.
CALIFORNIA, UNITED STATES
The first thing Eddie does when he gets back to Los Angeles is he heads to the fire station.
It’s the time that his shift would start, so he smiles when he spots Chimney standing by the lockers, mid conversation with—
Buck.
He walks over slowly and Chimney stops talking as the two of them lock eyes. Eddie can hear a vague excuse for leaving, and he can practically imagine the face that Buck is making, confused yet intrigued. His eyebrows are probably furrowed tilted upwards, watching his brother-in-law walk away.
“Do you get deja-vu?” Eddie questions.
In one fluid motion, Buck turns around and Eddie’s heart almost stops.
He’s beautiful, and he doesn’t look mad. Rather, he looks like he just saw a ghost.
Buck smiles, and for the first time since his sisters wedding, it actually reaches his eyes.
“Eddie.” he says, and Eddie feels his knees go weak. He walks forward to him, and he watches as Buck mirrors his movements.
Inevitably, they’re close and Eddie could do so much.
He could do so many things with Buck, if he had his way. But he doesn’t want to have his way.
So he just wraps his arms around Buck, and feels as Buck does the same thing, hugging him tightly.
The two weren’t very huggy people with each other, but Eddie could admit that whenever they did hug, he felt safe in Buck’s arms.
Safer than he felt with anyone. Eventually, they disconnect from the hug and lock eyes.
“You’re back.”
“I’m back,” he says. “and you’re alive.”
“Of course I’m alive.”
Eddie smiles. “I’m just surprised that without me here to have your back that you’re still okay.”
Buck rolls his eyes. “Okay, be quiet.”
“So how have you been?” Eddie questions. “How…”
“I’ve been fine.” Buck responds. “As fine as I can be when my best friend just leaves without a word and scares the shit out of probie.”
“Ravi isn’t a probie, anymore, Buck.”
Buck wraps his arm around Eddie. “Okay, come on, I’m assuming you want to see everyone else.”
“Is… is Bobby okay?”
“All will be revealed.”
Eddie sighs and goes with Buck as he leads him up the stairs, making comments on some calls they’ve had recently — all while easily mentioning how he would spend his days off spoiling Christopher.
At every mention of his son, Eddie felt his heart beat against his rib cage. Knowing someone like Buck was already insane enough, but loving him was an entirely different thing.
He never really had any friends growing up, most of the people he did hang out with were either Shannon’s friends or friends of his sisters. He had been living for close to ten years with the understanding that Buck was his best friend. That Buck was the first person he ever would comfortably classify as his friend. He never imagined that he would also be the first person Eddie ever really loved. But even here, silently walking around the fire station, loving Buck was like breathing.
He would watch his little movements, the way his hand moved up the railing, the way he leaned against the chairs, the way he would talk with his hands when he got excited to tell him about something, and he would fall harder.
Every little thing Buck ever did that Eddie didn’t pay much notice to was now something he found himself hungry for.
He wanted Buck to do the smallest thing that nobody else would notice.
He wanted Buck to spew a random fact (“Have you heard of the sea pig? Apparently if you bring it up to the surface it will disintegrate!”) because every little thing about Buck made Eddie melt.
He was in love with his best friend, and he knew that he had never been in love before because he had never felt like this before.
He never felt like half of his heart was off with someone else when he was dating anyone else.
He never felt like someone was holding his hand, even if Buck was just standing with him.
Eventually, Buck stops and moves to the side to reveal Bobby standing in the kitchen, in the midst of seemingly reaching Hen how to cook.
Which made sense.
He had somehow taught Buck, it would only make sense he taught someone else.
“Did you burn it again?” Buck questions, walking away from Eddie. “Hen, what did this chicken ever do to you!”
“Buck, you can’t burn chicken.” Hen quips.
“Yes you can!” Buck responds. “And anyway, that’s not important! What is important…” he says, walking to Eddie, who had been fidgeting with his thumbs.
“Eddie!” Hen says, dropping her utensils and running to hug him. “Welcome back. How are you doing?”
“I’m doing well, Hen.” he says into her shoulder. “It’s good to be back, sorry I was out for so long.”
They disconnect and Bobby smiles at him. “Hi, kid.”
“Hey, Bobby.” Eddie responds. “How are you doing?”
“Oh, please. A little fire isn’t enough to take me down. It’s good to have you back.”
“It’s good to be back. But, I thought the doctors said your heart stopped? That sounds like enough to take down the average person.” Eddie questions, pulling a chair out and sitting down.
Buck runs his hands on Eddie’s shoulders, sitting next to him. “The average person, sure. But not Bobby!” he says, clapping dramatically. Eddie doesn’t really see a reason to clap, but he accepted ages ago to just let Buck be Buck.
“But not Bobby, interim captain.”
“Hey, I told you the title or whatever you want to call it isn’t needed.” Buck responds.
Eddie turns to him, his eyes wide. “Interim captain?”
