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The thing about having your shields systematically knocked down over the course of two years is that you forget how it feels to deconstruct them yourself. It's all just scrambling to rebuild, to cover up, to get away.
Fabian doesn't have so many shields left that he's able to drop one on a whim. But with Mazey… there's something there. She's funny and she's smart and she's confident. An amazing dancer, an energetic leader. And despite all the shit that comes with being a student at Aguefort, she still holds onto the kind of fun Fabian associates with being a kid.
Around her, Fabian remembers what it's like to relax. He remembers what it's like to be himself.
When Riz says she's in danger, Fabian goes into panic mode. Shields go up, bigger and bigger in the hopes that she'll be able to hide away with him.
Riz says she's in danger and Fabian trusts Riz with everything he has left.
She comes over and he's so, so happy that she's not dead that he forgets to be happy that she came over.
The kiss attempt and the Invisibility spell and the CrystalTime call all blur together beneath stammering explanations until she says, “When you think about me, why do you always bring up the Ball?”
Fabian’s heart skips a beat. Why- why wouldn't he bring up Riz? Riz identified the danger. Riz doesn't miscalculate. If they’d let Riz stake out Zelda’s place, she wouldn't have gotten kidnapped in the first place. If they'd followed Riz’s Night Yorb clue, this summer wouldn't have been spent on the road.
And… “Riz is my best friend.”
Mazey’s clothing shifts in a way that sounds like the crossing of arms. She sounds deeply embarrassed and Fabian can't help the guilt building in his chest. “So?”
“No, it's.” Fabian sighs. He hasn't had to do this before, at least not alone. Riz is the one with the terminology and the explanations and the self-confidence. “We're a different kind of best friends.”
Her breathing does something funny and she takes a step back. “Are you sleeping with him?”
The words get gummed up in his throat for a second, just long enough for her to make her own conclusions and storm out of his house.
It's like this. Riz is asexual. Riz is aromantic. Riz is Fabian’s best friend.
And it's like this. Fabian likes sex. Fabian wants to at least try romance. Fabian is Riz’s best friend.
They hold hands when they watch movies. They visit rivers to throw rocks, just the two of them. They want to go to the same college and share a dorm and graduate at the same time and live together and save the world a few more times before retiring together and maybe raising a kid or two.
They've never kissed, but Fabian’s open to it if the opportunity ever arises.
They fall asleep in the same bed and when one of them wakes up in the middle of the night to realize it, they're always on opposite sides, usually at risk of falling off.
One time, Riz invited Fabian to visit his dad's grave with him.
Fabian selected Riz as the beneficiary of his trust if he were to die.
They're thinking about getting married.
They're not dating.
It takes a few minutes to get himself to do anything but stare at the front door. But eventually his crystal rings, Fig calling him.
He declines it.
Pulls up his text chain with Riz instead, types out, Mazey kissed me.
Riz sends an immediate thumbs up emoji. He's used to getting texts like this. Vague, sanitized updates on all the different people Fabian plans to have sex with. Riz has a veto that he's never used.
Fabian has an option he's never used either. Never wanted to, not til now.
She left but I want to ask her out
Riz calls him and Fabian picks up.
“Romance partner?” Riz asks, a little out of breath. There's the sound of something boiling in the background. Either potion club or he's making dinner.
“I really like her. Different than I liked Aelwyn or Ragh or Ecaf.” He doesn't say ‘different than I like you’ because that would be a lie.
Riz hums and Fabian imagines his eyes narrowing and ears flattening, the way his face gets when he's working a problem. “We haven't done dates,” he says eventually.
“You can say no.”
Riz sighs. “I'm withholding my right. Tell her about us, ask her on a date, then circle back?”
Fabian grins, can't help it. He loves how logistical Riz is about their relationship. It's all encompassing and strategic, the way Riz shows he cares. “I can do that. I can do that. I love you.”
Riz’s voice has a smile in it. “You too.”
