Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

One stroke, another ounce of pain. Another splash of color, whiteness disappears. Tear streaks fall down unto the fresh painted surface as hands delicately add strip of color. Pain, disappointment, suffering all combined unto one small canvas that opened up possibilities for life or death.

Another dap of paint

Another tear

Another streak of color

Another sob

The pain was endless, and this was his way of shoving it all away from himself. His entire essence all captured into one painting, a painting that he only knew about. It was going to stay that way.

When his genuine happiness was taken from him, he couldn't do anything but cry. But they didn't take his heart. So maybe, he could do something worthwhile. Where he couldn't screw up, and nobody would be able to scorn him except himself. Alone, deserted, taken advantage of, were the only things propelling his paintings these days.

None of them were happy, it was far from it. In his paintings, the only things that were remotely happy was himself moving on somewhere where his brothers weren't.

He was a screwup

Menace

A wannabe

Somebody that wasn't needed

So why not paint a fantasy that could change everything. A fantasy without him. A reality where he wouldn't be able to mess-up anything because he doesn't exist in it at all. That sounded like paradise, even to him. His brothers would sure like that, and if his brothers were happy; then he was happy.

But still, he felt like something was missing, or more like, he was missing pieces of himself. That feeling didn't set well with him, so he drew and painted his pain away. Of course, it didn't take all the pain away but for some weird reason, it took most of it away. Plus, it was a healthy approach.

Well…. maybe not the healthiest approach when it came to how depressing the drawings itself were, but he had to work with what was available. And the fun part, his brothers didn't know. Hopefully it stayed that way.

Now as Mikey sat down and painted, a previous memory came to his mind.

"I'm not depressed!" Mikey shouted as he backed away from his hot-tempered brother.

"Oh really?" Raph crossed his arms, "Then why are you always in your room! That's what depressed people do!"

Mikey fumbled, "Not true! Sometimes I just need to be alone."

"Why?"

Taking a deep breath, Mikey was determined to keep his secret hobby hidden. "Nothing Raph."

Realizing that Raph wasn't going to get anywhere, Mikey started to walk over to his room with haste. He needed to paint his hidden pain away.

"Mikey! Get back over here!"

Mikey ignored the pleading calls of his older brother. He certainly couldn't afford to explode at Raph now, he needed to get away.

Mikey grimaced at the sad memory, Raph had bugged him for months after that, but he had been determined and stayed strong to the end. Pretty soon even Raph knew that he wasn't going to get anywhere with his youngest brother. It wasn't long before Leo and Donnie followed suit but they both had been unsuccessful.

Sure, Mikey felt bad for hiding such a hobby, but when his brothers would see the drawings, they would criticize him. And he certainly couldn't handle that right now. So, every single time that somebody tore down Mikeys inner walls, he would go add another grim color to his already sad painting. The only happy colors that consisted of the painting was a small dap of yellow paint.

The paint represented his light that was slowly being dimmed. Every hurtful word consisted of adding black paint to the bright yellow paint until there was nothing left. That was his soul, his soul was disintegrating, breaking down into smaller pieces. Each piece filled with the longing of wanting a family who treats him right. But then that piece gets broken down into micro bits of useless matter, until it didn't even exist anymore.

If only life could be like that, if only he could just cease to not exist. As he looked over at his drawing, there were so many colors, all of which represented one experience each.

Red for anger

"Leo, give me my weapons!" Mikey begged. But Leo only stood where he was as he held his younger brothers weapons high in the air.

"No," Leo said sternly, "You need to learn to fight without your weapons."

Mikey huffed, "No I don't!" He jumped but was far from even having his fingertip grasp his familiar weapons.

"I'm only doing this because I care about you," Leo said numbly. His posture calm, his mind focused.

"No," Mikey growled, "You just want me to fail."

Leo sighed but didn't respond. Mikey looked glared at his older brother, "You know what, I give up. Have it your way!" he yelled as he exited the dojo.

Green for jealously

"Michealangelo, focus more," Master Splinter commented as he watched his youngest son attempt a side kick but fail. Mikey gave a small nod and tried again.

Moving unto his next son, he watched as Donnie whipped his bo staff through the air, "Good job Donatello, your bo staff skills are moving along."

He then proceeded to watch Raph twirl his sai's and launch them with the uttermost prescion, "Good job Raphael, your accuracy is improving."

After watching his younger sons, he looked over to his eldest who was preforming kata's with his katanas, "Good job Leonardo, your form is perfect."

As Mikey watched his father compliment all his brothers except him; it felt like a thousand knives were lodged in his heart. Did he really not matter to his father?

Why couldn't he have received encouragement from his father? The feeling of jealousy spread throughout his entire body; he wanted what his brothers had.

He didn't want to be a screw up or a mess up, he wanted the same love that his father felt towards his older brothers. Was that to much to ask?