“Yep!” Chimney fills in from the couch. “For some reason, nobody wanted Captain Han back, so Bobby enlisted Buck here to be captain.”
“Does that mean you plan on leaving?”
Bobby frowns. “Soon, yes,” he says. “I was going to just retire but that didn’t feel fair.”
“What are you going to do then?”
“I’m just going to be one of you. I’ll still work here, I’m just stepping down as captain.”
Buck smiles. “Well, as interim captain, I think it would be wise for me and Eddie to get going,” he says, standing.
Eddie mirrors his movements, standing so that the two men are shoulder to shoulder. “Where’re we going?”
“I imagine you want to unpack and see Chris.” Buck supplies, walking down the stairs. “Plus, I figure you don’t want to spend your first day back working. So we better hurry before the alarm goes off!”
Eddie follows and smiles. A good portion of him had forgotten how comforting it was to be with someone who knew him so well.
The trip back to Buck’s loft was quicker than Eddie had remembered from the various times the two of them carpooled.
Eddie follows Buck inside, marveling at how warm the loft still felt. There were some things that Chris had made scattered throughout the walls as well as a neatly made bed situated in the corner by his television. The loft itself smells of steak and eggs, and Eddie can only imagine that Chris had had some earlier in the day.
At a quick glance, he realizes quickly that Chris isn’t there which gives him a moment of anxiety but he knows Buck well enough to know that nothing was wrong.
“So do you want to talk about it?”
Eddie frowns. “Talk about what?”
“About where you went.” Buck clarifies. “And why you left in the first place. Your letter wasn’t much to go off of.”
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
“My parents were here.” he says shortly.
Buck cocks his head to the side. “In my loft?”
“No.” Eddie says softly. “I mean, you saw them. At the hospital.” Buck nods, and he can see the gears turning. “And I told you what they said. Everything they said was true. I mean, me having a relationship with a doppelgänger of my late wife is weird. I was so broken from losing Shannon that the minute I found Kim I felt safe.”
“Safe.”
“But I didn’t feel safe enough to tell my own son. I’m not fit to be a good father. So I left.”
Buck nods. “And you… discovered what?”
“A lot.” he admits. “I realized why my relationships with women always failed, I realized I was in love with you, I realized I am a good father not because I’m perfect but because I never stop trying for him. Which, yes I technically already knew, but learning it on this trip under the circumstances I learn—” Eddie pauses, staring at Buck’s expression.
His face is as white as a ghost and he’s staring at him, mouth slightly open. It was shock mixed with anticipation.
“What?”
“Say the second thing again.”
“Buck, I don’t re—”
“You said you realized why your relationships with women always fail.” Buck says.
“Yes, I remember that part.”
“And you said that you realize you’re a good father. Which I could’ve told you years ago, but I digress.”
Eddie nods dumbly. “Yes?”
“What did you say between those two things?”
“Well you clearly remember.”
Buck stares at the ceiling for a minute before locking eyes with Eddie. “You said… you realized you loved me.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes you did.” Buck says. “Trust me, I’ve been waiting for you to say that for years, I heard you correctly. You said you realized you loved me.”
“No, I really did—”
I’ve been waiting for you to say that for years.
“You’ve been waiting for me to what.”
“I’ve been waiting for you to say that for years.”
Eddie frowns. “Evan, don’t.”
Buck shakes his head, walking forward. “Don’t what?”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not lying.”
Buck places his hand on Eddie’s waist, pulling the shorter man closer to him, flushing their bodies together.
Eddie can practically hear Buck’s heartbeat, beating comfortably and evenly against Eddie’s skin, even through his shirt. Buck brings his other hand to Eddie’s, placing it on his chest, spreading his fingers.
“Is this okay?” Buck says, his voice quiet.
Eddie doesn’t respond.
Distantly, he realizes he should. Instead, he leans forward so that his breath is on Buck’s mouth. “What about…” he trails off.
“He broke up with me.” Buck supplies, breathing Eddie in.
“When?”
“That’s not important.”
Eddie nods. “Yeah.”
“Hey, Diaz?”
“Don’t call me Diaz.” he says weakly. “It makes me feel like you’re my commanding officer.”
“I am technically your captain.”
And Eddie shuts him up.
Unlike in the past, he doesn’t walk away, he doesn’t playfully hit him on the back of the head, rather, for the first time of many (he hopes), he connects their lips in a desperate kiss.
Buck kisses back with so much enthusiasm that Eddie almost falls over. He moves his hands to hold either side of Buck’s face, getting on his tiptoes to kiss him harder. He can feel Buck moan straight into his mouth and Eddie is weak, weak, weak.
Kissing Buck was like coming home. Eddie felt like he was put on this earth just to be close to Evan Buckley.
Buck breaks the kiss for a moment and without fully breaking the distance between them he says, “I love you, too” right into Eddie’s mouth before kissing him again.
There, standing in Buck’s loft, Eddie had never felt happier.