Fabian’s ability to keep a secret had been decimated sometime around his bravado cracking apart. It was freshman year, and he can't quite remember if it was before or after prom, mercy killing his father, circling the gym as their draconic vice principal killed his friends.
He knows for certain it was gone by sophomore year. He knows its absence emboldened Riz to say all the things he said on the ride back to Elmville in the Hangvan. About feeling close to Fabian but not in love and not attracted. About wanting to live life in tandem.
Over the summer, living in the same van as his five closest friends, its absence made the others clock the shift in his and Riz’s relationship immediately. Even if they never announced it.
One morning Gorgug was frying up eggs on a camp stove and Adaine was handing out her Jacket granola bars, the good ones, and Kristen winked at Fabian, nodded to Riz, and said “Welcome to the family.”
Fabian hadn't thought about it like that, but she wasn't wrong. He smiled and laughed and nudged Riz who smiled and laughed.
And that was the most anyone said about it.
Kristen's fresh off a break up, so he CrystalTimes Fig. He's greeted with an image of Bud Cubby standing in front of a suburban house. Fig’s go to I’m-a-harmless-uniformed-person-don’t-mind-me look.
“Hey, Mazey’s back home. Her parents don't seem to be here, so I'm sticking around. What happened?”
“Do you ever have crushes?” Fabian asks in lieu of explaining.
Fig scrunches up Bud’s nose. “Um, yeah. You all pried it out of me during spring break.”
Fabian flops (dramatically) on his couch. “But now. Do you ever have crushes now? Even though you love Ayda and want nothing more than to be with her?”
A dog barks in the distance, surround sound through his crystal speakers.
There's a pause as Fig re-adjusts her grip, eyes flicking away from the screen momentarily, checking on her charge. “I never had a crush before Ayda,” she admits. “They don't really happen for me like they do for you or Kristen.”
Fabian’s not certain he would include himself on the same level as Kristen. Not on the romance level at least.
He thanks Fig for watching Mazey and hangs up.
When Gorgug and Zelda break up over the summer, Fabian has an intense, panicky, uncalled for reaction.
Sure, the pair had their ups and downs, but they really loved each other. They talked about going to college together. They called every day of the Night Yorb quest until one day they just stopped.
Adaine noticed that they'd stopped talking and Kristen asked what happened.
Gorgug just shrugged and said they didn't have as much in common anymore. Nothing has happened, they just fell out of love.
Unable to pull up the feelings of empathy and sorrow he had for his friend, Fabian grabbed Adaine (in accordance to their buddy system rule) and walked through the desert far enough away that he was certain no one could hear him scream.
Because if people who loved each other like Zelda and Gorgug loved each other could stop unexpectedly, then what hope did Fabian have?
Hey
Sorry about earlier I was being weird
Could I get a do over
?
Maybe over coffee ?
Fabian chucks his crystal into a pile of semi-clean clothes, takes some ashwagandha, and falls into a hazy sleep.
In the morning, he has one unread message.
He tugs one of the better smelling semi-clean shirts from his pile and pairs it with jeans from his definitely-dirty pile.
Long spritzes of cologne later and he's (somewhat) ready for the day.
“Egg bites or oatmeal?”
Riz is in his kitchen, as is tradition for junior year. Between him and Kristen, the kitchen has become reasonably stocked. Riz even helped Fabian schedule a cleaning service to tidy up the Lofi Study Nights spaces once a week. He only sometimes scoffs (in jest) at Fabian for not being able to keep up with it himself.
He hugs his partner in lieu of answering. He feels grimy today, unsettled. All this business with Mazey and the Rat Grinders is getting to him.
Fabian is drawn out of his thoughts with a “Good morning,” that Riz says softly, breathing slow and even. Controlled, probably didn't get much sleep last night and is trying to hide it.
“Morning,” Fabian whispers back as he lets go. He fishes out a couple of oatmeal packets, the cabinets all neatly labeled now. Courtesy of Fig in a bout of productive procrastination. Riz is already boiling water. The kitchen was designed for a Halfling and, as such, Riz navigates it better than Fabian.
