Chapter Text
Eddie didn’t think it was possible to miss someone he still had in his life as much as he missed Chris. Sure, he had started to prepare himself for some of it as Chris grew older, knew it was possible he might start pushing him away from hugs, and he had long ago started asking if he could go do stuff without any parents around, something which he still struggled to agree to. But this was different. This wasn’t him growing up, and it wasn’t Eddie letting go of him a little bit, loosening the reigns. It was because of him. Because he had messed up so incredibly that in a way it was simply a relief Chris could still bear to live in the same house as him.
He replayed that first week over and over in his head, a week where that wasn’t even the case. Where Eddie couldn’t even think to say anything to save either of them from what was needing to be addressed. He can run into a collapsing building, carry people out without a second thought, but he knew that there was very little to say that was going to fix what Chris felt. Nor what he felt seeing his son looking smaller and more distant than he had in a long time. Eddie may have prepared himself for when Chris no longer greeted him with hugs, but something shattered in his heart when he tried to move into his space, to comfort him in some way, only for him to reach for his crutches just to get as far away from him as quickly as he could.
That week had been one of the loneliest of Eddie’s entire life. Bobby was in hospital, breathing through tubes, at least one person by his side almost every minute of the day. He wondered what he would say to him if he knew. If he had a chance to ask him what he thought, what his advice might be. But he never had the chance.
Hen offered as much comfort to them all as she could, but they all saw through it, saw that she was only holding herself together because she had had to do it way too often, every day.
And Buck…
Buck was who Christopher needed. Not Eddie. And if he needed Buck and needed Eddie to give him space, as much as it made him feel like he was going to have a heart attack as well, he was going to give it to them.
It was just one week before Buck convinced Chris to at least give him a chance, to try and make things better, but it felt like an eternity. He couldn’t even tell what felt more off, the firehouse without Bobby, with everyone sitting dead still around the dinner table, some faulty semblance of normalcy, or going back to his own, knowing he wouldn’t be able to go pick Chris up from school or go to his room to say hi, and just talk until he inevitably got sick of his dad hanging around his bedroom. Knowing that the most he could expect was a phone call from Buck, an update or just checking in, because no matter what the situation was, nothing was ever going to stop Buck from trying to make things better, even if he couldn’t visit in person.
Things had improved a little bit. Chris was back home, and Buck was once again spending half his time on his couch, though whether that was for his sake or Chris’ he didn’t know, he was just grateful that it was happening.
But it still wasn’t right. Chris still shrugged off most physical affection from him, barely said a word during breakfast or dinner, still always preferred to spend time with Buck than with him (though Eddie could hardly fault anyone for that last one. He doesn’t think it’s possible to get sick of his company).
And as awful as he felt that his own well-being was even on his mind after what he caused his son, another side effect of his isolation was that he had way too much time to think.
He did not like to think.
In fact he spent a significant portion of his time doing everything he could to try and avoid thinking. Usually he managed to find some distraction, something to do, to focus on. When he’s well, it’s work and his family, when he’s injured, it’s recovery, and when he’s grieving or worried about someone, it’s just survival. But none of that applied. Thinking about the firehouse at that moment was more painful than not doing so. Chris was safe and well and near him, he was just angry and didn’t want to be, and as much as that stung all Eddie could do was be thankful that he was willing to have him around at all.
And Buck was asleep on his couch.
How a 6 foot 2 man could so comfortably rest on that sofa was a mystery strong enough it almost worked as another way to distract himself from thinking about everything, until he remembered who that 6 foot 2 man was and then it was right back to square one.
Chris wasn’t the only one he missed, after all. He missed spending time with his friend when none of this was hanging over their heads, when him sleeping over wasn’t because he had a reason or this barely spoken of concern that neither of them wanted to exacerbate, but rather because he knew this house was always open to him if he wanted to use it.
He missed being able to think about him without considering what thinking about him actually meant.
Eventually he checked his watch. 3 in the morning. He needed to sleep as well. As quietly as he could he made his way back to his bedroom, stopping on the way to push Chris’ door open, just barely. He could still look, even if it hurt not knowing how long he’d have to only do that when Chris didn’t know he was there.
*
He woke up at noon.
When was the last time he had slept that long? He’s a firefighter and a father, rest is a luxury, even on days off, how did this even happen? And how come nobody thought to wake him up?
He stared dumbfounded at his phone for a few moments more, before noting the day of the week and immediately shooting up, practically breaking down his door to get out into the corridor and to Chris’ bedroom.
“Chris!” he knocked. “You in there?”
In his panic he for a moment forgot about the other person in the house until he poked his head around to look at him.
“Eddie, relax. I took him to school hours ago.”
