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Charles bit down on his lip hard, his feet carrying him across the wooden floor beneath him as he tried to make sense of the thousands of thoughts that were dashing around his brain. Edwin had started to pull away from Charles since the confession in Hell, and Charles didn't like it. Sure, Edwin had never been the sort of person that thrived off of physical interaction and touch, but he had - over the decades they had known one another - started to get more comfortable with Charles’ small touches.
They were chalk and cheese in that way: Charles was very touchy with everyone in his life (and death), whereas Edwin was someone that enjoyed his personal space.
He didn't understand. It was so unlike Edwin to be distant with him. It was unnerving, and Charles hated it. He swallowed the lump in his throat down and broke the silence that had encased Crystal’s bedroom.
“I don't understand,” Charles continued to pace around the room, his footsteps heavy below him. “I thought we'd spoken about this and I thought it was all settled.”
“Clearly,” Crystal cleared her throat, rolling her eyes and grabbing hold of Charles’ coat to stop him from pacing in front of her, “it isn't settled with Edwin.”
“But it doesn't make sense - he's my best mate, why is he avoiding me so much?”
“Maybe he feels embarrassed.” It was a simple response, and Crystal had thought it was obvious. She realised she was incorrect about that the moment Charles’ neck snapped as he turned around.
“Edwin doesn't get embarrassed, Crystal.”
She scoffed in response at that. There was no way Charles believed that, was there?
“Oh, you're being serious. Right,” she said, bewildered at the realisation. “Charles, he spent a whole week avoiding eye contact with you after the Cat King put that bracelet on his wrist, and you don't think he gets embarrassed?”
“Edwin never makes eye contact.”
“Really? You're going to be like that?” She frowned. “You knew what I meant.” When Charles didn't say anything further and started to pace around the room again, she took it upon herself to break the silence and draw him out of his thoughts. “Have you spoken to him about it? Maybe he-”
“I can't do that.”
“What - why not?”
“This is Edwin we're talking about, yeah?”
“Yes. Your ‘best mate’, Edwin,” Crystal narrowed her gaze.
“Oi, why are you saying it like that? He is my best mate.”
“I know. And he knows. But do you not think you need to do some evaluating about why this lack of touch from your ‘best mate’ is making you feel this way?” She tilted her head, raising her eyebrows as Charles stopped pacing around the room. “Look, Charles, what the two of you have is - special. When I first met the two of you, when I wasn't being possessed by a demon, I thought it was just Edwin that - had feelings for you. His jealousy was - very obvious. But you? Charles-”
“What about me?”
“You compared yourself to Orpheus and Eurydice while saving Edwin from Hell-”
“Yeah? And?”
“Are you being fucking serious right now?” Crystal snarled. “There's no hope in Hell for you if you can't see it.”
“I don't-”
“Speak to Edwin, Charles. For the love of God.”
***
Charles didn't know what he was supposed to say to Edwin, but Crystal had made it abundantly clear that it was something he had to do. He figured it would come to him once he got into the office. Edwin was his best mate, and he needed him to know he didn't have to avoid standing near him, or touching him whenever he felt like it. Charles wasn't uncomfortable around him. Things were completely fine between them. Nothing had to change just because Edwin had admitted to his feelings.
Not in Charles’ eyes anyway.
Edwin was sat at the desk when he entered the office, reading one of the books they had found in Niko’s room when they were clearing things out.
“Hi mate,” Charles greeted him, making a point of walking straight over to where he was sitting. He looked over his shoulder, resting his chin there for a second until Edwin stood up, throwing the book down.
Charles swallowed the lump in his throat and let out a sigh.
“What were you reading?” He asked, to break the silence.
“It was one of Niko’s fine books,” Edwin responded, coarsely.
“Nice, nice,” he nodded. “One of those romance Mangas she talked about?”
The blush on Edwin's face answered the question immediately, and made Charles’ eyebrows quirk.
“What are your thoughts?” He walked behind him, crossing his arms and sitting down on the desk beside him, using his hand to peel the book from the table top.
“It is not exactly my kind of reading material.”
Edwin was nervous, Charles deduced. This had become the norm between them. He was forever leaving whenever Charles got close to him. This was exactly what he was telling Crystal about. This was exactly what he had come here to talk to Edwin about.
The older boy grabbed at his sleeves, bouncing on his toes as he paced around the room.
“No? I thought it'd be right up your street.”
“If you would excuse me, Charles, I am just going to-”
“Edwin, will you just stop? Please.” It was loud and brash, and it made Edwin startle slightly, lifting his hands up to his ears as subtly as he could muster. Though ghosts couldn't feel pain, loud, unexpected noise still had an affect on him. “Just stop.”
“I am afraid I do not understand what you would like me to stop, Charles,” he swallowed, lifting his head up to look behind him, to look exactly where his friend was standing. “I am not doing anything.” When he saw that his friend was looking directly at him, he dropped his gaze back down to the floor and fidgeted where he stood, tugging at his sleeve in a discreet and gentle manner. “I was merely about to-”
“You're acting real weird. It's freaking me out.”