Orange for insecurities

"You eat like a pig Mikey," Raph chuckled one night at dinner.

"Raph," Leo scolded, "Don't say that."

Raph stopped but the damage had already been done. Mikey immediately stopped eating as he set his food aside.

"Mikey…. eat," Donnie said as he pushed Mikeys food back to him, "Your small for your age, you need to eat."

Mikey pushed the food back, "No, according to Raph; I'm a fat pig." He sighed as he went upstairs towards his room.

"Great Raph, now Mikey won't eat!" Leo said with frustration. He got up and put Mikey's food in the fridge, "now I have go coax my younger brother to eat," he left the kitchen, "By the way; Mikey is not a pig!"

Black for rejection

"Who wants to play games with me?" Mikey asked his brothers. Training had just ended, and Mikey felt exhausted.

"Mikey," Leo sighed, "I wish that maybe you would put more effort into training."

Mikey twiddled his fingers, "But I do put lots of effort into training. I really try."

"Look at yourself in the mirror, that's not true," Raph added on.

"Donnie?" Mikey looked at his older brother, "Do you believe that?"

Donnie only gave a small nod as he walked away. Leo and Raph both gave one disappointed sigh as they to left the small turtle alone. As soon as they were gone, Mikey let small sobs escape his mouth.

His brothers had just rejected him; in more ways than one. Even Donnie agreed with them! Sure, he was different…..could that be the reason he was constantly rejected by his own family? Mikey wouldn't be surprised if the only reason the guys kept him around was because he was their brother.

But not a true brother

Blue for depression

Mikey walked into the lair with a careful eye as he clutched his arm. The young turtle had decided to go for a small run; but of course, a few enemies had tried to destroy that. He had been pretty lucky to, only got away with a small stab wound and a few scratches.

But he couldn't tell his brothers, he didn't really feel like going through that whole ordeal at the moment. So, he grabbed a washcloth and went to his bedroom.

In the morning, Mikey had gotten up from bed pretty early. But he had forgotten to wrap his arm that was still bleeding. When he had gotten on the bottom stair, he ran into Donnie.

"Mikey.." Donnie looked at his brother's arm, "What happened?!"

Mikey looked down guiltily as he mentally punished himself for not remembering such a vital step, "Um nothing; just a small souvenir from the fight last night."

"What fight?"

"Nothing," Mikey looked for an exit out of there, "It's not serious, don't worry about it."

He had half expected Donnie to either yell at him or usher him into his lab. But that's not what happened. Donnie only looked at Mikeys eyes with sadness.

"Donnie?"

Donnie sighed, "I wish you would trust me enough to take care of your injuries."

Standing stunned, Mikey fumbled for a good response, "I do Don, I was just scared you would tell Raph and Leo."

"No," Donnie shook his head lightly, "I'm not like that."

Not knowing what to say, the young turtle stared at the ground, he shuffled his feet nervously.

"I'll be in my lab, please come to me about that injury soon," Donnie said softly before he walked over to his lab with slumped shoulders.

Once the coast was clear, Mikey looked back up. He hadn't meant to hurt his brothers' feelings. But yet he had. Being the screwup he was, he had managed to do the impossible.

A few tears fell down Mikeys cheeks as he thought back to how hurt Donnie looked. Why?

Mikey quickly turned around and ran upstairs, he wanted to forget the entire morning in just a few seconds.

And finally, the small yellow dap of paint for genuine happiness

"I'll go first!" Mikey yelled out as he plopped himself on the couch. He grabbed the game console and turned on the machine.

"I'll go second," Raph grunted, "Your not winning me this time Mikey!" He sat down next to Mikey as Leo and Donnie joined in.

Mikey chuckled as he picked his player, "In my dreams Raphie!"

Raph reached over and smacked the youngest on the back of the head, "Sure Mikey, whatever you say."

Donnie and Leo only watched the entire scene play out as they silently laughed to themselves.

That evening had become one of Mikeys core memories. All of his brothers playing video games and supporting each other, they even watched a movie after as they all huddled together on the couch. Mikey remembered going to bed feeling the happiest he had ever felt in awhile.

Now that Mikey looked at his painting, he felt a ping of sadness. He had really felt sad this past few weeks, and it showed. Maybe he should tell somebody about his hidden talent and feelings.

Getting up, Mikey put the painting away and went to talk to his older brothers.

Chapter Text

Am I enough?

Mikey looked at himself in the mirror, was he enough? For himself or his brothers, he didn't know. He wanted to be enough, but it seemed no matter what he did, he would always fall short of that expectation.

Even when he had enough courage to talk to his brothers, he got exactly what he wanted. But that wasn't what he wanted. He wanted to be loved but be hated at the same time. It seemed complicated, even to him.