“Did you text Mazey?” Riz asks with a feigned casual tone. He watches the pot of water and his tail flicks nervously.
“Yeah.”
“What did she say?”
Fabian shrugs and pretends like his face isn't burning with nerves and embarrassment. He hands Riz his crystal.
He types in Fabian’s password and clicks through his notifications until he finds the right one. It takes a moment, Fabian has been passing out his crystal number like candy to anyone who comes to his study nights. At first it was to help with Kristen's campaign. Lately, he just wants to make sure people can get in contact with him, even if he has his notifications silenced.
He's working on that. Being wanted.
“That's not bad,” Riz says. He replaces the oatmeal packets in Fabian’s hand with the crystal.
I don't do coffee, but we could grab some tea after my rehearsal and your practice?
“Gods, she’s so cool,” Fabian mutters.
Riz’s ears twitch but he nods in agreement, slowly pouring hot water into their two bowls of oatmeal.
Fabian sends a thumbs up emoji and then pockets the device.
He asks Riz about his plans for the day and listens contently to his partner’s overwhelming schedule.
When Fabian was little, he thought his parents loved each other.
He still thinks that, to be fair. But he thinks their love was something bright and kinetic and ignited.
He used to think that was the only real way to love. Thought it up until he met Gorgug’s parents, weirdly.
Their style of love was alien to Fabian. How it rolled between them in slow waves of tinkering sessions and preparing snacks the other liked and watching shows one didn't get. It took one sleepover for Fabian to understand that the Thistlesprings loved in an all-encompassing, but subtle way.
Fabian used to embellish his crushes, covet kisses.
These days, nothing beats a hand to hold. A friend to trust.
Mazey’s ten minutes late to first period. She hands a hall pass to Mrs. Skullcleaver, mumbling something about a meeting with the superintendent running late.
Fabian smiles brightly at her and her cheeks redden and she ducks away.
Mrs. Skullcleaver shouts out encouragement over the vaguely disco music as they transition from stretching to dancing.
Fabian focuses on his body and his movement. The instrumentals thrumming in his chest, eight counts and off beats. He closes his eyes and spins. He opens them and step-touches. Grape vines and jazz hands and pas de bourrées.
Music and sheet and people swirl around him until the bell rings and he has to leave.
Mrs. Skullcleaver waves him away, off to Fighting Tactics. There’s no point in showering because in his next class he’ll be running around, using his body just as much.
He slings his backpack over his shoulder. Behind him, he hears Mazey ask to use the restroom. Fabian walks slowly down the hallway, hoping she’ll catch up.
“Hey,” he says when she does. There are students rushing around them, hurrying to their own classes, and they duck next to the busted vending machine.
She smiles weirdly at him. “I didn’t have a meeting with the superintendent today,” she tells him.
“Okay.”
Mazey glances around. “Fig stopped me before class. Gave me the shovel talk?”
Fabian runs a hand over his face, regretting it when he puts too much pressure on his eyepatch. “Oh, yeah. Sorry, I didn’t ask her to do that.”
“I didn’t think you did, especially because she gave it about Riz.” Mazey looks at him expectantly.
Fig can be unpredictable at times, but it doesn’t surprise Fabian that she interpreted their conversation last night the way she did. “Fig cares a lot about Riz.”
“I didn’t try to kiss Riz though,” Mazey counters.
Fabian sighs. “Of course not. Mazey-” Fabian checks the emptying out hallway. He doesn’t see anyone he couldn’t intimidate into shutting up if they overhear him. “-Riz is my partner. We’re in an open relationship. I wanted to tell you at tea tonight so we had more time to actually talk and explain. I really like you and I want to date you, but Riz isn’t going to be an insignificant consideration in what that looks like.”
Mazey frowns, grinding her teeth as she processes the information. It's not something he or Riz advertise, but he can see it all clicking into place for her.
The warning bell rings. Fabian is usually in the Fighter classroom by now.
“We'll talk at tea,” Mazey decides.
