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Pete has his face shoved so close to Patrick’s neck Joe can hardly understand how either of them are playing, let alone how Patrick is singing- and singing well at that. Patrick is standing stock still as he always is, face almost entirely obscured by his hat like it always is, and he is just as unflinching in the face of Pete’s apparent horniness as he always is. Pete, for his part, is hardly visible to Joe at this angle (or any angle for that matter) but Joe can see that his mouth is open, either about to whisper sweet nothings or start sucking. It’s the most absurdly intimate shit he’s ever seen and they keep. Fucking. Doing it.
He glances back at Andy out of habit and can tell that it’s caught his attention as well. He’s impressed by Andy’s ability to drum and witness this freakshow at the same time cause god knows he’s fumbling some notes over here. Andy notices Joe and gives him a look. Joe rolls his eyes and Andy smiles ever so slightly.
Joe goes back to spinning.
Pete says it’s called “stage gay” but Joe’s pretty confident that it’s just fucking gay. Doesn’t matter if you do it on stage or not. Pete may not be trying to suck Patrick’s dick as much off stage as he is on it but he’s more or less just as hopelessly in love with the guy with or without an instrument in his hands. Just because he isn’t on his knees doesn’t mean he doesn’t wish he was, he’s made that much very obvious. Don’t get him wrong, gay is cool and all- who gives a shit who’s kissing who?- but he thinks it’s dumb to use “putting on a show” as an excuse to almost kiss your friend. Do that on your own time. It’s especially dumb when he’s pretty sure Patrick would do any of this shit with him without the pretense of playing a show. Pete may be the more forward about it of the two but you’d have to be blind (or Pete) to not know that Patrick’s long gone over him.
These are all things he could say but unfortunately there’s solid proof that whatever niche fanbase they’ve amassed eats this “stage gay” shit up. So yeah, they could put on a good show without the homoerotic tension but the homoerotic tension gives it that edge that the kids just love. It’s for them anyway, even if it is weird.
But… that doesn’t mean he can’t make fun of it.
“Jesus Christ guys, Patrick, you sure you don’t have a hickey after all that?” He announces loudly once they’ve made it to the green room.
Andy snorts from across the room as he tosses a towel over his shoulder.
“What?” Patrick asks desperately, “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“That little performance you and Pete put on,” Joe says, nodding at Pete who’s grinning from ear to ear, clearly enjoying this too much already, “Sure looked interesting.”
Patrick feigns annoyance despite his bright red cheeks, “It was not that bad.”
“Eh..” Andy says, “I’ve seen porn less sexy than that.”
Yes, Joe can’t help but think. He loves when Andy piles on. He gestures to him, “See? Thank you!”
“That’s because it’s classily sexy,” Pete interrupts, “It’s hot without being too hot. It gets people going without getting them all the way off!” He claims proudly.
“Eugh,” Patrick cringes, “I don’t exactly want to turn the pit into an orgy.”
“Which is why it’s classy!”
“I don’t know if I’d call the dick sucking part classy,” Andy points out.
“There is no dick sucking part!”
“No, but it’s implied!” Joe insists. Maybe Patrick isn’t getting it because he can’t see what they see. So, naturally, he should model it.
Right?
Andy is the furthest from him, more space to slide, he figures, so he does a little jog and drops to his knees in front of Andy.
It is.. quite the view. Andy is still sweaty from the show.
Andy laughs and crosses his arms, stares down at him. “It is very blowjob-esque,” he comments, “Maybe you should lean into that more.” And he’s talking to Pete and Patrick but goddamn is he looking at Joe.
“I mean you’re right at dick height, might as well, right?” Joe asks. He manages to break eye contact with Andy long enough to stand again and turns back to Pete and Patrick.
“He has a point-” Pete starts but Patrick is already cutting him off and beginning to walk away.
“You’re not pretending to suck my dick on stage.”
“You wish I would pretend to suck your dick on stage!” Pete calls after him. Patrick ignores him as he leaves and Pete waves him off before turning back to Joe and Andy. He grins, “Good view?” he asks.
“Oh, you know how badly I’ve wanted to be on my knees in front of another dude. Relatable, amiright?” He asks Andy.
“So relatable. Right Pete?”
“You guys are assholes,” Pete says, rolling his eyes at them and stomping away, probably after Patrick.
Joe doesn’t bother with a comeback and lets him go. “Notice how he thought it was funny until we-”
“Aimed the joke at him, yes I did notice that.”
“Mm,” Joe hums, “You’ve known him longer than me. Is he..?”
Andy pauses and thinks for a second and then leans into Joe’s space like he’s telling some big secret. “I don’t know if it's as much about being gay as it is being in love with Patrick,” he says.