His hand froze mid knock, slowly lowering as he looked at Buck. He definitely seemed a lot less rested than Eddie wished he would, which made him feel even worse if that was possible. But he was smiling gently at him, nodding for him to go through, which Eddie followed without another word.
“Why didn’t you wake me?”
Buck pulled out a cup, putting it down next to the machine as he started making coffee. “I was already up, figured you didn’t need to be yet.”
He rubbed a hand over his face, scratching at the stubble on his chin, not saying anything for a little while and just listening to the quiet whirring as the coffee maker finished.
“Chris was okay this morning?”
“Yeah,” he handed Eddie the cup in his hand, “he did ask if you were okay.”
“He did?”
Buck smiled, leaning his weight on the counter. “Yeah. I guess he isn’t used to you sleeping in either.”
“Sorry. I don’t know what happened.”
“Hey man, it’s okay. You know I don’t mind taking him to school.”
Of course he knew. Somehow it never mattered how much work it took, even if it shouldn’t have fallen to him, he didn’t mind. But Eddie did.
“Yeah but we actually have a day off together and I sleep through half of it.”
That clearly wasn’t the concern Buck might have been expecting if his reaction was anything to go by. With how well Eddie knew him by then, he figured it probably was.
“You wanted to do something together today?”
Something in his voice nudged at the pin Eddie had managed to put in his anxiety. Sometimes being able to read each other so well meant picking up on something the other person would rather have kept hidden. Ironically, he supposed, Eddie didn’t much care for secrets.
So he shrugged, finally taking a sip of his coffee. “Did you have something you wanted to do?”
He smiled again, this time sheepish, and ducked his head down before looking back up to meet Eddie’s eye.
“I, um…was supposed to meet Tommy for lunch in about an hour.”
“Oh.”
“I’m sure we can rearrange for dinner if you wanted to do something while Chris is still in school though.”
God if that offer didn’t simultaneously reassure him that he as willing to do that so readily and also made him feel awful that he made him feel like he had to offer to do so.
“No, Buck, go. I think interrupting one date of yours was enough.”
It did explain the way he was dressed. As much as Buck might have wanted all of Chris’ classmates and teachers to think he was cool, he wasn’t ‘button up shirt and cologne on a school day morning rush’ desperate for it. He thought, for a moment, whether he was still trying to impress Tommy, even after everything, but whatever the case he was kind of glad they had known each other long enough that he didn’t feel the need to try and show off in front of him anymore. He sort of liked just knowing Buck was comfortable and relaxed around his place. No cologne or hair gel required.
Despite his response, Buck still looked uncertain. “You sure? Because I don’t think Tommy would mind-“
“Go, Buck. Seriously, I’m the one who wasted all this time sleeping. Go! Have fun!”
He laughed softly and nodded. “Okay, I still have to finish getting ready.”
Truthfully Eddie didn’t know what else Buck could possibly do to get ready, he already looked perfect. Eddie could probably stand to put on some proper clothes though.
“Go ahead. Still need to finish my coffee anyway.”
It took another 10 minutes for Buck to decide he was ready to leave, and Eddie couldn’t help but follow his running commentary on everything he was doing in that time. It occurred to him that this was the first time he had actually witnessed Buck’s pre-date preparations and tried to avoid thinking about the fact he had everything available for it at Eddie’s place.
It was nice seeing Buck so full of energy again. Though he didn’t show it as much, not since being solely responsible for Christopher for a week, he had dimmed a little bit since everything with Bobby. Even after he felt better, learning that he planned to retire before the fire had impacted him. All of them, frankly.
So even if it was to go on a date and leave Eddie to himself for who knows how long, Eddie was just glad to be there.
“Okay, I think I’m ready.”
Looking at him again, even having seen him sort stuff out, he still didn’t understand what he needed to do to get ready exactly. If Tommy had any issue with how Buck looked that day, something was wrong and it definitely was not Buck’s fault.
“Looking good. How far are you meeting him?”
“About 20 minutes away maybe?”
Eddie pursed his lips and nodded. “Okay, then you still have a little time.”
“For what?”
“To help me wash dishes. Because I don’t think one plate is going to be enough for 3 of us for dinner.”
The raised eyebrows might have worried someone else if the smile wasn’t so evident in his voice as he walked over. “Oh, so I take Chris to school and still need to help you wash the dishes, huh?”
He barely looked up as he started running the water. “You like taking him to school.”
And he definitely didn’t need to look up to hear the fondness in Buck’s response.
“Yeah, I do.”
Chores were always much more enjoyable when they could do them together, and in recent times Eddie came to relish those moments more and more. With the 118, with Chris, with Buck, it became something he actively looked forward to on occasion. But before much longer, neither of them could argue that Buck had to head off for lunch. He clapped Eddie on the shoulder and picked up his keys from the table, heading out the door with a wave.
And Eddie was alone again.