“I look forward to it,” Fabian assures her.
Riz sometimes goes weeks where he doesn't want to be touched. He can be twitchy and cagey and suspicious.
He likes to have everything laid out in front of him in clear language and he likes for things to be his idea, done on his terms.
Fabian’s not the obvious choice of a partner for Riz. He embellishes and he bellows and he aggrandizes. He shows his love through touch and gifts, two things Riz hates ninety percent of the time.
Sometimes Fabian wants to kiss Riz and sometimes his heart pounds in his chest just thinking about how smart his partner is and sometimes he tries to emulate all that comes naturally to Riz.
Sometimes Riz doesn't text back for days and sometimes he sits on the opposite end of the couch and sometimes he forgets to miss Fabian when they're not together.
Maybe they're not well matched. But Fabian refuses to believe that this negates how thrilling it is to be at Riz’s side. Or the sprawling future life they've co-authored in their minds. Or the briefest of hand holds and fleeting hugs.
Riz doesn't fulfill everything Fabian needs from a partner. It would be unfair to ask that much. Fabian doesn't fulfill everything Riz needs in a partner, either.
There’s a little tea shop run by an air genasi a few blocks from Aguefort. Adaine likes to study there sometimes and Fabian's familiar with it from dropping her off or picking her up. He's never gone inside before, so it takes him a moment to find Mazey sitting in a far corner.
She smiles and raises a hand when she sees him looking. Fabian sits across from her, realizes he needs to order at the front, promises to be back.
Mazey’s amusement is bright in her eyes, taking in his stutters and confused movements. Thankfully, the tea shop also has coffee options.
She's somber when he returns with a half-caf macchiato. “You're dating Riz?” her voice is a little confused and a little hurt.
“No.” And Fabian gets into it. Her questions turn from confused to polite to interested. He can see it in her eyes. The ways she's slotting herself, her own wants and needs, into the existing Fabian-and-Riz framework.
Slowly, her tension lessens. Slowly, his hope broadens.
This time, when she kisses him, he kisses back.
They're in high school. Things aren't meant to be this complicated.
High school is meant to be experimentation and sobbing breakups and getting caught in backseats and being rejected at prom and kissing during homecoming.
Okay, maybe it is meant to be this complicated.
It’s just not usually thought about this intensely.
Riz has a dedicated pin board for their relationship, tracking the changes in their boundaries and routines. Plus additional ones for each of Fabian’s recurring sexual partners.
Fabian has a monthly meeting with Jawbone. It started after his dad died and his eye got cut out and he needed all sorts of accommodations just to make it through summer classes. (No one said he passed freshman year History of Adventuring.) They were due to end around spring break sophomore year and well. Everyone knows how that went.
The conversations focus mostly on Riz now. About being a good partner. About voicing his needs.
There's other stuff, of course there's other stuff. When to tell his friends that he means it when he says things are triggering. How to cope with his father's legacy. What to do after graduation.
But mostly it's Riz. Scrutinizing what his own feelings mean, distinguishing all the different kinds of attraction he didn't know existed before this summer. Deciding what is and isn't a fair compromise.
Fabian's two weeks away from their next meeting. He wonders if it's worthwhile to stop by sooner.
Adding one new person to care deeply about has re-tangled all the feelings he's been sorting out all semester.
Mazey says yes to the date. Kisses him again. On his cheek, on her way out the door.
For all his talk about kisses and how to get them in, Fabian… doesn't care all that much for sexual intimacy.
He likes the cuddling that comes after and the gentle touches that come before.
But it's hard for him to get much out of something so vulnerable with people he doesn't know.
Sometimes, he wonders about Kristen and Tracker’s relationship. About how it escalated to sex so quickly.
Looking in, it seems like all they had in common was how hot they found the other.
He's sure there's more to it. He's sure they loved each other. He knows that the break up has hurt like hell for Kristen.
It also doesn't surprise Fabian that they only lasted a year. Brightest flames burning the fastest and all that.