“Could be both,” Joe instinctively whispers back.
Andy pulls back and shrugs, “Could be a bit. If that’s the case just be glad he picked Patrick and not you.”
“Not sure I’d be as good at it as Patrick.”
Andy hums and smiles all small again, “I don’t know, I think you were pretty good.”
Joe huffs, “Yeah, thanks.”
Pete and Patrick keep doing it, despite all the teasing, partially because it is good for the show and partially because they're stupidly in love with each other. Joe never says that latter part, keeps the teasing to sexual stuff cause god knows anything with feeling will make them unbearably awkward and he can't stand the idea of dealing with them when they're like that. Also he's not a piece of shit. An asshole, sure, but he’s not a piece of shit. He prides himself on that.
Anyway, they don't let up so Joe doubles down. Another night passes, another show, more soft core bullshit. He glances back at Andy again who raises his eyebrows at him. Joe makes mock kissy faces at him and Joe swears he can hear his laughter over the din of noise.
That or he has tinnitus.
They get caught up talking to whoever once they're off stage, a crew member or acquaintance, whatever. Well, Pete and Patrick get caught up at least. He and Andy manage to sneak off without much notice. Forgive him if the first thing he wants to do once he’s off stage isn’t have a lengthy discussion about something he probably doesn’t care about.
“Look, I know why they do but I mean come on!” Joe says exasperatedly once they’re behind closed doors.
Andy huffs as he gets a water bottle from the fridge and passes it to Joe before grabbing his own. “They’re the least subtle people I know,” he says before taking a drink. Then, “I’m half expecting someone to get a hard on.”
It’s stupid but Joe couldn’t not smile if he wanted to. “Which one? I’m willing to bet on it,” Joe says as he puts his hands up in an attempt at nonchalance.
Andy laughs again, quiet and pretty, which are probably the first two verbs Joe would come up with if you asked him to describe Andy. Before he can say anything though, Pete and Patrick enter.
“What’s so funny?” Patrick asks.
“Nothing,” Andy says, “Just talking about-” and then he drops his head against Joe’s chest and Joe has about five seconds to realize he’s making fun of another classic Pete move before Andy says in a stage whisper, “Your performance.”
Patrick rolls his eyes and Andy lifts his head. Joe misses the feeling instantly. It’s almost embarrassing. “You’re seriously on that again?” Patrick asks.
“Also, that is so not how you do it,” Pete interjects, pointing at Andy.
“My bad,” Andy says, “Didn’t know there was a method to it.”
Joe’s brain finally catches up to the conversation in time for him to say, “Yeah, don’t you know? It’s more like this-” and before he can remember that Andy is not wearing a fucking shirt he drops his head and presses it into Andy’s shoulder because halfway through the action he realizes that he’s not sure he can recover from put going any further down. He’s also slightly too tall for that.
Pete critiques him for as much, “Doesn’t work, you’re too tall.”
“Sorry, I was born physically superior to the general population,” Joe says, “I can only do so much.”
Andy shakes his head and fondly mutters, “Stupid.”
“Don’t act like you don’t love it,” Joe teases.
He catches Patrick and Pete exchange a glance, their stupid telepathic bullshit preventing him from catching whatever it is. He can’t quite be bothered though, caught up in the way Andy’s face is still red, post show.
That’s definitely why it’s still red. Him too.
“Okay, well before you keep practicing your form and keep blocking the fridge, give me a fucking water,” Patrick bitches, hand extended.
When Joe moves away from Andy, only realizing now that they’re stupidly close to each other, he’s somewhat reluctant to do so.
The bit does not die. No matter how many shows pass, no matter how normalized stage gay becomes, they keep mocking their friends. Because that’s what friends do.
Not because it’s actually incredibly hot and not because Joe is starting to feel a little bit hopelessly in love with Andy fucking Hurley. Nope. They’re not Pete and Patrick, they’re not doing some stupid maybe-probably-not unrequited love bullshit. It’s just a bit. A joke.
Until it isn’t.
Until it stops being something they only do when Pete and Patrick are around to see it.
This time, the joke doesn’t stop when Pete and Patrick leave the room. This time, Joe and Andy stay leaned into each other. Joe can feel Andy’s breath on his neck, his hair falling into his face, so close Joe feels compelled to run his hands through it. Their laughter dies. Joe can feel something shift, the way it has been each night they do this.
“I mean..” Andy starts, “I kind of get it. It is hot. I just don’t get how Pete and Patrick are so casual about it ‘cause it is so.. Well..”
“Hot?”
“Yeah,” Andy huffs, “I mean if I were them I’d.. god I don’t know what I’d do.”