*Flashback*

"Mikey, we didn't know you felt this way," Donnie whispered with tears falling short. He brought his younger brother in for an embrace, but Mikey pulled away.

"No," he took a step back, "Your supposed to tell me that I'm a screwup, or a mistake."

His brothers stood shocked, but Leo recovered quickly, "But your not, if we said that, we would be straight up lying to you!"

He took a step forward towards his younger brother, but Mikey continued to pull away. He couldn't have this, why were his brothers lying to him? He was far from being the perfect brother.

"No, I am!" he growled as he angrily left the room hastily. Tears falling down his cheeks in waterfalls.

*End Scene*

Mikey didn't know what he expected, but it certainly wasn't that. His brothers seemed like they actually cared about him. But if they did, they wouldn't toss around words of scorn and mockery, they wouldn't make fun of his weight. Never would they accept him for who he was.

That was the sad truth. Even if they accepted him, he wouldn't accept himself.

Walking over to his room to paint, he glanced down the hall to see his brothers in the pit collaborating on a project. Yet another reason his brothers didn't care, doing a project without their youngest brother. This all felt like a punch to his stomach, he was really better off.

Without a family, maybe then he would lessen the burden placed on Leo's shoulders. He opened the door and closed it along with sitting down and reveling his canvas. He hadn't updated it in a while, he hadn't seen the need to. He only felt one emotion these days, sadness. And there was no more room for black. The other colors had faded away, all except for that small yellow dot of yellow paint.

He couldn't make himself cover up the spot, it seemed that some hope remained. Could he ever feel happy again? His poor family had to deal with his depressing mood already, how much more could they endure? But he knew that running away wasn't an option.

His brothers would go looking for him, pretending that they care and then lecturing him on how worried they were. All the lies would still remain. His brothers would pretend.

And it hurt, it hurt to think that somebody actually cared for him. He didn't need help; he was perfectly fine on his own. He didn't need no hope to save him, no yellow dot could ever cure his depression. It was just a color.

Grabbing the brush, he was about to cover up the small yellow dot, but he heard a knock at his door. Pausing, he went up and opened his door.

"Hey Mikey," Leo said softly, he was holding a bowl in his hand. Mikey grimaced, his brothers had to watch him eat, since he had ditched his efforts to stay healthy awhile ago. That included eating. Ever since Raph's comment, he had flat out refused to eat. It was his hidden secret at first, but then he started to come to dinner with his brothers and refuse to indulge himself at dinner. It wasn't long before his brothers forced him to eat after that.

"Hey Leo," Mikey grumbled, he walked over to his bed, "Let's get this over with."

But his oldest brother only shook his head, "Nope, I'm going to let you choose," he handed Mikey the bowl of soup, "Come out to the pit in thirty minutes." Leo walked out of the room leaving a shocked Mikey.

He looked down at the soup and grimaced but decided to cooperate. His brothers were going to shove it down his throat eventually. Why not just get it over with. With shaky hands, he picked up the spoon and brought the warm soap to his tender lips. The taste was amazing. He took another sip as he followed his pattern till his bowl was empty.

The empty bowl, just like his soul. Feeling emptier than ever and yet his brothers still gave him a choice. Mikey looked back at the canvas and sighed; the pale-yellow dot didn't disappear as he hoped. Instead, it hit him in the face as each slap was a resentment to his entire being.

He wasn't perfect

But a voice inside asked, 'do you need to be?'

But yet the yellow dot was showing how his imperfections were a testament to everything he had gone through. It was almost memorizing to watch as the yellow seemed to spread along the canvas, leaving everything in its path a little brighter than before.

Maybe it was alright that his canvas was dark and gloomy. Maybe it was ok that he was struggling with forces that were beyond his control. Maybe it was meant to be that he was depressed and filled with much anxiety.

Maybe he was struggling and needed help.

The young turtle wiped away a stray tear and walked over to his canvas. He grabbed a paintbrush and dipped it into the yellow paint. Using the paint, Mikey added dots and shapes to the surrounding darkness.

But it didn't feel as right as it should've.

Now it felt fake, it felt as if Mikey was trying to make everything a little brighter, but he just couldn't. Or at the very least, he didn't want to make it better.

He was ok feeling the way he was, only because he knew that there was hope for him in the end.

Instead of adding to his canvas, Mikey stood up and walked to the pit.

A few weeks back, he would've never considered this possibility. But something had changed within him to see that he was far from helping himself.

Looking over at his brothers – who were patiently waiting on the couch – Mikey gave a small sob. Almost immediately, his brothers came running up and embraced the young turtle.

"Guys," he sobbed, "I'm struggling and need help."

His brothers didn't say anything, nor was it required. Because the very touch of his brother's warm embrace made Mikey feel their love for him in full.

It was ok to feel depressed, and scared.

But it wasn't ok to think that he was alone

When he was far from it