Their relationship ending didn't panic Fabian the way Gorgug and Zelda’s did. In fact, Fabian and Fig were Kristen’s second and first choices in shoulders to cry on.
No, panic wasn't the emotion of choice as he listened to his friend rant and sob and pray.
It was guilt, deep in his stomach. Guilt for the secret superiority he felt. His fledgling relationship with Riz didn't need sex to be intimate. It was built on something earnest and intense and real.
Surely, it can't go away, not with the foundation it lays upon.
“Mazey said yes?” Riz asks, setting aside his Honors Dungeon History assignment. He's set up at his coffee table, briefcase and yarn and textbooks strewn everywhere.
Fabian tucks Riz’s apartment key into his jacket packet. He nods, slight blush on his cheeks.
Riz’s mom isn't home from the looks of it, but the oven light has been left on, a casserole dish slowly warming up inside.
He hopes Mrs. Gukgak doesn't mind if he eats dinner here. He knows she doesn't like him, doesn't think he's good enough for Riz.
His date with Mazey will probably just make it worse. He wonders if there's a single adult in his life who thinks he's an okay person and acts like it. Jawbone, he supposes.
At least he has his friends.
Hargis is keeping an eye on the Lofi Study Night for twenty gold pieces tonight. Fabian thinks Gorgug might be at his house as well. At least, he remembers the Hangman grumbling about the upstart van stealing his spot in the garage on the ride over to Strongtower.
There's this app, AdventurersCircle. Riz made them all download it, linking their crystal locations together in case they get separated again. Fabian only ever checks it on nights Riz calls sounding confused and scared. Usually the same nights he goes on recon missions for LPRT.
Tonight's another night where Fabian can't bring himself to check his notifications and he hands his crystal to Riz. It gets buried in the briefcase, a flash of white ferrying it away.
“That bad, huh?”
Fabian shrugs. “How are you feeling about it?” he deflects.
Riz’s shoulders slump, his tail thumping softly against the couch cushion. “Not sure yet. Reactions still in progress, you know? But the way it feels like everything's pulling away from me, probably feeling a lot.” He casts a side eye at Fabian. “What about you?”
Finally sitting, he slumps close to Riz, who presses into his side. “Excited. Nervous. Terrified that I'll mess up and lose you.”
“You won't,” Riz promises, his voice the same quality as when he says he's going to bed. Not yet a lie.
Fabian thinks a lot about Fig’s parents’ divorce. Certainly not as much as Fig, but more than a post-divorce friend should.
He thinks about cheating, about betrayal, about lashing out.
Fabian and Fig are technically step siblings now and their guidance counselor is dating Fig’s mom.
Jawbone is poly. It's part of the reason Fabian feels comfortable talking with him about Riz and Aewlyn and Ragh and Ecaf. Jawbone’s poly, but Fig’s mom still cheated on him on Leviathan.
Jawbone’s poly, but Fig’s mom asked him to be monogamous for her. And she broke that trust.
Fabian’s not poly. At least, he doesn't think so. He wants to have sex sometimes and the main person he wants to have sex with isn't interested and so he has sex with other people. He isn't cheating.
He isn't asking Riz to be monogamous either, even though he thinks his heart might stop beating if Riz ever wants another relationship like the one he has with Fabian.
Fig’s parents got divorced because they grew apart, weren't compatible from the beginning. Because of lies of omission and gut twisting betrayals.
Fabian thinks, if he can avoid the additional strains of monogamy, then maybe the underlying diverging paths they're on won't pull them all the way apart.
Mrs. Gukgak comes home a few minutes after Fabian finishes his very difficult Bard class homework of crying to a sad song. He submits a selfie of his snotty face to Fantasy Canvas and is blowing his nose when she walks in.
He forgot to lock the door again and he can sense her holding in a frustrated look.
“Hey, mom,” Riz greets, wringing out his hands from measuring blueprints of the school to determine where the Rogue teacher might be hiding.