“I do not understand what you-”
“This,” Charles signalled down at Edwin's fists, noting how tense they had become as they pressed against one another. “You've been avoiding me.”
Edwin wanted to contest that - to argue that they had been with one another every day for the last two weeks, and the previous two weeks before that. They were always together. So, he was not avoiding him. Not in the slightest.
But he couldn't find the words; his mouth drying at the thought of saying anything in that moment.
Despite his difficulty reading other people's communicative styles and what they were intending to say, he never had that difficulty with Charles.
“I - I did not wish to make you - uncomfortable.”
Charles didn't understand how but he felt a twang in his heart as those words hit his ears. Ghosts weren't supposed to feel any sort of pain, but that did trigger something in him. He wasn't sure if it was the soft innocence within Edwin's tone, or the words themselves, that triggered it. But he didn't care much for it either way.
Edwin's whole body was tense opposite him, his body language closed off and his mouth twitching.
“What? Edwin-”
“Charles, I know that you said that my confessing my feelings to you does not change anything between us but - I did not wish to make it uncomfortable-”
“That's bullshit and you know it, mate.”
Edwin blinked, his face paling in a way that shouldn't be possible for an already pale and deceased Edwardian boy.
“I do not-”
“You could never make me uncomfortable, Edwin.” Charles took a step closer to his friend, furrowing his eyebrows so that his facial expression was softer. “Well, that's not strictly true actually. You have been making me feel uncomfortable,” he said, noticing that Edwin shuffled where he stood. He quickly added, “but not in the way you think.”
Edwin couldn't look at Charles at all. He scrunched his nose up and turned away, facing the window and taking in the view of London that their office offered.
“Edwin, don't turn away from me.” It wasn't said in a cold way, but Charles knew it sounded harsher than he intended it to. “Please,” he said, with a hint of desperation laced into his voice. He reached forward for Edwin's hand, his fingers brushing against his gently. Edwin pulled away from the touch, closing his eyes and taking in a breath.
“You do not have to do this,” he told him, his voice hoarse and breaking slightly.
“Edwin, I'm losing my mind a bit here. You're making this so much harder than it needs to be,” he scoffed. “I'm not doing this for you.” That was cold. He knew. “Shit, I didn't mean that like that.”
Edwin folded his arms around himself and took a step away from Charles again, getting enough distance to put the desk between them both. This was hard. This was harder than he thought it was going to be.
He meant it when he told Charles that he didn't have to feel the same way for him. He did. He respected Charles as much as he loved him. And that was a lot. This was everything he feared, though. It had put a strain on their relationship and it was making Charles uncomfortable.
“I'm going to really lose it with you in a minute,” Charles grabbed hold of Edwin's hand harder this time, holding it in place so that he could maneuver himself quickly around the table and in front of Edwin. It was a simple move, and he made a point of trapping Edwin between the wall and himself, his mouth contorting into a proud smirk when he achieved what he set out to. “Can I talk? For once?”
Edwin found himself unable to say anything, and just nodded.
“Right. Thank you.” He kept his fingers wrapped around Edwin's wrist. “You are really bloody impossible sometimes, mate. But that's brills, isn't it? I mean, that’s part of the reason why I love you.”
Strong start, Charles, he hit himself in the face. Edwin remained silent, biting on his lip as Charles re-adjusted his thoughts.
“You've been pulling away from me ever since we got back from Hell.” He started, doing his best to keep his emotions in check. “At first, I thought you just needed some time because of everything that happened. I thought maybe you needed some time to come to terms with the loss of Niko, and the move back to London, and all of the change that was going on. But - it's more than that, isn't it? You pull away whenever I touch you, and I think I know why but - you don't have to do that, Edwin-”
“I apologise-”
“You don't have to apologise,” Charles cut him off, placing his finger to Edwin's lips and smiling. “Please let me speak because I don't want you thinking you're doing anything wrong. Because you're not. Not at all. So can I please explain?” He begged, his eyes doe as he studied the lost expression on Edwin's face. “I don't think I was clear enough with you. I - I should be the one that's saying sorry, mate.”
“Things are getting complicated - I do not know what you are-”
“I don't want you to feel like you can't touch me,” Charles erupted, making Edwin startle and fall back against the wall momentarily. Charles reached forward for him, grabbing hold of his hands and stabilising him. “That came out all wrong-”
Edwin couldn't help but smile at the absurdity of the comment and of the situation, which, in turn, made Charles smile too. He let off a small laugh and hit himself in the face.
“I like - touching you,” Charles said, realising it sounded strange aloud once again but finding that he didn't care. He applied further pressure on Edwin's hand, lacing his fingers into his slender digits and smiling when Edwin’s eyes lifted from the ground. There was something so special about the way the emerald within them glowed in the moonlight. “I want you to touch me like you used to. It took a long time for you to get to a position where you felt you could touch me - and feel comfortable with me touching you. And I don't want to lose that,” he told him. “I want you to keep reaching for me, and I want to stand by you when we're dealing with cases, and I want you to - to - feel like you can still do all of these things.”