“Yeah, no.. I don’t..,” Joe replies breathlessly. “I wouldn’t be able to stand it. It’s probably all business to them though.”
“That or they’re fucking on the side and it’s some type of weird foreplay or whatever.”
Joe laughs at that, “they don’t have the capacity for it.” Andy hums an agreement but it comes out low and dark, less of an agreement and more of something else. He swallows his pride, “Pretty good foreplay though.”
“You think so?” Andy challenges.
Joe hums, “It’s a working theory.”
“Wanna test it?”
Joe can barely get out a muttered, “Yeah..” before Andy closes the remaining space between them.
The next time Pete and Patrick do their thing on stage Joe doesn’t linger on it for too long. Doesn’t even really think about Pete and Patrick. He glances back at Andy out of habit and sees him lazer focused- not on the guys- but on him. Joe struggles to pull himself together, fighting the memory of teeth grazing his neck and failing miserably. He manages to get through the show without incident.
Once off stage, he and Andy don’t tease Pete and Patrick about their whole schtick. They hadn’t talked about it but it had apparently agreed anyway. It felt a little too on the nose, maybe. He had hoped they wouldn’t notice.
He was wrong.
“What, no teasing tonight?”
“We can be nice,” Joe huffs.
“You’re famously assholes,” Patrick points out, deadpan.
“Yeah..” Pete drags out, somewhat suspiciously, “Something changed.”
Patrick pauses, looks at Pete and then without so much as a word passing between then realization dawns in his eyes and he joins Pete in looking at them accusatorily. “Did something change?” he asks, eyebrow raised.
Joe looks at them, and then at Andy. Andy glances at him, mouth open but words dying on his tongue. They take too long to answer.
“Oh my god, something did change!” Pete all but yells, “You realized that our methods are hot and you like, fucked about it or something and now you’re not making fun of us cause you know we’re right! Gross!”
“That’s extremely presumptuous,” Andy says with his arms crossed, “And nobody fucked anybody!” The facade crumbles immediately.
“Fine, you made out about it because it was hot and we’re right and you’re stupid,” Pete summarizes.
“That is not what happened!” Joe decides to jump in.
Patrick stares at him, “Then what did happen?”
Joe pauses, “I don’t have to answer that.”
“That’s basically confirmation and you know it!” Pete shouts.
Andy, meanwhile, has effectively found a new home for his face buried in his own hands, “You’re insufferable,” he says, muffled.
“And you made out with Joe- if not more!-”
“We do not need to know if anything else happened,” Patrick stresses, “Ugh, what happens between bandmates stays between bandmates, I guess.”
“You wish that were true,” Joe points a finger at him, “You’re just jealous that for you, what happens between bandmates stays between bandmates and the entire fucking audience.”
Andy sits up at that, “Yeah, at least we got real action! You get fucking, blue balls, man.”
Patrick’s face goes bright red. “Why do you always come after me about this!? Pete is right there!” Pete just cackles.
“Pete has no shame!” Joe says, “You always take the bait!”
“You totally do,” Pete adds.
Patrick shoves him slightly, “Shut up! I see now that I’m the only one with any shame because this is a weird fucking conversation to be having at all! It should not have gotten to this point.”
“I thought what happened between bandmates stayed between bandmates?” Andy questions, “And Pete’s the one who brought it up first!”
“I only said anything because you freaks stopped being assholes,” Pete defends, “And that’s red flag number one.”
“Jesus christ,” Andy mutters.
“If you admit that I was right and stage gay is sexy, I will totally drop it.”
“That’s not true-” Patrick starts. Pete cuts him off and shushes him.
“We never said that it wasn’t! Just that it was a little too gay and not enough staged, which is true! If anything we’re right!” Joe argues.
“Oh my god,” Andy stresses loud enough to shut them all up, “Pete you’re being bitchy because you’re mad that your idea got somebody else laid and not you, figure you’re shit out!” And then, pointing at Patrick he says, “Both of you!” and then he grabs Joe’s hand and pulls him away.
“Where are you going?” Patrick asks, partially in disbelief.
“To go find a supply closet!” Andy calls over his shoulder and before Joe can even react they’re gone.
“Are you serious?” he asks.
“Only if you’re interested,” Andy pauses and looks at him, “You are interested, right?”
Joe nods, “Oh yeah, definitely. A little afraid you just blew up the band with that one but-”
Andy rolls his eyes affectionately, “They’ll be fine. They figure it out or they don’t, and to be honest I don’t really care right now. Do you?”
All it takes is one well placed hand on his hip for Joe to decide, “Nope.”
Andy smiles and Joe swears it’s the greatest thing he’s ever seen.