She kisses his forehead and asks about his day, if he ate dinner, how all his clubs are going.
She doesn't ignore Fabian but she never really invites him into the conversation. He leaves at the first appropriate moment.
Riz squeezes his hand as he goes and Fabian squeezes back.
There aren't any mirrors in Riz’s apartment, haven't been since last spring.
It's a safety measure. It's a reminder.
Fabian knows all about Baron, about why he was born, about what lies and fears are laced through his sinewy body.
He knows that Baron’s still out there. Antiope Jones, of all people, texted Riz about it. Riz is on good terms with all the Seven. He was the only one looking for them, after all.
Baron was spotted in the Baronies in the first weekend of classes. Go figure the romance partner can Plane Shift wherever they want.
At the same time, Fabian’s manor is pest free. No rats, no warlock pirates.
It's not hard to draw a line between the two nightmares conjured for Fabian.
Sleep doesn't come easy to him the rest of the week. Excited about his date with Mazey on Saturday and nervous about what it will mean for him and Riz if it goes well.
Riz comes by most mornings and even convinces his potions club to meet at Seacaster Manor’s kitchen during Thursday’s Lofi Study Night. Fabian “supervisors” but mostly just appreciates Riz at work. He never mixes any of the potions or prepares any ingredients, but he takes meticulous notes on his crystal. His tail flicks in excitement when one of his past observations serves to improve current combinations.
In between mixtures, he sketches out his midterm project for Advanced Trapwork.
Without needing to ask, he knows it's meant to catch someone sneaking in Aguefort’s office. Making repeating Riz’s history all that more difficult.
The club members pack up an hour before Lofi Study Night unofficially ends for Fabian’s bed time.
“Heading to aviation club?” Fabian asks as Riz packs up his briefcase.
His partner shakes his head. “Skipping tonight.”
Fabian raises an eyebrow. Riz doesn't skip unless there's a mystery to pursue and as far as he knows, there have been no breaks in the case.
“Thought we could play CrystalBox games or watch a movie or something,” he elaborates sheepishly.
A smile spreads across Fabian’s face and he resists the urge to shove the rest of Riz’s papers into the extra dimensional space they belong in, letting the idle bone white hands take care of it.
Instead, he says, “Sounds delightful, The Ball.”
Fig and Gorgug are in the corner of the living room, jotting down lyrics and tapping out drum beats against the carpeted floor.
Riz alights their Message link without being asked.
Keep an eye on things? Fabian requests.
He gets a mental image of his house in flame from Fig. Gorgug gives him a thumbs up.
Fabian figures it will be fine and neglects to examine it more when Riz takes his hand.
In Fabian’s organized-chaos of a room, they lay down in his bed. Neither of them make a move for the crystal screen remote.
“I miss you,” Fabian says quietly.
Riz echoes the sentiment. It was nice, in a way, living out of the van over the summer. They saw each other every day. Now, they have obligations outside of saving the world. It’s as if they’ve unwittingly entered a long distance relationship.
Fabian took a psychology class over the summer to get a head start on his Bard requirements. Riz’s idea.
He didn't get much out of it, mostly used Fantasy Quizlets to pass the remote tests in between tracking down leads on the Night Yorb. Or, following Riz and Adaine tracking down leads on the Night Yorb.
For whatever reason, he actually read the required readings for the development unit.
It's how he knows he's a textbook case of an avoidant attachment style.
The way he covers up his emotions, keeps his friends at a distance, pretends nothing important bothers him.
Like a recovering addict, he thinks, Admitting you have a problem is a first step.
Figuring out the steps that follow is the second step.
He doesn’t rent out the entirety of Krom’s Diner and fill it with paid-off, innocuous Hudol students, but it’s a near thing. Adaine talks him down from it, reminding him that Hudol kids suck and that she has an employee discount at Basrar’s he can use.
Not that he needs the employee discount, but it’s nice having the option.
Saturday afternoon arrives with increasing moments of heart-pounding, hand-shaking excitement and panic.