It was plastered on Edwin's face that he was extremely confused by the things Charles was saying, and it was making the smaller boy want to laugh.
“I did not want to make things uncomfortable between us after I told you. I did not intend to make this hard for you,” Edwin told him. “That is my very point - I never intended to make this complicated-”
“You're not making it complicated, Edwin.”
“But I-”
“If anyone has complicated things, it's me.” He bit down on his lip. “You've communicated your feelings so well, and I - I haven't.”
Edwin’s face scrunched up in confusion.
“I do not expect anything from you-”
“Can I keep holding your hands?” Charles asked, cutting him off again. Edwin nodded in reply, unable to say or do anything. Charles rubbed his hand over Edwin's hand, tracing the pattern of Edwin's fingers with his own and taking a step closer to him still, closing the gap between them completely so that they were face to face and inches apart. Edwin felt as though he couldn't breathe - an odd feeling for a ghost that actually cannot breathe. He held his breath, his whole face pointed down at his feet. “Look at me,” Charles asked, gently. “Edwin, look at me.” He put his fingers under Edwin's chin, lifting his face so that they were looking at one another again. “I am sorry I couldn't say I was in love with you too.”
“You did not have to-”
“I know,” Charles smiled, pressing his forehead to Edwin's. “But I wanted to. I wanted to tell you I was in love with you too. I just don't - I didn't know what that really meant. I didn't have a nice experience with love in life. My mum was in love with my dad and he hurt her so badly. I didn't want to do the same to you. I didn't want to promise you something I'm not sure I'm capable of feeling - I - I don't know if I'm like my dad.”
“Charles. You are nothing like your father.”
“Hey, it's my turn to do some confessing, yeah? You had your turn,” he grinned, mischievously. “I - I just - I didn't know what it meant to be in love until you started pulling away from me.” He lifted his hands up to the back of Edwin's neck, wrapping them around him and encasing him in a hold. “Is this alright?” Edwin smiled, his eyes closing as he wrapped his own arms around Charles’ waist. “I can't imagine my after life without you in it, Edwin Payne. And I do love you. And when I said we had time to figure out what that meant, I meant it. Because we're both so - young.” He scoffed.
“Charles,” Edwin whispered, his lips pouting.
“Yes, Edwin?”
“Will you just say what it is you want to say instead of dancing around the subject?”
“Hey, I don't dance!” Charles nudged him again, playfully, receiving a sigh from Edwin. “Fine - sorry. I'll be serious.”
“What did you come in here to say?” Edwin tilted his head, inquisitively.
Charles curled his toes, blinking fast as he prepared himself to say what it was he wanted to say.
“C - can I kiss you?”
“Oh-” Edwin’s eyes blinked open, his shoulders tensing beneath Charles’ arms. “That was - unexpected.”
“Oh - I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable-”
Charles was cut off by the tender touch of Edwin's lips landing on his.
“It was unexpected, not uncomfortable.” Edwin raised his hands up to Charles' back, rubbing his hands up his spine in a way that made Charles recoil. It was a messy kiss, but it was gentle and warm and both boys found that they could feel something in their nerves.
“That was - new,” Charles said, catching his breath. “Why could I feel that?”
Edwin lifted his hand up to his chin and pursed his lips.
“I have read of ghosts that describe feelings of electricity in situations that invoke a high emotional response.”
“A high emotional response? Do you mean like - chemistry? Soulmate type stuff?”
Edwin said nothing, and just shrugged
“It was pretty aces, whatever it was.” Charles grinned. “And anyway, Edwin Payne, where did you learn to kiss like that?” He grinned, nudging into Edwin as a small snigger escaped his lips. It was cut off by Edwin’s light voice.
“I - I’m not-”
Charles shut the answer off with another kiss, his eyes closing as he ran his own fingers through Edwin's neat and well kept hair. Neither boy could stop smiling.
“I’ll tell you what,” Charles smirked as he pulled away from him, receiving a furrowed expression from his friend, “I'm in love with you, Edwin bloody Payne,” he said.
“I am in love with you too, Charles Rowland.”
“Once again, I know that already,” Charles winked, mockingly, “you kind of told me while we were in literal Hell.”
“Why do I get the feeling that I am never going to hear the end of that?”
“Because you're not, mate. It was aces. Totally aces. Dead romantic.”
“Dead romantic?” He quirked an eyebrow.
“Don't you dare make a joke about us both being dead right now or I might have to take it all back,” Charles grabbed hold of Edwin's jacket, straightening it with a simple move.
Edwin couldn't hide the joy from his face as he rolled his eyes.
“You are right, that is more your sort of thing to say.”
“Too right it is.”
***