As a bard, one would think he’d have better control over his emotions by now. Or, at least a better understanding of them.
He texts Riz when he leaves and when he arrives. Mazey isn’t at the shoppe yet, so he scrolls through his notifications. Dozens of missed calls from his mom, a few from Gilear. Gorgug’s sent him almost fifty links, almost all of which are just Nonna Wallace reaction videos.
There’s a handful more from nervous freshmen and sophomores saying hi or asking for advice.
Practicing confidence, he starts replying to each one, apologizing for the delay and hoping they’re enjoying the study nights he hosts. He considers attaching the Vote for Kristen gif the AV club made, but it doesn’t really matter. He knows they will anyway.
The bell above the entrance sounds a few times before it’s Mazey walking through the door. She looks stunning and happy to see him.
He beams and meets her at the door.
“It’s good to see you,” he says.
She returns the sentiment and gives him a kiss on the cheek.
The rest of the date blurs past him. The joy of her being here, of learning about her life and goals and struggles. She listens when he shares his own fears and dreams. When Mazey provides insight into what he says, he has to take a moment to soak it in.
There are very few people who give Fabian the benefit of the doubt, let alone who start on his side.
It’s over too soon and he wants to invite her back to his place to play Twister or crystal games or to cuddle, but she has a dress rehearsal for the musical Aguefort’s putting on this year.
He kisses her again in the parking lot. “See you at school?” he asks.
Mazey nods, glowing. “See you.” She turns to go, then hesitates. “You’re going… Are you going to tell Riz about everything?”
Fabian’s stomach drops, unable to read her tone. He stutters through a few half-finished thoughts before saying, “Not really. I tell him about how I felt during the date, how I feel about you. How I want to keep seeing you if that’s what you want. But I won’t necessarily tell him about what we talked about or how we held hands or kissed a couple times.” Fabian thinks about it a moment longer. “We haven’t- I’ve seen other people before, but I haven’t dated other people. This is new and I really like you and I really want to make it work.”
She smiles faintly. “Me too.”
If he thinks about it, Fig and Fabian are sort of mirrors to each other.
She sought out emotionally-distant intimacy as copies of herself up until she met Ayda, arguably the love of her life.
Fabian sought out emotionally-distant intimacy as masks of himself after he slotted into place with Riz, arguably the love of his life.
When you meet the one in high school, no one believes you. The only thing to prove your parents and teachers and friends wrong is time. Fabian has near-endless time ahead of him, but not so much behind.
Riz has been his person for only a few months. Ayda has been Fig’s person not much longer than that.
The difference between Fig and Fabian is that, so far, the love of Fig’s life provides everything she needs from a partner (minus the time traveling vacation she’s on).
The love of Fabian’s life doesn’t want to have sex, which Fabian’s made peace with, but ultimately still wants to fulfill with someone.
Both of their relationships require endless conversation. Both of their partners need explicit reminders that they’re loved.
AdventurersCircle shows that Riz is by one of the larger tributaries for the Marigold River, up by the Mithril factory. Some of the best rocks lay unthrown there.
Mazey catches the next bus and Fabian hops on the Hangman. Master, he hears in his head. How was your date?
It was good, Hangman. He revs the engine. I don’t want to talk about it just now, he adds, which is technically a lie. He wants desperately to talk about it, just not with his bike.
He passes the school and Adaine’s burned down house. Tries not to think about prom night, past or future.
It’s a warm day and he focuses on enjoying what he has right now. A partner who loves him and a potential girlfriend who is willing to understand that love.
He’s come a long way from a quest to free Aelwyn and a year spent dumping on Johnny Spells. He’s going to go a lot further.
The Hangman grumbles about the Mithril factory being back in business and no longer filled with ramps he can do sick tricks on. Fabian waves him off anyway, promises to Message when he and Riz are ready to go home. The Hangman grumbles about that too.
It’s interesting. How ecstatic the Hangman gets when Fabian becomes intimate with someone new. He’s come around to Riz for the most part, but the Hangman is sex-obsessed.
Maybe because he lived with Johnny Spells for so long, maybe because Fabian was so set on getting his kisses in.
Whatever the case, Fabian always has a voice in the back of his head telling him that sex should be frequent and meaningless. Should be for his pleasure alone.
Fabian’s been getting good at challenging those thoughts. He wonders sometimes, why loss of control is so scary for him. Why intimacy is so scary for him.
He likes that he and Mazey are getting to know each other first, getting to like and maybe love each other first. He thinks the physical intimacy without the emotional might not work for him. Might not be sustainable.
The Hangman will always be there, the same way Chungledown Bim will always be chasing him down. The same way Baron will continue lurking in Riz’s briefcase.
Some fears, some patterns don’t disappear. But Fabian thinks he’s going to keep growing, keep getting better.
Fabian doesn’t live in a world of metaphor. When he’s ready, he’s going to defeat his worries in combat. He’s going to win.
Riz isn’t immediately visible as Fabian reaches the shore. A stone plops into the river and, even following the trajectory of the toss, Fabian still doesn’t see him.
Regardless, he says, “Hey,” and sits on the rocky clearing, leaning against a rotting log Gorgug dragged from the forest when they all came here a few days before leaving for their Night Yorb quest.
Another rock sinks into the river. Fabian throws one of his own, a smooth, gray stone. By the time it hits the water, Riz is perched on the top of the log.
“Mazey texted me,” Riz announces quietly.
Fabian furrows his brow. From Riz’s tone, he can’t tell if that’s a good or bad thing.
Riz offers his crystal rather than explaining more. The notifications, four of them, are still present as Fabian types out his too long password. The crystal number is unsaved, but Riz memorized the school’s directory when they had Johnny’s burner crystal.
Hi Riz, it’s Mazey. I got your number from Sam Nightingale (who got it from Penny Luckstone haha)
I wanted to reach out since Fabian and I went on a date and you’re Fabian’s partner
I don’t fully understand what that means, but you clearly care about each other and I get that
If you ever want to talk, just let me know -- Fabian’s really cool and I don’t want to step on your toes and mess things up with him (or you)
Fabian feels tears form as he reads these messages. He holds them in until he remembers he doesn’t do that anymore.
Riz reads over his shoulder and takes his crystal back when the illusory light darkens. “That was… unexpected,” Riz says finally. He slips down so that his back is against the log. He leans into Fabian’s side.
“Mazey’s pretty cool,” Fabian agrees.
Riz hesitates long enough that Fabian starts to worry. He wipes away his tears and prepares for the other shoe to drop when Riz eventually admits, “I left my briefcase at my office.”
Fabian reaches for Riz’s hand and gives it an encouraging squeeze.
His partner keeps his gaze on the slow moving river. “My- All I’ve been thinking about is how you’re going to leave me for her. How you’ve found someone who can give you everything you want and how I’m obsolete now.”
“That’s not true,” Fabian assures him, trying understand the look on Riz’s face.
Riz shrugs. “I know. But I feel… not even jealous. Just defeated. Like I’ve already lost you. And then I got these texts from Mazey and I assumed.” He laughs without humor. “I thought she was bragging or breaking up with me on your behalf or- I don’t know.” Riz takes a deep breath. “But she wasn’t. She- she went out of her way to include me in conversations about your relationship with her.” Riz doesn’t cry often, but he does now. “She’s pretty cool.”
Fabian nods. “She is.” He feels tears returning and takes off his eyepatch. “She’s not a replacement for you,” he intones quietly. “She’s not punishment for who you are. She’s a girl I like. Who I want to date and be friends with after. I don’t see her as a permanent fixture in my life. I don’t see her like I see you.” And when he says it, he knows it’s not a lie.
Fabian feels Riz push closer into his side and he wraps an arm around his partner. “You always have veto power. You’re always allowed to feel how you want to feel.”
“I want you to have the best,” Riz says.
“I do,” Fabian promises. He hugs Riz closer to himself. “I do.”